Monday, December 5, 2016

Drama in the Final Week


**** BEFORE YOU GET INTO THE BLOG ****

 All scores are not final until Thursday following league scoring changes. If there is a scoring change, final scores, and thus the playoff matchups, could change.

 ALSO, if you are out of the playoffs, you are not permitted to add/drop players. Don't fuck with waivers!

I can't remember ever seeing anything like the drama for the final EFFL playoff spots. Heading into week 13, only 3 teams had been eliminated. So many back and forths on Sunday. Every team looked like they had a chance to get in except for Woody, who had his season dashed by Dennis Pitta. Pitta hadn't scored a TD in over 1,000 calendar days.

With 8 teams fighting to get in, naturally there were 2 ties in Week 13.

Week 13 was interesting. Cam Newton was benched for not wearing a tie. This happened:


This is all punters have. Dancing with a penalty flag.

I'm not gonna beat around the bush here. Let's get into it.

Beef of the Week: Cleats for a Cause

Obvious low-hanging fruit here. What a Gay idea. No seriously, the idea came from Randall Gay. Guys for one week were finally allowed to wear something that supports their cause. The problem is: how many causes can you, the fan, name that were worn on cleats and actually do something about. Everybody has their own cause and there are just too many causes to make an impact on any individual one.

But my biggest beef was with Carson Wentz. His cause? Jesus. Look, I get it. Your faith is above everything in your life. But that's not a cause. I'm sorry. The purpose was to raise awareness for illnesses or foundations. Like DGB. His cleats were in honor of the Yeezy Foundation. Wentz could've used some divine intervention on Sunday. He fucking sucked.


EFFL Playoffs

 Before we get into the matchups, we bid adieu to some disappointed league members.

Pork Chop Express - Absolutely classic. For a brief period of time, it looked like you were going to pull out the victory. And then, in an ironic twist of fate, Thomas Rawls got injured. Again. With nobody left to pile up points, Jimmy Graham finished you off. At least you have the Cowboys to root for in the real playoffs.

The King's Crusaders - First time ever missing the playoffs in 13 seasons. That's insane. Just could never overcome the rough start, and EEB absolutely unloaded on you in Week 13. I think that was a long time coming, and I'm sure he couldn't be happier to be the one to knock you out.

The Old Ball Sack - I really can't believe you stayed in it this long, and I'm even more shocked your team just didn't show up in Week 13. A single point short of TPG. To have the defending champ not even make the playoffs is quite surprising, but after last year's championship, came up just short this year.

Bo$$town Cutter - The most brutal elimination I've ever seen in my life. Down 4, got 4 points from Vernon Davis to tie up your game. Needing just one more point, Kirk Cousins got picked. Then, TPG finished off Mike Y, and all you needed to get in was Matt Forte to score any other point total than 10 so Phil and Dosh didn't tie. Somehow, he got exactly that, they tied, and you wound up with the short straw of the three teams at 6-6-1. That's brutal. I'm sorry. I'd be sick if I were you. Nothing but blazing all day Tuesday.


#1 Dueling Pylons (10-3) - A well deserved rest for the Pylons in week 14. The highest scoring team pretty much all season, Will get one of BG, Fusco, Dosh, and Phil. Hopefully nobody gets hurt.


 #2 Stanky Monkeys (8-4-1) v. #7 Harambe Was Set Up (6-6-1)

 Very interesting matchup here. Of the 7 playoff teams, these were the two lowest scoring. Stanky has really been struggling since losing AJ Green and Alshon. The final 3 weeks scored 105, 89, and 105. Not the best way to head into the playoffs. Phil must be thanking his lucky stars that Matt Forte couldn't finish him off. In the final 5 weeks of the season, he was 0-4-1, with point totals of 79, 104, 81, 113, and 105. I wouldn't expect a high scoring affair, but it should be close. I'll lean towards the team with the slightly higher point

Commish's Pick: Stanky Monkeys
#3 A Lot O'Tatz (7-5-1) v. #6 ROLL THE DICE (6-6-1)

 Everyone had a tie this season apparently. Like Phil, Dosh must feel fortunate that he was able to get just enough from Forte to get him into the playoffs. Unfortunately, he's got a matchup with the 2nd highest scoring team in the league. EEB hit a bit of a lull, but he's arguably the hottest team in the league right now averaging 130 over the past 4 weeks. I think these are two of the best teams remaining, and I think it'll be a good one. But EEB's team is just too hot right now. Like Hansel, so hot right now. He was my #1 team in the preseason rankings for a reason.

Commish's Pick: A Lot O'Tatz
#4 Team BG (7-6) v. #5 Tweeting in the Trenches (6-5-2)

 Did you enjoy your matchup in Week 13? How bout a rematch in Week 14? Very intrigued by this matchup here. Each of these teams has at times looked like the best team in the EFFL. Fusco started extremely hot, and BG held the #1 spot in the power rankings for many weeks. But with Carson Palmer and DeMarcus Murray back, your team will look a lot better. "Charles Clay better get his ass to Oakland" is one of the funniest texts I've ever received. This is going to be a good, tough battle that could go either way. We'll see who shows up.

Commish's Pick: Tweeting in the Trenches
We truly have 3 great matchups in the wild card round that could go either way. I will be waiting patiently for my opponent. Good luck to everyone in Week 14. Hope you enjoyed the spreadsheets.
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Tuesday, November 29, 2016

The Mythical Unicorn



I've never seen anything like it. The EFFL playoff race is absolute madness. Before we get to blogging, I just want to remind everyone of the tiebreakers, which are in the EFFL Rulebook

Standings Tiebreakers
i.) Two teams

  1. Head-to-Head
  2. Most Points Scored
  3. Coin Flip

ii.) More than two teams

  1. If one team has head-to- head advantage over all other teams, rank team first.
  2. Most points scored
  3. If #1 or #2 produce a winner, revert to beginning of standings tiebreakers to determine order of remaining teams.
  4. If #2 produces 2 teams, head-to-head tiebreak among those two teams. If those teams also tied, coin flip. Revert to beginning of standings tiebreakers to determine order of remaining teams.
  5. If more than two teams are still tied after #2, there will be a rocks-paper-scissors tournament to determine the highest ranked team.
Now, while it seems unlikely that there would be 3 teams with the same record and the same number of points scored, I'm not putting anything out of reach this season. Anything can happen. Any coin flip or physical tiebreaker scenario will be conducted next Tuesday evening, December 6th.

More about the EFFL playoffs in a bit.




The haters were out in full force on Sunday. Sean Payton was taking digs at his former defensive coordinator who's a fucking madman by tweeting out Lion King songs. 

In a classic Giants move, Janoris Jenkins talked shit to Terrelle Pryor, who has been playing WR for a total of two years to tell him "He sucks. He caught balls in zone coverage. He a shit eater to me" and "You a shit eater to me, you really sucks". Pryor put up a huge game and this guy is talking shit on the 0-12 Browns. OK, chief.

In lighter news, the Bills were home again, and that means #BILLSMAFIA. Also, the Bills have home games each of the 3 weeks of the playoffs. That's a fantastic development. One of the best custom jerseys I've seen:


Yes, it does.




Where's the ice pack?!!?!?!?!?



Beef of the Week: Graphic NFL Images

You know what I do not want to see? A virtual image of how an ACL comes away from the bone and has to get repaired. It's fucking disgusting. There are plenty of reasons I didn't become a surgeon, and the main one is because repairing people's insides is gross. I don't like it. The NFL needs to stop this.

Then, Derek Carr practically ripped his finger off in his lineman's butt crack, and they zoomed in on his mangled finger over and over again. In case you didn't see it the first 8 times, they zoomed in to show you how fucked up his finger was. They need to chill. It's too much.


EFFL Playoffs

We've only got a total of TWO teams that have clinched a playoff spot at this point. If ESPN cannot calculate the standings correctly, I will.

* #1. Dueling Pylons (9-3) - Stanky Monkeys slipped up against King. A win or a Stanky Monkeys loss locks up a first round bye. Will be the #2 seed otherwise.

* #2. Stanky Monkeys (8-4) - Could be in trouble without AJ and Alshon. Still have an outside shot at the bye, but it's looking more like 3 weeks of playoffs.

#3 Tweeting in the Trenches (6-4-2) - Held off a furious rally from Davante Adams to wind up alone at #3. Win and in. Could pass Lou with a win and a loss from him. Still could miss out with a poor performance.

#4 A Lot O'Tatz (6-5-1) - I thought EEB was cooked but he's back! And not only that, he's the second high in points. Like Fusco, win and in. Even with a loss, you still could sneak in but take care of business.

Now, let's break this ridiculous 7 team tie. I don't care how ESPN decides to rank you. We break ties according to the EFFL rule book.

#5 ROLL THE DICE (6-6) - 1438 points. Nobody owns tiebreak over 6 other tied teams. You have the most points so you're in. 6-7 may or may not be enough. Win and you'll be in.

#6 Team BG (6-6) - 1402 points. Still no head-to-head winner. You're next up in points. Tough game against Fusco. Again, like Dosh, I think if you win, you're in.

#7 The Old Ball Sack (6-6) - 1355 points. Would edge Ben out for the final spot with 5 more points scored on the season. I know TPG will be gunning for you to knock you out.

#8 Pork Chop Express (6-6) - 1350 points. Point total is decent and really could've used that win over Dosh. If you lose, you really need a strong point total. If you win, you'll probably be OK.

#9 Harambe Was Set Up (6-6) - 1316 points. Probably in the need to win category. Point total isn't great enough to survive a loss with the number of other 6-6 teams. One advantage you have is that you play Dosh, so you're guaranteed to pass him with a win.

#10 Bo$$town Cutter (6-6) - 1272 points. Way down on the points totem pole, but I think if you win you have a decent shot of getting in. Will definitely need some help, but problem is you've lost to Lobitz, Mike Y, and Phil. You have fewer points than them also, so you need a number of them to lose to get in. Could really benefit from King win over EEB as well.

#11 The King's Crusaders (6-6) - 1230 points. Did enough to stay in it. Way behind in points, but unlike Cutter you've beaten Mike Y and Phil. Need some results to fall your way, but you've got a shot. Will pass EEB w a win as well.


I'll try to live blog or have a google chat to give up to date playoff results on Sunday. Here are the matchups.

#1 DP (9-3) v #13 Geno 911 (4-8)
#2 Stanky Monkeys (8-4) v #10 Bo$$town Cutter (6-6)
#3 TITTY (6-4-2) v #6 BG (6-6)
#4 A Lot O'Tatz (6-5-1) v #11 The King's Crusaders (6-6)
#5 ROLL THE DICE (6-6) v #9 Harambe Was Set Up (6-6)
#7 The Old Ball Sack (6-6) v #14 TPG (3-8-1)
#8 Pork Chop Express (6-6) v #12 Bartholomew (4-8)

Going to be a wild final Sunday. Can't ever remember only two teams clinched after 12 weeks. Can't wait for the trash talk.

Tatz, UJ, and Gambino - it was a valiant effort this season. Two of you had babies and had your entire teams injured and the other was on pretty much every continent, out of touch with reality. Rough year. I hope each of you ruin somebody else's season in week 13. None more than TPG knocking the defending champ out of the playoffs. That would be incredible. 
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Tuesday, November 22, 2016

All Downhill From Here

Wow, did things take a turn for the worse in week 11 or what?!?!? Andrew Luck concussed, AJ Green hamstring injury, Gio Bernard torn ACL, Zach Miller broken foot, CJ Prosise fractured scapula, LeSean McCoy dislocated thumb, possible Jay Cutler injury. And that's all we know right now!

I feel like this week was a big turning point for NFL teams. I think a number of teams have gotten to the point where they know nothing is happening with their team. Like this guy:


Just out there giving zero fucks. Knows Jared Goff isn't ready to play football but does not care in the least.

Jets keep going back to Ryan Fitzpatrick. And a fun fact on how bad the Browns are. The winningest QB in Cleveland since 1999 is Ben Roethlisberger. Despite playing in Cleveland once a year, he has won more games over that span in Cleveland than any QB that actually played in Cleveland. Incredible.

And what was with the weather this week? 30 MPH gusts in Cleveland, Cincy, Jersey, and DC. Rain in Seattle, rain in LA, rain in San Fran. There was a total of 1 outdoor game that did not have inclement weather on Sunday. That was almost close to being Beef of the Week but barely missed the cut.

DON'T HATE ME, IT'S JUST A JOKE!
What's the difference between a Texans/Raiders game in the USA and a Texans/Raiders game in Mexico?

Nothing. It's a stadium full of Mexicans.


This will surely cheer you up.

I've watched this video at least 20 times, and it does not get old. That dude got absolutely PLASTERED!!! Fox sound guy with awful timing and a friendly reminder that none of us are anywhere near large enough to compete in football. That is the hardest hit I've ever seen in my life, hands down. #1. He hit the ground so hard I think he created a sinkhole.

Second biggest hit from Sunday:

Somehow, somehow, this was flagged. It's a running play and instead of blocking the DB, Bradford runs backwards. Going off on the refs is surely what led Arians to be hospitalized with chest pains.

Again, I also would like to remind you this week, and every week, that Ian Rapoport is the worst reporter in the league. Sunday, he reported that AJ Green had torn his hamstring and was headed for an MRI on Monday. How does a reporter at a computer know that AJ tore his hamstring before a medical professional evaluated him and was able to assess properly? He just spews garbage and because he works for the NFL people are glued to him. He's a terrible, terrible reporter that is constantly wrong.


Beef of the Week: Mike Y

I was pretty chill this week. Didn't have too much beef until Sunday night when I absolutely lost it. After getting double teamed by Jordan/Jamison, porn star extraordinaire, the following ensued:

Jamison Crowder scores a TD. Mike's trash talk? 

"Oh thank God"

I was irate. What kind of trash talk is that?!?!?!? How bout a "suck on the old ball sack, Cro". "Maybe a shot of Jameson will make you feel better". We didn't go in on a 14 point favorite that was shitting the bed and we got a back door cover. We were NOT on the same side. What is "Oh thank God"?!?!? That's embarrassing. I also got this exchange earlier in the week:

Mike: I'm out to the left
Me: Hahah I assume not meant for me?
Mike: Oops
Mike: Sorry. Picking up my kid.

Mike: In front now
Mike: Dammit

This is unacceptable on all fronts. Your trash talk and tech skills need work, my friend. May I recommend the gaping mouth emoji followed by the eggplant emoji in the future.


EEB pointed out something fun to me. Apparently all of the lower seeds (sans TPG tie) defeated the higher seeds in the games this week. That's unheard of, but will make for a great stretch run.

Friendly reminder that trade deadline is Wednesday. Also, anyone added after 1 PM Sunday is ineligible to be kept for the 2017 season. Here's where we stand. There are NINE teams within a game of each other.

EFFL Playoffs

* #1. Stanky Monkeys (8-3) - Took the L against PCE, but Pylons also losing means still in the top spot. Looks like Stanky Monkeys or Pylons will get the bye, but this team is currently reeling.

* #2 Dueling Pylons (8-3) - Team had a bad week all around and can't get any points from the Tight End spot. Finally through the byes, which bodes well.

#3 Team BG (6-5) - In a 5 way tie and that means highest points. BG has the edge among teams with a .555 win %. Has beaten Phil, Ben, EEB, and Mike Y, which bodes well for your chances to at least do well in tiebreakers.

#4 Tweeting in the Trenches (5-4-2) - What a record. Hopkins couldn't beat a kicker, I chastised that trade at the time, and I still believe it. Showdown with BG in Week 13 could be for a playoff spot. Still looking pretty solid.

#5 Harambe Was Set Up (6-5) - Since you've beaten Ben and Cutter, you have the tiebreaker here despite having fewer points. The problem is that this team has gone ice cold and is really hanging on for dear life at this point. Where will the turnaround come from? Gronk's injuries have really hurt you.

#6 Pork Chop Express (6-5) - Took out Cutter back in Week 3 which puts you into 6th. I'd argue your team has been playing as well as any in the league lately. Will be interesting to see how your rookies hold up. Zeke is getting so much work that it's fair to wonder if he'll wear down.

#7 Bo$$town Cutter (6-5) - You've won 4 of 5, and it's not all that surprising your team is performing at a high level. Point total is pretty low and you have lost to a lot of the teams in front of you. Best bet would be to avoid tiebreakers.

#8 A Lot O'Tatz (5-5-1) - May have finally righted the ship and finish against Cutter and Woody. Win two and you're in. Win one and you still may be OK.

#9 ROLL THE DICE (5-6) - Good news is you've got a ton of points, so if you wind up in a 3 or 4 way tie, you're likely to have an advantage. Your team has allowed by far the most points, which is just unfortunate. Matchups against two 6-5 teams to finish the season leaves it in your hands.

#10 The King's Crusaders (5-6) - Win over Mike Y gives you the edge, but unlike Dosh, your point total is severely lacking. There's definitely work to be done, but I think you can win 2 and sneak in.

#11 The Old Ball Sack (5-6) - Would've loved to just about knock you out but shit happens. Nobody is talking about the absolute trade rape of the year getting Mariota and Jordan Reed for absolutely nothing. Plays two of the bottom 3 in the final 2 weeks so we'll see.

#12 Team Bartholomew (4-7) - Not officially out! Must win two and definitely some ground to make up in the points column, but your team has been trending upwards. Dez finally got it together. I do think a 6-7 team gets in.

x #13 Tequila Party Gnomes (3-7-1) - That tie ended your playoff hopes. Your team has more points than both Cutter and Woody, so it is a bit harsh to already be out. Losses of 1, 5, 6 and a tie and this could look a lot different. Injuries were way too harsh.

x #14 Geno 911 (3-8) - Your Super Bowl is in Week 13 when you try to dash the Pylons hopes of getting a bye. I'm sure you'll drop 150 on me.


Week 12 Matchups

There are some unbelievable matchups this week. Almost everyone is playing a team right next to them in the standings. Things could get even closer.

#1 Stanky Monkeys (8-3) v. #10 The King's Crusaders (5-6)
#2 Dueling Pylons (8-3) v. #3 Team BG (6-5)
#4 Tweeting in the Trenches (5-4-2) v. #5 Harambe Was Set Up (6-5)
#6 Pork Chop Express (6-5) v. #9 ROLL THE DICE (5-6)
#7 Bo$$town Cutter (6-5) v. #8 A Lot O'Tatz (5-5-1)
#11 The Old Ball Sack (5-6) v. #12 Team Bartholomew (4-7)
#13 Tequila Party Gnomes (3-7-1) v. #14 Geno 911 (3-8)
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Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Marquee Matchups Return



Well that was quite the week 10! Finally the NFL schedule maker realized how you succeed: put all of the bad teams against each other, then put the good teams in prime matchups. It makes it so easy to just skip right over games. Jaguars-Texans? Pass. Bears-Bucs? Pass. Jets-Rams? Didn't happen.

You got Saints-Broncos, Cowboys-Steelers and Seahawks-Patriots all in different time slots.  That's good stuff. Tajae Sharpe was penalized for scoring a TD then taking a nap on the ball. That's bad form trying to do anything other than the #MannequinChallenge. I really want to see a team do the mannequin challenge as a TD celebration. Is that a choreographed demonstration or a group celebration if you don't move? That's new territory and I can't wait to see how it unfolds.

Also, I'm not afraid to admit it. Bengals-Giants was not as exciting as Tron doing a salsa to Daddy Yankee. You can judge me.

Kirk Cousins is back:



I don't think this is on the level of YOU LIKE THAT?!?!? This is pretty bad. There's only one acceptable Oooohweeeeeee. No limit.


The NFL has another fantastic controversy on its hands.




Fox keeps photoshopping Sam Bradford's head on other former Vikings QBs bodies. They did it earlier this year on Teddy Bridgewater's body. They went so far as to change the skin color. But they couldn't remove double gloves, which Sam Bradford has never worn.

I'm also a huge fan of Brady's audibles. He sacked me in the EFFL playoffs a couple years back with "GOLD WILLIE". Last night he had a "SCOOBY DOO! SCOOBY DOO!" I need more! Can't keep yelling OMAHA over and over. Switch it up!

The EFFL is heating up at the right time. Stanky Monkeys and Dueling Pylons punched their playoff tickets in Week 10. 8 wins is the magic number at this point in time. Mathematically, 8 wins guarantees you a playoff spot. But before we get into the standings and scenarios, we've gotta air some grievances.

Beef of the Week: NO FLAGS

No, I don't have beef with there being a lack of flags. I have SEVERE beef with Joe Buck screaming "NO FLAGS" after every single touchdown. Not only is it fucking annoying, it's just a mathematically improbable statement.

Despite penalties being as high as ever, there are about 15 called per game. At the same time, teams run about 120 plays per game combined. So, you're out there mouthing off about something that happens about once every 8 plays, or a 12.5% chance. There's really no reason to say it. Would you scream NO PUNTS after a play is run? Or NO INJURIES? Those things happen almost as frequently, but it makes no sense to yell them on any play. It's his catch phrase and it's so FUCKING stupid. I never want to hear Joe Buck call another game.

I turned on 5 minutes of the World Series and he sounded like a jackass doing that too. Not surprising.


Broadway Cro's Bad Beat of the Week: Saints pick 'em.

We thankfully teased to +5.5, which was sweaty enough, but if I had the ML I would've been heated. Down 6, the Saints scored a TD to take the lead with just under 2 minutes left.

The ensuing extra point to take the lead is BLOCKED and run all the way back for two points and the Broncos win. The returner also clearly stepped out of bounds, and somehow the call was not overturned. The Saints went onsides, could not recover, and that was that. Broncos win by 2. That's the beauty of gambling. There's always a new way for you to get fucked.

Also, just another reminder that Bruce Arians might be the worst coach in the NFL.


EFFL Playoffs

Officially In
As said earlier, 8 wins is the magic number to get into the playoffs. The Pylons and Stanky Monkeys have locked up a playoff spot. It looks like it'll be those two competing for the bye.

* 1. Stanky Monkeys (8-2) - Owns tiebreaker over the Pylons, and the win in Week 10 was massive. Losing Alshon to PEDs will hurt, but it's your spot to lose.

* 2. Dueling Pylons (8-2) - Here's the Pylons last 6 without DJ or Antonio on a bye: 127, 130, 162, 123, 133, 130. Pylons are hot and through the byes, and currently the favorite to take home the most points prize.


Next Up
These teams are going to move around on a weekly basis since they're so close to each other.

 3. Team BG (6-4) - Shot right up the standings real quick. Owns the tiebreaker over Phil, which helps. I like your team, and I think you end up in the playoffs. 2 of 3 gets it done. I think 1 of 3 should be enough too.

4. Harambe Was Set Up (6-4) - Came back to the pack as I expected. I think your team is good enough to get in, but you've lost to all 3 teams ahead of you. That may not bode well for your chances at a title.

5. Tweeting in the Trenches (5-4-1) - Certainly not safe yet, and has now lost 4 of 5. 2 of your last 3 games are against teams in front of you so that may be tough. I think 2 more wins should be fine. If you end 6-6-1, I think you could be in trouble. DeMarco Murray doesn't have his bye until week 13, and that's the worst time for you.

6. ROLL THE DICE (5-5) - With so many teams bunched together, your high point total may come in handy. You still play Cutter and Ben, so it's up to you if you want to be in the playoffs. Beat them both and you'll be in.

7. Pork Chop Express (5-5) - If it started today, you'd be the last team in due to your head-to-head over Cutter. And we'd be playing each other. I'm sure you'd love that. Your team is certainly playing better now. Will have to keep it up to get in.

8. Bo$$town Cutter (5-5) - Nice win to get back to .500. Despite being on the outside looking in, you can definitely play your way in. All of your big boys are done with their byes and you should get Tevin Coleman back soon as well. I don't think anyone wants to play you in the playoffs.


Work To Do
These teams probably need at least two wins to get in.

9. A Lot O'Tatz (4-5-1) - Only a half game out, so you can still definitely get in. Huge win over TPG in Week 10. After losing 5 of 6, the fact that you're righting the ship is a good sign. Finish against Woody, and I know you've got that one circled.

10. The King's Crusaders (4-6) - Took out Mike Y in week 1, which has you ahead of him for the moment. Your point total isn't that great, so it might be tough if you get in a 3 way tie. I think you could be in some trouble.

11. The Old Ball Sack (4-6) - I thought your team was back, but you hit a snag in Week 10. I'm sure you'll turn around and take that out on me in Week 11. 6-7 may not be enough, and it would be an honor to take out the defending champ.


Last Legs
The end is in sight for these guys. Shows you for laughing at "GET OUT OF THIRD"

12. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-7) - It just never came together, and you let EEB off the hook. Must win 3 to get to 6-7, and probably needs some help. Fusco, Gambino and Mike Y on the schedule, so even if you don't get in, you can knock out each of the last 4 champs.

13. Geno 911 (3-7) - Doesn't even look like your team is scoring points anymore, but I'm sure Lou would appreciate you taking me down in Week 13. Likewise must get to 6-7, but you do have two games against teams in this category.

14. Team Bartholomew (3-7) - Absolutely had to win in Week 10 and you did. Can you get 3 more? I think you have the weakest opposing schedule. Glad Dez finally showed up for you.


Week 11 Matchups

#1 Stanky Monkeys (8-2) v. #7 Pork Chop Express (5-5)
#2 Dueling Pylons (8-2) v. #11 The Old Ball Sack (4-6)
#3 Team BG (6-4) v. #10. The King's Crusaders (4-6)
#4 Harambe Was Set Up (6-4) v. #9 A Lot O'Tatz (4-5-1)
#5 Tweeting in the Trenches (5-4-1) v. #12 Tequila Party Gnomes (3-7)
#6 ROLL THE DICE (5-5) v. #8 Bo$$town Cutter (5-5)
#13 Geno 911 (3-7) v. #14 Team Bartholomew (3-7)
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Tuesday, November 8, 2016

GT3 Gettin It In


Just a fantastic picture, and a fantastic finish to an otherwise pitiful slate of 1 PM games. Here's the actual video:




Somebody in the NFL league office made the schedule, sat down with higher ups, and came across Week 9.

Schedule Maker: Guys, we have 32 teams, but we're only going to have 6 games at 1 PM on Sunday. Everybody cool with that?
NFL: Sure, that'll do
Schedule Maker: 4 of the 6 games feature the Browns, Jaguars, Jets, and Ravens. None of them are playing each other.
NFL: Let's do it!

Gotta be kidding me, man. There's only one way out. Bet against the Browns? Check. Bet against the Jaguars? Check. Gotta love those teasers. Nick Foles tried to do us in the best he could.


Great submission from a blog fan, here. Coach, we're going to OT!! That's right baby, slide em down and get to work. Unfortunate portrait view, however. That's child's play!

Travis Kelce is quickly rising up my list of favorite players. Despite having a reality dating show, I'm 100% for players disrespecting idiot referees. If you suck at your job, you should be called out for it. Look at this!


Kelce says something to old man. Old man flags him. Kelce flags old man with the towel. Old man flags Kelce with the hat and tosses him. That's an unbelievable sequence. Asked for his thoughts on these decisions, Kelce just motioned:


The funniest thing I saw on Sunday, however, was this sick attempt at an onside kick:


This actually happened in an NFL football game. #SoccerKickFail

While there were some humorous things, it's time to get into the most obvious Beef of the Week ever.

Beef of the Week: Doug Pederson

Winning the award this week going away in a bigger landslide than Clayton Bigsby in the deep south. The Eagles had a drive start at the Giants 15 yard line. The Eagles had  drive start at the Giants 35 yard line. The Eagles on two additional occasions got deep into Giants territory. On these 4 drives, the Eagles scored a total of 0 points and lost by 5. How can this happen?

Pederson has now blown two games in a row, and this just can't happen. Terrible play calling. Terrible decision making. A blocked field goal. It was excruciating. There is no way the Giants should have won that game. I can't imagine anybody anywhere that supports the Eagles thinks Doug is doing a good job right now.

Asked if he would do anything differently, Pederson responded with a stern no. Nothing like learning from your mistakes, idiot. I foresee a lot of frustrating games in the future.


Also, if you have not seen the National Geographic Friday night penguin fights, it's a must see. That shit was violent as hell! And the commentary, my God! "She has no time for losers". The penguin doesn't have weapons to go after the animal laying it to his triflin wife. He has flippers and a beak. So sad. That was heartbreaking.

On to the good stuff...

Power Rankings

 As indicated last week, this will be the final power rankings. The future will have playoff standings, and there are so many teams extremely close in the standings. Right now, 4-5 is a playoff team.

Gotta love when your two lowest teams from last week combine for 300 points.

14. Geno 911 (3-6) - Last week: 12. Rough loss to go to 3-6. Have to get some wins quick. Banking on Bucs RBs to carry you looks to be backfiring.

13. The Old Ball Sack (4-5) - Last week: 13. I'm not buying the big week. Latavius Murray and Marcus Mariota is not a stud combination. Ajayi looks good though. Certainly within reach of the playoffs.

12. Team Bartholomew (2-7) - Last week: 11. Players just not coming through on a consistent basis. Marcus Mariota outscoring Dez, Cam, and Sanders combined? That ain't right.

11. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-6) - Last week: 8. Looked at your starters this week and went "HOLY CRAP". Gore has been solid. Tons of byes. It happens.

10. A Lot O'Tatz (3-5-1) - Last week: 7. I think A Lot O'Tatz is in a lot O'Trouble.  That was your kicker in the GIF above, of course. Guys are contributing, but you're just not getting the big weeks from players that others are. You've fallen behind Mike Y.

9. Pork Chop Express (4-5) - Last week: 14. That's about as good as your team can possibly do. Even TJ Yeldon scored some points. Here's a fun fact: Not a single WR on your team has had a 100 yard receiving game since week 2.

8. The King's Crusaders (4-5) - Last week: 10. Typical. Started off poor and now back in it. Tough to keep the King down. You would get 22 out of DuJuan Harris. I think you'll be OK.

7. Bo$$town Cutter (4-5) - Last week: 6. With pretty much your entire team on a bye, there's only so much can do. But you're through it, and the rest of the way you'll have your core. I think you're a contender.

6. ROLL THE DICE (5-4) - Last week: 9. Stay still, son! Took my advice on the QB and went and snagged Rivers for absolutely nothing. Poor EEB had no shot. 54 points from a WR and a kicker on Thursday night is rude.

5. Stanky Monkeys (7-2) - Last week: 5. Sometimes it's better to be lucky than good. Big matchup with Phil next week. You have the tiebreaker over the Pylons, so a win will put you in great shape for the bye.

4. Tweeting in the Trenches (5-3-1) - Last week: 4. Look at that sneaky Mike Y. Traded you a guy knowing he was on a bye when you played him. Can't believe the season Murray is having. He's on pace for 400 touches.

3. Harambe Was Set Up (6-3) - Last week: 3. This is exactly how I felt after having receivers go against the Broncos. You just have no chance. Of course the Raiders are on a bye again when you need a win the most.

2. Dueling Pylons (7-2) - Last week: 2. Good feeling when you get through the byes and don't need to make any lineup changes really. Pylons are set up for a stretch run and looking strong.

1. Team BG (5-4) - Last week: 1. Rough week, but I still think you're at the top. Your QB and RB played probably the best passing and rushing defenses, respectively. I wouldn't be concerned just yet.


Week 10 Matchups
D-WEEZE v. Pylons
Tatz v. King
TITTY v. Lobitz
TPG v. EEB
Monkeys v. Harambe
Gambino v. Cutter
Mike Y v. BG
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Tuesday, November 1, 2016

NFL In the Shitter


Each week, it keeps getting worse. There were three NFL firsts on Sunday. Yes, three things that happened for the first time in the history of the league. All 3 of these things were very, very bad.

1. The NFL forced viewers to watch Overtime of Redskins-Bengals from London that ended in a tie. Here we are, in 2016. It's 1:30 PM, and we can't watch a 1:00 game because the league has decided they want to jam 4 fucking time slots of arguably now 4 hour games into one day. I wanted to watch Seahawks-Saints, but there was no escape. Red Zone refused to show anything other than OT of the same fucking game, like there are people in the world who have Red Zone, but do not have FOX.

2. The Raiders were the first team ever to be called for 23 penalties in a game. 23 penalties for 200 yards. Those were ACCEPTED penalties. And that game went to OT too!! Again, Red Zone did a terrible job, because they refused to show any game other than this pathetic piece of shit from about 3-4:30. I was all hype after watching Straight Outta Compton Saturday night, but by 4:15, I had to just shut the TV off.

3. Hours later, Carson Wentz delivered a historically bad statistical performance. He was the first QB in the history of the NFL to throw more than 40 passes, complete over 70% of them, and average fewer than 5 yards per attempt. It was disgusting to watch Doug Pederson call a game where he was so afraid of the defense, that he actually was calling for Wentz to throw the ball backwards on critical 3rd down plays. What a fucking joke.

Might as well just get right into the beef of the week, because it's pretty obvious at this point.

Beef of the Week: There's too much football

6 teams were on a bye in week 8. That means that there were 13 games to be played. Those 13 games were spread out, for some absurd reason, over 6 time slots. Thursday night, 4 different time slots on Sunday, and a Monday night game is flat out too much.

Given the way these games have gone, with the time and the flags, you're looking at 3.5 hours per game. Nobody wants to spend 14 hours of their day watching football. Not even me! And that's saying something.

The Thursday night games need to go. Everybody including the players despise those games. The London games NEED to go. The ratings have to be pitiful. I really can't imagine anybody that made it a point to get up at 9:30 to watch Bengals-Redskins unless they were fans of those two teams.

Except for Thanksgiving and Christmas, there should be 4 time slots only.1:00, 4;00, Sunday night, and Monday night. That's it. And I know I'm not alone in feeling this way when you see what's happened with the ratings.

Goodell is a terrible commissioner. If people told me the EFFL sucked and they'd rather spend their time elsewhere, I wouldn't blame Donald Trump or the election. Drop the ego. Evaluate. Fix it. We're fucked for this year, but if the league decides not to make any changes before next year, things are going to turn south very quickly.


At this point, there's almost only one acceptable way to watch the NFL: On 7 screens at once at the local brew pub getting absolutely shit-canned. That's a good time.

I'd also like to point out to all of you what I've said over and over. Ian Rapoport, aka @RapSheet, is probably the worst reporter in the business. He CONSTANTLY reports things from "sources" that are flat untrue. He's basically the Chris Broussard of football reporting without the open hate of gay people and Jews. Here's what you take from RapSheet: When he reports a story, immediately dismiss it as false. Then, look up real reporters close to the players who he is reporting about for a more accurate story. Look at this!


Get out of here, clown.

False.

False.

This is a guy employed by the NFL who is absolutely terrible at his job.

It wasn't all bad on Sunday. There were a number of highlight of humor. You knew with the Bills hosting the Patriots, #BillsMafia was gonna be rowdy as hell. Thank you, EFFL members (Fallon voice). I had never been sent pictures/videos of dildos by multiple men before.




And the aftermath:




Pregame:








#BillsMafia continues to bring the noise. Also, Wade Phillips was murdered by Melvin Gordon with a crushing blow. That's a 70 year old man! Damn, that's hateful!



But the biggest story of the day, in my opinion, was Packers rookie WR Geronimo Allison. Nobody had ever heard of this guy before this week, yet there he was catching a TD from Aaron Rodgers. Somebody decided to look through his old tweets and found an absolute gold mine.

Apparently, Geronimo Allison had not scrubbed his Twitter, and that was a big mistake.



His Twitter account is now deleted, but wow, what a time to be alive. It was discovered during the Packers game, and Twitter was blowing up, just knowing that when Geronimo got back to his locker all hype from his TD, shit was going to get ugly real quick.

His only response to whether it was him tweeting these things: "I can't say if it was me or not". Hilarious. Instead of questioning Twitter, he could've just asked Phil.


On to the power rankings, and teams at the top did not have a good week. Pylons and TITTY both stumbled, and things are certainly getting a bit more interesting for the playoff race. Next week will be the last power rankings. After week 10, we'll flip over to the playoff race, as that will be much more important.

Power Rankings

 14. Pork Chop Express (3-5) - Last week: 13. I feel like this is the best your team has to offer, and it was a struggle to get to 100 points. Lucked out with a stat change to give you a 3rd win, but I think you have a bit of an uphill battle to get in. I don't think you're clearly the worst team, but you're certainly in the mix.

13. The Old Ball Sack (3-5) - Last week: 14. Hope you enjoyed that Jordan Reed week before he gets concussed again. Similar to Ben, I think this is about as good as you can possibly hope for from your team. For one week, it was good enough, but I wouldn't expect things to continue. Pretty much none of your good players have had their bye yet.

12. Geno 911 (3-5) - Last week: 11. I know I'm pretty stunned. Beat Fusco with a total of 1 player on your bench scoring points. Heading into Monday night, your starters and bench didn't even combine for 100 points. Awfully well done. The league appreciates your efforts, but continued success may be difficult to find.

11. Team Bartholomew (2-6) - Last week: 10. Going up against the Raiders in a never-ending game is not ideal for fantasy. You may need to win out to get in, but the good news is you do not have a game left against a team with a record better than 3-5. I think you're still in it.

10. The King's Crusaders (3-5) - Last week: 12. Classic. I score more than you each of the first 7 weeks, yet when we play week 8, you get the win. It was expected. Again, I almost feel like this is the best your team has to offer. We'll see how Jordy does when he's not competing with Geronimo Allison for targets.

9. ROLL THE DICE (4-4) - Last week: 8. Things have come completely unhinged for Dosh. It looked like he was going to be a real playa at the beginning of the season, but it's just not the case. Russell Wilson's injury is killing you because you keep using him. Usually when guys get hurt, people look for alternatives!

8. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-6) - Last week: 6. Finish with Tatz, EEB, Fusco, Gambino, Mike Y, so I certainly see the potential for some wins in there. But the window may be closing soon. Can't afford too many more defeats. As usual, nobody was ravaged by high picks getting injured more than you.

7. A Lot O'Tatz (3-4-1) - Last week: 9. Had a better showing this week, but it still wasn't enough. I don't know how much more you can do, and there are a lot of teams breathing down your neck. Perhaps uncovering a waiver wire gem would do it, but right now, you're stuck in a bit of a rut.

6. Bo$$town Cutter (4-4) - Last week: 7. Pretty much climbing on a weekly basis. This was expected given how the team was set up, but you've been improving steadily. Seems like every time you use Chris Hogan, he goes off. Sorry he got that dildo tossed at him.

5. Stanky Monkeys (6-2) - Last week: 5. I think there's a good amount of distance between your team and the teams below you. Clearly in the top tier. AJ Green is a monster. Will be interesting to see what your team looks like in a couple weeks when Big Ben comes back. Still could use an RB.

4. Tweeting in the Trenches (5-2-1) - Last week: 3. You're lucky I don't rank you last. Losing to Gambino is unacceptable. Started the wrong Chargers TE yet again. I do like that you traded for Hopkins, as his season is a total loss. It's helpful for your opponents to keep starting a guy with no chance of 20 points.

3. Harambe Was Set Up (6-2) - Last week: 4. Shellacked the pants off of Tatz. That wasn't nice. Gronk is balling out. Davante Adams looks like a nice pickup for now. He's terrible at football, but since nobody else on the Packers can get open and they have no RBs, he gets thrown the ball a lot. Keep riding Staffy, Devonta, Gronk and your Raiders and you'll be OK.

2. Dueling Pylons (6-2) - Last week: 1. Pylons drop from the top spot following a 96 point effort. But it's hard to see this team doing much worse. Antonio on a bye. Receivers going up against Seattle and Denver. Seahawks D going up against the Saints. No reason to move this team down further.

1. Team BG (5-3) - Last week: 2. Finally back in the win column and back atop the power rankings. EEB was probably all fired up when you didn't fix your lineup til Sunday morning. Even in a down week for Julio, the rest of the team came through. Sproles looked real nice too. He might get some more play. I like where this team is at.


We have some critical matchups in Week 9 that could put some teams just about in, or just about out.

Week 9 Matchups
Pylons v. Cutty
Tatz v. TPG
BG v. Stanky Monkeys
Fusco v. Mike Y
Ben v. Gambino
Woody v. Phil
Dosh v. EEB

7 wins may be enough to get into the playoffs, but 8 definitely will be. With only 5 weeks left in the regular season, things are about to get a bit more interesting.
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Monday, October 24, 2016

Sunday Night Ties



The Cardinals and Seahawks were not the only teams whose matchup ended in a tie. In the EFFL, there was a barn burner between TPG and the Pork Chop Express going on which also ended all square.

I have to say, this was probably one of the worst bad beats in fantasy football I've ever seen in my life. Pork Chop's odds to win had to be in something like the 99.99% range. Here's how it went down.

With just under a minute left in regulation, Bruce Arians decided he was not going to use his timeouts to get the ball back. Instead, he let the clock run out, letting three timeouts go to waste, and played for overtime.

At the start of overtime, TPG was down by 3. Larry Fitzgerald had 8 catches for 51 yards and needed to somehow get 3 points to tie or 4 to win. The Cardinals started with the ball. They drove down for a FG with no Fitz catches, which under new rules keeps the game going. If the Seahawks scored a TD or failed to score, the game would be over. Naturally, the Seahawks drove down and kicked a FG of their own, to keep the game going even longer.

The Cardinals get the ball a second time with just 6 minutes left in OT and TPG somehow still alive. On 3rd and 7, Palmer hits JJ Nelson for 40 yards and as he's about to turn into the end zone and end the game, a defender grabs a shoelace to pull him down and keep the Seahawks in it.


Now with 4 minutes left, the Cardinals have first and goal at the Seahawks 5. Any score will end the game.

First down: David Johnson takes a handoff, cuts outside, dives for the pylon, and is ruled just out of bounds about a foot short of the goal line on a very questionable call.



All replays come from the booth in OT. So what does Arians do? He hurries everyone to the line to try and sneak a play in like he just got away with something. It's a quick plunge from David Johnson, and he's absolutely stuffed at the goal line on 2nd down. Arians then decides he's going to kick it: a 19 yard field goal to win the game.

Naturally, a delay of game on the attempt moves the ball back 5 yards. And what happens? Harambe kicker Chandler Catanzaro doinks the 24 yarder off the upright. Absolutely incredible. The game goes on. Now with just 3 minutes left in OT, TPG needs the Cardinals to get the ball back for a 3rd time in OT and hit Fitz.




The Seahawks drive with time running down. 31 yards to Jermaine Kearse. 27 yards to Dougie Baldwin. The Seahawks are inside the Cardinals 10 with under a minute to play. They move the ball to the middle of the field for a game winning Hauschka attempt with 11 seconds left. With 11 seconds left in OT, Hauschka from 28... and it's NO GOOD. WIDE LEFT!!! THE LACES WERE IN!!! THEY WERE IN!!!! Finkle has blown it!!



(Make sure you listen with the sound on)

There are just 7 seconds left, the Cardinals have their ball at their own 20 yard line, and the game is set to end in a tie. But TPG and PCE is not over just yet. The Cardinals set up into bunch formation right. The Seahawks are nowhere to be found. They're just looking to stop the big play. Palmer drops back, fires, AND IT'S LARRY FITZGERALD WITH THE CATCH. He's running desperately trying to get out of bounds to allow a Hail Mary. He does, with just 2 seconds left on the clock. But how many yards was the catch? TPG needs it to be 19 to tie the game. It's awful close. The official ruling: a 19 yard catch by Larry Fitzgerald. With 2 seconds left in overtime, TPG has tied it up, and that's how things will end: tied 80-80.

Truly one of the most shocking results in EFFL history.


I've gotta say, in a year where the league is taking all kinds of flack (rightfully so) for just making the product unwatchable, the league needs some good guys doing things like this:




Or this gooch handoff:


Or this classic Mularkey:



Football should be fun, which brings me to my beef of the week.

Beef of the Week: Frequency vs. Severity

The league is calling more penalties, that's just a fact. It disrupts game flow. It makes a 60 minute game WITH A CLOCK last 3 and a half hours. If you're going to call more, why not consider changing how many yards the penalties are.

Offensive holding is one that comes directly to mind that I have so much beef with lately. Defensive holding is 5 yards. Why not make offensive holding also 5 yards? Holding penalties make everything terrible. You get a team in 1st and 20 or 2nd and 20, and it's more often than not going to end in a punt, followed by a commercial. Just one holding penalty practically wastes the next 10 minutes of your time. This happens far too often in every game.

Plus, penalties should be consistent. The league changed the face mask penalty so there wasn't a 5 and 15 yard version. Make everything consistent.

Make all pass interference penalties 10 yards. Make all holding penalties 5 yards. I want to see fewer punts and more scoring, and if you're calling more penalties and disrupting the game, at least make them less severe. There's no need to have over 200 yards of called penalties every single game.


Power Rankings

 Things are getting much tighter around the middle. Right now I think there are 3 elite teams, and most of the rest are all within striking distance of each other.

14. The Old Ball Sack (2-5) - Last week: 10. Left Jay Ajayi on the bench AGAIN! He's probably had his 2 best performances on the season already. You decided to corner the market on Camerons for some reason. The Texans and Jets are in the shitter, which is bad news for you. Terrible lineup decisions and players on terrible teams is not a winning combination.

13. Pork Chop Express (2-4-1) - Last week: 13 - Gambino put up a good week. You continued to struggle. Your WR core of ARob (I won't give anything more than him for David Johnson!), Jordan Matthews, and Stefon Diggs has put up a combined 36 points over the last 3 weeks. You're supplementing this trio with Shaun Draughn and TJ Yeldon. Impressive.

12. The King's Crusaders (2-5) - Last week: 12. It is not looking good right now. I had big concerns after the draft, and thus far they have not been alleviated. On an L5 and with one of the toughest remaining schedules, it will be interesting to see how much longer this team can hang around. Good news for you: ESPN somehow has given Ty Montgomery RB eligibility. That's a joke.

11. Geno 911 (2-5) - Last week: 14. There's a clear bottom 4 in my opinion, and you made it. Citing a "career day from Jacquizz Rodgers" is not a feather in your cap. That's laughable. You didn't deserve to lose this week, but things happen. If your fearsome foursome of Mike Wallace, Gary Barnidge, Jacquizz, and Brandon LaFell put up 70 in a game again I'll be absolutely stunned.

10. Team Bartholomew (2-5) - Last week: 11. With Cam and Dez on a bye, your team still held its own. As I've been saying, I see you trending up. Another nice thing is that your 3 best players have already had their byes, so while other teams are struggling, you should be doing OK. Tough break about Arian Foster retiring. Guy's a total wacko.

9. A Lot O'Tatz (3-3-1) - Last week: 6. Benched Brees for some reason in favor of Alex Smith. Used McCoy knowing he was injured. Classic poor EEB lineup decisions are again coming home to roost. You really need McCoy or Theo Riddick to get healthy quick. I don't think you have enough other pieces to support that foundation.

8. ROLL THE DICE (4-3) - Last week: 9. Scored 67 last week and 163 this week, even with Brian Hoyer getting hurt. What am I supposed to do with you? Melvin Gordon has 10 TDs through week 7. I can't believe it. Even Jack Doyle (rules) went off. As I said last week, don't worry about the ranking. I think you're closer to the top teams than the Mike Y's of the world.

7. Bo$$town Cutter (3-4) - Last week: 8. As expected, your team is playing much, much better now. Your big 3 came through again, and Mark Ingram finally scored. John Brown's sickle cell is a tough break. Stick with your starters and you should be pretty competitive.

6. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-4-1) - Last week: 4. Injuries have absolutely ravaged TPG. 3rd round pick Big Dick Decker is out for years. Jamaal Charles can't get on the field. Bobby Woods is banged up. Jordan Reed is concussed again. And still TPG is hanging in there. The Ravens game plan was inexplicable. T. West should be back to normal soon.

5. Stanky Monkeys (5-2) - Last week: 5. After a hot start, the Stanky Monkeys have failed to top 110 points 3 weeks in a row. A.J. Green is still producing, but nobody else really is at all. After leaving Davante Adams' 38 points on the bench, you'll start him, and he'll score 5. Still OK from a record perspective.

4. Harambe Was Set Up (5-2) - Last week: 6. Came out hot with a lot of trash talk. Then decided to go to the Eagles game in purple. You were just asking for it this week. I think your team should be fine. Don't see any reason why you wouldn't be in the playoffs. Probably in the 4-6 range, right outside of the big 3.

3. Tweeting in the Trenches (5-1-1) - Last week: 3. T.Y. and DeMarco have been unstoppable. Most RB depth of any team in the league. Very solid team. QBs leave a bit to be desired. Serious contender at this point.

2. Team BG (4-3) - Last week: 2. Brutal defeat. The winning reception hit Demaryius right in the hands in the 4th quarter and he just didn't want to catch it. Need to hope your boy Jarvis isn't suspended for that complete cheap shot against the Bills. Carr hasn't been that great lately, but there are enough other pieces in place where you should be fine. Finally having healthy RBs will go a long way.

1. Dueling Pylons (6-1) - Last week: 1. Pylons still at the top as the highest scoring team with the best record. Has 123+ points in every game but one. Been getting a lot of "You only have two players", which is fine. Pylons special teams are a huge contributor.

Puppy update: Rachael has agreed that if we acquire a dog due to Pylons title, the puppy will be named Tyrod. I hope this happens.


Only 6 weeks to go in the regular season. Things are super tight at the playoff cut line. Every single team is still in it with 6 teams on 2 wins.

Week 8 Matchups
The most important matchup is clearly Patriots at Bills. #BillsMafia is going to be out of control. I look forward to posting debauchery in this spot next week.

 King v. Pylons
Dosh v. Lou
Tatz v. Phil
Fusco v. Gambino - Aaaaayyy hiyadooooin
Lobitz v. Mike Y
TPG v. Cutty
EEB v. BG
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Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Someone Beat Chris Fusco

This started as a command. It ended as a statement.

This has gone on way too long. 3 championships, a loss in the final last year, and now undefeated through 5 weeks of the EFFL season. Enough is enough. I tried my hand at taking this clown down, only to be fucking baby cock blasted by Odell Beckham Jr. Thankfully, David Johnson restored order to the world. Prepare yourselves, because I'm about to go in. Lots of cursing ahead! And this will be the last time Odell gets mentioned this season.

This dude Odell dropped 38 fantasy points on me in the 2nd half alone! Each week I just hate this guy more and more. I actually snapped this week. This is what caused it:



What kind of fucked up shit is this? I don't think I've ever screamed "STOP IT" at a fantasy football game before this. It's actually embarrassing to watch a guy try so hard to get people to like him. I'm calling it right now: Within 5 years we will be able to purchase Odell to be sticker bitch at the EFFL Draft.

And, he continued the celebration, going by teammates trying to high five him and going over to the kicking net and proposing to it. The joke ended weeks ago when you lost a fight, bro. He's the least likable player in the entire league by a wide margin. As a neutral fan, I like guys like Julio, Jordy, Hopkins, etc. I have respect for the studs. I really, truly believe that nobody outside of the wack Giants fan base likes this guy in any capacity.

Here's a sample:


Not even one of those, "oh if he was on my team, I'd like him". If he was on my team, I'd be embarrassed. He picked up yet another 15 yard unsportsmanlike penalty as well. And of course, of course, Fusco is blowing up my phone following this Giants game, knowing I'm absolutely steaming. Finally, I fucking obliged him and picked up only to hear giggling and "how awesome was that game". Total shocker. He also told me he gave the Ravens fan a fucking headlock following the winning TD, a little Hiyadoin. Absolutely insufferable.

I'm literally still steaming. I'm so fed up, I'm done with Drake, mostly because of this:


I'm done, man. Gone are the days of spitting fire to Miss Me or Goin' In. I'm done. Controlla came on the radio in the car yesterday and I just got fucking irate. Rap has been soft anyway over the past year. Hot 97 has gone in the shitter since Funk wound up on the wrong end of the Meek/Drake beef, just refusing to take an L. Instead, he plays garbage he thinks is hot. He's lost it. This is his last hit, going double Uranium, son.



In fact, I'm making it a point right here. I'm done with all dudes that like getting their butt hole tickled like these fools. OBJ, fuck outta here. Drake? Done, dawg. Dosh, Gambino? Delete my number. I don't want anything to do with these guys whatsoever!

In fact, there is one, and ONLY one acceptable ass to mouth situation. Thankfully, the Bills had a home game to show you what that is:


That's it, man. Unless you're slugging liquor out of a biddie's crack at a Bills tailgate, don't bring that shit around here. And of course, your weekly table slam:




This is what we needed. Some good ol' red blooded Americans slamming ladies through card tables. How bad do you wanna see that girl's face in the shot video?!?!?

Before we get into the status of the EFFL, we have to get to the Beef of the Week. Seemingly after my rant on butthole pleasures, you'd think I'd be done.

Beef of the Week: Color Rush Jerseys

Again, this seems like forever ago, but these jerseys are the absolute pits. The announcers commentate, "Sorry in advance if we screw up the names. We cannot read the numbers." Isn't that a problem? The whole purpose of these jerseys, of course, is more sales and revenue for the league. Imagine going up to your boy in his bright orange Broncos jersey "Oh sick Demaryius, bro!" Actually, it's a Von Miller. Are you sure that 58 isn't 88?!?!? I can't even see it.

I haven't seen the sales figures, but I have to assume they're a failure. The colors are hideous, you can't identify the jersey, and people who are color blind are unable to discern one team from another. Remember this one from last year?




This stuff has to go!


EFFL Power Rankings

 We're already through 6 of 13 weeks, which means that it's almost time to start thinking playoffs! Tatz finally got a win and the expense of D-WEEZE. He sent the following text exchange. This is unfiltered, and unedited:

Dosh: Fucking dropped Josh Lambo
Dosh: Matt Bryant better go off
Dosh: Terrible!!!
Dosh: Josh Lambo again!
Dosh: Right after I drop him
Dosh: Josh Lambo, fourth fucking field goal
Dosh: Are you shitting me!!!
Dosh: Fuck me
Dosh: If Tatz ends up winning this goddamn matchup
Dosh: Terrible
Dosh: Fucking outrageous.
Dosh: I'm worried that Tatz is beating me right now
Dosh: He should never have a semblance of hope. Lol
Dosh: Fuck this shit
Dosh: Melvin Gordon 94 fucking yards with no TD
Dosh: Seriously. His best rushing yardage total of the season yet worst point total
Dosh: Worth a fucking dick!!!
Dosh: Donkey dick!
Dosh: Wow, that's amazing that Gordon records his highest carry total this season yet scores the lowest output (first time in single digits). I'll repeat: fucking donkey dick!!! Lol
Dosh: My team is the most inconsistent, shitty team in the league.
Dosh: Losing to both Matt and Tatz is unacceptable.
Dosh: And Russell Wilson is one of the worst fucking starting QBs in the league... Can't believe he had me fooled this year.
Dosh: Fuck, Fuck, Fuck
Dosh: I wouldn't be mad if you ranked me dead last
Dosh: Started off highest scoring through 3 weeks and have tanked 3 straight
Dosh: 2 to the shittiest of teams
Dosh: Unbelievable

THIS IS FANTASY FOOTBALL!!!! The EFFL is ready to take the next step hahaha. What an unbelievable rant, rivaling some of the greatest in league history.

14. Geno 911 (2-4) - Last week: 14. Another week and another loss. Things are not going well. Actually had a respectable showing, but it didn't matter. Look at some of these guys you're starting: Richard Rodgers, Mike Wallace, Eddie Royal?!?!? How does this happen year after year?

13. Pork Chop Express (2-4) - Last week: 11. Got a win, but scored 87 points. Lucky SOB. Funny thing is that your Cowboys rookies are really the only thing you've got. I don't even know who DeAndre Washington is, but you started him. Perhaps you can swap him out for Dwayne Washington next week. FYI, the only D. Washington worth shit is Denzel.

12. The King's Crusaders (2-4) - Last week: 9. It's not looking good. Again, Mike McCarthy is fed up with Eddie Lacy because he's fat. It doesn't matter that he's good, but he's fat. Awful ironic coming from Ol' Mike. I'm starting to get concerned about this squad. I think you could be in some trouble.

11. Team Bartholomew (1-5) - Last week: 13. AYYYYY!!! You beat Dosh! That's awesome. I still think this team has a lot of talent. Dez, Cobb, Emmanuel Sanders, Cam, Jimmy Graham is a good squad. With Foster on the way back, I think you're in for some higher scoring weeks. Hopefully it's not too late for you. Regardless, you inspired that Dosh rant, so keep it up.

10. The Old Ball Sack (2-4) - Last week: 12. I wouldn't bank on a Coby Fleener Rushing TD or Cameron Meredith double digit catches on a weekly basis, but it was a nice week.We'll see what happens with Jay Ajayi, but he had a sick game. Ruined my fucking parlay. I hope he blows a knee piece.

9. ROLL THE DICE (3-3) - Last week: 5. I think you're closer to the top than the bottom, but it has not been an encouraging couple weeks. You know it. The league knows it. Teams are smelling blood in the water. Maybe the RBs are a bigger problem than we thought.

8. Bo$$town Cutter (2-4) - Last week: 10. Brady, Bell, and Cooks is one of the best cores in the league. If you had some other pieces, I think I'd have you ranked much higher. Need to find some gems on the waiver wire. Not out of it by any means.

7. Harambe Was Set Up (5-1) - Last week: 7. Still putting wins on the board. I tend to lean more towards the balanced teams than 2 guys having big games. But a win is a win, and your record has you in great shape for the playoffs right now.

6. A Lot O'Tatz (3-2-1) - Last week: 8. Back on the right track! I can't believe this text exchange:

Cro: Do you want Gillislee before McCoy goes down? Pylons signing of backup RB is kiss of death for the starter.
Cro: I've already knocked out Peterson and Langford.
EEB: Lol I swear if that happens
EEB: I'll give you Tamme
Cro: He should be on the waiver wire.

A day later, Tamme is cut.

Cut to Sunday, 2:19 PM. McCoy catches a pass over the middle, goes to pivot and gets tackled, and BOOM! A defender falls right on his knee and McCoy goes down writhing in pain holding his knee.

Cro: There it is. McCoy ACL.
EEB: I don't believe it.
EEB: You are an awful human being.
Cro: That looks brutal.
EEB: David Johnson will break his leg.
EEB: There. Fuck you.
Cro: You can't just say somebody will break their leg as revenge lol.
EEB: On national television for the world to see.

He was OK. I didn't want him to actually get hurt.

5. Stanky Monkeys (4-2) - Last week: 4. Kenny Britt arguably being your best player is not a good thing. A lot of underachievers here, and Big Ben just went down. It's gonna be a rough couple of weeks. Still a lot of talent, but could go either way at this point. We'll see.

4. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-4) - Last week: 6. I told you. More Bills is better. I like your squad. I'm back on board. Even without Jordan Reed and Big Dick Decker you're still putting up points. Gotta keep the momentum going.

3. Tweeting in the Trenches (4-1-1) - Last week: 3. I really think this might be generous. But you keep winning, and there's something to be said for that. Have completely avoided injuries to date, which goes a long way. Would be a shock to see you miss the playoffs, but I'm hoping we meet again. I need revenge.

2. Team BG (4-2) - Last week: 2. Receiving corps is on fire. I am a bit concerned about the QB situation, but I think you're solid across the board. Could easily go back and forth with DP for top two in the league.

1. Dueling Pylons (5-1) - Last week: 1. Bad week pretty much across the board and still did OK thanks to super stud David Johnson. On any week, could have the top RB, WR, K and D/ST. That's a big advantage. Need to fill the other pieces to be a championship contender, but 5-1 is an awfully good start.


Week 7 Matchups

 DP v. Harambe - A matchup for first place
Cutty v. BG - Can Cutty get things turned around?
TPG v. Lobitz - Both teams need a win pretty badly.
Tatz v. A Lot O'Tatz - Turning point for Tatz. Can he build on that beating of Dosh?
The Meineke Car Care BH Tickle Bowl: Gambino v. Dosh
Mike Y v. Lou - No idea what to expect here.
King v. TITTY - Fusco can put King on notice. Fun one.
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Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Shampoo My Crotch, Andy Reid



This blog can basically write itself. Instead of having my beef with Andy, I'ma let him off the hook. Let me set the scene for you. The Steelers are up 43-7 on the Chiefs. Andy refuses to take a knee and end the game. They get first and goal at the two minute warning. Andy runs on first down and gets down to the 5. The Chiefs then go no huddle and run up to the line and run another running play for 2 yards. Then they huddle up and run another running play for no gain to get to 4th down. Then Andy realizes "Oh shit, because we went no huddle randomly on 2nd down I can't run out the clock". He's forced to take a timeout with 8 seconds left on the clock.

I know it's coming. Everyone in the EFFL knew it was coming. On 4th down, with 4 seconds left in a 43-7 game, starter Alex Smith finds starter Travis Kelce for a TD. Against me.

Yes, this unbelievably garbage time TD cost me a win. Yes, between the start of the Sunday night game and the end of the Monday night game, the Stanky Monkeys DROPPED 8 TOUCHDOWNS ON ME!!!!!!! 8 TOUCHDOWNS!!! And a 2 point conversion!! Between the Sunday and Monday night games alone. It was absolutely ridiculous. The final nail in the coffin was an Orleans Darkwa TD. Might as well just go fuck myself. The only way this could have been worse was if the Chiefs-Steelers was on a Monday night. I would've been in the market for new electronics. Heated doesn't even begin to describe it. This was one of the worst fantasy football losses I can remember.

But that's the EFFL. You think DP is good, then you're getting rammed from both ends and you're in a place you never thought you'd be. Poor EEB is in the path.

One of my favorite developing stories, which I will continue to bring you, is Angry Poo. AKA Matt Staffy-Poo.




The guy is enraged and yelling at people every single week. It's phenomenal. Way better than Odell continuing to whine like a bitch. He already earned his beef of the week.

And how bout Julio! 300 yards receiving! What a mistake by Carolina letting Josh Norman go. They went from one of the best to a total laughing stock. That was one of the best individual performances I've ever seen.


Beef of the Week: Intentional Grounding

I really just don't understand how this rule works. I get when you're out of the pocket. The rules are clear. Get the ball past the line of scrimmage or it's grounding. Fine..

Next, when a QB is in the pocket and he throws the ball with a receiver in the area, it's not grounding. Fine. I get it.

What I don't get is when a QB is in the pocket, he fires the ball way out of bounds to throw it away before a defender gets to him, and it's not grounding. Sometimes a QB throws the ball out of the back of the end zone and it is grounding. It's completely up to the discretion of the 14 referees on the field, and that's always bad news. They're forced to make a judgment call on how close a defensive player is to the QB. They need to make a rule cut and dry or just eliminate it entirely. It's infuriating to have such a confusing rule.


POWER RANKINGS

 I don't wanna hear any more boo hoos about how ESPN rates your team this or that. They don't know shit. You have point projections, "expert" rankings, and Insider recommendations on the site and they all conflict with each other. If you're dumb enough to put any stock in it, I don't know what to tell you.

14. The Old Ball Sack (0-4) - Last week: 14. Pretty much rooted to the basement at this point. Another week and another blowout. Allowing the most points and scoring almost the lowest is not a recipe for success.

13. Geno 911 (1-3) - Last week: 13. I guess the rankings aren't that bad if teams aren't moving. Through 4 weeks is the lowest scoring team. Shots of Jamo! Let's do more shots! It works for you! But a win's a win. Way to get off the goose.

12. Bo$$town Cutter (2-2) - Last week: 12. Winning 89-83 is embarrassing. But just like Brady, the hope was to go 2-2. You got through 4 weeks and now have Brady and Bell ready to go. I think you move up soon.

11. Team Bartholomew (0-4) - Last week: 10. Injuries really starting to pile up, which is unfortunate. Cam's concussed, Dez missed action, Foster is still out, Woodhead gone for the year, Ertz has already missed time. Still a lot of talent, but the guys need to get on the field for you to get back into it.

10. Pork Chop Express (1-3) - Last week: 8. Julio almost beat you alone. You're starting Dwayne Washington and Tajae Sharpe. I bet a bunch of people in the league don't know who either of those guys are. Still think you're around the middle of the pack because of your terrible depth.

9. The King's Crusaders (2-2) - Last week: 7. Left Matt Ryan and his 500 yards on the bench and it cost you the win. Very un-King like. But your two best players were on a bye and you're 2-2. Again potential to move up.

8. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-3) - Last week: 9. Glad to see TPG with a rousing performance all over Dosh. He was irate.over Robert Woods like he hasn't started him many times before. Started 2 Bills and look what happened...

7. Harambe Was Set Up (3-1) - Last week: 11. I'm seriously shocked you're 3-1. I feel like your team is very volatile. It seems like double Raiders isn't as strong this year. One always seems to do poorly. We'll see. I'm not sold yet.

6. ROLL THE DICE (3-1) - Last week: 4. I was in. Now I'm a bit out. I'm really shocked with Melvin Gordon, but I'm thinking more and more that your big weeks are less likely. Jury is still out for me.

5. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-0-1) - Last week: 6. Only undefeated team. 5th in points. Shocking. Carson Palmer is awful. DeMarcus Murray is the #1 RB. You started Hunter Henry (WHO?!?!) and he scored 16 points. This is the bizarro world.

4. A Lot O'Tatz (2-1-1) - Last week: 1. Finally moved out of the top spot. And I think even this may be a bit generous. Edelman has been awful (he'll go off on me), Riddick has cooled significantly (he'll go off on me), and I'm a bit concerned. I'd be shocked if you weren't also.

3. Stanky Monkeys (3-1) - Last week: 5. I considered not ranking you. It was truly end to end agony. 33 points from AJ Green on Thursday night and an Orleans Darkwa TD 4 days later to finish me. Ugh.

2. Dueling Pylons (3-1) - Last week: 3. Came so close to 4-0, but it wasn't to be. Even still, this team is for real. Scoring a ton even without Sammy Watkins and Corey Coleman. They could contribute later in the season. Also, I promised Rachael a puppy if I win the title.

1. Team BG (3-1) - Last week: 2. Well deserved in the top spot. Top scoring team with no signs of slowing down. Derek Carr is hot, and Julio is a monster. Don't be concerned about missing the playoffs.


It was a fun and brutal week 4. Here are your week 5 matchups.

DP v. EEB
Cutty v. D-Sheetz
TPG v. King
Gambino v. BG (OH NO!)
Tatz v. Lou
Phil v. Lobitz
Fusco v. D-WEEZE
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