What Do You Mean?

Johnny Football!! I've been clamoring for him all season and it finally happened.



Pew! Pew! Pew! Let him play! "Here's a guy that's done nothing, and all we do is show him on TV". - Terry Bradshaw. Fuck outta here TB. I want ENTERTAINMENT.

This is the best thing I've ever seen. Like ever. That's how you celebrate! Players should continue this trend until the league realizes how ridiculous of a penalty excessive celebration is. Bring back the balls as props, group celebrations, everything. It makes the game so so so much more exciting.

We're down to the final 4, and I'm sorry guys, it's bad news. We already knew the much maligned Mile Y was a semifinalist, but it has gotten much worse. 3 time defending champ Christian Fusco (pronounced FOOS-co) is still alive. Chris Woody is also still alive. These are the people that are going to be taking your money. But there is some hope. The rest of the league can hitch our wagon to Eric Brooking. He's our only out at this point. One of these four "gentlemen" will take home the EFFL crown, a massive pot of money, and decide the location of the 2016 EFFL draft.

Yes, all the good guys lost in round 1. Phil took home the points crown in the regular season, but his team clearly lost steam as the season wore on. Stanky Monkeys were never able to recover from the Edelman injury. Just didn't have the hits on the waiver wire that other teams did. And Lobitz, whose fantasy season ended in every league he's in, was done in by classic hubris. Nothing foreshadows losing quite like insisting you have an amazing team, yet doing nothing to back it up. After I gave him the old "good job, good effort" pep talk following a 71 point effort, I was told to "eat shit". A scorned man who finished out of the money, plus lost side bets to me. That's a tough one. I've been telling you all year how terrible Davante Adams is. His stats back it up. Yet that wasn't enough to keep you from using him in a playoff game.

Beef of the Week: 

Might be pork. Not exactly sure. But that's a full slab at Oklahoma Joe's in Kansas (don't ask me why). This came from a damn gas station and was one of the best meals I've ever had. Full slab w a side of Z Man and a couple Boulevard Wheats.

Poor Chiefs tailgate. Had absolutely nothing on #BillsMafia and it poured its ass off. The weirdest thing I saw was a custom Chargers jersey: Flacco 3. What?!?!? Was Flacco sent to the Chargers and nobody knew? Who pays money for this shit!?!?

This is usually the point in the season where I've had enough of blogging. It's no different this year. But you're all in luck, as being stuck on a flight has left me with no option.

The Old Ball Sack v A Lot O'Tatz

Grudge match here. Two Redskins fans who I'd bet a million dollars will be texting "YOU LIKE THAT?!?!?!?? YOU LIKE THAT!!!!" after every single thing that happens during the games Sunday. Somehow Dosh will get looped into a group text. I do feel some allegiance to EEB as our 4 trades this year mean basically everyone on his roster was on my team at some point. As he's also the least objectionable remaining member, I'm clearly on board for as much Tatz as possible. You know what happens to an old ball sack when it sits idle for a week? Grows cobwebs. I'm expecting Mike Y to lay an egg and bow out! That's one name we cannot have added to the trophy.

Commish's Pick: A Lot O'Tatz

The King's Crusaders v Tweeting in the Trenches

Just seeing this as a semifinal match must drive even the calmest of men insane. "Gotta be fucking kidding me" is also a proper response. This is a rematch of last year's championship game. It ensures that one of these 3 time champs will again be in the finals. Fusco can't win again. His stupid giggle drives me nuts. And he knows it drives me nuts and it makes him giggle even more. I do think this is going to be a pretty good matchup. Both teams have been playing very well of late, and despite my frustration, it's hard to deny that both teams are deserving of reaching this point. I don't wanna hear that Russell Wilson ain't fuckin. He's been hot as shit, and has carried Fusco to this point. Happened last year w Odell. It's bullshit. This streak has to end, and I think it ends here.

Commish's Pick: The King's Crusaders

I can't believe it, but I'm predicting an EEB-Woody final. That would be a hell of a matchup, as that's one of the league's biggest rivalries. One of these 4 teams will hoist the EFFL trophy. Perhaps one of these fathers will have their child yet again break the trophy. Good luck to everyone in the semis.

Next week will be the last blog of the season. Not only does nobody care after the finals, I will be away enjoying spending Christmas in a tropical climate. Wouldn't wanna ruin your trip Mr. Cheapskate. Who wants to spend Christmas in a tropical climate anyway?!?!

Color Money

We have our field of 7 teams. It went as predicted, but it wasn’t until late Sunday night that 3-time defending chump Chris Cusco punched his ticket to the EFFL playoffs. Tatz made a push, and Dosh never threatened, but this is still a disappointing result. Cusco was led to victory by Russell Wilson. 

While he refuses to give the D to Ciara, he had no problem repeatedly inserting into an unsuspecting BG. This D was also given to me, as I was knocked out as a result. I don’t know what this says about the guy.

Before we get into some of the previews, I’d like to direct your attention, yet again, to #BillsMafia. They’ve completely outdone themselves this week, and not coincidentally, the team did work on the field. I’ll just direct your attention to this link here, which recaps the complete debauchery that took place in the Ralph Wilson parking lot.

http://www.barstoolsports.com/chicago/monday-morning-bills-mafia-rewind/

There’s a woman dropping trou in a urinal, Santa Claus being choke slammed, and I couldn’t tell from the brief video, but that looked like Kyle Orton working over Sammy Watkins pretty good. Just remarkable. Best comment in regards to the video I’ve seen: “You can tell he’s a Bills fan by how comfortable he is working from behind.”

I’m giving a lot of thought to moving my Bachelor Party to Buffalo. I know it seems ridiculous, but nothing says enjoy marriage better than having one of your boys suplex you through a table.

Beef of the Week: Tom Coughlin

I feel like this clown has been in this spot before, but he’s fully deserving yet again after blowing a “home” game against the Jets. Honestly, being in a bar in NYC during Jets-Giants is the absolute worst. Both fan bases are so delusional, and literally nobody outside of NY cares about the game AT ALL.

But here was Coughlin, up 10 in the fourth quarter, facing a 4^th and 2 from the Jets 8 yard line. And this clown goes for it! How do you do that?!?!? The drive took 11 minutes and they got nothing out of it. The Giants could have gone up 2 TDs on the Jets, but Coughlin instead decided to go for it and fail. Of course he’s then shown with the same dumb look on his face he always has. It’s the “I obviously made the right call, why didn’t that work?” look. Just utter confusion. Time to pack it in old man. The Jets went on to win in Overtime, after lackluster kicker Josh Brown missed a field goal to extend the game.

Coaching stupidity of this level should not be tolerated. Not only was the wrong call made, he insisted after the game that it was the right call. That’s the problem. Failing to admit your mistakes is one of the worst things you can do as a person. I hate the Giants, but at this point, I’m glad they have a clueless guy at the helm. It can only help other teams.

So here are our Playoff matchups. Please be aware that if you are eliminated from the playoffs, you cannot make further roster moves. Just don’t try it.

#1 The Old Ball Sack – Mike Young will be chilling during Week 14 while the rest of the league fights it out. He cannot play Lou or Phil. He will play the lowest remaining seed. Just have to hope that nobody gets injured.

#2 Stanky Monkeys v. #7 A Lot O’Tatz – EEB lost and Fusco won. Fusco also finished with more points, so EEB falls to 7^th to take on Lou. Neither team can be all that enthused about their Week 13 performance. Particularly EEB, who lost to nemesis Woody and fell two spots. If EEB wins, he gets Mike Y, which is surely enticing. If Lou wins, he’ll play the next highest remaining seed. At this point, I’m not all that confident in A Lot O’Tatz. The team has reached 125 points just once this season. I think this is going to be a close one, given each team’s stature right now, but I think with Forte back, I’m leaning Stanky Monkeys in a nail biter.

Commish’s Pick: Stanky Monkeys

#3 Cecil Had It Coming v. #6 Tweeting in the Trenches – This is a big ask for a first timer. Take down the 3-time defending champ to extend your season. And the team that comes in at #6 has been the much hotter team of late. TITTY has piled up 284 points in the past two weeks. Cecil did finally turn it around in Week 13, so perhaps he’s turned a corner. This is going to be a very interesting one. These teams met just two weeks ago with dominant performances from Russell Wilson yet again. I’m a little skeptical here, and I’m obviously rooting for Phil. This is a tough one to call.

Commish’s Pick: Cecil Had It Coming

#4 Pork Chop Express v. #5 The King’s Crusaders – The playoffs this year leave very few “palatable” teams. Aka, I want both of these teams to lose. Woody went 8 weeks straight without scoring more than 112 points, but he’s in the playoffs on the heels of a 4 game winning streak. I’m glad we finally saw something from Pork Chop Express this week. He’s been coasting for a while after starting 5-2. But the Running Backs are REALLY struggling. DeMarcus Murray has been relegated. Jameer Abdullah can’t get on the field. And Danny “White Guy” Woodhead has been pretty bad for the past couple of weeks. I don’t think either team really has a huge advantage, but it will be interesting to see how the trade of Palmer/Tron for Rodgers/Kelce comes into play here. According to a trade proposal, Lobitz quipped: “Rodgers and Kelce for Palmer and Calvin. I know you will say no and it makes me happy cuz I really don’t want to do it anyway”.

Commish’s Pick: The King’s Crusaders

So that’s my final four. Mike Y, Lou, Phil, Woody. You take your pick who you want to win, but if that happens, it’s a guarantee that one of Mike Y and Woody is in the final. That would be terrible.

Good luck to the 7 still in contention. Remember, the winner gets to determine in what city the 2016 EFFL Draft is held. Buffalo is an option.

Bring that Ace by the case

Diamonds, diamonds, diamonds, diamonds on me dancinnnn. Before we get into football, I'm just letting you all know that I've claimed Monmouth as my March Madness team. Their bench mob is the greatest thing in college basketball for a long time, and that's MY SQUAD! When they're dancing (literally and figuratively), just remember I told you so. They've already knocked off USC, Notre Dame, and UCLA. Back to football.

I thought Week 12 was fantastic. Exciting football for a change. No Eagles!! They stuck all the bad teams together like Titans/Raiders and Bucs/Colts. Lots of scoring. Snow games. Rain games. Had everything you could ask for.

The Thanksgiving games seem so long ago, but they featured some of the worst football I’ve seen in recent memory. The Eagles got blown out by the hapless Lions, and Tony Romo was injured again. But food, beer, and football are always a great combo.

T.Y brought this noise

At this point, the EFFL has gotten to be way more exciting than the actual NFL, and I’ll get into that shortly. But first, the beef.

Beef of the Week: Scott Hanson

Or should I call him Seth Hanson. Or Scott Frandsen. It really doesn’t matter what you call a person, whether it’s their real name or not. That’s apparently the approach he’s taken. Look, I’m the first person to think it’s hilarious to refer to someone in jest with the wrong name. Like EEB taking Colby Lattimore. Or kicker Kai Horvath. It humors me to no end. But when you’re getting paid to sit by yourself in a studio and work for 6 hours a week, it’s inexcusable to compliment the running of Gino Bernard. My favorite is when it’s the recommendation of players to pick up that most people have heard of, but he thinks nobody ever has. He never has a clue how to pronounce the players’ names. It’s embarrassing. I wonder if his employer cares.

He also has no understanding of the rules or time. The Chiefs took over with 2:20 left yesterday. The Bills had one timeout to use. He advised that the Chiefs would be going into “victory formation”. Really? Teams take a knee three times and then punt the ball with a minute and a half left? After apparently getting abused by the producer, he offered a “we’re gonna check the math on that one”. It’s not that difficult! The play clock is 40 seconds. The guy has been flat out brutal this year, and I for one wouldn’t mind seeing him replaced.

On to the EFFL! When the dust cleared, much took shape in Week 12. A few more teams punched their playoff tickets, and one unfortunate Bostoner was eliminated, lost his boy Gronk, and watched Brady blow a 14 point 4^th quarter lead. Sunday was not so easy.

Here’s where we stand:

#1. The Old Ball Sack (10-2) – A remarkably impressive record from Mike Y, as he held on to beat Tatz and locks up the first round bye. He told me his son was giving him shit for using Jamison Crowder over literally anyone else. I imagine the conversation went something like this: “Russ, I’m in first place in the standings and in points. That’s minimum $250! You’re gonna get that drone for Christmas.” Hours later, when Crowder does absolutely nothing, he comes up and punches Mike in the dick. “Why would you start someone on the Redskins?!?!? Don’t be a homer!!” It all worked out for everyone except Russ, who will now get nothing due to insubordination.

#2. Stanky Monkeys (9-3) – Locked in as the #2 seed and will get the winner of the wild card fiasco TBD. Was in play for the bye until this week’s loss, and because Mike Y has the tiebreaker over you, you cannot pass him. It’s a tough break, but the guy doesn’t lose. That Edelman injury was so huge. We’ll see what happens.

#3. Cecil Had It Coming (8-4) – Yet another team which has locked in their seed, as CHIC will be the #3. Beat Woody and Ben, so this is a lock. This team has been ice cold, and going into the playoffs on a huge losing streak is not what anyone wants. You need to end that streak! Please! Anyway, your opponent will either be EEB, Woody, or Fusco.  They’re 3 of the most loathsome franchises in EFFL history.

#4. Pork Chop Express (7-5) – Don’t feel bad. I lost to Dosh too. Due to EEB playing Woody in the final week, it’s a mathematical certainty that you are going to play the winner of that game in the 4-5 matchup (or Woody if they tie). Prepare accordingly. Despite crying like a baby all day Sunday, you’re officially in.

#5. The King’s Crusaders (7-5) – Also locked in to the playoffs following an impressive run of 3 straight victories. You’ll play Ben if you beat or tie EEB or Phil if you lose to him. The streak continues, as King has still never missed the EFFL playoffs in 11 seasons. Your team is not bad by any stretch, but you must feel a little bit lucky having entered the week just 11^th in points and on par with Geno 911 and TPG. That damn Woody luck.

#6. A Lot O’Tatz (6-5-1) – You’re in. There still exists a scenario by which you can miss the playoffs, but you’re in.

I also want to make an addition to the rulebook in future years for a unique scenario which I never even thought possible. There will obviously be no change this year, but there is room for interpretation which will be addressed in the offseason.

Section 6.B.ii. of the EFFL Rulebook deals with tiebreakers of more than two teams. Item 1 states “If one team has head-to-head advantage over all other teams, rank team first.” What that should say is that a tiebreak matrix is created FIRST, so that when comparing two teams, it is evident who is ahead. Then proceed with the tiebreak. However, as the rule is written, should EEB, Fusco, and Dosh all end up 6-6-1, EEB does NOT have the “head-to-head advantage over all other teams”, as he tied Fusco. I never thought 3 teams would have ties and end up equal in the standings, but it could happen.

AS SUCH, should the 3 teams wind up tied, total points are the tiebreaker. Here is the scenario by which this would be a problem.

Both EEB and Fusco have defeated Dosh. If Dosh had the most points scored, under the current rules, he would be ranked highest. In actuality, if Fusco had more points than EEB, he would own the tiebreaker over EEB. Since he owned the tiebreaker over EEB and Dosh, he would be ranked first. Then EEB for owning head-to-head. Then Dosh. The reality is that this won’t come into play, as Dosh has to make up about 150 points in Week 13, which has a 0% chance of happening. As such, Dosh is guaranteed to be ranked 3^rd of these 3 if they all end up tied. And as a result, since EEB must be ranked #1 or #2 if he loses in Week 13, he’s in. Got all that?

Can finish anywhere from #4 to #7. Your opponent will be one of Stanky Monkeys, Cecil, and the Pork Chop Express.

5 Teams for 1 spot

Although this is not a safe assumption, we’re going to go ahead and assume there are no ties in Week 13. Fusco can sneak up to #6 with a win and EEB loss. All other scenarios result in the 1 team advancing to play the Stanky Monkeys.

Tweeting in the Trenches (5-6-1) – Owns head-to-head tiebreaker over Dosh for real! First in priority, and you play BG in week 13. You’re the only team that controls its own destiny. Win and you’re in. Lose and you’re out. Playoffs start this week baby.

ROLL THE DICE (5-6-1) – I seriously can’t believe you’re in it. Number 2 on the totem pole, and you also have a simple formula to make it. You must beat Phil and have BG beat Fusco. That’s it. Anything else and you’re out.

Team BG (5-7) – Currently in the tank, but you’re not done yet. Obviously must beat Fusco, which enables you to jump him. You also need Dosh to lose to Phil to get into the mix. But we’re not done here. Things then get interesting because you own the head-to-head tiebreaker over Tatz, but have lost to the Pylons (ew). If the Pylons also lose, you’re in no matter what. If the Pylons win, you must hold onto your approximate 40 point lead in total points. Here’s your checklist for Sunday.

• Defeat Fusco
• Dosh loss to Phil
• Pylons loss OR Pylons win, Tatz win, win most points.

Team Bartholomew (5-7) – Win over Mike Y would have been HUGE. I was rooting against you. I’m sorry. Your list looks basically the same as BG, but you’re in a much more difficult position. You have to have him beat Fusco to get past Fusco. But since you don’t own head-to-head tiebreaker, you MUST end up in a 3-team tie and win total points. There’s only one scenario where you get in, and it’s going to be tough. Here’s your checklist.

• Defeat Lobitz
• BG defeats Fusco
• Phil defeats Dosh
• Pylons defeat Gambino
• Make up 38 points on BG and stay ahead of Pylons in points.

Dueling Pylons (5-7) – Had a HUGE week 12 to stay alive. More importantly, now own tiebreaker over BG. List looks remarkably similar to Tatz, but have a few more outs. Pylons were very far behind in points, but got a very large chunk of that difference back in Week 12. The teams ahead are within striking distance. Sunday checklist:

• Defeat Gambino
• BG defeats Fusco
• Phil defeats Dosh
• Tatz loss to Lobitz OR Tatz win and win most points.

So that’s it. Only one of these 5 teams will make it in, and all of my incoherent rambling gets rendered useless if Fusco beats BG. Your playoffs look like this:

#1 The Old Ball Sack
#2 Stanky Monkeys v. #7 A Lot O’Tatz/TITTY/ROLL THE DICE/Bartholomew/DP/BG
#3 Cecil Had it Coming v. #6 King/TITTY/Lot O’Tatz
#4/5 Pork Chop Express v. #4/5 King/Lot O’Tatz

Also, Mike Y will play the lowest seed remaining in Week 15. The other two teams will play each other. Sorry for the 3 teams that have nothing to play for. But I guarantee Gambino is salivating at the thought of knocking me out of the playoffs.

Will be floating around the city Sunday looking to yell at people. Feel free to join. Good luck to everyone in Week 13.

Too Fresh, Too Clean

Cam Newton is just killing it. Fashion sense. On the field. There's nothing he can't do. He's certainly the most entertaining player in football right now. Which is great, because football has been rough. I was fully prepared to be blacked out before the turkey even hit the table Thursday. I planned on pulling a Garth with the electric carver and remembering none of it.

But now the Eagles fucking suck (they've always sucked). Back to back Sanchizes at home against the Dolphins and Bucs is one of the most embarrassing things I've seen in awhile. And now I don't even care. It's even more embarrassing than this guy, who put his first name on a jersey.

Also, James Jones wore a hoodie, and noted it's "Cali Swag".

Sad news: The Jaguars finally had a home game. But even worse, it appears that @JagsPoolBooty has gone missing. This was really the only reason for the Jaguars to have a home game. Instead, they came out in puke colored jerseys and made me question my life and why I started 3 Jaguars in fantasy. It was terrible.

And my apologies for delay in getting this blog out. There were no fewer than 5 EFFL games up in the air Monday night. And two games were directly impacted by the awful officiating. It's close to my beef of the week. But it's time to TURN UP. It's holiday season and most of our real life teams suck ASS. Time to refocus.


Beef of the Week: Cowboys-Dolphins game

I'm not sure exactly what was going on. I was simply watching on RedZone. But for some reason, in this day and age, this game had exactly one camera fixed at the 50 yard line. That's it. Cowboys got into the actual Red Zone, and the whole picture was diagonal. Why?!?!? Is it that hard to have a camera at another location than midfield? Does nobody care about the Dolphins? It's entirely possible, but it was absolute brutal viewing. You could see the entire routes the top 2 guys on the field ran and absolutely nothing on the near side. Maybe they just figured nobody was watching the game.


EFFL Playoffs

* 1. The Old Ball Sack (9-2) - Holds head-to-head tiebreak over the Stanky Monkeys. Could lock up a first round bye with a win and Stanky Monkeys and Cecil loss. Also took over the points lead. Mike Y is staring at a big chunk of money right now. Will be no worse than #4.

* 2. Stanky Monkeys (9-2) - Keeps rolling. That's 4 in a row, and certainly in play for the bye. Two winnable matchups in the final 2. Would be something if this team finished 11-2 and didn't get the #1 seed. Can also do no worse than 4th.

* 3. Cecil Had It Coming (8-3) - Uh oh. Not only has Cecil relinquished the #1 seed, but the points lead is gone as well. Scores of 71 and 61 the past two weeks. That's alarming after the start this team had. I think they'll get it turned around. Own tiebreaker over everyone but Stanky Monkeys. Mathematically can finish no worse than 4th.

4. Pork Chop Express (7-4) - Still not officially locked into the playoffs. There is a scenario by which PCE could miss the playoffs. But win and in. Or a loss by BG, EEB, or Tatz and you're in. Looking pretty good at this point.

5. The King's Crusaders (6-5) - In the famous words of Drizzy Drake, "I done hit the stride got my shit goin. In the 6 cookin' with the wrist motion".

Winners of 4 of 5. Looking to be asserting themselves as playoff-level. One win and one Tatz/EEB/BG loss and you're in. Or just beat EEB in Week 13.

6. A Lot O'Tatz (5-5-1) - Won with 88 points. Sometimes shit just has to go your way. A bunch of teams are hot on your heels, but you control your own destiny. Two wins and in. Likely need to win at least 1. 6-6-1 may be good enough. How mad will you be if King knocks you out?

7. Team BG (5-6) - Don't even know what to say man. Losses of 5, 5, and 1. #InadvertentWhistle cost you the win. You're lucky you went to sleep. But you'd be in if it started today. Huge matchup to knock out DP followed by 3-time defending champ TITTY. Win 2 and you're in. Win 1 and it'll be close.

8. Team Bartholomew (5-6) - Knocked off Gambino to knock his ass out. But a REAL tough final two against Mike Y and Lobitz. They're clearly two of the best teams. And given that BG has the tiebreak over you, I'm not so sure that 1 of 2 will be enough. Gonna be tough I think.

9. Tweeting in the Trenches (4-6-1) - Still in it. Got a slumping Phil and BG in the final two weeks. You MUST beat BG to get in or hope EEB loses two and pass him in points. Like Tatz, tough but doable. At the precipice.

10. ROLL THE DICE (4-6-1) - The second beneficiary of #InadvertentWhistle. Didn't deserve a tie, but let's see if that holds up on Thursday. Still in it for now. Also have Lobitz and Phil the final two weeks, so not only need to make up games, need to do it against the league's best and get help. Really far back in points too.

11. Dueling Pylons (4-7) - Out of chances. Must beat BG to even stay alive. Then must take down Gambino to get to 6-7 and get some serious help. With all the ties, only likely to end up in a tie with Tatz and BG. A 3 way tie would send it to points. BG is way ahead. Not looking good.

12. Bo$$town Cutter (3-7-1) - Needed one more point from Tommy Brady. Mathematically still alive, but need to end up in a 3 or 4 way tie with EEB and Fusco. Lots of things need to go your way and a very tough matchup in Week 13 with Stanky Monkeys. Beat EEB. Please.

x - 13. Geno 911 (3-8) - Officially eliminated. Due to Fusco playing BG, one of them must be ahead of you, which means can't get higher than 8th. This was destined to happen. Hasn't won a game since Week 5.

x - 14. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-8) - We'll change the 1 PM rule. I promise.


We could have 7 teams fighting for 2 spots in Week 13 depending upon results. Hope everyone has an enjoyable Thanksgiving and doesn't remember anything after 5 PM.

Who Dey House

That's actually not a question. I want tiger stripes on my house. That's sick. I'm gonna get through this blog as quick as possible. It's late.

@MartysaurusRex dropping the hammer on the #Rams #Bears pic.twitter.com/YT1m3QPeBO

— Shayne L. Marsaw (@wasram) November 15, 2015

Drew Stanton's like that Little League third base coach who gets way too hyped pic.twitter.com/lHpEGZIYQT

— Anthony Slater (@anthonyVslater) November 16, 2015

Greatest thing I've ever seen!

#camnewton deserved this victory dance pic.twitter.com/i1qmPo9ROz

— BallerAlert (@balleralert) November 16, 2015

I think it's impossible NOT to like Cam Newton. He's cool. (It is OK to not like the hour-long end zone dance) pic.twitter.com/L5j0H4W3FU

— Jason McIntyre (@jasonrmcintyre) November 16, 2015

DABB ON EM!!! How is Clemson #1? Pretty wild. Sadly we've seen the end of Peyton Manning. Guy set the NFL record for passing yards and got his ass benched in the same game. He put up -7 fantasy points in the EFFL on Sunday. Possibly the worst effort in league history.

I have some pre-beef before we get into the main part of the meat. The NFL admitted the referees made a mistake in the Ravens-Jaguars game. That mistake directly cost the Ravens the game. Why can't the league go back and make it right? There should have been an obvious penalty called to end the game. The officiating error directly changed the outcome of the game. You should be able to rectify that.

Beef of the Week: Mystery Meat

I actually don't know who the beef is with. It was more a scenario that I have the beef with. I've consistently had beef with Bruce Arians absolute refusal to play rookies based solely on the fact that they're rookies. He'll play a guy who's worse strictly because it's not his first year in the league. Well last night, Al Michaels is going on about the running back situation in Arizona and why they brought in Chris Johnson.

"Ellington was hurt. They drafted David Johnson, and you don't want a rookie as your ace..." WHAT?!?!?! Al PLEASE. Is he spewing this garbage? Is he being forced to say something by that lunatic Arians. Chris Johnson got fucking SHOT over the summer. What did you do in the offseason?!? Just a casual drive-by. But much more worthy of starting than David Johnson, because Chris Johnson isn't a rookie. It's infuriating. That stubbornness is going to hold the team back at some point. Book it.

But the biggest loser of the week was first place team Phil Imbesi. I was alerted Sunday afternoon that he was the sole survivor (if you lookin' for me I'll be on the block) in his Survivor pool.

All he needed was the Bengals to beat the Texans to take home $1,500. Otherwise, the pot would be split 5 ways. My advice to him was to bet $500 on the Texans + the points. He let it ride. And the Bengals lost at home to the Texans 10-6. No doubt when he reads this blog, he will not have slept.

On to the playoffs.

LOCK IT UP

* #1. Cecil Had It Coming (8-2) - Saw this coming a mile away. Lost your money. Almost lost your bye. Lead on points scored is dwindling. Gotta get it together and head into the playoffs strong. But due to points tiebreaker still owns the top spot.

* #2. The Old Ball Sack (8-2) - Also punched a playoff ticket after holding on to defeat BG. Own tiebreakers over Stanky Monkeys, but has not defeated Cecil. Get cupcake Dueling Pylons next week. Certainly in play for the bye.

* #3. Stanky Monkeys (8-2) - Having the tiebreaker over Cecil is big. Punched their playoff ticket and just playing for the bye at this point. Can easily wind up atop the standings.

SHE BOUT TO GO IN

#4. Pork Chop Express (7-3) - Unique category reserved for this team. 7-6 should end up being enough, but one more win officially clinches a playoff spot. Not in yet, but bout to go in.

WHY DOES IT FEEL SO GOOD? SO GOOD TO BE BAD

#5. Team BG (5-5) - Still hanging on. Huge matchup with Woody here that can put you a game ahead of everyone else behind you. Awful luck the last two weeks losing by 10 combined points and could easily be 7-3. I'm very much hoping you win that one.

#6. The King's Crusaders (5-5) - Got that win over Tatz. Of course. That's messed up man. I really wish we played each other a different week. But as has been the case year after year, proving a tough out. Looking pretty good despite only being .500.

#7. A Lot O'Tatz (4-5-1) - Yes, that's right, I said it. If the playoffs ended today, EEB would be out of the gutter and in as the last team. I just can't believe that's even possible. Was #13 just two weeks ago. But I've been saying it every week that this thing is gonna go til the end. Can't wait for your showdown with Woody in Week 13.

I WANNA MAKE LOVE IN THIS CLUB

#8. Team Bartholomew (4-6) - "This Club" is the playoffs. Owns tiebreakers over the other terrible 4-6 teams. Missed a huge opportunity against Woody to move up. Must take care of business against Gambino as last two are Mike Y and Lobitz.

#9. ROLL THE DICE (4-6) - Would've lost to the Pylons basically any other week, but that's the way the cookie crumbles. Now owns tiebreaker over a heated rival. Same thing for Tatz applies to you. If you come up short against Cutter, finishing with Ben and Phil is not going to be easy.

#10. Dueling Pylons (4-6) - Like Team Bartholomew, blew a huge opportunity to get in. Even worse, the Pylons have lost to basically everyone around them. Unless they win out, they're going to need a good amount of help. Have to right the ship at some point.

#11. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-6-1) - Still just a game out of the playoffs. But a huge matchup with TPG is probably going to knock the loser out. 3-time defending champ is on the ropes. Can finish .500 at best. Even that might not be enough.

COOL FOR THE SUMMER

Honestly, who doesn't wanna listen to some Demi Lovato? Probably never thought that would appear on the EFFL blog. This group is just about focused on the Summer... of 2016.

#12. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-7) - TPG really needed to take down EEB. Would've been right in the playoff mix, but now 1.5 games back with just 3 to play. Can do 6-7 at best, and that's starting to look a little hairy. TITTY, Gambino and Mike Y is probably the worst final 3 you could have in terms of frustration, not quality.

#13. Bo$$town Cutter (3-7) - Out of the basement!! Gio Bernard saved your season on the final drive to keep you alive for another week. Like TPG, 6-7 is a tough sell, but you never know. Team certainly looks capable of going on a run.

#14. Geno 911 (3-7) - This team was 3-2. Scores of 102, 72, 71, 103 the past 4 weeks. Tatz, TPG and Pylons to finish the season. So if you can't make it, you're certainly in a position to play spoiler. And I know you'd love to spoil any of those teams from making it.

Week 11 Matchups

#1 Cecil Had It Coming (8-2) v. #7 A Lot O'Tatz (4-5-1)

#2 The Old Ball Sack (8-2) v. #10 Dueling Pylons (4-6)

#3 Stanky Monkeys (8-2) v. #4 Pork Chop Express (7-3)

#5 Team BG (5-5) v. #6 The King's Crusaders (5-5)

#8 Team Bartholomew (4-6) v. #14 Geno 911 (3-7)

#9 ROLL THE DICE (4-6) v. #13 Bo$$town Cutter (3-7)

#11 Tweeting in the Trenches (3-6-1) v. #12 Tequila Party Gnomes (3-7)

Best of luck to everyone in Week 11. We're on the verge of getting a couple teams knocked out and a couple more clinching. But hey, it's Week 11 and every single team is still in it. 1.5 games out with 3 to play is not the end of it. 

Week Nine, Feeling So Damn Fine

After a pathetic and injury-ridden Week 8, things started to look up again. Mike Young was spotted at the Pats-Skins game:

@stoolpresidente @FeitsBarstool #NoFilter pic.twitter.com/1kzQAWuhP6

— Joey B (@SouthieAsShit) November 8, 2015

That's right Cutter! Better keep yo bitch on a leash!!

The funniest thing I saw all day was the combination of these two GIFs

Make sure to click play. This is great. Aaron Rodgers slamming a Surface tablet is so damn funny. I've pointed out on the blog previously how Rodgers refuses to show emotion. Well now we know what grinds his gears. Failing to see open receivers. I think this has taken over as my most enjoyable face over ManningFace.

Also, Cam Newton ripped a Packers fan's $500 sign and is threatening legal action.

And #BILLSMAFIA was BACK on Sunday... going ham in and out of the stadium. TyGOD shredded the Dolphins and my fucking parlay. Dosh was YELLING inside a bar. WHERE'S EJ MANUEL?!?!? THIS FOOL TYROD WON'T THROW TO ROBERT WOODS! He was also yelling about Chris Ivory and basically anyone directly or indirectly responsible for his fantasy team's demise.

At one point after a Bryan Walters TD (Who?) I exclaimed "WHO IS THIS WHITE GUY??!?" Probably shouldn't be yelling that in public, but when you have every other Jaguar, shit happens. I also received actual applause from another table for going nuts over Steelers D recovering a fumbleroosky and getting an extra 2 points with no time left on the clock.

But back to the Bills:

BUFFALO BILLS FANS ARE THE DRUNKEST FANS pic.twitter.com/cpRkV8MR65

— Drunk Rex (@ImDrunkRex) November 9, 2015

#BillsMafia always bringin it!! pic.twitter.com/UH7sjPNCRx

— Everything Buffalo (@EverythingBuf) November 8, 2015

Basically just go to Twitter and search #BillsMafia. Just out there killing it.

And I'll leave this here for Tatz, whose team was briefly back, but now is gone again.

A photo posted by snoopdogg (@snoopdogg) on Nov 8, 2015 at 9:39pm PST

*** LEAGUE RULE REMINDER ***

There are a few things I wanted to remind everyone of.

1. Trade Deadline: As always, the trade deadline is before games start in Week 12, which is Thursday November 26th. So you get to enjoy the classic EEB getting plastered the night before Thanksgiving and agreeing to some ridiculous trade with Woody..

2. Keepers: No players added after Week 12 can be kept next year. So if you want to take some guys with potential, it has to be before Thanksgiving.

3. Rosters Locking: Once the playoffs start, any team who is eliminated can no longer make roster moves.


Things got a little more interesting. Phil was running away with this thing, but he's now been struck again by the injury bug. Roethlisberger is out for who knows how long. Dion Lewis is out for the year with a torn ACL. After losing Arian Foster, this has to really hurt. Even his backup QB Teddy B got knocked out cold. But the big dogs kept winning, which means there are a lot of teams still alive.


Beef of the Week: Mike Pettine

I almost forgot about this it was so long ago! What a fucking MORON this guy is. He is going to try everything in his power to keep Manziel off the football field. Guy came out after the game and just smeared shit all over JFF's face. His Browns teammates came out and supported him, but the coach had no interest in helping or promoting his young QB. I don't understand it. Surely the consensus is "He's concerned with keeping his job. He's going with the QB he thinks gives the team the best chance to win." Old, tired adages.

Johnny was a 1st round pick last year. 1st round! You don't think the owner and GM want to at least give him a shot?!? If I'm that pussy Browns owner, I'm walking into Pettine's office and giving him two options: Start Manziel, or pack up your things and GTFO. We'll bring in a guy who starts him. Either way, he's playing.

My message to Mike Pettine is basically the same thing I say to myself every Sunday morning when making lineup decisions: Stop being such a pussy. Your team is fucking terrible no matter who you use.

The Browns have no shot to go anywhere. I have so much beef. Recently, rapidly declining site Deadspin published a piece about how the NFL has no good QBs and the problem is that QBs need to sit and learn instead of being thrown to the wolves. That's such a fallacy it's unbelievable.

Take a look at the best QBs in the league who were drafted highly. How many of them "sat" while some aging veteran plugged along? Not a single one. There are only two good quarterbacks that sat for years: Rodgers and Rivers. That's it. And they were behind Favre and Brees. That's the only reason they sat. The only other guy that didn't play right away is Brady, and it's not like he was a 1st round pick. There's this huge myth that QBs need to sit and develop, and that's just not true at all. Free Johnny.


Playoffs

* 1. Cecil Had It Coming (8-1) - officially clinched playoffs
2. The Old Ball Sack (7-2)
3. Stanky Monkeys (7-2)
4. Pork Chop Express (6-3)

5. Team BG (5-4)
6. Team Bartholomew (4-5) - most points
7. The King's Crusaders (4-5) - beat Pylons

Outside Looking In

8. Dueling Pylons (4-5) - has lost to Tatz and Woody
9. A Lot O'Tatz (3-5-1) - 1001 points
10. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-5-1) - 995 points
11. ROLL THE DICE (3-6) - defeated both TPG and G911
12. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-6) - more points than G911
13. Geno 911 (3-6)
14. Bo$$town Cutter (2-7)


Again, even the team in 13th is just a game out of the playoffs with 4 weeks to go. Things are certainly very, very fluid.

I don't know why I picked Dosh to win, but the rest of my picks were good. Commish is hitting over 70%. Let's see what we've got in Week 10.

#1 Cecil Had It Coming (8-1) v. #3 Stanky Monkeys (7-2)

This is definitely a good one. Cecil is wounded. Dion Lewis is injured. Devonta Freeman is on a bye. Currently, Phil doesn't even have a QB or RB on his roster that's going to play in Week 10. All of the sudden, that team looks beatable. The Stanky Monkeys certainly had a disappointing effort in Week 9, but this could go a long way to locking up a playoff spot for the 2nd straight season after missing out in 3 straight. Phil will be back, but I don't think this is his week.

Commish's Pick: Stanky Monkeys

#2 The Old Ball Sack (7-2) v. #5 Team BG (5-4)

Somebody's gotta put a stop to Mike Y's run and butt cheeks. I think BG is that man for the job. Of course his boy Owen Daniels has his best game of the season right after they trade for Vernon Davis. But right now Brees and Demaryius and Hopkins and Landry are getting the job done. Julio also is on the bye for the ball sack. Guy needs to chill. 80 catches and 1,029 receiving yards. Those are Julio's numbers TODAY. He still plays 7 more games! I'm expecting a high scoring affair, but I think Mike Y's team in week 10 is very reminiscent of said cheeks: very white and exposed.

Commish's Pick: Team BG

#4 Pork Chop Express (6-3) v. #10 Tweeting in the Trenches (3-5-1)

No rest for the weary here. Fusco's final 5 games are against the top 4 and TPG. I think it's safe to say at this point that the 3 time defending champ is on the ropes. Got plastered Saturday night for an LSU blowout and got nidged when Jets kicker Nick Folk hurt himself during pregame warmups. The good news is that having DeAngelo on your roster is huge. The bad is you have absolutely no depth. I still think this could turn out OK, but gotta start winning some games now.

Commish's Pick: Pork Chop Express

#6 Team Bartholomew (4-5) v. #7 The King's Crusaders (4-5)

Talk about a big game here. My goodness. The winner of this game is going to have a huge leg up on clinching a playoff spot. King has made the playoffs in every single EFFL season. And every year there's a chance to knock him out. Nobody has delivered that blow yet. Let's see if Tatz can do it. I actually liked the trade with Ben. It's always good to get players who score more points for players who score less. Plus you get to root for Honolulu Blue and your Thanksgiving is that much better.

Commish's Pick: The King's Crusaders

#8 Dueling Pylons (4-5) v. #11 ROLL THE DICE (3-6)

You may not be aware, but the Pylons are kinda, sneaky hot. Like a 7.6 that you really thought was maybe a 6 but turned out to be pretty good. Since starting 0-3, the Pylons are 4-2 in their last 6. Dosh has cracked 100 points just twice the entire season. I should just turn my phone off Thursday night so I don't have to deal with "WHY ISN'T HE THROWING TO ROBERT WOODS?" "LATAVIUS MURRAY JUST RAN OFF THE FIELD FOR NO GOOD REASON". I'm gonna be sitting there with a lead, done after the 1 PM games, and holding my shorts hoping to fend off Peyton, Peterson and Latavius. Should be interesting.

Commish's Pick: Dueling Pylons

#9 A Lot O'Tatz (3-5-1) v. #12 Tequila Party Gnomes (3-6)

One of my favorite grudge matches here. Ol' Jordan Matthews finally decided to show up. He'll go away next week. Maybe EEB is finally starting to put it together. The bigger issue I see is that probably the 4 best players on the roster all have not had their bye yet. With TPG and then Phil coming up, I think that becomes a big problem. This game becomes that much bigger. TPG isn't in that bad of a spot. EEB, TITTY and Gambino still ahead make 6-7 doable. That could be enough to get in.

Commish's Pick: Tequila Party Gnomes

#13 Geno 911 (3-6) v. #14 Bo$$town Cutter (2-7)

Finally back at full strength, Cutty still can't get over the hump. Believe it or not, I think playoffs are doable. Gambino and Dosh the next two weeks can get to 4-7. Then EEB and Stanky Monkeys, and the way it's looking, 6-7 may get in. Team has been much better, and it's looking like this team can be dangerous down the stretch. I can't say the same for Geno 911, which is by far the worst team in the league. If I still did power rankings, this team would rightfully be dead last. I put playoff odds at 10% after the draft, and that feels a bit generous. Has the easiest schedule of any team down the stretch, yet will probably lose all 4 games. But hey, at least you can keep Romo.

Commish's Pick: Bo$$town Cutter

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Week 8 was awful. It was arguably the worst to date. Here’s how things worked out for everyone this weekend.

Myself: Eagles on bye, entire fantasy team on bye, Reg blew out knee on his first touch, lost parlay.
Matt: Eagles on bye, lost parlay.
Ben: Eagles on bye, Keenan Allen down, probably lost whatever he bet on.
BG: Eagles on bye, JT Barrett busted for DUI.
Lou: Eagles on bye, Steve Smith torn Achilles, Matt Forte knee injury.
Cutter: Lost to TPG. Alone in last place.
Nick: Had no regulars on bye and still barely broke 70 points. Cowboys an embarrassment.
Tatz: Had no regulars on bye and still barely broke 90 points. Cowboys an embarrassment.
Mike Y: Redskins on bye. Fantasy team did respectable.
EEB: Redskins on bye. Opponent’s QB dropped 50 on him.
Phil: Browns an embarrassment. Couldn’t even root against Eagles.
Dosh: Started Brian Hoyer who actually did reasonably well. Still got blown out.
Fusco: Giants scored 49 and lost. Lost Le’Veon Bell for the season.
Woody: Giants scored 49 and lost. Fantasy team looked terrible despite the win.

I guess Mike Y made out the best since his team looked good and his real squad didn’t lose, but half the league had their favorite team on bye. 5 more league members had their favorite team get beat in games they easily could have won. Dosh has no team, but his fantasy team is terrible. Cutter is the only one in the league whose team is actually good, but he’s in dead last in fantasy. Something’s gotta give here.

I haven’t even stumbled across any funny pictures this week. It’s like everyone just determined Week 8 was a lost cause and they weren’t going to even bother.

I’m really upset by this latest wave of injuries. It’s absolutely crippling. Le’Veon, Khiry Robinson, Ricardo Lockette, Reg, and Steve Smith are out for the season. 2 historically favorable players of mine and arguably the #1 overall player. Also down with possible multi-week injuries are Carlos Hyde, Matt Forte, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Keenan Allen, and Kendall Wright. It’s going to be an interesting week on the waiver wire with a lot of players potentially being late season studs.

And you just KNOW Gurley is going to blow out his knee again. It’s just bound to happen. When was the last time the masses as a whole were this excited about a rookie RB? Gotta be Peterson, right? Including his 6 carry effort in his first game back, he’s averaging 115 yards per game. That would be an NFL rookie record. Only Clinton Portis, Barry Sanders, and Adrian Peterson have averaged 80 yards per game and 5.2 yards per carry as a rookie. Please injury gods! Just let us have this!

And I’ve just got to point out this stat. Drew Brees threw 7 TD passes yesterday. Colin Kaepernick has thrown 6 TD passes in 8 games.


Beef of the Week: Justin Tucker

Gotta be kidding me man. You beat the 2-5 Chargers to improve your 1-6 team to 2-6 and you’re out there doing Drake’s “Hotline Bling” dance. No way. Kickers should not be dancing. They should not be tackling. They shouldn’t be doing a lot of things. And your team is 2-6!!!

Pour one out for the homie Steve Smith and represent using one of his classic dances if you’re going to go this route. You’ve got rowing in the canoe, the joust, wiping the baby’s bottom, and many more. Everyone would have loved it if he did the canoe. Would’ve been an absolute legend. Instead, mockery. Did a dance that’s been laughed at and memed to death. Where’s Antonio Brown when you need him?

Things are getting awful tight in the EFFL. There were a number of matchups this week with Top 5 teams playing other, inferior teams. The big boys won every single one of the matchups. Here’s how things look as of today.

Playoffs

1. Cecil Had It Coming (7-1)
2. The Old Ball Sack (6-2)
3. Stanky Monkeys (6-2)
4. Team BG (5-3)
5. Pork Chop Express (5-3)
6. The King’s Crusaders (4-4)
7. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-4-1)

Outside Looking In

8. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-5, 871 points)
9. Team Bartholomew (3-5, 863 points)
10. Geno 911 (3-5, 857 points)
11. Dueling Pylons (3-5, 847 points)
12. ROLL THE DICE (3-5, 752 points)
13. A Lot O’Tatz (2-5-1)
14. Bo$$town Cutter (2-6)

Wonder if Cutter did a dance after moving to 2-6. This has gotten very, very interesting. The top 5 are all 2 games ahead of the outsiders with just 5 to play. King got a huge win over the Pylons, and TITTY found good fortune despite losing his best player. There’s a real chance that the teams in and out of the playoffs are changing on a weekly basis.

Commish picks went 5-2 last week, so I’ll try to keep that gravy train rolling.


#1 Cecil Had It Coming (7-1) v. #6 The King’s Crusaders (4-4)

You see what happens, Larry? You see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass! King jumped ahead of the pack in Week 8 and how is he rewarded? How about a key matchup against the league’s #1 team? Add to that the Chiefs, Seahawks, and Cardinals are on a bye, and King is going to be picking for scraps against a full strength Cecil. I would be absolutely shocked if the King was able to pull this one out. Based on recent child birth, there’s little evidence to support he’s any good at that.

Commish’s Pick: Cecil Had It Coming

#2 The Old Ball Sack (6-2) v. #7 Tweeting in the Trenches (3-4-1)

This is a big one for Fusco. The three-time defending champ has to take on a team that’s arguably hotter than Phil. TITTY also has Russell Wilson on a bye and just lost Le’Veon for the season. But luckily, Chris has DeAngelo sitting on his bench, and can plug him right in. That’s the only consolation. Mike Y is rolling right now, and every Odell point is going to come from Eli. It just looks to me like this is not going to be TITTY’s week. I think Mike Y continues the hot stretch and inches closer to punching a playoff ticket.

Commish’s Pick: The Old Ball Sack

#3 Stanky Monkeys (6-2) v. #4 Team BG (5-3)

Another high profile matchup, but both teams are going to be missing players. Randall Cobb has been really struggling for the Stanky Monkeys, and this team has lost a lot of depth. On the other side, DeAndre Hopkins hits the bye, but I don’t think there’s much cause for concern. Colston and Malcom Floyd had huge weeks, and they can confidently be plugged in. I don’t think things align for the Stanky Monkeys this week.

Commish’s Pick: Team BG

#5 Pork Chop Express (5-3) v. #10 Geno 911 (3-5)

Geno is reeling right now. After starting 3-2, they’ve fallen to 3-5, and each week has bene worse than the last. Now half the team is on a bye in Week 9, and the opponent is one of the league’s top scorers. This is a recipe for disaster. While things aren’t looking up this week, Geno will have an opportunity to put some space between his team and the other competitors. Final 4 are against Cutter, Tatz, TPG, and the Pylons. Just don’t expect anything in Week 9.

Commish’s Pick: Pork Chop Express

#8 Tequila Party Gnomes (3-5) v. #9 Team Bartholomew (3-5)

TPG just got a season saving win v Cutter, and it doesn’t get any easier from here. A showdown with Tatz, followed by EEB, TITTY and Gambino provides an opportunity to crawl back into the playoffs. It’s amazing how TPG went from the bottom all the way to borderline playoffs with just one win. Team Bartholomew is ice cold. Since starting 2-0, the team is just 1-5, with a lone win against Dosh. But you’re catching TPG on a good week. Beast Mode and Larry Fitz are out, which means TPG is going to have to turn to some reserves. This is definitely one of the better matchups in week 9. In a different week, perhaps the pick would be different.

Commish’s Pick: Team Bartholomew

#11 Dueling Pylons (3-5) v. #14 Bo$$town Cutter (2-6)

I think both teams realize how big this game is. Falling to 2-7 at this point basically knocks Cutter out. Conversely, if the Pylons can’t beat the last place team, playoff odds plummet. Cutty looked much better in defeat this week. Even with Gio, Dez, and Martavis combining for just 16 points, he still cracked the 110 point barrier. That’s bad news for me. The Pylons knew Week 8 was a throwaway, but the roster is going to look much stronger coming out of the bye. I actually think this is going to be one of the higher scoring affairs in Week 9 despite the standing of the teams. This is a HUGE game.

Commish’s Pick: Dueling Pylons

#12 ROLL THE DICE (3-5) v. #13 A Lot O’Tatz (2-5-1)

EEB must be scratching his head, wondering how his season has ended up like this. But STILL, his team looks good on paper, and he’s just 1 game out of a playoff spot. He’s scored many more points than Dosh, so that’s something. Dosh’s lethal duo of Hoyer and Charcandrick West is on a bye, but he’s got some decent bench spots. I think this is a very interesting tilt. Again, both teams need a win here to keep pace with the rest of the pack. I’m going to go with a slight upset here.

Commish’s Pick: ROLL THE DICE


The EFFL will be watching football this Sunday at a bar TBD. It should be pretty rowdy.

The 2015 Turning Point

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Ridin' through my old hood, but I'm in my new whip!

What in the fuck was that fake punt run by the Colts?!?!? It was arguably the most embarrassing play to be run in the history of the NFL. Check this out.

Single dumbest play in the history of football. pic.twitter.com/y5xWRwd7pO

— Sam's Army (@BarstoolSam) October 19, 2015

It's unbelievable that this actually happened in a game. Against the Patriots. As if Belichick needed help. And let's gooooo. Bills are back, baby!!!

A video posted by Marissa (@princess10819_harris) on Oct 18, 2015 at 3:45pm PDT

A video posted by Tim Szczesny (@tinytim39) on Oct 18, 2015 at 9:20pm PDT

So I ask yet again... Anyone wanna go to a Bills game? I need to be part of the #BillsMafia. There's also a picture floating around of a dude in Zubaz peeing with his pants down. Pretty awesome. Didn't wanna put that on the blog in case anyone is reading at work.

I'm in such a good mood right now. It appears I'm going to take down TITTY barring an unbelievable collapse. And the Eagles still have the hope for victory. Time to TURN UP.

Let's get some quick beef in.


Beef of the Week: Aaron Rodgers

I've honestly had enough of this guy. Guy hurries up to the line with 25 seconds left just to yell "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT".

SNAP THE FUCKING BALL!!!!! It's absolutely unwatchable. And the guy gets praised for being smarter than everybody else. He's an emotionless robot. I've never seen him smile. I think he's incapable of smiling. Aaron Rodgers may be good at QB Rating and Yards per Attempt, but he's the furthest thing from enjoyable to watch. Put him in the shit QB category for me with Bortles, McCown, and whoever Dallas decides to use.


And I've had enough of the hating on Cro. Guy's got 11 kids or whatever. Yet there they are praising good ol' country boy Philip Rivers. "He and his wife are expecting their 8th child". STOP IT PHIL! You're not the Duggars. Please stop. Can't wait til we have to hear from him how much better a person he is than everyone else.

What's the deal with this Star Wars stuff? Usually Comic-Con or whatever attracts a unique blend of people. Who at Disney thought "Man, I bet a football game is the perfect time for a sci-fi movie preview". Two total different groups of people. Except for Tatz. He's clearly the target audience here.

But how good a game was that Carolina-Seattle game? It's awesome when two good teams play. That might have been the best game I've seen all season. And then to follow that up with Colts-Pats. Bout time we got hooked up. The 1 PM games were brutal, but still. Fun week. Let's get to the power rankings right quick.

And ESPN and NFL Network are spewing all kinds of garbage about this Nolan Carroll pick 6. "This is the first pick 6 in Philadelphia in 19 years". No it's not. I don't have every Pick 6 stored in my memory, but come on. There's visual evidence on Facebook.

Pictured:

- Facebook Ads
- My entire closet emptied following TO's return to Philly in 2006.
- A Reggie Bush jersey
- A racquetball racquet
- Abercrombie bag
- The commissioner buried under this mound somewhere.

Not Pictured:

- TPG puking in a keg bucket.

Woke up the next morning with a fucking coating on the water in the keg bucket. Nastiest shit I've ever seen. You still believe ESPN and NFL Network? Fine. Here's a box score: http://espn.go.com/nfl/game?gameId=261008021

Lito Sheppard 102 yard TD. But you keep telling people that it's been 19 years, NFL Network. I remember that TO game. TPG doesn't. I think that's the most fucked up I've EVER been for a football game. And that's saying something.

Power Rankings

I don't think anyone has anything to worry about at this point. The playoffs cut line is only 3-3 right now. That means everyone except EEB and Cutter is within 1 game of the playoffs. That's fun.

14. ROLL THE DICE (2-4 - Last week 14): Another week and another disappointing outing. I fear Dosh may not recover from this disastrous spot. Finally admitted to me that Peyton Manning is cooked, as I've been explaining since Week 1. But picked up some other QBs that others cut bait on. It might help. How could you trade Mike Evans for that packeege?

13. The King's Crusaders (2-4 - Last week 12): Real rough week. HUT! HUT! HUT! Probably sat there screaming at the TV "GIVE ME SOME FUCKING FANTASY POINTS!!! HIKE IT" TEs look good, but a lot of Chiefs. A lot. I don't think this team has enough firepower at this point. Gonna be tough to get out of this hole.

12. Bo$$town Cutter (1-5 - Last week 13): Moved up a bit, but Phil is crushing everyone. Had probably the game of the season, and it sucks to have to lose that. But you've gotta be encouraged. Martavis and Shady are back. Dez should be back kinda soon. It just may be too late. I guarantee nobody is going to want to play your team at full strength.

11. Dueling Pylons (2-4 - Last week 11): Very well may be behind Cutter, but likewise, this team looks to be improving in the second half. Injuries EVERYWHERE have decimated this squad. Gurley and Christine Michael may be the top 2 running backs in the second half of the season. I'll let you laugh. Going to get destroyed by Cecil.

10. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-4 - Last week 8): Lots of teams have gone in the shitter, but all that means is that the playoffs are very close. Beast mode is back, but was truly no match for Nuk Hopkins and BG's squad. I think this team is right on the outside looking in at the moment, but some wise roster moves could get em back into the discussion.

9. Tweeting in the Trenches (2-3-1 - Last week 4): I'm serious. Look how many teams are right around each others' records. EVERYONE is still in the playoff hunt. My concerns all season are finally creeping through. Got a couple big players, but the complementary pieces don't seem to be delivering. You might have to (gasp) trade Bell or Odell. You can't trade a kicker for good players. I also think it's hilarious that Chris Michael Fusco cut Chris Michael.

8. Team Bartholomew (3-3 - Last week 5): Got a huge win against Dosh, but I'm still concerned. Antonio Brown is doing awful without Big Ben. I'm sure you'll have some big weeks and be right around the playoffs, but I don't think it's as certain as it was.

7. Geno 911 (3-3 - Last week 10): Trust me, I don't think you're in the top 7. I just forgot about your team until now. It's that forgettable. Now looking at it, you might be in the bottom 3. Too late to turn back. Whole team screams AVERAGE. And as much as EEB made fun of you, Golden Tate over Brandin Cooks still doesn't look that bad.

6. A Lot O'Tatz (1-4-1 - Last week 9): I still think you have a solid team, but at some point you have to do something. The good news is that you're only a game and a half out of the playoffs. You're right there. Grudge match with Tatz next week and a HUGE opportunity to get right back into it.

5. The Old Nut Sack (4-2 - Last week 6): I don't know how you've managed a 4-2 record, but you've done it. I guess your team isn't all that bad after all. John Brown, Greg Olsen, and BMarsh all brought it. They may continue to bring it. I'm starting to come around. Looking good.

4. Pork Chop Express (4-2 - Last week 7): Stole Mike Evans from Dosh. The fantasy gods were clearly angered by this treason as your top two receivers were struck down with injury. Huge week. I think it's your ceiling, but it's encouraging. Can't believe you gave up football this week for a fondue party.

3. Stanky Monkeys (5-1 - Last week 3): Nothing against your squad. It's on fire. I looked and thought damn 147 points. He's moving up! Then I saw the 2 teams higher than you scored even more. Randall Cobb isn't even producing and it doesn't matter. You should've seen what you did to EEB with that Ben Watson play. Poor guy was questioning his purpose in life.

2. Team BG (4-2 - Last week 2): Team just unloaded on poor TPG. Everything clicked this week, and it could have been worse. Demaryius dropped a bunch of passes. Team looks a little bit precarious heading into the bye weeks, but I see no reason why this team wouldn't be a contender. Unlike EEB, it's amazing what smart lineup decisions do.

1. Cecil Had It Coming (6-0 - Last week 1): Some people may put 0 stock in the power rankings, but I've had your team #1 all season since week 1. It's amazing that I can properly analyze team strengths, yet can't draft the players that make these teams strong. Can you imagine if your first loss is to the lowly Pylons? I only can dream. This team might lock up a playoff spot by week 8 or 9. That's not out of reach.


Crazy that the regular season has just about hit the halfway point. EVERYONE is still in contention. And that's not an exaggeration. All but 2 teams are within 1 game of the playoffs.