Championship Week

This is always one of the toughest blogs to write. I've never written a Week 16 blog with a team still in play before, but 2013 has finally proven to be the year of the Pylon. Or year of the TITTY. Not sure yet. All I know is that Jamaal Charles single-handedly ruined the life of Chris Woody. This is sweet revenge for a Doug Martin 55 point outing he dropped on me last year. But more on that later.

One thing to remember here is that the 3rd place games DO matter. In each league, the winner of the 3rd place game wins their entry fee back, so despite each of you getting beat this week, you do still have something to play for. The commish doesn't just keep that extra money for himself.

I also wanted to point out that this will sadly be the last blog of the season. As I will be away on vacation, there will not be a final blog. I'll make sure to get everyone's money to them following the new year. Similar to last year, Yashar has won the award for least original team name and the award for last team to pay fees. Not a good look.


League 1

#5 Dueling Pylons 166 - #1 Team Toliver 130

Up until about 3 PM, it looked like the Pylons were done for. Greg Jennings unleashed a career day. He had 19 points through the 1st quarter. Slowly but surely the Pylons started to make inroads. The Eagles being behind unleashed the Foles-DeSean combo to the tune of 72 combined points. Patterson threw in another garbage TD, and Foles continued to throw until the final whistle. I can't imagine what Yashar was feeling as that game refused to end. The Pylons continued to pile on the points during the 4 PM games, and there was nothing that could be done. The Pylons finally reached the championship game for the first time... the last team of the original EFFL to do so (sans EEB).

The Pylons looked like this after the win:

#2 Tweeting in the Trenches 144 - #3 The King's Crusaders 120

Jamaal Charles. That's all that needs to be said. This was one of the most impressive individual efforts I have ever witnessed. The only reasons his day wasn't bigger was the Western Kentucky Hilltopper showing mercy, and the fact that the end zone prevents further yardage. The Raiders weren't even close to taking him down. And Fusco needed it. Without the 59 point effort, TITTY had just a pedestrian total. But these two teams are two of the best. A 3 time champ against the defending champ. I think the league may have a new public enemy #1, especially if we have TITTY and TITTY on the trophy.

Here's how TITTY celebrated.

Final Preview

#2 Tweeting in the Trenches (11-3) vs. #5 Dueling Pylons (7-6-2)

These two teams met in the semis last year, and it looked for a long time like it would be the Pylons advancing to the championship game. It was not to be, and the result was Carter Michael Fusco. Will one of these teams father a child this year following an EFFL title? Recently, Fusco has owned this series, winning both matches this year. They always say it's tough to beat a team 3 times.

I think this is going to be a very close championship game. With the Eagles vs. Bears moved to Sunday night, the Pylons Week 15 star duo will probably have their work cut out for them. Expect TITTY to hold a strong lead heading into that game with the Pylons trying to come back to win the whole thing. Will it be enough?

I'll be hoping that the Pylons championship gear doesn't have to get sent to Somalia. But I think we have our first repeat championship, and another Fusco child.

Prediction: Tweeting in the Trenches


League 2

#1 The Darkest Norseman 161 - #5 Super Mario Brothers 132

I love Dosh's enthusiasm. He was RIPPING Dez early in the Cowboys game, and all of the sudden he goes silent as Dez explodes on the Packers. Even poor games from Knowshon and Jordan Cameron couldn't stop him. It was an impressive effort from the Mario Brothers, but as expected, the team just didn't have enough punch. 130 was right around where I expected this team to max out at. With Peterson possibly back in the fold for the championship, Dosh must be feeling extremely confident heading into the final. I would be too.

#3 Game on Dick Bag 150 - #2 Bo$$town Beasts 92

Just like Woody, there was nothing you could do Cutter. I was nervous that this was going to happen to your team, and sure enough it did at the worst time possible. Even though you made poor coaching decisions, your max lineup score was only 113 points. Sam's team continues to get the job done, going over 130 points for the 3rd straight week. Heading into the finals on a roll, he too must be feeling confident. Imagine if Tatz had agreed to a Jamaal Charles trade. Would've been a totally different story.

Final Preview

#1 The Darkest Norseman (11-3) vs. #3 Game on Dick Bag (10-5)

For about 6 weeks now, it seemed like it would be Dosh against either Sam or Cutter in the finals. Sure enough, it came to fruition. It's hard to argue with these two teams being in the finals. They were some of the most consistent across both leagues. After the draft, Dosh was my favorite to win it all, which is usually the kiss of death. But you stuck with it, kept up with your team, and are close to being rewarded in the end.

Sam has done it despite a not too strong receiving corps, but his trio of Stafford, Shady and Forte is up there with the best in the league. This is another matchup that will come down to Sunday night. I expect similar scenarios in both leagues. Dosh should be up by a good amount, and it's just a matter of will he have enough to hold on. I think he does.

Prediction: The Darkest Norseman


It's been a fun season, and I've probably written about 25,000 words. That's a 30 page paper. I hope you have enjoyed the blog throughout the season, the portions you've read. Good luck to the 4 teams playing in Championship Week, and again, 3rd place teams do not forget you are still playing for money. Signing off for 2013.

The Commish

Snowball Fight

Man, I'm with Peterson. The Ravens probably have the worst fans in the NFL. Not only do they try to pelt players with snowballs, they can't drive. It's bad for everyone.

I could talk about how great the snow was to watch like every media outlet, but I won't. We're better than that. I just know that I saw pictures of the game in Philly, and while I was concerned, I didn't think it was the end of the world. When I got to the bar at 1:05 and saw the live action, I had a relapse. Coming off a bye in 2007, I used Derek Anderson and Braylon Edwards in a playoff game against TPG. This happened. I lost the game and vowed to never use a player in snow again. I was beside myself, and the result was crushing 4 pitchers of Goose Island and having a massive headache all day Monday. It was worth it.

Now that we have the playoffs to talk about, the Beef of the Week is being abandoned for the season. I really don't have much anyway other than guys insisting that Goodell makes them injure other players. The only way you can take down Gronk is a leaping headshot or blowing out his knee? Please. That's horseshit.

Here's a quick overview of what happened in the EFFL in Week 14:

Playoffs:

Winners: Dueling Pylons, The King's Crusaders, Game on Dick Bag, Super Mario Brothers
Losers: Geno 911, Threeing the Hogs, Jersey Leshoure, EEB Ventura

Relegation Battle:

Winners: Stanky Monkeys, Lady Luck
Losers: Tequila Party Gnomes, RGIII for President.

Yes, League 2 members, we are returning Darryl to you. Also joining you will be draft drunk Matt Atallian. You'll get one more this week.


League 1

Week 14 Recap

#3 The King's Crusaders 161 - #6 Threeing the Hogs 152

If I were Mike Y, I'd be sick. With a wind chill of almost 10 below zero, Josh McCown dropped 42 points in your grill to knock you out of the playoffs on Monday night. That's balls. MCCOWN!! Over the course of years playing fantasy football, everyone develops enemies. You can be certain that an eternal hatred was born on Monday night. But this victory is classic King. Starting some scrub you wouldn't dare have the balls to in the playoffs, and he drops 40 necessary points to give him the win. This marks the 7th year in a row that the King has reached the semifinals, and thankfully TPG stopped his streak of 5 straight championship appearances last year. Just an unbelievable victory.

#5 Dueling Pylons 115 - #4 Geno 911 104

This is exactly why everyone wanted to play Geno 911. I've ripped him all year on the blog, and he went out with a poor performance reminiscent of the rest of the season. A well deserved exit. But the Pylons can't feel all too happy about this one. Only scoring 115 and having arguably your best player go down to injury is not the way you want to move forward. But the Pylons have owned Geno 911 to the tune of a 10-1-1 record over their last 12 played. Remarkably this is only the Pylons 3rd career playoff win, with 2 coming against Gambino.

Week 15 Preview

#1 Team Toliver (10-3) vs. #5 Dueling Pylons (6-6-2)

All I can say about this is I'm glad Manning plays on Thursday night. It's gonna hurt, but let's get it over with and move forward. Until Monday night, it really looked like Yashar was going to face his arch nemesis Mike Y in a rematch of the League 2 title game last year. But it was not to be. MCCOWN!! During the bye week, Yashar put up only 113 points, so that must be somewhat concerning. The last time these teams met, the Pylons went down in a heap following a CJ Spiller no-show. Conveniently, Peterson goes down, and I have a hole that needs to be filled. I don't know if I can bring myself to do it. This is the Pylons' 6th semifinal appearance, and they've never reached the championship game. I think that streak continues.

Prediction: Team Toliver

#2 Tweeting in the Trenches (10-3) vs. #3 The King's Crusaders (9-5)

This is clearly the better matchup of the two semifinals. The last 3 times these teams have met, the games have been separated by a combined 17 points. When you're on a bye, the only thing you can hope for is that none of your players get injured. I guess your best player blowing out his ACL and MCL doesn't qualify. That's a real tough break, and it makes TITTY look an awful lot more beatable. If Andre Johnson scored touchdowns, he'd be a beast. I think whichever team wins this game is the favorite to hoist the trophy, which sucks ass because they've won the last 2 and 3 of the last 4 combined. It's going to be a tough battle, but I'm going to give the King the slight edge. It should be up for grabs on Monday night.

Prediction: The King's Crusaders


Relegation Battle

Week 14 Recap

#7 Stanky Monkeys 174 - #10 RGIII for President 86

Oh shit! When your top scorer is Nick Fizzolk, you're in deep doo doo. This was an absolute beatdown, and it's unfortunate that Lou is gonna be upset knowing he would have done damage in the playoffs. Now winners of 7 of 9, this team is finding its stride at the right time to avoid relegation. The only consolation I can offer you is that had you ended up playing Sam this week instead of next week, you would've suffered an unreal 176-174 loss. That would be enough to send a man off a cliff. It was a well deserved win, and after being completely overmatched in League 1, Darryl is headed back to League 2. Lou is now 3-0 in relegation battles.

#8 Lady Luck 176 - #9 Tequila Party Gnomes 133

As you said, there's really not more TPG could have done here. It was a noble effort, but after a disappointing season, it's a fitting end. TPG will now join the likes of EEB and Tatz. The good news for both you and your brother is that you can't both draft Colston next year, so at least one of you should benefit. If he finally shows up to a draft and out drinks you, it'll be a sight to see. Meanwhile, where did this explosion from Lady Luck come from? She sure picked the right time for a monster week. Maybe you read the blog last week and decided "Oh, I traded for Bell and Fitz, maybe I should use them". Had you used Bell last week, you would've knocked your brother out this week. Sad.

Week 15 Preview

#7 Stanky Monkeys (7-7) vs. #8 Lady Luck (6-8)

Sam snapped a 6 game losing streak in a big way, and this is going to be an interesting matchup. I don't think either team scores nearly as many points in week 15, but that doesn't mean this won't be a good one. Over the years these teams have been very even. Lou has 2 championships and Sam has 1. But 1 must stay, and 1 must go. Believe it or not, by far the worst performer for the Stanky Monkeys in Week 14 was Calvin Johnson. Something tells me he turns it around and explodes on Lady Luck. Despite missing the playoffs 3 years in a row, Lou has proven resilient, and he's played well when it matters. I think the Stanky Monkeys do it again.

Prediction: Stanky Monkeys


League 2

Week 14 Recap

#3 Game on Dick Bag 143 - #6 Jersey Leshoure 117

I liked Ben to take this one, but things happen. Tron and Gronk combining for 12 points is probably going to end your season. There's really nothing that could have been done here, as huge games from McCoy and Forte got the job done. Sam has had an impressive squad all season, and despite leaving over 100 points on the bench, it still wasn't close. Interesting to note that this game featured the 2nd and 3rd highest scoring teams across both leagues this season. Not everyone gets to play EEB. If it makes you feel any better Ben, you won the high score in Week 13 and tied for high score in another, so you'll get back $15. Hooray!

#5 Super Mario Brothers 130 - #4 EEB Ventura 104

Here's a hilarious fact... The only players in EEB's lineup that didn't play in snow conditions were kicker Phil Dawson and AJ Green, who played in below freezing temperatures and light spotting. Didn't follow your mentor Woody and got stuck with Reggie Bush left in your lineup. He won. You lost. It really didn't matter. Your optimal starting lineup scored a whopping 122 points. You'll stay in League 2 next year, which is also well deserved. Meanwhile, Elliott advances and shows you up after you wanted him out. I can't wait to see what you have to say for yourself at next year's draft.

Week 15 Preview

#1 Darkest Norseman (10-3) vs. #5 Super Mario Brothers (6-7-1)

On paper, this looks like the Norseman should continue to cruise en route to a championship appearance. But the Peterson injury definitely hurts Dosh and after BMarsh and Dez, the team doesn't really have a reliable 3rd receiving option. It'll be interesting to see if Case Keenum makes a return appearance to the lineup. I think this is going to be a very close game. Keep in mind that the winner of this matchup punches their ticket to League 1 in 2014. Only 3 teams have beat Dosh this season, and the Brothers are one of them, but I think the Norseman just have too much firepower here.

Prediction: Darkest Norseman

#2 Bo$$town Beasts (9-4) vs. #3 Game on Dick Bag (9-5)

This didn't really work out too well for Cutter, as I'm sure he would've rather faced Elliott than Sam here. And to make matters worse, he also lost a top player to injury in Week 14. This is going to be another close matchup, and I wouldn't be surprised in the least if either team won. Cutter won their only matchup all the way back in Week 3, but that was a long time ago. Of late, it's been the Dick Bag that's had the upper hand. I think the wild card team comes through here and knocks Cutty out, punching a ticket to League 1 en route.

Prediction: Game on Dick Bag


Well that took a very long time to write, and until Monday night, it was very much up in the air who would play who. There are 5 games to keep an eye on this week as we'll have the 2 finalists from each League as well as the winner and loser of the relegation battle. Championship week will matter in both leagues as there will be money and a trip to League 1 at stake. Good luck to everyone in Week 15.

EFFL Goes Nuts

It's playoff time in the EFFL. We've suffered through 13 tough weeks to finally get to this point of one-and-done. As is customary with the EFFL, things are not settled until Monday night, and with 18 teams across both leagues this year, there's more at stake than ever in Week 14.

While TPG would have ran train on Geno 911 no matter what, it's bad form to bench your entire roster and start Aaron Hernandez. Benching your team to rest your starters I get. But what does Hernandez have to do with anything? If you really wanted to be funny, you would've started Hernandez and Tebow, but apparently that didn't happen. You killed it. If there was anything at stake in your matchup, I'd toss you from the league for a stunt like that. Instead, I'll personally eliminate you from the playoffs.

Beef of the Week: The New York Jets

Yet another easy target, but this is ridiculous. I've complained about NFL TV coverage, and it struck again this week, as a CBS Doubleheader coupled with a Jets home game at 1 PM ensures that nobody in New York gets to see a 1 PM game on Fox. Great. It makes much more sense to see 49ers-Rams in New York than Eagles-Cardinals.

The Jets are unwatchable. They're truly a joke. Rex Ryan is somehow still the head ballcoach, and he continues to trot out Geno Smith, despite him being absolutely awful. It's the same story every week. Geno stinks up the joint and gets benched for Matt Simms who enters the game down 20 points. Geno now has 1 TD and 11 picks in his last 7 starts and hasn't even completed 10 passes in 4 straight games. If you add his QB rating from the last 3 starts combined, it equals 40.7. That's 3 games added together. On ESPN's QBR rating scale of 1-100, Geno has had 6 starts where his QBR is less than 8.

Take all of that in. I get that rookies are bad, but this is brutal. How can you start this guy? How does Rex still have a job?  I also don't understand why the Jets are on pretty much every TV at the bar. People go out to watch games they can't see at home. What kind of idiot goes to his boys "Yo you wanna come over and watch the Jet game?" "Nah bro, I'd rather watch at the bar and pay 5 times as much for beer". People don't do that. A majority of the people at the bar are interested in a game that's not on local TV. The rest would rather not watch the fucking Jets.

Here's a great tweet:

In 9 years doing the Red Zone Channel @DIRECTV , I've never had more people complain when we went to a game than today for Dolphins/Jets.
— Andrew Siciliano (@AndrewSiciliano) December 2, 2013

League 1 Playoffs

We had 5 teams lock up a playoff spot prior to Week 13, and it took awhile to get the 6th. If Sam had held on to beat Mike Y last week, it would've been Lou in the playoffs. Poor guy got burned on head-to-head tiebreakers despite scoring a ton of points.

It was also brought to my attention that had Geno 911 and the Pylons not tied in Week 10, the Stanky Monkeys would have been in the playoffs. That's entirely true. Here's how things are shaping up.

#1 Team Toliver (10-3): Finished up strong and now has a week to take it easy. I'm very impressed that you've taken the #1 seed in your respective league 2 years in a row. You'll play the lowest remaining seed in Week 15. Hopefully none of your players bite it during your bye week. Cannot play Chris Woody.

#2 Tweeting in the Trenches (10-3): Another impressive 10 win season, which is pretty remarkable considering you've never won more than 6 games in the regular season. You will face the highest remaining seed, which means either Chris Woody or the winner of the 4/5 matchup. This team is a definite contender.

#3 The King's Crusaders (8-5) vs. #6 Threeing the Hogs (6-7)

These teams faced each other in Week 13, and there will be a rematch in the Wild Card round of the playoffs. Mike certainly backed his way into the playoffs here, as he needed Lou to defeat Sam to get in. It was about 10 PM Monday night, but the Hogs officially punched their ticket to the League 1 playoffs. The teams split the season series, and I must admit I'm a little pleased that one of these teams will be knocked out. The Hogs have had 3 poor weeks in 4, and I'm looking at that as a possible sign of weakness. It's crazy to think that the Hogs flat out cut 2 of his top 3 picks, and neither was injured. I think the King is looking too strong here and will use his league history to his advantage.

Prediction: The King's Crusaders

#4 Geno 911 (6-6-1) vs. #5 Dueling Pylons (5-6-2):

These teams are very familiar with each other as this will be the 3rd time these teams meet in a matter of 5 weeks. It remains to be seen whether Geno angered the fantasy gods with his Week 13 stunt. The Pylons could be in good shape here as they have fared very well against 911 recently. This includes a victory in the 2012 playoffs that sent Gambino packing. The Pylons will surely be happy that they wasted a terrible week when it didn't matter. Considering the boom or bust nature of this team, it could be a rebound match here. I've thought the Pylons have been the better team all season. They've scored more, won the head-to-head tiebreaker, and haven't lost to Gambino in a long time. That trend continues.

Prediction: Dueling Pylons


League 1 Relegation Ladder

This is arguably more exciting than the playoffs, as 3 of 4 teams will be participating in League 2 next year. The loser of each Week 14 game will be relegated. The two winners will face each other in Week 15 with the loser also being relegated. Don't fret league members, as I will be pushing hard to get BG and Jimish back into the EFFL next year.

#7 Stanky Monkeys (6-7) vs. #10 RGIII for President (3-10)

Lou did everything he could to get back into the playoff picture. Won 6 of his final 8, and it just wasn't enough. Was the odd man out of the 3 way tie for 5th through 7th place. Lou has fought off relegation before, and given the way his team is playing, I wouldn't be surprised to see him do it again. At 3-10, if you're not relegated back to League 2, you're a very lucky person. I'm a believer that the Stanky Monkeys would have made some noise in the playoffs had they gotten in. They'll do work here.

Prediction: Stanky Monkeys

#8 Lady Luck (5-8) vs. #9 Tequila Party Gnomes (4-8-1)

These teams are only separated in the standings by half a game, and I know where this is headed. Lady Luck brings an impressive 6 game losing streak into the relegation ladder, and if you're the Gnomes, you have to be happy with this draw. Trading Brandon Marshall for Le'Veon Bell and Larry Fitz still makes no sense to me. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU BENCH BELL FOR DANNY WOODHEAD and cost yourself a playoff spot. It went mostly unnoticed in the league, but this is just bad coaching all around. TPG meanwhile is firing on all cylinders. Hopefully you didn't blow your load on Gambino.

Prediction: Tequila Party Gnomes


League 2 Playoffs

The two teams to play in the finals will be promoted to League 1. Also the team finishing in 3rd place will move up to League 1. The bye gives you a huge advantage. Let's see how things look:

#1 Darkest Norseman (10-3): Been atop the leaderboard all season and certainly deserving of the top spot. Hasn't been completely killing it recently save Week 12. But Dosh is looking very strong to be promoted to League 1 in 2014. Will face the lowest remaining team in Week 15.

#2 Bo$$town Beasts (9-4): Didn't finish that strong, but got some help and still locked up a first round bye. It's huge to get that bye instead of having to play an extra wild card game. I fully expect you to be in League 1 next year, and I'd be totally disappointed otherwise.

#3 Game on Dick Bag (8-5) vs. #6 Jersey Leshoure (5-8)

Believe it or not, Ben almost snuck into the #5 spot. But at 5-8, the odds finally have turned in his favor and he's in the playoffs. That's bad news for the rest of the league, as to date the Street Pigeons have scored more than 300 fewer points than Leshoure. This team is far more deserving. This game may be the best across both leagues in Week 14. Each team has flown under the radar but has put up a ton of points. It'll be interesting to see if Leshoure pulled a TPG and wasted a good week before the playoffs. I like both of these teams, but I think the team that just got in keeps on rolling.

Prediction: Jersey Leshoure

#4 EEB Ventura (6-6-1) vs. #5 Super Mario Brothers (5-7-1)

I must admit that I've been looking forward to this one for awhile. All the way back on draft night, EEB wanted to boot Elliott in favor of Rebecca despite Elliott being the only person to pay an entry fee. Wouldn't it be the ultimate irony if he defeated you here and knocked you out of the playoffs. I know it's been a hard year for EEB, and a loss in Week 14 means another year in League 2. But you'd have some company next year. If you wanna get back and play your mentor Woody next year, you're gonna need a win here. I'm not impressed by the Mario Brothers.

Prediction: EEB Ventura


Out of the Playoffs

#7 Street Pigeons (4-9): This was a long time coming. A season of ineptitude culminated with the starting of inactive Stevan Ridley. In fairness, the only other running back on your roster whose team played on Sunday is Arian Foster. Who knows why you're still holding onto him as he can't be kept. When you hitch your team to Aaron Rodgers and he goes down with an injury, this is bound to happen. Making 8 moves all season certainly doesn't help.

#8 Team Meat Collage (4-9): At least you avoided double digit losses, but it was apparent around mid-season that this was not going to be a playoff team. Unfortunately, the teams in League 2 that miss the playoffs don't have anything to do after week 13, but you stayed in it until the end. I'd bet on you never drafting Trent Richardson again in your life.


We'll be back next week to see how teams' fortunes have changed. 4 teams will be eliminated from the playoffs, and 2 will face certain relegation to League 2. It's an exciting time. Best of luck to everyone.

Eat Up #10mode

It's a little old, but it's appropriate given the feast that's gonna go down this week. There's nothing like football on Thanksgiving. I embark on a yearly tradition of getting absolutely obliterated and not remembering that there's now night football. I know I'm not alone. And even better, it's Thanksgivikkuh. Or something like that. Happy Chanukah to the Jews.

Apparently my beef of the week went over quite well last week. People hate Mayock. I'm gonna keep this theme going and pick on some more TV personalities.

Beef of the Week: Al Michaels

He's an old guy. I understand. It's like Pat Summerall when he worked with Madden. You kinda feel bad for him, but at the same time, you just wonder what NBC is thinking. For whatever reason, he just can't pronounce normal words that others can. It's not New Or-Lee-Ins. That's not the name.

Here are a couple words: Man. Sad. These two words do not rhyme. Yet add an "ing" to the end of these words, and somehow the pronunciation of "Manning" changes. The "man" in that word does not rhyme with sad. It's wrong. That's not the right way to pronounce it. You know how I know it's not the right way to pronounce it? THEY HAVE PEYTON MANNING SAYING HIS OWN NAME IN THE PLAYER INTROS!!! Why is he pronouncing it in his own way? It drives me NUTS!

It's amazing that NBC lets its employee blatantly and intentionally do his job wrong. Must be nice.

We're down to one final week in the regular season. We have one playoff spot available in each league. Who will claim it?

League 1

They're in

y - 1. Team Toliver (9-3): I can't fault you for a bad week. You have a bye locked up, and you're resting your starters. But there has to be a little bit of concern in your mind after a poor performance. It's not gonna get any warmer in Denver. I'm still not convinced your team is past the Julio injury, but Harry Douglas has performed admirably. It really doesn't matter if you're the 1 or the 2 seed. We'll have an idea of who your potential opponents can be next week.

y - 2. Tweeting in the Trenches (9-3): Nice job beating up on a vulnerable team. You've clinched a first round bye (son of a bitch), and you're in the same boat as Yashar. There's really nothing to be gained or lost by being #1 or #2, but I guess avoiding the King would be helpful. This is arguably the best team right now, and if I had a pick, I'd reluctantly have to choose TITTY.

x - 3. The King's Crusaders (7-5): You didn't mess around, got the job done, and now you're in the playoffs. Still no idea who you're going to play, but you're in the wild card round as expected. You own the tiebreaker over the Pylons, but don't over the Hogs. If you win, you'll be the 3 seed. If you lose, you could potentially end up at #6. I don't think you'll be intimidated by your opponent whoever it is.

x - 4. Geno 911 (6-5-1): Clinched a playoff spot by virtue of the Hogs taking out Lady Luck, but this team is not looking strong right now. Could a 3rd matchup with the Pylons be on deck? Can still finish anywhere between 3 and 6. By far the lowest scoring playoff team no matter what happens in week 13. Doesn't look like tiebreakers will come into effect here. But like the other wild card teams, your playoff opponent will not be known til after Week 13.

x - 5. Dueling Pylons (5-5-2): The only team below the Pylons at this point that can pass them is the Hogs, and as a result, the Pylons are headed back to the playoffs. It appears setting up a weaker squad for Geno 911 instead of a weaker Week 11 squad worked out very well. The Pylons have the tiebreaker over the Hogs, Stanky Monkeys, and Lady Luck, which certainly would come into play if they are all tied. This team is 5-2-1 in its last 8. That's nothing to sneeze at.

The star crossed lovers from District 12. Only one can survive. The other will be killed by poisonous berries.

6. Threeing the Hogs (6-6): Got the huge win over Lady Luck, and now controls his own destiny. Obviously with a win in week 13 will clinch a playoff spot. With a loss, however, things become much more interesting. You've defeated the Stanky Monkeys twice, which means that if Sam loses to him, you also clinch. If you lose and Sam wins, since you've split the season series, total points scored come into play. You're extremely close right now. I could've told you at the draft that it would be down to you two for one spot.

7. Lady Luck (5-7): At this point there's only one way into the playoffs for you. You need to win, have Mike Young lose, and finish ahead on total points for the season. That's it. After a 5-2 start, this team has lost 5 in a row, and appears very much headed for the relegation ladder. I warned weeks ago that this team was ripe for a fall in the standings, and sure enough, it's happened. You also cannot finish higher than the #6 seed.

Relllllegate good ttimes, come on!

x - 8. Stanky Monkeys (5-7): I thought you were still in it until I looked a little closer. The only teams you can finish level with are the Pylons and Hogs. Unfortunately, the Pylons own tiebreakers over both teams, so they would finish first in a 3 way tie. That would leave you and the Hogs, and he also owns the tiebreaker over you. The only way you wouldn't end up behind on tiebreakers would be a 3 way tie with the Hogs and Lady Luck. That would require both of you to win in Week 13, but you play each other, so that is not possible.

I'm sorry to see you go after such a strong run. Started 0-5 and came out of nowhere to get back into this thing. This marks the 3rd season in a row in which you've missed the playoffs. The nastyness is no longer. You'll play either Matt or Darryl in the first relegation battle Week 14.

x - 9. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-8-1): Finally put out of your misery. Even a win couldn't have saved your season. But I think you saw this coming. You've been preparing for the relegation ladder since like Week 4. I hope you've prepared accordingly. Your opponent in Week 14 is still TBD, but you cannot play Darryl. It will be one of Lou, Sam or Mike Y.

x - 10. RGIII for President (3-9): There was nothing you could have done to get back into the race. It's been a struggle for the 2nd half of the season, and now you may be headed back to your original League 2. Likewise, you cannot play Matt in Week 14, and have the same 3 potential opponents. We'll see how it turns out next week.

League 2

y - 1. Darkest Norseman (9-3): As indicated last week, your win clinches a first round bye. You'll next play a meaningful game in Week 15. Hopefully you avoid injury in the meantime. You can't finish worse than 2nd, but as I've said previously, there's really no difference between #1 and #2. This was a long time coming, and I think an Excel line graph was exactly what your team needed to turn it around. Also, stop using Case Keenum.

x - 2. Bo$$town Beasts (9-3): Didn't really have an opponent in Week 12, so that worked out nicely. Sam keeps winning behind you so you still haven't locked up a first round bye. A win or a loss from him clinches a bye for you. If you lose and he wins, he'll get the bye. Nice to see a battle, as there's not one currently in League 1. You're certainly still a favorite, and you can't finish any worse than #3.

x - 3. Game On Dick Bag (8-4): Winners of 7 of 8, this is arguably the hottest team across both leagues. Still an outside shot at a bye, but the teams ahead of you keep winning. That doesn't allow much potential. You also can't finish any worse than #3 and cannot reach #1. What that means is that you'll most likely have to play one of the teams ahead of you should you advance to Week 15. This is gonna be a good battle.

x - 4. Super Mario Brothers (5-6-1): Well, you've certainly backed your way into the playoffs. But the Street Pigeons didn't show up, so you're in. And even more, your Week 14 opponent is already known. You'll face EEB Ventura who you've only played once... and tied. It'll certainly be an interesting matchup.

x - 5. EEB Ventura (5-6-1): I can pretty much say the exact same thing I wrote for Elliott. And this couldn't be more perfect. Your team is terrible, and it's gonna be a very interesting matchup with Elliott. With the chance to return to League 1, you'll have the opportunity to knock out the team you didn't want in the league. It would be the ultimate culmination if he knocked you out of the playoffs and kept you in League 2 for another year. Prepare accordingly. Your week 13 matchup is meaningless.

6. Street Pigeons (4-8): Scored a league low 57 points in Week 12 yet is STILL in playoff position. I apparently completely screwed up the blog, as I'm just now realizing I forgot to adjust your blurb following your comeback victory. Unfortunately, you play the #1 team in Week 13, so that will be a huge challenge. But you can get in with a loss if Ben loses. Amazing. Your team has been decimated by injuries, so I'm not sure how a playoff appearance would go.

7. Jersey Leshoure (4-8): That nice 9 game winning streak you went on Sunday clearly did not carry over to fantasy football. And what do you know? Just like Meech, you play a team tied for 1st in Week 13. You do have an outside chance if you lose in Week 13, but you'll need help from your cigar buddy behind you. You can get in with a win and a Pigeons loss. Or, if you both lose and Tatz wins, you can advance if you finish first among you 3 in points. Should be a wild week 13.

8. Team Meat Collage (3-9): The Collage is somehow, some way still kicking. The Pigeons lost and you took out Ben, which is what you needed. You're gonna finish ahead of Mike in points, but you need to catch Ben to get in. You need to win, have both Ben and Mike lose, and make up about 80 points on Ben. It's gonna be tough, but you're not dead yet. If you make the playoffs, it will be one of the most ridiculous results I've ever seen. I look forward to watching football with you on Sunday.

Best of luck to everyone in Week 13. This is gonna be a wild one as there are 3 Thursday games, plus the Sunday night game and the Monday night game. Finally the bye weeks are over, which is a huge relief to everyone involved. I can't wait to see what happens and write the playoff previews.

Hope everyone has a nice Thanksgiving. Eat Up. #10mode

Came Up, That's All Me

Things are coming down to the wire as usual. With 2 weeks remaining, only 5 of the 12 available playoff spots have been clinched. And to make matters even more complicated, not a single team has been eliminated yet. That's truly unbelievable. It was a good week of football, so I'm just gonna head straight into the beef. There's nothing better than going face first into beef.

Beef of the Week: Mike Mayock

This guy is such an easy target and has won the award before, but I just can't take the guy. All he does is rip off combine stats. That's it. A guy makes a great play, and here's the typical commentary:

Nessler: And what a play! Williams bursts into the backfield and.

Mayock: You know, Brad! I saw this guy at the combine out of North Texas and he just impressed the heck out of me. He ran the 3 cone drill in 4.27 seconds and benched 21.4 reps. He broad jumped 10'2! That's the 4th best mark ever for a defensive end, and I really think he's gonna be a big player in this lig. As a matter of fact, I remember his 3rd cousin out of San Antonio State, and even HE broad jumped 10 feet. His cousin Lamar Williams ran the shuttle in 5.4 and had a 37.2 inch vertical. Tremendous athlete. Tremendous. Great player in this lig.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?

It's like 3 plays later when he finally comes up for air and you've missed something that actually is relevant to the game. It's supposed to be color commentator and analyst. Not color commentator and combine regurgitator. It's fucking impossible to watch a Thursday night game.

Imagine me, an analyst, just coming to my boss with random numbers I memorized. "Hey, boss. The claims file came in at 9:22:43, just a couple seconds after last week. There were 24562 lines, which is only 1427 more than last week, which came in at 9:02:15. That's the 4th earliest we've ever received a file." I would get slapped for being such a jackass. And that would be by myself. NFL Network needs a change in a big way. They need to dip into the European pool and pick up Ray Hudson. Here are some of his Messi highlights.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9TQaxme_Sug

Could you imagine Hudson on a Thursday night? "Andrew Luck with a magesterial pass into the waiting arms of Coby Fleener! Pure genius from the Stanford duo. They've been doing it since they were wee lads!" That's what the NFL needs. I'd watch every Thursday.

*** LEAGUE ALERT ***

Trade deadline is Wednesday at noon.

Any player added after this week CANNOT BE KEPT. Prepare accordingly.

League 1

Some interesting happenings here. So many teams are bottled up, but a couple seem to be pulling away from the pack. Nobody is out yet, but a couple teams are on their last legs.

y - 1. Team Toliver (9-2): Another week and another dominant victory for Yashar. He didn't even need Peyton this week. And who else would carry him other than Bills D. Before deferring to Auto-pick at the draft, Yashar's final words were "I need my Bills". You're the only one that can do it successfully. The win locked up a first round bye, and you hold the tiebreaker over Fusco. That means one win or one Fusco loss will clinch the #1 seed for the 2nd year in a row. Congratulations.

x - 2. Tweeting in the Trenches (8-3): I really did not realize that this team's record was this good, but he's now won 5 of 6 and certainly can smell a repeat. All I've heard from Fusco for the last month is "repeat" and "trophy". I'm sick of it. One win or one Woody loss will lock up the other first round bye, as he does hold the tiebreaker over you. Grabbing the #1 seed may be tough, but that's OK at this point. There's really no difference between either of the top 2 seeds.

3. Geno 911 (6-4-1): This is as embarrassing as embarrassing gets. You haven't officially clinched yet, but unless Lady Luck / Threeing the Hogs ends in a tie, you will clinch in Week 12. You may think I'm being harsh, but you're the 3rd lowest scoring team. You've scored a total of 589 points in the last 6 weeks. But it looks like you'll be in despite this. If you succumb to the Pylons, you'll be at risk of facing them yet again in the wild card round.

4. The King's Crusaders (6-5): Pretty straightforward win and in situation. Can't officially clinch with a loss, but 6 wins may eventually be enough. Holds tiebreaker over Pylons, but that's more likely to come into play in regards to seeding than anything. There's still a very small outside possibility of a first round bye, but it's looking pretty likely that you'll be in the wild card round. It should be clearer after Week 12 who your opponent will be.

5. Dueling Pylons (4-5-2): I can't believe it either, but it's true. Holds tiebreaker over both Threeing the Hogs and Lady Luck, so the Pylons occupy the 5th spot. Given that those two teams face each other in Week 12, as long as those teams do not tie, the Pylons only need 1 victory in the final two weeks to clinch a playoff spot. It's taken this team 11 weeks to finally reach a playoff spot after an 0-3-1 start, and I'm sure they'll blow this tremendous opportunity to clinch against Gambino. The Pylons also own the tiebreaker over TPG and the Stanky Monkeys, so this team is in great shape for now.

6. Lady Luck (5-6): Owns tiebreaker over Threeing the Hogs, and can put them on ice in Week 12. A win and a Stanky Monkeys loss should be enough to get into the playoffs for you as you would be a game up on the Hogs with the tiebreaker. Conversely, a loss in Week 12 is serious bad news. Your playoffs in all likelihood start this week. Riding an L4 is not the way you want to head into your most important matchup to date.

7. Threeing the Hogs (5-6): The bad news is the 2 teams you're tied with own the tiebreakers over you. The good news is that if you win in Week 12, it may not matter in the end. You do own the tiebreaker over the Stanky Monkeys, so that could go a long way. But make no mistake about it, a loss this week puts you in deep, deep doo-doo. A loss, Pylons win, and King win eliminates you. Truly on the edge. Everyone will be keeping an eye on your match against Sam.

8. Stanky Monkeys (4-7): Halfway around the world and just couldn't get the job done against the Pylons. I ripped open a beer and chugged it after our game went final. Sorry. You're actually not in terrible shape, but you definitely need some help. Also, you can't lose anymore. You don't have tiebreakers over the Pylons and Hogs, but you can pull even with Sam and pass her and the Hogs in points. You really do need her to beat Mike next week, and then you need two wins. Two Pylons losses could also do the trick. Just don't lose.

9. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-7-1): Still kicking. But sadly, unless Sam and Mike Y tie, you need the Pylons to lose out. Both the Pylons and Gnomes cannot mathematically reach the playoffs. :(

To get in, you have to win your final 2, have the Pylons lose their final 2, have the loser of Sam/Mike Y also lose in Week 13, and have the Stanky Monkeys lose 1 of 2. It's a longshot, but it's doable. At least you didn't let Woody knock you out.

10. RGIII for President (3-8): It's looking like the beginning of the end. You have one hope and one hope only. Win 2 games, have the Pylons lose 2 games, have the loser of Sam/Mike Y also lose in Week 13, have the Stanky Monkeys lose 1 of 2, have TPG lose 1 of 2, and pass all the teams you're tied with in points. I won't rule you out officially, but you need to make up almost 200 points in 2 weeks just to even have a fighting chance. It's time to prepare for the relegation ladder.

League 2

Things are starting to break up a little in this league. That tends to happen when 6 of 8 make the playoffs. But at the top it's certainly getting a little tighter.

x - 1. Darkest Norseman (8-3): The winning streak is finally over, and it was an incredible run. Despite being in first place, here's a chart of your points scored per week:

That's a bad trend. Turn it around, son! You got too complacent with your position. The season ain't over yet. But you do own tiebreakers over Cutter and Sam, which means unless you lose 2, Sam wins 2, and Cutter wins 1, you'll have a bye. One more win clinches a first round bye for you.

x - 2. Bo$$town Beasts (8-3): Made quick work of the Tatz, and I can't say I'm surprised. Poor guy checked his phone at 1:30 to see the score and it was just "Antonio Brown has 24 points." followed by a sad face. As I indicated last week, you had the easiest final 3 week schedule of all teams. Dosh owns the tiebreaker over you, and you own the tiebreaker over Sam, so unless you lose 2 and Sam wins 2, you'll have a first round bye.

x - 3. Game on Dick Bag (7-4): It looks like we may have another contender for the League 2 crown, and it's been a long time coming for this team to break out. People were scoring points like crazy on you, and once that finally calms down, things start to look a little better. You've officially clinched a playoff spot, but you both teams ahead of you own the tiebreaker over you. Unless you win 2 and one of them loses 2, you'll be in the wild card round.

4. Super Mario Brothers (5-5-1): I wouldn't count on your opponent starting Case Keenum every week. Classic hubris. But you got a huge win for the first time since Week 6. I feel the same way about your roster as I do about EEB's, which is probably the reason why you both have had pretty much the exact same season and the exact same points scored. It's not bad, but I think it'll be tough to challenge for a title. We shall see.

5. EEB Ventura (5-5-1): Your goal of splitting the season series with every other team is a noble one. You tied Elliott and now barely trail him in points on the season. It may not matter, as there's a very real chance you guys play each other in the playoffs. Mark these words to describe your team: "Extraordinarily Mediocre". You can't be confident with that roster. You just can't be. Lost in hilarious fashion to Meech, and I love it. What a boss.

6. Jersey Leshoure (4-7): I'm surprised you haven't given up on anything that involves wagering money yet. Every time it looks like there's a light at the end of the tunnel, it's another step backwards. If you've even read any of this blog I'll be surprised. And the worst part was that you actually had a good game this week. Thankfully, the league rules are in your favor as 6 teams make the playoffs. Why not go 4-9, squeak into the playoffs, then go on a run. This roster certainly has potential.

7. Street Pigeons (4-7): Man was I pulling for you. Lowly EEB threw you a softball only scoring 98 points, and you completely whiffed. I realize your entire roster was deemed inactive, but that's no excuse to fall to EEB. The good news is that Ben keeps losing and you own the tiebreaker over him, so you just need to make up one game in the final two weeks to claim the last spot. It's certainly doable.

8. Team Meat Collage (2-9): Needs to make up 2 games on Ben to stay alive, and thankfully you play him in Week 12. Obviously a loss eliminates you. Your straight up tiebreaker over Meech won't come into play at all, but you do need him to lose both games as well. To get in at 4-9 you need 2 wins, Ben to lose in Week 13 to Cutty, Meech to lose both games, and overtake Ben in points. It's looking like yet another year in League 2 for the Tatz. Sorry.

Well that's quite the write-up if I may say so. Only 2 weeks left. It's still weird to me that Week 12 isn't Thanksgiving, but that should make for an even more exciting Turkey Day. Also, why are there STILL bye weeks? It's almost December.

Good luck to everyone in Week 12. I look forward to writing next week's blog, good or bad.

Tony Romo is Terrible

Just stating a fact. This now marks 5 games in a row where Tony Romo has failed to average 7 yards per passing attempt. That's somehow worse than Eli. The guy is truly all smoke and mirrors, and is the shining example of how guys who put up decent stats may not mean much. Romo is absolutely petrified of throwing an interception, and he'll take a 19 yard intentional grounding penalty before risking a fumble or pick. That's a standard Cowboys drive. Run for 1 yard, sack/intentional grounding for -19 yards, completion for 13 yards, punt. And Romo? He's 1 for 1 with a 13 yard completion. Great stats.

Year after year, the strategy of "throw it to your best player" goes by the wayside. Can you imagine if the Lions were 0-9 and Stafford kept slinging the ball to Kris Durham and Joseph Fauria while Tron just had his hand down his shorts? INSANE! Well Tatz, I hope after leaving the bar that you and Howie found that nice big TV to watch your Cowboys on. I'm sure you can't get enough.

As I write this, in advance of the Monday night game, the Jets would actually be in the playoffs. Only one word comes to mind: unfathomable.

Beef of the Week: Monday Night Football

What has happened to our glorious Monday night football? I really think the NFL hates ESPN and just puts the absolute worst games possible on Monday night. Earlier this season we had the worst game in the history of the league between the Vikings and Giants. Now Bucs v. Dolphins. It just gets worse and worse every single week. Next's week's game is somewhat decent, but Patriots v. Panthers is so random. I really used to like having fantasy players go Monday night, but it has just gotten to be so bad that I'd rather just get it over with on Sunday. The NFL needs to get their act together.

The WORST part is that Gruden isn't looking for a head coaching position anymore. He used to kiss everyone's ass hoping not to say anything bad about any organization. Now? He simply points out on a week-to-week basis that awful teams are awful. I'm complaining as much as you Jon, but trust me in that nobody wants to hear me whine. They feel the same way about you.


I also have not forgotten about the high score prize, despite not mentioning it that frequently. Amazingly, the 2nd, 3rd and 4th highest scoring teams have yet to have the high score in a week. Winners thus far:

Week 1: Chris Woody / Yashar Toliver
Week 2: Darryl Hazelwood
Week 3: Adam Cutter
Week 4: Elliott Miller
Week 5: Adam Cutter
Week 6: Chris Woody
Week 7: Sam Woody
Week 8: Lou Sarcone / Ben Lobitz
Week 9: Brandon Riff
Week 10: Eric Brooking


*** League Notes ***

Trade Deadline: Wednesday, November 20th at noon. This is next week. I know usually we have EEB getting drunk on Thanksgiving Eve and selling his soul, but unfortunately the league decided Week 13 would be Thanksgiving this year. Our deadline is still Week 12.

Keepers: Same rule as always. Anyone added after the start of Week 12 CANNOT BE KEPT.


League 1

We have our first playoff team, and there are more lined up right behind. TPG and RGIII have been put on notice for the Relegation Ladder. While giving up may seem like an option, let me remind you of the reaction last season to relegation:

"Although we lost today, we will all be winners in August watching EEB draft in League 2" - Chris Woody
"At least a Woody can't win" - Eric Brooking
"He's out!!!!!!!!!" - Matt Atallian
"I don't want EEB" - Adam Tatz

You don't want to be involved with that.

* 1. Team Toliver (8-2): In his first season in League 1, Yashar has made quick work of the competition and secured a playoff berth. 8-2 is a very impressive record, and now that Peyton Manning is through his bye, it's all systems go. Whole team did pretty terrible sans Manning and Sproles, but that's been the formula for success. The pickup of Ben Tate looks great now that Foster is out for the year. That's a nice card to have in your hand. Can clinch a first round bye in week 11.

2. Tweeting in the Trenches (7-3): Not officially in, but he's in. At worst can end up in a 5 way tie at 7-6, but is so far ahead on points that it won't be a problem. Really got challenged with 85 from Sam. I'm being harsh, but there's no real reason. I get texts every week demanding a repeat champion. I don't want that. Nobody wants that. But there just aren't that many true contenders. The league may need to rely on Yashar.

3. The King's Crusaders (6-4): A win would have been huge, but it's not the end of the world. Still multiple games ahead of the 7th place team with only 3 to play. Can lock up a playoff spot in Week 11 with a win and some help. The stat line would have looked even uglier if not for the miraculous AJ Green catch, but it should be easy to move on from this one given the strong playoff stature. Has the privilege of being able to put TPG out of his misery in Week 11.

4. Geno 911 (5-4-1): Could have been worse. Getting a tie actually bumps Geno into 4th place. In a matchup marred with terrible coaching decisions on both sides, a tie is actually fitting. If not for Demaryius, this team would have been piss poor. Has the weakest remaining schedule in the league, so missing the playoffs would be a complete embarrassment at this point. The rematch with the Pylons in Week 12 is big.

5. Lady Luck (5-5): This team is plummeting like a rock. Losers of 3 straight, there's little reason to believe this team will have a complete revelation. Man I would've loved Welker to show up, but it was not meant to be. Yashar is playing for a bye so he'll surely be looking to make quick work of this team. There's a lot of heat from behind, so this team must be careful.

6. Threeing the Hogs (5-5): Can't believe this team is in it, but I guess there's not really anyone else who has done anything. You arguably have one of the most difficult remaining schedules, but you and Sam could be playing for one playoff spot in week 12. Imagine if Darryl had just checked his lineup and used RGIII instead of having to use Eli. You should certainly be feeling a little lucky right now.

7. Dueling Pylons (3-5-2): What kind of record is this? It ends up being the same as 4-6, which puts the Pylons squarely a game out of the playoffs. Missed a golden opportunity in Week 11, as there could have been 3 5-5 teams with the Pylons only a half game back. Now dead even with the Stanky Monkeys, and the loser of the Week 11 matchup could very well be out of the playoffs. With bye weeks still looming, the Pylons could be in trouble.

8. Stanky Monkeys (4-6): It's been a battle to dig out of an 0-5 hole, but Lou has certainly done an impressive job. Only a game out of a playoff spot with 3 to go, so there is plenty of opportunity. Calvin Johnson has 112 fantasy points... in his last 3 games. I've never seen anything like it. At the same time, Drew Brees has been unconscious. This team has a head of steam, and I wouldn't wanna play them right now. Thankfully, I get to play them right now.

9. RGIII for President (3-7): Got caught asleep at the wheel and completely burned by failing to use RGIII. Very unfortunate and certainly not League 1 material. It would be a shock at this point to not see Darryl back in the relegation ladder. The Aaron Rodgers injury definitely messed you up, and it's going to hurt going forward. There's a lot to overcome. You can be eliminated in Week 11 with a loss and some other unfavorable results.

10. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-7-1): There's no sugar coating it anymore. TPG is on life support. The best this team can do is 5-7-1. TPG needs absolutely every result the rest of the way to go his way to get in. Any slip up eliminates the Gnomes and sends them into the relegation ladder. It's an unfortunate turn of events for a storied EFFL franchise, but this has been brewing for awhile. Prepare for Week 14, or get sent to sleep in the attic with Fuller.


League 2

Not much development in League 2. It's starting to look more and more like it'll be Meech and Tatz missing the playoffs. Week 11 should see some more teams lock up a playoff spot.

* 1. Darkest Norseman (8-2): An 8 game winning streak is certainly the most impressive feat across both leagues. Plays a pretty weak final 3, so it's conceivable this team rips off 11 straight heading into the playoffs. This team needs to win just one of the final 3 games to clinch a first round bye. As it stands, 8 may be enough to get the job done. Dosh informed me at this point he's just picking up players to block other teams.

* 2. Bo$$town Beasts (7-3): Couldn't knock off Dosh yet again, but I'm sure there will be time for revenge. Still in decent shape for a first round bye, but it's not looking as strong as it once was. Plays the bottom 3 in the league over the final 3 weeks, so anything less than a bye must be considered a disappointment. It's hard to believe Peyton will allow that.

3. Game on Dick Bag (6-4): Not officially in yet, but on the verge of clinching. A win or Street Pige loss will lock up a spot. This is actually one of the hottest teams in the league. Winning 5 of 6 is a run that will have you in the playoffs. I think this team has a legitimate shot to take down one of the top teams.

4. EEB Ventura (5-4-1): I think in League 1, you'd be down looking at relegation again. I do love, however, that you refuse to acknowledge that the AFC exists. In all honesty, it would be a complete shock if you were somehow to miss the playoffs. You can clinch with a win or a Meech loss. You should be safely in the wild card round.

5. Super Mario Brothers (4-5-1): Of all the teams who can slip up and drop out of the playoffs, I think this one is the most likely. After a nice 4-2 start, this team has gone winless in 4 straight. The remaining schedule looks pretty imposing, and if Tatz somehow is able to make a last gasp effort, you could be playing for the final spot in week 13. Any win at this point is going to be big. A win and Meech loss clinches a playoff spot.

6. Jersey Leshoure (4-6): When Cam Newton has a bad game, this team doesn't look as scary. But there's still Tron, and that's going to be big. Replace Kenny Stills and Terrance Williams with Gronk and Josh Gordon, and I think you have some serious potential. Getting a game up on the Street Pigeons was important since he holds the tie breaker over you. You control your own destiny.

7. Street Pigeons (3-7): One step forward, and one giant step back. Starting an injured McFadden was a curious strategy, and unfortunately it did not pay off. It may be that the entire Atallian family has given up on fantasy football. Losing Rodgers, Foster, and Cobb is enough to seal any team's fate. That's 3 of your top 4 picks. Not officially out, but you're on thin ice.

8. Team Meat Collage (2-8): In last place and lost to EEB. I certainly don't need to pile on. Even Demaryius going off wasn't enough to help you. Entrusted the team to Tony Romo and Mike Wallace. It's safe to say this placing is not unexpected. Will be eliminated with a loss and Ben win. There's no time left to lose.


There are only 3 weeks remaining in the regular season. After next week, it might be time to start looking at some playoff matchups. Things are still wide open in both leagues. Good luck.

I'm Not a Star

Somebody lied. Looks like Sunshine has taken some lessons from Uncle Rico, as young Napoleon Foles couldn't miss on Sunday. It was great to see flashes of brilliance. If only the Eagles could keep it together, there's some serious potential. But boy was that fun. You have to believe the NFC is wide open. Seattle can be had, San Fran is going to have to get it done on the road, and that's pretty much it. Green Bay's defense isn't anything special. The one dark horse could be Carolina. Great defense, very solid QB play, and a 4 game winning streak.

On a side note, next week's Monday night game is Dolphins-Bucs. If anyone in either league is starting a player in that game, the league mandates that you must send a hand-written apology letter to your opponent. It just ain't right to make them pay attention to that atrocity.

*** I'm planning on starting a league wide Google Hangout Sunday at 1 PM and hopefully continuing for the rest of the season. It would be great to have live video smack talk with everyone in one location. I'll send a link in email later this week. Hopefully people are interested. If I forget and you do not hear from me, send me a reminder.

Beef of the Week: Local TV coverage

Being in the New York market is the absolute worst. Somebody is always at home, so there's always some gap in coverage due to NFL blackout rules. This makes me so mad. All I want to do is upstage the NFL. "You wanna black me out? Fine, I bet I black out before you do NFL". And I drink myself into Bolivian. If you guys have never seen it before, the website 506sports.com is awesome. Some dude color codes a map so you can see exactly which games are on TV.

As you can see, because the Jets played at home, I had to miss Chiefs-Bills while the rest of the northeast got to enjoy the Western Kentucky Hilltopper lead the Chiefs to a 9-0 record. The only game on was Saints-Jets. I was then treated to Patriots-Steelers, which nobody that's not a Steelers or Patriots fan wants to watch. You may be reading this and laughing at me for not turning on Red Zone. I did. I watched Red Zone, but still. If I want to watch a full game, I get absolute garbage. The whole structure is insane. I truly blame the NFL for the drunk driving epidemic. If MADD wants to truly cut down on drunk driving, they should be going after Goodell. People shouldn't be forced to head to a bar to watch a real football game.


As I indicated last week, the power rankings are no more. It's getting close to playoff time, so we'll need to look at some scenarios.

League 1

8 wins is the magic number to clinch a playoff spot this year. It may end up being 7, and I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case.

1. Team Toliver (7-2): Got a pretty big win against a hapless TPG. At 7-2, this team is a virtual lock to make the playoffs. The schedule isn't too forgiving, but as stated above, just 1 win officially locks up a playoff spot. Will be interesting to see if this team has what it takes to hold on to one of the byes. One win over The King puts this team in a great spot.

2. The King's Crusaders (6-3): I'm pretty sure Chris closed his eyes and picked up a team off the waiver wire. And nobody was surprised that this tactic completely dismantled Geno 911. I received about 15 texts asking how Nick can look himself in the mirror after losing to this team, but the fact remains, this team was still probably better than what Geno 911 put out there. Some big games coming up against Yashar, as at least one of these two should definitely grab a bye spot.

3. Tweeting in the Trenches (6-3): When Andre Johnson drops 50 points, you're probably going to win. Shockingly, cut Nick Foles just before gametime Sunday. Had he used just used Foles instead of trading for Andy Dalton, would've put up 221 points. Also had Zac Stacy with 35 and Aaron Dobson with 30 on the bench. With the roster Sunday morning and proper coaching, could've maxed out at 263 points. Seriously. This team will be in the playoffs. Pylons are hoping they rest their starters in week 13.

4. Geno 911 (5-4): This is completely shocking and the only way this team would ever rank this high. Got called out on the blog, got disrespected by Chris Woody, and still couldn't even muster anything respectable. "I'm glad you ranked me #10, it inspires my team". No, actually it's justified. Heading into Monday night, the starters and bench combined for 74 points. Going on 5 straight weeks without breaking 120 points. Perhaps instead of a crafty team name, this team should actually consider calling 911?

911: 911 emergency response, what's your issue?
Nick: Hey 911, how are ya? I have the Pylons coming up twice in the next three weeks.
911: Sir, is this an emergency?
Nick: It is, I'm about to lose my playoff spot.
911: I'm not sure what you'd like from us. We deal with real emergencies.
Nick: I need a wide receiver, can I give you Bilal Powell for Calvin Johnson?
911: Goodbye, Sir.

5. Lady Luck (5-4): Got blown to smithereens by the Pylons, but still hold onto the 5th seed. I certainly think this team is better than Geno 911, but facing Fusco and Yashar in the next two weeks is very tough. If they lose both games, a realistic possibility, this team could be playing for their playoff lives against Mike Y and Lou down the stretch. My gut tells me this team ends up on the right side of the playoff line, but I may just be hungry.

6. Threeing the Hogs (4-5): I was certainly rooting against you, and you definitely benefited by Lou's entire team being on a bye. Sadly for you, your most consistent player, Chiefs D, is now pretty much out for the year. But you got the big win you needed. In another huge match against Darryl this week. Finishes up with double dose of Woody, so beware. Take care of business on your end and you'll be in.

7. Dueling Pylons (3-5-1): Still can't get over the two overturned wins from earlier this season. This team would be 5-4 had those not occurred, but still. Put up a career best 193 points, and it feels damn good to unload on Sam. This team needs to show some consistency, but thankfully faces Geno 911, so shouldn't need anywhere near another repeat performance to claim victory. Only a half game out of a playoff spot, and can certainly play their way in. The win in week 9 was a must.

8. Stanky Monkeys (3-6): Tough break after a 3 game winning streak to have all of your players on a bye. The good news is that the final 4 games are all against teams outside of the top 3, so it's certainly no stretch to think that this team could get in. Can pretty much bury TPG in week 10, so the game has a ton of importance for both teams. Surely, some of the teams above you will slip up.

9. RGIII for President (3-6): There's just nothing here to see. Never had any shot against TITTY, but likewise has games against some close competition. I think lack of moves has really hurt this team. Has basically the exact same team that was drafted, with the exception of Leonard Hankerson. Your match against Mike Y is massive, and a loss could seal a spot in the relegation battle.

10. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-6-1): Bad news for TPG and certainly in dire straits. If you can't beat the Stanky Monkeys in Week 10, I fear it will be too much to overcome. Can currently max out at 6-6-1, which could be good enough, but 5-7-1 likely won't be enough. The good news is you do have #1 waiver priority, so you can probably grab someone good to plug into your lineup. (See: top of page).  May I recommend getting on some hard shit and returning to Grotto's.


League 2

* 1. Darkest Norseman (7-2): Dosh has the first seed via tiebreaker. Looking extremely strong for a first round bye, and the winner of the showdown with Cutter is virtually assured of a bye. Already preparing for 2014 in League 1, but take care of business first. Has a playoff spot already locked up, so next goal must be a first round bye. Don't take these final games for granted.

* 2. Bo$$town Beasts (7-2): Pretty much in the same boat as Dosh. So far ahead of the pack right now, it's likely that Cutty will be preparing for a 2014 run at the White House. I told you that you needed to find a Running Back, and Zac Stacy could be the answer. With Manning and Welker through their bye weeks, and virtually the rest of the team, this team will be tough to beat down the stretch. Also has officially clinched a playoff spot.

3. Game On Dick Bag (5-3): Fantastic job taking down EEB in Week 9. Most likely too far behind to grab a bye, and probably far enough ahead that should be in the playoffs. This team is most likely looking at a wild card matchup. But beware, the teams behind you need to win, and they'll be able to take you out themselves. Prepare accordingly.

4. EEB Ventura (4-4-1): For the first time in a long time, no coaching blunders. Unfortunately a strong effort of 144 points just wasn't enough. Despite the record, this team is still barely hanging onto 6th highest scoring team in League 2. I wouldn't be surprised if the Desperate Tatz takes you out. I wouldn't feel safe at this point, and a bye is looking to be out of the question. It's amazing you were allowed to be in League 1 when you can't even hang down below.

5. Super Mario Brothers (4-4-1): Still hanging around the middle of the pack, but after a 4-2 start, Elliott is dropping quickly. Holding a game and a half on 7th place, but Ben surely is looking to right his ship. A loss in Week 10 blows things wide open. You do have a Tatz matchup in order for week 13, but it's possible that just ends up being a League 2 toilet bowl.

6. Street Pigeons (3-6): One win can turn your whole season around. The blog had left you for dead in previous weeks, but apparently you just needed a little Lobitz on your schedule, and it didn't even matter that Rodgers got hurt. I still think this team is a fraud and is far more likely to end up on the outside looking in, but make no mistake that win was huge for both you and Tatz. You could've both been 2 games back with 4 to play. Finishing with Cutter and Dosh sucks big time.

7. Jersey Leshoure (3-6): Remarkable that this team would miss the playoffs if they began today. It's unfortunate that you've lost twice to the Street Pigeons, as apparently you're the only team he can beat. Not even an injury to his QB on the first drive could help. You fully have the ability to play your way into the playoffs, and I expect it to happen. Losing 5 of 6 is a rough stretch for any team to go through.

8. Meat Collage (2-7): I got good news and I got bad news. The bad news is, I'm shuttin the studio down. The good news is, you're only a game out of a playoff spot, despite being 2-7. I'm going to have to strongly consider changing the playoff format if we can't get League 2 up to 10. Sure, you're struggling, but better days lie ahead. Thankfully, you have a matchup with EEB on deck. I think 5 wins might be enough to get the #6 team in.


League 2 already has 2 teams who have clinched a playoff berth. 7 is the magic number there, and surely that will drop as the weeks play out. Some teams are in desperate times, and none moreso than the matchup between TPG and the Stanky Monkeys. Neither team can afford to drop another game, but they must play.

Best of luck to everyone in Week 10.

The Final Rankings of 2013

Yes, that's right. I said it. This will be the final power rankings of 2013. Going forward, we'll have potential playoff standings, as a few teams including myself will be eliminated. I need to start preparing for League 2, because my team is garbage. Last week you saw me chugging Fireball on the blog in a Peterson jersey. This week you get to see me double fisting a beer and a syringe shot of Blue Hawaiian while dressed as a pterodactyl:

I have a decent amount of beef this week, even a top 3. Two were not good enough to be anointed beef of the week, but in no particular order:

Personal Beef: Chris Woody. Nobody gives me more criticism and grief about posting the blog. This is a thankless job. And to make matters worse, after beating my ass, it's "over/under blog words: 100". "over/under blog day: Thursday". "What's the beef of the week?" I DON'T KNOW! It's bad enough that you beat my team down, now you beat my blog down. Damnit!

Next Beef: Brandon Meriweather. What a pussy. Guy intentionally tries to injure people with helmet hits repeatedly and gets mad when he's told he can't do that. Now, it's "oh I can't hit high, so I'll need to take out a guy's ACL". How bout you don't try to ruin another human's life with a dirty play. Guy needs to be suspended for good. Disrespectful bitch. "They're targeting me". No shit, asshole.

Beef of the Week: "A Chip on My Shoulder"

Is there any more annoying phrase or commentary in all of sports. Oh, you were a Heisman winner, won a national championship, have an 11 inch penis, but you were drafted 2nd overall... Do you have a chip on your shoulder? "You know what, I do. I wanna make the Jaguars pay for not drafting me". Every fucking player in the NFL has a "chip on their shoulder" for someone that's slighted them. Guess what? Every person in the world has been slighted by someone else. If everyone in the world has a chip on their shoulder, it doesn't mean shit. Stop asking about it, stop talking about it. Nobody cares. If you need to be motivated by what some other asshole thinks of you, you have problems.


"You should call the blog this week 'Not As Bad As The Eagles'" - Chris Fusco.

Actually, I can't. Plenty of teams have a record that is worse than the Eagles, but still nobody has a record worse than the Giants. Congrats on beating a team's 3rd string QB by scoring no offensive TDs against the league's worst defense. In case you're keeping track, and I am, Eli Manning has a QB rating better than only Josh Freeman and Brandon Weeden. Yes, he's even worse than such clowns as Christian Ponder, Chad Henne, Matt Schaub, and Mike Glennon. Bills replacement UDFA Thad Lewis too! But you can't bench golden boy.

Here's how I spent my Monday. This is what happens when your fantasy team sucks balls. Somehow, this worked out.

League 1

Interesting developments across the league. Yashar can't find a win while the bottom of the standings are extremely close. It appears 5 teams will be vying for 1 playoff spot, and they are all within a half game of each other. This one isn't going to be settled for awhile.

We have a little bit of a shakeup in the rankings this week. Don't be alarmed.

1. The King's Crusaders (5-3) - Last week: 4

Once this team gets past the bye weeks, I think the King will emerge as a serious contender. Above the League 1 Mason-Dixon line, so should be in pretty decent shape to make a run. If Kaepernick can figure things out, I like this team's depth. Still has to play Yashar twice, but has league cupcakes Geno 911 and Threeing the Hogs still on the schedule. That's outstanding.

2. Team Toliver (6-2) - Last week: 1

Finally knocked off his perch, Yashar is riding a nice 2 game losing streak. Apparently I jinxed his team by calling out Peyton Manning. I have my own team's woes to figure out. Don't pin this on me. I still can't believe how much the Julio loss hurts, but there are plenty of options on this team. Could certainly use a big waiver pickup to improve things across the board.

3. Stanky Monkeys (3-5) - Last week: 5

I certainly didn't see this coming, but Calvin Johnson is unstoppable. Guy has scored 86 points in the past two weeks and single-handedly turned the Monkeys season around. Of course his entire team goes immediately into a bye, but there's definitely hope here. This is the highest scoring team in the EFFL over the past 4 weeks, so I wouldn't be too enthused to play this squad. I'm glad Lou isn't buried in the basement.

4. Tweeting in the Trenches (5-3) - Last week: 2

Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn. Over the past 4 seasons, TITTY has completed just 1 trade. Apparently this team is content with sacrificing games. I think this team is actually respectable, but the owner is just a complete tool. This is probably where you'd peak in the power rankings. Just change your team name to Antonio Johnson and end it. Not worthy of the great TITTY name.

5. Lady Luck (5-3) - Last week: 3

I did say you were the 3rd best team last week, and it's hard to penalize you for having your good players on a bye, but there's a reason depth is important. I know you've never had a player get injured, but it's bound to happen one year. Words can't express how ecstatic I am that you'll have your best 2 guys going on Monday night against me. Still not sure this team is a serious contender, but you're definitely solid. Room for improvement.

6. Dueling Pylons (2-5-1) - Last week: 7

Here's where things really start to drop off. Be certain, the Pylons are really no better than any other team in the league, but somebody must end up in this spot. This team just can't seem to put it all together. Boom or bust teams rarely work out, so this team probably has no legitimate chance of winning anything. But there still is the possibility of avoiding relegation, so perhaps a couple wins will be enough to get this team over the hump.

7. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-5-1) - Last week: 9

Gave it to Mike Y pretty hard. Rolled the dice yet again on McFadden and finally it worked out. Marques Colston, however, has to be one of the most disappointing players in all of fantasy. Right next to CJ Spiller. I always believe it's the middle rounds that win you the championships, and unfortunately for TPG, in the words of Jamie Foxx, "I was unaware how fine you was before my buzz set in". Mike Wallace + Marques Colston = Beer Goggles.

8. RGIII for President (3-5) - Last week: 8

2 weeks in a row Darryl has started an inactive Running Back. Shame on you. I hope you like the Packers, because that's all that's saving you right now. Marshawn Lynch could help, but he's all over the place. That's his 3rd game with 6 points or fewer. I think this team will be in it until the end, but could ultimately fall short. I hope you give it to TITTY this week.

9. Threeing the Hogs (3-5) - Last week: 6

The only top 10 option this team has at QB, RB or WR is #7 QB Philip Rivers. Yikes. It's remarkable how much the Chiefs D has helped this team. I don't think you can rely on a defense forever, especially when weeks 10-13 include a bye, 2 matchups with Peyton Manning, and 1 with the aforementioned Philip Rivers. This team is in trouble, and it would truly be a shock to see them make the playoffs. Not the easiest of schedules either

10. Geno 911 (5-3) - Last week: 10

Here's a fun fact. In Nick's 5 wins, his opponents have scored an average of 108.8 points per game. That's ridiculously lucky. This is by far the worst roster in the league. Look at the Week 9 starters: Romo, Fred Jackson, Alfred Morris, Jarrett Boykin, Brian Hartline, Nate Washington, Scott Chandler. You've gotta be kidding me. The King's entire team is on a bye, and he's still gonna smoke you. Nobody would even consider trading for anyone on your team. It's a disgrace to the league that you're 5-3.


League 2

Ben picked up a huge win in his quest for the final playoff spot against Tatz. Meanwhile, EEB panicked, didn't follow the strategy of his mentor Chris Woody and ended up with the first tie of the League 2 season. Yet again, panic and coaching do not mix.

1. Darkest Norseman (6-2) - Last week: 1

Was able to hold on despite a furious Golden Tate rally. It's the sign of a great team to fight through your best players being on a bye and still emerge victorious. Dosh has the #7 and 8 QB, #2, 7 and 8 RB, #2 and 9 WR, and #2 TE. This team is stacked, and there's a possibility they can clinch a playoff berth in week 9. Well done.

2. Bo$$town Beasts (6-2) - Last week: 2

The battle with Dosh continues, and you'll get to settle your differences in Week 10. After a disappointing showing last week, returned with a vengeance and crushed Young Meech. I still think this team may be the overall favorite. Manning, Welker, Jordy, Antonio Brown, Gates, Graham is ridiculous. If any of your RBs get it together, you have a real shot at taking it all. Would be a shock to me to not see this team promoted to League 1.

3. Jersey Leshoure (3-5) - Last week: 4

It would be wrong to commend Stanky Monkeys on their Tron success and not you. Even with terrible games from Gronk and Julius, still put up 165 points and took care of business. It looks to me like this team is on the rise, and finally broke the streak of single digit losses. Remaining schedule looks rather favorable, but having to play Cutter in week 13 looms large. Don't leave your season up to that game.

4. Team Meat Collage (2-6) - Last week: 6

It shocked me too, but this is actually the only team across both leagues that has dropped 120+ 5 weeks running. This team's record certainly does not justify the performance. Unfortunately this team, like the Cowboys, does not believe in defense. The bad news for Tatz is that he still must face the top 3 teams in the power rankings, so unfortunately there's not much margin for error. Things could turn sour quickly.

5. Game on Dick Bag (4-4) - Last week: 3

Came up just short in a bid to take down Dosh. At full strength, I think this is a contender, but the bye weeks are killing Sam. The good news is that if this team does make the playoffs, I think they can certainly make some noise. Stafford, Forte, and McCoy is a very solid combo it appears, so I'd expect an improvement sooner rather than later. Luckily for you, you have the weakest remaining schedule including 2 matchups against lowly EEB Ventura.

6. EEB Ventura (4-3-1) - Last week: 5

I thought this team was solid, but I was severely mistaken. I keep forgetting that there's a reason that EEB resides in League 2, and that's poor management. The ultimate slap in the face, ended with a tie, but he must feel lucky to even escape with that. You're never going to win anything with a bunch of above average players. Make a move, because you have no chance against the top teams. The good news is, we'll most likely get to face each other in League 2 next year.

7. Super Mario Brothers (4-3-1) - Last week: 7

Are you trying to rival Gambino for worst starting lineup? If you're somehow able to take down Cutty this week, it will probably be the biggest upset in the EFFL this year. Imagine how much worse it could have been had you not made the Julio trade. I'm glad you were able to tie EEB. He was talking all kinds of smack about you at the draft.

8. Street Pigeons (2-6) - Last week: 8

Continues to be at the bottom of the standings, but your brother has a long ways to go to catch you in points for worst in the league. Last week was a rough week with the byes so hopefully things turn around. The schedule is remarkably tough down the stretch, and this week against Ben may be a must win to save your season. Falling behind by 2 games with 4 to play and virtually no tiebreakers is probably too much to overcome.


Good luck to everyone in Week 9. I can't believe we're this far into the season. Perhaps the playoff picture in League 2 will clear up a little bit after this week, but League 1 looks like nothing will be decided until the very end.