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All About My Billz

Two Weezy references this week in the NFL. Sammy Watkins is a weekly Weezy reference. http://i.ytimg.com/vi/2bjawRpa45s/0.jpg. And on a completion to Dwayne Allen, the announcer identified him as "Dwayne Wayne".

I didn't even know where to start the blog this week. This is one of those weeks where reality sets in. It's time to admit your faults, cut your losses, and move on. This is true in both fantasy football and real football. Here are some typical examples.

- Rex Ryan is an idiot. Fire his ass and move on. He sucks so bad and always acts like everyone's against him.

- Derek Carr is not a franchise QB. Cut him and move on.

- Charlie Whitehurst has no business playing football. Cut him and move on.

- Michael Crabtree is a sorry ass receiver. Woody, please keep using him.

- I will no longer be using Reggie Bush.

- Kyle Orton has shaved all facial hair. Cut him and move on.


Most of all, the Browns came crashing back down to reality, getting absolutely embarrassed by the winless Jaguars. Browns fans appear to be the best in football at providing entertainment for the rest of us. I usually don't link to stories, but this one is just so funny and appropriate: http://deadspin.com/heres-an-unconscious-browns-fan-in-the-jacksonville-par-1648239796

Top comments:

- He's got a Frye jersey on and his team just lost to the Jaguars. This is the correct response to that situation.

- That is Charlie Frye.

This is a Browns fan. Now, for Jaguars fans:

This is actually happening in Jacksonville. Great idea or greatest idea ever? The 2015 EFFL Draft will be taking place at the pool in Everbank Field in Jacksonville. See you there.


******* LEAGUE NOTE **********

League members: Be aware that due to the NFL's ridiculous scheduling, the Lions and Falcons will play at 9:30 AM EASTERN SUNDAY . The 1 PM Add/Drop rule holds, but in case you need to make any lineup decisions with players on those teams, they must be made by 9:30. I guarantee many are not aware of this start time.

Who wasn't a fan of Chris Berman's nicknames back in the day before he went to the well one too many times? Natrone Means Business, Jon Kitna Kaboodle, and Eric "Sleeping With" Bienemy were some of his all time classics. If he was still doing this gag, I would hope he would take advantage of the low hanging fruit out there for arguably one of his greatest puns... namely Patriots receiver Brian "Don't Scuff My" Tyms.

And what the fuck is wrong with Joseph Randle? Guy needs to steal some undies and cologne? There's no chance that security camera is going to see you sneaking a tester bottle into your bag. And the funniest part of the whole Randle shoplifting thing is what the officers found in his bag. Ironically, the cologne he stole was Gucci Guilty. Had his plea written right on the bottle. I'm still waiting for a shoplifting crime funnier than crab legs. This was pretty good.

Mini-Beef: Al Michaels... The guy continues to pronounce players' names incorrectly. He can't (refuses to) say the word Manning correctly. He can't say Crabtree either. Look, I get it. You're from New Yawk. BUT YOU'RE INTENTIONALLY PRONOUNCING NAMES WRONG! How does his employer let him get away with it? You know how I know he's saying Manning wrong? Because the guy named Manning doesn't say it that way, Al. You're entitled to add an R to the end of every word. You're even entitled to say things like Bronco Defense and Bear Offense, even though that's clearly inaccurate. But why are you pronouncing players' names wrong? WHY?

I also do not care if I had the exact same beef last November.  He refuses to listen and it just validates the criticism.

I'm also not even going to go in on Sean Payton again because the guy just doesn't get it. 9 targets to Travaris Cadet on 20 snaps is perpetuating domestic violence.


Beef of the Week: The West Virginia Mountaineers

I'm taking my beef outside of the professional game this week. I think many of you know where this is going.

The date was December 1, 2007. TPG and the Pylons had traveled to wonderful, wild, West Virginia to see some shit. Temperatures were well below freezing. The moonshine was flowing and fried bologna was the dish of choice. The #2 Mountaineers at 10-1 were 28.5 point home favorites hosting the unranked Pitt Panthers. A win would send the Mountaineers to the national championship game. Blackouts would be encountered. Couches would be burned. People would be impregnated. It was supposed to be the party of the century.

But the football gods were not with us that day. As 5 EFFL members witnessed collectively in horror, LeSean McCoy rushed 38 times as Pitt defeated West Virginia 13-9, in one of the worst football games in history. The crowd of over 60,000 left the stadium in stunned silence (except for a sly snicker from TPG). The game was voted by ESPN as one of the 15 biggest collapses in college football history and sent shockwaves across the country.

7 years later, the Mountaineers took out #4 Baylor this past Saturday. It was their first win over a Top 5 team since the bowl game following that 2007 loss. Fans celebrated wildly. Tear gas was brought out. Couches were burned. THAT WAS MY FUCKING CELEBRATION!!! Now you can win?!?!? In a meaningless game? That was 7 years of frustration absolutely unleashed on the streets of Morgantown. I'm pissed. You can never go back.

Let's get to the fucking power rankings. Fuck.


14. The Smokin' Jays (0-7) (Last week: 14): I'm going to keep bringing this up until you win a game. 13 straight losses and counting, breaking the EFFL record held by Stanky Monkeys. It's now been a full calendar year since the last victory. That's Lions territory. Get a red hot Tatz in Week 8, so staring 0-8 in the face. The showdown with Yashar might be your only chance. DO NOT TRADE JAMAAL CHARLES TO YOUR BROTHER.

13. Team Toliver (1-6) (Last week: 13): Curiously started an inactive Calvin Johnson. Thought things might be different after a ridiculous game from Nick Fizzolk. Unfortunately the Niners look like doo doo, and as an extension, so does your team. Hope is fading quickly. At least you get Sam in week 9, but losing to Cutter was a huge blow. With the Niners on a bye in Week 8 and Pierre and Tron banged up, it might be tough to even field a team.

12. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-4) (Last week: 12): Should feel lucky to be at 3-4. Demaryius is on one of the more wild heaters we've seen in awhile. 107 fantasy points in the last 3 games is absolutely absurd. You actually made some nice pickups in Davante Adams and OBJ, so that will serve you well. Shows the importance of being active on the wire since Zac Stacy doesn't even play anymore. You've got a shot.

11. Dueling Pylons (3-4) (Last week: 10): Yet another frustrating week for the Pylons. The fucking owner can't get out of his own way. Terrible lineup decisions, as the bench dropped 112 points. With the optimal lineup, the Pylons could have maxed out at 141 points with the right lineup combo and gotten the win. Had arguably the worst start to the draft of any team, but rebounded nicely during the blackout phase of the draft. Will keep in mind for 2015.

10. Pork Chop Express (4-3) (Last week: 9): I still don't see it. Luck and Dez did their usual thing, and the rest of the roster did as well. Scrubs Keenan Allen and Bishop Sankey combined for 16 points. You might want to heed the advice at the top of the blog. This team should be getting some players back from injury at some point (probably when you play me), but right now I think this team needs to be cautious.

9. Geno 911 (4-3) (Last week: 6): Clearly was way too high in the rankings last week. This team of old guys put up a pathetic performance in Week 7, and there could be more where that came from. The real concern is that none of your starters other than broken Jimmy Graham have had their bye week yet. Weeks 10 and 11 are going to be pretty rough, so you might want to pick up the wins now. Thankfully the Pylons come to town in Week 8.

8. Bo$$town Cutter (3-4) (Last week: 11): Nice jump this week for the Billz. The real reason is not because of what happened, but what should happen. The Percy Harvin trade was huge for Doug Baldwin, and it looks like he could have a huge 2nd half. Ronnie Hillman is also looking pretty solid. Everybody has a Broncos combo. Getting Baldwin in for Frank Gore makes this team look more solid than it has in awhile.

7. DA BEARDS (6-1) (Last week: 6): The luck continues for D-Weeze. Nobody on your team really did anything, but still emerged victorious yet again. Having a lot of rookies can be a good thing, but one thing is certain: they're inconsistent. There will be some nice weeks, but on a week-to-week basis, you don't know what to expect. Thankfully for you, Rodgers is on fire right now, but Lynch is not getting it done. I think the King could come in and surprise next week.

6. Tequila Party Gnomes (4-3) (Last week: 7): Your team is better than Dosh's. Used 2 Bengals and they got shut out. That's unfortunate. Also lost CJ Spiller for the season to a broken collarbone. You'll no longer be tempted to start him, so it's a blessing in disguise. Sammy Watkins looks legit, tho. I remain concerned about your depth and lack of action on the waiver wire. But you have good starters. Good enough to contend, I think.

5. The King's Crusaders (2-5) (Last week: 4): Really tough loss for the King, and I think it's time to start recognizing that this team may not be who we thought they were. McCoy and Maclin were on a bye, yes, but that's no excuse. It wouldn't have mattered anyway. Every year there's one team that continues to take it on the chin on defense. That was already the 4th time you've allowed over 135 points. I'm sorry. It makes fantasy football not fun.

4. Stanky Monkeys (4-3) (Last week: 3): Really disappointing week from the Monkeys despite another monster Forte performance. As is the case with Pork Chop, your first two picks worked out great, but the other pieces need to step up. The Fred Jackson injury definitely hurts, but I think better days lie ahead. Pretty much your entire team had their worst game of the season. Things will get better.

3. Big Brother's Bitch (4-3) (Last week: 5): Still hovering in the top 5, this team finally put together a nice week. Reggie Wayne's performances have to be a little concerning at this point, but Lamar Miller is playing very well. As is the case with a number of other teams the depth is concerning, and I haven't seen much impact from anybody added via waivers. Julio will play better, and this team will do better. At 4-3, definitely one of the better teams in the league.

2. A Lot O'Tatz (5-2) (Last week: 2): Clearly a premier team in the 2014 EFFL, and certainly in play for the 1st round bye as well as top points. I've said it since after the draft, and have been saying it for 7 weeks. Absolutely no running back. It's holding you back. Definitely right there with Tatz for best team in the league. Golden Tate has been phenomenal as has T.Y. Hilton. Still dropped 120+ on the Pylons with Julius only scoring 6 points. Can't wait for your matchup with Tatz in Week 9.

1. Team Bartholomew (6-1) (Last week: 1): Another day, another dollar. Jeremy Hill and Cecil Shorts did absolutely nothing. Still puts up 120. AJ Green refuses to see his team go in the shitter, so he'll be back soon. It sucks you can't trust Kendall Wright. 26 points, 1 point, 18 points. That's a trainwreck. Another team that hasn't had any byes yet, but the rest of the schedule looks cushy. You've already played #3, 4, and 5 in the power rankings.


Week 8 Matchups

#1 Team Bartholomew (6-1) v. #14 The Smokin' Jays (0-7)
#2 A Lot O'Tatz (5-2) v. #8 Bo$$town Cutter (3-4)
#3 Big Brother's Bitch (4-3) v. #12 Tweeting in the Trenches (3-4)
#4 Stanky Monkeys (4-3) v. #13 Team Toliver (1-6)
#5 The King's Crusaders (2-5) v. #7 DA BEARDS (6-1)
#6 Tequila Party Gnomes (4-3) v. #10 Pork Chop Express (4-3)
#9 Geno 911 (4-3) v. #11 Dueling Pylons (3-4)

The Smokin' Jays and Team Toliver need to get some wins. With the playoff cutoff right now at 4 wins, time is running out to bridge the gap. Even winning out might not be enough at this point. And for fun, I'll add some predictions.

Winners:

I like Team Bartholomew to move to 7-1 while sending the Smokin Jays to 0-8 and the brink of playoff elimination.

I like Bo$$town Cutter to upset A Lot O'Tatz with a surprising Week 8 blowup.

Big Brother's Bitch should handle TITTY well and continue to rise.

Anything less than a victory for the Stanky Monkeys will be a massive shock with San Fran on a bye.

As indicated above, I think the King gets back into contention with a victory over DA BEARDS. Dosh also should change his team name given he's shaved. One of his boys referred to him as "Papi Champagne".

TPG and Pork Chop is my game of the week. Each team with a lot to prove still, but I think TPG takes it.

And the Pylons WILL rebound against Geno 911. One of the most heated rivalries in the EFFL, the Pylons are 10-1-1 against Geno in the last 12 meetings dating back to 2007.


Good luck in Week 8. Looking forward to another exciting week.

Haters Wanna Hate, Lovers Wanna Love...

Where's the blog?!?!? Are you alive?!?!? Yes, I am alive, and I am sorry that the blog had to wait this week. Occasionally real life responsibilities get in the way. I'll try to avoid such nonsense in the future.

You all know what went down. The Eagles absolutely whooped up on the Giants after the Giants did nothing but talk shit all week. JPP said the Eagles could easily be 0-4 instead of 4-1... and then the Daily News has the nerve to run an article that "shows employees cheering the Victor Cruz injury". The picture was snapped within an instant of the ball going over Cruz's head. No way they could know yet that he was injured. I didn't think such garbage slander was posted in legitimate newspapers. But that's fine. A win is a win.

This is just funny to me. Jameis approved.

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It's alarming how many bad teams there are in the NFL. Not like it's a surprise, but it's a complete joke. The Redskins, Rams, Jets, Raiders, Jaguars, and Bucs are a combined 4-30. Of those 4 wins, the Rams beat the Bucs, the Jets beat the Raiders, the Redskins beat the Jaguars, and the Bucs miraculously beat the Steelers on a last second play. If not for that final play, these 6 teams would be a combined 0-28 against the rest of the league instead of 1-27. It's a bad product, and there's not enough talent to go around. But the league will keep shoving this garbage down your throat until you stop watching.

Also funny to me was Julius Thomas scoring a TD against the Jets and screaming "IT'S SO FUCKING EASY". It is, Julius... You're playing the Jets.

You may have gone to sleep Monday night to avoid more garbage Rams in prime time, but Team Toliver finally got their first win of the season in dramatic fashion. A 46 point deficit with Kaepernick and Anquan Boldin against Zac Stacy was not too tall a task. Nobody wants to be winless, but we now have a favorite for 2015 costume wearer.

Beef of the Week: Stadium Fights

This shit has been happening way too often lately. Tailgating is fun as shit. You get to drink all the beer, make runs to a port-o-potty (or use your car door as a shield), and cook frozen meat with absolutely no seasoning. The last time I tailgated, I was chugging Fireball and had chest pains the entire next day. It's a great time. So why at a fucking Packers-Dolphins game is there a parking lot brawl?

What could have possibly been said?!?!?? FUCK YOU MAN! Davante Adams is gonna be a better pro than Jarvis Landry!! I mean these teams have absolutely no connection whatsoever. It's just uncalled for. Unless you get peed on. That's basically it. This just happened in San Francisco. Guy taps other guy on the shoulder to let him know there's a free stall. He winds up partially paralyzed because some cholo in a Frank Gore jersey decides that's worthy of a beating. Keep it civil. I just don't get it. Go to the game, enjoy yourself and come home not in jail or minus some blood.


Things are starting to take shape through 6 weeks as one team has been pushed to the brink already. But there are others not too far behind. Let's get it.

Power Rankings

14. The Smokin' Jays (0-6) (Last week: 14): Another week. Another loss. Actually put together a pretty solid week, but ran into a red hot buzzsaw in EEB. That 42 points is the most Torrey Smith and Larry Fitzergald will combine for the entire season. I guarantee it. 2 year losing streak now at 12 games, and I don't see an end in sight unfortunately. With Mike Y and Tatz in the next 2, 0-8 is a real possibility. Playoffs are almost certainly out of the question, but avoiding the costume is not.

13. Team Toliver (1-5) (Last week: 13): Hooray! Finally picked up win #1 in dramatic fashion. You have Cutter and Sam in the next 3 weeks, so you're not out of this thing yet. Still only 2 games out of a playoff spot with 7 to play, so keep your head up. I'm sorry for texting you. I was not trying to jinx you. At least you have an excuse with all of the injuries. Hopefully your team will start to get more healthy and things will turn around. Don't start Jets. It's a terrible idea. Also, through 6 games, Danny Amendola has a total of 5 fantasy points. And you get points for catches.

12. Tweeting in the Trenches (2-4) (Last week: 9): I don't know what to do with this team. I thought it was bad, then it explodes. I thought it was better, and it's really not. TITTY is the lowest scoring team in the league, averaging just 93 points a game. This team has nothing but Demaryius, and that's the reality. I don't think you're going to make the playoffs without making some moves. I've also received multiple complaints from league members about you carrying too many defenses. Perhaps you can deal one of those.

11. Bo$$town Cutter (2-4) (Last week: 8): Another team I probably had too high last week. I think some of the shine has worn off the Cutter squad. The secondary pieces are just not there. I still can't believe Larry Donnell dropped 30 points on me. I've never heard anyone in my life ever kick themselves over not trading for a kicker until this week. You learn something new every week. I think Sanders will have better games, and I think you're ahead of the bottom 3 teams right now.

10. Dueling Pylons (3-3) (Last week: 12): It appears the Pylons may finally be getting their shit together. Gronk appears his usual self and Mohamed Sanu looks like he could be a keeper. After the Peterson debacle, the Pylons have reconfigured their roster based on one fact alone: Do you date a white girl? Floyd, Sanu and Cooks all fit the bill. This team has faced too much adversity to be involved in any more off the field scandals. Unfortunately, for this team to be a contender, the guys on the bench are going to have to step it up.

9. Pork Chop Express (4-2) (Last week: 11): I didn't think you were going to pull out the victory, but there it is! You should just cut Keenan Allen so you're not tempted to use him. I asked, and you couldn't answer. Why does a guy in San Diego play wearing long sleeves? It makes no sense. I could see your team moving up as the season goes on, but the consistency just isn't there yet. Will be nice to see if Jordan Cameron gets his act together.

8. DA BEARDS (5-1) (Last week: 6): The luck finally ran out this week. To make matters worse, lost Victor Cruz to injury. I think 8 is awfully generous at this point. Rodgers and Lynch should carry this squad, but as I've said all along, where are the other points going to come from. Maybe I'm being naive in not trusting Kelvin Benjamin, but I think you'll remain competitive. The record is not indicative of the strength of this squad I believe.

7. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-3) (Last week: 7): You indicated to me that you'd sacrifice a fantasy defeat to the Pylons for an Eagles win. I appreciate that. I'm starting to get a little bit concerned about TPG. Spiller and the Bengals D combined for -3 points. Foster and Gio are out there killing it, but it appears the Bills well has run dry. I still think there is potential for big weeks ahead, but I want to see something first. Your next 3 opponents are a combined 13-5, so this will be a telling stretch.

6. Geno 911 (4-2) (Last week: 10): I've said it since the beginning. I think Steve Smith might be the steal of the draft. He's unstoppable. As has frequently been the case, he's been outstanding when the team is committed to getting him the ball. Romo sucks. Doug Martin sucks. But I think overall this is an above average team. Given that, #6 sounds appropriate. Also, don't trust Brandon LaFell. Guy is as inconsistent as they come.

5. Big Brother's Bitch (3-3) (Last week: 5): #5 might again be a little bit generous at this point, especially since you just got clowned by Gambino. Had a disaster of a week, but there's nothing you could have done. Things should get better with Brees back, but he's quietly had a pretty disappointing season. Too much Redskins for my liking. As "good" as Andre Ellington has been, he's only had one week with 15 points or more. That has to improve for this team to succeed.

4. The King's Crusaders (2-4) (Last week: 4): I'm starting to waver on the quality of this squad, but going forward I still lean towards this team being better than some right below. Teams have dropped over 125 PPG on you, which is just unfair. McCoy finally got going, but it was at the expense of Maclin. It's fair to wonder whether both can be successful in the same game. Percy Harvin stinks. He's got a total of 74 receiving yards in his last 4 games. But Jordan Reed looked good, so there's something.

3. Stanky Monkeys (4-2) (Last week: 3): I don't think it's any coincidence that the top 3 teams in the EFFL Power Rankings were the top 3 scoring teams in Week 6. The Forte/Jordy combo is absolutely killing it right now. And all of that is without Matt Ryan doing that well. Even better news for you is that the Bills appear fed up with Spiller and are using Fred Jackson like a machine. The guy is gonna be 34 in February, and he's still a top 10 RB. Not even LT did that at that age. Although I'm not sure that having 3 Rams is the way to go.

2. A Lot O'Tatz (4-2) (Last week: 2): Yes, there is a lot o'Tatz at the top of the rankings. Refused to break up the Manning/Julius combo, and that certainly looks like the right move at this point. Julius is only on pace for 29 Touchdowns. If I set a line right now at 19.5 TDs, would anyone dare take the under? TY Hilton looks great, too. You're pretty close to #1 right now, honestly. Let's see a little more consistency from the secondary pieces, and it could happen.

1. Team Bartholomew (5-1) (Last week: 1): I don't know how long DeMarco can do it. Steven Jackson and Kendall Wright combined for 3 points, AJ Green is injured, and still put up almost 150. Now Ridley is out for the year, which opens the door for Shane Vereen. I thought you drafted well, you have the best record in the league,and are right at the top of highest scoring teams in the league. I don't see any reason why that wouldn't continue. And you have this;

Week 7 Matchups

#1 Team Bartholomew (5-1) v. #9 Pork Chop Express (4-2)
#2 A Lot O'Tatz (4-2) v. #10 Dueling Pylons (3-3)
#3 Stanky Monkeys (4-2) v. #7 Tequila Party Gnomes (3-3)
#4 The King's Crusaders (2-4) v. #12 Tweeting in the Trenches (2-4)
#5 Big Brother's Bitch (3-3) v. #14 The Smokin' Jays (0-6)
#6 Geno 911 (4-2) v. #8 DA BEARDS (5-1)
#11 Bo$$town Cutter (2-4) v. #13 Team Toliver (1-5)

Some big matchups this week with playoff implications. King v TITTY and Cutty v Yashar could put a couple teams in a bad way. Best of luck in Week 7. Only a couple more weeks until the playoff preview.

Long As My Bitches Love Me

This was one of those weeks where I was up late blogging. With so much hanging in the balance, I had to see how it turned out. The result was one of the best plays I've ever seen. Marshawn Lynch's miraculous 30 yard catch and run gave Dosh a 1 point lead and victory over Ben to keep him undefeated. The play was absolutely insane. Here's the video if you didn't stay up to see the play.

http://www.nfl.com/videos/nfl-game-highlights/0ap3000000406997/Wk-5-Can-t-Miss-Play-Hustle-Wilson

Mike Tirico absolutely blew his load everywhere, and there were so many missed penalties on that play. Only Dosh. And Cutter had Doug Baldwin come through to pick up a surprising victory. Amazingly, 10 of 14 teams are 2-3 or 3-2. If you expect things to be settled before Week 13, it's highly unlikely to happen.

0-5 is not a good look. And unfortunately for two league members, that's the position they're in. But there are plenty of weeks left in the season. I guarantee the Jets and Jaguars are worse off than you two. They have no hope. And they're complete laughing stocks. It's blatantly obvious that a league like the NBA has way too many teams. There's just not enough talent to go around. I'm starting to wonder if the same is true about the NFL. Maybe it's incompetent GMs. Maybe there truly isn't the talent. But it's alarming that when teams draft in reverse standings order, that teams still can't get enough players to compete. It makes no sense.

No fewer than 3 EFFL games were hanging in the balance in the 4th quarter of Monday night's game. That's awesome. That's exciting stuff.

There weren't many funny GIFs or players telling the opponents to mow their lawn this week. I do think it's funny, however, that there are multiple name to name combos in the league. Seattle has Wilson to Willson. Green Bay has Rodgers to Rodgers. Just a fun fact. I also think that offensive lineman JR Sweezy has the best name in football. But let's get beefin. It's bad this week.

Beef of the Week: Detroit Lions

I got absolutely obliterated on Sunday. I acted like a complete fool as the day went on. 10+ hours of drinking. My girlfriend wanted to kill me. The more I think about it, the more I convince myself that the Lions are to blame. This team is supposed to be the lovable losers. I still have my 2008 Lions pocket schedule. I don't even think they make those things anymore, but it's a celebration of the only winless season since the league expanded to 16 games. I treasure it.

What the fuck is this team trying to do to the fans?

Jim Caldwell is the most boring man in football. He looks like a fat Mike Tyson. The guy is completely, utterly, beyond clueless. How do you blow a two TD lead at home to the Bills? That's just unfathomable. The Bills! The Bills are so incompetent that they benched LAST YEAR's 1st round pick for a guy who was sitting at home on his couch. Kyle Orton is known more for his neck beard than anything he's done on the football field.

Here's a list of actual things that happened:

- The Lions signed former Eagles kicker Alex Henery. What did it take for Henery to lose his job in the preseason? A guy making one 51 yard field goal. One. He was so bad, the Eagles surely would've signed an EFFL member if they could nail a 50 yarder. The Lions love Eagles retreads, so naturally they bring in this scrub. He promptly misses 3 field goals. In a dome. He was cut before the game ended.

- Somebody in the stands had a green laser pointer. Who doesn't love green laser pointer during sporting events? The Lions had help from the fans, very possibly causing a missed field goal and possible interception. It still didn't matter.

- Some guy named George Winn, out of football last year and never before touching the ball in an NFL game, was the focal point of the offense. What in the world is that game plan? In the first quarter, Reggie Bush was ripping off 30 yard catch and runs, and they chose to keep him on the sideline in favor of Winn while Bush was still healthy. It didn't work.

- Reggie Bush injured himself and had to be removed from the game.

- Calvin Johnson injured himself and had to be removed from the game.

- The Lions called 40 pass plays against 17 runs while never trailing in the game until 4 seconds remained in the game.

- The team went 1-11 on 3rd down.

- A total of 2 players had more than 17 yards receiving, and one of those two had 0.

All of the above happened, and STILL the team had a shot to kick a game winning field goal with just 25 seconds left. Henery missed. The Bills then immediately hit a 20 yard pass, and Dan Carpenter nailed a game winning 58 yard field goal. It was absolutely gut wrenching. I can't imagine how Lions fans are feeling. That's the type of game that makes you want to quit football.

*** ETA ***

I almost forgot the most important part of the whole story. Following the Carpenter field goal, Bills defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz was carried off the field on the shoulders of Bills players. If that name sounds familiar, it's because Schwartz was the Lions previous coach, They carried the ex-coach off the field on his former turf!

I also already hate Odell Beckham Jr. Guy acted like a complete fool after every catch. Fits in perfectly with the Giants. On to the power rankings.


Power Rankings

14. The Smokin' Jays (0-5) (Last week: 14): This team has shown absolutely no signs of life. And to make matters worse, arguably the team's best player, Rashad Jennings, went down with a sprained MCL. Perfect timing with Jamaal Charles on a bye next week. Lot O'Tatz comes to town next week, and certainly staring 0-6 in the face. Now lost 11 straight games dating back to last season. What has happened to this past league champion?

13. Team Toliver (0-5) (Last week: 12): Week 1 was great. It's been a disaster since then. And just like the Jays, lost their best player to injury. Pierre Thomas finally showed up with a 30 point week after Sean Payton read my beef of the week. Next week? Bye. The trip to Europe was no doubt more fun than this fantasy season. This team needs to hit the waiver wire hard. And finally cut bait on the Redskins backup kicker.

12. Dueling Pylons (2-3) (Last week: 10): The Pylons have fallen on hard times. Teams continue to unload on the Pylons, but that's no excuse. Wasted a glorious Russell Wilson performance. This team just isn't that good right now. The WR position is saddled with inconsistency and lost 2 starting running backs to injury. The good news, at least, is that Gronk finally looks healthy and is very strong at the QB position. If Justin Hunter can get it together, it might help. TPG, EEB and Geno 911 the next 3 weeks. Time to put up or shut up.

11. Pork Chop Express (3-2) (Last week: 9): What a brutal loss. Just brutal. Picked up Donald Brown. He promptly got injured. Eric Decker may have a giant penis, but he sure is a pussy. The 6 RBs on this roster combined for 6 fantasy points. You might want to address that. I'll keep pointing to draft night. The same thing happens every single year. Tatz shows up with whiskey. He's a bear, so he's not affected whatsoever. Matt has some and it takes him about 6-8 rounds to feel it. You get in, black out by Round 4, and have to be removed from the draft. Gonna be the Luck and Dez show all season.

10. Geno 911 (3-2) (Last week: 8): I guess you wanted to make sure I dropped you in the rankings? I considered placing you even lower, and surely you'll make your way there soon. Amazing what happens when Jimmy Graham and Steve Smith don't put up 30 points. Got absolutely bailed out by DeSean on Monday night. Other than Graham, if you asked people to draft a team of players nobody wants, it would be this team. What can I say about this roster that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan... it looks bombed out and depleted.

9. Tweeting in the Trenches (2-3) (Last week: 13): Of course I said I "didn't see the upside" and Demaryius drops a 42 point bomb. He could've had another 70 yard TD too! That would've given him 56 points. Unreal. Clearly won the Stafford-Ball trade with the Pylons. Can't believe I bailed you out like that. Getting absolutely nothing from the RB position right now, but Andre Williams could end up being a huge pickup. Bet Pork Chop wishes he hadn't cut bait so soon.

8. Bo$$town Cutter (2-3) (Last week: 11): Another of course moment. Of course Larry Donnell drops 30 points on me and follows it up with a big fat 0. I'm a little concerned that this is the best your team can play. I'm cautiously optimistic right now. I can't even imagine how much you enjoyed Brady playing hot potato with Edelman. And if Riley Cooper has finally decided he wants to play, that could be a big boost. Trending up after a slow start.

7. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-2) (Last week: 7): The fantasy gods giveth and the fantasy gods taketh away. After getting a very lucky win last week, took a Lot O'Tatz to the face. Poor EEB just kept giving it to you. Foles looked like doodie yet again, and Spiller had a classic 10 carry, 8 yard performance. I'll let you borrow the jersey if you want. I thought you had it right starting a D against Brady, but it wasn't to be. Things will get better in a hurry as we face off in Week 6.

6. DA BEARDS (5-0) (Last week: 5): I still don't understand why you deserve to move up. Your opponents have scored an average of 94.4 points against you. You should feel fortunate to have the record you do. Nobody wants Marques Colston. I just don't have any idea how you can keep up the record. But wins are wins, and once you have them, you avoid wearing a costume to the draft. I could make an argument for you being even lower.

5. Big Brother's Bitch (3-2) (Last week: 4): I know it's tough to move a team down after a win, but I think that's the deal here. I thought you were closer to the teams below, and I still believe that to be the case. Andre Ellington massively benefited from the Cardinals getting buried by the Broncos, and I don't know if that can continue. I think you'll continue to be at or near the top, but I'm just not sure if I see a championship caliber team yet. I think there are some better teams out there.

4. The King's Crusaders (2-3) (Last week: 1): Perhaps #1 was too much, but it seems like this team should have a better record than 2-3. Started the Steelers' water boy, stadium ushers, and terrible towel sewers, and it still didn't help. The Steelers scored a total of 17 points against the pathetic Jaguars. How does that happen? McCoy looks completely lost. I'm almost happier I have Peterson, as I'm not even tempted to start him. Stevan Ridley looked good though, but Crabtree is indeed a sorry ass receiver.

3. Stanky Monkeys (3-2) (Last week: 2): You clearly did well in the first two rounds with Forte and Jordy. VJax finally came through for you, and Brian Quick looks like he could be the real deal. What a pickup that was. Poor guy had to experience the same thing on back to back days. His team jumping out to a massive lead, only to see it squandered at the last minute. At least the Eagles still won. Had allowed by far the fewest points in the league, so something like this was bound to happen.

2. A Lot O'Tatz (3-2) (Last week: 6): Certainly deserving of a rankings bump. I don't even want to bring up the trade I turned down. I've also changed your team name so that you're now Irish. You have to be feeling confident knowing that the Broncos have already had their bye. I also can't believe how good Golden Tate has been. That should continue with Tron out. Lucky for you, it looks like the Browns are trying to get a lot of Tatz as well. The strategy and team name are paying off.

1. Team Bartholomew (4-1) (Last week: 3): Every time I've moved you out of the top spot you've proven me wrong. The real concern at this point is how much slop will the Cowboys feed DeMarco. For a guy with a long list of injuries in his history, a 400+ carry pace is not a good thing. Even left Kendall Wright on the bench with 26. Despite what I may have thought previously, this is still the team to beat. I'd venture to guess that you'll win most weeks when Greggy scores 2 TDs. Well done.


Week 6 Matchups

#1 Team Bartholomew (4-1) v. #4 The King's Crusaders (2-3)
#2 A Lot O'Tatz (3-2) v. #14 The Smokin' Jays (0-5)
#3 Stanky Monkeys (3-2) v. #6 DA BEARDS (5-0)
#5 Big Brother's Bitch (3-2) v. #10 Geno 911 (3-2)
#7 Tequila Party Gnomes (3-2) v. #12 Dueling Pylons (2-3)
#8 Bo$$town Cutter (2-3) v. #11 Pork Chop Express (3-2)
#9 Tweeting in the Trenches (2-3) v. #13 Team Toliver (0-5)


Week 5 was a wild week with 3 matchups coming down to the wire Monday night. Given the matchups this week, I wouldn't be surprised to see some more close games. Good luck to everyone. Only a couple more weeks of the power rankings and then it's playoff preview.