But I'm not here to complain. I'm here to entertain.
Chris Fusco, at 2 AM, was screaming HELP IS ON THE WAY!!! from Mrs. Doubtfire for some reason. But so much noise went down prior to that.
2015 Pukers: 2. Adam Cutter continues his impressive streak of puking at every draft. And again was found in bed this morning with moans of "WHY ME?!?!?!?". But we have a new member to add to the list, and a first. Puking actually at the draft. Gambino took a shot, and that baby came right back up all over the floor of the Crow's Nest. He then tried to play it off like it didn't actually happen, but it did. Surprisingly nobody else did, but we did almost lose a man.
I must say I think everyone really enjoys outdoor drafts. Having a nice view of the Ben Franklin Bridge to me is much more exciting than being tucked in the bowels of a bar. And the Crow's Nest worked out perfectly. We had Mike Y bouncing with vigor. And a special thanks to Matt Atallian, who did yeoman's work maintaining the draft board. Always an unenviable task.
At some point Matt had had enough. Enough stickers. Enough carrying around the draft board. I ensured him with 100% certainty that I had all of the picks in the Google Doc I was maintaining. I did not. 3 rounds were missing, and those names got ripped off fast and furious. It's safe to say I did an absolutely awful job of transcribing. The following players were selected:
- Knife Davis
- Maxx Willaims
- At Louis Rams
- Stefan Bailey
- Ha quiz Rodgers
- Sebastian Janitor Ski
- Brent Celeb
- We'd Welker
- Fan Carpenter
- Jimmy Garrick's
- Kai for bath
- Lions E
- Danny amen sola
and the absolute best
- Sgeban Riey
It was absolute insanity. I'm not sure about the order of things, but these things all happened:
Dosh Whye was tossed from Morgan's Pier due to making threatening statements. He told two bros that he was going to "give them a twinectomy". Never heard that term before. I also have no recollection of this and have no idea what started the beef.
A bunch of drunk assholes stumbled into Dave & Buster's. EEB spent a good $40 on a game card, which was good enough for 45 games of basketball. He still has a majority of that left.
A female grabbed a drink held by Chris Fusco and started drinking it. He was subsequently accosted by a jealous boyfriend. Shocker.
Things then spilled out onto the street where a number of images were taken.
I don't know if you've ever had Crown, but it was fucking amazing. I practically bathed in that delicious recipe. All I could think of was Ricky Rozay's Instagram where he commonly writes "fat boy needs a 10 piece". I couldn't agree more. There was chicken all over the hotel room. Cutty was repeatedly pegged in bed with chicken as he was blazing wax. It was amazing.
"I will not move to a smaller room" - Borat
Beef of the Week: Amtrak
I already have beef. On the way back from the draft, our Amtrak train died. They had to bring in another one that didn't have enough room for everyone. It took almost 4 hours to return to Long Island and poor Cutter had to then drive back to Boston. But being delayed wasn't as bad as the people on the train.
Mothers screaming at their toddlers "SHUT THE FUCK UP". A two-year old was standing up on a seat and yelling to nobody in particular "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?" Yelling. Amtrak needs to raise their damn prices. And people are terrible. What a brutal experience.
Before we get into the post-draft power rankings, I'll be releasing the EFFL Week 1 schedule. I'll post the schedule on the site soon, but here's how each team will match up.
Stanky Monkeys v. Geno 911
Tweeting in the Trenches v. Bo$$town Cutter
Team Bartholomew v. Dueling Pylons
Team BG v. Dosh Willie Whye
The King's Crusaders v. Big Brother's Bitch
Tequila Party Gnomes v. Team Imbesi
A Lot O'Tatz v. Pork Chop Express
Power Rankings - I've also recommended some team names
These rankings are entirely subjective. Sorry.to those who are offended.
14. Geno 911 - I don't think anyone is surprised to see me ranking a Gambino team this low. Last 5 picks: Kicker in 12th round, defense in 13th round, Kellen Clemens, Chase Daniel, Nick Toon. And those picks were probably better than the rest. Got the top pick and didn't take the top player. Sheer panic at the thought of picking someone else's keeper. Two starting running backs have a combined age of 59. #1 receiver isn't even the #1 on his own team. I'm sure will win a couple games, but damn. Puked on the floor and had the worst draft in possibly unrelated incidents.
Playoff Odds: 10%
13. The King's Crusaders - Surely this has to be shocking to see King this low. But I do not think he drafted well. Aaron Rodgers will keep him competitive, but he's already lost his top receiver. Jimmy Graham is probably overrated as Russell Wilson doesn't throw the ball. I'm not a believer in TJ Yeldon. And the receivers are questionable at best. Remains to be seen how Stefan Bailey will pan out. I think King has some work to do.
Playoff Odds: 30%
12. Dueling Pylons - Taking the Jordy Nelson injury into account here. I really liked the roster, but losing a top player is going to hurt. There's still some good meat here in Watkins, Cooks, and Luck, but there are a ton of young players. Likely will be better by the end of the season, but this team could start in too big a hole to get back from. It just sucks to have the 15th overall pick on your team for 12 hours and then blow his knee out.
Playoff Odds: 35%
11. Twinectomy - Speaking of old, Dosh's first two picks are a combined 70 years old. Not that they are bad players, but there's definitely risk that they don't perform to their potential. Likely paid prices from years ago. I actually like Evans, Marty B and the Alfred Morris pick. But after that it really went downhill. Should end up in the mix, but I'd lean towards this team missing the playoffs.
Playoff Odds: 40%
10. Stanky Monkeys - I'm actually a fan of the strategy to grab a bunch of receivers, and the guys you got are pretty solid. But putting a ton of stock in a running back who's about to hit 30. And behind that, you don't have any starting running backs. How do you take Tebow in the 11th round? That's so bad lol. Like Dosh, I think you'll be on the fringe, but I'm leaning out for now.
Playoff Odds: 45%
9. Tequila Party Gnomes - It'll take you about 3 weeks to realize Russell Wilson only has good fantasy games when Seattle loses. And you'll have him on the bench. Most infuriating fantasy player, and you'll switch to Rivers so quick. Thought Joique was a reach, but I like the Melvin Gordon pick. Like the Charles Johnson, Stills, and Seferian-Jenkins picks. Should definitely be right there for a playoff spot.
Playoff Odds: 50%
8. Team Bartholomew - Pretty close with TPG. I always like your late picks better than your early ones. I know you like your website, but Brandon Coleman in the 5th round was just ridiculous. You could've gotten him 8 rounds later. But Antonio Brown and Jeremy Hill together is always going to have you competitive. And if the Niners suck, Kaepernick may prove to be a pretty good pick. I think there are better teams. I think there are worse teams.
Playoff Odds: 50%
7. Tweeting in the Trenches - I think this is actually pretty generous. You basically couldn't screw up Le'Veon and Odell, yet you screwed up mostly every other pick. Only wound up with 4 Giants despite picking them all in the first 10 rounds. You also picked two players in the first 5 rounds who are suspended to start the season, but having Staffy-Poo was a good choice. You got him way late. If you find some WW gems, you could do well with those big boys.
Playoff Odds: 50%
6. Sheetz Himself - Spent too much time bouncing and probably should have done better. You still ended up with a good amount of solid players, but you basically ended up with all the guys people think are big risks at RB. I think you wound up with pretty reasonable depth which always helps in a big league like this. Also selected back-to-back Johnsons which is hilarious. I know you're a fan of two Johnsons together.
Playoff Odds: 55%
5. Guido Express - I just don't see how Phil winds up without the word Guido in his team name. For a first timer, had a pretty good draft. Grabbing Foster and Cruz is definitely risky, but I really like your other surrounding players. Big Ben could easily be a top 5 QB. Love the top 3 of Gronk, Alshon, Cooper. But you might have some big problems at RB. Foster is out until at least mid-season, so must start one from McFadden, Freeman, DeAngelo. That might not be all that bad.
Playoff Odds: 60%
4. Fear the Beard - BG did very well. Demaryius was my #1 WR. Getting Hopkins and Landry to complement him is probably the top receiver trio in the league. Also picked up perennial favorite LeGarrette Blount, which is fun. I think much of the success here depends on Carlos Hyde. You know what you're getting with Brees, so if Hyde develops into a top RB, this is definitely a playoff team no question. Also got pretty good depth, which is big.
Playoff Odds: 65%
3. The Waxman Cometh - I really like what Cutty did at the draft as far as picking players. I can't find a problem with any of the picks until Gio. And even at that point, it's really not a bad pick. If you had taken a QB in the 7th or 8th round instead of waiting, you'd probably be the favorite. I know you love Texans D, but still. Eli, Cam Newton, Bradford, and plenty of other QBs out there would have made this team look much better. I think you've got a pretty good shot to make the playoffs.
Playoff Odds: 65%
2. Keeper Police - Got waaaaay too focused on the keepers. Your face after selecting Mark Ingram in the 2nd round was absolutely priceless. Went from happy, happy, happy to sheer terror. Looked like you'd seen a ghost. Getting Cam Newton so late was an absolute steal. The Eagles combo is going to work out real well for you, and I think you kept making solid picks after the one blunder. The pick I probably like least is Colby Lattimore, but really just nitpicking at this point. I would be pretty surprised to see you miss the playoffs.
Playoff Odds: 70%
1. Just Murrayed - It's probably not the wisest move to pick 2 QBs coming off ACL injuries. But if the numbers are to be believed (12% chance of re-injury), there's a 98.5% chance that you don't lose both of them. I liked your team before, and the Jordy injury just sent your team to the top of my list with Davante Adams. Somehow you only picked 4 WRs, but they're all solid. Also very solid at RB, and if the Murrays deliver, will certainly be one of the toughest teams to beat. I'm usually critical of your squads, but I think you did a real nice job here. I think you'll be back in the playoffs.
Playoff Odds: 75%
It's good to be back. The blog is back. The EFFL is back. Be aware that the first waiver run is Tuesday, so if you want to put in a claim, do it before end of day Monday. As always, waiver order starts as inverse draft order. When you make a waiver claim you go to the bottom of the list. All players become free agents after waivers run.
Hope you enjoyed the preview, and if you have extra funny pictures or funny stories from the draft, be sure to post them in the comments. Will try to set something up on Sundays for more interaction. Nothing is better than talking trash on league mates. Also if you have not yet paid, please PayPal me league fees as soon as possible. Looking forward to the season despite already being down a knee ligament.
