The Final Week

Week 13 Playoff Standings

* #1 The King’s Crusaders (10-2): Has locked up a first round bye with week 12 win. Will be #1 with win OR Stanky Monkeys win. #2 with week 13 loss AND Pylons win.

* #2 Stanky Monkeys (9-3): #2 and bye with week 13 win. #3 with week 13 loss.

* #3 Dueling Pylons (9-3): #3 with week 13 loss. #2 with win AND King win. #1 with win AND King loss.

* #4 Animals With Eyepatches (7-5): Locked in to #4 seed. Will play either TPG or the Ari Golds in round 1 of the playoffs.

* #5 Tequila Party Gnomes (5-7): Despite a week 12 loss, TPG has clinched a playoff spot with a J5 loss. A week 13 win OR Golds loss will have the Gnomes in a rematch week 14 with the Eyepatches. This is a dream scenario for the EFFL. A loss AND Golds win AND Golds outscoring TPG by 16 in week 13 would see the Gnomes play either the Pylons or Monkeys.

#6 The Ari Golds (4-8): This team has been crashing and burning and now must turn things around in week 13. Have still not clinched a playoff spot, but can do so with a win OR Jackson Five loss OR being outscored by the Five by fewer than 21 points in week 13. If in, would face the Pylons, Monkeys, or Eyepatches depending on other results.

#7 The Jackson Five (3-9): Somehow this team is still alive. Given a last opportunity via a Lance Moore Monday night thriller, the Five now need a win AND Golds loss AND outscore the Golds by 21 points or more. This is absolutely possible. If the Five do sneak in, it would be as the #6 seed and would face either the Pylons or Monkeys in round 1.

x #8 My Team Is Awful (1-11): Locked up last place with a week 12 loss but can play spoiler against the Five, who accounted for Awful’s only win this season.

Getting Towards the End

11 weeks in the books and things are starting to take shape as the playoffs approach. A 4^th team has locked up a playoff berth and 1-2 more teams could follow suit this Sunday. Here is the recap from all things week 11.

The game of the week certainly shook things up in the EFFL. A stunning performance from the Jackson Five has catapulted them right back into contention and left the picture for the final 2 playoff spots wide open. Bridging the way for this victory was 75 minutes of football from McNabb and Housh as well as solid efforts from Michael Turner and DeAngelo Williams. The Golds in the meantime have hit a rough patch, and expressed his concerns to me about his team making the playoffs. A quote from Gambino’s post game press conference: “You know, I really feel we’re playing like complete shit right now. Ever since we traded Ronnie it’s like the players don’t respect me as a man. Steve Smith even threatened to fuck me up in the showers. We may miss the postseason.” Shocking words from the Golds.

Needing only 19 points to win from TO and MB3, the Eyepatches made quick work of Dueling Pylons Sunday night. This is a win the Eyepatches needed to make their presence felt as a serious contender in the EFFL. Winners of 3 of 4, Jimish looks to be heading in the right direction as the postseason approaches. The Pylons meanwhile showed up with their 2^nd lowest point total of the season. Finishing the regular season on a high note has continually been a problem for the Pylons. With a difficult slate the final two weeks, the Pylons cannot falter if they hope to ever win a playoff game.

Up only 10 points heading into Sunday night, TPG had Cooley going against Santana Moss and took care of business. Moss continued his inconsistent season and sent My Team is Awful out of the playoffs and to a 1-10 start. This is the worst 11 week start in EFFL history. This is also the first time a team has failed to show up at the draft. Perhaps there is a correlation. TPG meanwhile has their swagger back like Puff, and looks poised to go deep in the postseason ala 2007. Gore, Megatron, LT, and BMarsh are the backbone of this team, and as they go so will the Gnomes.

In a matchup of two heavyweights, the King took out the Stanky Monkeys by a margin as wide as the Woody’s double wide in West Virginia. As the sun went down Sunday evening, the Monkeys were found on a sidewalk in the fetal position crying “Why did I bench Lance Moore?!?!?” Lou completely forgot that the King still had 2 players left and this lineup decision was irrelevant. The Monkeys inconsistency may rear its ugly head once the playoffs roll around. In odd weeks, the Monkeys are now averaging only 105 points, while in even weeks the team is averaging 134. The King meanwhile is the league’s hottest team and certainly looks like the team to beat at the moment.

*** Week 12 Preview ***

The King’s Crusaders vs. My Team is Awful

This game screams blowout. A 1-10 team against a 9-2 team, plus the fact that Chris has taken 8 of 10 against his sister seems like an easy call on paper. Looking a little closer, the King has actually only scored over 117 one time in these 10 matchups. I still think that this game doesn’t get anywhere close. These 7 game streaks respectively will not end. I predict an 8 piece chicken tender and a King victory.

The Jackson Five vs. Animals With Eyepatches

Here’s a game featuring two teams right in the thick of the wild card mix. With a playoff spot locked up AEP cannot let up against a fierce rival. In 7 straight, neither team has beaten the other by more than 20 points. This seems like another close battle and one that the Five need desperately to stay in the hunt. I think the Eypatches will just be too much and continue to take care of business.

Stanky Monkeys vs. The Ari Golds

Former neighborly rivals, these two teams have turned into sworn enemies on the fantasy football field. Lou has never put up fewer than 129 points against the Golds in 4 games. Apparently knowing this, the Golds have tried to ignite a spark by attempting to trade for Braylon Edwards. This is an absolutely critical game for the Golds with the Jackson Five breathing right down their neck. This game could end up coming down to Monday night, and with Westbrook banged up the Golds have hope. Look for the Monkeys to complete a comeback late in this matchup and send Nick home with his tail between his legs.

*** Game of the Week ***

Dueling Pylons vs. Tequila Party Gnomes

That bitter taste in the Pylons’ mouth is the backlash from Norv Turner’s week 6 escapade to self glory. This man has laughed and spat in my face since his days back with LaMont Jordan and the Raiders in 2005. A stunning 1 point defeat to the Gnomes was my undoing. The Pylons are out for revenge, especially after losing in the playoffs last year. These teams simply do not like each other, and I expect this matchup to be a dog fight. Knowing that a TPG victory would almost certainly seal up a Gnomes-Eyepatches playoff spot, I fully expect the Gnomes to win this game.

That’s all for Week 11. Trade deadline is the start of games tonight. If anyone is around this weekend, maybe we can get together to watch the games somewhere.

2 Weeks Left - Playoff Update

Week 12 Playoff Wrapup

* #1 The King’s Crusaders (9-2): After downing the Monkeys and a Pylons loss, the King stands in sole possession of first place. Any of the following in week 12 will lock up a first round bye: King win, Pylons loss, Monkeys loss. A King win AND Pylons loss would lock up #1 overall seed.

* #2 Stanky Monkeys (8-3): By virtue of head-to-head tiebreaker with Pylons hold #2 seed, although these teams meet week 13. This week’s game is much more meaningful to other teams as both the King and the Ari Golds would benefit greatly from a loss, but the Jackson Five would love to see a win here.. Cannot lock up a bye in week 12.

* #3 Dueling Pylons (8-3): From #1 to #3 in a matter of a week and still does not have a top 3 seed locked up. While unlikely, 2 Eyepatches wins, 2 losses, and a 117 point swing in scoring could land this team in 4th. Similar to Stanky Monkeys, this week’s game has no bearing on whether or not this team gets a bye. Again, the King and Ari Golds hoping for a loss, and the Five are looking for help to sneak in the back door with a Pylons win. Also cannot clinch a bye in week 12.

* #4 Animals With Eyepatches (6-5): Instead of playing with chance, the Eyepatches took care of business against the Pylons in week 11 clinching a playoff spot. This team will almost certainly end up in the 4/5 matchup. With games against desperate teams in the Jackson Five and the Gnomes, the win last week was huge. One of these final two games could be a potential playoff rematch.

#5 Tequila Party Gnomes (5-6): Even though that Patron may be on ice, the Gnomes are red hot. After consecutive victories, the Gnomes are in prime position to grab a playoff spot and can clinch with either a win or Jackson Five loss. A victory this week would almost guarantee 2 consecutive weeks of Gnomes-Eyepatches. Hopefully the Gnomes won’t be throwing this week’s game to try and get out of this. The King is pulling for you.

#6 The Ari Golds (4-7): I’ve been preaching it all along. This is not the time of the season that you want your team to hit a rough patch. The Golds have lost 3 straight and have not cracked 90 points in a month. Now with games against the league’s top 2 teams, this team may be drawing mud with a desperate Jackson Five team right on their heels. Now that the season series has been split, the tiebreaker will go to total points, where the Golds have only a 22 point lead.

#7 The Jackson Five (3-8): After weeks of futility the Five have finally responded. Needs to win at least 1 more game than the Golds to get in. 2 Gnomes losses, 2 Golds wins, and 2 Five wins would still leave the Five out on tiebreaker. Needs to win and get some help, but the week 11 win has this team right in the mix. Could this team be the 2008 version of last year’s Crusaders?

x #8 My Team Is Awful (1-10): Finally put out of your misery with a Week 11 loss. Hopefully you show up at the draft next year and can play spoiler in the final two weeks. The league would appreciate a win over your brother.

Almost Playoff Time

With 10 weeks in the books, the race for the postseason is becoming clearer. The top 3 teams continued to roll, putting up the 3 highest point totals for the week. For the season they have also gone 21-3 against the rest of the EFFL. We all know how much the regular season means. The #6 seed has been crowned champion each of the past two seasons. The Gnomes this morning indicated that he is indeed hoping to be #6 come week 14. Here’s how it all went down in week 10.

The game of the week certainly did not disappoint. With each Steve Breaston catch anticipation continued to build for the Gnomes with an eventual eruption of “YES!!!!! suck one gravett!!!!” sent via text message following a beautiful 50 yard touch pass from Warner to Breaston. The bonehead decision by Andy Reid to run the ball not only hurt the Eagles, but also the Jackson Five, as valuable points from McNabb were lost. One would be left wondering why Marques Colston was left sitting on the bench in favor of a pair of Buckeye receivers. How ironic that a Michigan player was the one who eventually did you in. The story of the Five’s 2008 season could be summed up with points left on the bench, and now the collective backs of this squad are up against the wall.

The poor Ari Golds never even stood a chance in week 10. The starters and bench of the team combined had only 84 points. Pylons starters Double Glove, All Day, and Fast Eddie put up a combined 87. The damage could’ve been much worse had the Pylons not started Braylon Edwards, who is the worst player in the league. This Pylons team is budding with confidence and looks poised to cap another amazing regular season down the stretch. The imminent return of super stud Reggie Bush could strike fear into the hearts of EFFL competition. The Golds were befuddled Sunday Afternoon as the text messages poured in and the laughter ensued. Deemed “the worst day ever in fantasy football”, the Golds pity party doesn’t end any time soon with a tough slate the rest of the way. Not even Jerricho Cotchery could produce, as he scored only 2 points despite the Jets putting up 47 on the Rams.

The heat is on in the EFFL. Is it coming from a flame-broiled whopper? No, that’s just the King cruising to his 6^th straight victory in dominating fashion yet again. This week it was Mewelde Moore, David Garrard, and an STD infested Kellen Winslow who got the job done. Outside of Andre Johnson and Anquan Boldin, this team is a revolving door yet continues to make it work. This is a dangerous strategy to employ but thus far it has worked very well. The Eyepatches put up a very respectable 119 point effort in the loss and should be in the playoffs barring a miracle. A goose-egg from Berrian did not help, but there was nothing that could be done this week. This team looks very solid, but is there enough firepower to get this team to the top? Thus far the Eyepatches have hit the 120 point plateau only twice in 10 weeks.

Where to begin, where to begin with this Stanky Monkeys team. Although sitting at 7-2, the Monkeys had outscored their 1-8 opponents by only 57 points for the entire season. The Monkeys responded with a 152 point outing and guess what: I still say luck. Sending out Thomas Jones in the 4^th quarter up 40-3 is bad enough. Giving him carries up 47-3 with less than 4 minutes left in the game is asinine. There’s a reason Eric Mangina is one of the least respected head coaches in the league. The guy is an absolute jackass and learned from the queen of the assholes in Belichick. Luck exhibit A and Luck exhibit B continue this charade. There is no way this can continue week in and week out. Fear not league members. My Team Is Awful certainly is that, as another mediocre effort didn’t get the job done. This team is consistent if nothing else, putting up between 80 and 110 almost every week. That’s not gonna cut it in the EFFL. You need to be ready to dominate every week, and the urgency just isn’t there. Perhaps getting Witten and Santana Moss back will create some sort of spark, but the end is near.

**** Week 11 Preview ****

Tequila Party Gnomes vs. My Team Is Awful

TPG comes into this game flying high off a huge win against J5, and looks poised to turn this game in their direction. Ironically, 2 years ago it was the Gnomes who sat at 1-9, somehow still alive, desperately needing a win to keep the run going. The Gnomes got that win and continued to fight the good fight. This, however, is a desperate Gnomes team who has had nothing guaranteed thus far. Although a loss here would not be disastrous, this is a game that TPG needs to come out and dominate. I think it will go that way.

Dueling Pylons vs. Animals With Eyepatches

In a matchup with the least bearing on the playoff picture, these teams have been relatively equal over the past month or so. The Pylons have, however, had the number of the beasts. Winning this game would be a big step in moving towards a first round bye for the Pylons, while the Eyepatches could be victorious and lock up their first playoff spot since 2006. I think the Pylons are just too much right now and will get the job done come Sunday.

The King’s Crusaders vs. Stanky Monkeys

The last time these two juggernauts met, the King squeaked out an 85-71 victory all the way back in week 3. Pathetic. This time around, these teams are ready to rumble with 5+ game winning streaks each. Who will the King turn to this week? Who will be added Friday or Saturday that puts up 20 points? Is Thomas Jones bicep wider than Lou’s head? All of these questions should be answered in week 11. I think at least one of these teams should be able to put up 90 points. As the Pylons would benefit more from a Monkeys win, I will take them reluctantly in this affair.

**** Game of the Week ****

The Jackson Five vs. The Ari Golds

The Five appear in this section for the 2^nd week in a row, and it is well deserved. This is the last chance for J5 to come through with a victory to make a playoff push. Now losers of 5 straight, lineup decisions at this juncture are absolutely critical. The most pressing question is will the team turn to quarterback Tarvaris Jackson to lead this team through the rough patch. These teams have traded blows in the past and arms and legs will be flailing in this catfight. The Golds need this game bad. With Lou and Chris on the schedule for the last two weeks, the Golds can’t waste an opportunity to lock up a playoff spot. No doubt the Eyepatches and Gnomes would love to see their fate sealed this week, but Nick I want you out. I’m jumping on the 2-8 Five bandwagon, heading right to the front because it’s empty, and pulling for this team to get the job done.

This should be a very exciting week 11 with a lot of games to keep your eye on. There could be some shakeups in the standings.

Week 10 Playoff Update

Playoff Preview

* #1 Dueling Pylons (8-2): Only a heartbreaking 1 point defeat and a porous effort against the Stanky Monkeys have stood between this team and perfection. By virtue of total points scored holds the #1 seed. Has all but locked up a top 3 seed and could make a huge statement towards a first round bye with a win this week.

* #2 The King’s Crusaders (8-2): The King has exploded in recent weeks and could easily be the strongest team in the EFFL right now. Good coaching decisions have helped pave the way for a resurgent regular season. A huge game against the Stanky Monkeys in Week 11, as a win would put the King up a game with the tiebreaker and almost certainly lock in a first round bye.

* #3 Stanky Monkeys (8-2): Unlike the other two teams, the Stanky Monkeys are a guaranteed top 3 seed despite sitting in 3rd place at the moment. A brutal final 3 weeks of the King, the Golds, and the Pylons could keep this team on the outside looking in for a bye. It’s time to see what this team is really made of.

#4 Animals With Eyepatches (5-5): Although the Eyepatches appear strong and in control of the #4 seed, there is still a scenario in which the Eyepatches could miss out on the playoffs. With a game this week against the Pylons and the final two against the Jackson Five and TPG, nothing is a given. A win or Five loss at any point would lock up a spot.

#5 The Ari Golds (4-6): This team is sputtering. Losers of two straight and the lowest scoring team in the past 3 weeks, the Golds may be on shaky ground. A win against the Jackson Five this week erases everything and locks up a playoff spot. A loss and all of a sudden the Golds are fighting for their lives while having to deal with the Monkeys and King over the final two weeks. Huge, huge game.

#6 Tequila Party Gnomes (4-6): The Gnomes have finally added a signature win to their resume. Although behind the Golds, TPG appears to be on more solid footing for another playoff appearance. The Gnomes cannot let up, however, as a desperate Jackson Five team could sneak up and make some noise.

#7 The Jackson Five (2-8): This team missed a golden opportunity against the Gnomes to get right back into the picture. The good news is that with a Week 10 Golds loss, a win in week 11 keeps the Five right in the middle of it. A loss puts the Eyepatches and Golds in. It doesn’t get bigger than this.

#8 My Team Is Awful (1-9): Barely a pulse, but scenarios could play out which would include this team in the field. Absolutely must win this week. Could also use a Jackson Five win to help playoff hopes. Not looking good at all, but anything can happen.

Gnomes, Pylons, and The Dennis toward the bottom right

Whoa nellie the big boys came through in a big way. All with impressive victories, the King’s Crusaders, Stanky Monkeys, and Dueling Pylons all locked up playoff spots. What a dramatic turnaround it has been for the King. Since losing 7 straight in the middle of the 2007 season, the King has now gone 11-2 in his last 13 games and finds himself right in the thick of the battle for the top spot. With the Monkeys still facing both of the other 2 teams, it is hard to imagine a team outside of this group of 3 getting a first round bye. A week 13 matchup between the Pylons and Monkeys could prove to be huge. On to the week 9 review.

Dueling Pylons handled My Team is Awful with a 46 point beatdown. The Pylons still probably hold a grudge for the 2005 playoff matchup which David Jackass Akers made a field goal to send a meaningless Eagles-Giants game into overtime. Jeremy Shockey sealed the deal in OT with some garbage points and that was all she wrote for the Pylons. The more pressing matter is the fact that Awful has lost 5 straight games and sits in the cellar at 1-8. This once proud franchise has gone 4-18-1 since their playoff defeat in 2006. Stop drafting the same players. They aren’t getting any better. The good news, as there always is some, is that Awful sits only 2 games out of a playoff spot with 4 to play, including matchups with the 2 teams standing in the way of that elusive playoff berth.

What was billed as Week 9’s game of the week turned out to be one of the worst games of the season. Newly acquired Chris Johnson was the only player for either team to go over 20 points, but the effort was in vain. Offset by Steven Jackson’s 1 point and Nick Fizzolk’s 2, the Golds really did not stand much chance in this game. In a pivotal middle of the pack affair, it was the Eyepatches who took the step forward to almost guarantee a playoff spot. A win this week for the Eyepatches would put that shit on lock. The Golds should be OK, but this is not the juncture of the season which you want to get cold.

At approximately 1:03 PM EST on Sunday the King threw in the towel against the Jackson Five conceding victory like John McCain. Although premature, this game did eventually come down to the 2^nd half of the Monday night game where Clinton Portis put it away. A lack of TDs ultimately hurt the Five in this matchup. Despite having the lowest point total and the most points allowed, the Five still remain right in the thick of things for the playoffs. There are no more games against the 3 7-2 teams, so this team controls its own destiny. I fully expect a rebound and a customized shirt for Sunday games that says “FIVE ALIVE”.

This Stanky Monkeys team does not have me convinced. Every week it seems like some other garbage player is contributing to a team that gets no points scored against. 6 out of his 9 games the opponent has scored 100 or less. It seems like a team that could have a huge week but also be a huge flop. This is not a recipe for playoff success. TPG was in this one all the way, however, with Cooley and Jason Campbell fighting til the end to let the Gnomes play spoiler. Until a last minute Campbell INT, this game was not over. Leaving Chad Johnson on the bench has never served well. At 3-6, the Gnomes have seen more trying times and still remain in the 6^th playoff slot. This is a resilient bunch with a talented roster. I expect this team to make some noise before the season is over.

***Week 10 Preview***

Stanky Monkeys vs. My Team Is Awful

The battle of March 3, 1987 should be a good one. These teams come in heading in opposite directions, but that can all change quickly. The Monkeys are in, so this team may get lax against a desperate Awful team. Brett Favre against the Rams and MJD against the Lions could be tough to compete with, but I look for this one to be a relatively close game with the Monkeys sneaking one out.

The King’s Crusaders vs. Animals With Eyepatches

These teams have traded shots in the past and always produce entertaining games. This is the ultimate matchup of overanalysis vs. let it ride. Both teams head into this game on winning streaks and both look poised to make some noise in the playoffs. Having Barber and TO on a bye could hurt the Eyepatches, but the emergence of Tim Hightower must be exciting. I look for the Eyepatches to get done what they could not only 3 weeks ago and down the King like a delicious Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger from the best fast food restaurant ever, Wendy’s.

The Ari Golds vs. Dueling Pylons

In any normal week this would be the game of the week hands down. This is the game that annually produces the most smack talk in the EFFL. These teams simply do not like each other. A Week 3 Pylons win surely still sits on the Golds’ mind when Jerricho Cotchery and Antonio Gates were no match for the invaluable Nate Kaeding.

What better way to make that statement than to throw in Marc Bulger and Steven Jackson. Please come home from WVU and skip class on Monday so we can play Rams drinking game Sunday afternoon. The last time I played Rams drinking game I ended up face down on the living room floor at 8 p.m. while the Gnomes got covered in blue acrylic paint and puked in a plastic keg bucket full of water. I strongly like and dislike so many players on your team this will be rough for me. The Pylons are in first place for a reason, and I look for another huge game to take this team of destiny to 8-2.

***Game of the Week***

The Jackson Five vs. Tequila Party Gnomes

3-6 vs. 2-7. #6 vs. #7. It’s week 10 and the season could be on the line for the Jackson Five. A loss to the Gnomes here and it could be the end of the line. Due to scheduling, this is the first time these teams meet, and it will be the only time these teams meet. The tiebreaker between the two is at stake, and could keep one team on the outside looking in. 4 of the 5 previous meetings between these teams have been decided by 6 points or less. This is the ultimate battle of desperation at just the right time, and despite the records of these teams, this is no doubt the game of the week. I think that the Gnomes have shown me a little more thus far, so I look for them to take this one.

That's all for this week. After next week I'll probably do a playoff preview or something to let you know where everyone stands and how the seeds are shaking up. Remember the deadlines that I posted below. Also, good luck to Lou as he heads out to Arizona to try and make the Arizona Sundogs of the CHL.

Notes From The Commissioner

I just wanted to remind everyone about upcoming deadlines which are in the EFFL Rulebook:

1.) The trade deadline is before the start of week 12. November 20th is the last day trades can be made.

2.) The deadline for any add/drops is either the end of the regular season for non-playoff teams or when the team is eliminated from the playoffs for playoff teams.

3.) Any player added after the trade deadline may NOT be kept for next season.

I also wanted to note that in the updated EFFL History spreadsheet that will be published this week, I have created a tab that lists the restricted players that cannot be kept. Sorry for the delay in this. If there are any questions, my office door is always open.