Championship Week

We have reached week 16... Championship Week.  After a long, hard season of lineup decisions and trades and 25,000 blog words, we are down to the final week.  Congratulations to Matt, Chris, Mike and Yashar for making their respective championship games.  Mike and Yashar reaching the championship ensures they will both move up to League 1 next year.  Before I get into the recaps and the finals previews, we have some beef to get to.

The Beef of the Week this week is sponsored exclusively by one Norv Turner.  This guy is the most inept coach to ever walk the sidelines.  He's already been informed that he will be gone at the end of the season.  That has not stopped him from sabotaging the fantasy football community at large.  Norv and I go way back.  He's been stabbing me in the back as long as I can remember.  He famously was up 30 points, left his stud LT in the game with 3 minutes left, and demanded he rip off a 40 yard reception to send TPG over the Pylons.

You can read about it here: http://efflblog.blogspot.com/2008/10/gnomes-get-it-done.html

You can read about Norv refusing to throw to the Tight End in 2010 here resulting in yet another goose egg and a Pylons narrow loss:
http://efflblog.blogspot.com/2010/11/whose-turkey-will-be-cooked.html

You can read about Norv's decision to play for OT to screw the Pylons in 2011 here: http://efflblog.blogspot.com/2011/11/pylons-caught-with-pants-down.html

In fact, you can Google "EFFL Blog Norv" and come up with more than 1.8 million results.  But it wasn't until the 2012 playoffs that Norv truly shined.  This past Wednesday, I sent the following email to Matt Atallian: "Somehow I'm using a Chargers player in a playoff game.  Thankfully, Norv speaks to the public during the week... "Coach Norv Turner said defenses are yet to adjust to Danario Alexander".  Might as well just bench him right now.  Nothing like telling your opponent how to gameplan against you"

I knew it was coming, yet I just could not take my own advice.  I started Danario Alexander in all 3 leagues I was still alive in.  He did not catch a ball.   I lost to Fusco by 6, lost in another league by 4, and am on the ropes in the 3rd.  The Chargers completed one pass over 10 yards.  Take a step back and think about just how truly awful that is.  Norv could not go out without giving it to me one last time.  I hate that man with a passion and can only imagine how much money he's cost me over the years.  Good riddance you piece of shit coach.

One can never underestimate the stupidity of a coach when choosing starters.  Whether it be Brad Childress back when Peterson had to tell him to give him the ball, or it be Chan Gailey, who throws a challenge flag like this:

Don't ever underestimate how stupid coaches can be.

RECAPS

Tequila Party Gnomes 147 - The King's Crusaders 98

I have to admit that I'm a little stunned.  Not just that TPG won, but by such a wide margin.  For the first time in a long time, nothing worked out for Woody.  His kicker and defense combined to score fewer points than I did on Sunday.  David Wilson did nothing.  Greg Jennings did nothing.  There was just nothing Chris could have done.  I know TPG is fired up about getting revenge on the King.  It will be TPG's 2nd championship appearance and potential for a 1st EFFL championship.

Tweeting in the Trenches 130 - Dueling Pylons 124

Pretty much everything the Pylons could have done wrong they did.  Whether it be failing to hit submit on the pickup of Dennis Pitta, the use of Danario, or the cutting of the Seahawks defense.  It just all went wrong.  Welker took until after 11 PM to seal the fate of TITTY.  It was 4th and 2... Brady sees something he likes, yells "GOLD WILLIE", and it was inevitable doom.  TITTY had reached the finals and the Pylons were left with yet another year of regret.  One of these years...

Team Toliver 140 - RGIII for President 99

Both #1 seeds took out a weak performance by a #6 seed.  Despite Darryl losing RGIII to injury, it would not have mattered.  Yashar smartly used his boy Yeevie and this one was over early.  Amazing to me that Darryl can drop 160 in 5 separate weeks and then fail to put up 100 in the semis.  Truly a boom or bust team throughout the entire year, and in the end that inconsistency was his demise.  I know your League 2 mates will be sad to see you go.

Threeing the Hogs 164 - Jersey Leshoure 91

Mike Young with a total beatdown of Ben here.  Ben remarkably had 3 players with goose eggs.  Any time 6 players on your team combine to score 15 points, you're fucked.  I'm sure at some point Mike was hoping that his players didn't use their good games too soon.  This team was a force to be reckoned with in Week 15 and has proved throughout the season that it is certainly worthy of League 1.

RELEGATION

Stanky Monkeys 255 - Coach Janky Spanky 220

This had been in the works for a long time this season.  EEB has been on a roller coaster all year.  He refused to believe he had a terrible team.  Then, he was terrible.  Then, he won a couple games.  Then, he thought he was going to win a championship.  Then, he was eliminated from the playoffs by his boy Pierre Garcon.  Then, he was relegated.  Lou came through and will remain in League 1 in 2013 while EEB moves down to League 2.

Here are some quotables in reaction to this news:

"Although we lost today, we will all be winners in August watching EEB draft in League 2" - Chris Woody
"At least a Woody can't win" - Eric Brooking
"He's out!!!!!!!!!" - Matt Atallian
"I don't want EEB" - Adam Tatz

There is a direct correlation between 2013 League 2 members and alcohol consumption at the draft.  It was a good run, but I am glad I get to enjoy Lou's drafting for yet another year.

CHAMPIONSHIP WEEK

Tequila Party Gnomes vs. Tweeting in the Trenches

This is TPG"s second championship appearance and the first for TITTY.  We do know that one of these teams will win their first championship.  Until Week 6 of this year, Fusco had never beaten Matt.  You have to expect that this will be another high scoring game.  These teams have both been near the top of the league in scoring all season, and it has continued into the playoffs.  I've thought for the entire season that Fusco's stable of receivers would be tough, and it has proved true thus far.  I think TPG is going to fall short, and TITTY will be crowned League 1 champion.

Commish's Pick: Tweeting in the Trenches

Team Toliver vs. Threeing the Hogs

These two teams have been at the top of the standings all season.  While neither faced much resistance in week 15, each put up a very strong, championship worthy performance.  Yashar and Mike Young have had great battles dating back to the ABC league, and Yashar recently referred to Mike as his kryptonite.  At some point that streak has to be snapped.  I like what I've seen from both of these teams.  Yashar has come through with huge wins all season.  I think it's his year.

Commish's Pick: Team Toliver

PROMOTION BATTLE

Jersey Leshoure vs. RGIII for President

Just a quick blurb about this 3rd place game.  Although there is some additional money at stake here, the winner will be promoted to League 1 next season.  The loser will remain in League 2.  Ben knocked off Darryl twice this season and will look to complete the trifecta.  I think Bob Griffin comes back this week, and I think he leads Darryl to victory.

Commish's Pick: RGIII for President


It has been a fun ride.  After all the dust has settled I will send out a final sheet with possible keepers and rosters for 2013.  Good luck to everyone in Championship Week.

I see you rolled your way into the Semis

Dios mio, man.  Despite this being the 2nd to last weekend of the season, we still have 10 teams playing with much at stake.  Over the next two weeks, more than $1200 in straight cash homey will be dished out to league participants.  No need to beat around the bush here.  Let's get into the details.

Quarterfinals

League 1

#5 Tweeting in the Trenches 137 - #4 Eat My Asomugha 104

I'd be lying if I said I didn't see this one coming.  Nick complained all year that I ragged on his team, but we all know it was well deserved.  Nick's only chance of advancing past the quarters would have been a bye or a gift matchup with Sam.  Neither of these happened,, so sadly your season is done.  You hitched your wagon to the Vick/DeSean combo, and unfortunately the wheels came undone and you were sent spiraling into disaster.  In his first playoff game, Fusco looked very strong.  This team will be a tough out.

#6 The King's Crusaders  127 - #3 Lady Luck 108

Another unsurprising result.  EEB must be looking at this score and questioning his purpose in life.  He was so, so close to Sam being eliminated, but instead must watch as Chris chalks up yet another playoff win.  Just another notch on the old belt.  We've all seen this before.  Chris squeaks out a week 14 win despite a low score.  He explodes for 160 in week 15.  His opponent puts up 78 points in week 16.  We can't let this happen.  When you're the lowest scoring of all 16 teams, advancing in the playoffs is just that much more difficult.

League 2

#5 Jersey Leshoure 169 - #4 Bo$$town Beasts 122

Cutter with a very respectable effort in defeat.  Ben used Chris Givens in a playoff game, yet still put up one of the most impressive playoff performances to date.  I can't imagine you'll get 40 from Cam Newton every week, but you have to be inspired by this performance.  The one silver lining in remaining in League 2 is that you know you will not get any keepers stolen from you.  I thought you truly had a shot of advancing Cutter.  In the end, your persistent use of Chiefs was just not strong enough.

#6 RGIII for President 164 - #3 Claiborne Supremacy 116

This is the only game the commish picked incorrectly.  Darryl has gone off yet again, after claiming the high score prize 4 times in the regular season.  If your defense puts up 41 points and you still lose by almost 50, it wasn't meant to be.  You've also learned one of the most valuable fantasy lessons which I had to deal with back during the Braylon Edwards / Derek Anderson Browns days... It snows in December.  You can never discount the effect of the elements.

Semifinals

League 1

#1 Tequila Party Gnomes v. #6 The King's Crusaders

Matt knew this was coming.  As much as I was rooting with you, we were never going to avoid this.  You do have some motivation, however.  The King beat you in the championship in 07, and then took you down in 08 as well.  You must be looking for revenge.  The last time Chris did not make the championship game was 2006.  Think about that for a second.  I just can't imagine what sort of deal he's made with the fantasy gods, but he's done it.  My heart is with the Gnomes.

Commish's pick: The King's Crusaders

#2 Dueling Pylons v. #5 Tweeting in the Trenches

These were the two highest scoring teams in the regular season.  They were consistently at or near the top of the power rankings.  You can be sure that this one is gonna be a shootout.  Perhaps that changes the mindset going into this one.  In 10 combined seasons, these franchises have a total of 2 playoff wins.  Neither has ever been to the championship game.  Hopefully these teams don't give too much and then put up 78 against the King, but it also seems inevitable.  This should be a fun one, but I think TITTY is just playing too well right now.

Commish's pick: Tweeting in the Trenches

League 2

#1 Team Toliver v. #6 RGIII for President

I can't believe you've stuck with your team name throughout the entire season.  There is a lot more than money at stake here.  The winner of this matchup will qualify for League 1 in 2013.  These teams combined to win 6 out of the 13 high score prizes this season.  I expect another high scoring affair.  Yashar swept the season series, and it might be tough to get a 3rd win.  But how healthy is RG3?  It always makes me nervous when a team puts up a monster week in the playoffs.  The only real question is how many Bills will Yashar use.

Commish's pick: Team Toliver

#2 Threeing the Hogs v. #5 Jersey Leshoure

I think it's safe to say that coming out of the draft, perception had these two teams right at the top.  Despite early season struggles, each turned it around to get one game away from the championship.  I can't imagine if you want to make the championship game, you'd want to start Chris Givens, but we will see.  I know that both of these guys are absolutely League 1 worthy, and we will welcome you with open arms in 2013.  I think this is a really close game.  But Mike's team is finally healthy when it matters most.

Commish's pick: Threeing the Hogs

RELEGATION BATTLE

Stanky Monkeys 109 - Coach Janky Spanky 92

While I would love to declare this case closed, the rules unfortunately say otherwise.  In a 2 week playoff matchup, you do not want to dig yourself a hole.  You also don't want to start 2 Chiefs, Chris Givens, or have 73 points going into Monday night, but I guess we have a cause and effect thing here.  Believe it or not, Aaron Rodgers has scored 17 points or less in 5 of his last 6 games.  He just doesn't look like the MVP quarterback we've seen in the past.

EEB has a lot of work to do.  His team is decimated with injuries.  Thankfully he has Brian Hartline waiting in  the wings.  I can't imagine what must be going through your mind setting your lineup in week 15.  It must be far more intense than setting a lineup in a championship.  Even had Lou not been starting week 15 with a lead, I still would have picked him.  This is truly the definition of "on the ropes".  It will be all over soon.

Commish's pick: Stanky Monkeys


It is unfortunate that there will only be 1 or 2 more blogs after this.  Far too many people end the season in tears.  Hopefully we will have a nice turnout this Sunday.  A number of us are still getting together to drink and yell at TV's.  That and the occasional Jets fan calling for playoffs after a 1 point win over the Cardinals and a 7 point win over the Jaguars.  Keep in mind that the winners of the 3rd place games in week 16 also will win money.  Additionally, the 3rd place game in League 2 will determine the 3rd member who will join League 1 next season.  Good luck to everyone in Week 15.

The Playoffs Have Arrived

After 13 grueling weeks of regular season, we finally have our 12 teams that will compete for EFFL immortality.  As a reminder, you can view the league payouts by clicking the EFFL Rulebook at the top of this page.  I'm sitting on a lot of cash, and I'm hoping I have to give out as little as possible.  What is even more remarkable is that at halftime of the final Monday night game of the regular season, teams 1-7 in League 1 still had not locked in their positioning.  That's how close things are.

Week 15 football Sunday in New York is still on.  For those who I haven't heard from, let me know if you can make it.  It should be a fun day.  Also, for Meech and Dosh, since you are eliminated you are no longer allowed to make any moves.  Since any player picked up now cannot be kept next year anyway, it doesn't put you at any disadvantage.  Once others are eliminated (except for relegation battle), you also cannot make any more moves.  Please don't put in any waiver claims.

I have no beef this week for the first time in a long time.  I've defeated three time league champ Chris Woody to clinch a first round bye.  My players can finally get some rest and come back strong in week 15.  Let's take a look at the first round playoff matchups.  The #1 seed will play the lowest remaining seed after week 14 and the #2 seed will play the highest remaining seed after week 14.

EFFL League 1

1. Tequila Party Gnomes (8-5) - The league doesn't have salsa music cued up like NBC, but surely the party is on for TPG.  The playoff clinching celebration went way overboard.  TPG is the #1 seed for the 2nd straight year and is hoping for something to erase the brutal, brutal defeat last year.  The bye is certainly a good way to start.  Keep an eye on those Falcons...

2. Dueling Pylons (8-5) - It's been a season of runs for the Pylons.  3 wins, 2 losses, 2 wins, 3 losses, 3 wins.  In the end, the Pylons narrowly took the highest scoring team across both leagues which is worth exactly $0.  This franchise is the Philadelphia Eagles of the EFFL.  Been to the semis 4 times and still have yet to make the big game.  Perhaps this is the year they finally get over the hump, only to puke with the big game on the line.

3. Lady Luck (7-6) v. 6. The King's Crusaders (6-7)

Heading into Monday night, Sam wasn't even assured of a playoff spot.  Now, she is the #3 seed and gets reward by having to face the defending champion.  I guess this is better than an all Woody championship.  Chris used to dominate this series, but Sam has won 5 of the last 6, including the 2010 EFFL championship.  In a matchup of the past 3 champions, I think the King has to be the favorite.

Commish's pick: The King's Crusaders

4. Eat My Asomugha (7-6) v. 5. Tweeting in the Trenches (6-7)

It took 4 years, and a 4th straight 6-7 season, but Fusco has finally gotten in to the EFFL playoffs.  Interestingly, losing to Sam enabled you to avoid the King.  Couldn't have asked for a more favorable matchup either.  Nick has failed to break 100 points in 3 of the final 4 weeks.  Fusco hasn't scored less than 100 all season.  While an upset seems like a longshot, I've seen far worse from Gambino.  I'm picking the team that has scored the most.

Commish's pick: Tweeting in the Trenches

RELEGATION BATTLE

7. Coach Janky Spanky (6-7) v. 8. Stanky Monkeys (4-9)

After a furious rally and a strong Sunday afternoon, it appeared that EEB was going to pull off the impossible.  Then Lady Luck stabbed him in the gut.  The fearsome foursome of Bryce Brown, Ahmad Bradshaw, Pierre Garcon and Lawrence Tynes ruined his life.  I told EEB that Garcon would score a TD to give Sam, and the Redskins, the win.  Let's hope he's still alive.

But there is a task at hand.  These two teams have faced off 2 of the past 3 weeks, and now will face each other for 2 straight weeks.  Weeks 14 and 15 will be combined, and the highest score will remain in League 1 in 2013.  Lou has not won a game since week 6, but this is now a clean slate.  I think this may be even more exciting than the actual playoff matches.  I think Lou can finally get it together after going missing for 2 months and stay in.

Commish's pick: Stanky Monkeys

EFFL League 2

1. Team Toliver (9-4) - After a shaky couple of weeks, Yashar finished strong and locked up the #1 seed. It's nice when the highest scoring team ends up at the top.  You were perfect in the power rankings (best record, most points, best in breakdown).  Enjoy the week off.

2. Threeing the Hogs (8-5) - Mike Y you sneaky bastard.  That push by Dez at the end of the Eagles-Cowboys had big effects in this league.  Because he didn't have enough, you were able to grab the 2nd bye. While you haven't had a huge week down the stretch, you finished strong and have to be feeling confident.  One playoff win will send you to League 1.

3. Claiborne Supremacy (7-6) v. 6. RGIII for President (6-7)

Both of these teams appeared to be headed for far better seasons than they had.  Darryl won 4 high score prizes.  But both sputtered down the stretch and were lucky that Dosh and Big Mike couldn't win a game.  The last time these teams met, Darryl dropped 174 on Tatz.  You never want to give your opponent a cause for revenge.  I think that the Supremacy shakes out of his funk and downs RGIII.  I anticipate a high scoring game.

Commish's pick: Claiborne Supremacy

4. Bo$$town Beasts (7-6) v. 5. Jersey Leshoure (6-7)

In one of the great comebacks in league history, Ben made up 3 games in the final 3 weeks to overtake the Heads of State and sneak into the playoffs.  Cutty was one of the few teams that Ben had success against all season, but you know that they say it's always hard to beat a team 3 times in one season.  The Jordy Nelson injury is going to hurt.  This is going to be a close one, but I'm going to give Leshoure the slight edge.  The loser will remain in League 2 next season.

Commish's pick: Jersey Leshoure

The Heads of State and BABY TEES will remain in League 2 next year.  Three other League 2 members will remain in addition to some new blood.

I'll be enjoying my week off, as I haven't had one in 5 years.  Good luck to all of the teams remaining.  Only 4 can say they've ever been an EFFL Champion.

Down to the Final Week

This is my favorite time of year. You get to stuff your face with lots of food and alcohol and nobody
cares how much. In addition, I get to point and laugh at teams that miss the playoffs and prepare myself
for yet another failed attempt to even make the championship game. It was another week of truly awful
NFL games. It amazes me every single week how many bad teams there are. Texans-Lions was the only
reasonably entertaining game.  Also, it makes me laugh that Jim Harbaugh finally got his excuse to bench Alex Smith.  They inquired about Peyton Manning.  Smith didn't cry like Cutler and demand out of town.  He just came back with his tail between his legs and got benched for the most jacked QB and the worst nose in the league.  The Niners look tough.

What's also amusing to me is that the two teams in each league that were ridiculed the most at the draft are the two that are in last place.  Turns out people know what they are talking about.  Unfortunately, with only one week left in the EFFL regular season, there is no time left to make up ground.  All you can hope for at this point is that you've either got a shot, or you're not EEB.  I'm still truly stunned at how close everyone is this year.  Usually there's at least one or two teams that are far above the competition, but throughout the entire season, it has remained extremely tight.  The trade deadline went off without any major moves.  Keep in mind again that anybody added from this point forward is not eligible to be kept next year.  See the bottom of the blog for the 2013 keeper rules.  I've tried to come up with a system that helps everybody.

Beef of the Week: I enjoy living in New York.  There are multiple bars with NFL Sunday Ticket on every block.  But one of the things that drove me insane about NY before I moved here are the people.  It starts with a simple "AY!!! LOOKADISGUY!!!"  This week it was some jackass in an early 90s Giants Jesse Armstead jersey screaming at Rams-Cardinals because he has a gambling problem.  Tension reached a head when he danced and shouted at an ancient Steven Jackson "COME ON KID!!!"  This is something Chris Fusco would say in 2001 as a teenager.  No adult male should be using the term "kid" to describe Steven Jackson.  This epitomized the New Yorker that everyone hates.  It really is amazing that just one innocent phrase can be so infuriating, but damn that ranked high on the beef meter.

Now, if you read everything above here, I'm sure you're wondering why you've had to read so long to find out where your team stands.  This is one of my favorite parts of the blog... The scenario generator.  It's like the app where you can click potential winners in the NCAA Tournament and see where your picks would end up if it actually happened.  Let's get into it.

EFFL League 1

* 1. Dueling Pylons (7-5) - How could this be???  The last time the Pylons earned a bye was in 2007.  A win over the King in week 13 would lock up the #1 or #2 seed.  With a loss, this team will almost certainly be playing somebody in the wild card round in week 14.  Regardless, the Pylons have locked up a playoff spot and will remain in League 1 next season.  Remarkably, if the Pylons lose, 8-5 will be the #1 seed and 7-6 will be the #2 seed.

* 2. Eat My Asomugha (7-5) - Everything written about the Pylons pretty much holds true for Nick.  This team has never earned a bye since joining the league, but just needs one win over TPG to do it.  The winner of EMA-TPG is guaranteed a first round bye.  The unfortunate thing for Nick is that with a loss this team cannot get a bye and is guaranteed to have a week 14 matchup.

* 3 Tequila Party Gnomes (7-5) - The Gnomes knocked off a hapless Lady Luck squad to qualify for the 2012 playoffs.  This will be the Gnomes 6th straight playoff appearance which is a very impressive streak.  With a win over Nick, TPG will lock up the #1 seed regardless of any other results.  Likewise a loss will mean that TPG will have to face somebody in week 14.  It's worth noting that Nick and Matt cannot face each other in week 14.

4. Lady Luck (6-6) - By virtue of a win over both Christophers in weeks 1 and 3, Lady Luck currently owns the tiebreaker over both and occupies the fourth spot.  Make no mistake about it though... This team is no certainty to make the playoffs.  Here are a few things we know: 1. A win will clinch a playoff spot. 2. This team cannot get a bye. 3. An EEB loss will clinch a playoff spot.  4. A loss, EEB victory, and King victory will eliminate this team.  5. A loss, EEB victory and King outscoring EEB on the season will eliminate this team.

5. The King's Crusaders (6-6) - Chris is in far better shape than Sam for a playoff spot despite being currently behind.  Did a nice job to pass Fusco in points.  Win and you're in.  You may actually end up being helped out by Fusco's high point total because if you end up in a three way tie with him and EEB, one of you is likely to win the tiebreaker, and then you own head-to-head tiebreaker.  The only way you can be eliminated is if EEB wins and beats you in season points, you lose, and Sam loses.  That would be a dramatic turn of events.  With one week to go, can be out completely or still get a bye.  A dramatic effort from Cam Newton just wasn't enough.

6. Tweeting in the Trenches (6-6) - Despite being below Lady Luck, this team is in far better position to qualify for the playoffs.  Disregarding everything else, as long as EEB doesn't outscore Fusco by 79 points in week 13, Fusco will be in.  This team is actually still in play for a bye if the Pylons lose, but more than likely will be playing somebody in week 14.  A loss, EEB victory, King victory and being outscored by 79 is what it would take to eliminate you.

7. Coach Janky Spanky (5-7) - Hanging by a thread, but you are somehow still in it.  You must win a 3rd straight elimination game to stay alive.  The best case scenario for you is if Chris Woody and Fusco both win.  If both Woodys win, you're out.  You need to either end up in a two way tie with Sam Woody or get a 3 way tie and hope that you can overtake Fusco, Chris Woody, or both in points to stay alive.  This should be interesting.

x 8. Stanky Monkeys (4-8) - The Pylons officially knocked the Stanky Monkeys out of the playoffs and ensured that Lou will be in the relegation battle.  Prepare your team, as a two week playoff against the #7 team will determine who will move to League 2.  Most likely it will be EEB or Sam.  While I do feel bad that you've missed the playoffs for a 2nd straight season, I'm sure you'll be back.  Just know that if you beat EEB's ass this week, it gives you the right to beat his ass two more weeks in a row and send that clown down.

EFFL League 2

* 1. Team Toliver (8-4) - Yashar took advantage of a reeling Tatz squad and now is looking to be in outstanding position for a bye.  Actually, I'm going to call it right now.  I don't see any way that Cutter outscores you by more than 100 points next week, so you sir will officially have a first round bye.  Take some time getting settled in Austin.  Your next important matchup will be in week 15.  You will need to win one of two games to move up to League 1.

* 2. Bo$$town Beasts (7-5) - I have to be honest.  I thought this team was lucky to start 4-1 and was not all that surprised when this team lost 4 straight.  Over the past couple weeks, I'm now starting to believe.  Cutty locked up a playoff spot and is surely in play for a bye.  I hope you hit that bowl after clinching.  I'm sure you did regardless.

* 3. Threeing the Hogs (7-5) - Just didn't have enough steam to get the comeback Monday night.  You'll probably finish in the 2-3 range, but your bye chances took a severe hit with a loss to cellar dweller Dosh.  Benching Julio Jones in favor of Miles Austin did not appear to be a wise decision.  Getting some momentum heading into the playoffs is going to be important.

 4. RGIII for President (6-6) - A tough loss against a desperate team in week 12 was unavoidable.  Despite the loss, it would take something truly remarkable for this team to be knocked out of the playoffs.  You would need to lose, have Meech win, have Ben win, have Tatz win, and have Meech outscore you by over 100 points to not get in.  You have nothing to worry about.  Your point total is going to be more than enough to get you in.

5. Claiborne Supremacy (6-6) - It looked like you had a real shot at the bye for awhile.  Despite falling to 5th, like Darryl you're really in no danger of missing the playoffs.  If Darryl wins, you're in.  If you win, you're in.  If Ben or Meech lose, you're in.  To miss the playoffs, Darryl must lose, you must lose, Ben and Meech must win.  Additionally, Ben and Meech must both outscore Darryl's season point total, which is around a 100 point difference each.  You'll be fine.

6. The Heads of State (5-7) - I can't believe this team is a tiebreaker away from being out.  Basically, if you win or Ben loses, you'll get in.  If you lose and he wins, you're out.  I don't see either of you overtaking Darryl's points lead and Tatz owns the head-to-head tiebreaker over both you and Ben.  Who would've thought that Fitz, Money Mike and Vernon Davis would combine for just 7 points in one of the most critical weeks.  Hey, I guess when your QBs are Ryan Lindley, Charlie Batch, and Colin Kaepernick, anything can happen.

7. Jersey Leshoure (5-7) - Got another must have game in the win column and is still alive.  You have to win and have Big Meech lose to get in.  There's really not much else to say.  If you thought it was funny this week that Dez was streaking down the field and doing unlawful things to the Skins secondary, just imagine what he's gonna do against Nnamdi.  All you can ask for is to have a shot at the end.  I wish you good luck.

x 8. BABY TEES (4-8) - Unfortunately your game against Tatz in week 13 is going to be pretty meaningless.  The good news is that your season is mercifully just about done and remarkably you cracked 100 points in every week but one.  Maybe allowing teams to start 4 tight ends next year would level the playing field for you.

I've also been thinking about what is going to happen with keepers for next year, and I've come up with the following:

1. If you do not change leagues, everyone on your roster who is eligible to be a keeper will remain on your team.

2. For the three teams that move up to League 1, any ineligible keepers (drafted in top 40), as well as any eligible players still on a League 1 roster will be removed from your roster.  The three teams will then have a "mini-draft" to ravage the team that was sent down.

For example, if Yashar moves up, he has Percy Harvin as an eligible keeper.  Since he was drafted in the first 5 rounds by Woody, he would already have been removed from his roster in the offseason.  As a result, Yashar could keep Harvin.  Yashar also has his boy Tony G.  EEB also has Tony G.  Since he is eligible in League 1, if EEB does NOT get sent down (unlikely), Yashar could not keep Gonzalez, as EEB would take priority as a remaining League 1 member.  The mini-draft would take place after this process is completed.

3. For the one team that goes from League 1 to League 2, the same criteria apply.  The new League 2 member can choose ONE additional player not on his roster to add from the three former members after all ineligible players are removed.  This process does not give any severe disadvantage to the remaining teams in League 2.

Despite this being multiple steps, it shouldn't be too difficult to enforce.  We will cross that bridge when we reach it, but I wanted to put something in writing before the end of the season.  I hope this appeases everybody.  Good luck to everyone in the final week of the season.  I'm looking forward to the playoffs.

Distractions Prove Costly

There are a few things I hate when it comes to fantasy football.  Near the top of this list: having to change the blog after it’s written, and seeing Nick Gambino in sole possession of first place.  I can’t believe it’s happened, but it did.  I could have sworn Fusco had it in the bag, but he is now in serious danger due to an awful Monday night performance.

Before we get into all of the playoff scenarios, I want to make a few points.  I am using, not abusing, my power as commissioner to extend the trading deadline.  If Goodell can do it, so can I.  As has been done in the past, ESPN demands that your trading deadline be on a Wednesday at noon.  I don’t like this structure.  I am overruling this and extending the deadline by 12 hours to midnight Wednesday night.  Provided both teams approve a trade before midnight, I will manually go in and adjust rosters to reflect the trade.

Second, keep in mind that any player added after week 12 CANNOT be kept next year.  I am still in the process of working out a system so that teams who change leagues can keep their own players.  If you stay in your current league, you will not have any keepable players taken away from you.  Remarkably, through 11 weeks, the only person we can officially say will remain in the same league next year is Dosh.  Based on his draft, this is hardly a surprise.  If you are unsure about what players are eligible keepers, open the history sheet on the blog.  There is plenty of information there.

I have far too much beef with the Eagles “brass” to fit into one blog entry.  Everyone must go.  Lurie needs to grab Jon Gruden out of the booth, have him trade the entire team for draft picks, and get to work.  

What’s really saddening to me is that Andy Reid has quite obviously lost his eye for talent.  I used always assume that Andy knew what he was doing, but as time has passed, this has become far less true.  See what Foles has, and if he doesn’t have it, trade up and draft Matt Barkley.  This team needs to draft a franchise quarterback.

It appears that 7 is the magic number of wins in both leagues.  Getting to 7 wins guarantees that you will be in the playoffs.  I am still looking at getting together for week 15 (December 16^th).  I’ve gotten confirmations from Fusco, Dosh and Tatz thus far.  Here’s how things are shaping up:

EFFL League 1:

*** Keep in mind that every team that is 6-5 will clinch a playoff spot with a win OR will clinch a playoff spot with EEB and Lou defeats.  We know that at least one of EEB and Lou will be in the relegation battle.  The relegation battle is a two week combined matchup in weeks 14 and 15 to send one team down to League 2.  In all honesty, there’s a very real possibility that we’ll all be sitting around during Giants-Skins in 2 weeks waiting to determine the playoff matchups. ***

* 1. Eat My Asomugha (7-4) – If Sam is Lady Luck, then this team has to be at best Mannish Luck.  Despite being near the bottom in league points, Nick has locked up a playoff spot in 2012.  A first round bye is an actual possibility, but I wouldn’t count on it yet.  Faces a desperate EEB squad in week 12.  The over/under should be around 200.  This team probably needs the bye to avoid an early exit.

2. The King’s Crusaders (6-5) – The King emerges from the massive tie looking fairly strong.  Currently in bye position and holding his own fate.  Probably has the toughest remaining schedule against the Pylons and TITTY, but I doubt this team is intimidated.  Winner of 5 straight, many are left asking how Woody has done it yet again.

3. Tequila Party Gnomes (6-5) – I’ve had to shift the standings multiple times.  Since Fusco dropped out of the tiebreaker, Woody grabbed the top spot, but TPG owns tiebreakers over both Lady Luck and the Pylons.  Has the schedule you’d want down the stretch.  The only real danger at this point would be somehow ending up in a two way tie with EEB.  This seems highly unlikely, but I wouldn’t want to risk it.

4. Dueling Pylons (6-5) – The Pylons suffered a massive blow with the injury to Gronk, but finally broke the losing streak in the process.  It’s amazing what happens when you don’t get 140 dropped on you every week.  Had the Pylons scored 7 more points, they’d be in the bye position right now, but there is time left.  Considering the recent success against Lady Luck, a playoff matchup would be welcomed.

5. Lady Luck (6-5) – Considering Sam and Lou split the season series, this team should feel very fortunate that EEB snuck out a victory despite another pathetic performance.  Faces two of the top teams in the last two weeks, and I wouldn’t be all that surprised to see this team finish 6-7, which still may be enough.  The season sweep of EMA may not come into play.

6. Tweeting in the Trenches (5-6) – What a meltdown from Fusco.  Looked extremely good going into Sunday night with Ray Ray and BMarsh going against the Gambino special teams.  It was not to be.  Perhaps because these are EEB’s go to guys and he’s never won anything.  After a heartbreaking defeat, the last thing you want to see is The King’s Crusaders on the docket.  This will make for an interesting final two weeks to see if Fusco can finally get in.

7. Coach Janky Spanky (4-7) – This is where things get interesting.  Fought off elimination with a stellar 103 point performance against Lou and got a gift with the Fusco defeat.  This team is hanging by a thread, but it does exist.  Must defeat Gambino OR get a Fusco loss AND Lou win to stay alive.  Then must beat Lou and have help to get in.  Cannot end up in a 1 v 1 tiebreaker with TITTY.

8. Stanky Monkeys (4-7) – Missed a golden opportunity to get back into the playoff hunt, but it is not over yet.  Now with 5 straight losses, the hill may be too high to climb.  Must defeat the Pylons in week 12, get a win in week 13 and get some help from around the league since this team will probably not pass Fusco in points scored. During the 5 game losing streak, the Monkeys have scored only 550 points.  It could be a second straight season missing the playoffs for Lou.

EFFL League 2:

*** Yashar is in.  Mike Y is in.  Dosh is out.  The playoff race became a lot less clear in week 11. ***

* 1. Threeing The Hogs (7-4) – Snuck out a week 11 win in unimpressive fashion to lock up a playoff spot.  Had Tatz chosen to start a defense on a bye over the Bears, he would have won by 1 point.  Due to tiebreaker over Yashar, Mike currently occupies the top spot.  Faces a hapless Dosh squad in week 12, so it is looking increasingly likely that this squad will earn a bye and possible promotion.

* 2. Team Toliver (7-4) – A win in week 11 would have gone a very long way in locking up a first round bye.  Still looking OK for a bye and would most likely lock one up with a victory over the Tatz.  There was nothing you could have done this week.  Don’t blame your use of multiple Bills.  Stay the course.

3. RGIII for President (6-5) – Remarkably Darryl has won his 4^th high score of the week!  Nobody else has even won two of these!  That’s a quick $40 to Mr. Hazelwood before any league earnings.  Looking OK for a playoff spot and has the tiebreaker over the other two 6-5 teams.  A win this week would knock Ben out and lock the other 4 teams into playoff spots.

4. Claiborne Supremacy (6-5) – Despite your trek out west to root against your opponent in person, the effort was in vain.  Still in fine shape for the playoffs, but the matchup with Yashar is probably your only shot for a bye.  If you can’t pull that one off, you would need a lot of help to get it.  Unfortunate turn of events after your team has performed so well over the last couple of weeks.  Has tiebreaker over Cutter due to more points scored.

5. Bo$$town Beasts (6-5) – It has to be a great feeling when your opponent only scores 56 points.  But knowing that your team is finally putting it together as the playoffs approach is even better.  Definitely still in play for a bye, but with a loss and Ben victory this week, you could be looking at elimination.  Win and you’re in bo$$.

6. The Heads of State (5-6) – An absolutely horrific showing in week 11.  Good thing you beat Ben twice and have the tiebreaker over him.  This is the classic recipe of the teams on the bubble during tourney time.  Beat up on the weak teams, grab a win here and there, and hope to sneak in.  It may actually work.

7. Jersey Leshoure (4-7) – Finally snapped the 4 game losing streak and got a win to save your season.  The bad news is that the only remaining 5 win team owns a tiebreaker over you.  What this means is that you must win both remaining games and get some help.  It is not impossible for you to still make the playoffs, but a loss will eliminate you.  Still can’t believe you benched Ray Rice for Danny Amendola.

x - 8. BABY TEES (3-8) – At 3-8, your goose is officially cooked.  Nothing worse than being eliminated before Thanksgiving.  The reality is that the best you could hope for is either a two way tie with Meech or a 3 way tie with Ben and Meech.  In either scenario, Mike would own head-to-head tiebreakers and would therefore qualify for the playoffs.  As a result, there is no scenario under which you could qualify.  It was obvious after the draft that your season was destined for futility.  Turns out everyone knew what they were talking about.  The worst thing you can do is let the rest of the league know your Kryptonite.

After a wild finish Monday night, the playoff races have taken dramatic turns.  It looked like we knew which teams would be in and out after this week, but a complete breakdown by perennial bottom-feeder Chris Fusco has thrown things into a frenzy.  I hope you all enjoy your Thanksgiving this week.  I’d be shocked to learn of anyone that plans to drink more than I do.

Singing the Blues

With 10 weeks in the books and only 3 weeks left until the playoffs, there is precious little time left to make a move towards the playoffs.  It is far more enjoyable to me to analyze playoff scenarios instead of finding a new way to talk about the same players you’ve had on your roster since August.  Our first team, Yashar Toliver’s “Team Toliver”, has locked up a playoff spot in League 2.  He is looking like a very strong bet at this point to be one of the teams promoted to League 1.  While I like Yashar, our mutual interest in the Bills is an issue.  This is the highly anticipated blog where we convert from power rankings to playoff standings.  It’s the only way I can justify keeping EEB in last place, which is necessary humor.

I would like to propose a league get together in Week 15 in NYC.  The date is Sunday, December 16^th.  A few things will happen that Sunday.  The relegation battle will conclude with a team from League 1 (Janky Spanky) being demoted to League 2.  Also, the two winners of the semifinal games in League 2 will secure promotion for 2013.  We also will determine the two finalists that will fight for the EFFL trophy.  I know it’s difficult for everyone to get together during the season due to location, but it would be fun during such a critical week.  I am opening my apartment to any and all guests.  Please let me know if you’re interested ASAP so I can make the appropriate arrangements.

Before we get into the deserved bashing of many teams, I would like to include one of the all time great text message rants, brought to you by future League 2 member Eric Brooking:

“No luck at all.  A loss should not have occurred.  Besides the fact of me scoring 137 and still losing, the refs had no interest in letting the Chiefs win that game last night.  So many bad calls against the Chiefs.  None bigger than the Bowe TD called back.  But what are you going to do.  Who would guess that Woody would score a TD from every chump he put up in the lineup?  Who is Greg Olsen?  There is voodoo in Cro’s league.  No other explanation.  You (Matt) always get first pick, Sam scores 5 points a game and is always above .500.  I’m right up with you (Matt), Cro and Fusco for top scoring for the year and I’m 3-7.  Malcom Floyd too.  That guy has the same bone structure of Sidney Rice.  He should be broken by now.”

Where to even start with this?  It’s bad enough that you get ripped on for a month and a half straight for using multiple Chiefs.  When you finally decide to pull the plug, you use Michael Turner?!?!?  It’s not the referees’ fault.  It’s not the “experts’” fault.  It’s not voodoo… It’s you.  Bad, bad managing.  You’ve committed cardinal sin #1 by trading with Woody at the trading deadline.  You’ve now committed sin #2… making a trade during the week you play Woody.  You can’t get out of your own way, and now as a result you are on the verge of being eliminated from the playoffs.  I don’t wanna hear it about how many points you’ve scored.  I’m on pace to blow away a league record for points against.  I may finally have a chance to win something.  The only team thus far that is truly undeserving of their record is Sam Woody.  Only once this season has she had higher than the 10^th best scoring week across both leagues (#7), yet is somehow 6-4.

Beef of the week has been abandoned this week due to lack of beef and abundance of hilarious blog material.  Keep in mind that the trading deadline is next Wednesday, November 21^st at noon.  Nothing gets you fired up for Thanksgiving like a last minute trade.  But let’s get into the playoff scenarios and take a look at how things are shaping up.

EFFL League 1

1. Tequila Party Gnomes (6-4) – Heading into Monday night, held the slimmest of margins over the Pylons.  I’m sure an injured Big Ben on Monday night brought back haunting memories of a semifinal defeat in 2011.  Even if it didn’t, I just brought it up.  Think about that.  TPG controls their own fate for a bye as they face the #2 and #3 teams, according to the standings, in the last two weeks of the season.  Looking great for the playoffs at this point.

2. Lady Luck (6-4) – How this team is in bye position is unthinkable.  Has scored more than 100 points fewer than the next closest team, yet is in a great position for a playoff spot.  The problem here is that in the final three weeks of the season, Lady Luck faces the three highest scoring teams in the league.  6-4 could easily turn into 6-7 and put this team right on the edge.  In the meantime, still hanging in.  Sam hasn’t missed the playoffs since 2008.

3. Eat My Asomugha (6-4) – The best part about the loss to Sam is that I didn’t have to hear about how great this awful team is.  If the playoffs started today, the wild card round would feature Nnamdi v. Pylons.  You don’t want anything to do with that seeing as you’re 1-8 against the Pylons in your last 9 matchups.  The game against Fusco is big this week as I know he would love to pass you.  This is your one and only meeting, so the winner will have the tiebreaker.

4. The King’s Crusaders (5-5) – This is so sad to see after a 1-5 start, but that is history now.  Likewise with Sam, you also face the three highest scoring teams in the final three weeks, but I doubt you’ll be fazed by that.  This team has been on a tear as of late and is certainly still in play for a bye.  Winning out and getting to 8-5 could certainly be enough.  More impressive than your run of 4 straight victories is your continual bashing of EEB.  It’s well deserved.

5. Tweeting in the Trenches (5-5) – Another team that has crawled back from the bottom of the standings.  An 0-4 start is also distant history.  Plays both Woody’s and Gambino to finish out the season, but the real work was done in week 10.  The win over Lou was absolutely massive, as a loss would have almost sunk TITTY.  Being in the middle of the pack is not a bad thing, but needs to keep the foot on the pedal.  I would have advised trading more white guys to EEB.

6. Dueling Pylons (5-5) – The Pylons have not fallen below 3^rd in the power rankings this season, so seeing this team in 6^th is quite sobering.  It’s even more interesting considering if the Pylons had pulled out the win Monday night, they would actually be the #1 seed right now.  This team needs to be careful not to look ahead to the massive matchup in week 12 with Stanky, but this team needs a win desperately at this point.

7. Stanky Monkeys (4-6) – Took an unfortunate loss in week 10, but has the chance to make up for it down the stretch.  Due to a quirky schedule, gets to face bottom-feeder EEB twice in the final three weeks.  The other matchup is with the #6 Dueling Pylons, so this team’s season is far from over.  You can knock EEB out with a victory.  I hope you do.  Gotta get out of that 4 game funk.

8. Coach Janky Spanky (3-7) – Can you hear the music?  I believe that’s “Nearer my God to Thee”… the last song played aboard the Titanic upon it’s plummet into the ocean floor.  Here’s a fun fact.  Including last year’s playoff drubbing at the hands of Woody, this team is 4-13 in its last 17 games.  Hardly the sign of a league powerhouse.  Although you have the opportunity to pass Lou, getting ahead of another team will be a very difficult task.  This team is truly on the verge of playoff elimination, and if Janky Spanky does not end up in the relegation battle, it would be absolutely stunning.

EFFL League 2

* 1. Team Toliver (7-3) – The only 7-3 team has locked up a playoff spot, and as indicated above is looking very good for a bye.  After a couple of down weeks, Tron exploded all over Meech.  Your use of an inactive Percy Harvin was a questionable decision, but it paid off for you.  I’m expecting big things from this team in the playoffs, and the way things are going, you may not need a healthy running back until Week 15.

2. Threeing the Hogs (6-4) – Is currently in bye position due to head-to-head tiebreaker with Tatz.  Seeing as you play Tatz this week, a win would go a long way in locking up a bye.  The winner of your game will lock up a playoff spot, and the loser could even clinch as well if it falls that way.  7 wins is the magic number in this league.  That should be a fun game.

3. Claiborne Supremacy (6-4) – Got enough out of Big Ben before he suffered a “brutal” injury.  There’s a rape joke in here somewhere.  I’ll defer to Nick.  It’s always a good feeling when you get through your best players’ bye weeks with a victory, and this team is far too good to miss the playoffs at this point.  Really needs a win in week 11 to have a shot at the bye, but this team should be a serious contender for the title.

4. RGIII for President (5-5) – Darryl collected his 3^rd $10 prize of the season, which is already almost half of his entry fee.  Remarkably, this team has done very little outside of those 3 monster weeks.  This team is officially a hit or miss team, and my feelings about these squads are not positive.  That being said, has a two game lead for a playoff spot and owns some tiebreakers.  Could see Yashar rest his stars with a bye locked up, so that may work in your favor.

5. Bo$$town Beasts (5-5) – Cutter!!! The man who stuck to the plan, went with double Chiefs Monday night, and came out of it with a win.  It really wouldn’t have mattered which RB you started because you don’t have Michael Turner.  Really needed the win in week 10 and now has some breathing room.  You play the two teams below you still, so you can either knock them out or keep them in it.  I’d advise doing the opposite of whatever EEB does.

6. The Heads of State (5-5) – Didn’t have enough firepower to take down Yashar this week.  I keep waiting for this team to break out, but it seems to always end up back in the middle of the pack.  The 49ers defense should have done far better against the Rams.  Doesn’t have the easiest of schedules ahead, and I think this team could be in the most danger of falling out of the playoffs.  Still, in great shape.

7. BABY TEES (3-7) – Couldn’t keep the two game winning streak going in week 10.  You really can’t complain, however, as you were the lowest scoring team.  The end of this team’s season is in sight.  If you can’t take down Cutter this week, that’s it.  On a lifeline for the playoffs, and it would be truly shocking if Dosh was able to turn it around.  If only this were a 4 TE league, you might be in decent shape.

8. Jersey Leshoure (3-7) – At least you finally got Doug Martin in your lineup this week.  This team only has three players that are top 10 at their position, and when that happens, you’re screwed.  When your season is on the line, the last thing you want to see is the #1 team on your schedule.  Hopefully Yashar can just put you out of your misery.  I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the two people raving about their drafting superiority in AC are the two at the bottom of the standings.

With only 3 weeks remaining, things are getting very serious.  Multiple teams are on the verge of clinching a playoff spot, and multiple teams are on the verge of elimination.

The No Tackling League

Ah Election Day.  One of my favorite holidays.  The day where 2 candidates see their work of trying to convince a regional majority of people that they will personally help them more than the other candidate come to fruition.  Politics are stupid.  Whether it be someone else deciding how we spend our money or Roger Goodell telling men they’re not allowed to work after committing a crime, politics are stupid.  What is also stupid: benching Doug Martin in favor of Darren McFadden.  Ben is currently in Mexico, but when he returns, he surely will be distraught at his decisions.  How have players in the league gotten so bad at the basic skill of tackling?  I have to assume ESPN is to blame.  That should be question #1 at the combine... Can you tackle?

2012 is an outstanding year for the EFFL.  Not one team is better than 6-3 and not one team is worse than 3-6 across both leagues.  It is extremely competitive, and it’s great to see that in the middle of November, all 16 teams are in the hunt and should be for awhile.  The highest scoring team across both leagues belongs to Adam Tatz.  I was shocked at this development, but his #1 pick of Aaron Rodgers seems to be paying off.  He’s the highest scoring player in the league.  For any of you starting a Jaguars or Colts player this Thursday, you should apologize to your opponent for forcing them to watch arguably the worst broadcast in the history of football.  Nobody should watch that garbage.

Teams continue to ravage me like a cheap whore.  The Pylons have allowed 872 points over their last 6 games… good for more than 145 PPG.  That’s 100 points more than the next closest opponent.  With no end to this assault in sight, it could be a rough end to the season for a promising squad.  It also appears that Yashar and Mike Young are the only two teams that could lock up a playoff spot this week.  Things must fall the right way for this to happen so soon.

The Beef of the Week this week is brought to you by Butcher Bar in Astoria.  This is definitely one of the best BBQ places around, and nothing gets you going for football like a gorgeous waitress making meat recommendations.  Naturally, she recommended a sandwich called the 50/50, aka the Half and Half… Fusco knows what I’m talking about.

I have some serious beef this week to which everyone can relate.  You’re at a bar screaming things like “Come on Andy!  Throw it to Tiger 84 in the slot!  Please!!!!”  All of the sudden, some mannish, gigantic woman is screaming at the top of her lungs for every single Colts first down.  There is absolutely no need for this.  We get it.  You’re drinking beer.  You have tons of testosterone pumping.  Don’t try to ruin everyone else’s time by annoying the shit out of them when T.Y. Hilton catches a 5 yard pass on 3^rd and 2.  Usually this is a Steelers fan, but this past Sunday was just unbearable.  If I owned a business, I’d kick people like this out.  You’ve all seen it.  You’ve all been annoyed by it.  We need to all come together to prevent things like this from happening again in the future.

Congrats to Adam Tatz on winning the $10 prize in week 9.  The one thing we can agree on is that drunk yelling at Giants fans is an outstanding pastime.  On to the power rankings:

EFFL League 1

1. Tweeting in the Trenches (4-5) – Last week: 2 – After an 0-4 start, this team is finally coming together.  Despite winning 4 of 5, this week has an absolutely critical matchup with the Stanky Monkeys.  A loss could be devastating since this team is hovering around the bottom of the playoffs.  I think right now this team is playing the best in the league, and I would not want to face this team down the stretch.

2. Dueling Pylons (5-4) – Last week: 1 – The Pylons fall out of the top spot after an uninspiring week 9 performance.  As I’ve said all along, this team will only go as far as the wide receivers take them, and having 3 receivers combine for 11 points Is never going to get it done.  Should certainly have better days ahead but really cannot afford to have too many more slip ups.  Week 10 showdown with TPG will make the difference for the winner.

3. Tequila Party Gnomes (5-4) – Last week: 3 – Came through on Monday night for the first time in a long time.  Really need the win over Lady Luck to snap a 3 game losing streak and right the ship.  If TPG can get past the Pylons, this team must feel confident knowing that its last 2 games are against Sam and Nick.  This team is due to break out, and what better way than a matchup against the league whipping boy?

4. The King’s Crusaders (4-5) – Last week: 4 – The fact that this team started 1-5 is a distant memory.  The King has found his stride and is now looking to assert himself as a league power.  A week 10 showdown with EEB is highly anticipated.  I must admit I’ve received a ton of smack talk about how awful Janky Spanky is.  Now it’s time to put your money where your mouth is.  A victory here will go a long way in getting to the playoffs.

5. Eat My Asomugha (6-3) – Last week: 6 – This is such a hit or miss squad.  They’ve finished #2 or #3 in weekly scoring 4 times and #6, 7 or 8 in scoring 5 times.  I’m not a believer.  I think this team is fortunate to have a 6-3 record, but the wins are in the book.  7-6 should be good enough to get into the playoffs, and 8-5 certainly will do the trick.  A win in week 10 could get this team over the hump.  I can’t believe he’s seriously looking at a bye.  Also, laughing at me for playing against Doug Martin was not appreciated.

6. Stanky Monkeys (4-5) – Last week: 5 – A 3 game losing streak is really hurting the Monkeys chances of getting to the playoffs.  In fact, if the playoffs started today, this team would be out of it.  This team has never been better than 3^rd high score of the week, so really cannot complain with the results.  That being said, this week’s game against Fusco is massive.  With a win, will be a full game ahead of him and have the tiebreaker with only 3 to play.  Faces EEB twice in the last 3 weeks.  This team controls its destiny.

7. Lady Luck (5-4) – Last week: 7 – As I’ve used before, what can I say about this roster that hasn’t already been said about Afghanistan?  It looks bombed out and depleted.  By FAR, the lowest scoring team in the league, and I really can’t see things getting much better.  This roster has a couple good players, but is so thin.  This team has a very difficult remaining schedule and is in serious danger of falling quickly.

8. Coach Janky Spanky (3-6) – Last week: 8 – Seemed alarmed that the power rankings thought this was the worst team.  In reality, this is the worst team.  Denial has doomed this team in the past, and surely it will again.  Although EEB is finally coming around, I fear it is too late.  With a loss this week, it appears that Mr. Brooking is headed into the relegation battle.  You need to beat Woody this week to save your season.  You are 1-7 against him lifetime.  Good luck.

EFFL League 2

1. Claiborne Supremacy (5-4) – Last week: 3 – A nice jump for this team to get to the top spot.  I must admit that I’m impressed with how this team has done.  Tatz Is rolling out the #1 QB, the #1 defense, the #2 kicker, the #2 WR, the #3 TE and the #5 RB on a weekly basis.  That’s a recipe for success.  This team is done with byes after this week and is 2 games up on the last playoff spot.  Great position to be in.

2. Threeing the Hogs (6-3) – Last week: 2 – Really didn’t do anything wrong in week 9, and got a very narrow victory on Monday night to take over the #1 overall seed.  At this point, I think this team has fallen just below the Tatz squad, but at 6-3, must be feeling good.  Getting a bye in the first round of the playoffs will go a very long way towards promotion.

3. The Heads of State (5-4) – Last week: 6 – I was a little bit disappointed last week and probably overreacted.  Young Meech is rolling out the same Foster/Peterson combo that I am, and that must be taken seriously.  Despite the Eagles performing absolutely pitiful, the depth of this team is really coming to the rescue.  I preach depth like this frequently for this very reason.  Having capable backups is critical.  Big game with Yashar this week could vault this team into first round bye position.  Should definitely be in the playoffs.

4. Team Toliver (6-3) – Last week: 1 – Wow what a disappointing week 9 performance.  NEVER BENCH TRON.  That’s a critical mistake regardless of game result.  The Sproles injury will seriously affect this team’s stretch run.  Should still be OK for the playoffs, but this team could really struggle with injuries in the next couple weeks.  For the time being I’m skeptical, but things will get better with good health.  The early season run is carrying this team.

5. RGIII for President (4-5) – Last week: 5 – Took a tough loss to Mike Y and now is going to be in a battle the rest of the way.  I actually really like this team’s chances, and the rest of the schedule isn’t too bad.  Randall Cobb has proven to be a huge acquisition.  Things will come together for this team, but hopefully it is not too late when it happens.  Don’t let the teams below you back into it.

6. BABY TEES (3-6) – Last week: 8 – The win over Yashar truly was a season saver.  Now facing Darryl, Dosh has a chance to get back into the playoff hunt, but a loss in week 10 would be absolutely devastating.  When you dig such a big hole, there is virtually no margin for error.  Seeing as your last two games are against the top two teams, this is a must win.  I know if I were in that situation, I’d want to be using Denarius Moore and Chris Johnson.

7. Jersey Leshoure (3-6) – Last week: 4 – While your team appears to have good players from the outside looking in, this team takes the cake for poor management.  Doug Martin and Mikel Leshoure combined for 7 rushing TDs in week 9, and all of them were left on the bench.  Despite having some solid depth at the RB position, this team has failed to make any notable moves whatsoever to solidify other positions.  I can’t endorse that.  Tatz is going to bend you over this week.

8. Bo$$town Beasts (4-5) – Last week: 7 – This team has hit rock bottom.  It is no coincidence that you and EEB are both floundering due to your reliance on Chiefs.  I’d do your research this week, as taking a 5^th straight loss to Mike Y seems very possible.  The good news for Cutter is that he faces the two teams below him in the standings in the final 4 weeks.  My math tells me that if you win those two games, you should be in the playoffs.

There were some great games in week 9 that came down to the very end of the Monday night game.  Steelers v Chiefs this Monday night is definitely going to have a big impact on the league as we have so many people relying on these scrubs.  I am glad I was able to return to blogging this week.  Keep in mind that the trading deadline is Wednesday, November 21^st.  This is the day before Thanksgiving.  EEB… this is a blackout date for you.  NO DRINKING!!!!  Good luck to everyone in Week 10.  The playoffs are approaching.

Power Outages

I’m going to make this a pretty short blog as I have been without power since Monday night.  Apparently Con Edison’s transformers are working even poorer than Megatron.  The Eagles suck, the Giants are the luckiest team in the league, and somehow the Colts and Dolphins would both be in the playoffs if the season ended today.  Week 8 was a VERY low scoring week, as only 2 teams across the league put up more than 126 points.

Beef of the Week: My beef this week has to do with the NFL Network.  This is actually a double beef this week, so it will win the Five Guys outstanding performer award.  First of all, I appreciate the NFL Network showing throughout the day their “top fantasy performers”.  However, nobody uses their standard scoring system.  Nobody!  You can never find your players at the bottom because of this ignorance.  I don’t like it.

My second beef this week has to do with their use of Mike Mayock.  I get multiple complaints about this guy like I put him in the booth.  Nobody cares Mike that you know offensive lineman Matt Kalil’s approximate combine 40 time.  Your thick Philadelphia accent does not help matters… especially when you pronounce the word “league” as “lig”.  It’s a league Mike, a league.  NFL Network continuously pushes the worst games and makes you listen to the worst broadcast team possible.  It’s brutal to watch and even worse to listen to.

Chris Woody won the $10 week 8 prize as high score, which saddens me.  Here are the week 8 rankings:

EFFL League 1

1. Dueling Pylons (5-3) – Last week: 1 – Took a tough loss against TITTY but is still the favorite in League 1.  Would be the #1 seed if the playoffs started today.  Teams have unloaded on the Pylons to the tune of 144 PPG over the last 5 weeks, but still fighting.

2. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-5) – Last week: 5 – Really come on strong lately.  Finally out of the gutter and threatening to make the playoffs for the first time ever.

3. Tequila Party Gnomes (4-4) – Last week: 2 – TPG has fallen on hard times the past couple weeks but should be finally turning the corner.  Look for this team to solidify themselves as a playoff squad soon.  You were also dropped for suffering your 10^th loss to Gambino.  A stain on this storied franchise’s name.

4. The King’s Crusaders (3-5) – Last week: 6 – You knew it would be hard to keep this team down.  Still not much depth, but looking stronger with the emergence of Doug Martin.  Don’t count them out.

5. Stanky Monkeys (4-4) - Last week: 7 – Hanging in there.  Jason Witten isn’t going to give you 18 catches again, but this team has a shot to climb higher.  This is one team I think could be in danger down the stretch.

6. Eat My Asomugha (5-3) - Last week: 3 – This is a team of players nobody else wants.  I’d be willing to wager you haven’t received a single trade offer all season.  Remaining schedule doesn’t look too daunting.

7. Lady Luck (5-3) – Last week: 4 – True to form, Lady Luck is by far dead last in scoring yet is tied for first in the standings.  Happens every year.  If you had the Pylons schedule, you’d be 1-7.  With the toughest remaining schedule, this team could be in danger.

8. Coach Janky Spanky (3-5) – Last week: 8 – Holding on for dear life in the standings.  This team has had the low score 2 of the past 3 weeks.  I really wouldn’t expect things to get better any time soon.  EEB has been officially put on relegation alert.

EFFL League 2

1. Team Toliver (6-2) – Last week: 1 – Finally had the 6 game winning streak snapped by your Kryptonite Mike Y.  Still the highest scoring team with the best record, so you’ll stay here for now.

2. Threeing the Hogs (5-3) – Last week: 2 – The only guy that can get to the top team.  This team is looking pretty solid right now and should definitely be in the playoffs.

3. Claiborne Supremacy (4-4) – Last week:5 – Other than Mike Y, this is the only team that has been over 120 in 4 of the past 5 weeks.  This team should be good enough to ensure a playoff berth.

4. Jersey Leshoure (3-5) – Last week: 6 – Found out the hard way that you should never listen to the commissioner’s advice.  I’d expect to see better days ahead from this squad.

5. RGIII for President (4-4) – Last week: 4 – With election season rapidly approaching, a little more consistency is warranted.  This team should get there, but there is not much margin for error.

6. The Heads of State (4-4) – Last week: 3 – This team really should be higher at this point, but has really struggled.  If this team fails to make the playoffs I’d be shocked, but things must improve quickly.

7. Bo$$town Beasts (4-4) – Last week: 7 – Cutter is fading quickly.  Now a loser of 3 straight, this team may not have enough to hang on.  Critical game this week against Tatz.

8. BABY TEES (2-6) – Last week: 8 – Still 2 games out of a playoff spot with 5 to go, there is work to be done.  Definitely one of the toughest schedules remaining as well.  Things may get better but the odds are stacked against you.

Good luck to everyone in Week 9 as the playoffs approach.  Hope you all stayed safe during the storm and get power back soon if you lost it like myself.  Sorry for the shortened blog, but it will have to do for this week.

On My Stevie Johnson

I'm all about my Bills.  I'm on my Stevie Johnson.  It's time to take a look at fantasy football rule #1, which states: "No past or present Bills".  I have to give a special shout out to Yashar Toliver.  Recognizing the Bills were playing the 32nd ranked Titans defense, Shar added Ryan Fitzpatrick and Scott Chandler.  He started these two, as well as Stevie.  The highest scoring Bills player was on his bench, Fred Jackson.  He could have used 4 Bills, but using 3 was impressive enough.  I have 2 employed on my roster, and I think it is time to revisit this proposition.  Yashar is 6-1 and alone in first place.  The Pylons are clearly not fazed by the use of Bills as they also sit alone atop the League 1 standings.  In case you are not familiar with Ya Boy, check this out:

I'll be honest.  I can't stop playing this video.  I'm about to order a Stevie jersey and a Bills flat brim.  This is what happens when you pass the halfway point of the fantasy season.  I get over-excited about a fantasy player, drop a bunch of money on a player's jersey, and end up without a championship to my name.  Last year was Tebow.  What a mistake.  From weeks 8-13 I did nothing but Tebow wherever I went, and it just ended in disaster, as has every football season of my entire life.

Just a brief fantasy interruption to mention again my Halloween party this Saturday.  I know some of you are already coming, but the more, the merrier.  There will be some fantastic costumes as well as a dominant playlist.  I've already bought a bunch of food, so please help me eat it so I don't return to my UD bodily form.

Beef of the Week: Although I did not have much beef this week due to wine consumption rather than beer, I am taking umbrage with the NFL schedule maker.  The NFL has chosen 2012 to shove nationally televised games down your throat, and they did a pretty awful job.  This week, we were forced to suffer through "divisional rivalries" such as Seahawks-49ers, Bengals-Steelers, and Lions-Bears.  The fact of the matter is that these non-NFC East divisional games suck balls.  Nobody wants to sit around and watch a low scoring, grind it out game.  Why did the NFL feel that the masses would love nothing more than to sit through 3 of these games?

Fantasy games always come down to these Sunday and Monday night games, and the least they could do is fucking entertain me.  The most exciting moment was thinking Jay Cutler had suffered a serious injury.  I can only imagine how much Mike Tirico must hate his job.  He sees shitty games every single week and has to listen to Gruden fellate every single quarterback in hopes that he can use the film as evidence to coerce a GM to hire him as head coach.  What does "He has a PhD in Bears defense" mean?  I'm pretty sure you don't have the credentials to award someone an honorary doctorate, Jon.

On to the power rankings:

EFFL League 1

1. Dueling Pylons (5-2) - Last week: 2 - I said that this team had closed the gap on the Gnomes last week, and this week the Pylons have jumped right over the gap.  After checking the record books, the Pylons are the first team to put up 150+ in back to back weeks since the historic 08 Crusaders team that went 11-2.  While this team will face some bye week issues in the next few weeks, this team is built for the long haul.  Has taken over as the league favorite.

2. Tequila Party Gnomes (4-3) - Last week: 1 - Despite falling in the rankings, this team is definitely ahead of the rest in the league.  Byes clearly hurt this team, but being in a strong position and past almost all of the bye weeks is going to be a big advantage for this team.  At full strength, this team is right there with the Pylons for the top spot in the league.  I'd also advise looking into what color jerseys the Lions are wearing.  I'd wager your wins correspond with them wearing blue.  Don't be afraid to send some mail to the team.

3. Eat My Asomugha (4-3) - Last week: 7d - I didn't want to move Gambino up, but the rest of the league is forcing my hand.  Despite my harsh words for Nick in the past, I actually think this team has a pretty decent stable of receivers.  If Vincent Jackson keeps it up, a healthy Nicks and a paid DeSean Jackson could form a nice combo.  It is still dangerous to entrust your squad to Mike Vick, but if there's anyone who can come up with a good pun for an ex-con leading you to money, I'm sure it's you.

4. Lady Luck (4-3) - Last week: 7b - Got an important win in week 8.  As I've said in the past, this team has absolutely no depth, but I like what the starters bring to the table.  Now Lance Moore looks like he might actually have an impact.  This team always seems to appear weak, but has put up a fight.  Sam has actually had a pretty strong run of solid play, and I expect it to continue.  Looking good.

5. Tweeting in the Trenches (2-5) - Last week: 3 - This team seems to have so much potential, but is this really a formidable squad?  I say this knowing full well you'll probably drop 200 on me next week.  What is going on with this squad?  McFadden is a massive bust.  The QB and TE positions don't offer any value.  It just looks like this team should be better.  Didn't have enough to knock off the King in week 8 and now is back in dead last in the standings.  Maybe in addition to your wife making your Halloween costumes, you should also let her set your lineup.

6. The King's Crusaders (2-5) - Last week: 8 - Who's left?  Squeaked out a 1 point victory on Monday night over TITTY to save the season.  Going 2 games behind everyone else in the league and having no tiebreakers would have probably marked the end.  Don't ever doubt that the fantasy gods are on your side.  We'll see what happens with this squad, but this team certainly will not go down without a fight.  Dosh also uses multiple Vikings and he's in last place.  Perhaps that's not a coincidence.

7. Stanky Monkeys (4-3) - Last week: 7c - I actually had to do a double take because I could not believe this team was still 4-3 despite a loss.  This team is basically down to Victor Cruz and Aaron Rodgers.  Two complete assholes.  The MJD loss hurts.  If this team ends up being a serious contender, I'll be absolutely shocked.  I'm not sure what I was looking at last week, but unless you cut half your team this week, I'd be panicking.

8. Coach Janky Spanky (3-4) - Last week: 7a - I'm trying to figure out a way to rank you lower, but in the interest of time, I will postpone this decision until later.  The only thing more embarrassing than your team is the fact that Matt lost to it.  You can use the bye week as an excuse all you want, but your team is awful.  What were you drinking in AC?

EFFL League 2

1. Team Toliver (6-1) - Last week: 1 - Yashar is just steamrolling the entire league.  Now has ripped off a 6 game winning streak and is showing no signs of slowing down.  Use those Bills, son!!!!  I'm still listening to that Stevie.  2 more wins would lock up a playoff spot at this point.  Nobody else is within 2 games, and a bye looks pretty good at this point.  Congrats for being the only 6-1 team in both leagues.

2. Threeing the Hogs (4-3) - Last week: 4 - OK Mike Y.  Putting up 147 with your best players on a bye is pretty impressive.  I still don't trust the RBs, but I think this team is strong enough to make up for it.  A team that looked good on paper is finally making waves in the standings.  I think this team will definitely be in contention for a bye when all is said and done.  Should also be in contention for promotion.

3. The Heads of State (4-3) - Last week: 2 - This is probably the last week I'll give your team the benefit of the doubt due to bye weeks.  Everybody has to deal with them, but if you can't replace your bye week players with respectable players, your team is gonna suffer in the long run.  Facing a serious uphill climb to fight for a bye, and at 3-4 a playoff spot could become a concern.  I do think better days lie ahead.

4. RGIII for President (3-4) - Last week: 7 - Darryl with a huge response after a 4 game losing streak.  Dropped 174 on poor Tatz to win his 2nd $10 prize of the season.  This team is weak at RB, but I think a pretty strong lineup can be put together here.  The double TE set, Cruz, VJax and Demaryius sounds pretty good to me.  Another team that is pretty thin, but can really do some damage with the starting lineup.  Clearly a threat to go off at any point.

5. Claiborne Supremacy (3-4) - Last week: 3 - First Tatz literally took it to the face in the color run.  Then, he let Darryl unload on him shortly after.  No defense here whatsoever.  Aaron Rodgers and AJ Green gets you to this spot alone, but the other pieces are falling apart.  Richardson hurt, Murray hurt, Jennings hurt.  Things will get better, but you cannot afford to fall too far behind in the meantime.  Things are too close.

6. Jersey Leshoure (3-4) - Last week: 6 - Lucky to remain in the #6 spot.  Had a pretty nice week, but I wonder whether this team has peaked.  Now must face the bye week blues as well as accepting the fact that you're relying on Raiders, Panthers, and Colts.  I certainly at this point must question which needs more work... your golf game or your fantasy football skills?

7. Bo$$town Beasts (4-3) - Last week: 5 - Cutty is in free fall.  Also worth nothing that teams 2-7 are all within one game of each other.  Week 7 was a prime example of why it is important to have competent backups.  This team is already in trouble, but having to rely on a couple of Chiefs can't be comforting.  I know you want to be like the real Patriots, but assuming Brady alone can carry your entire squad is not a smart move.

8. BABY TEES (1-6) - Last week: 8 - We may be nearing the beginning of the end for Dosh's 2012 season.  At 1-6, is now 2 full games out of 7th place.  The good news is that at 1-6, you're still only 2 games out of 4th place since things are so tight.  The MJD injury is going to hurt a lot.  I think there's a chance you could turn it around, but you are starting far too many Vikings.  Also, being Dustin Keller for a 5th straight year for Halloween is going to hurt your chances of success.

It's been an exciting week 7 and some teams are starting to assert themselves atop each league.  It could be only a matter of weeks before teams start locking up a playoff berth.  Please don't make me watch any more Gruden.  He's unbearable.  Looking forward to seeing a bunch of you this weekend.