Tuesday, November 1, 2016

NFL In the Shitter


Each week, it keeps getting worse. There were three NFL firsts on Sunday. Yes, three things that happened for the first time in the history of the league. All 3 of these things were very, very bad.

1. The NFL forced viewers to watch Overtime of Redskins-Bengals from London that ended in a tie. Here we are, in 2016. It's 1:30 PM, and we can't watch a 1:00 game because the league has decided they want to jam 4 fucking time slots of arguably now 4 hour games into one day. I wanted to watch Seahawks-Saints, but there was no escape. Red Zone refused to show anything other than OT of the same fucking game, like there are people in the world who have Red Zone, but do not have FOX.

2. The Raiders were the first team ever to be called for 23 penalties in a game. 23 penalties for 200 yards. Those were ACCEPTED penalties. And that game went to OT too!! Again, Red Zone did a terrible job, because they refused to show any game other than this pathetic piece of shit from about 3-4:30. I was all hype after watching Straight Outta Compton Saturday night, but by 4:15, I had to just shut the TV off.

3. Hours later, Carson Wentz delivered a historically bad statistical performance. He was the first QB in the history of the NFL to throw more than 40 passes, complete over 70% of them, and average fewer than 5 yards per attempt. It was disgusting to watch Doug Pederson call a game where he was so afraid of the defense, that he actually was calling for Wentz to throw the ball backwards on critical 3rd down plays. What a fucking joke.

Might as well just get right into the beef of the week, because it's pretty obvious at this point.

Beef of the Week: There's too much football

6 teams were on a bye in week 8. That means that there were 13 games to be played. Those 13 games were spread out, for some absurd reason, over 6 time slots. Thursday night, 4 different time slots on Sunday, and a Monday night game is flat out too much.

Given the way these games have gone, with the time and the flags, you're looking at 3.5 hours per game. Nobody wants to spend 14 hours of their day watching football. Not even me! And that's saying something.

The Thursday night games need to go. Everybody including the players despise those games. The London games NEED to go. The ratings have to be pitiful. I really can't imagine anybody that made it a point to get up at 9:30 to watch Bengals-Redskins unless they were fans of those two teams.

Except for Thanksgiving and Christmas, there should be 4 time slots only.1:00, 4;00, Sunday night, and Monday night. That's it. And I know I'm not alone in feeling this way when you see what's happened with the ratings.

Goodell is a terrible commissioner. If people told me the EFFL sucked and they'd rather spend their time elsewhere, I wouldn't blame Donald Trump or the election. Drop the ego. Evaluate. Fix it. We're fucked for this year, but if the league decides not to make any changes before next year, things are going to turn south very quickly.


At this point, there's almost only one acceptable way to watch the NFL: On 7 screens at once at the local brew pub getting absolutely shit-canned. That's a good time.

I'd also like to point out to all of you what I've said over and over. Ian Rapoport, aka @RapSheet, is probably the worst reporter in the business. He CONSTANTLY reports things from "sources" that are flat untrue. He's basically the Chris Broussard of football reporting without the open hate of gay people and Jews. Here's what you take from RapSheet: When he reports a story, immediately dismiss it as false. Then, look up real reporters close to the players who he is reporting about for a more accurate story. Look at this!


Get out of here, clown.

False.

False.

This is a guy employed by the NFL who is absolutely terrible at his job.

It wasn't all bad on Sunday. There were a number of highlight of humor. You knew with the Bills hosting the Patriots, #BillsMafia was gonna be rowdy as hell. Thank you, EFFL members (Fallon voice). I had never been sent pictures/videos of dildos by multiple men before.




And the aftermath:




Pregame:








#BillsMafia continues to bring the noise. Also, Wade Phillips was murdered by Melvin Gordon with a crushing blow. That's a 70 year old man! Damn, that's hateful!



But the biggest story of the day, in my opinion, was Packers rookie WR Geronimo Allison. Nobody had ever heard of this guy before this week, yet there he was catching a TD from Aaron Rodgers. Somebody decided to look through his old tweets and found an absolute gold mine.

Apparently, Geronimo Allison had not scrubbed his Twitter, and that was a big mistake.



His Twitter account is now deleted, but wow, what a time to be alive. It was discovered during the Packers game, and Twitter was blowing up, just knowing that when Geronimo got back to his locker all hype from his TD, shit was going to get ugly real quick.

His only response to whether it was him tweeting these things: "I can't say if it was me or not". Hilarious. Instead of questioning Twitter, he could've just asked Phil.


On to the power rankings, and teams at the top did not have a good week. Pylons and TITTY both stumbled, and things are certainly getting a bit more interesting for the playoff race. Next week will be the last power rankings. After week 10, we'll flip over to the playoff race, as that will be much more important.

Power Rankings

 14. Pork Chop Express (3-5) - Last week: 13. I feel like this is the best your team has to offer, and it was a struggle to get to 100 points. Lucked out with a stat change to give you a 3rd win, but I think you have a bit of an uphill battle to get in. I don't think you're clearly the worst team, but you're certainly in the mix.

13. The Old Ball Sack (3-5) - Last week: 14. Hope you enjoyed that Jordan Reed week before he gets concussed again. Similar to Ben, I think this is about as good as you can possibly hope for from your team. For one week, it was good enough, but I wouldn't expect things to continue. Pretty much none of your good players have had their bye yet.

12. Geno 911 (3-5) - Last week: 11. I know I'm pretty stunned. Beat Fusco with a total of 1 player on your bench scoring points. Heading into Monday night, your starters and bench didn't even combine for 100 points. Awfully well done. The league appreciates your efforts, but continued success may be difficult to find.

11. Team Bartholomew (2-6) - Last week: 10. Going up against the Raiders in a never-ending game is not ideal for fantasy. You may need to win out to get in, but the good news is you do not have a game left against a team with a record better than 3-5. I think you're still in it.

10. The King's Crusaders (3-5) - Last week: 12. Classic. I score more than you each of the first 7 weeks, yet when we play week 8, you get the win. It was expected. Again, I almost feel like this is the best your team has to offer. We'll see how Jordy does when he's not competing with Geronimo Allison for targets.

9. ROLL THE DICE (4-4) - Last week: 8. Things have come completely unhinged for Dosh. It looked like he was going to be a real playa at the beginning of the season, but it's just not the case. Russell Wilson's injury is killing you because you keep using him. Usually when guys get hurt, people look for alternatives!

8. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-6) - Last week: 6. Finish with Tatz, EEB, Fusco, Gambino, Mike Y, so I certainly see the potential for some wins in there. But the window may be closing soon. Can't afford too many more defeats. As usual, nobody was ravaged by high picks getting injured more than you.

7. A Lot O'Tatz (3-4-1) - Last week: 9. Had a better showing this week, but it still wasn't enough. I don't know how much more you can do, and there are a lot of teams breathing down your neck. Perhaps uncovering a waiver wire gem would do it, but right now, you're stuck in a bit of a rut.

6. Bo$$town Cutter (4-4) - Last week: 7. Pretty much climbing on a weekly basis. This was expected given how the team was set up, but you've been improving steadily. Seems like every time you use Chris Hogan, he goes off. Sorry he got that dildo tossed at him.

5. Stanky Monkeys (6-2) - Last week: 5. I think there's a good amount of distance between your team and the teams below you. Clearly in the top tier. AJ Green is a monster. Will be interesting to see what your team looks like in a couple weeks when Big Ben comes back. Still could use an RB.

4. Tweeting in the Trenches (5-2-1) - Last week: 3. You're lucky I don't rank you last. Losing to Gambino is unacceptable. Started the wrong Chargers TE yet again. I do like that you traded for Hopkins, as his season is a total loss. It's helpful for your opponents to keep starting a guy with no chance of 20 points.

3. Harambe Was Set Up (6-2) - Last week: 4. Shellacked the pants off of Tatz. That wasn't nice. Gronk is balling out. Davante Adams looks like a nice pickup for now. He's terrible at football, but since nobody else on the Packers can get open and they have no RBs, he gets thrown the ball a lot. Keep riding Staffy, Devonta, Gronk and your Raiders and you'll be OK.

2. Dueling Pylons (6-2) - Last week: 1. Pylons drop from the top spot following a 96 point effort. But it's hard to see this team doing much worse. Antonio on a bye. Receivers going up against Seattle and Denver. Seahawks D going up against the Saints. No reason to move this team down further.

1. Team BG (5-3) - Last week: 2. Finally back in the win column and back atop the power rankings. EEB was probably all fired up when you didn't fix your lineup til Sunday morning. Even in a down week for Julio, the rest of the team came through. Sproles looked real nice too. He might get some more play. I like where this team is at.


We have some critical matchups in Week 9 that could put some teams just about in, or just about out.

Week 9 Matchups
Pylons v. Cutty
Tatz v. TPG
BG v. Stanky Monkeys
Fusco v. Mike Y
Ben v. Gambino
Woody v. Phil
Dosh v. EEB

7 wins may be enough to get into the playoffs, but 8 definitely will be. With only 5 weeks left in the regular season, things are about to get a bit more interesting.
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