Tuesday, October 27, 2015

The 2015 Turning Point

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Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Ridin' through my old hood, but I'm in my new whip!

What in the fuck was that fake punt run by the Colts?!?!? It was arguably the most embarrassing play to be run in the history of the NFL. Check this out.




It's unbelievable that this actually happened in a game. Against the Patriots. As if Belichick needed help. And let's gooooo. Bills are back, baby!!!



A video posted by Tim Szczesny (@tinytim39) on


So I ask yet again... Anyone wanna go to a Bills game? I need to be part of the #BillsMafia. There's also a picture floating around of a dude in Zubaz peeing with his pants down. Pretty awesome. Didn't wanna put that on the blog in case anyone is reading at work.

I'm in such a good mood right now. It appears I'm going to take down TITTY barring an unbelievable collapse. And the Eagles still have the hope for victory. Time to TURN UP.

Let's get some quick beef in.


Beef of the Week: Aaron Rodgers

I've honestly had enough of this guy. Guy hurries up to the line with 25 seconds left just to yell "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT". "HUT".

SNAP THE FUCKING BALL!!!!! It's absolutely unwatchable. And the guy gets praised for being smarter than everybody else. He's an emotionless robot. I've never seen him smile. I think he's incapable of smiling. Aaron Rodgers may be good at QB Rating and Yards per Attempt, but he's the furthest thing from enjoyable to watch. Put him in the shit QB category for me with Bortles, McCown, and whoever Dallas decides to use.


And I've had enough of the hating on Cro. Guy's got 11 kids or whatever. Yet there they are praising good ol' country boy Philip Rivers. "He and his wife are expecting their 8th child". STOP IT PHIL! You're not the Duggars. Please stop. Can't wait til we have to hear from him how much better a person he is than everyone else.

What's the deal with this Star Wars stuff? Usually Comic-Con or whatever attracts a unique blend of people. Who at Disney thought "Man, I bet a football game is the perfect time for a sci-fi movie preview". Two total different groups of people. Except for Tatz. He's clearly the target audience here.

But how good a game was that Carolina-Seattle game? It's awesome when two good teams play. That might have been the best game I've seen all season. And then to follow that up with Colts-Pats. Bout time we got hooked up. The 1 PM games were brutal, but still. Fun week. Let's get to the power rankings right quick.

And ESPN and NFL Network are spewing all kinds of garbage about this Nolan Carroll pick 6. "This is the first pick 6 in Philadelphia in 19 years". No it's not. I don't have every Pick 6 stored in my memory, but come on. There's visual evidence on Facebook.


Pictured:

- Facebook Ads
- My entire closet emptied following TO's return to Philly in 2006.
- A Reggie Bush jersey
- A racquetball racquet
- Abercrombie bag
- The commissioner buried under this mound somewhere.

Not Pictured:

- TPG puking in a keg bucket.

Woke up the next morning with a fucking coating on the water in the keg bucket. Nastiest shit I've ever seen. You still believe ESPN and NFL Network? Fine. Here's a box score: http://espn.go.com/nfl/game?gameId=261008021

Lito Sheppard 102 yard TD. But you keep telling people that it's been 19 years, NFL Network. I remember that TO game. TPG doesn't. I think that's the most fucked up I've EVER been for a football game. And that's saying something.

Power Rankings

 I don't think anyone has anything to worry about at this point. The playoffs cut line is only 3-3 right now. That means everyone except EEB and Cutter is within 1 game of the playoffs. That's fun.

 14. ROLL THE DICE (2-4 - Last week 14): Another week and another disappointing outing. I fear Dosh may not recover from this disastrous spot. Finally admitted to me that Peyton Manning is cooked, as I've been explaining since Week 1. But picked up some other QBs that others cut bait on. It might help. How could you trade Mike Evans for that packeege?

13. The King's Crusaders (2-4 - Last week 12): Real rough week. HUT! HUT! HUT! Probably sat there screaming at the TV "GIVE ME SOME FUCKING FANTASY POINTS!!! HIKE IT" TEs look good, but a lot of Chiefs. A lot. I don't think this team has enough firepower at this point. Gonna be tough to get out of this hole.

12. Bo$$town Cutter (1-5 - Last week 13): Moved up a bit, but Phil is crushing everyone. Had probably the game of the season, and it sucks to have to lose that. But you've gotta be encouraged. Martavis and Shady are back. Dez should be back kinda soon. It just may be too late. I guarantee nobody is going to want to play your team at full strength.

11. Dueling Pylons (2-4 - Last week 11): Very well may be behind Cutter, but likewise, this team looks to be improving in the second half. Injuries EVERYWHERE have decimated this squad. Gurley and Christine Michael may be the top 2 running backs in the second half of the season. I'll let you laugh. Going to get destroyed by Cecil.

10. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-4 - Last week 8): Lots of teams have gone in the shitter, but all that means is that the playoffs are very close. Beast mode is back, but was truly no match for Nuk Hopkins and BG's squad. I think this team is right on the outside looking in at the moment, but some wise roster moves could get em back into the discussion.

9. Tweeting in the Trenches (2-3-1 - Last week 4): I'm serious. Look how many teams are right around each others' records. EVERYONE is still in the playoff hunt. My concerns all season are finally creeping through. Got a couple big players, but the complementary pieces don't seem to be delivering. You might have to (gasp) trade Bell or Odell. You can't trade a kicker for good players. I also think it's hilarious that Chris Michael Fusco cut Chris Michael.

8. Team Bartholomew (3-3 - Last week 5): Got a huge win against Dosh, but I'm still concerned. Antonio Brown is doing awful without Big Ben. I'm sure you'll have some big weeks and be right around the playoffs, but I don't think it's as certain as it was.

7. Geno 911 (3-3 - Last week 10): Trust me, I don't think you're in the top 7. I just forgot about your team until now. It's that forgettable. Now looking at it, you might be in the bottom 3. Too late to turn back. Whole team screams AVERAGE. And as much as EEB made fun of you, Golden Tate over Brandin Cooks still doesn't look that bad.

6. A Lot O'Tatz (1-4-1 - Last week 9): I still think you have a solid team, but at some point you have to do something. The good news is that you're only a game and a half out of the playoffs. You're right there. Grudge match with Tatz next week and a HUGE opportunity to get right back into it.

5. The Old Nut Sack (4-2 - Last week 6): I don't know how you've managed a 4-2 record, but you've done it. I guess your team isn't all that bad after all. John Brown, Greg Olsen, and BMarsh all brought it. They may continue to bring it. I'm starting to come around. Looking good.

4. Pork Chop Express (4-2 - Last week 7): Stole Mike Evans from Dosh. The fantasy gods were clearly angered by this treason as your top two receivers were struck down with injury. Huge week. I think it's your ceiling, but it's encouraging. Can't believe you gave up football this week for a fondue party.

3. Stanky Monkeys (5-1 - Last week 3): Nothing against your squad. It's on fire. I looked and thought damn 147 points. He's moving up! Then I saw the 2 teams higher than you scored even more. Randall Cobb isn't even producing and it doesn't matter. You should've seen what you did to EEB with that Ben Watson play. Poor guy was questioning his purpose in life.

2. Team BG (4-2 - Last week 2): Team just unloaded on poor TPG. Everything clicked this week, and it could have been worse. Demaryius dropped a bunch of passes. Team looks a little bit precarious heading into the bye weeks, but I see no reason why this team wouldn't be a contender. Unlike EEB, it's amazing what smart lineup decisions do.

1. Cecil Had It Coming (6-0 - Last week 1): Some people may put 0 stock in the power rankings, but I've had your team #1 all season since week 1. It's amazing that I can properly analyze team strengths, yet can't draft the players that make these teams strong. Can you imagine if your first loss is to the lowly Pylons? I only can dream. This team might lock up a playoff spot by week 8 or 9. That's not out of reach.


Crazy that the regular season has just about hit the halfway point. EVERYONE is still in contention. And that's not an exaggeration. All but 2 teams are within 1 game of the playoffs.
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Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Let the BIG DOG EAT!!!

I could've sworn I used that post title before, but oh well. LET THE BIG DOG EAT!!!



I got screwed again this week! Nothing like losing on a Gary Barnidge taint TD.

That's actually what happened. EEB should change his team name RIGHT NOW to A Lot O'Taint.



 Mother FUCKER. That's a rough way to go down to anybody, but especially EEB. Also Brandin Cooks caught a TD with :00 on the clock to just twist the knife a little further. EEB got away with one.

Although there are some good jerseys this week, I saw someone wearing a shirt that said "Tom Brady sit on my face". I know what you're thinking, but it was not Cutter.

The NFL was actually kinda good this week. Some late drama. Some winning bets. By the way, the Packers were in my parlay, so obviously Rodgers throws his first home picks since 2012. If you want your opponent to fuck up, send me some cash and I'll bet on their team. Bound to get bit.

Jamaal Charles also blew out his ACL. It was bound to happen. Here's a conversation I had with Gambino during the week.


Two weeks LOL. More like four days. It's amazing. The only good player on his team goes down. I'm no prognosticator, but I don't think that #10 ranking is going to hold up.

The Eagles showed some life. The Cowboys are gonna go a full month without winning a game. And how bad are the Lions. They might go winless for the entire season. They pulled Stafford for Orlovsky. Amazing.

Antonio Gates was "upset" with his suspension. Maybe you shouldn't have taken banned recovery substances then, Antonio. The rule is "don't put this in your body or you're suspended". He did the opposite. And was upset at the consequences. Can't imagine what he thought would happen. "I DIDN'T KNOW I SWEAR".


Beef of the Week: NFL Decision Makers

I actually had some difficulty finding beef this week. I was a relatively happy person on Sunday. Didn't wanna yell at anyone other than Sam Bradford for most of the first half.

That all changed Monday night. From the sideline reporter "As you know, DeAngelo Williams' mother died last year of breast cancer. He asked the NFL if he could wear pink all season to honor her. While he couldn't do that..."

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? The NFL actually turned this guy down from wearing pink all season?!?!? It's gotta be a money thing. Has to be. It might cause some controversy or dissent in the ranks. Well if one guy wears pink, the next you know everyone is going to want to wear a different color.

What fucking assholes. That's a slap in the face. Incredibly disrespectful to a veteran of the league. But what else would you expect. I hope someone gets on the horn and absolutely RIPS the league. They deserve it.


Here's the poll to get together again: http://doodle.com/poll/5yuf658533isrqm6

Do what you wish


Power Rankings

14. ROLL THE DICE (2-3 - Last week 13): No lie. When I was typing "ROLL THE DICE", I guess out of habit I typed "ROLL THE DICK". That's basically what this team is playing like right now.. Rolled Dick. Dosh's logo is now a beer helmet, and I think any public appearances the rest of the season must feature this apparatus. Now has weeks of 68, 70, 83, and 90. Admitted Peyton Manning is terrible. Let's see where this goes. ROLL THAT DICK.

13. Bo$$town Cutter (1-4 - Last week 14): I just want to explain the concept of the 1 PM rule.

Here's a scenario: Monday evening Le'Veon Bell blows out his knee walking into the locker room. DeAngelo Williams is available as a free agent. Anyone who has a player on a bye, or a player playing in the Monday night game can add DeAngelo and drop a player. Anyone who has already had all of their players play that week does not have that ability, as all players on the roster are locked. The 1 PM rule was put in place to level the playing field.

If the league as a whole wants to remove the rule and make it a free for all, I don't care. We can vote on it.

12. The King's Crusaders (2-3 - Last week 11): Still very much concerned about this roster. Andy Reid came back to Earth and stared motionless into space as Jay Cutler dilly-dallied his way to a victory. After that ACL got blown, everything went to shit. It's not good that KC has no other running backs. Defenses are going to put heat on Alex Smith as he dumps off for -2 yards over and over again. In the middle of the pack record wise. Not too late.

11. Dueling Pylons (1-4 - Last week 12): Fucking taint TD. Damnit. And got bit by Staffy. 6 Lions turnovers were a damn killer. This team is certainly looking up, however. Gurley is a monster. Allen Hurns is EEBin it real. Not the best team, but there's enough meat here to have some hope. Plays the bottom 3 in weeks 8-10, so could turn it around.

10. Geno 911 (3-2 - Last week 10): Take Jamaal Charles out of that lineup and things look pretty ugly. Doug Martin won't play the Jaguars every week, and Jay Cutler won't get the worst defense in the league and explode for 17 points every week either. I think this team is going to come crashing down. I look forward to future text messages predicting more injuries.

9. A Lot O'Taint (1-3-1 - Last week 9): I know you needed a win. But damn you didn't have to do me like that. I still think the roster is pretty decent, but that's just on paper. Guys have to deliver. Cooks had the most garbage of garbage time points. Brees looks real bad. Fuck Barnidge.

8. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-3 - Last week 7): Huge win v King. It looked a little hairy at points on Monday night. Probably didn't even realize that fantasy football was going on. Parlay > Eagles > EFFL. Somehow the Eagles aren't last. Looking forward to "spicing it up" on Sunday. If anyone wants in on this, we could have something here.

SPICING IT UP
A new twist. 3 Yes/No prop bets during a game. Should the guesser answer all 3 correct, the question distributor must eat the spiciest pepper available. I have habaneros in the apartment. Things may include:

- Will team X commit a defensive penalty in the 1st quarter?
- Will the first possession end in a punt?
- Will the broadcast have to go to commercial due to injury?


7. Pork Chop Express (3-2 - Last week 3): I can't get a read on this team. All of your RBs get benched for fumbling. Your #1 WR had his QB benched. And the rest of your roster (literally the entire roster) is Chargers and Eagles. It's just odd. I said it last week, and I don't think anything different. The only thing consistent about this team is inconsistency.

6. The Ol' Nut Sack (3-2 - Last week 8): Contacted me in a damn frenzy Sunday morning for Phil's phone number trying to get Jason Witten off him. I NEED A TE. HELP ME. EVERYONE WAS DROPPED AND I CAN'T ADD THEM. I think your team is a little above average. Adding some more players named CJ is the way to go. I swear, every time I see Spiller get the ball I think of Borat watching Baywatch "GO CJ!!!" "She had golden hair. Teeth as white as pearls. And the asshole of a 7 year old".

5. Team Bartholomew (2-3 - Last week 5): Nice pickup on Snead. Fusco missed the boat on that. Could've yelled SNEAD in his Mr. SMEE voice. Jeremy Hill is a terrible. And I recently learned he's a sexual predator. Great. At least Eifert is awesome. And that Broncos D is absolute fire. I can't believe how awesome they are. Little concerned about AB with Vick, but still a pretty solid squad across the board.

4. Tweeting in the Trenches (2-2-1 - Last week 6): No terrible trade offers this week. Step in the right direction. Can't wait to be playing against you and OBJ on Monday night... against the Eagles. Might as well just take fucking Tuesday off now. How awesome is it that TITTY picked up Boobie Dixon. Too funny. Some guy on the train "Who is Bobby Dixon? I thought Anthony Dixon was the RB."

3. Stanky Monkeys (4-1 - Last week 4): No real reason to move around here. Thanks for responding in the poll. Much appreciated. I don't think anyone else can do 11/1, but I appreciate it. Could really use Steve Sr. and DeSean back. Injuries have hit hard, but I definitely like your squad. Cobb/Forte combo is fire and Edelman is about as reliable as it gets. Definitely doesn't get the respect he deserves.

2. Team BG (3-2 - Last week 2): No shame in playing against the high score. It just sucks when it's Gambino and you know his team is playing way above its pay grade. Only injury is going to stop you from having the best receiver combo in the league. I shouldn't say that. Sever jinx.

1. Cecil Had It Coming (5-0 - Last week 1): Relying on multiple Raiders has to be one of the dumbest possible fantasy strategies. It's like trading away a bunch of players to maximize the number of Bills on your roster. Stupid. That Freeman/Dion Lewis/Foster RB combo is just killing everyone. When you can go 5-0 with some of your top picks injured, that's gotta be a great feeling. I'd never know.


ROLL THE DICK!!! Some big matchups next week at the extremes with the top teams playing the bottom teams. If the little guys can't pull an upset, it could be bad news.
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Monday, October 5, 2015

Wild Monday Night Finishes



Believe it or not, the EFFL stole the headlines this week. There were two WILD finishes, and a third that was equally as exciting.

TITTY was holding on for dear life against a hard charging Team Bartholomew. Only up 7, the Saints missed a FG that would have ended it. Tatz had Randle and Dan Bailey going still. But in one fell swoop, CJ Spiller gave it to Tatz by defeating his Cowboys and defeating his fantasy team with an 80 yard sprint to win the ballgame.

There were two simultaneous games going on: Lobitz v BG, and TPG v Dosh. Ben needed 17 from Tron to win. Matt needed 23 from Russell Wilson to win.

The Lions were down all game and clawing their way back. Ben had gotten to within 6 points and the Lions were in the red zone with under 2 minutes remaining. They needed a FG to tie or a TD to take the lead. A Tron TD would seal a victory for PCE. Staffy-Poo drops back and hits Tron over the middle. He's heading for the end zone!!!!! Just click play...


That was it for Lobitz. Undefeated no more. That fucking close. Welcome back Kam Chancellor.

Meanwhile, TPG was down 22 heading into Monday night with just Russell Wilson. Dosh was furiously texting me about how Russell was a "damn fool" and he "can't believe Marshawn would do this to him" and not play. Please note I typed the above at 6:30 PM, and it no doubt happened.

TPG had clawed back to within 7, but it looked like Seattle was just going to run the clock out. Detroit burned their final two timeouts, so with 3rd and 2 from their own 28, Seattle just needed a first down to ice it. In classic Seattle fashion, they refuse to run the ball. Wilson rolls right, does a classic jump pass and finds Jermaine Kearse in the middle of the field and HE. IS. LOOSE. There is NOBODY near Kearse. All he needs to do is fall down to win, but he's having NONE OF IT. He's trying to take this one to the house for TPG.

Detroit has no chance of winning if he's tackled. Their only chance is to let him score and win it for TPG. Kearse is at the 50, the 40, the 30, and he's finally chased down and pushed out of bounds at the 22 after a 50 yard gain. A TD would have given TPG a 1 point victory. Seattle takes a knee and ends it. Dosh escapes yet another Monday night at the death. I don't have a video as of the blog posting, but I'll try to add one. It was wild. Also Seattle was up by 3 and was a 9.5 point favorite.


On to the week in the NFL.

I won't burden you with the classic adages. We've been through it. After being declared BOWSE, Joe Philbin was fired a mere 7 days later. And Bills tailgates are not as fun when they're not playing the Patriots. You had Scott Hansen exclaiming "we had 51 touchdowns today!!" Let's do some math here. There were 2 teams off, 2 teams that played Thursday night, 2 Sunday night and 2 Monday night. That means 24 teams, or 12 games, were played in the afternoon. That means that 4.25 TDs were scored per game. That's nothing! That's a total of about 30 points COMBINED in each game from TDs. Give me a break Hansen.

This guy really grinds my gears. He's not beef of the week material, but he grinds my gears. Rashad Jennings caught a swing pass and took it to the house and he's proclaiming "THERE GOES TIM JENNINGS". The guy who is solo, broadcasting to basically every NFL fan, can't even get the fucking names right. I heard Sheldon Bailey instead of Stedman. And there was another one I can't remember but was really bad! I swear it! Guy works for 6 hours a week and can't do his fucking job right.

This week I'm on to the custom jerseys and funny signs. But only one funny sign. It said "I'm full Chubb". From now on, any time an EFFL member (probably me) drafts Nick Chubb, he will be taunted with obscenities "WAITRESS, WAITRESS. TOSS HIM! HE'S FULL CHUBB"

And who buys this shit?!?!?


And this is just a sampling. They are EVERYWHERE. Grown adults plunk down $100 to get a jersey with random shit on it. WHY?!?! No adults ever should have custom jerseys. I've maintained this stance for a long time and I will not waffle. How bout the Falcons idiots. $200 on that shit. And "AIN'T 1" can't even go anywhere wearing that alone. It doesn't make sense. Is that a Jay-Z reference? We can't be sure. Where's the guy with the "99 PROBLEMZ" jersey?

I do have to give it to the Bengals guy. That was clearly a Palmer jersey, and he ripped that nameplate right off! I wanted to find a GIF of Palmer ripping off the Ocho Cinco nameplate, but I can't find it on the internet. It may not exist. But I guess if you rip off Palmer, what the hell else are you gonna put?


Let's just get right to the damn Beef of the Week:


My goodness is this guy fucking awful. I took Carlos Hyde in my other league. I didn't understand. All I read was "Who's on the offensive line?" "They can't protect!" I didn't buy that. Turns out I wasn't even wrong. I completely underestimated how straight garbage Colin Kaepernick is. He's so bad, he might soon be benched for Blaine Gabbert. Out of 40 QBs drafted in the first round since 2000, only Brady Quinn and JaMarcus Russell have a worse QB rating. This includes guys like Joey Harrington, Matt Leinart, Kyle Boller, Vince Young, and David Carr. He's worse. And Kaepernick is even worse than THAT.

He's thrown for 227 yards in the last two weeks COMBINED. Every fucking zone read play he keeps. Every one! You're supposed to "read" the defense. It's not a fake to the RB and then you sprint straight into a defender. You may not realize how bad he is, but in his 52 career starts, he has 52 TD passes. You can point fingers anywhere you want, but in the famous words of Clay Matthews "YOU AIN'T WILSON BRO". What a disaster that team is. What an idiot for thinking they'd give the ball to the only good player on the team.


Also, only myself, Dosh, and TITTY have voted on the EFFL get together.

http://doodle.com/poll/5yuf658533isrqm6

You can actually vote "No Option Works for Me". JUST VOTE. If you don't wanna get drunk and watch football with your boys, that's on YOU, brotha.


Power Rankings

14. Bo$$town Cutter (1-3 - Last week 9): Tried to tough it out, but it's been 3 defeats in a row. With Dez injured and Martavis Bryant suspended for blowing tree with you, you had one good receiver. You traded him for Brady. And you picked up Tavon Austin who had a career day, and you didn't use him. Even with Martavis back, I'm concerned about the overall quality of this squad. Injuries have really hurt, which sucks.

13. TWINECTOMY (2-2 - Last week 11): I can't endorse this team at this point, even though you squeaked out a win. Despite a solid effort in Week 3, you've scored 83, 68, and 90 in the other 3 weeks. Could have easily used Ted Ginn after he helped you out last week, but chose to bench him while he scored 2 TDs. Peterson is keeping your team afloat, but he's on a bye in Week 5. A LOT of waiver wire players, but at least showing some consistency. Losing Lance Dunbar hurts.

12. Dueling Pylons (1-3 - Last week 14): Out of the doghouse! Finally started to show some improvement after a pitiful start. Still couldn't figure out which players to start, but there's at least some hope. Gurley went off in just his 2nd game. He's a total stud. Also scooped up Eddie Royal at 12:30, used him, and he was in the end zone a half hour later. Must've killed Lou. Hilton and Agholor may be sucking ass, but others are starting to step up, which this team needs big time.

11. The King's Crusaders (2-2 - Last week 12): About on par with the Pylons, but certainly not much better. I'm absolutely shocked that Maclin has done this well. In his past 6 quarters, he has 19 catches for 289 yards and a TD. That's almost 9 points per quarter. Absurd. Your RBs stink, however, and relying on two TEs every week can get a bit hairy. Rawls may prove to be a really big pickup if Beast Mode is out for an extended period of time.

10. Geno 911 (2-2 - Last week 13): This is probably an all-time high for Geno 911 in the power rankings. In any season. Your team is bad. But it's not THAT bad. Jamaal Charles has worked out. I still think the rest of your roster is filled with players that nobody else in the league wants.You could probably cut about 2/3 of your team and they wouldn't be picked up. I hope so, so badly that week 13 is a meaningful game against the Pylons.

9. A Lot O'Tatz (0-3-1 - Last week 5): Can't keep you afloat anymore. The only winless team, You're lucky you're still ahead of Gambino. Andrew Luck has scored 29 fantasy points in the 3 weeks since acquiring him. That'll obviously get better, but don't feel bad. Hilton has been awful also. Looking at your team, it should be better. Congrats for now being up to 4 players drafted by the Pylons. A tremendous accomplishment.

8. The Old Ball Sack (2-2 - Last week 8): Julio can't do it for you every week. You basically picked players from all the teams that are getting reamed by everyone. Lamar Miller, Anquan Boldin, And due to blind homerism, traded a very serviceable Danny Woodhead for a Redskins backup RB. Could certainly be lower. Probably should be lower.

7. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-3 - Last week 7): Injury bug is really starting to creep up on TPG again. Lynch, Joique Bell, Charles Johnson, Austin S. Jenkins all missed this week. You do have the luxury of having Wilson and Rivers, and I'd highly recommend dealing one. AJ and Fitz is arguably the best combo in the league, so you're good there. Rough week, but things will get better.

6. Tweeting in the Trenches (1-2-1 - Last week 10): Moved up! I have nothing to say about your team. I do have SERIOUS beef with your trade offers. I was alerted you attempted to get Demaryius Thomas for Gates, Gore and Andre Johnson. Shockingly, shockingly, that was not your worst offer OF THE WEEK.

Saturday night, I'm watching Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1. Who knows if Peeta and Katniss are going to get back together?!?! All of the sudden my phone buzzes and I see "You've received a trade offer". I'm excited, distracted. Adam Vinatieri for TY Hilton. I immediately lose it. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!?!?" Chris' response? "Hahahah, I'm 8 Coronas deep and just wanted to laugh at your reaction". First of all, that's mean. Second, they still sell Corona in October? That's messed up. You're losing credibility. Get it together.

5. Team Bartholomew (2-2 - Last week 6): Antonio Brown is feeling the Big Ben effect. He's been touched and degraded, and he certainly didn't ask for it. I'd probably cut Kaepernick. He's thrown for a TD in exactly 1 of 4 games. But Jeremy and VJax got it together, which is a good sign. I think you're team is around the middle of the pack right now. Could go up or down still.

4. Stanky Monkeys (3-1 - Last week 2): Just an awful week all around. When 2 players leave the field due to injury, it's not good. And you've gotta be disappointed with just 16 from Matt Ryan when the Falcons scored 48 points. There was nothing you could have done. I think your team has better days ahead though. Edelman is off the bye. DeSean will be back soon. Ryan Mathews has been more effective than Spray Tan. I think you're fine.

3. Pork Chop Express (3-1 - Last week 4): The only thing consistent about this team is inconsistency. Again this team feels like it should be better, but despite the point total, I guess you really can't argue with the results. I just don't know how you make lineup decisions. It's gotta be so difficult every single week. Schedule is gonna start to get tougher after feasting on the league's bottom feeders. Allowed 98, 89, 95, and 106. You need a challenge.

2. Team BG (3-1 - Last week 3): Go figure. The two new guys occupy the two top spots. Thrown for a loop by Drew Brees, which is unfortunate. Despite also falling into the 49ers/Dolphins trap (IT'S A TRAP!), you've got two top-10 receivers and another in probably the top 20. In a 14 team league, that's huge. And your boy LeGarrette is ready to roll. I think this team is trending up.

1. Cecil Had It Coming (4-0 - Last week 1): Nothing new to report at the top. Despite an uncharacteristically low scoring week, had Devonta Freeman severely bail him out. Now have pulled 120 points in 3 weeks from single RBs. Team isn't as fun without Gronk, huh? This team will be fine and is certainly still the team to beat. Of course had the highest waiver priority and grabbed Stafford too. Bastard.


I'm back. I'm ready for more football. I needed something desperately. And this thing is wide open. A couple good records at the top, but lots of teams right around .500. Still everything up for grabs this early in the season. Except for EEB. He's gotta get it going right away.
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