Bring that Ace by the case

Diamonds, diamonds, diamonds, diamonds on me dancinnnn. Before we get into football, I'm just letting you all know that I've claimed Monmouth as my March Madness team. Their bench mob is the greatest thing in college basketball for a long time, and that's MY SQUAD! When they're dancing (literally and figuratively), just remember I told you so. They've already knocked off USC, Notre Dame, and UCLA. Back to football.

I thought Week 12 was fantastic. Exciting football for a change. No Eagles!! They stuck all the bad teams together like Titans/Raiders and Bucs/Colts. Lots of scoring. Snow games. Rain games. Had everything you could ask for.

The Thanksgiving games seem so long ago, but they featured some of the worst football I’ve seen in recent memory. The Eagles got blown out by the hapless Lions, and Tony Romo was injured again. But food, beer, and football are always a great combo.

T.Y brought this noise

At this point, the EFFL has gotten to be way more exciting than the actual NFL, and I’ll get into that shortly. But first, the beef.

Beef of the Week: Scott Hanson

Or should I call him Seth Hanson. Or Scott Frandsen. It really doesn’t matter what you call a person, whether it’s their real name or not. That’s apparently the approach he’s taken. Look, I’m the first person to think it’s hilarious to refer to someone in jest with the wrong name. Like EEB taking Colby Lattimore. Or kicker Kai Horvath. It humors me to no end. But when you’re getting paid to sit by yourself in a studio and work for 6 hours a week, it’s inexcusable to compliment the running of Gino Bernard. My favorite is when it’s the recommendation of players to pick up that most people have heard of, but he thinks nobody ever has. He never has a clue how to pronounce the players’ names. It’s embarrassing. I wonder if his employer cares.

He also has no understanding of the rules or time. The Chiefs took over with 2:20 left yesterday. The Bills had one timeout to use. He advised that the Chiefs would be going into “victory formation”. Really? Teams take a knee three times and then punt the ball with a minute and a half left? After apparently getting abused by the producer, he offered a “we’re gonna check the math on that one”. It’s not that difficult! The play clock is 40 seconds. The guy has been flat out brutal this year, and I for one wouldn’t mind seeing him replaced.

On to the EFFL! When the dust cleared, much took shape in Week 12. A few more teams punched their playoff tickets, and one unfortunate Bostoner was eliminated, lost his boy Gronk, and watched Brady blow a 14 point 4^th quarter lead. Sunday was not so easy.

Here’s where we stand:

#1. The Old Ball Sack (10-2) – A remarkably impressive record from Mike Y, as he held on to beat Tatz and locks up the first round bye. He told me his son was giving him shit for using Jamison Crowder over literally anyone else. I imagine the conversation went something like this: “Russ, I’m in first place in the standings and in points. That’s minimum $250! You’re gonna get that drone for Christmas.” Hours later, when Crowder does absolutely nothing, he comes up and punches Mike in the dick. “Why would you start someone on the Redskins?!?!? Don’t be a homer!!” It all worked out for everyone except Russ, who will now get nothing due to insubordination.

#2. Stanky Monkeys (9-3) – Locked in as the #2 seed and will get the winner of the wild card fiasco TBD. Was in play for the bye until this week’s loss, and because Mike Y has the tiebreaker over you, you cannot pass him. It’s a tough break, but the guy doesn’t lose. That Edelman injury was so huge. We’ll see what happens.

#3. Cecil Had It Coming (8-4) – Yet another team which has locked in their seed, as CHIC will be the #3. Beat Woody and Ben, so this is a lock. This team has been ice cold, and going into the playoffs on a huge losing streak is not what anyone wants. You need to end that streak! Please! Anyway, your opponent will either be EEB, Woody, or Fusco.  They’re 3 of the most loathsome franchises in EFFL history.

#4. Pork Chop Express (7-5) – Don’t feel bad. I lost to Dosh too. Due to EEB playing Woody in the final week, it’s a mathematical certainty that you are going to play the winner of that game in the 4-5 matchup (or Woody if they tie). Prepare accordingly. Despite crying like a baby all day Sunday, you’re officially in.

#5. The King’s Crusaders (7-5) – Also locked in to the playoffs following an impressive run of 3 straight victories. You’ll play Ben if you beat or tie EEB or Phil if you lose to him. The streak continues, as King has still never missed the EFFL playoffs in 11 seasons. Your team is not bad by any stretch, but you must feel a little bit lucky having entered the week just 11^th in points and on par with Geno 911 and TPG. That damn Woody luck.

#6. A Lot O’Tatz (6-5-1) – You’re in. There still exists a scenario by which you can miss the playoffs, but you’re in.

I also want to make an addition to the rulebook in future years for a unique scenario which I never even thought possible. There will obviously be no change this year, but there is room for interpretation which will be addressed in the offseason.

Section 6.B.ii. of the EFFL Rulebook deals with tiebreakers of more than two teams. Item 1 states “If one team has head-to-head advantage over all other teams, rank team first.” What that should say is that a tiebreak matrix is created FIRST, so that when comparing two teams, it is evident who is ahead. Then proceed with the tiebreak. However, as the rule is written, should EEB, Fusco, and Dosh all end up 6-6-1, EEB does NOT have the “head-to-head advantage over all other teams”, as he tied Fusco. I never thought 3 teams would have ties and end up equal in the standings, but it could happen.

AS SUCH, should the 3 teams wind up tied, total points are the tiebreaker. Here is the scenario by which this would be a problem.

Both EEB and Fusco have defeated Dosh. If Dosh had the most points scored, under the current rules, he would be ranked highest. In actuality, if Fusco had more points than EEB, he would own the tiebreaker over EEB. Since he owned the tiebreaker over EEB and Dosh, he would be ranked first. Then EEB for owning head-to-head. Then Dosh. The reality is that this won’t come into play, as Dosh has to make up about 150 points in Week 13, which has a 0% chance of happening. As such, Dosh is guaranteed to be ranked 3^rd of these 3 if they all end up tied. And as a result, since EEB must be ranked #1 or #2 if he loses in Week 13, he’s in. Got all that?

Can finish anywhere from #4 to #7. Your opponent will be one of Stanky Monkeys, Cecil, and the Pork Chop Express.

5 Teams for 1 spot

Although this is not a safe assumption, we’re going to go ahead and assume there are no ties in Week 13. Fusco can sneak up to #6 with a win and EEB loss. All other scenarios result in the 1 team advancing to play the Stanky Monkeys.

Tweeting in the Trenches (5-6-1) – Owns head-to-head tiebreaker over Dosh for real! First in priority, and you play BG in week 13. You’re the only team that controls its own destiny. Win and you’re in. Lose and you’re out. Playoffs start this week baby.

ROLL THE DICE (5-6-1) – I seriously can’t believe you’re in it. Number 2 on the totem pole, and you also have a simple formula to make it. You must beat Phil and have BG beat Fusco. That’s it. Anything else and you’re out.

Team BG (5-7) – Currently in the tank, but you’re not done yet. Obviously must beat Fusco, which enables you to jump him. You also need Dosh to lose to Phil to get into the mix. But we’re not done here. Things then get interesting because you own the head-to-head tiebreaker over Tatz, but have lost to the Pylons (ew). If the Pylons also lose, you’re in no matter what. If the Pylons win, you must hold onto your approximate 40 point lead in total points. Here’s your checklist for Sunday.

• Defeat Fusco
• Dosh loss to Phil
• Pylons loss OR Pylons win, Tatz win, win most points.

Team Bartholomew (5-7) – Win over Mike Y would have been HUGE. I was rooting against you. I’m sorry. Your list looks basically the same as BG, but you’re in a much more difficult position. You have to have him beat Fusco to get past Fusco. But since you don’t own head-to-head tiebreaker, you MUST end up in a 3-team tie and win total points. There’s only one scenario where you get in, and it’s going to be tough. Here’s your checklist.

• Defeat Lobitz
• BG defeats Fusco
• Phil defeats Dosh
• Pylons defeat Gambino
• Make up 38 points on BG and stay ahead of Pylons in points.

Dueling Pylons (5-7) – Had a HUGE week 12 to stay alive. More importantly, now own tiebreaker over BG. List looks remarkably similar to Tatz, but have a few more outs. Pylons were very far behind in points, but got a very large chunk of that difference back in Week 12. The teams ahead are within striking distance. Sunday checklist:

• Defeat Gambino
• BG defeats Fusco
• Phil defeats Dosh
• Tatz loss to Lobitz OR Tatz win and win most points.

So that’s it. Only one of these 5 teams will make it in, and all of my incoherent rambling gets rendered useless if Fusco beats BG. Your playoffs look like this:

#1 The Old Ball Sack
#2 Stanky Monkeys v. #7 A Lot O’Tatz/TITTY/ROLL THE DICE/Bartholomew/DP/BG
#3 Cecil Had it Coming v. #6 King/TITTY/Lot O’Tatz
#4/5 Pork Chop Express v. #4/5 King/Lot O’Tatz

Also, Mike Y will play the lowest seed remaining in Week 15. The other two teams will play each other. Sorry for the 3 teams that have nothing to play for. But I guarantee Gambino is salivating at the thought of knocking me out of the playoffs.

Will be floating around the city Sunday looking to yell at people. Feel free to join. Good luck to everyone in Week 13.

Too Fresh, Too Clean

Cam Newton is just killing it. Fashion sense. On the field. There's nothing he can't do. He's certainly the most entertaining player in football right now. Which is great, because football has been rough. I was fully prepared to be blacked out before the turkey even hit the table Thursday. I planned on pulling a Garth with the electric carver and remembering none of it.

But now the Eagles fucking suck (they've always sucked). Back to back Sanchizes at home against the Dolphins and Bucs is one of the most embarrassing things I've seen in awhile. And now I don't even care. It's even more embarrassing than this guy, who put his first name on a jersey.

Also, James Jones wore a hoodie, and noted it's "Cali Swag".

Sad news: The Jaguars finally had a home game. But even worse, it appears that @JagsPoolBooty has gone missing. This was really the only reason for the Jaguars to have a home game. Instead, they came out in puke colored jerseys and made me question my life and why I started 3 Jaguars in fantasy. It was terrible.

And my apologies for delay in getting this blog out. There were no fewer than 5 EFFL games up in the air Monday night. And two games were directly impacted by the awful officiating. It's close to my beef of the week. But it's time to TURN UP. It's holiday season and most of our real life teams suck ASS. Time to refocus.


Beef of the Week: Cowboys-Dolphins game

I'm not sure exactly what was going on. I was simply watching on RedZone. But for some reason, in this day and age, this game had exactly one camera fixed at the 50 yard line. That's it. Cowboys got into the actual Red Zone, and the whole picture was diagonal. Why?!?!? Is it that hard to have a camera at another location than midfield? Does nobody care about the Dolphins? It's entirely possible, but it was absolute brutal viewing. You could see the entire routes the top 2 guys on the field ran and absolutely nothing on the near side. Maybe they just figured nobody was watching the game.


EFFL Playoffs

* 1. The Old Ball Sack (9-2) - Holds head-to-head tiebreak over the Stanky Monkeys. Could lock up a first round bye with a win and Stanky Monkeys and Cecil loss. Also took over the points lead. Mike Y is staring at a big chunk of money right now. Will be no worse than #4.

* 2. Stanky Monkeys (9-2) - Keeps rolling. That's 4 in a row, and certainly in play for the bye. Two winnable matchups in the final 2. Would be something if this team finished 11-2 and didn't get the #1 seed. Can also do no worse than 4th.

* 3. Cecil Had It Coming (8-3) - Uh oh. Not only has Cecil relinquished the #1 seed, but the points lead is gone as well. Scores of 71 and 61 the past two weeks. That's alarming after the start this team had. I think they'll get it turned around. Own tiebreaker over everyone but Stanky Monkeys. Mathematically can finish no worse than 4th.

4. Pork Chop Express (7-4) - Still not officially locked into the playoffs. There is a scenario by which PCE could miss the playoffs. But win and in. Or a loss by BG, EEB, or Tatz and you're in. Looking pretty good at this point.

5. The King's Crusaders (6-5) - In the famous words of Drizzy Drake, "I done hit the stride got my shit goin. In the 6 cookin' with the wrist motion".

Winners of 4 of 5. Looking to be asserting themselves as playoff-level. One win and one Tatz/EEB/BG loss and you're in. Or just beat EEB in Week 13.

6. A Lot O'Tatz (5-5-1) - Won with 88 points. Sometimes shit just has to go your way. A bunch of teams are hot on your heels, but you control your own destiny. Two wins and in. Likely need to win at least 1. 6-6-1 may be good enough. How mad will you be if King knocks you out?

7. Team BG (5-6) - Don't even know what to say man. Losses of 5, 5, and 1. #InadvertentWhistle cost you the win. You're lucky you went to sleep. But you'd be in if it started today. Huge matchup to knock out DP followed by 3-time defending champ TITTY. Win 2 and you're in. Win 1 and it'll be close.

8. Team Bartholomew (5-6) - Knocked off Gambino to knock his ass out. But a REAL tough final two against Mike Y and Lobitz. They're clearly two of the best teams. And given that BG has the tiebreak over you, I'm not so sure that 1 of 2 will be enough. Gonna be tough I think.

9. Tweeting in the Trenches (4-6-1) - Still in it. Got a slumping Phil and BG in the final two weeks. You MUST beat BG to get in or hope EEB loses two and pass him in points. Like Tatz, tough but doable. At the precipice.

10. ROLL THE DICE (4-6-1) - The second beneficiary of #InadvertentWhistle. Didn't deserve a tie, but let's see if that holds up on Thursday. Still in it for now. Also have Lobitz and Phil the final two weeks, so not only need to make up games, need to do it against the league's best and get help. Really far back in points too.

11. Dueling Pylons (4-7) - Out of chances. Must beat BG to even stay alive. Then must take down Gambino to get to 6-7 and get some serious help. With all the ties, only likely to end up in a tie with Tatz and BG. A 3 way tie would send it to points. BG is way ahead. Not looking good.

12. Bo$$town Cutter (3-7-1) - Needed one more point from Tommy Brady. Mathematically still alive, but need to end up in a 3 or 4 way tie with EEB and Fusco. Lots of things need to go your way and a very tough matchup in Week 13 with Stanky Monkeys. Beat EEB. Please.

x - 13. Geno 911 (3-8) - Officially eliminated. Due to Fusco playing BG, one of them must be ahead of you, which means can't get higher than 8th. This was destined to happen. Hasn't won a game since Week 5.

x - 14. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-8) - We'll change the 1 PM rule. I promise.


We could have 7 teams fighting for 2 spots in Week 13 depending upon results. Hope everyone has an enjoyable Thanksgiving and doesn't remember anything after 5 PM.

Who Dey House

That's actually not a question. I want tiger stripes on my house. That's sick. I'm gonna get through this blog as quick as possible. It's late.

@MartysaurusRex dropping the hammer on the #Rams #Bears pic.twitter.com/YT1m3QPeBO

— Shayne L. Marsaw (@wasram) November 15, 2015

Drew Stanton's like that Little League third base coach who gets way too hyped pic.twitter.com/lHpEGZIYQT

— Anthony Slater (@anthonyVslater) November 16, 2015

Greatest thing I've ever seen!

#camnewton deserved this victory dance pic.twitter.com/i1qmPo9ROz

— BallerAlert (@balleralert) November 16, 2015

I think it's impossible NOT to like Cam Newton. He's cool. (It is OK to not like the hour-long end zone dance) pic.twitter.com/L5j0H4W3FU

— Jason McIntyre (@jasonrmcintyre) November 16, 2015

DABB ON EM!!! How is Clemson #1? Pretty wild. Sadly we've seen the end of Peyton Manning. Guy set the NFL record for passing yards and got his ass benched in the same game. He put up -7 fantasy points in the EFFL on Sunday. Possibly the worst effort in league history.

I have some pre-beef before we get into the main part of the meat. The NFL admitted the referees made a mistake in the Ravens-Jaguars game. That mistake directly cost the Ravens the game. Why can't the league go back and make it right? There should have been an obvious penalty called to end the game. The officiating error directly changed the outcome of the game. You should be able to rectify that.

Beef of the Week: Mystery Meat

I actually don't know who the beef is with. It was more a scenario that I have the beef with. I've consistently had beef with Bruce Arians absolute refusal to play rookies based solely on the fact that they're rookies. He'll play a guy who's worse strictly because it's not his first year in the league. Well last night, Al Michaels is going on about the running back situation in Arizona and why they brought in Chris Johnson.

"Ellington was hurt. They drafted David Johnson, and you don't want a rookie as your ace..." WHAT?!?!?! Al PLEASE. Is he spewing this garbage? Is he being forced to say something by that lunatic Arians. Chris Johnson got fucking SHOT over the summer. What did you do in the offseason?!? Just a casual drive-by. But much more worthy of starting than David Johnson, because Chris Johnson isn't a rookie. It's infuriating. That stubbornness is going to hold the team back at some point. Book it.

But the biggest loser of the week was first place team Phil Imbesi. I was alerted Sunday afternoon that he was the sole survivor (if you lookin' for me I'll be on the block) in his Survivor pool.

All he needed was the Bengals to beat the Texans to take home $1,500. Otherwise, the pot would be split 5 ways. My advice to him was to bet $500 on the Texans + the points. He let it ride. And the Bengals lost at home to the Texans 10-6. No doubt when he reads this blog, he will not have slept.

On to the playoffs.

LOCK IT UP

* #1. Cecil Had It Coming (8-2) - Saw this coming a mile away. Lost your money. Almost lost your bye. Lead on points scored is dwindling. Gotta get it together and head into the playoffs strong. But due to points tiebreaker still owns the top spot.

* #2. The Old Ball Sack (8-2) - Also punched a playoff ticket after holding on to defeat BG. Own tiebreakers over Stanky Monkeys, but has not defeated Cecil. Get cupcake Dueling Pylons next week. Certainly in play for the bye.

* #3. Stanky Monkeys (8-2) - Having the tiebreaker over Cecil is big. Punched their playoff ticket and just playing for the bye at this point. Can easily wind up atop the standings.

SHE BOUT TO GO IN

#4. Pork Chop Express (7-3) - Unique category reserved for this team. 7-6 should end up being enough, but one more win officially clinches a playoff spot. Not in yet, but bout to go in.

WHY DOES IT FEEL SO GOOD? SO GOOD TO BE BAD

#5. Team BG (5-5) - Still hanging on. Huge matchup with Woody here that can put you a game ahead of everyone else behind you. Awful luck the last two weeks losing by 10 combined points and could easily be 7-3. I'm very much hoping you win that one.

#6. The King's Crusaders (5-5) - Got that win over Tatz. Of course. That's messed up man. I really wish we played each other a different week. But as has been the case year after year, proving a tough out. Looking pretty good despite only being .500.

#7. A Lot O'Tatz (4-5-1) - Yes, that's right, I said it. If the playoffs ended today, EEB would be out of the gutter and in as the last team. I just can't believe that's even possible. Was #13 just two weeks ago. But I've been saying it every week that this thing is gonna go til the end. Can't wait for your showdown with Woody in Week 13.

I WANNA MAKE LOVE IN THIS CLUB

#8. Team Bartholomew (4-6) - "This Club" is the playoffs. Owns tiebreakers over the other terrible 4-6 teams. Missed a huge opportunity against Woody to move up. Must take care of business against Gambino as last two are Mike Y and Lobitz.

#9. ROLL THE DICE (4-6) - Would've lost to the Pylons basically any other week, but that's the way the cookie crumbles. Now owns tiebreaker over a heated rival. Same thing for Tatz applies to you. If you come up short against Cutter, finishing with Ben and Phil is not going to be easy.

#10. Dueling Pylons (4-6) - Like Team Bartholomew, blew a huge opportunity to get in. Even worse, the Pylons have lost to basically everyone around them. Unless they win out, they're going to need a good amount of help. Have to right the ship at some point.

#11. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-6-1) - Still just a game out of the playoffs. But a huge matchup with TPG is probably going to knock the loser out. 3-time defending champ is on the ropes. Can finish .500 at best. Even that might not be enough.

COOL FOR THE SUMMER

Honestly, who doesn't wanna listen to some Demi Lovato? Probably never thought that would appear on the EFFL blog. This group is just about focused on the Summer... of 2016.

#12. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-7) - TPG really needed to take down EEB. Would've been right in the playoff mix, but now 1.5 games back with just 3 to play. Can do 6-7 at best, and that's starting to look a little hairy. TITTY, Gambino and Mike Y is probably the worst final 3 you could have in terms of frustration, not quality.

#13. Bo$$town Cutter (3-7) - Out of the basement!! Gio Bernard saved your season on the final drive to keep you alive for another week. Like TPG, 6-7 is a tough sell, but you never know. Team certainly looks capable of going on a run.

#14. Geno 911 (3-7) - This team was 3-2. Scores of 102, 72, 71, 103 the past 4 weeks. Tatz, TPG and Pylons to finish the season. So if you can't make it, you're certainly in a position to play spoiler. And I know you'd love to spoil any of those teams from making it.

Week 11 Matchups

#1 Cecil Had It Coming (8-2) v. #7 A Lot O'Tatz (4-5-1)

#2 The Old Ball Sack (8-2) v. #10 Dueling Pylons (4-6)

#3 Stanky Monkeys (8-2) v. #4 Pork Chop Express (7-3)

#5 Team BG (5-5) v. #6 The King's Crusaders (5-5)

#8 Team Bartholomew (4-6) v. #14 Geno 911 (3-7)

#9 ROLL THE DICE (4-6) v. #13 Bo$$town Cutter (3-7)

#11 Tweeting in the Trenches (3-6-1) v. #12 Tequila Party Gnomes (3-7)

Best of luck to everyone in Week 11. We're on the verge of getting a couple teams knocked out and a couple more clinching. But hey, it's Week 11 and every single team is still in it. 1.5 games out with 3 to play is not the end of it. 

Week Nine, Feeling So Damn Fine

After a pathetic and injury-ridden Week 8, things started to look up again. Mike Young was spotted at the Pats-Skins game:

@stoolpresidente @FeitsBarstool #NoFilter pic.twitter.com/1kzQAWuhP6

— Joey B (@SouthieAsShit) November 8, 2015

That's right Cutter! Better keep yo bitch on a leash!!

The funniest thing I saw all day was the combination of these two GIFs

Make sure to click play. This is great. Aaron Rodgers slamming a Surface tablet is so damn funny. I've pointed out on the blog previously how Rodgers refuses to show emotion. Well now we know what grinds his gears. Failing to see open receivers. I think this has taken over as my most enjoyable face over ManningFace.

Also, Cam Newton ripped a Packers fan's $500 sign and is threatening legal action.

And #BILLSMAFIA was BACK on Sunday... going ham in and out of the stadium. TyGOD shredded the Dolphins and my fucking parlay. Dosh was YELLING inside a bar. WHERE'S EJ MANUEL?!?!? THIS FOOL TYROD WON'T THROW TO ROBERT WOODS! He was also yelling about Chris Ivory and basically anyone directly or indirectly responsible for his fantasy team's demise.

At one point after a Bryan Walters TD (Who?) I exclaimed "WHO IS THIS WHITE GUY??!?" Probably shouldn't be yelling that in public, but when you have every other Jaguar, shit happens. I also received actual applause from another table for going nuts over Steelers D recovering a fumbleroosky and getting an extra 2 points with no time left on the clock.

But back to the Bills:

BUFFALO BILLS FANS ARE THE DRUNKEST FANS pic.twitter.com/cpRkV8MR65

— Drunk Rex (@ImDrunkRex) November 9, 2015

#BillsMafia always bringin it!! pic.twitter.com/UH7sjPNCRx

— Everything Buffalo (@EverythingBuf) November 8, 2015

Basically just go to Twitter and search #BillsMafia. Just out there killing it.

And I'll leave this here for Tatz, whose team was briefly back, but now is gone again.

A photo posted by snoopdogg (@snoopdogg) on Nov 8, 2015 at 9:39pm PST

*** LEAGUE RULE REMINDER ***

There are a few things I wanted to remind everyone of.

1. Trade Deadline: As always, the trade deadline is before games start in Week 12, which is Thursday November 26th. So you get to enjoy the classic EEB getting plastered the night before Thanksgiving and agreeing to some ridiculous trade with Woody..

2. Keepers: No players added after Week 12 can be kept next year. So if you want to take some guys with potential, it has to be before Thanksgiving.

3. Rosters Locking: Once the playoffs start, any team who is eliminated can no longer make roster moves.


Things got a little more interesting. Phil was running away with this thing, but he's now been struck again by the injury bug. Roethlisberger is out for who knows how long. Dion Lewis is out for the year with a torn ACL. After losing Arian Foster, this has to really hurt. Even his backup QB Teddy B got knocked out cold. But the big dogs kept winning, which means there are a lot of teams still alive.


Beef of the Week: Mike Pettine

I almost forgot about this it was so long ago! What a fucking MORON this guy is. He is going to try everything in his power to keep Manziel off the football field. Guy came out after the game and just smeared shit all over JFF's face. His Browns teammates came out and supported him, but the coach had no interest in helping or promoting his young QB. I don't understand it. Surely the consensus is "He's concerned with keeping his job. He's going with the QB he thinks gives the team the best chance to win." Old, tired adages.

Johnny was a 1st round pick last year. 1st round! You don't think the owner and GM want to at least give him a shot?!? If I'm that pussy Browns owner, I'm walking into Pettine's office and giving him two options: Start Manziel, or pack up your things and GTFO. We'll bring in a guy who starts him. Either way, he's playing.

My message to Mike Pettine is basically the same thing I say to myself every Sunday morning when making lineup decisions: Stop being such a pussy. Your team is fucking terrible no matter who you use.

The Browns have no shot to go anywhere. I have so much beef. Recently, rapidly declining site Deadspin published a piece about how the NFL has no good QBs and the problem is that QBs need to sit and learn instead of being thrown to the wolves. That's such a fallacy it's unbelievable.

Take a look at the best QBs in the league who were drafted highly. How many of them "sat" while some aging veteran plugged along? Not a single one. There are only two good quarterbacks that sat for years: Rodgers and Rivers. That's it. And they were behind Favre and Brees. That's the only reason they sat. The only other guy that didn't play right away is Brady, and it's not like he was a 1st round pick. There's this huge myth that QBs need to sit and develop, and that's just not true at all. Free Johnny.


Playoffs

* 1. Cecil Had It Coming (8-1) - officially clinched playoffs
2. The Old Ball Sack (7-2)
3. Stanky Monkeys (7-2)
4. Pork Chop Express (6-3)

5. Team BG (5-4)
6. Team Bartholomew (4-5) - most points
7. The King's Crusaders (4-5) - beat Pylons

Outside Looking In

8. Dueling Pylons (4-5) - has lost to Tatz and Woody
9. A Lot O'Tatz (3-5-1) - 1001 points
10. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-5-1) - 995 points
11. ROLL THE DICE (3-6) - defeated both TPG and G911
12. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-6) - more points than G911
13. Geno 911 (3-6)
14. Bo$$town Cutter (2-7)


Again, even the team in 13th is just a game out of the playoffs with 4 weeks to go. Things are certainly very, very fluid.

I don't know why I picked Dosh to win, but the rest of my picks were good. Commish is hitting over 70%. Let's see what we've got in Week 10.

#1 Cecil Had It Coming (8-1) v. #3 Stanky Monkeys (7-2)

This is definitely a good one. Cecil is wounded. Dion Lewis is injured. Devonta Freeman is on a bye. Currently, Phil doesn't even have a QB or RB on his roster that's going to play in Week 10. All of the sudden, that team looks beatable. The Stanky Monkeys certainly had a disappointing effort in Week 9, but this could go a long way to locking up a playoff spot for the 2nd straight season after missing out in 3 straight. Phil will be back, but I don't think this is his week.

Commish's Pick: Stanky Monkeys

#2 The Old Ball Sack (7-2) v. #5 Team BG (5-4)

Somebody's gotta put a stop to Mike Y's run and butt cheeks. I think BG is that man for the job. Of course his boy Owen Daniels has his best game of the season right after they trade for Vernon Davis. But right now Brees and Demaryius and Hopkins and Landry are getting the job done. Julio also is on the bye for the ball sack. Guy needs to chill. 80 catches and 1,029 receiving yards. Those are Julio's numbers TODAY. He still plays 7 more games! I'm expecting a high scoring affair, but I think Mike Y's team in week 10 is very reminiscent of said cheeks: very white and exposed.

Commish's Pick: Team BG

#4 Pork Chop Express (6-3) v. #10 Tweeting in the Trenches (3-5-1)

No rest for the weary here. Fusco's final 5 games are against the top 4 and TPG. I think it's safe to say at this point that the 3 time defending champ is on the ropes. Got plastered Saturday night for an LSU blowout and got nidged when Jets kicker Nick Folk hurt himself during pregame warmups. The good news is that having DeAngelo on your roster is huge. The bad is you have absolutely no depth. I still think this could turn out OK, but gotta start winning some games now.

Commish's Pick: Pork Chop Express

#6 Team Bartholomew (4-5) v. #7 The King's Crusaders (4-5)

Talk about a big game here. My goodness. The winner of this game is going to have a huge leg up on clinching a playoff spot. King has made the playoffs in every single EFFL season. And every year there's a chance to knock him out. Nobody has delivered that blow yet. Let's see if Tatz can do it. I actually liked the trade with Ben. It's always good to get players who score more points for players who score less. Plus you get to root for Honolulu Blue and your Thanksgiving is that much better.

Commish's Pick: The King's Crusaders

#8 Dueling Pylons (4-5) v. #11 ROLL THE DICE (3-6)

You may not be aware, but the Pylons are kinda, sneaky hot. Like a 7.6 that you really thought was maybe a 6 but turned out to be pretty good. Since starting 0-3, the Pylons are 4-2 in their last 6. Dosh has cracked 100 points just twice the entire season. I should just turn my phone off Thursday night so I don't have to deal with "WHY ISN'T HE THROWING TO ROBERT WOODS?" "LATAVIUS MURRAY JUST RAN OFF THE FIELD FOR NO GOOD REASON". I'm gonna be sitting there with a lead, done after the 1 PM games, and holding my shorts hoping to fend off Peyton, Peterson and Latavius. Should be interesting.

Commish's Pick: Dueling Pylons

#9 A Lot O'Tatz (3-5-1) v. #12 Tequila Party Gnomes (3-6)

One of my favorite grudge matches here. Ol' Jordan Matthews finally decided to show up. He'll go away next week. Maybe EEB is finally starting to put it together. The bigger issue I see is that probably the 4 best players on the roster all have not had their bye yet. With TPG and then Phil coming up, I think that becomes a big problem. This game becomes that much bigger. TPG isn't in that bad of a spot. EEB, TITTY and Gambino still ahead make 6-7 doable. That could be enough to get in.

Commish's Pick: Tequila Party Gnomes

#13 Geno 911 (3-6) v. #14 Bo$$town Cutter (2-7)

Finally back at full strength, Cutty still can't get over the hump. Believe it or not, I think playoffs are doable. Gambino and Dosh the next two weeks can get to 4-7. Then EEB and Stanky Monkeys, and the way it's looking, 6-7 may get in. Team has been much better, and it's looking like this team can be dangerous down the stretch. I can't say the same for Geno 911, which is by far the worst team in the league. If I still did power rankings, this team would rightfully be dead last. I put playoff odds at 10% after the draft, and that feels a bit generous. Has the easiest schedule of any team down the stretch, yet will probably lose all 4 games. But hey, at least you can keep Romo.

Commish's Pick: Bo$$town Cutter

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Week 8 was awful. It was arguably the worst to date. Here’s how things worked out for everyone this weekend.

Myself: Eagles on bye, entire fantasy team on bye, Reg blew out knee on his first touch, lost parlay.
Matt: Eagles on bye, lost parlay.
Ben: Eagles on bye, Keenan Allen down, probably lost whatever he bet on.
BG: Eagles on bye, JT Barrett busted for DUI.
Lou: Eagles on bye, Steve Smith torn Achilles, Matt Forte knee injury.
Cutter: Lost to TPG. Alone in last place.
Nick: Had no regulars on bye and still barely broke 70 points. Cowboys an embarrassment.
Tatz: Had no regulars on bye and still barely broke 90 points. Cowboys an embarrassment.
Mike Y: Redskins on bye. Fantasy team did respectable.
EEB: Redskins on bye. Opponent’s QB dropped 50 on him.
Phil: Browns an embarrassment. Couldn’t even root against Eagles.
Dosh: Started Brian Hoyer who actually did reasonably well. Still got blown out.
Fusco: Giants scored 49 and lost. Lost Le’Veon Bell for the season.
Woody: Giants scored 49 and lost. Fantasy team looked terrible despite the win.

I guess Mike Y made out the best since his team looked good and his real squad didn’t lose, but half the league had their favorite team on bye. 5 more league members had their favorite team get beat in games they easily could have won. Dosh has no team, but his fantasy team is terrible. Cutter is the only one in the league whose team is actually good, but he’s in dead last in fantasy. Something’s gotta give here.

I haven’t even stumbled across any funny pictures this week. It’s like everyone just determined Week 8 was a lost cause and they weren’t going to even bother.

I’m really upset by this latest wave of injuries. It’s absolutely crippling. Le’Veon, Khiry Robinson, Ricardo Lockette, Reg, and Steve Smith are out for the season. 2 historically favorable players of mine and arguably the #1 overall player. Also down with possible multi-week injuries are Carlos Hyde, Matt Forte, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Keenan Allen, and Kendall Wright. It’s going to be an interesting week on the waiver wire with a lot of players potentially being late season studs.

And you just KNOW Gurley is going to blow out his knee again. It’s just bound to happen. When was the last time the masses as a whole were this excited about a rookie RB? Gotta be Peterson, right? Including his 6 carry effort in his first game back, he’s averaging 115 yards per game. That would be an NFL rookie record. Only Clinton Portis, Barry Sanders, and Adrian Peterson have averaged 80 yards per game and 5.2 yards per carry as a rookie. Please injury gods! Just let us have this!

And I’ve just got to point out this stat. Drew Brees threw 7 TD passes yesterday. Colin Kaepernick has thrown 6 TD passes in 8 games.


Beef of the Week: Justin Tucker

Gotta be kidding me man. You beat the 2-5 Chargers to improve your 1-6 team to 2-6 and you’re out there doing Drake’s “Hotline Bling” dance. No way. Kickers should not be dancing. They should not be tackling. They shouldn’t be doing a lot of things. And your team is 2-6!!!

Pour one out for the homie Steve Smith and represent using one of his classic dances if you’re going to go this route. You’ve got rowing in the canoe, the joust, wiping the baby’s bottom, and many more. Everyone would have loved it if he did the canoe. Would’ve been an absolute legend. Instead, mockery. Did a dance that’s been laughed at and memed to death. Where’s Antonio Brown when you need him?

Things are getting awful tight in the EFFL. There were a number of matchups this week with Top 5 teams playing other, inferior teams. The big boys won every single one of the matchups. Here’s how things look as of today.

Playoffs

1. Cecil Had It Coming (7-1)
2. The Old Ball Sack (6-2)
3. Stanky Monkeys (6-2)
4. Team BG (5-3)
5. Pork Chop Express (5-3)
6. The King’s Crusaders (4-4)
7. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-4-1)

Outside Looking In

8. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-5, 871 points)
9. Team Bartholomew (3-5, 863 points)
10. Geno 911 (3-5, 857 points)
11. Dueling Pylons (3-5, 847 points)
12. ROLL THE DICE (3-5, 752 points)
13. A Lot O’Tatz (2-5-1)
14. Bo$$town Cutter (2-6)

Wonder if Cutter did a dance after moving to 2-6. This has gotten very, very interesting. The top 5 are all 2 games ahead of the outsiders with just 5 to play. King got a huge win over the Pylons, and TITTY found good fortune despite losing his best player. There’s a real chance that the teams in and out of the playoffs are changing on a weekly basis.

Commish picks went 5-2 last week, so I’ll try to keep that gravy train rolling.


#1 Cecil Had It Coming (7-1) v. #6 The King’s Crusaders (4-4)

You see what happens, Larry? You see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass! King jumped ahead of the pack in Week 8 and how is he rewarded? How about a key matchup against the league’s #1 team? Add to that the Chiefs, Seahawks, and Cardinals are on a bye, and King is going to be picking for scraps against a full strength Cecil. I would be absolutely shocked if the King was able to pull this one out. Based on recent child birth, there’s little evidence to support he’s any good at that.

Commish’s Pick: Cecil Had It Coming

#2 The Old Ball Sack (6-2) v. #7 Tweeting in the Trenches (3-4-1)

This is a big one for Fusco. The three-time defending champ has to take on a team that’s arguably hotter than Phil. TITTY also has Russell Wilson on a bye and just lost Le’Veon for the season. But luckily, Chris has DeAngelo sitting on his bench, and can plug him right in. That’s the only consolation. Mike Y is rolling right now, and every Odell point is going to come from Eli. It just looks to me like this is not going to be TITTY’s week. I think Mike Y continues the hot stretch and inches closer to punching a playoff ticket.

Commish’s Pick: The Old Ball Sack

#3 Stanky Monkeys (6-2) v. #4 Team BG (5-3)

Another high profile matchup, but both teams are going to be missing players. Randall Cobb has been really struggling for the Stanky Monkeys, and this team has lost a lot of depth. On the other side, DeAndre Hopkins hits the bye, but I don’t think there’s much cause for concern. Colston and Malcom Floyd had huge weeks, and they can confidently be plugged in. I don’t think things align for the Stanky Monkeys this week.

Commish’s Pick: Team BG

#5 Pork Chop Express (5-3) v. #10 Geno 911 (3-5)

Geno is reeling right now. After starting 3-2, they’ve fallen to 3-5, and each week has bene worse than the last. Now half the team is on a bye in Week 9, and the opponent is one of the league’s top scorers. This is a recipe for disaster. While things aren’t looking up this week, Geno will have an opportunity to put some space between his team and the other competitors. Final 4 are against Cutter, Tatz, TPG, and the Pylons. Just don’t expect anything in Week 9.

Commish’s Pick: Pork Chop Express

#8 Tequila Party Gnomes (3-5) v. #9 Team Bartholomew (3-5)

TPG just got a season saving win v Cutter, and it doesn’t get any easier from here. A showdown with Tatz, followed by EEB, TITTY and Gambino provides an opportunity to crawl back into the playoffs. It’s amazing how TPG went from the bottom all the way to borderline playoffs with just one win. Team Bartholomew is ice cold. Since starting 2-0, the team is just 1-5, with a lone win against Dosh. But you’re catching TPG on a good week. Beast Mode and Larry Fitz are out, which means TPG is going to have to turn to some reserves. This is definitely one of the better matchups in week 9. In a different week, perhaps the pick would be different.

Commish’s Pick: Team Bartholomew

#11 Dueling Pylons (3-5) v. #14 Bo$$town Cutter (2-6)

I think both teams realize how big this game is. Falling to 2-7 at this point basically knocks Cutter out. Conversely, if the Pylons can’t beat the last place team, playoff odds plummet. Cutty looked much better in defeat this week. Even with Gio, Dez, and Martavis combining for just 16 points, he still cracked the 110 point barrier. That’s bad news for me. The Pylons knew Week 8 was a throwaway, but the roster is going to look much stronger coming out of the bye. I actually think this is going to be one of the higher scoring affairs in Week 9 despite the standing of the teams. This is a HUGE game.

Commish’s Pick: Dueling Pylons

#12 ROLL THE DICE (3-5) v. #13 A Lot O’Tatz (2-5-1)

EEB must be scratching his head, wondering how his season has ended up like this. But STILL, his team looks good on paper, and he’s just 1 game out of a playoff spot. He’s scored many more points than Dosh, so that’s something. Dosh’s lethal duo of Hoyer and Charcandrick West is on a bye, but he’s got some decent bench spots. I think this is a very interesting tilt. Again, both teams need a win here to keep pace with the rest of the pack. I’m going to go with a slight upset here.

Commish’s Pick: ROLL THE DICE


The EFFL will be watching football this Sunday at a bar TBD. It should be pretty rowdy.