What Do You Mean?

Johnny Football!! I've been clamoring for him all season and it finally happened.



Pew! Pew! Pew! Let him play! "Here's a guy that's done nothing, and all we do is show him on TV". - Terry Bradshaw. Fuck outta here TB. I want ENTERTAINMENT.

This is the best thing I've ever seen. Like ever. That's how you celebrate! Players should continue this trend until the league realizes how ridiculous of a penalty excessive celebration is. Bring back the balls as props, group celebrations, everything. It makes the game so so so much more exciting.

We're down to the final 4, and I'm sorry guys, it's bad news. We already knew the much maligned Mile Y was a semifinalist, but it has gotten much worse. 3 time defending champ Christian Fusco (pronounced FOOS-co) is still alive. Chris Woody is also still alive. These are the people that are going to be taking your money. But there is some hope. The rest of the league can hitch our wagon to Eric Brooking. He's our only out at this point. One of these four "gentlemen" will take home the EFFL crown, a massive pot of money, and decide the location of the 2016 EFFL draft.

Yes, all the good guys lost in round 1. Phil took home the points crown in the regular season, but his team clearly lost steam as the season wore on. Stanky Monkeys were never able to recover from the Edelman injury. Just didn't have the hits on the waiver wire that other teams did. And Lobitz, whose fantasy season ended in every league he's in, was done in by classic hubris. Nothing foreshadows losing quite like insisting you have an amazing team, yet doing nothing to back it up. After I gave him the old "good job, good effort" pep talk following a 71 point effort, I was told to "eat shit". A scorned man who finished out of the money, plus lost side bets to me. That's a tough one. I've been telling you all year how terrible Davante Adams is. His stats back it up. Yet that wasn't enough to keep you from using him in a playoff game.

Beef of the Week: 

Might be pork. Not exactly sure. But that's a full slab at Oklahoma Joe's in Kansas (don't ask me why). This came from a damn gas station and was one of the best meals I've ever had. Full slab w a side of Z Man and a couple Boulevard Wheats.

Poor Chiefs tailgate. Had absolutely nothing on #BillsMafia and it poured its ass off. The weirdest thing I saw was a custom Chargers jersey: Flacco 3. What?!?!? Was Flacco sent to the Chargers and nobody knew? Who pays money for this shit!?!?

This is usually the point in the season where I've had enough of blogging. It's no different this year. But you're all in luck, as being stuck on a flight has left me with no option.

The Old Ball Sack v A Lot O'Tatz

Grudge match here. Two Redskins fans who I'd bet a million dollars will be texting "YOU LIKE THAT?!?!?!?? YOU LIKE THAT!!!!" after every single thing that happens during the games Sunday. Somehow Dosh will get looped into a group text. I do feel some allegiance to EEB as our 4 trades this year mean basically everyone on his roster was on my team at some point. As he's also the least objectionable remaining member, I'm clearly on board for as much Tatz as possible. You know what happens to an old ball sack when it sits idle for a week? Grows cobwebs. I'm expecting Mike Y to lay an egg and bow out! That's one name we cannot have added to the trophy.

Commish's Pick: A Lot O'Tatz

The King's Crusaders v Tweeting in the Trenches

Just seeing this as a semifinal match must drive even the calmest of men insane. "Gotta be fucking kidding me" is also a proper response. This is a rematch of last year's championship game. It ensures that one of these 3 time champs will again be in the finals. Fusco can't win again. His stupid giggle drives me nuts. And he knows it drives me nuts and it makes him giggle even more. I do think this is going to be a pretty good matchup. Both teams have been playing very well of late, and despite my frustration, it's hard to deny that both teams are deserving of reaching this point. I don't wanna hear that Russell Wilson ain't fuckin. He's been hot as shit, and has carried Fusco to this point. Happened last year w Odell. It's bullshit. This streak has to end, and I think it ends here.

Commish's Pick: The King's Crusaders

I can't believe it, but I'm predicting an EEB-Woody final. That would be a hell of a matchup, as that's one of the league's biggest rivalries. One of these 4 teams will hoist the EFFL trophy. Perhaps one of these fathers will have their child yet again break the trophy. Good luck to everyone in the semis.

Next week will be the last blog of the season. Not only does nobody care after the finals, I will be away enjoying spending Christmas in a tropical climate. Wouldn't wanna ruin your trip Mr. Cheapskate. Who wants to spend Christmas in a tropical climate anyway?!?!

Color Money

We have our field of 7 teams. It went as predicted, but it wasn’t until late Sunday night that 3-time defending chump Chris Cusco punched his ticket to the EFFL playoffs. Tatz made a push, and Dosh never threatened, but this is still a disappointing result. Cusco was led to victory by Russell Wilson. 

While he refuses to give the D to Ciara, he had no problem repeatedly inserting into an unsuspecting BG. This D was also given to me, as I was knocked out as a result. I don’t know what this says about the guy.

Before we get into some of the previews, I’d like to direct your attention, yet again, to #BillsMafia. They’ve completely outdone themselves this week, and not coincidentally, the team did work on the field. I’ll just direct your attention to this link here, which recaps the complete debauchery that took place in the Ralph Wilson parking lot.

http://www.barstoolsports.com/chicago/monday-morning-bills-mafia-rewind/

There’s a woman dropping trou in a urinal, Santa Claus being choke slammed, and I couldn’t tell from the brief video, but that looked like Kyle Orton working over Sammy Watkins pretty good. Just remarkable. Best comment in regards to the video I’ve seen: “You can tell he’s a Bills fan by how comfortable he is working from behind.”

I’m giving a lot of thought to moving my Bachelor Party to Buffalo. I know it seems ridiculous, but nothing says enjoy marriage better than having one of your boys suplex you through a table.

Beef of the Week: Tom Coughlin

I feel like this clown has been in this spot before, but he’s fully deserving yet again after blowing a “home” game against the Jets. Honestly, being in a bar in NYC during Jets-Giants is the absolute worst. Both fan bases are so delusional, and literally nobody outside of NY cares about the game AT ALL.

But here was Coughlin, up 10 in the fourth quarter, facing a 4^th and 2 from the Jets 8 yard line. And this clown goes for it! How do you do that?!?!? The drive took 11 minutes and they got nothing out of it. The Giants could have gone up 2 TDs on the Jets, but Coughlin instead decided to go for it and fail. Of course he’s then shown with the same dumb look on his face he always has. It’s the “I obviously made the right call, why didn’t that work?” look. Just utter confusion. Time to pack it in old man. The Jets went on to win in Overtime, after lackluster kicker Josh Brown missed a field goal to extend the game.

Coaching stupidity of this level should not be tolerated. Not only was the wrong call made, he insisted after the game that it was the right call. That’s the problem. Failing to admit your mistakes is one of the worst things you can do as a person. I hate the Giants, but at this point, I’m glad they have a clueless guy at the helm. It can only help other teams.

So here are our Playoff matchups. Please be aware that if you are eliminated from the playoffs, you cannot make further roster moves. Just don’t try it.

#1 The Old Ball Sack – Mike Young will be chilling during Week 14 while the rest of the league fights it out. He cannot play Lou or Phil. He will play the lowest remaining seed. Just have to hope that nobody gets injured.

#2 Stanky Monkeys v. #7 A Lot O’Tatz – EEB lost and Fusco won. Fusco also finished with more points, so EEB falls to 7^th to take on Lou. Neither team can be all that enthused about their Week 13 performance. Particularly EEB, who lost to nemesis Woody and fell two spots. If EEB wins, he gets Mike Y, which is surely enticing. If Lou wins, he’ll play the next highest remaining seed. At this point, I’m not all that confident in A Lot O’Tatz. The team has reached 125 points just once this season. I think this is going to be a close one, given each team’s stature right now, but I think with Forte back, I’m leaning Stanky Monkeys in a nail biter.

Commish’s Pick: Stanky Monkeys

#3 Cecil Had It Coming v. #6 Tweeting in the Trenches – This is a big ask for a first timer. Take down the 3-time defending champ to extend your season. And the team that comes in at #6 has been the much hotter team of late. TITTY has piled up 284 points in the past two weeks. Cecil did finally turn it around in Week 13, so perhaps he’s turned a corner. This is going to be a very interesting one. These teams met just two weeks ago with dominant performances from Russell Wilson yet again. I’m a little skeptical here, and I’m obviously rooting for Phil. This is a tough one to call.

Commish’s Pick: Cecil Had It Coming

#4 Pork Chop Express v. #5 The King’s Crusaders – The playoffs this year leave very few “palatable” teams. Aka, I want both of these teams to lose. Woody went 8 weeks straight without scoring more than 112 points, but he’s in the playoffs on the heels of a 4 game winning streak. I’m glad we finally saw something from Pork Chop Express this week. He’s been coasting for a while after starting 5-2. But the Running Backs are REALLY struggling. DeMarcus Murray has been relegated. Jameer Abdullah can’t get on the field. And Danny “White Guy” Woodhead has been pretty bad for the past couple of weeks. I don’t think either team really has a huge advantage, but it will be interesting to see how the trade of Palmer/Tron for Rodgers/Kelce comes into play here. According to a trade proposal, Lobitz quipped: “Rodgers and Kelce for Palmer and Calvin. I know you will say no and it makes me happy cuz I really don’t want to do it anyway”.

Commish’s Pick: The King’s Crusaders

So that’s my final four. Mike Y, Lou, Phil, Woody. You take your pick who you want to win, but if that happens, it’s a guarantee that one of Mike Y and Woody is in the final. That would be terrible.

Good luck to the 7 still in contention. Remember, the winner gets to determine in what city the 2016 EFFL Draft is held. Buffalo is an option.