Dosh, try to look creepier. Today is a bittersweet day. I'm excited for the season and have tons of work to do on my team, but it means that another highly anticipated draft is in the books. Everyone I've spoken to had a great time, and I think the draft was very successful. We can definitely have some discussions about future draft locations and dates, as despite trying to plan months in advance, we were still only able to get 12 of 18 members together.
Before we get into the hilarious details of the draft itself, it's time to get into the Beef of the Week. You may be thinking to yourself, "The season didn't even start yet. How can he already have beef?" This beef is personal. I'm calling out Chris Fusco.
Apparently the draft came as a surprise to Mr. Fusco as he showed up to the draft with no cash in his pocket. Additionally, his trophy was left behind in my apartment, which I fully expected. But it wasn't until Sunday morning, that the beef became real.
Chris stayed over in Tatz Manhattan Friday night. I spoke with Tatz yesterday about the condition of his place upon departure, and more specifically if Fusco left his place in shambles. In prior events, there was trash strewn across my apartment, pizza crust in boxes left on my table, and various other missteps. To my surprise, Fusco did not leave any trash behind and generally left his place in good condition. Flashback to this morning. I am emptying the box I carried around all night with the draft boards and what do I find? Every single paper Chris Fusco brought to the draft was left with me. He didn't even stay with me, and I still ended up with his trash. Asshole! Get me that money!!
Here's a picture of Mr. Beef guest bartending as Connor Barth:
Here's something I made which is just hilarious, except for the fact that someone was drinking Bud Heavy:
UPDATE: Apparently it was my Bud Heavy. I'm an asshole.
I wouldn't be surprised if Tatz and I got tackled to the ground in the shots that follow and I was just simply too blacked out to remember it.
The Lottery
Despite traffic, bars and other distractions, the time for the lottery finally arrived. We took to the rooftop of my apartment building and tried to stop the inevitable from happening. EEB got all tough and started shouting at Sam Resta "Hey New Guy!" If Sam responded with "Hey Demoted Guy" he would've been given instant credibility. I started pulling names out of envelopes, and with each one that passed, the anticipation built.
Name after name, and yet none was the picture of Matt Atallian. He looks smug in the above photo, knowing what was bound to happen. We were down to the final two, and still nothing. It would be either Nick or Matt for the first pick. I pulled open the envelope, removed the piece of paper...
"The 2nd pick in the draft belongs to... Nick Gambino!!" I think every other person on the rooftop yelled "NOOOO" except for the man in green. He had done it again. 8 out of 10 years, this guy has pulled the #1 pick in the EFFL Draft. Every year the legend continues to grow. Immediately, Matt texts Lou knowing that the response would be legendary. Lou is furious. When he called me he sounded like he was crying a little bit, and who can blame him.
I was on the verge of tears myself. Immediately my profession was being attacked. "HE CAN'T BELIEVE IT. AS AN ACTUARY, THIS ISN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN". Matt was laughing in my face. I hate the lottery. Dude talked so much shit before the lottery too. I'd ask him where he hoped he'd end up picking, and I'd get responses like "I know I have the first pick. I'll let you guys sort the rest out." Just absolutely stunning.
For those not in attendance, I made funny pictures and renamed every team (which you can feel free to keep) for the draft lottery envelopes. Here is the list.
League 2
8. Sam Resta - Under the Influence
7. Adam Cutter - The Blackout Bandits
6. Adam Tatz - Team Meat Collage
5. Eric Brooking - EEB Ventura: When League 2 Calls
4. Ben Lobitz - Flex Positions
3. Mike Atallian - Street Pigeons
2. Elliott Miller - Overpopulated Quails
1. Whye Dosh - The Darkest Norseman
League 1
10. Brandon Riff - Crack Attack
9. Sam Woody - Sloppy Kissers
8. Mike Young - Shattered Dreams
7. Chris Woody - Ribs 'N' What Not
6. Darryl Hazelwood - The Fake G's
5. Yashar Toliver - Bathhouse Brawlers
4. Lou Sarcone - The Penis Helmets
3. Chris Fusco - Daddy Combover
2. Nick Gambino - Country Grammar Police
1. Matt Atallian - Snuggle Buddies
The Draft
Before we headed to the bar, TPG demanded Delaware little league baseball be put on the TV. Being from Delaware is a cult. Everything else about the state is the greatest thing ever. We're close to major cities! We're close to the beach! Chain Restaurants! One area code fore the entire state! As we moved to the bar for the draft, I was still in shambles over the lottery. The night could only go up from there. And up it did.
By the time the open bar began, the entire league had already been drinking for a good 3 hours. It's amazing a draft was even able to be had. And the worst part is that despite being far more sober than the rest of the league, Gambino still made the worst picks. He was flat out laughed at when Tony Romo went off the board in the 5th round. He followed it up with Miles Austin, Jermichael Finley and BenJarvus Green-Ellis. Clearly a prime candidate for relegation. Lou didn't have one of his famous collapses early in the draft. But Sidney Rice in the 7th round has to be up there. Rice wasn't even selected in the League 2 draft.
One of my favorite moments of the draft was when a nice young lady entered the back room of the bar and Dosh immediately demanded to know who planted her there. Apparently easily distracted, this could not be had. Predictable, his draft went downhill immediately after this interruption.
Also heavily intoxicated, Matt Atallian was angered when he was told Mike Wallace had gone down for the year. Belligerent, he finally cooled down when he realized he was being messed with. Then round 8 came along. Matt grabs the pink stickers and puts Dennis Pitta on the board. Everyone starts laughing at him and tells him Pitta is out for the year. But he's not falling for this one again. After about 5 minutes, he finally concedes that Pitta is actually injured. He grabs the pink stickers again and just puts Owen Daniels over top like nothing ever happened, which I allowed. He then goes on a two minute rant about how he's possibly supposed to keep up with injury news while picking for his brother like they're related (COME TO A DRAFT MEECH).
Matt also ended up with a combined 16th and 17th round pick of Mark Sanchez. He looked like this after the selection:
Also this:
Despite being doused with green stickers, Matt notified everyone that he didn't care, as he was "wearing running back green". Matt was also convinced that Ryan Swope was a nice sleeper for this year, who Matt drafted in Round 15. Ryan Swope has retired from football. As you can tell by the final few round picks being nowhere near straight, things had gone downhill:
Here's the League 2 Board:
The open bar had taken its toll on everyone, and things started to get out of hand. Stickers were being used as weapons as all hell broke loose. People and items were being plastered with stickers. There were stickers on the bar, on the floor, and on people. The bartender seemed to be upset, and then decided it wasn't worth it. She joined in and hit people with stickers as well. Here are some photos of the carnage:
The After-Party
While open bar got cut off around 12:30, the EFFL After Party raged long into the night. In addition to the partying, a possible budding romance between Sam Woody and Mike Y was building. Mike Y also puked late in the night in a possibly unrelated incident. Beer Pong was played and dominated by Dosh. Adam Cutter puked. Adam Tatz puked.
But the real winner the next morning was Ben. Despite being too drunk to even make it to the after party, Ben woke up the next morning and blew a .07 at 11 AM the next day!!! So impressive.
If anyone has more pictures from the night that they'd like to share, please let me know. The ones I've received so far are beyond funny. If I'm also missing any important details from the night, blame it on the fact that I blew a pathetic .03 at 11 AM the next day.
So, another year of EFFL Draft is in the books, and there is work to be done. The blog is back. Football is back. I think it's safe to say that this year's draft would rank #1 on pretty much everyone's list. Each year we keep raising the bar, and there's no telling what could happen next year at the special EFFL 10th anniversary draft. I'm glad everyone that was able to come out had a great time. For the guys that didn't, you were surely missed.
I'm looking forward to future blogs, banter, and everything else in between.
Yours in EFFL,
Cro
