Still No Playoff Spots Have Been Clinched

3 teams tied for first. There must be a regular season champion.

Again I missed another weekly writeup and again I came away on the ass end of a defeat. The fantasy gods have struck down and they have said you must write. The only Homecoming point of note is the tailgate beverages. Due to an exorbitant purchase of a 32 pack of Yoohoo juice boxes, we needed to mix it with something. The beverage of choice was Dr. McGilliguddy's Mentholmint Schnapps. This mixture tasted like a mint girl scout cookie and was absolutely delicious at 9 am in the freezing cold parking lot. Week 8 was relatively uneventful.

The Stanky Monkeys took out the Pylons by a wide margin. This marks the 3rd straight victory for the Monkeys, who have not lost to the Pylons since 2006. A dynamic effort from Brian Westbrook was all she wrote. A full strength Monkeys and a weakened Pylons team seemed destined for this result. I received the usual text messages while Lou was at the Linc telling me how nasty his team was. The players he was referring to: Thomas Jones, Lance Moore, and Tony Gonzalez. This is what the EFFL has come to. Some clown believing he is the champion of the world because of scrubs that had a decent week. This must be stopped. I also shattered my watch into multiple pieces in a fist slamming incident involving a chair following a DeAngelo Williams touchdown.

The upstart Ari Golds took care of business against the tailing Jackson Five. Deactivated shortly before kickoff the Golds needed to scramble to find a replacement for #1 stunna Steven Jackson. Jerricho Cotchery was inserted and he did not disappoint. His 17 catches for 22 yards provided a huge spark of 19 points for the Golds. The Five meanwhile are fading quickly. Losers of 3 straight, the only enthusiasm uttered Sunday afternoon was a high-pitched “FANTASY” after a McNabb TD plunge. The big name guys are not getting it done. This team may need to look to trade or the waiver wire to get things going. After paying his league fees, the Five shook his head, knowing that he was funding my alcohol addiction.

Animals With Eyepatches (AEP) are riding Drew Brees and Roddy White back to fantasy stardom. This duo, along with a once in a lifetime performance from Debbie Does Dallas Clark, single-handedly have put Jimish back on the map after multiple seasons of fantasy futility. I like this Eyepatches team, as did many others at the draft. The reality is that we all know this team took the most time to put together, and the results are showing. Scouring player blurbs and projections for seemingly 10 minutes at a time, this highly calculated team is paying dividends. A 35 point effort from Carlos Santana Moss was not enough for “My Team Is Awful”. Your logo is a picture of Brett Favre crying, but I think the real problem is just having Brett on your team. The guy is an interception machine, and thus far it has not snowed in New York, preventing Brett from throwing snowballs in boyish celebrations after a hail mary that his receiver bailed him out on. Just hang it up old man. Chad Pennington and Aaron Rodgers are making you look like a complete joke. Aside from the rant, the awful team is still only 2 games out of a playoff spot with 5 to play. This thing is not over yet.

In the high scoring game of the week, the King moved to 6-2 with an impressive defeat of the Gnomes. It is Tuesday morning and I am just noticing that King used Antonio Bryant in his lineup?!?!? Good thing it didn’t hurt you, be wary of using Buccaneers. Unless you’re wearing a puffy shirt, I’d steer clear. Coming back from a nasty head injury, Anquan Boldin had a huge game with 2 TD’s, shredding the overrated Panthers secondary. Feat not league members, the Texans schedule gets much tougher. This must have been a demoralizing defeat for the Gnomes. Forced to choose between Chad Ocho Cinco and Torry “Big Game” Holt, he just couldn’t muster enough to take down that homo in the crown. The Gnomes now sit at 3-5, grasping on to the final playoff spot. A “MEGATRON!!” text couldn’t save Matt from succumbing to defeat.

Week 9 Preview

Tequila Party Gnomes vs. Stanky Monkeys

The last time the Gnomes beat the Monkeys was… well… never. The Monkeys have taken all 5 lifetime meetings, and it doesn’t get any easier in week 9. LT and Frank Gore are on the bye which should make the Gnomes plans for this week interesting. Lou must be loving missing Peterson, Bush, LT, and Gore in a span of 2 weeks. Whatever asshole made this schedule should be ostracized by the league. The Monkeys do lose superstar Lance Moore so this should be an even tradeoff. Based on the matchups I have to take the Monkeys in this one as much as I don’t want to.

Dueling Pylons vs. My Team Is Awful

On paper this looks like the 1st place Pylons should take care of the last place Awful team with ease. Looking a little closer, however, the Pylons have been on a downswing since the injury to the Reg. Awful meanwhile relies mostly on luck and could blow up any week. My guess is that this is not the week as All Day takes on the Texans and Larry Fitz entertains the Rams. Peterson may run for 350 yards and 5 TD’s… in the first half alone. With many players playing in late games, Awful will most likely have to come from behind to get the victory which I find unlikely. Look for the Pylons to set league records across the board in week 9.

The Jackson Five vs. The King’s Crusaders

This one is gonna be fun. King has very difficult matchups in week 9 including the Texans taking on the stout Vikings defense and Portis going up against the Steelers on Monday night. Known to play the matchups heavily, we could see an entirely different Crusaders squad come gametime. Meanwhile, I think the Five have a tremendous opportunity here to make a statement and get right back in the thick of things. McNabb will have his full arsenal in Seattle and the Eagles should dominate a joke of a Seahawks squad. I like the Five here in an upset between two bitter rivals. Perhaps we can go out to watch the games somewhere Sunday so I can see you two bicker.

***Game of the Week***

The Ari Golds vs. Animals With Eyepatches

Jimish was talking smack to Nick before he even played his first game in the EFFL. He backed it up with a win in Nick’s first ever game. Since that game, these teams have gone in different directions. 1 championship for the Golds and only one playoff appearance for the Eyepatches in almost 2 and a half years. A narrow 3 point Eyepatches victory in Week 5 surely has the Golds miffed. Both sitting at 4-4 right in the middle of the EFFL table, the Golds no doubt will be looking to wipe that bad taste out of his mouth. The standings may not tell the whole story, but over the last 6 weeks, these have been 2 of the 3 highest scoring teams in the league. Sporting a nifty 3 game winning streak, I expect the Golds to fall flat on their face in this one and get a nice spanking from the Animals.


Alright, that’s it for this week. Hopefully MLB will end baseball before November, provided it accommodates the Rays as much as possible. What a complete laughing stock that league is. At least hockey is back and the Flyers have actually won a game. I will be back with a review next week. Don’t wanna mess with karma.

Gnomes Get It Done

First of all, let me state my apologies for not having a writeup after week 5. I've received numerous complaints and I assure you this had everything to do with my alcoholism and nothing to do with being a slacker.

I visited the great state of Michigan to see the Wolverines lose to a lowly MAC squad from northwest Ohio. It took much resistance to avoid buying the "Buck the Fuckeyes" shirt, but in the end I decided it would be for the best. This makes 2 straight years I've seen Rich Rodriguez lose to an inferior opponent and I could not be happier. That man is not a good coach. Other than seeing a terrible football game, highlights from the weekend included seeing Lord Stanley's Cup in the flesh. After scouring the Red Wings roster, I believe it was 4th line scrub Jiri Hudler who decided his best wingman would be a large metal object while out at the bars in downtown Birmingham. Pylons co-owner Chris Fusco purchased a fake rubber vagine because his girlfriend was out of town and was unsatisfied with the results. The Party Gnomes and Pylons also got down with a couple strippers. All in all a great weekened but I digress.

The real story between the Pylons and Gnomes was the disaster of a game which culminated with a clear act of selfishness on the part of the despised Norv Turner. I can say with complete certainty that through fantasy I have come to hate this man more than any other coach in professional football. Seemingly a 9 point lead with Nate Kaeding against LT and Chargers defense would be an automatic loss but Nasty Nate kept on fighting. Producing some late field goals the Pylons found themselves with the lead following a meaningless Patriots TD to take points away from the Chargers defense with 5 minutes left. Then Norv struck. Up by 20 points, less than 5 minutes to go with nothning to play for, Norv sends out his starters for some asinine reason which I will never understand. First play is an LT run. Second play is a screen which LT takes 30 fucking yards down the sidelines to give the Gnomes a 1 point victory. I hate the Patriots. I hate Norv. I hate fantasy football.

Not to be outdone, the Stanky Monkeys and Animals with Eyepatches had a battle to the end as using baby Manning over the real Manning almost cost him. Maybe it's the combination of animal team names that made this one so great. Lou could not have been happier with the outcome of the Monday night game. The Giants got smoked but Manning and Burress did enough to get the win. I still don't understand how an Eagles fan can watch a Giants game and root for Eli and Plax. This loss must be demoralizing for Jimish after putting up hish highest total of the year with 135. At least you didn't lose by 100 this year. Likewise, I don't understand how an Eagles fan can watch a Cowboys game and root for TO and MB3. This boggles the mind. With the win Lou has vaulted himself into a tie for 2nd place with the common loon, the King.

In a battle of West Virginia hooligans, Nick edged out Sam with a narrow 9 point victory. Lost in the celebration was pretty boy toy Tony Romo for what seemed to be 4 weeks with a broken pinkie finger. In a show of true sportsmanship, Old Folks Home QB Brett Favre dialed up the Eastern Illinois product and told him to stop being such a pussy and suck it up and go play. Apparently Romo can now magically play. Screw modern medicine, just call Brett Favre. He is the healer of all and has snowball fights with his teammates. Is there a greater man alive? The recent acquisition of Brandon Jacobs could pay dividends in the future, but a 1-5 start for the Old Folks Home is not a great way to start the season. Still only 1 game out of the playoffs all is not yet lost and it could be worse. You could be 1-9.

In one of the most hated, yet unspoken rivalries the King took down the Jackson Five to move to 4-2. Clinton Portis has been dominant and King is riding Southeast Jerome to a strong season. Overrated Marshawn Lynch and Chris' love affair with the Texans may hold this team back when it comes to the playoffs. The Jackson Five drop to 2-4 and must be scratching their head at this point. Randy Moss is like night and day and Santonio Holmes is not getting the job done. This now marks the 3rd time in 6 weeks thus far that the Jackson Five have been the low score of the week. This is a team with enormous potential but has yet to break out.

Week 7 Preview:

Tequila Party Gnomes vs. The Ari Golds

In the middle of the pack this becomes a critical matchup. The Gnomes can take a 2 game lead on the biggest clown team in the league or the Ari Golds can thrust themselves right back into the action with a victory here. These teams do not like each other and a war of words may ensue on the message board if the Golds can ever figure out how to work his keyboard. Steve Smith always frustrates Matt, so I will take the Golds here.

Stanky Monkeys vs. Old Folks Home

Surprisingly these teams have split their 6 lifetime meetings. With the Jets and Giants playing the Raiders and 49ers respectively this could wind up being a high scoring affair. The Eagles bye week must have the Monkeys shook in this matchup. This could be the perfect storm for an upset in this one. Plus I wouldn't mind taking some of the heat off the top seeded Pylons. Give me the senior citizens.

Dueling Pylons vs. The Jackson Five

In the battle of the greatest first name known to man, the Five have actually not beaten the Pylons since week 2 of 2005, losing 6 straight. Over the past 4 meetings the Pylons have averaged 142 points per game indicating that the Pylons squad gets up for games against the Five. The great running mates and presidential ticket of Bush and Peterson surely will have a fire lit under their ass after the debacle against the Gnomes last week. Peterson's 2 fumbles cost the team a victory. The commish's crystal ball sees another Pylons win.

***Game of the Week***

The King's Crusaders vs. Animals With Eyepatches

These teams have previously met only 4 times, splitting the affairs. These teams are very evenly matched this year and each team has numerous favorable matchups. This could be high scoring, low scoring, close, a blowout, I honestly have not a clue in the world. Over the past three weeks, weekly point totals for each team have differed by no more than 4 points. That's why this one is billed as the top game for week 7. I have to assume that Jimish is a little pissed off that he did not get a win last week despite the 2nd highest score. I like the Eyepatches to stay strong and come through with the victory.


I hope that this review was adequate and made up for the absence last week. Hopefully this weekend of debauchery in Newark, Delaware for Homecoming will produce some more material for next week's review. Until then, good luck week 7.

Week 4

What a week for the underdogs. The only two 0-3 teams came through with the 2 highest point totals by teams this season. The standings look much tighter now, and with 6 teams making the playoffs things can change on a week-to-week basis.

I'm not sure after which of Laveraneus Coles' 3 TD's or after which of Brett Favre's 6 TD passes it was that I received text messages throwing up the white flag from the Jackson Five. In his 3 losses, the Jackson Five have allowed an average of 142 points. It's almost impossible to win. Going into the Sunday night games the score was 174-37. I have never seen a beatdown like this in all my years of fantasy football. The Jackson Five can at least take some comfort in this loss. He will most likely not have to fact a 170+ point outing the rest of the season. Also, scoring only 80 points, he wouldn't have beaten anybody in the league. Colston is soon to return and Holmes is showing signs of life. A rematch in week 5 with the 3-1 Stanky Monkeys may prove critical towards righting the ship. The Old Folks Home (I assume because of Favre) comes back in week 5 with the Jets on a bye against the 4-0 Pylons. Just change your name to the Golden Girls and get it over with.

The Ari Golds finally woke up and put up a monster 160 point effort, riding the coattails of Romo, Lee Evans, and Jerricho Cotchery to victory. I really think that everyone in this league dislikes every player on your team. This game got ugly quick and the King could never recover. At the draft in 2007 Nick proclaimed that he would be drafting Steve Slaton in the first round of next year's draft. Not only did Nick not grab Slaton, he was used against him in this game although it didn't hurt. Slaton looks good so far. An additional slap in the face was provided by the Golds dining at McDonald's just before Sunday's games. A returning Ronnie Brown must have this team feeling like the best is yet to come. With the Eyepatches next on the slate, the Ari Golds could quickly return to the upper echelon of the EFFL. The King meanwhile takes on TPG in a pivotal week 5 game. A rematch of last year's championship will surely be the game to watch.

Heading into the late games Sunday afternoon the Pylons appeared to be headed for their first defeat. Longtime friend of the team Trent Green did his best to keep the Pylons undefeated by throwing an interception right to Jabari Greer, which was returned for a TD. A DeSean Jackson TD in the first quarter sealed the deal. The Animals have been solid across the board but have lacked something spectacular the past two weeks. Favorable matchups this week bode well for the Eyepatches as losing to Nick would be the ultimate shame in the EFFL. The Pylons will try to keep the winning streak alive in week 5. As everyone already knows the Pylons are on a crash course for disaster once the playoffs begin, should they make it.

Amidst the eruptions from the Gnomes after every Larry Johnson point and Tony Gonzalez catch, this game actually turned into a fantastic finish. The Gnomes narrowly avoided disaster by discovering pretty boy QB Carson Palmer would not play only minutes before leaving his abode for drinking. Jason Campbell was thrust into the lineup and helped a furious rally from the Gnomes during the 4 o clock games. After the Eagles game the Monkeys were down 4 with only Hines Ward to play and seemed a virtual lock to win it. At halftime Hines Ward was catchless and at the start of the 4th quarter the Monkeys still trailed by 3. Mike Tirico exploded for a 50 yard catch by Nate Washington on the air, only that 85 was in reality an 86 on the back of the jersey. Hines had done it and the Monkeys stood in 2nd place alone. A surely heartbreaking defeat for the Gnomes. The fire under the ass of that lawn gnome must be huge after a tough loss and seeking revenge for last year's 86 point thromping from the King. I would not want to mess with that team this week. The Monkeys are still trying to fight off injuries but always seem to put forth a solid effort. Playing a desperate Jackson Five team could prove to be a battle.

Happy Brunson Day

Week 3 Review

That had to have been one of the most exciting and nerve-racking games I have ever been a part of. Entering Sunday night up 54 points facing half a lineup, I was literally yelling at the TV for a good 6+ hours between the final 2 games. I can't stand the Jets. Favre is beyond annoying, Laveraneus has appeared on Sesame Street, and Jerricho Cotchery has caught more 2 yard passes than anyone I've ever seen in my life. Battling back and forth, Nate Kaeding came through in the clutch. Not until there was less than a minute left when Kellen Clemens threw an interception was it clear that the Ari Golds would remain winless. Leaving Ronnie Brown on the bench didn't help either. The Golds have scored no fewer than 98 points in a game this season but have yet to come away with a victory. That must be frustrating. This victory was made even sweeter because of the 2006 playoff debacle that was the Pylons, springing Nick to his first/last league championship.

Another taste of revenge was felt by the King. After having the 2nd highest score in week 2 and coming away with a loss, he scored the 2nd lowest total in week 3 and was victorious. The once nasty Stanky Monkeys are looking to be on shaky ground with Westbrook, Burress, and Parker all out for the near future. Couple that with Manning's subpar season and Hines Ward being Asian and things could get ugly quick. A week 4 fling with the resurgent Gnomes could prove disastrous. Meanwhile, the King takes on the winless Golds in a battle of the past 2 EFFL champions.

The Jackson Five took down the Animals With Eyepatches in an early season must win game. Michael Turner's back must be aching because he has carried the Five back into contention. Week 4 is an early barometer of whether this team is a contender or pretender with a matchup against the winless Cassel Bunch. The last Cassel Bunch victory over the Five was all the way back in 2005. The Eyepatches did not have a strong game all around and using Kevin Smith over Addai proved costly. With multiple byes, defeating the Pylons would be a huge statement in a league that is wide open.

With Jones-Drew, Favre, Jennings, and Santana Moss all putting up 19+ points, the Cassel Bunch still could not come through and defeat the Gnomes. I've been praising this Gnomes team for much of the season but they finally had the week I was expecting to see. The Cassel Bunch could be in some trouble here at 0-3. This team just doesn't seem like it has much more upside than what we saw this week without making either trades or waiver wire acquisitions soon. Losing your first round pick for the year Week 1 is huge and this is a team that has been very lucky with avoiding injuries in the past.

I'm hoping that week 4 will be as exciting as what we saw in week 3. I will be writing the reviews in this space from now on because there are no limitations of how long I can continue this useless drivel. Old reviews will be sent to the EFFL archive. Pick up the trash talk. Make fun of Lou. Good luck.