What The Deuce?

First thing's first. The Chiefs being on Monday night sucks. Because it means we're denied an Andy Reid locker room GIF until after the blog is published. Sorry. And don't Google "Mike Smith booger". Please. Don't.

How do you know the blog is successful: When it's Monday and people are complaining that you haven't published yet. Just because the matchups are settled doesn't mean my Sunday has opened up! I was busy yelling at Chip to run the ball. He refuses. I wish a reporter would just sack up and ask "Hey Chip. Are you aware that one of the main reasons the last guy lost his job was his unwillingness to run the ball around the goal line?" Or run the ball in general. I've never seen a coach so willingly throw his O-Line under the bus. The backups suck. We get it. But guess what Chip? YOU PICKED THEM! It's your coaches that are supposed to have them prepared. And they're not. Sack up. Don't target Jeremy Maclin 16 times and McCoy 0. The best coaches in the league know how to use their weapons, which is something you should figure out.

But so it goes. There just wasn't a lot of excitement in Week 4. Only 4 games had a margin of victory less than 13 points. Whoever made the schedule just basically said fuck it in week 4. The most exciting thing happened off the field:

Fauria was trying to stop Lil' Rufio from urinating in the house when he misstepped & sprained his ankle at home. pic.twitter.com/djBc9XVjp5
— Detroit Lions (@Lions) September 29, 2014

I don't know what the best part of this is. Is it a dog named Lil' Rufio? Or the fact that these things happen to baseball players on a regular basis. And in case you were wondering, Lil' Rufio is on Instagram: http://instagram.com/lil_rufio

WHY IS MIKE GLENNON'S NECK SO LONG?!?!?!

I also wanted to address the controversial Pylons-Jays trade, which I received a lot of heat for. The EFFL currently does not have a league vote on trades. All of you pay $100 to enter the league, so in my opinion nobody has any desire to purposely make a bad trade. Both teams clearly feel they improved their team with the trade. I'm willing to entertain the idea of voting on trades if the league deems it necessary to help the league. Dosh, this does not involve you voting against every trade simply on principle. If you feel this a rule the league would benefit from implementing, please let me know.

If you had the Bengals and Cardinals as the only undefeated teams remaining through 4 weeks, please let me know, as we're going to Vegas. On the other end of the spectrum, I don't think it would've been tough to predict the Raiders and Jaguars would suck terribly. But one of the biggest surprise clown teams is the New Orleans Saints, which brings us to our Beef of the Week.

Beef of the Week: Sean Payton

What in the world is this guy doing? He's absolutely clueless. For some reason his gameplan mandates rotating 3 running backs. When Mark Ingram went down, he went into full panic mode. Pierre Thomas is losing snaps to Travaris Cadet, who is basically as good as a RB on the street. And Payton's gameplan actually revolves around him! His plays are actually set up to throw the ball to the 3rd RB. He's not utilizing his playmakers nearly enough. Get the ball to Graham. Get it to Cooks. Get it to Kenny Stills. Get it to Pierre. He refuses to adapt to the personnel he has and just tries to run the same shit. The Saints are going to absolutely flounder unless he makes adjustments. And I don't see that happening. It's going to be a long season for the Saints.


While it may not be sad for a majority of people, Tom Brady is done. He's not the QB he was. He wasn't that guy last year, and it's just gotten worse and worse. This is the 4th consecutive year he's dropped in QB rating. Belichick will never bench him, but it's gonna be a rough year. Sorry Cutty, but it's over. "Tom gets no help", say the talking heads. But he has no arm strength left and no touch. Better recognize.

Power Rankings:

14. The Smokin' Jays (0-4) (Last week: 12): A new team at the bottom!! This is the worst team in the league, and things are spiraling downward quickly. I'm not sure what the answer is here. Jamaal Charles is the only guy with upside, so maybe dealing him for a couple of above average pieces is the way to go. But starting the Redskins #3 WR and Owen Daniels on a weekly basis is just asking for trouble. Has a toilet bowl match with TITTY next week. That's about it. This team is on an L10 dating back to last season with no end in sight.

13. Tweeting in the Trenches (1-3) (Last week: 13): Bench and starters combined for 71 points. The only reason this team is out of the basement is because there were good players on a bye. Should still be OK with Staffy, Demaryius, Welker, and Stacy, but the shine has worn off of Gates and Sproles. We'll see, but there are certainly signs of concern. Again, I don't see a lot of upside, but if the big guns don't come through, it could be a problem.

12. Team Toliver (0-4) (Last week: 11): Another team that is on the brink of disaster. You can't expect Tron to put up a measly 3 points every week, but this team needs to hit the waiver wire immediately. The bench put up 0 points, which was my concern all along. Woodhead is lost for the year, and Sean Payton refuses to use Pierre Thomas. Huge, tough matchup with Mike Y next week. 0-5 could be too big a hole to dig out from.

11. Bo$$town Cutter (1-3) (Last week: 14): Finally on the board. Took out a watered down Pylons squad. but even at full strength probably would have gotten the job done. The real issue here is how much more can this team do? Lacy scored, Alshon scored, huge game from Frank Gore, a ridiculous 3 TDs from Larry Donnell, almost 100 yards from James Jones, and still didn't put up a huge total. Stop trying to trade Tavon Austin for real players.

10. Dueling Pylons (2-2) (Last week: 6): No clue where to put this team. Was #2 after week 1, but things have gone downhill ever since. Extreme inconsistency is not a good way to do it, but having the #1 QB, RB and WR on bye all in the same week would hurt anyone. Taking a wait and see on the Pylons, but things can go either way at this point. The Pylons have already played 3 of the bottom 4, so it's not going to get much easier.

9. Pork Chop Express (3-1) (Last week: 9): While this team is still #9 in the rankings, certainly are now much closer to the teams ahead. Andrew Luck is making a play for MVP. He's my favorite at the moment. I'm docking you for having 4 Browns on your roster. I've never seen anything like it. I'm still not big overall on the roster, but it's entirely possible that another team doesn't even reach 3 wins. Arrow continues to point up.

8. Geno 911 (2-2) (Last week: 10): Don't panic being this high. I really wish I had Steve Smith this year. He's likely to murder someone on the field before the end of the season, and a guy playing with that much fire is dangerous. Torrey Smith is terrible and Flacco knows it. He has a legit #1 receiver even though he's 35. I'm glad he's still relevant. Terrance Williams probably had the game of his life. 8 feels about right, and I think you'll hover around the playoff line.

7. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-1) (Last week: 5): Got a win over TITTY with just 85 points. Must be considered fortunate. Growing concern among the ranks, however, as Arian Foster is as unreliable as it gets. Now the Bears are threatening to withhold BMarsh. Getting Gio back will help, and Miles Austin could payoff (expect a trade offer from Pork Chop). Taking a wait and see here, but I wouldn't be surprised to see this team go either way.

6. A Lot O' Tatz (2-2) (Last week: 8): Putting up 111 points without Peyton or Julius has to inspire confidence. I've yet to be impressed with your receivers, but they've also yet to let you down. If they remain consistent, it should pay dividends. But having to roll out Khiry Robinson as your workhorse could be a problem. I think that's the only thing holding your team back from being elevated at this point.

5. DA BEARDS (4-0) (Last week: 7): The only undefeated team remaining. Finally into the top 5. I swear every time I see the Vikings I can hear you yelling "ASIATA FOOL!" Your bench lit it up this week, which is certainly encouraging. I'm still questioning the longevity of this squad, but I have to think you're in a pretty solid spot. I'm very interested to see how long this winning streak will last. I'm aware you beat Mike Y and are still behind him. I'm sorry.

ETA: Dating back to Week 3 of last season, Dosh is now 16-1 in his last 17 games. Very, very impressive.

4. Big Brother's Bitch (2-2) (Last week: 3): For 2-2, the #4 ranking might seem a little surprising. But it's appropriate. Look at what happens when Pierre Garcon has a normal week. Lamar Miller might prove to be one of the best picks in the draft. He's currently 5th in the league in rushing. I do think, however, that you're closer to the teams below you than the teams above. We'll see

3. Team Bartholomew (3-1) (Last week: 1): Again aware that AJ Green was on a bye, and putting up 114 despite that is impressive. But beyond the trio of Murray, Green, and Cobb, where are the points going to come from? The Panthers had a terrible week, and likewise so did Team Bartholomew. The Titans and Patriots offenses are so bad, so relying on them may prove to be a poor decision.

2. Stanky Monkeys (3-1) (Last week: 3): Was very close to reaching the top spot. Jordy is absolutely on fire, Matt Ryan is his normal erratic self, and Forte is as solid as they come. Fred Jackson is going to play forever. And you left Eddie Royal's 27 points on the bench. This is going to be a tough team to beat. Not flashy. Not a lot of young guns. But very, very solid. I expect more big weeks ahead. Your whole team is on a bye week 9. Guess who you play... The King.

1. The King's Crusaders (2-2) (Last week: 2): Despite the record, this is the team to beat right now. Le'Veon Bell has a shot to finish as the top RB. Antonio Brown has a shot to finish as the top WR. You're using all kinds of Steelers and it doesn't matter. It's working. All of this getting absolutely nothing from McCoy. McCoy, Brown, Maclin, Bell and Harvin is worth of the #1 ranking. Should be hilarious when you use Geno Smith against Geno 911 next week.

Week 5 Matchups

It's hard to believe that we're already at Week 5. Wow. Some huge matchups this week.

#1 The King's Crusaders (2-2) v. #8 Geno 911 (2-2)

#2 Stanky Monkeys (3-1) v. #11 Bo$$town Cutter (1-3)

#3 Team Bartholomew (3-1) v. #10 Dueling Pylons (2-2)

#4 Big Brother's Bitch (2-2) v. #12 Team Toliver (0-4)

#5 DA BEARDS (4-0) v. #9 Pork Chop Express (3-1)

#6 A Lot O' Tatz (2-2) v. #7 Tequila Party Gnomes (3-1)

#13 Tweeting in the Trenches (1-3) v. #14 The Smokin' Jays (0-4)

Best of luck to everyone in Week 5.

Back In Business

I've been told that blogs don't have the same thunder after a Pylons loss, and I must say that's more than likely a true statement. Week 2 was bad. It was bad for many fantasy owners, and the amount of injuries were crazy. But weeks like that are few and far between. Week 3 was better in virtually every single aspect. Here are some highlights.

.@89SteveSmith hey man remember your pants that went missing when you were at Carolina? Think I know who took them. pic.twitter.com/ndHlXYT4qc
— Ramzy Nasrallah (@ramzy) September 22, 2014

And the absolute best of them all:

Yes, that's Lions linebacker Stephen Tulloch trying to Discount Double Check. Instead channels his inner Bill Gramatica and blows out his knee celebrating. The slow-mo replay of his face is absolutely incredible. Just goes from joy to AHHHHHHHHH MY KNEE PIECE!!!!! It's floating around on YouTube, but it was very difficult to find a GIF of that angle.

While not quite beef of the week material, Peter King just needs to shut the fuck up about Jameis Winston. He wrote "I am still trying to figure out what would cause a person, in public or private, to scream the words that came out of Winston’s mouth on the Florida State campus the other day." Amazing. The guy has sexual assault allegations against him and stole crab legs from a supermarket, but those things aren't the tipping point. Jameis purporting a meme in public is the real red flag. He stood on a table and yelled "fuck her right in the pussy". It's hilarious. And especially the "in private" part. Get off your high horse, man.

Seriously, it's hilarious. Grow up.

Anyway, as is customary on the blog, the commissioner likes to congratulate the accomplishments of the rest of the league. The latest of those is Dosh Whye's completion of the Spartan Beast race. If you weren't convinced Dosh is the most intimidating physical presence in the league, he apparently can now throw a spear with tremendous accuracy. Congrats. I fear for the team that knocks you out of the playoffs.

This weekend was a bit of a wild one. I'm still laughing about it. Parx Racing and Casino was the site Saturday for the Pennsylvania Derby. The day started out like any normal day at the track, but it wasn't until we started to leave the casino area that things got better. Apparently Parx found some old Philadelphia Park memorabilia lying around and decided to sell it. The result was this:

Hilarity ensued. "WHICH WAY TO THE PADDOCK? HE'S LATE FOR THE RACE". Apparently if you're wearing jockey silks at a racetrack, you're allowed to do whatever you want. "JOCKEY COMING THROUGH".

I didn't think it was actually going to happen, but a nice elderly gentleman came up and asked directly if I was a jockey. We ran with it. Thank you alcohol. "You see this tear right on the back here? That's when he fell off the horse." "Yea, I broke my collarbone when I got tossed. Decided it wasn't worth it anymore". The guy gave me a few pats on the back and a parting "Well God bless you". I'm still laughing thinking about it. Now you may think it is funny that I could be so easily confused for a jockey, but I don't care. It was well worth it. And you better believe that full jockey attire is in the running for a costume the last place finisher wears at next year's draft.

Beef of the Week: Changing draft pick positions

Why do teams do this? We drafted Johnny Manziel in the first round! Let's try him at receiver! This has happened far too often. The Texans brought in Clowney and immediately tried to convert one of the best pass rushers in the draft into a linebacker. The Eagles are now doing the same with first round reach Marcus Smith. The Cardinals used Safety Deone Buchanan at LB. They make tackles switch sides all the time. I just don't get it. Why do teams value these high picks so much and then move guys from position to position? There are plenty of reasons the Browns suck, but drafting a QB and playing him at WR is certainly one that is avoidable. The Jaguars did the same thing with Matt Jones and that was a massive failure. I get trying to be ahead of the game, but this notion of spending a high draft pick on a player and changing his position is not the way to go.

Before we get into the power rankings, I just want to remind everyone that the EFFL Rulebook is sent out every year in the summer and can also be found at all times at the link at the top of the page. Players cannot be added to team rosters after 1 PM Eastern on Sunday. All other rules are in the rulebook and have been in place for many, many years. I will drop the iron jockey fist if there is an infraction. Apparently Uncle Domingo thinks it's OK to change the league's scoring system in the middle of the year. No word if Dosh has taken his frustration out yet.

I also am not without error. I fucked up the schedule and had Tatz-Mike Y on there twice and Gambino-Fusco on the schedule twice. That has since been corrected, and a few matchups had to be moved to different weeks. You will now play every team once. My apologies if this disrupted any plans.

Power Rankings

14. Bo$$town Cutter (0-3) (Last week: 14): Not much surprise here with Cutter still bringing up the rear. Cutty has put up a massive 248 points in 3 weeks. Dead last in the breakdown. Lone bright spot Emmanuel Sanders is on a bye next week. In serious danger of falling to 0-4. That's a massive hole to have to climb out of. Ray Rice in the 4th round was a killer. Might have to start selling off pieces to get a little more competitive. If not, just grab a bunch of rookies and hope it gets better. Eddie Lacy has a total of 16 points through 3 games. And he's played in all of them.

13. Tweeting in the Trenches (1-2) (Last week: 13): Ain't much better in here, kid. Surely it will get better, but a very uninspiring performance thus far. You and EEB were so happy that you were drafting all Broncos. That didn't quite work out. Now Pitta is out for the year too. Must be questioning life right now. Bench Gates and he scores 34 points. Put him back in the lineup and he scores 1. Facing TPG, having the Broncos and Zac Stacy on a bye next week, and Pitta being injured is a recipe for 0-4. I do not see a 3-Peat in your future.

12. The Smokin' Jays (0-3) (Last week: 11): The RBs were never really a question (or the QBs for that matter), but this team is about as barren as it gets at WR. The 5 WRs on the roster put up a combined 26 points. As I previously indicated, Rashad Jennings is a steal, but when your defense has a normal week, the team doesn't look all that great. Getting Jamaal Charles back is obviously going to be a huge boost, but he's been disappointing thus far. Losing Kyle Rudolph for 6 weeks is going to sting too. Sitting in an 0-3 hole, this team is on very shaky ground.

11. Team Toliver (0-3) (Last week: 9): The Danny Woodhead injury is going to hurt. That coupled with Vernon Davis' injury and things are starting to come a bit unraveled. I was always concerned about your lack of depth, and injuries tend to expose that. The good news is that Stevie appears to be alive. Kaepernick appears to have an eye for 3 receivers, and as long as Davis is out, one of them should be Stevie. But man do you need a running back desperately at this point. Still too early to be completely out of it.

10. Geno 911 (1-2) (Last week: 12): Didn't do anything to help the cause, but The Smokin Jays are proving to be a worse team. Somehow it seems like your team is almost immune to bye weeks. Doug Martin will be back to help you out (I think?), but Steve Smith looks like the real deal in Baltimore. Amazing old man Smith at age 35 is still so productive. Andre Johnson should be better, and Jimmy Graham is still a stud. I think at this point you're clearly above the bottom 3, but I don't think you're in the conversation with the top teams yet.

9. Pork Chop Express (2-1 ) (Last week: 11): Slowly but surely climbing the rankings ladder. Andrew Luck is the #1 QB, which is the prayer your team needed. Seriously. He had to put up 35 to give your team a shot to break 100. Rostering Donald Brown could prove to pay dividends, as San Diego has nobody else left. If you get something more out of the role players, you'll be in this thing. And as I previously indicated, I no longer think you're in danger of wearing a costume to the draft. Decker came in, caught the one pass you needed, and promptly got re-injured. Well done.

8. A Lot O' Tatz (2-1) (Last week: 7): This is your team. As indicated, Julius is not going to score 35 every week. Obviously you're not going to get -3 from a defense every week, but you're going to be solidly around the 100 point mark most weeks in my estimation. Not a ton of downside. Not a ton of upside. Still refusing to get a running back. Mike Wallace might be good if Tannehill could throw the ball to him, but he can't. I think you're squarely stuck in the middle right now.

7. DA BEARDS (3-0) (Last week: 8): I really don't know where you expect me to move you. You've scored 118, 112, and now 103. 7th highest score in week 1, 5th highest in week 2, 6th highest in week 3. This seems about right. Kelvin Benjamin is on pace for 85 catches, 1300 yards, and 11 TDs. That would arguably be the greatest rookie receiving season in NFL history. Don't bank on that pace continuing, but he should be solid all season. I think your team is good/OK, but who's going to put up the points to get you into the 130s and 140s? I don't know.

6. Dueling Pylons (2-1) (Last week: 6): Despite the solid win, there's really nowhere for the Pylons to go yet until showing some more consistency. Starting 2 rookies and 2 2nd year players is going to take some time to show up more consistently. The good news is that Reggie Bush and Michael Floyd appear to be back on track. If Montee Ball proves to be the player many expect him to be, this team could be dangerous. If not, the middle of the season could be long and too much to overcome. Weeks 1 and 3 certainly show this team's potential. Wouldn't count on anything from the #1 overall pick though.

5. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-1) (Last week: 1): Big drop for TPG. But don't feel bad. Things are very close at the top. I think I may have been a bit blinded by Delanie Walker's 30 point effort last week. Starting 2 Bills came back to haunt you it appears. At all costs, don't use Dwayne Bowe. It's almost better to just cut him so you're not tempted. Nothing you could have done to beat Mike Y this week. Thankfully you get a weak TITTY next week to get things back on track. Bench could use some work.

4. Stanky Monkeys (2-1) (Last week: 3): Yet another team that really didn't do anything wrong to deserve a drop. It's more about what other teams did. Even with so-so games from Jordy, VJax, and Witten put up a ton of points. And left Fred Jackson's 24 points on the bench. Certainly looking very strong right now and the schedule ahead doesn't look all that bad. After 3 straight seasons missing the playoffs, I think the Stanky Monkeys are finally back. Although I must admit, receiving angry texts from you complaining about your ranking is far more entertaining to me.

3. Big Brother's Bitch (2-1) (Last week: 5): When Brees, Julio and Garcon put up 89 points between the 3 of them, you're going to win just about every game. Amazing that Garcon went from 2 points last week to 30 this week. I still question whether you can rely on the role players, but you have a stronger bench than most. I think you should be able to mix and match depending on matchups, which is a luxury plenty of other teams don't have.

2. The King's Crusaders (1-2) (Last week: 4): Finally on the board. Even with McCoy only putting up 2 points, still dominated. I have you a little bit higher because I believe your team is trending in the right direction. I just don't understand why you have no QB. I think that's the thing holding you back from being the favorite. But you're in it. And you'll be in it all season. It's just a matter of will you take the next step. McCoy, Brown, Harvin, Bell and Maclin looks awfully good right now if McCoy starts tipping better.

1. Team Bartholomew (3-0) (Last week: 2): You and Dosh are the only undefeated teams remaining, and I think your team is the best in the league right now. I give you the edge over Woody because of your QB situation. Had an average or worse week across the board and still almost cracked 110. Even the bench is very solid. If there's anything to improve, it's a little more consistency from the bottom of your starters, but perhaps Jeremy Hill or Cecil Shorts end up being that guy. Kendall Wright is good, but Jake Locker is not.

Week 4 Matchups

It's hard to believe it's Week 4 already. Some teams are facing must win games this week if they want to have a shot at the playoffs. It's probably going to take 7-6 or 8-5 to get in, so if you pick up loss #4 this week, you're really up against it.

#1 Team Bartholomew (3-0) v. #10 Geno 911 (1-2)

#2 The King's Crusaders (1-2) v. #11 Team Toliver (0-3)

#3 Big Brother's Bitch (2-1) v. #7 DA BEARDS (3-0)

#4 Stanky Monkeys (2-1) v. #12 The Smokin' Jays (0-3)

#5 Tequila Party Gnomes (2-1) v. #13 Tweeting in the Trenches (1-2)

#6 Dueling Pylons (2-1) v. #14 Bo$$town Cutter (0-3)

#8 A Lot O'Tatz (2-1) v. #9 Pork Chop Express (2-1)

So we only have 2 remaining unbeatens, we still have 3 winless teams, we have 3 teams at 1-2 and we have 6 teams at 2-1. This is going to be a very interesting week. According to the power rankings, just about every single matchup is a team in the top half against a team in the bottom half. There could be some serious separation, or things could get a lot tighter.

Black Sunday

Raise your hand if you had Darren Sproles as the #1 RB after two weeks. I don't know why Yashar cut bait so quickly.

For some of us, Week 2 was an absolute disaster. Injuries ravaged the EFFL top to bottom as superstars bit it left and right. Jamaal Charles, AJ Green, RG3, DeSean Jackson, Knowshon Moreno, Mark Ingram, Vernon Davis, Eric Decker, Tavon Austin, Ryan Mathews were ALL injured on Sunday and left with their status up in the air. That is an unbelievable rate. There's nobody left! It's brutal. So many people were pissed off at fantasy football this weekend. It makes you question whether it's all worth it.

But these weeks happen. We'll move on and things will get better. This is the exception, not the rule. The good news is that the league has yet to see a Woody victory. A combined 0-4 is surely a reason for celebration. The Eagles came through on Monday night to salvage an otherwise awful week.

I must say at this point that one guy who has truly grown on me over the past week is Adam Schefter. Nobody has been more connected to and pissed off with the NFL at the same time. Clowns like Peter King are still slurping Goodell, but Schefter is truly fed up and speaking out about how terrible the NFL has been. The fact that he's on ESPN, which will show you mostly everything you have no interest in to get ratings, is even more impressive. There needs to be more people with influence like him not afraid to challenge the status quo. Goodell needs to go, and he could be the leading voice.


Beef of the Week: Trade offers

What the fuck? I fully believe that the league has formed a coalition to not trade with the Pylons, but I just don't understand the logic. In every trade, you have to give something to get something. EVERY TRADE. I've heard far too many times about "untouchable players". "Yea I like Gronk, but I don't wanna give up X, Y and Z." Why would I want to trade my good player for your scrubs? I just don't get it.

Maybe things will change with all of the injuries right now. But there is such a thing as trades helping both teams. I'm sick of this "I don't want to make a trade unless I know I'm getting the better end of the deal". You know who I'm talking about. No championships.


I really don't have anything to say about Peterson. I wore his jersey as recently as last Sunday. The only thing I guess to be questioned at this point is how many kids does this guy have?


Power Rankings:

Some good news! We have a new league member bringing up the rear of the rankings. Let's see how long this lasts.

14. Bo$$town Cutter (0-2) (Last week: 13): Can't really say that this was unexpected. Put up 67 points in week 1. Defense put up 28 points and the entire team still only had 88 heading into Monday night. Brady is a bad fantasy QB. The Fleener, Gore, Cooper trio starting every week isn't going to help. And it's possible that both Lacy and Alshon are not healthy. The bench is barren. At least Emmanuel Sanders is decent. Must hit the waiver wire immediately or make some trades to have any shot at the playoffs. It's only 2 weeks, but it's close to panic time.

13. Tweeting in the Trenches (1-1) (Last week: 12): Geno 911 took one look at your roster, and his team logo was the result. RG3 is injured. You're starting Aaron Dobson, Sproles and Zac Stacy. Left Gates with 34 on the bench, and you somehow still won. Way too much dead weight on this roster, but you do have some good players. Sproles could end up being the steal of the draft. Plus Welker should be back soon. Not as bad as Cutter, but it's pretty bad.

12. Geno 911 (1-1) (Last week: 11): As is frequently the case with this team, an ugly game and moves down in the rankings. Scored 86 points, including a 33 spot from Jimmy Graham, and it wasn't enough to bail you out. Sure Moreno and DeSean got hurt, but it's not like you have suitable replacements. Shonn Greene, Donnie Avery and Terrance Williams could all be in your lineup. That's just bad. Keep piling up the garbage though.

11. Pork Chop Express (1-1) (Last week: 14): Out of the basement! I had you higher, but the Mark Ingram injury hurts a lot. As we've thought all along, you did fine in the first couple rounds of the draft, but as the buzz set in, things went downhill. If Eric Decker is out for awhile, it could be tough sledding for a couple weeks, but your team has certainly proven to be not as bad as some others. I think ultimately you'll avoid the costume.

10. The Smokin' Jays (0-2) (Last week: 10): Why is your team logo a picture of Jay Cutler attached to Miley Cyrus' body on a wrecking ball? I really don't think your team is THAT bad, but Jamaal Charles' injury could end up hurting big time. The rest of your roster is OK, but it's definitely among the weaker in the league, hence the ranking. Rashad Jennings is going to end up being a steal, but like others, don't expect your defense to throw up 20+ each week.

9. Team Toliver (0-2) (Last week: 7): This is what happens when the 49ers don't play well. Put all your eggs in one basket, and it did not work this week. To make matters worse, Vernon may be injured. The good news is that for Pierre and Woodhead, both guys in front of them were injured, so things could be improving. But it's going to be tough. If Tron doesn't put up 30, it's gonna be tough each week. Kaepernick is not the same as having Peyton.

8. DA BEARDS (2-0) (Last week: 9): Bragging about starting McFadden and Asiata, it somehow worked. Now threatening to start 2 Jets RBs in the same week. I just can't figure out your draft strategy after Rodgers and Beast Mode. I really think your team is worse than a number of the teams below you, but superior managerial skills bump you up temporarily. You've played 2 cupcakes in the first two weeks. Let's see how things go when you play stiffer competition.

7. A Lot O' Tatz (2-0) (Last week: 8): I'm not suddenly going to think your team is good. You have absolutely no RB, which you seem to be OK with. Your receiving core of Wallace, Hilton, Roddy and Golden Taint doesn't scare anybody. But you should remain reasonably competitive with Peyton and Julius. Basically if Peyton gets shut down, you lose. Not a bad wager, but you should have some supporting cast.

6. Dueling Pylons (1-1) (Last week: 2): This week's biggest decline, the real Pylons team remains a virtual unknown. Put up over 150 in the first week and couldn't break 60 in the 2nd. This was the Pylons worst week since 2006. In fact, since 2006, the Pylons had not scored fewer than 79. It's just a loss and move on. But there is still talent here despite suspensions. Things certainly can't get worse, and has had to deal with some solid opposition. Currently in flux.

5. Big Brother's Bitch (1-1) (Last week: 6): Moves up as a result of the Pylons embarrassing week. Right around the top tier of teams. Not really doing anything wrong, but not proving yet to be elite. Pierre Garcon will be better, and it looks like you should avoid disastrous weeks. I really don't know what to expect, but should be in playoff contention all season.

4. The King's Crusaders (0-2) (Last week: 4): It must be difficult to be 0-2 and so high in the rankings, but the quality is there. Teams have just unloaded on you in the first two weeks. Left a ton of points on the bench, but I'm sure you'll get that sorted out. As I've said previously, probably the best Top 3 in the league, so you'll be in it every week. But it may be time to try and get some additional help (I know you've tried). The issue with your secondary players is consistency. That's it.

3. Stanky Monkeys (1-1) (Last week: 3): The fantasy gods rewarded you for your patience with an opponent who didn't break 60 points. If Matt Ryan and Seahawks defense again combine for just 8 points I'll be shocked. I'd keep rolling the same guys out there. It'll work. Brian Quick actually looks pretty good and could turn out to be a huge pickup.

2. Team Bartholomew (2-0) (Last week: 1): The first time Team Bartholomew has been knocked from the top perch, this really is due to the AJ Green injury. I still have full faith in your roster. Vereen and Wright will be better, you got nothing out of AJ and still broke 120. Could throw Jeremy Hill in fresh off the bench. You'll be good every week, but in the short term things may be a little more difficult. You'll be at or near the top all season.

1. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-0) (Last week: 5): Took offense to my comments and proved me dead wrong. You don't belong in the conversation with Gambino. What a find Delanie Walker was, but even without him still tore it up. Gio is looking like a threat to be a top 5 RB and Foster is going to get the ball until his body breaks down. Cut Dwayne Bowe and don't look back. The temptation isn't even worth it. You were drunk and rubbed your hand over the Sammy Watkins sticker at least 4 times to ensure it was stuck on the draft board. Use him. This is the team to beat in the EFFL right now.


Week 3 Matchups

#1 Tequila Party Gnomes (2-0) v. #5 Big Brother's Bitch (1-1)
#2 Team Bartholomew (2-0) v. #9 Team Toliver (0-2)
#3 Stanky Monkeys (1-1) v. #13 Tweeting in the Trenches (1-1)
#4 The King's Crusaders (0-2) v. #14 Bo$$town Cutter (0-2)
#6 Dueling Pylons (1-1) v. #10 The Smokin' Jays (0-2)
#7 A Lot O' Tatz (2-0) v. #8 DA BEARDS (2-0)
#11 Pork Chop Express (1-1) v. #12 Geno 911 (1-1)

Best of luck to everyone in Week 3. Hopefully we all make it through without injury.

Tony The Cowboy

The most impressive Tony on Sunday is pictured above.

The Week 1 Blog comes to you from 40,000 feet. After spending 6 days in Austin studying math, it’s time to return to the Northeast and real life. Thankfully I’m able to watch Switzerland vs. England soccer to help pass the time. Before getting into the blog, just wanted to congratulate Adam Tatz on the birth of his daughter Emelia, pictured here: 

Just a day old, Adam chose to already subject his daughter to Tony Romo. I know there’s no book on parenting, but surely if there were, watching the Cowboys would be the last thing in there. Second to last would be buying your child an Eli Manning jersey. How bad do you think Victor Cruz wants to go in Coughlin's office and say "Please start Nassib. Please." 

Sunday morning I had arguably the funniest fantasy football conversation of my life. I was inquiring about last minute trade options prior to the start of the season. I reached out to one Adam Cutter regarding the availability of Alshon Jeffery. Alshon is a premium player, so I did not want to insult him with an offer. I asked who he was interested in and he notified me that he wanted Peterson. Fine. He also notified me “I’m high. Make me an offer.” Even better. It’s like EEB on Thanksgiving Eve. I offered a package of Peterson and Offensive Rookie of the Year candidate Marqise Lee in exchange for Alshon Jeffery and Emmanuel Sanders as a conversation starter. He declines and decides to counter offer. Peterson and Gronk for Alshon, Dexter McCluster and Coby Fleener. Yikes. 

Me: “How high are you?” 

Cutter: “Apparently more than I thought.” 

What a gem. And his day got even worse as you’ll soon see. 

Here's just something random I found funny:

Texas is a weird place, man. Everything is slower down there. 40 MPH speed limit means don’t go faster than 28. Country music and cowboy boots rule the area. Any semblance of a beat immediately clears the dance floor. Signs for the “gun show” have absolutely nothing to do with lifting. It’s a real thing. There’s not a green to be found unless it’s green chile sauce. Texas has to lead the country in heart attack ratio. There’s no dress code anywhere. Grown men twerk on a bar floor as if that’s normal. Tucking your shirt into jeans is not only deemed acceptable, it’s encouraged. The only thing I can’t say I saw was jorts. They don’t fly anywhere. And for all of you Delaware folks, I was actually asked on this trip “Is Delaware a State?” 

And all of this was before Sunday football. I do have to say, the beer selection in Austin is pretty good which always helps. But finally Sunday arrived. One of the funniest things I’ve personally seen in a while is a guy wearing a Blake Bortles jersey at a bar. What’s the play here? Are you rooting for the Jaguars or not? If you’re rooting for the Jags and they win, they don’t bench Henne for Bortles. Or are you rooting for Bortles, which would be counterintuitive. Getting a jersey of the backup QB is never a good idea. You just look like a fool. 

Also, there are some serious, serious drinkers. Bars have these communal tables, so we were sharing with some other folks. Guy rolls up extremely hungover and orders Maker’s and tea. Who does that? After that it was interchanging mimosas with arguably the most disgusting drink I’ve ever seen. Surely most have heard of a bulldog. Great idea. Jam a Corona bottle upside down into a frozen margarita and let the two flavors slowly mix. The thickness of the margarita prevents the beer from just flooding the drink. It works. Apparently down in Texas, they do something a little different. Mix peach schnapps with Everclear and then jam a can of Red Bull upside-down into a pint glass. This just makes absolutely no sense to me. I understand the premise of a Red Bull vodka that’s trying to literally kill someone. Fine. It’s disgusting, but I get it. What I don’t get is why there’s a dirty gross aluminum can of Red Bull floating in your drink? There’s no thick margarita to prevent the liquids from mixing. The Red Bull just goes out of the can into the drink. Why are you leaving a truly empty can in your drink? Why does nobody question this setup? Alarming. 

Beef of the Week: In case you forgot, this is back for yet another year. It may seem a little early to be beefin, but I can’t narrow my choices down to just 1. 

First, the NFL Preseason is an absolute joke. I understand wanting to test things like the moved Extra Point to see if it has a big effect on games. Half the times teams go for 2 at the end of a game just to avoid having to play more football. It’s impossible to tell, but whatever. The thing that really grinds my gears is what they were doing with penalties. If you are going to emphasize Defensive Holding and Illegal Hands to the Face, do it how you actually will in the regular season. They took a product that very few care about and made it even more unwatchable. Games were fine yesterday, so why do you need to charge season ticket holders full price to watch a garbage product? Don’t make fans the guinea pigs. There are probably a couple guys who got cut too for too many penalties. And then it’s not the same in the regular season? It could’ve cost some their job. 

Secondly, why can’t the ESPN get their fucking app working? There are countless people whose jobs are to make sure that thing is functioning.  And you’ve had a year to work on it. The app doesn’t count kicker and defense points correctly. And then during the Sunday night game the whole operation goes down? The response? “Routine Maintenance”. Really? Really? It’s routine to have your shit not working when it’s getting the most use? Maybe they should take some people covering Johnny Manziel and Michael Sam and have them do some real work. Infuriating.

Third, the commissioner must go. What does he think happened in the elevator? Does he think there was a Solange/Jay-Z incident first and that somehow she got knocked out. She took one step and got a left hook to the face, resulting in broken bones. And how is Ray Rice not in jail? If any regular person does that, you're getting prosecuted and permanently banned by your employer. They saw the video. They thought it was worth two games. Apparently Cutty committed more harm by blazing on his patio than Ray Rice did in his eyes. Nobody with that incompetent level of decision making should be in a leadership role. I'm just ranting, but hopefully you all take to Twitter to hate on the NFL using #FireGoodell.

And lastly, before we get to the rankings, here are two of the funniest plays I’ve seen in a long time. If you asked me to name all of the types of kicks we’d see in Week 1 I’d have guessed field goal, punt, extra point. Would’ve never thought to put bicycle or karate on the list. Thank you MJD and Antonio Brown. And MJD needs to retire. He’s completely done. 

http://www.nfl.com/videos/nfl-cant-miss-plays/0ap3000000390469/Wk-1-Can-t-Miss-Play-Coples-clothesline

http://deadspin.com/antonio-brown-introduces-the-front-heel-kick-to-the-nfl-1631667427

Without further ado, the Week 1 Power Rankings: 

14. Pork Chop Express (0-1) (Last week: 14): Could crack 100 points depending on the performance of Joique Bell and Keenan Allen. Exactly one player on the bench scored points. Having Bishop Sankey as your #1 RB is going to prove to be very difficult. Luck had a nice game Sunday night, but playing from behind he threw a ton of passes. Didn’t see anything to inspire confidence that this will be a competitive team. 

13. Bo$$town Cutter (0-1) (Last week: 9): Scored a total of 67 points in Week 1. That’s hilarious. I think you have some good pieces, but the lack of depth means that it’s gonna be tough if guys bust. I look forward to discussing trade with you again. I’m sorry that your rough day across fantasy football and softball led to further abuse. I don’t think your team is this bad, but it’s not good. 

12. Tweeting in the Trenches (0-1) (Last week: 8): What happened? In the inaugural blog I wrote “has the potential to be one of the worst in the league.” I didn’t think that statement would ring true so soon. Started 2 Rams. That’s just unheard of. Zac Stacy could end up being a major draft bust, which will be a huge problem for this team. I almost had to drop you lower in the rankings, and don’t be surprised to see it soon.

  

11. Geno 911 (1-0) (Last week: 10): I just don’t understand how you can draft teams consistently that I dislike so much. At one point in the 3rd quarter of the late games, your starting QB-RB combo of Romo and Doug Martin had combined for -1 points. And somehow you still won! Pure luck. Pure luck. I wrote “middle of the road”, and nothing has convinced me otherwise. Scoring 115 points most weeks, which I expect to happen, doesn’t get it done. 

10. The Smokin’ Jays (0-1) (Last week: 6): This team should prove pretty quickly that it’s nothing special. I don’t know if you do, but it seems impossible to me for anyone to like Jay Cutler. Guy has a terrible attitude with everyone, and as usual he’s not at fault for anything. He hasn’t won shit. I wouldn’t be surprised to see him get benched. I’m a little unsure about the rest of this team. I think it’s going to be tough to get into the playoffs. 

9. DA BEARDS (1-0) (Last week: 13): I know you’re thinking I’m insane. But you can’t count on a defense to drop 28 points every week. I do think, however, that I’ve grown a little more on your team. It’s not as bad as I originally thought. Plus Rodgers didn’t even have a great game, so he should be better going forward. Keep picking up those wins and you’ll move up. Trent Richardson is just so bad. He already was outscored by Ahmad Bradshaw and that should be a regular occurrence. Wasted 3rd round pick. 

8. A Lot O’ Tatz (1-0) (Last week: 11): When your QB, TE, Kicker and Defense combine for 91 points, you’re going to win like 99% of games. Unfortunately, you just can’t count on anything near that much. Julius Thomas could certainly pay big dividends, and with Manning it’s impossible to be counted out. I think I was a bit harsh at the onset, but like Dosh, I need to see more on a week-to-week basis. Same deal. Keep winning and you’ll move up. 

7. Team Toliver (0-1) (Last week: 12): Came up on the short end of an old fashioned slugfest with the Pylons. Scoring 140 and losing is unfortunate, and surely just makes last season's playoff elimination sting a little more. But the same thing happens every year. Mocked at the draft for taking players early and puts up more points than the haters. You want Kaepernick and VD, go ahead they say. Meanwhile they’re outscoring plenty of other QB-TE combos. And you have the best receiver in the league. I was skeptical that you’d be a contender, but you have good players. Better than a lot of other teams. Stay active on the waiver wire and you’ll certainly be in the thick of it. 

6. Big Brother’s Bitch (1-0) (Last week: 7): Above average feels about right. The spreadsheets said wait on RBs and take Gerhart and Ellington. Well they’re both already injured. But Zach Ertz was a good pick. Guy’s gonna have a nice year. If you can shore up the RB position, I think that you should be in contention for the playoffs. Despite saying it in the initial blog, I don’t think you end up in the costume barring even further injuries. 

5. Tequila Party Gnomes: (1-0) (Last week: 2): I was probably a little too generous with TPG in the initial rankings, but the Top 5 remains the same as the initial. I think this team is clearly ahead of the teams below. I still can’t believe you were able to snag all 3 of those RBs and BMarsh. I think the 2nd half of your draft is why you’ve fallen. Like I indicated with Geno 911, 117 isn’t going to get it done on a regular basis. But I think you should be better. Same advice as Toliver. Stay active on the waiver wire and you’ll be fine. 

4. The King’s Crusaders (0-1) (Last week: 4): Got clowned by EEB and still 4 spots ahead of him. He can’t agree with that assessment. I don’t know why you thought starting Geno Smith was a good idea. But I’ll just keep laughing as you insist to me you don’t need a starting QB but are throwing out offers for them left and right. The Bell-Brown Steelers combo could turn out to be really good, but they won’t be playing the Browns every week. You’re still high on the list because you have McCoy. Arguably the best first 3 rounds of any team. 

3. Stanky Monkeys (0-1) (Last week: 5): What a cruel game fantasy football is. Had preseason #1 Team Bartholomew on the ropes and couldn’t deliver the knockout blow. I’d venture up 34 points with VJax and Witten against DeMarco Murray, Greg Olsen and a Kicker, you win that game at least 9 times out of 10. But it was not to be. This was the most exciting game of the week, and it truly came down to the final play. Unfortunately get the Pylons in Week 2. The schedule will get easier I promise. Don’t panic. You have a good team. 

2. Dueling Pylons (1-0) (Last week: 3): The area of concern for the Pylons heading into the season was at WR. After 1 week, it looks like Floyd, Cooks and Cordarrelle could end up being major draft steals. Even with mediocre Peterson and Gronk weeks, still put up a bunch of points. Solid bench as well. Nothing at this point indicates that this team will be out of contention after dropping 150+ in Week 1. Looking quite strong. 

1. Team Bartholomew (1-0) (Last week: 1): As with the Pylons, there is nothing here to indicate that the preseason #1 ranking was unjustified. 133 is a very solid total, and it was all done without the starting QB. I was very complimentary of the Greg Olsen pick, and his huge game saved you in Week 1. This team is going to be tough to beat every week. Kendall Wright looked good, Shane Vereen came through, and DeMarco looked greet. Definite contender. 

Week 2 Matchups (there are some good ones): 

#1 Team Bartholomew (1-0) v. #6 Big Brother’s Bitch (1-0) 

#2 Dueling Pylons (1-0) v. #3 Stanky Monkeys (0-1) 

#4 The King’s Crusaders (0-1) v. #5 Tequila Party Gnomes (1-0) 

#7 Team Toliver (0-1) v. #8 A Lot O’ Tatz (1-0) 

#9 DA BEARDS (1-0) v. #13 Bo$$town Cutter (0-1) 

#10 The Smokin Jays (0-1) v. #14 Pork Chop Express (0-1) 

#11 Geno 911 (1-0) v. #12 Tweeting in the Trenches (0-1) 

Well that’s it. Week 1 is in the books. Hopefully next Sunday I’ll be showered with even more texts and hilarious stories. Looks like virtually everyone was able to avoid serious injury for one week. Hopefully that stays true. Hope you enjoyed reading.