Monday, November 26, 2018

Playoff Bloggy




Hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving. I was plastered. Just yelling furiously at Amari Pooper reaming me over and over. It wouldn't stop. I'll be honest... I don't remember much of the Drew Brees assault on the Falcons, but 4 TDs to 4 undrafted free agents in a blowout is hilarious.

But I'm tired of Dallas. I hate Dallas. Way more than the Giants. Eli is just annoying. Zeke is legitimately unlikable because of his crop tops and alma mater. Now Amari Cooper is mocking Markelle Fultz' free throw form? Dude has played 2 games in Dallas. 2!! Dallas v Philadelphia isn't even a rivalry in any other sport. You'll get yours, Pooper.

Here's some awesome plays from Sunday.



It's mostly just me on Browns. I love the Browns. I love when a team brings back their 1-31 coach, wastes an entire offseason, then fires him just 6 games into the season. Don't you, buddy boy? I've also been informed I've been "all over Baker's nuts in the blog". That's fine. I have no problem with that. He's fun to watch. And the Browns have no coach!

Hue Jackson was on the other sideline! His ass got canned for being terrible, another team picked him up, and THEY got their ass kicked. His former players were mocking him all day. It was so Bengals.

The Bills were also home, so thankfully we need to check in on #BillsMafia



It was actually a pretty exciting game inside. Leonardo got into a fight over some over-cooked pasta ordered alla dente. Meatballs were thrown. Shaq Lawson ended up with a face full of spaghetti and gravy. He received a suspension.

And boy was it fun for Jalen Ramsey to eat his words. Who could've predicted he'd get clowned by Josh Allen?

Well... the commish. Wednesday night in an alcohol-induced lucid dream (more like a nightmare), TPG made a bold, yet well-advised decision on his QB for the upcoming week against the Pylons. He was benching Drew Brees in favor of Josh Allen. Josh Allen proceeded to drop 48 points on the Pylons in a victory. Well, turns out Josh Allen only had 27 fantasy points, but was the 4th best QB in the league this week. Only 3 off the #1 QB and former Gnome Kirk Cousins.

You've got to wonder what would've happened had TPG decided to re-up his championship QB. Would he have avoided Le'Veon? We'll never know.


And of course, some TD celebrations



The Limbo is definitely my favorite I've seen this season. Absolutely hilarious. Line dances are back!


Beef of the Week: I'm taking the week off

No beef this week. Eagles won. Hue Jackson revenge. Pylons clinch playoffs. Bills win. Won money on drunken Thanksgiving horse racing and Tiger v Phil.

We'll be back next week!


EFFL Playoffs

Going to invert the standings and go top down this week. Here's where things stand.

x - 1. Long and Thunderous (10-2) - The formula is simple. Defeat Phil, and the bye is yours. Lose to him and you'll be the #2 seed. Because you are virtually identical in points, there's the extra $100 for high season point total at stake in this game. Don't think I've ever seen a regular season game with more money on the line.

x - 2. Pork Chop Express (9-3) - The bad news: there's no longer a path to the bye. If you end up in a 3-team tiebreak at 10-3, you're too far behind in points. The good news: you're either the #2 or #3 seed. Can't be anything else.
  • Dosh win = #2
  • Phil win = #3
Your game has no bearing on your seeding whatsoever.

x - 3. Surefire Intelligence (9-3) - As indicated above, it's winner-take-all with Dosh. If you defeat him, you will win the bye either via 2-team head-to-head, or 3 team most points. Can't go wrong. Win and you'll be the #1. Lose, and it'll depend on what happens with the Pylons. Loss and Pylons loss means you're #3. Loss and Pylons win means you're #4. You cannot be the #2 seed.

x - 4. Dueling Pylons (8-4) - Can't climb higher than #3, and can't be worse than #5. Will play either EEB or Cutter in Round 1.
  • Win and Phil loss = #3
  • Win and Phil win = #4
  • Loss and Cutter loss = #4
  • Loss, EEB win and Cutter win = #4
  • Loss, EEB loss and Cutter win = #5

 x - 5. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (7-5) - Gotta feel good to clinch and put Woody on the brink. It's got to. Not much doing here. You'll be either the #5 or #6 seed. You'll play one of Lobitz/Phil/myself in Round 1, but it's setting up for Pylons. I know you haven't forgotten me yelling JUJU in your face at Best Dam. Scenarios are straightforward.
  • Win = #5
  • Loss and Cutter loss = #5
  • Loss and Cutter win = #6

 x - 6. Bo$$town Cutter (7-5) - What a win over Fusco to clinch a playoff berth. Chewed your nails down to the nub! But you're in. Similar to EEB, but you can climb to #4. You will also play one of Lobitz/Phil/myself in Round 1. Your scenarios are a bit more complicated, as you can climb to #4.
  • Loss = #6
  • Win and EEB win = #6
  • Win, EEB loss, and Pylons win = #5
  • Win, EEB loss, and Pylons loss = #4

The Final 3

The 7th and final seed is up for grabs. 3 teams are in play. The bad news (really bad news) for Woody is that BG and Gambino play each other, virtually eliminating you. Here's how it'll go down:

7. Team BG (6-6)
9. Geno 911 (5-7)

Because you play each other, the loser will be eliminated from the playoffs. If BG wins, he will grab the #7 seed. If Gambino wins, we have two scenarios:

1. Woody loses, meaning Gambino wins the 2 team head-to-head tiebreaker
2. Woody wins, creating a 3 team tiebreaker

If there is a 3 team tiebreaker, it'll go to points scored. Woody had a horrible Week 12, and Gambino has grabbed a 54 point lead. Regardless, if Gambino beats BG, BG can at best be 2nd among the 3 teams in points scored, therefore being eliminated.

8. The King's Crusaders (5-7)

The path, while difficult, is known. These 3 things MUST happen to get the #7 seed:
  • Defeat the Pylons
  • Geno 911 win over BG
  • Outscore Geno 911 by more than 54 points in Week 13
It's not impossible. It's improbable, but it's not impossible.

The #7 seed will play either Dosh or Ben in Round 1.


Eliminated
Stanky Monkeys. Mike Y. Fusco. TPG. Tatz. We are sad to see you go. 5 of the 6 past champions are in this group. Looking forward to you rooting on your favorite EFFL franchise in the playoffs.


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Wednesday, November 21, 2018

Heating Up In Week 11

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Tuesday, November 13, 2018

3 Weeks To Go


At this point, you might be asking yourself, "Why am I holding this 30-pound cinder block in my hands?" You might also ask yourself, "Why does this cinder block have a long piece of string tied to it?" And finally, "Why is the other end of this string tied securely to your penis?"

For real, some questions you may be asking yourself:

1. What in the world is that pitch?!?!
That is where the Rams and Chiefs were supposed to contest one of the best games of the season next Monday night. That will no longer happen, for obvious reasons.

2. When did Cruz Azul start playing in the Azteca?
Actually this year! Their stadium was demolished, so they moved here, to this un-demolished stadium.

3. When will the NFL give up on Mexico?
Not soon enough


Week 10 was a wild one. It started Thursday night, in Atlantic City for the EFFL League meeting. Patron shots were had, grain alcohol was had, BYOB was had, and much money was lit on fire / distributed slowly. I don't remember much of the Steelers/Panthers game, but I do remember yelling in EEB's face following a Juju 75 yard TD bomb.

Here's something for you EEB:




The Bills need a home game for cryin out loud. This happened on the road!!


Something else for EEB that I expect to see at the next draft:


What else happened this weekend?
  • Sean Payton may have committed a felony by smashing a public fire alarm
  • The Browns couldddddd be decent
  • The Raiders have scored 10 points or less in 4 of their last 5 games
Just like the EFFL, the men have started to separate themselves from the boys.

Beef of the Week: The Money Team

Floyd Mayweather Jr. received not one, but 2 TD game balls... first from Tyler Lockett and then from Brandin Cooks. This guy has a gajillion dollars and smacks the crap out of women, but don't let that stop you from giving a ball to him instead of a fan in a wheelchair. 


Look at this crap. The dude is wearing a fucking Gucci wallet and chaps, pulls in two game balls. THIS MAN DOES NOT NEED GAME BALLS! He needs to be prevented from being so close to women and children. I used to love Floyd. I'll probably be back. $400 on McGregor is not happening again.


EFFL Playoffs

Onto the good stuff. With just 3 weeks left, here's all we know: Dosh is in, and Fusco is out. 8 is the magic number at this point. 8 wins will lock you into a playoff spot. 8 losses will knock you out of the playoffs. You must finish at least 6-7 to get in, and that could very well move.

x - 14. Tweeting in the Trenches (2-8) - Had a good week! Just wasn't your year this year. This team has spiraled, getting worse each year since the 3-Peat. 2nd season in a row missing the playoffs. Has become the joke of the league.

13. The Old Ball Sack (3-7) - On the brink of elimination. It'll be an honor to drive the nail into the coffin. It does seem strange to see Mike Y this low, but based on history, alternates playoff years. Next year should be back.

12. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-7) - Was able to stave off elimination again, taking down BG by 2. TPG now on a W2, and finally the weight off Le'Veon has been lifted. This team is now balling free. Or free balling. Whichever you prefer. Critical matchup with EEB to keep this thing rollin.

11. Team Bartholomew (3-7) - Snakebitten all year. Got pounded by the Stanky Monkeys, and really just can't catch a break this year. BG, Lobitz, and EEB is not the easiest finish. Must win them all.

10. Stanky Monkeys (4-6) - Finally on a nice little run. Gone over 150 in 2 of the past 3 weeks and still in decent shape. Finish with TPG, and he loves playing spoiler. I think your team has a decent shot, but you have a huge game with Gambino next week. The loser of that may be out.

9. Geno 911 (4-6) - Pretty much the same as Lou. In the mix, only a game back. Other than the week your entire team was on a bye, this team has been solid all season. 6th in points and certainly can hang with the big boys. If you win 3, you should get in.

8. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (5-5) - Of course Leonardo was finally back and let me have it. Would miss out if the playoffs started today by virtue of points. But still a matchup with Woody remaining, so you control your own destiny. That's a huge matchup next week. You are 2nd to last in points scored, so your luck has been in.

7. The King's Crusaders (5-5) - I don't know. Can't seem to turn the corner. Having TITTY drop 177 on you can't feel good. The remaining schedule is tough. Dosh, EEB, Pylons. Point total is pretty good, so if you do end up in a 3-way tie, you're likely OK. Work to be done.

6. Team BG (6-4) - Feel like this happens every year. Starts off on fire, and then can't catch a break down the stretch. TPG just edged you. It was exactly like the Big 6. This money yours? Nope. This yours? Nope. Who bet on the $1?!?!? That was Amari Cooper sneaking in to get your money. Surprisingly the only team in the league to make the playoffs each of the last two seasons.

5. Bo$$town Cutter (6-4) - Still doing OK! Knocking off Mike Y is always fun, and one more win may do it. That Austin Hooper / Eric Ebron combo is taking the league by storm. 

4. Surefire Intelligence (7-3) - It is a bit weird to see this team in 4th, but both teams tied with you now own the head-to-head tiebreaker. This team looked invincible at the start of the season, but it's been a full month since this team scored more than 125 points. Fully expected to turn it around, but could be losing ground for the bye.

3. Dueling Pylons (7-3) - Call it 5 straight for the Pylons. Wasn't pretty, but it's awful encouraging to score 118 when the 2 Pats RBs combine for 10 points. Owns tiebreakers over Phil and Dosh, so the bye is not out of reach by any means.

2. Pork Chop Express (7-3) - By owning head-to-head tiebreaker over Phil and myself, wind up in 2nd place. Lost to Dosh, and well behind in points, so it may be a bit tough to get the bye. Still looking good to make the playoffs. Make sure to mind that Full Chubb.

1. Long and Thunderous (8-2) - What is Long and Thunderous? Dare I ask? Does a championship caliber team let their 5 game win streak get snapped by Gambino? I don't think so. Still in the pole position for the bye, but there are a couple teams behind you that could wind up passing you if you slip up again. That $150 high point total is within reach.


I'm anticipating some more movement in Week 11. Teams may be eliminated. Teams may punch their ticket to the EFFL dance. It's going to be intense. Can't wait!
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Wednesday, November 7, 2018

He's Heating Up!!



Rex Ryan has a case of the runs




It was a pretty intense Week 9. Confirmed: Vance Joseph is a dumb fuck:




The NFL finally got the scheduling right. They clearly segmented the games - 

Games People Do Not Want to Watch
49ers v Raiders
Bears v Bills
Jets v Dolphins
Texans v Broncos
Titans v Cowboys
Bucs v Panthers
Falcons v Redskins

Games People Want to Watch
Chiefs v Browns
Lions v Vikings
Steelers v Ravens
Chargers v Seahawks
Rams v Saints
Packers v Patriots

Colts, Bengals, Giants, Cardinals, Jaguars on the bye. Wish it could be like that every week. You can totally ignore half of the games.


Do Mitch's pregame outfits have Cam beat? His arrival to the stadiums keep getting better and better.

The Annual League Meeting will take place Thursday, November 8th in Atlantic City, where the executive committee will determine how to deal with this past week's violation.

At the insistence of a league member, TPG "put a baby in Mike Y". The following text conversation was scraped from the internet as Drew Brees unloaded on the Rams:

Member A: I'm about to nut in Mike Y
Member B: Put a baby in him, son.
Member A: Write the check before the baby comes, who the fuck cares
Member A: Have a baby by me, baby be a millionaire

Other comments from league members this past Sunday:

Member C: Dosh at 8-1. Fuck him, man
Member C: I'm never going to a draft again
Member C: He's gonna have it in Guatemala City by himself anyway.

The league is out of control. Everyone. I mean, EVERYONE is absolutely FURIOUS that Dosh is in first place. It's like the Playa Haters Ball in here. The only thing I wish is that someone had the rant he went on when he saw that Julio and Joe Mixon were his first two draft picks.

I think it's going to come down to the wire this year.


I need EFFL members performing this celebration at the draft.


Beef of the Week: Troy Aikman / Cowboys commentators


Look at this. Imagine being such an uptight dipshit, that you're complaining when this happens. DOESN'T RESPECT THE GAME. GET OFF MY LAWN. He doesn't understand when people have different opinions than his own. We have to protect freedom from the invaders, but we can't just have people pulling cell phones out of goalposts and exercising freedoms! Hypocrite.

Troy went off on Michael Thomas after he teabagged the undefeated Rams for a 70 yard TD to go over 200 yards for the day and set a Saints franchise record for receiving yards in a game. He threw it back to Joe Horn, who pulled the flip phone out from the goal post. Not only that, he even went to the oxygen mask on the sideline, not because he needed it, but because Joe Horn did it too. Joe Horn is the man.

Asked where he got the flip phone, Michael Thomas responded: Liquor Store. I'm a fan for life. @cantguardmike

But it's not just exclusive to Aikman. Why are so many former Cowboys now commentators? Aikman, Romo, Witten. Why are these guys in the booth? Witten is BRUTAL. He can't form sentences. He can't be neutral. He's referring to a team as "We". He was upset because a Titans player celebrated on the star and he hasn't been in the league for at least 5 years (direct quote). Just stop. I have no idea how he got the ESPN job, but it's a problem.


Power Rankings

This is going to be the last power rankings of the season. Will shift into playoff mode starting next week. Trade deadline is the day before Thanksgiving.

14. Tweeting in the Trenches (1-8) - Just didn't happen this year. Perhaps you'll get your football Sundays back soon. It was your choice to keep fathering children.

13. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-7) - Crazy that this team could have been so good. Always seems to struggle to find the complementary pieces. Not officially done yet, but getting close. Glad you got to pound Mike Y.

12. Stanky Monkeys (3-6) - Still near the bottom in points. Keeps taking L's. Huge matchup with Tatz this week. Loser is likely out.

11. Geno 911 (3-6) - I know your entire team was on a bye, but 57 points is unacceptable. Still around the middle in points, but playoff hopes fading quickly.

10. ITSA ME (5-4) - Third fewest points. 5-4. I don't get it. I'm sure you'll come back and beat me this week with Leonardo. Your team is clearly inferior to the likes of Tatz and Gambino, but luck has been on your side.

9. Bo$$town Cutter (5-4) - I totally forgot about this team. I'll be honest. I don't know what's happening here. I think this team could fade down the stretch.

8. The Old Ball Sack (3-6) - Not used to seeing Mike Y down this low. In some serious trouble at 3-6. If you can't knock off Cutter, it's looking like 6-7 won't be enough this year. May need to win out to get in.

7. Pork Chop Express (6-3) - Yet another team where the curtain doesn't match the drapes. Hopkins is the man. Rest of the team is just fair. Pulling out a 25 from the Dolphins defense and your opponent scoring 57 points always helps.

6. Team Bartholomew (3-6) - I still think your team is pretty solid. Wins just haven't been there. Evans, Tarik, and Kerryon combined for less than 10 points. #FeelsBadMan. Basically an elimination game with Sweet Lou.

5. The King's Crusaders (5-4) - Classic. Hanging in there. Biding his time. In 4 of 5 wins, the opponent has scored 104, 86, 106, 86. Kareem Hunt has been super hot, but who else gets it done? No way you can rely on Josh Gordon.

4. Team BG (6-3) - Had EEB on the ropes and couldn't finish him off. That's unfortunate. Had a lot of beef with Tevin Coleman and Mark Ingram couldn't clap back. Get to welcome TPG in Week 10.

3. Dueling Pylons (6-3) - Pylons are hot. On a W4. Winners of 5 of 6. Up to 2nd in points. Absolutely zero depth, but the Pylons seem to have found a winning combination. Also has beaten teams #1 and #2 (who only have 3 losses combined). Everything still in play.

2. Surefire Intelligence (7-2) - I miss Tiny Hands. Fallen to 3rd in points. Has only cracked 125 once in the past 5 weeks. I'm not overly concerned, but this team has definitely slowed down over the last couple weeks. Still think #2 is right.

1. Long and Thunderous (8-1) - Nobody is hotter right now. Went over 150 for the 3rd time in 4 weeks with some main players on the bye. The showdown in Week 13 with Phil looms. A lot could be on the line in that matchup.


As I indicated, we'll convert to the playoff view next week with just 3 weeks remaining. Huge games this week. I really don't think a 6-7 team gets in this year. I also think a 7-6 team is going to miss out,, but we'll see. Going to come down to the last week, as always. Enjoy Week 10!
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