Tuesday, November 29, 2016

The Mythical Unicorn



I've never seen anything like it. The EFFL playoff race is absolute madness. Before we get to blogging, I just want to remind everyone of the tiebreakers, which are in the EFFL Rulebook

Standings Tiebreakers
i.) Two teams

  1. Head-to-Head
  2. Most Points Scored
  3. Coin Flip

ii.) More than two teams

  1. If one team has head-to- head advantage over all other teams, rank team first.
  2. Most points scored
  3. If #1 or #2 produce a winner, revert to beginning of standings tiebreakers to determine order of remaining teams.
  4. If #2 produces 2 teams, head-to-head tiebreak among those two teams. If those teams also tied, coin flip. Revert to beginning of standings tiebreakers to determine order of remaining teams.
  5. If more than two teams are still tied after #2, there will be a rocks-paper-scissors tournament to determine the highest ranked team.
Now, while it seems unlikely that there would be 3 teams with the same record and the same number of points scored, I'm not putting anything out of reach this season. Anything can happen. Any coin flip or physical tiebreaker scenario will be conducted next Tuesday evening, December 6th.

More about the EFFL playoffs in a bit.




The haters were out in full force on Sunday. Sean Payton was taking digs at his former defensive coordinator who's a fucking madman by tweeting out Lion King songs. 

In a classic Giants move, Janoris Jenkins talked shit to Terrelle Pryor, who has been playing WR for a total of two years to tell him "He sucks. He caught balls in zone coverage. He a shit eater to me" and "You a shit eater to me, you really sucks". Pryor put up a huge game and this guy is talking shit on the 0-12 Browns. OK, chief.

In lighter news, the Bills were home again, and that means #BILLSMAFIA. Also, the Bills have home games each of the 3 weeks of the playoffs. That's a fantastic development. One of the best custom jerseys I've seen:


Yes, it does.




Where's the ice pack?!!?!?!?!?



Beef of the Week: Graphic NFL Images

You know what I do not want to see? A virtual image of how an ACL comes away from the bone and has to get repaired. It's fucking disgusting. There are plenty of reasons I didn't become a surgeon, and the main one is because repairing people's insides is gross. I don't like it. The NFL needs to stop this.

Then, Derek Carr practically ripped his finger off in his lineman's butt crack, and they zoomed in on his mangled finger over and over again. In case you didn't see it the first 8 times, they zoomed in to show you how fucked up his finger was. They need to chill. It's too much.


EFFL Playoffs

We've only got a total of TWO teams that have clinched a playoff spot at this point. If ESPN cannot calculate the standings correctly, I will.

* #1. Dueling Pylons (9-3) - Stanky Monkeys slipped up against King. A win or a Stanky Monkeys loss locks up a first round bye. Will be the #2 seed otherwise.

* #2. Stanky Monkeys (8-4) - Could be in trouble without AJ and Alshon. Still have an outside shot at the bye, but it's looking more like 3 weeks of playoffs.

#3 Tweeting in the Trenches (6-4-2) - Held off a furious rally from Davante Adams to wind up alone at #3. Win and in. Could pass Lou with a win and a loss from him. Still could miss out with a poor performance.

#4 A Lot O'Tatz (6-5-1) - I thought EEB was cooked but he's back! And not only that, he's the second high in points. Like Fusco, win and in. Even with a loss, you still could sneak in but take care of business.

Now, let's break this ridiculous 7 team tie. I don't care how ESPN decides to rank you. We break ties according to the EFFL rule book.

#5 ROLL THE DICE (6-6) - 1438 points. Nobody owns tiebreak over 6 other tied teams. You have the most points so you're in. 6-7 may or may not be enough. Win and you'll be in.

#6 Team BG (6-6) - 1402 points. Still no head-to-head winner. You're next up in points. Tough game against Fusco. Again, like Dosh, I think if you win, you're in.

#7 The Old Ball Sack (6-6) - 1355 points. Would edge Ben out for the final spot with 5 more points scored on the season. I know TPG will be gunning for you to knock you out.

#8 Pork Chop Express (6-6) - 1350 points. Point total is decent and really could've used that win over Dosh. If you lose, you really need a strong point total. If you win, you'll probably be OK.

#9 Harambe Was Set Up (6-6) - 1316 points. Probably in the need to win category. Point total isn't great enough to survive a loss with the number of other 6-6 teams. One advantage you have is that you play Dosh, so you're guaranteed to pass him with a win.

#10 Bo$$town Cutter (6-6) - 1272 points. Way down on the points totem pole, but I think if you win you have a decent shot of getting in. Will definitely need some help, but problem is you've lost to Lobitz, Mike Y, and Phil. You have fewer points than them also, so you need a number of them to lose to get in. Could really benefit from King win over EEB as well.

#11 The King's Crusaders (6-6) - 1230 points. Did enough to stay in it. Way behind in points, but unlike Cutter you've beaten Mike Y and Phil. Need some results to fall your way, but you've got a shot. Will pass EEB w a win as well.


I'll try to live blog or have a google chat to give up to date playoff results on Sunday. Here are the matchups.

#1 DP (9-3) v #13 Geno 911 (4-8)
#2 Stanky Monkeys (8-4) v #10 Bo$$town Cutter (6-6)
#3 TITTY (6-4-2) v #6 BG (6-6)
#4 A Lot O'Tatz (6-5-1) v #11 The King's Crusaders (6-6)
#5 ROLL THE DICE (6-6) v #9 Harambe Was Set Up (6-6)
#7 The Old Ball Sack (6-6) v #14 TPG (3-8-1)
#8 Pork Chop Express (6-6) v #12 Bartholomew (4-8)

Going to be a wild final Sunday. Can't ever remember only two teams clinched after 12 weeks. Can't wait for the trash talk.

Tatz, UJ, and Gambino - it was a valiant effort this season. Two of you had babies and had your entire teams injured and the other was on pretty much every continent, out of touch with reality. Rough year. I hope each of you ruin somebody else's season in week 13. None more than TPG knocking the defending champ out of the playoffs. That would be incredible. 
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