Welcome Back

No this is not a Mase song. It is the return of the commish to the EFFL blog after taking 2 weeks off. I had planned to write while away, and actually penned the first half of the blog 2 weeks ago on the plane while watching Mario Lopez’ E! True Hollywood Story, but that plan went awry. Of note, and probably a continuing trend, is that when blogging before a week, the Pylons are 2-1. I hope to stay on task for the rest of the season. Although my trip overseas was fantastic, I don’t know if it was worth it to risk the Pylons season. There has been a little separation in the standings, but for the most part the pack is together. Only 2 games separate the #2 seed and the #9 seed. What I find most shocking thus far is that the Odds division owns a 9-3 record against the Evens division, clearly asserting themselves as the stronger of the pack. The 5 teams in that division remain the 5 highest scoring teams and the top 5 teams in the power rankings as well.

Week 7 is also the first of two weeks where 6 teams are on a bye so be careful. On to the games.

Tequila Party Gnomes 132 – The Jackson Five 128:

Another week and another crushing defeat for the Five. After coming into the season boasting Michael Turner, Matt Forte, and DeAngelo Williams, 3 top 10 running backs as keepers, it was the same Turner who failed to come through for the Five. Even a Randy Moss 3 TD effort wasn’t enough to pull out the win in the end. The last 5 games between these two teams have been decided by an unheard of 28 points. Incredibly close matchups which TPG has pulled out 4 of.

The Five are on the verge of veering into unprecedented territory. After winning week 1, this now marks 5 straight defeats. Of note: Only 3 times in EFFL history has a team gone more than 5 weeks in a row without a victory. In 2008, Sam went 1-12, with her only victory coming against the Five. In 2007, Jimish went the first 8 weeks without a victory, finally winning in Week 9 against the Five. And in 2006, TPG beat the Five week 1, lost 8 straight, and then defeated the Five in Week 10. There is a reason Brandon is our favorite fantasy owner ever. Only two games out of a playoff spot, this team is far from done.

Kiss Da Baby 131 – Dueling Pylons 102:

After two subpar weeks, Baby finally broke out and took care of the hapless Pylons. This was only the 2nd time in 6 weeks the Pylons were even able to break the 100 point barrier. Baby meanwhile rode B.Berger, Jones-Drew and Eddie Royal’s 2 return touchdowns to victory. Sitting at 4-2 and in first place in the Evens division, Sam has already matched her win total from the previous 2 seasons combined despite being the 2nd lowest scoring team. I still question whether this team has the ability to make a run deep into the playoffs or has just been lucky so far with opponents. Baby is also 2nd to last in the breakdown. The Pylons meanwhile are in total shambles. I’m sure this makes many of you around the league very happy. Trade offers are currently being taken.

Johnson’s Farm 112 – The King’s Crusaders 111:

Wow Nick. That’s all I have to say. Last week you came through with a game winning Ronnie Brown TD run on Monday night with less than a minute to go. This week a missed FG from Nate Kaeding on Monday night with less than a minute to go did it. I don’t know why you thought I would be hanging out with Chris at 11:30 on a Monday night but I’ll resend the list of cell phone numbers so you can rip him directly. No I don’t want to trade for Willis McGahee. Claiming to have no idea the events that occurred, the King was surprisingly silent on the trash talk front. Making poor lineup decisions and blaming Vegas is unacceptable. If anything, since you were betting on the games, you should have been all over the news. Reading newspapers, checking websites, even getting inside info from some of those guys who flick the cards with strippers on them on the street should have been at the forefront of your research. This game was most certainly payback from the Farm’s 2006 inaugural season when 3 Bears defensive TDs on Monday night won the game for the King. You may have blocked that one out of your mind Nick but we all remember it. Both of these teams now sit at 4-2 and are looking very solid as we hit the midway point.

Stanky Monkeys 164 – Tweeting In The Trenches 100:

Something is severely wrong with Stanky this year. I hear from him after losses and not after big wins like this. Finally putting up a nasty week was what this team needed. A nice confidence booster after a disastrous haircut which I’ve seen on Facebook. I still have no idea how you put up 164 points, but looking at your roster it seems highly unlikely to happen again. This also was a little payback as well for the Week 3 TITTY impressive 90-72 win. Lou has been very hit or miss this year which does make this a dangerous team at any time. At 2-4, right in the thick of the wild card race, and residing in the Evens division also helps. Fusco meanwhile has looked like he is starting to put it together a little more despite having the low score in Week 6. If this team comes together, big things are definitely possible. Although please do not wear green and navy striped briefs around league members. Its nauseating.

Coach Janky Spanky 196 – Animals With Eyepatches 114:

I first would like to congratulate EEB on setting a league record with 196 points. Pulling off this feat in your first EFFL season is a great accomplishment, and your team has definitely picked it up after the 0-3 start. Having said that, Bill Belichick is a fucking asshole. You’re up 45-0 in the 3rd quarter and its still necessary to throw the ball with all of your starters in? EEB if I can offer you some advice, trade Brady now. Moves like this are going to get your boy toy injured and I don’t want to see such a strong performance go to waste come playoff time. Sam will trade for him. Jimish has fallen on some tough luck lately. Despite being 4th in points scored, the Eyepatches are only 2-4 due to some shaky defense. This now marks the 3rd time in 6 weeks that the Eyepatches have faced the high scoring team for the week. Don’t get down on yourself Jimbo, I think your team has potential.


***** Week 7 Preview *****

Tequila Party Gnomes (5-1) vs. The King’s Crusaders (4-2):

The last time these two teams met, each was 2-0 and looking very strong. Although each has suffered setbacks, both are still at the top of the league in points scored. The matchups between these two are always always tough. To my knowledge, the King has not yet conceded this matchup in an unprecedented move. This must be sending the Gnomes confidence sky high. The Gnomes victory in week 3 was the first victory over the King since early in 2007. There will definitely be some intense battles to focus on as Manning/Clark go against Wayne and Driver goes against Jennings. This game could easily go either way but I think the King has looked stronger as of late. I’m taking the Crusaders.

Johnson’s Farm (4-2) vs. Coach Janky Spanky (3-3):

A couple of weeks ago these were looking like two of the weaker teams in the league. After some close wins and a league record, these teams are now right in the Odds division battle. Also their 2nd meeting of the season, Janky Spanky will be looking to build upon their 196 point effort and keep their league high 3 game winning streak rolling. What has been beneficial, however, for Nick and EEB is allowing the 3rd and 2nd fewest points in the league respectively, despite playing in the stronger division. This game to me just has the feeling of a low scoring affair. No Chris Johnson, McGahee, Sims-Walker, Ray Rice, or Houshmanzilly is likely to affect these teams. This game could come down to Kurt Warner Sunday night, and I’m gonna take the Farm in another close game at the end. Also an added bonus will be the Eagles thrashing the Redskins on Monday night.

Animals With Eyepatches (2-4) vs. Tweeting In The Trenches (3-3):

Although Fusco is ahead in the standings, it is easily the Eyepatches who have been the more consistent team thus far. The bye week has hit Jimish very hard this week. Tron, KSmith, BMarsh, Mark Clayton and Kyle Orton will all be out of action. This game is also very important for both teams since this is an out of division matchup that could come up big during wild card time. Jimish cannot afford to fall behind a streaking Fusco by 2 games at this juncture. This is a game that most certainly will not be decided until later on in Week 7 as Fusco has 3 players Sunday night. Monday night features Santana Moss and Brian Westbrook against Clinton Portis, which may or may not be meaningful at that point. I think the bye week hurts Jimish too much here and TITTY pulls out another victory.

The Jackson Five (1-5) vs. Dueling Pylons (2-4):

While strongly considered as game of the week for a 2nd time, the sheer fact that both of these teams have been so bad is keeping it out. The Pylons have been struggling week in and week out, and the Five simply cannot get anything going to get out of their funk. The Pylons winning streak over the Five was extended in Week 3 to a league record 8 games, and seeing BG on the schedule at this juncture has the Pylons buzzing, particularly because Akers, McNabb, Maclin and DeSean will all be in play Monday night. As described above and shown in the past, the cure for any extended funk is a date with the Five. What do Sam and BG have in common? I’ll leave that one open to you. Randy Moss blew his load last week, and when the Falcons/Cowboys game is your moneymaker, it spells trouble. I think the Pylons come out and make a statement in Week 7.


*** Game of the Week ***

Kiss Da Baby (4-2) vs. Stanky Monkeys (2-4):

This game intrigues me. The all time worst franchise and the league’s most accomplished franchise find themselves on opposite ends of the spectrum in 2009. Over the past 4 weeks Sam has scored exactly 1 more point than Lou. That is not saying much considering these are the 2nd and 3rd lowest point totals over that span, ahead of only the Pylons. Having Jones-Drew out definitely hurts Sam. This is another game that will most likely come down to the wire with Jacobs, Fitz and Celek all set to make significant contributions. In 4 seasons, these teams have never split a season series which also intrigues me. I think Kiss Da Baby is finally coming crashing back to Earth, and the Stanky Monkeys reassert themselves as a league powerhouse that we’ve all known them to be. P.S. Your team is NOT nasty.



I know this is a little bit shorter than it has been in the past, but getting back into the groove at work this week has been difficult. I hope this appeased the masses. I look forward to now being able to respond to all of your text messages / BBMs. I would like to extend a personal welcome to Matthew Atallian for joining the BlackBerry community and crossing over to elite text messaging territory. Good luck to all in Week 7.

Monday Night Dud

The hype was there Monday afternoon. Only 1 of 5 EFFL matchups had been decided and it was primed for a wild Monday night affair between two potent offenses in the Cowboys and Panthers. What we got was a game that could not have been more boring. All 4 games that were up in the air saw the leading team gather a win. And to make matters worse, TPG went 14-2 in his work pick em and still lost because these offenses could not move the ball.

This past week saw a significant increase in my phone bill, as I received texts from almost the entire league talking trash. JIMISH WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!?!? I heard from every other league member this weekend about how brutal my team is. Strike that, I have not been receiving responses from EEB after his week 2 embarrassing defeat, enshrining him in the Hall of Shame. A mini tailgate also took place prior to the Chiefs/Eagles game between J5, TPG and the Pylons. Drinking in the rain ended when BG took off in a sprint towards the Linc to empty the tank. He described this relief as heaven. Buzz started to spread throughout the upper level as E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES chants were mixed in with the realization that the Lions were about to defeat the lowly Redskins and snap a 19 game losing streak. This had to have been Pete Kendall’s fault. On to the week 3 recap:

Johnson’s Farm 106 – Coach Janky Spanky 85:

Another week and another defeat for EEB. Janky Spanky is the first EFFL team to not have a win in their first 3 career EFFL games. This is historically bad. It appears the decision to go entirely with backup NFL players has backfired. It’s almost as if you showed up to the draft 3 rounds late and picked up from there. This team is in a world of hurt, and you don’t wanna see the highest scoring offense in the league the following week in their house. Even worse is that Janky Spanky has not been in the top half of team scoring in any week this season and is getting abused in the breakdown. EEB is still talking trash on the Pylons as if scoring 20 more points through 3 weeks is some masterful feat. I also received a text at 10 AM Sunday morning from the King claiming that Janky Spanky’s team was terrible and he was already out of the division race. I believe this is the first time in the 2009 season for any team, but Coach Janky Spanky has officially reached cupcake status. Congratulations. There is more to come later on in the blog about the Janky Spanky – Pylons hatred.

Although the Farm did not come close to matching the 175 point explosion from last week, Nick got enough points from a balanced attack to win convincingly. I’m still up in the air on this team. Using Dolphins, Bills, and Jaguars in your lineup will always have me perplexed. I think this will end up being a playoff squad but this team really has the feel of a hit or miss squad. Get hot at the right time and it could be dangerous. I also do not appreciate the low blows from Johnson’s Farm via text. Frank Gore is a dear friend of mine, and his health and well being as a human comes before my fantasy addiction.

Kiss Da Baby 137 – The Jackson Five 126:

Upon my arrival in the Wachovia Center parking lot Sunday, The Five were already complaining about the lack of involvement of Randy Moss in the Patriots offense. In a 30 second rant, the word Egelman was dropped approximately 8 times incorrectly. The Turner-Forte combo continued to be less than stellar. But this game came down to Monday night. The Romo/Prime nidge couldn’t come through and Kiss Da Baby moved to 3-0. This has to be a demoralizing loss for Brandon. After putting up 60 more points than the previous week and to still come away empty handed is a slap in the face. And from Sam no less. It seems that every year these teams get involved in a tight matchup around this time. Also for the first time this season Sam has spoken out against another team. Finally scoring a respectable amount, Sam took this opportunity to call out the Pylons via indirect text message. I can’t fault her though. Picking on the weak is my specialty. Kiss Da Baby now has opened up a 2 game lead in the evens division. A shocking revelation after this was sure to be a last place team.

Animals With Eyepatches 103 – Dueling Pylons 79:

This was a rough rough game to watch. These teams combined to have 11 of the 18 starters in single digits. Brian Westbrook didn’t even play. Frank Gore got hurt on his first touch. Felix Jones left the game with an injury, and the supposed Saints-Bills shootout turned into a disaster. For some reason I refuse to listen to the advice of one Matthew Atallian. No past or present Bills. It is a recipe for disaster. A note of fact: Coming into the 2009 season, the Pylons had a losing streak against only two teams… Lou and Jimish. Through 3 weeks these are the 2 teams the Pylons have lost to. There are greener pastures abound. The Eyepatches needed this victory to get out of the 0-2 hole they found themselves in. Right back in the thick of things, this must be a good feeling for Jimish. If he can win with 15 combined points from Brees, Westbrook, and Tron, things are looking up.

I would like to address the current situation of the greatest team known to man, the Dueling Pylons. Direct quotes from Coach Janky Spanky: “I’m not writing off the league. I’ve just had bad matchups and injuries so far. Cro’s team is the worst fantasy team I’ve seen and it annoys me he beat me. He will be in last place when all is said and done… guaranteed”. Also, “Cro’s injured lineup is better than his starting lineup from the draft. That team is pathetic.” For some reason I can’t avoid injuries like the plague. And for some reason, Sam Woody’s team always seems to remain completely healthy. Leaving the draft, I said to my competitors: “I think this is the worst team I’ve ever drafted.” I still believe that. But to get trash talked like that by the team alone in last place, a team who has never beaten me in fantasy football in any league, and a man who supports the team that just lost to the Detroit Lions is one of the funniest things I have ever heard in my life. I shit myself laughing so hard. I wish we could meet again so I could use an entire lineup of players against your team and still bitch slap you. I’ve never heard a bigger whiner in fantasy sports. You’re a welcome addition to the league. I hope you enjoy the EFFL’s real competition. As for the rest of you, do not sleep on the Pylons as this team is not looking to peak too early. There are some big games ahead.

Tweeting In The Trenches 90 – Stanky Monkeys 72:

Well this is how you do it Fusco. Come out and score 90 points to get your first win. Lou should be embarrassed by this. The backlash in the Monkeys front office was so violent, that Verizon had to send me a text in 2 parts to get across the full disaster that was Stanky’s Sunday. NO PAST OR PRESENT BILLS. Come on Lou. TO put up a huge goose egg. Let’s be honest here for a minute. This is one of the worst games the EFFL has seen in a long time. Only one player on either team scored more than 14 points. Aaron Rodgers scored 30 and won this game single handedly for Fusco. I’ve never seen a team more amped for a Monday night game in which he had no players than Fusco was Monday night. Lou needed 28 points from DeAngelo Williams to win. Not an impossible feat but definitely a difficult one. With the brutal game that was Monday night, DeAngelo didn’t even get close and TITTY had their first win of the season.

The biggest disaster occurred when the Monkeys could not figure out current technology… big surprise coming from a monkey. The Monkeys claim that he attempted to contact Nick Gambino to insert Brent Celek following the new that BWest would not play but that this attempt was in vain and it was too late. He guaranteed there won’t be any more collapses. This sounds like some shady business here. I also believe that Lou has an iPhone and could easily have contacted the commissioner. The Stanky Monkeys had a similar loss last year and turned it around last year so all is not lost.

Tequila Party Gnomes 138 – The King’s Crusaders 134:

Week 3’s game of the week was certainly that. In a matchup of unbeatens this game came down to the wire as the King needed 12 points from Nick Fizzolk to seal the win. After what looked like a sure 3 early in the game, Fizzolk booted a field goal wide right and the King never recovered. In a rare text message explosion, the King let his frustrations known, claiming “Schaub TD called back, missed fg, intentional grounding taking them out of fg range. Classic King luck.” What is truly unlucky is putting up 134 points and losing. This was a great game and definitely one to remember in the 2009 EFFL season. The Gnomes have been glowing all season. And even moreso, what they are most proud of is that they are doing it with Donald Driver and Derrick Mason in the starting lineup. TPG has been an absolute force in 2009, averaging 145 points per week through 3 weeks. The next highest scoring team has 60 points fewer than TPG. It’s almost impossible to imagine wishing for a better start to the season.

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*** Week 4 Preview ***

The commish was 4-1 in his picks last week. It’s a shame I can’t be as accurate in my own fantasy team’s projections.

Johnson’s Farm (2-1) vs. Animals With Eyepatches (1-2):

This is the matchup we’ve all been waiting for. The matchup of the two teams that didn’t show up at the draft. Neither has been overly impressive thus far outside of Johnson’s Week 2 massacre of the Stanky Monkeys. Each got a win last week following a strong defensive effort. The history between these two teams has also produced little in the way of explosiveness. Only once in these teams 7 meetings has either team cracked the 120 point barrier. What a battle this will be Monday night as Visanthe Shiancoe and Vikings Defense try to hold off Vikings kicker Ryan Longwell. It will be interesting to see if the Farm attempts this week to add Calvin Johnson via trade. Nick’s trade offers have been so bad that people have stopped responding. Pimping out bench players is a tactic that only the King and I can pull off. Regardless I don’t see much firepower coming from AEP this week. I’m taking the Farm, but not betting the ranch on it.

Stanky Monkeys (1-2) vs. The King’s Crusaders (2-1):

In a matchup of the two most winning franchises in EFFL history, one may have penciled this in as game of the week. But this year these teams are a combined .500 despite both being in the top 5 in the league in points. These teams have met an astounding 11 times including 3 playoff meetings. Both Stanky championships were won with victories over the King. These two teams always have a good matchup, but both could find themselves right in the middle of the pack with a Monkeys win instead of the usual with these teams at the top. Both teams are also going to be hit very hard with the byes in week 4: Matt Ryan, DeAngelo Williams, Larry Fitzgerald, Tony Gonzalez, Brent Celek, LeSean McCoy, Anquan Boldin, and Eagles defense will all be out of this matchup. But again this is another game that could come down to Monday night with both teams having Fudge Packers in their lineup. I think Stanky has run into some bad luck here as having so many byes against the King is tough to overcome. I’m picking the King in this one.

Kiss Da Baby (3-0) vs. Tweeting In The Trenches (1-2):

I’m just gonna come right out and say it. Looking at Fusco’s lineup he has already lost this game. The games themselves are nothing more than a formality as Sam will move to an unprecedented 4-0. In the past two seasons combined Sam has been a pitiful 4-23-1, but has somehow found the magical combo in 2009 with backup receivers and perennial Gnome Philip Rivers. A direct quote from Chris Fusco about this matchup: “3-0 Sam’s almost a 40 point underdog this week. Something tells me that her lucky streak is about to end.” Do you see what happens once you allow any team in the EFFL to get some swagger? I’m sure Fusco was cribwalking and dancing all over his apartment Monday night after the win and demanded a celebratory rubdown from his sleeping fiancée. Honestly I’m hoping for a tie in this game.

Coach Janky Spanky (0-3) vs. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-0):

If Vegas took bets on EFFL games, I’d be throwing down an entire paycheck on TPG here. I know that the Gnomes were desperate to have an expansion team win before he played EEB in week 4 so the pressure would be removed. Well with the Fusco inaugural victory, the Gnomes have smooth sailing ahead. Employing the single back, power formation with 2 TE’s, Matt is looking to embarrass longtime friend and rival EEB. As has been covered extensively in this blog, myself along with other league members believe that Janky Spanky has no business competing in the EFFL. To make matters worse, Janky Spanky is even joining the ranks of TPG Thursday night for some trivia. If EEB cracks 100 points this week I’ll be very surprised. I know that TPG loves a good Monday night beatdown, and with Peterson, Driver and Packers D on Monday night, I’m definitely smelling text message fury, more EEB whining, and cracking of canned Modelo via smash to the forehead following an All Day 80 yard TD rumble. I’ll be wearing the jersey Monday night in full support of the Gnomes. This should be a fun matchup.

***** Game of the Week *****

The Jackson Five (1-2) vs. Dueling Pylons (1-2):

This game has been anointed the game of the week for the simple reason that the loser of this game is going to be in absolute shambles. Both teams have been completely up and down and not once so far this season has either team come within 45 points of the other on a given week. So is another blowout to be expected this week? Is it the Pylons turn to put up 120+ this week? The history between these two teams has been totally lopsided. The Pylons have won 7 straight games and have not lost to the Five since Week 2 of 2005. Over these 7 meetings the Pylons have averaged 130 points to the Five’s 91. But history means nothing in these current economic times. This is a huge divisional matchup that both teams need. The Pylons will have to sit and watch during the 1 o clock games as the Five build their lead, but look for this to be a back and forth affair culminating with former Buckeye and unwanted star Santonio Holmes having an enormous game on national TV Sunday night. I think the Pylons even their record at 2-2 this week.


That concludes an intense week 3 review and week 4 preview. Again I plan to release these sooner, but work schedule dictates the release date. Writing a 5 page essay each week does take some time. I look forward to the trash talk and banter each Sunday. Nick, please stop proposing awful trades.