The Summer of Claw. That's what 2019 has been. Weeks before the draft, I notified TPG that Harry's was a Claw shop. He threatened to call the distributor, more as a joke than anything. As the weeks turned to days and the EFFL draft was upon the horizon, more and more recruits emerged. It was obvious that we were going to drink them dry.
I don't know how many I had. But I do know that Dosh was ordering 4 at a time and shit himself at Stiletto's at late night. 10 AM, and the man was trying to open Stiletto's. He reappeared 17 hours later in the same spot, on the same day. I'm very glad I avoided that trap this year.
But whoo boy were there fireworks. Things started off hot and heavy, with the draw of the Pepper Pick. A new wrinkle this year where the pepper was inside an unknown envelope, adding even more drama. Meech gracefully volunteered to represent Gambino and Tatz in the pepper lottery. And it was always going to be him. As an aside, Nick volunteered to eat a hab next year for missing the draft. Subsequently, he was chosen for a 2nd straight year and now must eat at least 2 next year. If he is drawn for a 3rd straight year, he will do 3!!
Joining him was Phil, aka Philly Peppers. While the pain may be immense on draft night, the pepper produced an EFFL champion in 2018. Call it good luck.. except when I eat it.
Sadly, we did not see Pauly's D at Harrah's. But there was enough activity to go around. Matt was accosted by a patron in the casino. Meech took matters into his own hands and told him he hopes his wife gets wrecked by a girthy gentleman.
But that was not all. The fun was just beginning. Somehow, Matt, Meech, and Mike Y were paired together in a room. Nobody knows what happened to Mike Y. What we do know is he returned to his room around 3 AM, only to find the room dead bolted and the guests passed out. They would not open the door. Security was called on a gentleman insisting he lived there and banging on a door for hours. He must've called people at least 30 times to no avail. Eventually at 6 AM, Mike was let into his room. Nobody has heard from him since.
Cutter puked on the Garden State Parkway. I think he's puked at like 90% of the drafts.
It was a classic draft, and a fantastic time. Thank you again to everyone for making the trip. I know it's one of the best days of the year for most of us. Nick, the trophy is en route to you soon.
Beef of the Week: Harrah's Check-In
The obvious choice. Who doesn't have check in til 4 PM and actually follows it?!?! We couldn't do the draft lottery at the beach bar because of this indiscretion. Unacceptable. We won't be back.
Power Rankings:
I've gone to a professional website and entered the draft results. These results are unedited and in no way reflect my personal opinion, which is worthless anyway.
14. Bo$$town Cutter - I don't know what to say, but it seems a bit tough to disagree. Waiting on QB and rolling out Goff is fine, but Freeman, Alshon, and Jared Cook may have all been reaches. You took players on good offenses, however, which always gives you a good shot. I would definitely have you outside the playoff picture initially, but dead last may be a bit harsh.
13. Ouch! My Hamstringy! - Come ahn, EEB! You messed up the keepers despite being given the 14th position and arguably most important role. Again I think this is a bit harsh. Watson with Tyreek and Juju is going to be good. Real good. Just remains to be seen where things land. I'm cautiously optimistic.
12. Dueling Pylons - Who needs RBs! I'm a believer in Jameis and Lamar. I'll roll out Sony any day of the week. And arguably the #1 receiving corps in the league. What do these preseason rankings know anyway?
11. Team BG - The Damien Williams pick was a little surprising, but who's stopping him from having a Kareem Hunt-like season. I think you paid for the ceiling, however. Baker and Nuk is going to be nice, and Boyd could be a solid complement. I think this spot is a fair assessment.
10. Philly Peppers - Mahomes, Adams, Fuller... the whole gang's back together. Just missing Michael Crabtree. My biggest concern is your depth. Really need Jacobs to produce and Fuller, Gallup, or Njoku to step up. If not, who replaces them? Luck is on your side, however.
9. Team Bartholomeech - Could go really well... or really bad. Gurley, AB, Kittle, Kerryon... this could easily be the best team in the league. Things got a bit hairy in the middle rounds when the well known names started to dry up. Prob needs a couple waiver adds to be a serious contender, but the potential is there.
8. Geno 911 - Middle of the pack for a team drafted by the league is truly the best you can hope for. Kamara, Ertz, Cooper isn't bad. Sprinkle in some Brady and you're there. Sorry you got all the guys nobody wanted. Robby Anderson will surely put up a top 20 season for you.
7. Stanky Monkeys - I actually like your team. Going double Panthers is risky, but getting 2 guys poised to breakout is a good thing. Dalvin and David Montgomery is an interesting duo and if Wentz is healthy, he should be a top QB. I see opportunity. Stanky Monkeys should be back.
6. The King's Crusaders - I think this is a stretch. I'm not as high on this team. Zeke really may just not play and that's a huge problem. AJ Green is already injured. Greg Olsen is older than Mike Y. If all goes well, you'll be in the mix, but I think that's more unlikely than not. I'm concerned you had too much Claw.
5. Pork Chop Express - Brees, Le'Veon, TY Hilton. It's a championship team from 2015! I'm not a huge fan of Henry or Kirk, but Chubb and Diggs are good. I think this team is ranked reasonably. Don't see much better than the 4 or 5 teams behind it. You always seem to find a way, however.
4. Tweeting in the Trenches - Feels like forever since I've seen TITTY ranked this high. Almost lost the right to be called TITTY with horrible performances over the past few years. Again, I think this team is solid, but relative to the teams behind it, there's not much difference. Josh Gordon could end up being a steal. QB needs to be addressed. This team will be competitive.
3. Long and Thunderous - Also a term for a shit at a strip club. Never heard anyone bitch more in my life about getting James Conner in the 3rd round. Starting DJ, Kelce, Conner automatically vaults you towards the top. Good luck with Rodgers. He's infuriating. Also, your receivers are horrible. If anything happens to your big 3 players, you're in a lot of trouble.
2. Tequila Party Gnomes - A RUNNING BACK. NAPLES, ITALY. It's a match made in heaven. If Melvin Gordon gets his contract sorted out, TPG is full of riches. A healthy Andrew Luck could also be a top 3 QB. I think TPG is a serious contender this year.
1. The Old Ball Sack - At least you got a bit of revenge on Matt. I swear this isn't my doing. I'll be honest... I'm surprised with this ranking. Of course, McCaffrey is great to have, but behind that I'm pretty concerned. Jarvis Landry and Edelman may not combine for 1,000 receiving yards on 200 catches. If I'm being honest... I don't think this team makes the playoffs. But the experts like it.
EFFL Schedule will be released over the next week or two. Thanks again to everyone for coming to the draft. If there are any other funny stories that I may have missed and should be added to this or a future blog, please let me know.
We're also going to set up a couple watch parties.. maybe a Thursday night, maybe a couple Sundays to get some people in the league together. More info soon!
