Pylons Moving Backwards

 

Forgive me if I talk about my own team for a little bit, but it's been a rough few days. I woke up last Thursday at 1-1 and ready to party. Just over 72 hours later, I was 0-3. My beef of the week last week called out Fred Jackson. Little did I know that he would ruin my week 2 and week 3. The guy is going to be 33 in February! It's a ridiculous age for a Running Back and he must be sent out to pasture. No mention from CBS about the condition of CJ Spiller or his backers. Just a healthy dose of Fred Jackson in my face. Again and again, I just can't handle the rules of fantasy football.

The Bills game was front and center where us Bills fans became the centerpiece for finger pointing. No matter where you were, everyone in the bar could see that you were rooting for a terrible team. Conversely, the Giants game was broadcast in a dark corner of the bar, because nobody wants to be around Giants fans. I was later found demanding shots and blacking out after it was official that the Pylons would remain winless.

#2 in the rule book is don't start players against your own defense. This is like hedging, which is never a good idea in fantasy football. The violator this week was TPG, as they were outdone by a Woody kicker on Monday night. Any McFadden or Janikowski points would have been detrimental to the Broncos defense. It's no wonder the Pylons and Gnomes are both 0-3 following these blatant violations.

Beef of the Week: Gamblers

I will admit that I bet on the NFL in weeks 1 and 2. It was not a pretty sight. You don't really know how bad it gets unless you're on the outside looking in. After a rough two weeks, I took a break. Some clown in the bar did not. Dude was screaming at Titans-Chargers for 3 straight hours like an absolute madman. Why would you ever bet on that game knowing you'll have to watch it? When the Titans scored a winning TD this guy started doing Tae-Bo, taking out anyone in his path. It was a truly alarming wake up call. But I'll probably be back on the horse this week. I want to do Tae-Bo.


League 1

Things are already starting to get tense in League 1 as at least one team will be headed to 0-4 and one will be headed to 4-0. You can't really say any team has been wronged by their record as the lowest scoring teams sit at the bottom of the standings. Let's take a look at where each team stands:

1. Team Toliver (3-0) - Last week: 3

Peyton Manning and Julio Jones on the same roster is bad news for the rest of the league. There's plenty of other talent on this roster that can fill in and get the job done. This team should avoid down weeks, which is huge, plus a 3-0 start doesn't hurt. This team didn't even score a TD until Sunday night and still ended up with the 3rd highest score. The current team to beat. This anti-Pylons message also helped:

2. RGIII For President (2-1) - Last week: 4

Darryl has picked up 2 wins since the last blog, which is a tremendous feat. This team is actually 1st in the league breakdown, indicating that with a neutral schedule, this team would be expected to have the best record in the league. Probably in some trouble with the Packers on a bye, but getting that out of the way is huge. This team looks very, very solid right now. Two teams that moved up from League 2 currently occupy the top two spots. An impressive feat.

3. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-0) - Last week: 7

No love! Baby don't hurt me. Jamaal Charles is the top RB. Matt Stafford is respectable. I'm just still not buying it. This just doesn't have the feel of a championship team to me. You tell me EFFL brethren... how many players on this team would you really want to trade for? Maybe 2 or 3 at best? The only thing I'm ranking Fusco first in is most annoying to trade with. Nobody overvalues their players more than Fusco. He'd probably laugh in your face at a Calvin Johnson for Antonio Brown offer.

4. The King's Crusaders (2-1) - Last week: 1

Conceded on Twitter Sunday afternoon. These new tactics work. This team can barely field a lineup, yet when everyone shits the bed, his opponent starts two Raiders and his kicker scores 17 points. This would never happen to anyone not named Woody. It's a new year and the same story. Solid team with potential. Nobody scores points against him and squeaks out wins. Blows up in November and December. This team could be very dangerous moving forward.

5. Lady Luck (2-1) - Last week: 8

I keep flip-flopping on this team. Has some very good players, but really only has that. The management is extremely poor. Blind homerism cost this team a win as they continue to roll out David Wilson despite the fact that he had negative points coming into this week. Benching Cam Newton for Eli Manning cost this team an easy win and a 3-0 record. But hey, knowing Lady Luck, it'll be Darryl who has a CJ Spiller catch overturned this week awarding this team the win.

6. Tavon in 60 Seconds (2-1) - Last week: 5

Not really sure what this team's plan is. Right behind Fusco in terms of overvaluing players. This team is coming crashing back to Earth now that its players who always get injured are starting to get injured. Arian Foster looks like complete doo-doo. Look at this team's Week 4 starters. Absolutely brutal. This team is going to sink like a stone to the bottom of the standings before our very eyes.

7. Dueling Pylons (0-3) - Last week: 2

Complete feast or famine team. This never bodes well for championship hopes. Now faces winless TPG in pretty much a must-win game in week 4. Sad. Who knows what will come of this team, but the inconsistency is too wild to ignore. The robbery of a week 2 victory will haunt this team all season. Started 2 Bills and expected to win. Idiot.

8. Tequila Party Gnomes (0-3) - Last week: 6

Had a Running Back, Defense and Kicker outscored by a Kicker Monday night. Terrible. Mike Wallace looks like a complete farce and Roddy White is absolutely killing this team right now. If Trent Richardson can't get it together, this team could be in a lot of trouble. See: Pylons, Dueling. Started 2 Raiders and expected to win. Idiot.

9. Threeing the Hogs (1-2) - Last week: 9

Beating up the special kid doesn't get you any points. In fact, it's just rude. It's alarming that this lineup won. Thankfully Jimmy Graham was there to save the day. Graham is the only glimmer of hope this team has, but unfortunately it probably won't go anywhere without trading him. Edelman, Royal, Jared Cook is not a championship team. We've seen far, far better days from Mike Y. Beat King and then come talk to me.

10. Stanky Monkeys (0-3) - Last week: 10

Still in the basement of the power rankings. Still winless. Hasn't scored more than 105 in a single week. That last fact is especially ridiculous considering this team has Drew Brees, Calvin Johnson, and Jason Witten. This team really needs to make some big moves either on the waiver wire or via trade. Maybe trading Hakeem Nicks to a Giants fan is the way to go. He sucks.


League 2

As was the case last week, League 2 appears to have solid balance and the rankings have not changed much since last week. The second highest scoring team is 1-2, while EEB Ventura is just a complete clown. He cannot be allowed back in League 1.

1. Bo$$town Beasts (3-0) - Last week: 1

Very solid week for Cutter. Picked up the $10 high score prize, is the only team in League 2 at 3-0, and is the highest scoring team across both leagues. Add that to the fact that he had 2 players combine for 1 point and it could have been way worse. As is the case in League 1, the team with Peyton Manning is #1 overall. Dosh is surely still wondering why he ever listened to EEB. He's the only one. I'd expect this team to stay consistent all season.

2. Game on Dick Bag (1-2) - Last week: 3

Despite the loss, Sam moves up due to a pretty big week. A healthy Larry Fitzgerald should help this team get it together. Obviously tons of time left, but would be good to get a couple wins under his belt. Big week 4 matchup with the Norseman will leave one team behind, but I like where this team is at.

3. Darkest Norseman (1-2) - Last week: 2

Finally on the board with a victory, but it was over the lowly Meat Collage. The panic button was already hit with the benching of Matty Ice, but things should be turning around. A healthy Roddy White will definitely help Dosh's QB man crush get back on track. I'm expecting big things from this team and certainly view them as a strong playoff squad.

4. Jersey Leshoure (2-1) - Last week: 5

Made quick work of the Eskimo Brothers and jumped all the way to 2nd place. What a collection of guys on this team. 2 Lions, 1 Dolphin, 1 Panther, 1 Ram, 1 Buccaneer. Hasn't seen a good game on Sunday all season. I'm liking this team more and more as time has gone on. I'm expecting this run to continue against the Street Pigeons. There's a definitely dropoff in team quality after the top 4.

5. EEB Ventura (2-1) - Last week: 4

Amazing that this team is 2-1 and in the top 5 despite failing to put up 100 points 2 weeks in a row. I think the Woody syndrome is rubbing off on EEB. When you can have a down week across the board and still come away with a win, you're in good shape. Tough week 4 matchup with Cutter with teams going in different directions. Will be interesting to see if their fortunes change and EEB can break 100 for the first time since early September.

6. Street Pigeons (1-2) - Last week: 6

If I'm the owner of the Pigeons, I'm wondering how this team has done so poorly. Just nothing went right in Week 3, and couldn't even take out an EEB squad that put up a total of 1 TD. Potential is there, but again has failed to deliver. Show me something or you'll be moved down. Also, don't let a guy draft for you who has an obsession with the Raiders. Show up!

7. Super Mario Brothers (2-1) - Last week: 6

I wasn't big on this team last week despite the record, and I think this week was the reason why. Brees and Julio is nice, but there has to be more production from other positions. Good thinking using Dwayne Bowe, but you should never trust Andy Reid. He's laughing all the way to the bank and collecting as the new Kool-Aid spokesman. Beat the Tatz and I'll reconsider.

8. Meat Collage (0-3) - Last week: 8

Just like in League 1, the team I've had at the bottom for a majority of the rankings is in dead last. Word on the street is that other owners are already trying to raid this team for parts. Left 116 points and a win on the bench. Dosh thanks you. There are better days ahead, but questionable lineup decisions have plagued this team thus far. Will be an interesting week 4 affair against the #7 team in the rankings.


I was still reeling from my defeat, which explains the late blog. But we must move forward. Myself, Matt, Lou and Tatz are the only winless teams remaining. Yashar, Fusco and Cutty the only undefeated. I look forward to an exciting week 4.

If you have any pictures or guest comments that you would like featured on the blog, please let me know. I'll be happy to use them. Good luck to everyone.

Week 2: Revenge of the Injury Bug

Week 2 was not for the faint of heart. If you happened to make it through the week unscathed, consider yourself fortunate. Not only did a lot of names go down, a lot of big names went down. Ray Rice, Larry Fitzgerald, Maurice Jones-Drew, Steven Jackson, Eddie Lacy, Andre Johnson and Reggie Bush to name a few. Basically the fantasy football stars of 2008. Live in the now! If you had a number of these guys, your team probably wasn't going anywhere anyway.

A special congratulations is in order to our own Chris Fusco. He and his wife/backer Jenna welcomed their first child into the world. Eli Manning Fusco was born this past Wednesday and weighed in at 8 pounds even. Eli was spotted just four days later with a Yankee pacifier and a Giant "Fusco 25" custom infant jersey. Congrats to Chris and Jenna.

Beef of the Week: Fred Jackson

How is this guy still in the league? He's going on 33 years old, averages less than 4 yards a carry, and is stealing over 10 touches a game from the best player in the world CJ Spiller. What kind of voodoo does this guy possess? He had Chan Gailey mind-whipped, and the new coaching regime was supposed to change that. Offensive Coordinator Nathaniel Hackett infamously said this summer "We're gonna feed Spiller til he throws up". Are you? Are you, Nathaniel? CJ must have a weak stomach because it's inexcusable to have Fred Jackson with 16 touches.

I know what you're thinking... No past or present Bills... Rule #1 of fantasy football. And maybe this is true. Bu, it's just ridiculous at this point. Give your best player the ball. Please. PLEASE!

The below conversation actually happened at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Bumblefuck, PA.

Me: Find Julius!!!

White Trash Guy: Are you a Broncos fan?

Me: No, but I'll take any excuse to root against the Giants.

WTG: Cool, I'm a Chargers fan.

Me: OK...

(5 minutes later)

Me: JULIUS!!! MORE JULIUS!!!

WTG: Do you play fantasy football or something?

Me: No, I'm just a Julius Thomas fan. Been following him since Portland St.

WTG: ........

Me: Yes, I play fantasy football.


League 1

Before we get into the power rankings, I just wanted to quickly highlight the woes of both Darryl and myself. Each of us got rammed to the tune of 194 points in Week 1. Naturally, we faced off in week 2, and naturally, we put up the two highest point totals across both leagues. I ended up the victor by a single point, winning 162-161. Darryl's 161 is the highest score by a losing team in EFFL History. Welcome to League 1.

1. The King's Crusaders (1-1) - Last week: 1 - This still looks like the best team to me. You know, they say Danny Amendola is the new Wes Welker, but I think Tavon Austin may be the new Danny Amendola. A short, white guy with little to no skill who catches all of Sam Bradford's 6 yard passes. Most weeks, this team should feel very confident that they'll be in the game. One thing to monitor may be the depth at RB. If Doug Martin goes down, this team may need to make a big move.

2. Dueling Pylons (1-1) - Last week: 4 - The Pylons currently have the #1 RB, #1 WR, #2 TE, and #1 DEF. None of this includes Dez Bryant, CJ Spiller or Tommy Brady. If Brady can get his act together, this team can threaten the top spot in the Power Rankings. The Pylons always seem to have a down Week 1, but things seem to be turning around quickly. This team has by far the toughest 3 week schedule out of the gate.

3. Team Toliver (2-0) - Last week: 2 - Team Toliver really didn't go down in my book in Week 2. More of a lateral movement. Sproles, Steve Smith, Tony G, Anquan, and VJax combined for 41 points, and this team still put up 120. The Peyton Manning / Julio Jones combo may be the best 1-2 punch across both leagues. Naturally after a down week and with the Pylons coming to town, this team is primed for 150+ yet again.

4. RGIII For President (0-2) - Last week: 7 - For whatever reasons unknown to the league, Marshawn Lynch was benched in favor of DeMarco Murray. If not for that gigantic coaching mistake, this team would be 1-1 with the Pylons left winless. This team was the victim of intoxicated drafting, as while it is very solid on the surface, the depth is not there. With some waiver wire pickups, this team should be in decent shape. Losing to Sam Woody and falling to 0-3 is not an option.

5. Tavon in 60 Seconds (2-0) - Last week: 9 - I can't believe this team is 2-0. The steal of the draft may turn out to be Mike Vick if he can stay somewhat healthy. Recently completed a Frank Gore and Miles Austin for Alfred Morris trade with the Stanky Monkeys. Asked my thoughts, I told Nick "2 is more than 1". That's how it goes with scrubs. I can see this team backing into the playoffs and getting his usual #5 or #6 seed only to be immediately eliminated. The Seahawks defense also is a huge asset.

6. Tequila Party Gnomes (0-2) - Last week: 3 - The Gnomes are already wondering why things have happened the way they have. Trent Richardson has done nothing, Roddy White has been injured, and Mike Wallace and Adrian Peterson have traded weeks of inconsistency. This team is ranked here strictly on potential. It's rare that guys don't put it all together in the first couple weeks. But has a very difficult matchup with the King in week 3 and is in real danger of falling to 0-3.

7. Tweeting in the Trenches (2-0) - Last week: 8 - I'm still not a believer. Usually it's the other way around where I like this team, but the record doesn't support it. Taking the Sam Woody reverse approach is never a good thing. Through two weeks has allowed 197 points. Wouldn't that be nice. The worst part is that Chris faces Nick in week 3, so one of those teams will be 3-0. Barf. Haven't you learned anything from Nick? Trying to fill your holes with Johnsons is always a losing battle.

8. Lady Luck (2-0) - Last week: 5 - I'm actually surprised that drafting Bears with your first two picks can work out, but that seems to be the case thus far. I don't think this team is anything special at this point, but you never know. History has shown that luck is on this team's side. This team's bench is also absolutely terrible, so if someone goes down, it could spell trouble.

9. Threeing the Hogs (0-2) - Last week: 6 - It appears that the rest of the league has found the chink in Mike Y's armor: Open Bar. Not sure what happened to this team, but it is getting ugly quick. Lost Ray Rice and Larry Fitz to injuries in week 2. A possible starting lineup for week 3 includes Russell Wilson, Stevan Ridley, Julian Edelman, Dwayne Bowe at best. Faces Lou in week 3 to determine who truly has the worst team in the EFFL. It might not be too soon to start preparing for the relegation battle.

10. Stanky Monkeys (0-2) - Last week: 10 - When your top 3 running backs are Frank Gore, Maurice Jones-Drew, and Knowshon Moreno, you're in trouble. You figure this team must have gone WR heavy, right? Started a Cardinals #3 receiver in week 2. This team is a DISASTER. Actually made a smart move in trading one guy to pick up two. It's shaping up to be a real struggle for the Stanky Monkeys to make the playoffs this year.


League 2

This side of the EFFL appears to be much more balanced than League 1. Coming up with these rankings was pretty challenging, and this can certainly change on a week-to-week basis.

1. Bo$$town Beasts (2-0) - Last week: 5 - This may be the first time ever that Cutter has topped the rankings, but the Boss has finally done it. While MJD and Hakeem Nicks don't appear to be helping, the rest of this team is real solid. Manning, Welker, Jordy Nelson, and Jimmy Graham are all top options, and there's no reason to believe this team won't be a contender and a top candidate for promotion.

2. The Darkest Norseman (0-2) - Last week: 1 - I'm still a complete believer in this squad. Despite being 0-2, is still the 3rd highest scoring team in League 2. This is a classic example of why depth is so important. You can throw Peterson, Dez and Brandon Marshall out there, but if you're also forced to start Kenbrell Thompkins and Miles Austin, things aren't as rosy as they should be. Already with a huge matchup in week 3 as Dosh faces the Tatz's winless squad. There will only be one winless team left.

3. Game On Dick Bag (1-1) - Last week: 2 - Had a poor week 2, but I'm still a fan. Currently has the top 2 RBs in the league, and potential breakout candidates Jason Witten and Matt Stafford. The Larry Fitzgerald injury hurts in the short run, but this team should be OK. Picked the wrong time to have an injury as the top ranked Cutter sits on the horizon.

4. EEB Ventura (1-1) - Last week: 3 - Came back to earth this week in a total beatdown. This team is an interesting case. Seems to have a lot of solid players, but no real superstars other than AJ Green. DeSean could end up saving him, however.  EEB has put himself in a bind as he will constantly be facing difficult lineup decisions. His track record has shown this is not a good thing. Odds are, he pulls a Gambino, gets a #5 or #6 seed, and shits himself round 1.

5. Jersey Leshoure (1-1) - Last week: 8 - Out of the basement and feasting on a helpless EEB, Ben is headed in the right direction. I bet he's looking back at that Cam Newton pick and wondering why he didn't go with a better receiver. Started both Brian Hartline and Tavon Austin in week 2. That's a bad sign of things to come. Reggie Bush seems to be OK so dodged a bullet there. Will be interesting to see which direction this team heads.

6. Super Eskimo Brothers (2-0) - Last week: 6 - How is the undefeated, highest scoring team 6th in the rankings? I'm not a believer. Brees, Marshawn Lynch, Julio Jones and Victor Cruz looks great right now. But outside of that, this team has nothing. If any of these guys get injured, it's bad news all around. Will have an interesting test against Ben in Week 3. I need to see something from somebody else.

7. Street Pige (1-1) - Last week: 4 - I'm not really that down on this team, but the Andre Johnson concussion is a huge blow. This is yet another team that is very strong at the top, but has not much outside of a couple big players. That should keep you in the hunt for most of the season, but it becomes very difficult to win it all. This team needs to make some smart lineup decisions, which has been a problem in the past.

8. Team Meat Collage (0-2) - Last week: 7 - Winless and dead last in points. But this team certainly has the potential to move up quick. Has probably the most disappointing QB and RB thus far in Brady and Trent Richardson. There is nothing that could have been done last week, and it appears this team will either sink or swim with the guys they're rolling with. Beating Dosh this weekend will be a step in the right direction.


Hope you enjoyed this week's blog. I'm hoping to have more hilarious bar experiences to share with the blog. It's only week 3, but it's already going to be a big one.

The Biggest First Week Ever

"I Fucking HATE Fantasy Football".  It took me all of 2 hours to curse 9 months of anticipation. I think it was around the time Reg Bush decided to rip off a 77 yard catch and run that I knew it was over. I woke up Monday morning DOWN 138 POINTS. This has to be some sort of record. The only person that knows what I'm feeling is Darryl. Each of us got 194 points dropped on us. The only consolation is that Woody had to split the $10 high score prize. How does this happen? Everyone is so pumped up for fantasy, and it all comes crashing down so quickly. The Darkest Norseman dropped 155 and it still wasn't enough.

My Sunday was filled with an all-day attempt to meet Ryan Seacrest and win a couple million dollars on NBC's Million Dollar Quiz. While I passed the first barrier to the live show, the second was insurmountable. My chance at TV fame and millions was gone. As a consolation prize, NBC hooked me up with The Real World San Diego's Ashley. And I'm not making that up.

While you're trying to figure out if my Sunday ended in happy tissues or sad tissues, let's get into the Beef of the Week.

Beef of the Week: "Fantasy Experts"

I had my beef at about 4 P.M. Sunday, and the more I have thought about it in anticipation of the blog, the more the beef has grown. What makes someone a fantasy expert? Do you win a tournament of leagues? Is it witty writing? I just don't understand what makes specific people "experts". If the Talented Mr. Homo Matthew Berry played in the EFFL there's no way he wins more than Woody.

The worst part is this "Fantasy Experts Draft" I saw about 2 weeks before the EFFL draft. All of the "experts" insisted on drafting running backs until there were none left. Some guy was bragging in the comments that he was able to snag Daryl Richardson while one of his competitive clowns lost his season by popping the QB cherry and drafting Aaron Rodgers. Legitimately, these guys were praising the guy for taking D-Rich over Rodgers. It's what the "experts" do.

So where's the beef? Entering Monday, only 2 players had run for 100 yards: a Raiders QB and a Patriots backup RB. Meanwhile, in the EFFL, Yashar drafted Julio Jones first and Woody drafted A.J. Green first. Each broke the 190 point barrier. Eat D "experts". I get the position scarcity, but come on. On the other side of the coin, an "expert" may look at the Stanky Monkeys with the best WR and arguably the best QB in the league and point and laugh at how awful his team is.

Go head Cousin Terio:

Let's move on to the power rankings, which are back for the 2013 season. FYI, the top of the blog has links to both league pages so you can see what's going on with the other league. I'll also post links on the ESPN site for quick access.

League 1

1. The King's Crusaders (1-0) - FUCK!!!! It's only 1 week. It's only 1 week. Woody has absolutely no bench, but as long as his team is healthy it should be solid. Seriously though, what happened at the draft? I didn't think you drank that much, but after round 6 your draft took a nosedive. In the meantime, this is the team to beat. I'm sure after this blow up, he'll put up 87 points against Lady Luck.

2. Team Toliver (1-0) - New year, same story. As I stared at this team inebriated, I thought "prime candidate for relegation". Shows me what I know. Employing the same strategy of Tony G, Sproles, Manning, and a plethora of receivers, Yashar would probably clown the "experts" league. I really thought he'd be the first to break the 200 point barrier. Let's see if he can knock off his arch nemesis Mike Y in week 2.

3. Tequila Party Gnomes (0-1) - No, I haven't lost it. The fact is I'm honestly not that impressed with any of the other teams in the league. It's real close. In a tie, I defer to Peterson. If Trent Richardson, Roddy White, and Mike Wallace combine for 14 points in a week again, I'll shotgun a Natty Ice for old time's sake. Anyone want to take that bet? If everyone takes it, 17 people will shotgun a Natty Ice if it doesn't happen. If it does happen, well then I'll be shotgunning 17 Natty Ices and puking blood for 3 days as my body tries to fight kidney damage.

4. Dueling Pylons (0-1) - Maybe I'm just intoxicated and in denial, but let's do this. Every team has weaknesses, but if Chip Kelly ain't nothin to fuck with, this team is a serious contender. If you're gonna throw up a total dud, it's best to plan it for when your opponent drops 194. I need to stop betting on the Patriots and thinking Tommy Brady is good. Fucking Cutter.

5. Lady Luck (1-0) - Unreal, man. At 1:15 AM Eastern time, convicted juicer Brian Cushing picks off a Philip Rivers pass (who hasn't) and brings it back to the house to give Sam a 1 point victory. Lady Luck indeed. It's always a risky proposition to hitch your wagons to a Jay Cutler led team, but for once I actually think this team is decent. Trying to dispel the notion that you can never have enough white boys, Lady Luck is truly setting a precedent in the EFFL. Could conceivably start Eli, Danny Woodhead, Amendola, Welker, Jordan Cameron, Greg Olsen, and light skinned Lance Moore to form Sexual Vanilla. Should be a solid team.

6. Threeing the Hogs (0-1) - Real tough break for Mike Y. Looked to be in solid shape with just 10 minutes to play in the never ending Monday night idea that nobody can watch when another Woody struck yet again with a defensive TD on Monday night. Gambino knows all about this. Still not sure what to make of this team. I really think it's gonna be hard to be consistently good week in and week out. But the pieces are there. Ray Rice, Fitz, Jimmy Graham is a good start, but we'll see. Appropriately placed in the middle for now. If some of the complementary pieces can break out, there's definitely potential for improvement.

7. RGIII for President (0-1) - Lesson learned. Don't go to Africa and expect a drunk commissioner to draft you the best team. Marshawn Lynch should be better and help this team, and Aaron Rodgers is one of the most consistent players in Fantasy Football. A meeting of the minds with the Pylons in week 2 is going to send one of these teams to 0-2. Let's see what happens.

8. Tweeting In the Trenches (1-0) - AYYYY!!!! LOOKADISGUY!!!! HIYADONNNNN!!!!

I have nothing to say about this clown, other than the below:

As I noted in my post-draft blog, Fusco showed up at the draft with no cash as if the night came as a surprise. About a week later, I received this in the mail. What are you looking at, you ask?

1. Chris Fusco cannot get his own name on the family checks.

2. Jenna may or may not have paid his league fees, but she wrote out the entire check and signed her own name so Chris could send to the commissioner.

Let's try to imagine how this conversation played out.

Chris: Jenna, I need to pay league fees.

Jenna: I thought you won last year.

Chris: I did, but you have to pay every year and I put the winnings in our account.

Jenna: My account.

Chris: Right, so can you make me out a check?

Jenna: I don't like this one bit, Chris. Where's my fucking trophy?

Chris: Uhhhh, I forgot to take it with me.

Jenna: Shocker. Well I'm not paying again without a trophy.

Chris: Jenna, come ahn! Brandon's gonna be so pissed at me if I don't pay.

Jenna: Fine, I'll write you a check because I like Brandon, but if you lose money this year, you're cut off.

Chris: Thank you so much! I love you!

9. Tavon In 60 Seconds (1-0) - Ugh. I'm sad I had to put this team this high. An imitation TITTY, here we have TISSY, who has his team named for a player not even on his own team. This has to be a first. This just isn't a good team. As usual, had his best week in week 1 and will only go down from here. Makes fun of Vince Young, yet thinks Tony Romo-Frank Gore is the new dream team. Occupation: Intramural Basketball coach doesn't inspire much confidence. Prime candidate for relegation.

10. Stanky Monkeys (0-1) - Yikes. It's amazing to think that a team with Tron and Drew Brees is clearly the worst in the league, but that's the case here. Lone bright spot was Shane Verreen, and he's obviously immediately injured. This team might have a couple big weeks, but I can't see it happening on a consistent basis. The only silver lining here is that the other teams aren't all that great, so there's a chance. Already lost to the #9 team in the rankings. With a loss to #8, things may be dire.

League 2

1. The Darkest Norseman (0-1) - Despite losing his first game, dropped 155 points in his first getgo. While it is certainly a disappointing result, it is still very early. If Jordan Cameron turns out to be a big time player, this team will be stacked at pretty much every position. I liked this team the best coming out of the draft, and I still feel the same way now. Probably would have won if didn't get shitfaced and cancel on Sunday football due to hangover. Your complaining about the Redskins use of Roy Helu (2 touches) is just hilarious.

2. Game On Dick Bag (1-0) - Who knows if this name is here to stay, but it's intense. Sam is certainly the Bro-Lo El Cuñado of the League, and he's built a solid team. Perhaps if he decides to trade Shorts for Boxers and Wife Beater he'll end up the favorite. Still one of my favorite one-liners. Definitely the top contender to take down Dosh. Also, Sam puked on draft night bringing our success rate to 33% (4 of 12).

3. EEB Ventura (1-0) - Got a huge win against a tough opponent. Probably due to the incredible team name. We all know that EEB is going to end up stuck in League 2 again next year (or demoted to League 3), but it's fun while it lasts. The most ironic thing here is the connection to Woody's team. Each employs Colin Kaepernick and A.J. Green, so their success is largely tied to the other. How does EEB feel knowing that to root for himself is also to root for Woody? Don't be surprised to see A.J. on the waiver wire come Wednesday.

4. Street Pige (0-1) - Came up just short in his bid to chase down the Eskimo Brothers. A heartbreaking loss for Young Meech. I need to be skeptical of overrating this team like last year. Looked good on paper, but just couldn't get the job done. Week 1 was more of the same. But with the path cleared for Stevan Ridley, this team could get dangerous in a hurry. In-season management here is key. Consistently made poor lineup decisions last year. Let's see if older and wiser pays off.

5. Bo$$town Beasts (1-0) - Cutty and Ben hung out post draft drinking beers and playing a game of Tit with each other. They bonded. First game of the season Cutty laughs in Ben's face as Manning drops 7 TDs in his grill. Spiller and MJD did nothing, Jordy was left on the bench, and he still put up 140+. This team has potential, and maybe at #5 is a little underrated.

6. Super Eskimo Brothers (1-0) - Held on Monday night and got his first EFFL win. Yet another team with Drew Brees that ends up pretty low in the power rankings. But with a decent stable of running backs, Julio Jones and Victor Cruz, you can expect some big weeks. Got a solid week 1 win, but definitely has some holes. Overall I think pretty decent job.

7. Catfood and Lavender (0-1) - It's never a good idea to create a team name to torment your opponent. I've done it before and it never works out  I'm on the fence. On one hand, put up a very solid week despite some poor performances from some big players. On the other, can you expect some of these guys to do the same thing week in and week out? I think your week was officially doomed when you canceled on Sunday football for bed delivery.

At least you got Manning Face

8. Jersey Leshoure (0-1) - Odd man out at this point. Tons of rookies but who knows if they'll contribute. I can't endorse a team that starts James Jones and Fred Davis in week 1. I don't think it's a coincidence that the only guy who didn't make it to Bar 2 after the draft also has the worst team. We're also renaming League rule 2.G "The Lobitz Rule". It reads:

"In the event that a League Member cannot complete a draft due to massive alcohol consumption, the previously made picks will stand. The rest of the member's draft will be selected by the rest of the league".

I truly cannot wait to forget Week 1 and move on to Week 2. There's a lot at stake in League 1 already. Remember, that if you do not reach the playoffs, you will enter the relegation ladder, which is a 4 team elimination tournament. Only the winner will stay in League 1 while the other 3 will drop to League 2.

I apologize for declining humor throughout the blog as my buzz has faded and it's almost 1 A.M. I hope you enjoyed the return of the blog and hope to provide some more humor soon. If you've spent more time reading than enjoying the link at the beginning of the blog, I applaud you.

See you in Week 2.

B