Nobody wants to read this. But there is some irony here:
What did you just watch? You just watched Dosh's favorite player, Jordy Nelson, drop the pass that would have sent him to the championship. Had Jordy caught it and gone all the way, it would be Dosh in the finals and not Woody.
This year sucks. It's Woody v. Fusco in the finals. Fusco is going for the 3-Peat. Woody going for his 4th EFFL title in his unprecedented 7th championship game. Everyone is pissed. Tatz put up 144 and it wasn't good enough.
Did I say we're going to a Bills game next year? I meant Lions:
RG3 had the worst call in the history of the NFL against him wipe out a TD. Santana Moss stabbed a referee. They'll probably beat the Eagles.
Poor Tatz. Anyway, I hope both Fusco and Woody lose, and someone else is somehow crowned champion. But more importantly, it will be one of those two that has the final say in the costume Yashar will wear to the 2015 EFFL Draft. Couple that with the new trophy, and there is a ton at stake. I'm not going to make a pick, because I don't want to. Lucky you got this blog.
Lots of other exciting football news. DeMarco Murray has a new nickname. He is now forever known as "Spray Tan". But DeMarco isn't alone in banging other dude's girls. Apparently Russell Wilson has stolen Joseph Fauria's girlfriend. Not a good look.
As I watched the 49ers get clowned by the Raiders and Colin Kaepernick ruin his career, I wondered how many fights there would be. It was inevitable. I've found at least 5 on the internet today. At a tailgate, in the stands, I just don't get it. Why are you fighting?
But the funniest thing was Cam Newton doing the Superman celebration and sparking a brawl. Curtis Lofton didn't like it, bumped Newton, and Cam's response was priceless. He looked at him like "Bro, I'm celebrating! What are you doing?!?!?"
And if you haven't seen this Vine, you need to:
I passed on this guy for Reggie Bush. Idiot.
But I take it back. The absolute funniest thing was Jeff Fisher sending out the entire haul the Rams got in the RG3 trade for the coin toss. Grade A trolling. The Redskins suck.
I'll keep this short and sweet.
The King's Crusaders obviously upset the Pork Chop Express. Ben finishes with no money from this season. That Eric Decker snooze proved to cost you at least $100. Le'Veon Bell dropped 47 points and is most likely the fantasy MVP. Going double Steelers has proven to be one of the smartest moves all season. Woody will move on and take on Dosh in the semis.
Meanwhile, Team Bartholomew went ahead and obliterated two time champ Stanky Monkeys. Tatz was sitting on my couch laughing at how good his team was. At 2:45 he was about to crack 130 points. AJ Green and Cam Newton just kept pouring it on. He showed no remorse for the beating. Hopefully the fantasy gods do not punish you in the semifinals. But the good news is that you are in the money. The Stanky Monkeys put up an unprecedented 171 points in defeat. You win that game 49 times out of 50. Tough luck all season.
But the game of the week was clearly between TITTY and Bo$$town Cutter. At one point Sunday afternoon, the game was projected to end 156-155. While that did not pan out, it came close. TITTY put up 122 points, and had a 30 point lead heading into Monday night with just Eddie Lacy remaining for Cutter. Lacy exploded in the first half, immediately putting Fusco on the ropes. Lacy brought Cutty to within 3 points, injured himself, and was unable to continue. The two time champ is still alive.
Semifinals #1 DA BEARDS v. #7 The King's Crusaders
While Dosh finished the regular season atop the standings, he is no doubt the underdog in this matchup. ESPN, while clueless, has him at almost a 40 point underdog. And who can blame them. Woody has the #1 RB and #1 WR, and that's not even including McCoy or Maclin. But Dosh's Rodgers/Lynch combo has panned out, and it is right up there with the Steelers duo. When these teams met back in Week 8, Woody unloaded to the tune of 187 points. While I don't expect another 89 point victory, I would be very surprised to see a Dosh win. I expect Woody to get back to the title game after a two year absence.
Commish Pick: The King's Crusaders
#5 Team Bartholomew v. #6 Tweeting in the Trenches
This is going to be a good one. A classic ehhhhyoudee battle with Tatz v Fusco. I don't know how Chris did it, but he did. I'm not going to lie, I wrote everything but the game previews prior to Tuesday, including the above lines: "At 2:45 he was about to crack 130 points. AJ Green and Cam Newton just kept pouring it on. He showed no remorse for the beating. Hopefully the fantasy gods do not punish you in the semifinals."
Tuesday morning, Cam Newton's truck overturned 4 times and he had to be stretchered to the hospital. I had no idea how serious you'd be punished. If he can't go, it's a big question at QB. I really can't believe Fusco is still in it starting Ryan Mathews, Boom Herron and LeGarrette Blount. That ain't right. But he does not wanna give up that trophy, and I fear Tatz may have jumped the gun in round 1. I'm predicting a final between teams that have 5 of the 9 EFFL Championships.
Commish Pick: Tweeting in the Trenches
Good luck to the final 4. Remember, if you lose you get $100. If you win, you're playing for the big bucks. $700 to first place. $300 to second. If Woody wins it all, he'll collect $850 between that and the high score prize. Don't let that happen. Also, this is entirely contingent on Yashar paying his league fees. Good luck to all.
There are no members. It looked possible Sunday that an EFFL member might finally hit 200 points. Woody needed just 10 points from Travis Kelce to do it, and he could only muster 6. In 10 seasons, it's never happened. Instead he had to settle for 196, taking over the points title, and taking EEB's playoff spot. I think he'll be OK. EEB still won $50 as 2nd high score, but not much consolation.
When asked about the performance, Kelce had this to say: "I missed the EEB/Woody rivalry. This is for you EEB."
The regular season has concluded. I'll be shocked if half of you even read this thing. With that being said, I'll try to keep this short and sweet. Nothing funny happens in football anymore. Now that it's crunch time, you don't see Browns fans puking on themselves. But this is damn close:
See, I was joking. Football is still hilarious. And tailgating is the best thing ever. Next fall, boys weekend. Everyone invited. Cutter only if you come solo. We're going to a Bills game to freeze our asses off. It'll be glorious.
I don't have any more beef. I'm over fantasy football. Here's what's going on for the playoffs. Keep in mind, the lowest remaining seed will play Dosh. The other two teams will play each other.
#1 DA BEARDS (9-4): Limped into playoffs following losses to bottom feeders Sam and Yashar. Only got the #1 seed because Ben fell asleep like an old man on a Sunday afternoon and forgot to take Eric Decker out of his lineup. You won by 1 point. That mistake gave you the bye. If Woody wins, you're in trouble next week.
#2 Pork Chop Express (9-4) v. #7 The King's Crusaders (7-6)
It took 2 wins in the final 2 weeks, but Woody made the playoffs to keep his unblemished record alive. 10 seasons, 10 years making the playoffs. Remarkable. Ben can't be happy with this draw given his napping mentioned above. Woody has now cracked 185 points twice this season. He also cracked 150 another time. And all of that is since Week 8. But the Express has been very solid, and I'd argue almost as hot as the King. They've cracked 130 in 5 of the final 6 weeks, and now Josh Gordon is back and Isaiah Crowell has the RB job. Don't be surprised to face Johnny Football in the playoffs. This is the game of the week for sure.
Commish Pick: Pork Chop Express in a close one.
#3 Bo$$town Cutter (8-5) v. #6 Tweeting in the Trenches (7-6)
Chris texted me in panic Sunday night demanding to know playoff scenarios and if the Week 13 matchup mattered. It mattered not, because you two will meet again in the playoffs. I love when teams play back to back weeks. Billz unloaded in Week 13, and it could have been even worse if he didn't leave his boy Fleener on the bench. He's been trying to deal him all season. But sometimes the best trades are the ones you don't make. It's a big responsibility for you here, Cutty. Facing the two-time defending champ. If you want your name on the trophy, you have to take it from the guy holding it. I wouldn't be surprised to see this go either way. It should be a good one. I'll side with the defending champ here to move on.
Commish Pick: Tweeting in the Trenches #4 Stanky Monkeys (8-5) v. #5 Team Bartholomew (7-5-1)
Very interesting matchup here. Tatz finally got the win he needed to get in. He was 6-1 after 7 weeks and completely fell apart down the stretch. Conversely, Lou won his final 3, including a critical week 13 matchup to get in. But that doesn't really tell the whole story. These teams have put up similar points all season. They met all the way back in week 1, and Tatz won 132-130. If both teams score 130+ again I will be very, very surprised. I need to see something out of Team Bartholomew at the QB position. If that happens, I think they win. If not, I think the Stanky Monkeys go through. Yet another close matchup. If the winner gets Dosh, it will be a gift.
Commish Pick: Stanky Monkeys
And before we leave, I'll leave with some parting words for each team.
8. A Lot O'Tatz (6-6-1): Epic meltdown to miss the playoffs. Was 5-2 and finished the season 1-4-1. How close was it? Had you just scored 1 more point against Tatz and beaten him instead of tying, it would've been you in the playoffs at 7-6 and Woody on the outside looking in. 1 point ruined your season. Just like 1 point knocked Ben out of #1. It's a cruel world in fantasy football. 2nd highest scoring team and didn't make the playoffs. Ironic that you had a lot o' Tatz, and in the end it was too much Tatz that kept you out. See you in 2015.
9. Geno 911 (6-7): The opportunity was there in Week 13 to win and get in, but ultimately you pooped your pants and scored 82 against Lou. Your team has stunk all season, and it finally came to fruition. Your prized possession, Jimmy Graham, didn't even draw a target in your most important game. The good news is that you have some pretty solid keepers in Forsett and LaFell. Under the radar guys who have been solid all year. You and I made the same mistake. Didn't draft young enough. I'll learn from that mistake.
10. Big Brother's Bitch (6-7): Tough year all around. I think your roster is solid, but total inconsistency all year ultimately led to your demise. Your spreadsheet gave you Andre Ellington. It also gave you Toby Gerhart and Pierre Garcon. But if CJ Anderson is the real deal, that's huge for keeper purposes. Starting with him and Lamar Miller could be big. You're always in it, and I'm sure you'll be back.
11. Dueling Pylons (5-8): Terrible year for the Pylons. The real problem was the draft. The draft was basically complete garbage. Peterson, Reggie Bush, Patterson and Michael Floyd were this team's "building blocks". It's a miracle I didn't end up in last. Don't worry, tho. I'm coming back strong next year. I'm not drafting old running backs. I'm not drafting unproven receivers. It doesn't work. I was fucked up, and I started making better picks. That's not a coincidence. Look out in 2015.
12. The Smokin' Jays (5-8): Jamaal Charles was a good pick. Everything else was pretty bad. Rashad Jennings injury basically sealed your fate. Made a total of 8 moves all season. Given your roster, you would think that more would be necessary. Lack of commitment to the EFFL hurt this team. Lucky to avoid the costume.
13. Tequila Party Gnomes (4-9): Rough 2014 for TPG. Rolled out a beast of a 3 headed monster at RB. They all got injured. Traded for Ahmad Bradshaw. Got injured. QB Nick Foles was also injured. In a 14 team league, when you lose 4 RBs and a QB, you've got virtually no shot. It sucks. Yashar feels your pain. Come back strong in 2015.
14. Team Toliver (3-10): PAY YOUR LEAGUE FEES!!!!!
Good luck in Week 14. I'll be back with a preview for the semifinals next week.
