Big Scores for League's Best

Another week in the books, and damn does football suck this season. Has nothing to do at all with the fact that the Pylons are 0-3. Nothing. I can't even find funny tailgate pictures this week, which is shocking because the Browns hosted the Raiders. What else is there to do other than drink? My favorite TD combo hooked up: McCown-Barnidge. It's like a law firm that only deals with personal injury and has infomercials. Dial 888-SHITBROWNS.

I've seen things saying Browns throw a good tailgate. That's a load of horseshit. Every Browns fan is a fat slob. Oh look at this fat guy passed out with no puke on him! Weak. Look at this guy peeing on a dumpster! Weak. Look at these smoking hot biddies chugging fireball. Sike!!! There are no hot biddies anywhere near Cleveland. That's the last place you should ever go for anything. Especially a tailgate.

We had a good one this week finally! King v Dosh raged into the night while many slept. It looked like a sure victory for TWINECTOMY with James Jones laying the wood. King was cursing himself yet AGAIN. "Why did I have to get all Chiefs? Why did I trust Reid?" I have no fucking clue. That's stupid. 

Maclin had a big goose at the half. Woody was down like 40 points. It was over. But somehow, he started to claw his way back. Rodgers was peppering the Chiefs with TD passes. 5 of em. And the Chiefs just kept hammering back and hammering back. Maclin TD. Kelce 2 point conversion. Next thing you know, Woody is only down by about 12. And the Chiefs are throwing nonstop. On a 4th and 17, Maclin catches the ball for 16 yards. He's somehow awarded a first down. Dosh is irate with just 2 minutes to play.

Chiefs are driving and Maclin is unstoppable. He catches an 8 yard pass on 1st and 10 to cut the Dosh lead to 3! Inexplicably, Andy decides to burn a timeout on 2nd and 2 from the Packers 10 yard line. Just eats those things up like they're fucking sauseeges. Dosh is clutching himself, knowing the Chiefs are knocking on his door. He's thrown a huge bone, as Jamaal Charles scores a TD to preserve the lead. Maclin is stuck on 28 points, all from the 2nd half.

But the Chiefs get the ball back for one final shot for the King. Instead of getting it with 1:15 left, there are only 30 seconds left because Andy needed a snack and ate that damn timeout. 1st down, Alex Smith fires for Maclin over the middle who falls down. Would have been close to tying the game. Smith is sacked on the final play and Dosh escapes. Woody's 3 players put up 81 points Monday night, and it fell just short. What a wild finish.

And the coolest thing to happen on Sunday was Papelboner fighting Bryce Harper in a dugout like baseball actually matters. RUN OUT THAT POP FLY BRO!!! WHO CARES IF WE'RE ELIMINATED AND IT'S GAME 154 of 162?!?!?! But I'm going to jump right into my beef this week. Because I'm left baffled.

Beef of the Week: Game Length

For years, I've operated under the assumption that a football game took 3 hours. If it was extra close, it could sometime extend another half hour or so. Turns out, that's bullshit. Some jagoff with fireworks (probably JPP) blew up the 4 yard line at the Edward Jones Dome right before kickoff. They brought out a damn shopvac from 1982 to suck up the debris. Game was delayed. Rams linemen were doing exercises to keep their groins loose. This undoubtedly led to the explosion of B.Berger's MCL.

Anyway, this game didn't kick off til after 1:30. I was forced to continue to wait for Gurley's debut. Despite this over half hour delay, this game went into halftime before Eagles-Jets. How in the world does this happen?!?!? With a half hour delay, they barely took over an hour to play the half. I want to see that all the time. We've been sucked into this 3 hour nonsense, when in fact a game really can be played in less than two and a half. Let's have two rounds of games: a 2 and a 430 and be done. Trust me, I'm not drinking less with games only from 2-7. But it's no less exciting. In fact it might even be more exciting without the delays. The NFL is sucking up our time for damn advertisements. It ain't right. BOTW.

We have some interesting developments in the league as teams begin to assert themselves. Phil has taken the league by storm, and his multi-year hiatus appears to have paid dividends. But losing your QB hurts. Who knows if he'll be able to keep up the hot start?

I also wanted to propose a league gathering in NYC to watch football on a Sunday. Click the link below and you can vote for as many weekends as you want. Would love to do a get together and just go buck wild in a bar as I fall to 0-8. Will pick whatever date the most people are in for. Furious clapping in people's faces is a must.

Click the link for the poll

Power Rankings

14. Dueling Pylons (0-3 - Last week 11): The reaction to seeing this roster is exactly what Adam Sandler did in Billy Madison when he sees Ernie's pissed himself.

No depth. No starters. Just a damn mess of a squad. When will this team win its first game? Who fucking knows.

13. Geno 911 (1-2 - Last week 12): As expected, got clobbered by the top team. I think this team may be even worse than mine, but it's tough to tell. At least has Jamaal Charles to salvage something. That's as of this writing. He'll probably be injured on Monday night. It's a helpless feeling with bare bones on the bench. But at least Gambino is at Oktoberfest and probably slamming tons of dudes. He's winning the league on that front. Better doppelganger?

Either way, Gambino looks like an absolutely terrible quarterback. And is possibly black.

12. The King's Crusaders (1-2 - Last week 13): Moved up kinda by default, but make no mistake, part of the bottom 4. Couldn't even take advantage of a matchup against Dosh who was hurling expletives in my ear at Mike Evans all day. I honestly don't know how you make it back with that roster. It may not be too late to go to the well: get EEB drunk and rub him raw. Picked a good year to have a kid lol.

11. TWINECTOMY (1-2 - Last week 14): We're really splitting hairs at the bottom here. The bottom 4 are a clear bottom 4 at this point. Thanks for leaving me as the last team without a win. What I find most alarming about your performance Sunday (other than your Columbia windbreaker which was three sizes too small), is the complete lack of awareness as to players playing. Locked in to the Panthers to yell at Ted Ginn and totally missed Vernon Davis and Martellus Bennett doing absolutely nothing for you, it's that bad. I've been there. I'm sure I'll be there again pretty soon.

10. Tweeting in the Trenches (0-2-1 - Last week 9): It's weird. You look at this roster and you're like what the fuck?!? bELL, odELL, donnELL, lafELL,and emanuELL, and you think to yourself the obvious: Chris has failed miserably at having a team with everyone named Eli. If I'm TITTY, I wouldn't be happy with being felt up by repeated opposition. You have 3 good players and that's it. Will it be enough? Will you find the complementary pieces in time? Might have to get that trophy patched up sooner than later.

9. Mo$$town Cutter (1-2 - Last week 6): Nothing like rolling a blunt at 8 AM on your birthday, opening your fantasy squad, and seeing your receivers are Aaron Dobson and Dexter McCluster. Got an unbelievable game from Chris Johnson and it still didn't matter one bit. You were never going to win this week, but still. Just get all the Patriots. Roster has gotten very thin. Need all those doobie brothers back.

8. The Old Sack Tap (2-1 - Last week 10): Mike Y consistently defies the rankings. Julio is having basically the best season in history, but I really don't think he keeps up the 40 PPG pace. I could be wrong. I'd probably trade him for pieces to a team like the Pylons. I'm sure EEB wishes he never yelled at you "YOU DON'T TRADE JULIO" as he ravaged him again and again. Needs a running back desperately as I've said.

7. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-2 - Last week 7): Fucker. Left my ass like this:

6. Team Bartholomew (2-1 - Last week 2): I went from ecstatic to much concern. Kaepernick looked like Gambino (aka garbage). Big Ben went down which is going to hurt Antonio. Jeremy Hill is a colossal bust. Andy Dalton had a classic redhead moment and forgot that he loves tight end. Guy in my other league was texting me about the "Red Rocket". Dalton's nickname is the "Red Rifle". "Red Rocket" is what dogs get when they're horny. I digress. Only consolation for bad lineup decisions is that you had no shot to win.

5. A Lot O'Tatz (0-2-1 - Last week 3): Alarmingly high for a team without a win. But you're scoring points. I think you have a pretty solid team, and you know you haven't seen the best of Luck yet. Got a nice stretch coming up with Gambino and the Pylons. Definitely make or break time. You can't lose to those scrubs and expect to compete. Can't believe you started two Titans. I don't think anyone's ever done that in EFFL history.

4. Pork Chop Express (3-0 - Last week 8): Threatened to quit the league if he lost to Cutter. Reasonable effort from the squad. Certainly in the mix, but I think there are some better teams out there at this point.

Could this guy be any more Philly? Tailgating with a jersey of a player no longer on the team, wearing a lei despite it being less than 70 degrees, and refusing to put down his Miller Lite can to whack a rubber Tony Romo with breasts. What are those, cargo pants?

Click here for the version with sound Striking fear into the hearts of... basically nobody.

3. Team BG (2-1 - Last week 5): If only every week were that easy. Solid top to bottom. Injury bug has finally bitten, however. Kicker Cody Parkey has been lost for the year. Blew up for over 150 and left 27 from LeGarrette on the bench. Still alarms me that there's a guy named Blount on the Patriots and he's not on Cutter's team. Still carrying Montee Ball, which is hilarious. Because he's not even on a team.

2. Stanky Monkeys (3-0 - Last week 4): I'm one of those assholes that never takes a defense or kicker early. I think it's stupid. And then I look at my special teams scoring 4 points and look at Stanky Monkeys dropping 35. I'm an idiot as usual. Dropped 170 and the bench put up another 100. That's a good sign. I don't see any reason for this team not to beat the pants off of the Pylons next week.

1. Cecil Had It Coming (3-0 - Last week 1): I know you're thinking it:

Had DeAngelo drop 40 last week. Plugs in Devonta Freeman and he scores 42. But will you roll with Teddy now that Big Ben has gone down? But outside of Freeman, the team did look mortal. But there's no doubt that the top scoring team without Arian Foster, Alshon Jeffery, and Victor Cruz is scary. Definite opportunity to deal for a QB and strengthen the squad.


And I know you didn't see this coming, but I'm not done with the beef. I got some mo!

Beef of the Week - Special Edition (a.k.a. BOWSE) : Miami Dolphins

Joe Philbin is a fucking moron. I don't even have any Dolphins! But they hate Lamar Miller. 7 carries against Buffalo. Did the #2 Damien Williams get more carries? Nope, just 2. Who got the most carries? Jonas Gray, who they signed off the fucking street. Lamar Miller ran for 1,100 yards last year! But they absolutely REFUSE to give him the ball.

And they have just the absolute worst talent evaluation department in the league. It's not even close. Ryan Tannehill is a straight joke. He's barely in the discussion for top half of QBs in the league. Jarvis Landry "catches everything". Guy couldn't be less athletic. DeVante Parker? Going to be a huge bust. They used a first rounder on Parker, a second rounder on Landry, and Tannehill is out there chucking it up to Rishard Matthews and Jake Stoneburner (future Cutter team member). And there you have Philbin just staring into space like he's the damn white bitch from Men in Black.

They got straight GOONED by the Bills at home, and it was hilarious. I hope it's not too soon to get a Tyrod jersey. Philbin couldn't have less of a clue what he's doing. I have no idea how he's lasted this long. It's embarrassing that a team that has invested that many high picks on offensive players can't get a thing going.

Although... the Browns last 3 offensive first round picks were Johnny Manziel, Trent Richardson, and Brandon Weeden. That's fucking awful.


Week 4 Schedule

#1 Cecil Had It Coming v. #8 The Old Ball Sack
#2 Stanky Monkeys v. #14 Dueling Pylons
#3 Team BG v. #4 Pork Chop Express
#5 A Lot O'Tatz v. #13 Geno 911
#6 Team Bartholomew v. #10 Tweeting in the Trenches
#7 Tequila Party Gnomes v. #11 TWINECTOMY
#9 Bo$$town Cutter v. #12 The King's Crusaders

Don't forget to vote in the poll for a league get together. You can vote for multiple dates, which is no problem for me. Looking forward to getting bent over yet again in Week 4.

Major Concerns in the League

We have our first tie! And of course, again, it's EEB. He picked up some garbage Andrew Luck points on Monday night at the death to equalize. Just remember, all scores are not final until Thursday morning, so if there is a scoring change, the result could be affected.

This was a straight up brutal week of football. It leaves many questioning the state of the game. Has the NFL gone the way of the shit stain? Stinky, and bound to leave a mark. I know there are injuries every year, but this year seems to be almost the worst yet. Romo is out. Cutler is out. Josh McCown perished in last week's blog. Drew Brees may have a shoulder injury. Peyton Manning has a noodle arm. And that's just QBs!

Dez, Jordy, Mike Evans, TY, Alshon, and Kelvin Benjamin are all out or banged up. That's 6 of the 21 1,000 yard receivers from last year. And it's only Week 2! There are so many fucking injuries that the product on the field has become absolute garbage.

Beef of the Week: Stripes with yellow hankies

OMG that Eagles/Cowboys game. There were 26 penalties accepted. There were another 2 declined. That's 28 penalties called in a damn 60 minute game! And assuming not every one of those was only seen by one official, it's fair to estimate that there were 40 penalty flags thrown in the game. That's disgusting. I don't think I've ever remembered turning off a 10 point game in the 4th quarter. It was fucking unwatchable. They need to chill the shit with the flags. I get false start is unavoidable. If a guy's offsides, he's offsides. But the holding and the illegal contact have to go. The game sucks, and I'm actually considering watching RedZone instead for the foreseeable future. But hey, the Bills are back.

http://bustedcoverage.com/2015/09/20/a-season-with-buffalo-bills-fans-burning-brady-jersey-bat-bill-more-puking-week-two/

And they missed some glorious moments:

Can't beat bills fans. Unreal. pic.twitter.com/8KaxcYSnGo

— Jimbo (@RowleyJimmy) September 20, 2015

The Bills are awesome. They suck, but they're awesome. There's truly nothing like that Pats @ Bills game in September every year when the Bills think they're good to go and proceed to get stomped by the Pats. They lost 40-32. Last year they lost 37-22. The year before that 23-21. The year before that 52-28. They actually won the year before that 34-31. The year before that 34-3. It's remarkable. In the last 6 home games against the Pats, they've allowed 217 points, for an average of 36 points per game. Incredible.

I also saw some very interesting stats about Carson Palmer. In his last 16 games, he's 14-2 with 4,500 yards passing and 32 TDs. That's damn impressive. They never play any good teams, but that's beside the point! There are so many bad teams in the league, and as I said, the product has gone way down. Honestly, who's good other than the Pats and Packers? Maybe the Steelers? I don't know if you can even look at more than that and say to yourself, "Man that's a good team!" The only solution is bars and alcohol.

But man, check out THIS catch by Double G's. You might have to click through to peep it.

Let's get to the POWER RANKINGS

14. TWINECTOMY (0-2 - Last week 9): For some reason, I moved Dosh up last week despite him having the fewest amount of points. He responds by starting 3 Wide Receivers who combine for 1 catch. Put up a dismal 68 points and got slapped in the face by The Old Ball Sack. Nobody likes testes to the face, except WWE wrestlers. And dudes who like those things. Scoring just 151 points through 2 weeks is a huge problem. And it's not like it's due to bad lineup decisions either. Might as well go ahead and change the name to Team Boobiak, because nothing makes you happier than picking his players and yelling about what an idiot he is.

13. The King's Crusaders (1-1 - Last week 11): Right back towards the bottom. King texted me in a god damn frenzy, ripping his own team. How could I be so stupid?!?!?!? My team is terrible! Put the King in last in the power rankings. Although you tried hard, we have another team trying harder. Losing to Geno 911 is never a good look. Ever. You know he's gonna put up between 90 and 110 points every single week. That's your target. I traded Luck to get some pieces. Maybe dealing Rodgers or Jimmy Graham isn't the worst thing in the world. At least you have a win under your belt and get Dosh next week.

12. Geno 911 (1-1 - Last week 14): Got a win and moved up, but lost both quarterbacks. Ouch. Actually had a pretty solid week other than that, but my concerns as always are it looks like your team did great, and your point total still wasn't anything to be proud of. I do think there are worse teams out there, and as I said to King, just keep piling up those wins. You unfortunately have it much rougher against the top team in the league. And he could have Foster, Cruz and Jeffery back. Could be in for a rough one.

11. Dueling Pylons (0-2 - Last week 12): Not that this team is really that much better, if at all, than any of the teams below, but can at least see some potential. Scores look a lot different when your kicker and defense combine for 30 points as opposed to 6. And losing a guy to injury during a game is balls. But Gurley is sitting on the bench ready to unleash on unsuspecting defenses. And with some of the young guys getting better, this team looks like it's at least capable of a promising future. But that was always the concern. Would the team be good enough at the beginning of the year? Currently, the answer looks like no.

10. The Old Ball Sack (1-1 - Last week 10): Yet another disappointing performance. Julio can only do so much, and he's done a hell of a lot. He's got 60 of your barely over 200 points in two weeks. But how bout that Matt Jones? I have to imagine... actually, I don't even want to imagine what was going on in the Young household when Jones went off against the Rams supposedly stout run defense. I think there's a pretty big gap between the bottom 4 and this team, but the complementary pieces have to do something. If Julio has a pedestrian game it's going to be a struggle to reach 100.

9. Tweeting in the Trenches (0-1-1 - Last week 13): I swear, man. Every time I knock Fusco down he comes right back up. And this ranking might be a little low. The trio of Brady, Odell and Le'Veon is going to be ridiculous. The bench is pretty bare, but I know Chris couldn't give a shit. He's going to fill his lineup with garbage and watch them go off. I have nothing else to say about this team.

8. Pork Chop Express (2-0 - Last week 2): Turns out, this team isn't what we expected. Largely because the Eagles are so bad. But has the aforementioned Carson Palmer, which is a good sign. Allen Robinson obviously had a career day against me. Keenan Allen, the best receiver in the league, put up 1 point. Abudllah with 1 point. I think this is a good team still, but it's not as dominant as I expected. I want to see consistency, and I haven't seen it yet from this team.

7. Tequila Party Gnomes (0-2 - Last week 6): Ran into a red hot Stanky Monkeys, and that's just balls. Again, similar to PCE, I want to see some consistency. Austin Seferian-Jenkins was a ghost, and Melvin Gordon has started awfully slow. It's a shame that ridiculous Larry Fitz game went to waste. But I think you're in OK shape. The Seahawks are going to just demolish the Bears, so good thing you get the Pylons next week. I'll just go fuck myself.

6. Mo$$town Cutter (1-1 - Last week 8): Missing Dez, Martavis, and Gates is pretty rough. You go into the season all ready to go, and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend. You won't have to start Jerricho Cotchery or Chris Johnson for long. A couple of waiver wire adds, the guys back from suspension, and you'll be fine. Played a team that was scalding hot.

5. Team BG (1-1 - Last week 4): Dropped off a little more than I'd like to see, but you had absolutely no shot this week. It's good to use up those bad weeks instead of dropping 150 and losing. Who would've thought Derek Carr would be clowning Brees? Had a ton of points on the bench, and it's only a matter of time until the lineup decisions sort themselves out. Your receiver trio of Demaryius, Hopkins and Landry is probably the best in the league. I'm not all that concerned.

4. Stanky Monkeys (2-0 - Last week 7): Can't complain with a 2-0 start, and perhaps things ended up better than I initially thought. Edelman may end the season with 200 catches. Huge week, easy win, and very solid team. The lack of big name star power does irk me a little bit, but I think that can be easily overcome. My real concern is the age of the roster. Will they hold up over the length of the season? It also sucks than Ryan Mathews is completely worthless.

3. A Lot O'Tatz (0-1-1 - Last week 5): Pulled off a huge mid-week trade, but it was the other guys that pitched in. Used Doug Baldwin who miraculously scored 22 points. But losing Eddie Lacy hurts a lot, especially when you just dealt some depth. Hopefully for you it's not too long of an injury. You're going to need to start getting some more production before the bye weeks hit. There's also really not much of a gap that I see between here and #8. So I wouldn't feel overly confident with this ranking.

2. Team Bartholomew (2-0 - Last week 3): Got two 0's in the lineup and still put up almost 140. That's unbelievable. I have to say that I'm awful impressed with this roster. I wouldn't be surprised if Gambino isn't eyeing one of those QBs sitting on your bench. Antonio Brown is completely unstoppable. He should've been the #1 pick in the draft. Terrance Williams is now the #1 guy, so he's in a prime spot. Imagine when you get Julius back. Good matchup with BG next week. Definitely one I'm looking forward to.

1. Cecil Had It Coming (2-0 - Last week 1): I haven't played Candy Crush in over 4 months, but damn I might have to get back into it. After dropping 144 last week, put up 178 with a defense getting negative points. And has Foster, Cruz and Alshon sitting on the bench! I was a hater on the Raiders, and I can't believe it worked out. Puts DeAngelo in, gets 30 points. Picks up Dion Lewis, 23 points. Throw in Gronk, Witten and Roethlisberger, and this is your team to beat. Cecil did not have it coming, you monster. And is going to absolutely unload on Geno 911. Might be a 50 points favorite.


Week 3

The teams that are 0-2 are hilarious. And we already have our first toilet bowl in Week 3 with King v. Dosh. If I'm sitting at 0-2 (I am), there are a bunch of good teams that look relentless. But the bubble is weak! Anybody can sneak in as the at-large.

A couple reminders:

- Top 7 make the playoffs, with only first place getting a bye.
- Players cannot be added after 1 PM Sunday. I'm pretty sure everyone is aware at this point, but always helps to remind.

#1 Cecil Had It Coming v. #12 Geno 911
#2 Team Bartholomew v. #5 Team BG
#3 A Lot O'Tatz v. #10 The Old Ball Sack
#4 Stanky Monkeys v. #9 Tweeting in the Trenches
#6 Mo$$town Cutter v. #8 Pork Chop Express
#7 Tequila Party Gnomes v. #12 Dueling Pylons
#13 The King's Crusaders v. #14 TWINECTOMY


Going to 0-3 would be a disaster, yet it's a mathematical certainty for one of TPG and the Pylons.

Week 1 Leaves Few Surprises

We are BACK! And as is frequently the case with the start of football (you can check past blogs to confirm), I'm cursing the damn sport within minutes. I've been STARVING for football, and I just take it on the chin constantly. It's a given that I will play the high score in Week 1. It happens every year, and I'm no longer surprised, but it's always a sickening feeling to see the Bengals pound your BH relentlessly. I never did anything to them. I actually went to trivia a couple years ago, and they questioned about Bengals history. I was all over it. I never did anything to that sad franchise, but nevertheless I'm a helpless bottom. Just receiving 4 separate times.

Every year you see something new and think to yourself "Man, I've never seen that before". This happened about 10 minutes into football, as Josh McCown was spun over 180 degrees by a diving head shot.

This evoked memory of the Sage Rosenfels whirlybird, but at least Sage took a shot to the body. This was helmet on helmet. Yikes.

Also, this is Gronk's girlfriend: https://instagram.com/camillekos/. Sorry if you're reading this on the toilet and went for an unexpected morning dip.

And I say it every single year. We HAVE TO GO TO A BILLS TAILGATE. This type of thing happens at every home game! This guy is a hero!



I'm going to get straight into the beef of the week, as I'm about to go on a serious rant.

Beef of the Week: DFS

I'd honestly be surprised if all 14 members even knew what it stood for. Apparently DFS stands for "Daily Fantasy Sports". I don't think so. In my mind, it stands for "Dumb Fucking Shit". This community appears to be gaining steam, and for the love of God I hope it is stopped sooner than later. The two main culprits here are DraftKings and FanDuel. You've heard of both of them. The reason being they spend more money on advertising than I ever knew was possible. If you watch football, it is a proven fact that 72% of all advertisements are for one of these companies. They sponsor EVERYTHING. It's not just like a normal company who advertises. Here are some things sponsored by one of these companies:

- This replay brought to you by DraftKings
- This flying header brought to you by FanDuel.
- This coaches challenge brought to you by FanDuel.
- This pylon, brought to you by DraftKings.
- This goalpost, brought to you by FanDuel.
- This hashmark, brought to you by DraftKings.
- This jockstrap brought to you by FanDuel.

I'm not even exaggerating. I was coming off the subway the other day, and the fucking turnstile is wrapped in a DraftKings ad. You can't even see the train times on the boards in Penn Station because of the gigantic FanDuel ad in your face. They are fucking EVERYWHERE. They're on the electric level separator at every stadium. It's only a matter of time until there are stickers for both of these companies all over seats, jerseys, concession stands, the facade of stadiums, facemasks, floors, urinals, urinal cakes, urinal flushers, the inside of toilets, the paper towel dispensers, usher's faces, railings and everything else imaginable. You want a burger at the stadium? It'll have the fucking FanDuel logo imprinted on it. You want a hot dog? It was made in a meat mold spelled out in DraftKings. It's FUCKING AWFUL.

These two companies are EXACTLY THE SAME. There is not a single difference between the two. And the NFL is the BIGGEST FUCKING HYPOCRITE OF THEM ALL. We're not gonna allow gambling, but we have no fucking problem pimping the hell out of these two companies from which they can take a cut. But somehow, Dumb Fucking Shit is not gambling. HOW? You have to bet money on players and you win money. You bet on players instead of teams. Who cares?!?!?! It's gambling.

These guys have also infiltrated the fantasy community. Matthew Berry's Love/Hate column is now DFS inspired. You want to know who you should start or sit? The only thing that matters is what their salary is.

And I just think it's so stupid to play against half a million people you don't know with players you have no loyalty to. I get the intention. If your fantasy season goes to shit, you have a backup. But there's just NO EXCITEMENT. The lack of head-to-head matchup is fucking retarded. There is nothing better than getting together with one of your boys, getting fucked up, and screaming in his face every time you drop a TD in his grill. Nothing better. DFS sucks the life out of that, and I for one will not conform to this new fad.

I've also seen some hate recently on the live drafts. Apparently some people think it's "too much of a hassle" to get guys together. It's easier to just draft online and be done with it. Fuck THAT. The EFFL Draft is one of the most exciting things of my entire year, every single year. People have tried to turn fantasy football into nothing but gambling. For me (and I think most of the league feels the same way), fantasy football is about making football more enjoyable and a way to stay close with a bunch of people who may not necessarily live near each other any more. DFS wants to take that away. The EFFL will not stoop to these fucking levels.

Rant over.


Now it's time to get into the power rankings. I don't know how this will go, but let's see.

14. Geno 911 (0-1 - Last week 14): This team looked terrible from the getgo, and I haven't seen anything that would make me consider changing my mind. Played against a team with two 0's and still lost. That's embarrassing. And Tony Romo has lost Dez for awhile, which surely hurts his value. The one thing I will say is that there are a couple decent options on the bench would could end up helping. Moncrief, Hillman and Lockett all could end up in the starting lineup sooner than later. Still a ways to go, but not looking good.

13. Tweeting in the Trenches (0-1 - Last week 7): Oh baby! I think TITTY may be in some trouble already. Brady isn't going to play the Steelers joke defense every week, and Andre Ellington is already down with an injury. Only 2 RBs even playing are two Giants who together don't even equal one good RB. The trio of Eddie Royal, Mike Wallace, and Andre Johnson looks downright dreadful, dear. The Beckham-Bell combo is going to be good in the future, but this team is currently on thin ice.

12. Dueling Pylons (0-1 - Last week 12): Pylons second round pick: 0 points. Pylons third round pick: 0 points. Pylons fifth round pick: 0 points. That's a problem. While Sammy Watkins performance was disappointing, assuming Tyrod Taylor only throws the ball 20 times a game is impossible. Starting QBs don't throw the ball only 320 times in a season. Luck looked good. Ivory looked good. Jordan Reed looked good. The rest of the team is going to need to step it up pretty soon. Phillip Dorsett could move into a big role with T.Y. Hilton banged up.

11. The King's Crusaders (1-0 - Last week 13): This team may prove to be better than initially anticipated. Travis Kelce was absolutely unstoppable, and that pick could pay huge dividends. Will no doubt be fooled into using Percy Harvin in the future, where he will fail to reach double digit points ever again. But a team with Aaron Rodgers should always be competitive. It's just a matter of whether the big weeks will be there. That remains uncertain.

10. The Old Ball Sack (0-1 - Last week 6): Mike Y can't be encouraged with the week 1 performance despite the valiant effort from Julio Jones. The two keepers, CJ Anderson and Lamar Miller, looked overrated as expected. CJ has already hurt himself. The QB spot also appears to be in question at the moment. While some teams emerge from Week 1 not seeing the results they expected, it's really hard to find a bright spot at the moment. Brandon Marshall's 18 points might be his best of the season. I'm concerned for this team already. Will need to get right on the waiver wire.

9. TWINECTOMY (0-1 - Last week 11): This team really did not put up many points, yet still moved up in the rankings. Really planned poorly for this week and was forced to use an inactive Mike Evans. That always sucks. The big concern, however, appears to be with Peyton Manning. Will he emerge as a legitimate QB option, or is he done? Having Tannehill as a backup isn't a killer, and appears to have won the Green Bay lottery by adding James Jones. That could be a huge find. Things will get better. Decent squad.

8. Bo$$town Cutter (1-0 - Last week 3): I don't think this is a bad team, but without Dez, it's middle of the pack for now. The team looks dramatically different. But had the balls to start Mariota, and it worked out. The Alex Smith / Mariota combo was the best in the league at the QB spot. Go figure. Really could use Martavis and Gates back, but the longer you hang in there, the better your chances. This team definitely projects to be better in the 2nd half of the season. Hopefully it's not too late for you.

7. Stanky Monkeys (1-0 - Last week 10): Forte, Cobb and Edelman actually looks like it's going to be a pretty awesome trio. Losing DeSean hurts, but having Pierre Garcon also on the roster certainly makes up for it. My concern with this team is the depth. The bench is pretty bare, and any more injuries could be disastrous. But bench points don't matter, and as long as the starters stay healthy, this team should remain pretty competitive. I'm certainly encouraged with the effort.

6. Tequila Party Gnomes (0-1 - Last week 9): Ran into the Phil buzzsaw, and man does that hurt. Had a pretty respectable outing out of the gate, but it wasn't enough. Obviously made the wrong decision at QB, and turned down a trade that would have sent Rodgers and Kelce to TPG. King is certainly thanking you for not accepting this week. And also lost to a team that started two Raiders. That's the biggest slap in the dick of all. But I think TPG looked pretty solid. I think this team has some good young players that will continue to improve.

5. A Lot O'Tatz (0-1 - Last week 2): Lineup decisions have always eluded EEB's skill set. Got cute and went with Flacco against the Broncos. He was fucking garbage. Should've stuck with your boy Cam Newton. Now Hilton is banged up. You'll continue to struggle with lineup decisions and hold your team back. But I think eventually a couple guys emerge and you'll figure it out. I still think this team has a lot of potential, just don't expect Mark Ingram to have receiving numbers like that when Spiller is back.

4. Team BG (1-0 - Last week 4): Didn't see anything that would really change my opinion of this team. Got 2 pretty strong keepers in Hopkins and Landry and man did Carlos Hyde look good. And Demaryius had one of his worst games, so he should do nothing but improve. Would like to see a little more at the TE and Flex spots. The end of the bench looks a little thin, but getting LeGarrette back should be pretty good. And Brees is clearly going to throw a ton, as the Saints will be behind in pretty much every game.

3. Team Bartholomew (1-0 - Last week 8): Unloaded on the Pylons relentlessly. 2 TDs each from Hill and Eifert. A garbage Antonio Brown TD. A Broncos defensive TD. I had no shot. This team may prove to be better than initially expected, but you can't expect your Bengals to give you 50 points a week. I'm still concerned about the Vincent Jackson / Joseph Randle combo. If Jackson can't do anything with Mike Evans out, how will he when he returns? Also could benefit with Dez out by using Terrance Williams. I like what I see.

2. Pork Chop Express (1-0 - Last week 1): No man should have as many emotions about Keenan Allen as Ben does. OMG 15 RECEPTIONS!!!?!?!?!?@(Q#*%#& A very advanced stat called FPPT (or fantasy points per target), confirms that Keenan Allen finished just 11th among WRs on Sunday. He had a good game. For the amount of targets he saw, he arguably should have done better. I'm not a fan of drafting players from all terrible teams, so we'll see how that plays out. I still like your team, but we'll see. You and EEB both struggle with lineup decisions.

1. Cecil Had It Coming (1-0 - Last week 5): I don't understand the team name. Who's Cecil? Cecil Shorts? I agree he had it coming. I just don't see how this team is not the favorite at this point. The Gronk/Witten TE combo is going to be huge all year. Alshon and Amari and Foster and Cruz coming back. And Big Ben at QB. We'll see how it goes, but I'm certainly encouraged. After Gronk's 2nd TD, Phil told me to get his name engraved on the trophy. That's some big talk for the first week, but I'll be damned if he hasn't backed it up.


I'm already ready for more football. Give it to me! Just no DFS. Here's who we've got, with Power Rankings attached.

#1 Cecil Had It Coming v. #4 Team BG
#2 Pork Chop Express v. #12 Dueling Pylons
#3 Team Bartholomew v. #8 Bo$$town Cutter
#5 A Lot O'Tatz v. #13 Tweeting in the Trenches
#6 Tequila Party Gnomes v. #7 Stanky Monkeys
#9 TWINECTOMY v. #10 The Old Ball Sack
#11 The King's Crusaders v. #14 Geno 911

Of course after ranking King #13, he's on track to go 2-0. I need something. No yelling at the TV in frustration. We'll see how that goes. Looking forward to another good week.