Tuesday, November 22, 2016

All Downhill From Here

Wow, did things take a turn for the worse in week 11 or what?!?!? Andrew Luck concussed, AJ Green hamstring injury, Gio Bernard torn ACL, Zach Miller broken foot, CJ Prosise fractured scapula, LeSean McCoy dislocated thumb, possible Jay Cutler injury. And that's all we know right now!

I feel like this week was a big turning point for NFL teams. I think a number of teams have gotten to the point where they know nothing is happening with their team. Like this guy:


Just out there giving zero fucks. Knows Jared Goff isn't ready to play football but does not care in the least.

Jets keep going back to Ryan Fitzpatrick. And a fun fact on how bad the Browns are. The winningest QB in Cleveland since 1999 is Ben Roethlisberger. Despite playing in Cleveland once a year, he has won more games over that span in Cleveland than any QB that actually played in Cleveland. Incredible.

And what was with the weather this week? 30 MPH gusts in Cleveland, Cincy, Jersey, and DC. Rain in Seattle, rain in LA, rain in San Fran. There was a total of 1 outdoor game that did not have inclement weather on Sunday. That was almost close to being Beef of the Week but barely missed the cut.

DON'T HATE ME, IT'S JUST A JOKE!
What's the difference between a Texans/Raiders game in the USA and a Texans/Raiders game in Mexico?

Nothing. It's a stadium full of Mexicans.


This will surely cheer you up.

I've watched this video at least 20 times, and it does not get old. That dude got absolutely PLASTERED!!! Fox sound guy with awful timing and a friendly reminder that none of us are anywhere near large enough to compete in football. That is the hardest hit I've ever seen in my life, hands down. #1. He hit the ground so hard I think he created a sinkhole.

Second biggest hit from Sunday:

Somehow, somehow, this was flagged. It's a running play and instead of blocking the DB, Bradford runs backwards. Going off on the refs is surely what led Arians to be hospitalized with chest pains.

Again, I also would like to remind you this week, and every week, that Ian Rapoport is the worst reporter in the league. Sunday, he reported that AJ Green had torn his hamstring and was headed for an MRI on Monday. How does a reporter at a computer know that AJ tore his hamstring before a medical professional evaluated him and was able to assess properly? He just spews garbage and because he works for the NFL people are glued to him. He's a terrible, terrible reporter that is constantly wrong.


Beef of the Week: Mike Y

I was pretty chill this week. Didn't have too much beef until Sunday night when I absolutely lost it. After getting double teamed by Jordan/Jamison, porn star extraordinaire, the following ensued:

Jamison Crowder scores a TD. Mike's trash talk? 

"Oh thank God"

I was irate. What kind of trash talk is that?!?!?!? How bout a "suck on the old ball sack, Cro". "Maybe a shot of Jameson will make you feel better". We didn't go in on a 14 point favorite that was shitting the bed and we got a back door cover. We were NOT on the same side. What is "Oh thank God"?!?!? That's embarrassing. I also got this exchange earlier in the week:

Mike: I'm out to the left
Me: Hahah I assume not meant for me?
Mike: Oops
Mike: Sorry. Picking up my kid.

Mike: In front now
Mike: Dammit

This is unacceptable on all fronts. Your trash talk and tech skills need work, my friend. May I recommend the gaping mouth emoji followed by the eggplant emoji in the future.


EEB pointed out something fun to me. Apparently all of the lower seeds (sans TPG tie) defeated the higher seeds in the games this week. That's unheard of, but will make for a great stretch run.

Friendly reminder that trade deadline is Wednesday. Also, anyone added after 1 PM Sunday is ineligible to be kept for the 2017 season. Here's where we stand. There are NINE teams within a game of each other.

EFFL Playoffs

* #1. Stanky Monkeys (8-3) - Took the L against PCE, but Pylons also losing means still in the top spot. Looks like Stanky Monkeys or Pylons will get the bye, but this team is currently reeling.

* #2 Dueling Pylons (8-3) - Team had a bad week all around and can't get any points from the Tight End spot. Finally through the byes, which bodes well.

#3 Team BG (6-5) - In a 5 way tie and that means highest points. BG has the edge among teams with a .555 win %. Has beaten Phil, Ben, EEB, and Mike Y, which bodes well for your chances to at least do well in tiebreakers.

#4 Tweeting in the Trenches (5-4-2) - What a record. Hopkins couldn't beat a kicker, I chastised that trade at the time, and I still believe it. Showdown with BG in Week 13 could be for a playoff spot. Still looking pretty solid.

#5 Harambe Was Set Up (6-5) - Since you've beaten Ben and Cutter, you have the tiebreaker here despite having fewer points. The problem is that this team has gone ice cold and is really hanging on for dear life at this point. Where will the turnaround come from? Gronk's injuries have really hurt you.

#6 Pork Chop Express (6-5) - Took out Cutter back in Week 3 which puts you into 6th. I'd argue your team has been playing as well as any in the league lately. Will be interesting to see how your rookies hold up. Zeke is getting so much work that it's fair to wonder if he'll wear down.

#7 Bo$$town Cutter (6-5) - You've won 4 of 5, and it's not all that surprising your team is performing at a high level. Point total is pretty low and you have lost to a lot of the teams in front of you. Best bet would be to avoid tiebreakers.

#8 A Lot O'Tatz (5-5-1) - May have finally righted the ship and finish against Cutter and Woody. Win two and you're in. Win one and you still may be OK.

#9 ROLL THE DICE (5-6) - Good news is you've got a ton of points, so if you wind up in a 3 or 4 way tie, you're likely to have an advantage. Your team has allowed by far the most points, which is just unfortunate. Matchups against two 6-5 teams to finish the season leaves it in your hands.

#10 The King's Crusaders (5-6) - Win over Mike Y gives you the edge, but unlike Dosh, your point total is severely lacking. There's definitely work to be done, but I think you can win 2 and sneak in.

#11 The Old Ball Sack (5-6) - Would've loved to just about knock you out but shit happens. Nobody is talking about the absolute trade rape of the year getting Mariota and Jordan Reed for absolutely nothing. Plays two of the bottom 3 in the final 2 weeks so we'll see.

#12 Team Bartholomew (4-7) - Not officially out! Must win two and definitely some ground to make up in the points column, but your team has been trending upwards. Dez finally got it together. I do think a 6-7 team gets in.

x #13 Tequila Party Gnomes (3-7-1) - That tie ended your playoff hopes. Your team has more points than both Cutter and Woody, so it is a bit harsh to already be out. Losses of 1, 5, 6 and a tie and this could look a lot different. Injuries were way too harsh.

x #14 Geno 911 (3-8) - Your Super Bowl is in Week 13 when you try to dash the Pylons hopes of getting a bye. I'm sure you'll drop 150 on me.


Week 12 Matchups

There are some unbelievable matchups this week. Almost everyone is playing a team right next to them in the standings. Things could get even closer.

#1 Stanky Monkeys (8-3) v. #10 The King's Crusaders (5-6)
#2 Dueling Pylons (8-3) v. #3 Team BG (6-5)
#4 Tweeting in the Trenches (5-4-2) v. #5 Harambe Was Set Up (6-5)
#6 Pork Chop Express (6-5) v. #9 ROLL THE DICE (5-6)
#7 Bo$$town Cutter (6-5) v. #8 A Lot O'Tatz (5-5-1)
#11 The Old Ball Sack (5-6) v. #12 Team Bartholomew (4-7)
#13 Tequila Party Gnomes (3-7-1) v. #14 Geno 911 (3-8)
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