Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Shampoo My Crotch, Andy Reid



This blog can basically write itself. Instead of having my beef with Andy, I'ma let him off the hook. Let me set the scene for you. The Steelers are up 43-7 on the Chiefs. Andy refuses to take a knee and end the game. They get first and goal at the two minute warning. Andy runs on first down and gets down to the 5. The Chiefs then go no huddle and run up to the line and run another running play for 2 yards. Then they huddle up and run another running play for no gain to get to 4th down. Then Andy realizes "Oh shit, because we went no huddle randomly on 2nd down I can't run out the clock". He's forced to take a timeout with 8 seconds left on the clock.

I know it's coming. Everyone in the EFFL knew it was coming. On 4th down, with 4 seconds left in a 43-7 game, starter Alex Smith finds starter Travis Kelce for a TD. Against me.

Yes, this unbelievably garbage time TD cost me a win. Yes, between the start of the Sunday night game and the end of the Monday night game, the Stanky Monkeys DROPPED 8 TOUCHDOWNS ON ME!!!!!!! 8 TOUCHDOWNS!!! And a 2 point conversion!! Between the Sunday and Monday night games alone. It was absolutely ridiculous. The final nail in the coffin was an Orleans Darkwa TD. Might as well just go fuck myself. The only way this could have been worse was if the Chiefs-Steelers was on a Monday night. I would've been in the market for new electronics. Heated doesn't even begin to describe it. This was one of the worst fantasy football losses I can remember.

But that's the EFFL. You think DP is good, then you're getting rammed from both ends and you're in a place you never thought you'd be. Poor EEB is in the path.

One of my favorite developing stories, which I will continue to bring you, is Angry Poo. AKA Matt Staffy-Poo.




The guy is enraged and yelling at people every single week. It's phenomenal. Way better than Odell continuing to whine like a bitch. He already earned his beef of the week.

And how bout Julio! 300 yards receiving! What a mistake by Carolina letting Josh Norman go. They went from one of the best to a total laughing stock. That was one of the best individual performances I've ever seen.


Beef of the Week: Intentional Grounding

I really just don't understand how this rule works. I get when you're out of the pocket. The rules are clear. Get the ball past the line of scrimmage or it's grounding. Fine..

Next, when a QB is in the pocket and he throws the ball with a receiver in the area, it's not grounding. Fine. I get it.

What I don't get is when a QB is in the pocket, he fires the ball way out of bounds to throw it away before a defender gets to him, and it's not grounding. Sometimes a QB throws the ball out of the back of the end zone and it is grounding. It's completely up to the discretion of the 14 referees on the field, and that's always bad news. They're forced to make a judgment call on how close a defensive player is to the QB. They need to make a rule cut and dry or just eliminate it entirely. It's infuriating to have such a confusing rule.


POWER RANKINGS

 I don't wanna hear any more boo hoos about how ESPN rates your team this or that. They don't know shit. You have point projections, "expert" rankings, and Insider recommendations on the site and they all conflict with each other. If you're dumb enough to put any stock in it, I don't know what to tell you.

14. The Old Ball Sack (0-4) - Last week: 14. Pretty much rooted to the basement at this point. Another week and another blowout. Allowing the most points and scoring almost the lowest is not a recipe for success.

13. Geno 911 (1-3) - Last week: 13. I guess the rankings aren't that bad if teams aren't moving. Through 4 weeks is the lowest scoring team. Shots of Jamo! Let's do more shots! It works for you! But a win's a win. Way to get off the goose.

12. Bo$$town Cutter (2-2) - Last week: 12. Winning 89-83 is embarrassing. But just like Brady, the hope was to go 2-2. You got through 4 weeks and now have Brady and Bell ready to go. I think you move up soon.

11. Team Bartholomew (0-4) - Last week: 10. Injuries really starting to pile up, which is unfortunate. Cam's concussed, Dez missed action, Foster is still out, Woodhead gone for the year, Ertz has already missed time. Still a lot of talent, but the guys need to get on the field for you to get back into it.

10. Pork Chop Express (1-3) - Last week: 8. Julio almost beat you alone. You're starting Dwayne Washington and Tajae Sharpe. I bet a bunch of people in the league don't know who either of those guys are. Still think you're around the middle of the pack because of your terrible depth.

9. The King's Crusaders (2-2) - Last week: 7. Left Matt Ryan and his 500 yards on the bench and it cost you the win. Very un-King like. But your two best players were on a bye and you're 2-2. Again potential to move up.

8. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-3) - Last week: 9. Glad to see TPG with a rousing performance all over Dosh. He was irate.over Robert Woods like he hasn't started him many times before. Started 2 Bills and look what happened...

7. Harambe Was Set Up (3-1) - Last week: 11. I'm seriously shocked you're 3-1. I feel like your team is very volatile. It seems like double Raiders isn't as strong this year. One always seems to do poorly. We'll see. I'm not sold yet.

6. ROLL THE DICE (3-1) - Last week: 4. I was in. Now I'm a bit out. I'm really shocked with Melvin Gordon, but I'm thinking more and more that your big weeks are less likely. Jury is still out for me.

5. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-0-1) - Last week: 6. Only undefeated team. 5th in points. Shocking. Carson Palmer is awful. DeMarcus Murray is the #1 RB. You started Hunter Henry (WHO?!?!) and he scored 16 points. This is the bizarro world.

4. A Lot O'Tatz (2-1-1) - Last week: 1. Finally moved out of the top spot. And I think even this may be a bit generous. Edelman has been awful (he'll go off on me), Riddick has cooled significantly (he'll go off on me), and I'm a bit concerned. I'd be shocked if you weren't also.

3. Stanky Monkeys (3-1) - Last week: 5. I considered not ranking you. It was truly end to end agony. 33 points from AJ Green on Thursday night and an Orleans Darkwa TD 4 days later to finish me. Ugh.

2. Dueling Pylons (3-1) - Last week: 3. Came so close to 4-0, but it wasn't to be. Even still, this team is for real. Scoring a ton even without Sammy Watkins and Corey Coleman. They could contribute later in the season. Also, I promised Rachael a puppy if I win the title.

1. Team BG (3-1) - Last week: 2. Well deserved in the top spot. Top scoring team with no signs of slowing down. Derek Carr is hot, and Julio is a monster. Don't be concerned about missing the playoffs.


It was a fun and brutal week 4. Here are your week 5 matchups.

DP v. EEB
Cutty v. D-Sheetz
TPG v. King
Gambino v. BG (OH NO!)
Tatz v. Lou
Phil v. Lobitz
Fusco v. D-WEEZE
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