The Stage Is Set

Wow has the past week been a crazy one in the EFFL both on and off the field. With one week in the books, we are down to the final 4. Ironically, it is the exact same final 4 as in 2007. As of today, we know the following to be true:

- One of the teams that played in the 2007 championship game will be back in the game this season.

- The 3 seed has taken down the 6 seed for the first time ever.

- The last time each of the matchups occurred, they both produced over 250 points combined.

- Also for the first time ever, Peyton Manning’s squad will not be on the championship roster.

- The Stanky Monkeys are the worst of the 4 remaining teams.

In preparation for this week, the Gnomes, Pylons, and Monkeys painted the city of Baltimore a nice shade of red this past Friday night. This was no ordinary bus trip. It was the Phi Sig Crush Party from Towson. A bottle of vodka was destroyed in about half an hour at the pregame. While Stanky and myself each shared a seat with 2 lovely young ladies, the Gnomes were shuffled to the back and shoved to the inside of the bus wheel row with some dude. Perhaps it was because he was wearing purple on purple with an undershirt that said “Nidge”. Upon arrival, the Gnomes had some built up tension from the bus ride that was soon to be let loose on the dance floor.

I can’t even put into words how great the scene was. An overhead fog machine was firing a jet of air at high speeds and the Gnomes were yelling the lyrics to Britney Spears’ “Womanizer” at the top of his lungs. Akon was also trying to make love. I’ll be honest here. I drank too many rum and cokes to give a more detailed description, but from what I’ve heard the night progressed downhill with the Gnomes getting slapped in the face for saying the bus was going back to Staples parking lot as well as the Monkeys screaming “FUCK THE PYLONS” multiple times. It all ended with Pylons and Monkeys dancing on chairs and drinking til the wee hours of the morning while the Gnomes returned to sleep in his car for 2 hours before work the next morning. EFFL does it big.

Now that the madness off the field has ended for the time being, it’s time to focus on the task at hand: the semifinals in the EFFL playoffs.

#1 The King’s Crusaders (11-2) vs. #5 Tequila Party Gnomes (6-7-1)

If there is one word to describe the Gnomes 2008 playoff season it would be redemption. As predicted in last week’s writeup, the Gnomes-Eyepatches week 14 game was one of the best we’ve seen all season. Heading into the 4^th quarter of the Monday night game the Gnomes led 134-133. Matt Bryant had shanked a 40 yard field goal off the left upright, but it was the Carolina running game that in the end did the Eyepatches in. As Carolina kept scoring the Bucs defense kept losing points, and after the dust had settled the Gnomes were victorious. Prior to Monday night’s outcome I was notified by the King himself that he wanted the Gnomes in round 2, as he felt it was an easier matchup for his squad. Well the King got his wish, but as history has shown this sort of request can come back to haunt you.

The 2007 Championship game was nothing short of a Baby Unk spanking. An 86 point victory saw the King hoist the trophy and have his name enshrined forever on the EFFL trophy. This brings me back to my initial word for the Gnomes: redemption. To come so close to the title and then have it come crashing down so quickly surely resonates on TPG. Even a 129 point effort in week 8 wasn’t enough to derail the King, who now holds a 4 game winning streak over TPG. King has been a machine, scoring over 120 points in 8 straight weeks. But also worth noting is that in week 14 the King had his lowest point total since week 3 and would have lost to the other 3 remaining teams. Such is the beauty of the bye and now he can turn his focus to a real game. I’m on the ropes about this one. Could the King’s allegiance to the Texans cost him? After seeing Antonio Bryant torch the Panthers can Brandon Marshall do the same? I think the Gnomes pull the unthinkable and return to the finals for the 2^nd straight season.

#2 Stanky Monkeys (10-3) vs. #3 Dueling Pylons (10-4)

For the first time #2 will host #3, but that is hardly the story here. If this game doesn’t get your blood pumping then nothing will. This has to be the right at the top of most trash talked rivalries in the league. It again started last week well in advance of this potential matchup. Perhaps the Monkeys were already expecting a Pylons victory. After dispatching the Ari Golds relatively easily, the Pylons finally have their first playoff win and now smell blood in the water. Between the starters and bench players, the Pylons amassed an incredible 268 points in week 14. The key to success could be the absence of Browns and Lions on the roster. A healthy Reggie Bush certainly doesn’t hurt either. There is a 0% chance the loser of this game is not found curled up in the fetal position in a gutter somewhere.

The Stanky Monkeys also own a 4 game winning streak over their playoff opponent dating all the way back to 2006. The Pylons are the only team to reach week 15 for the 3^rd straight season. Perhaps the 3^rd time is the charm to get to the title game. Here’s an interesting stat that I have stumbled upon. Stanky Monkeys have won their last 16 games against opponents that are not the King or Jackson Five. This must stop this week. ESPN has projected an early 42 point margin of victory for Stanky. Ridiculous. I don’t see any possible way that this game doesn’t come down to Monday night. With Westbrook, Eagles defense, and Akers going against the Browns, the Pylons will probably need at least a 50 point lead to feel safe. I can only imagine how many “NASTY” text messages I’m going to receive. The real nastiness is going to occur in the Vikings-Cardinals game where the Monkeys will be in emotional anguish for a good 3+ hours. After consulting my Chinese calendar, it appears that 2008 is the year of the Pylon. Look for a Pylons-Gnomes final.

To say the least I am excited. I can’t wait for all of this weekend’s games, and I’m sure the hype is equally building around the league. There is a lot of pride at stake and I look forward to writing the final review next week. In the words of the late, great Jesus Quintana, “You ready to be fucked, man? I see you roll your way into the semis” Good luck to all.

The Time Has Come

Finally after 13 weeks of football we know who will face who in the EFFL playoffs. It came down to the final minutes of the final game of the regular season for things to finally be set. It became apparent that the Golds would be in with the Jaguars defense doing very little to help the Jackson Five out. This was actually the first year we’ve had to use a tiebreaker to determine the final playoff spot. Also a furious 4^th quarter comeback by the Gnomes and kicker Josh Scobee forced our first tie of the season.

Playoff notes according to the league rulebook (available at the side of the page):

- Now that the Jackson Five and My Team Is Awful have been eliminated, they are no longer permitted to make any transactions. Once each team in the field is eliminated, they will also no longer be permitted to make transactions.

- No players that are added can be kept for next season. I will continue to update the list in the EFFL History spreadsheet to keep track of these players.

- After the first round we will reseed despite ESPN saying otherwise. If the Golds should win in week 14, they will play the King. I will manually edit this should this situation arise.

- Any ties in the playoffs will be broken based on total team TD’s and total team yardage in that order. ESPN says the higher seed wins the tiebreaker. If there is a conflict I will also manually edit this.

I would like to say it has been a very fun regular season. I can’t believe we’re already at week 14 of the NFL season, and I have no idea where the time went. Just looking at round 1 of the playoffs has me ecstatic. The 2008 Playoffs are definitely going to be the most intense in the history of the EFFL. Here’s how things have shaped up.

#1 The King’s Crusaders (11-2): This team set all kinds of EFFL records this season. Most points scored, most regular season wins, tied for longest winning streak, and over the last 8 weeks have averaged over 144 points per game. Well deserving of a bye, how fitting is it that it was West Virginia product and Texans RB Steve Slaton who contributed the final piece of this team’s regular season run. The King now will wait patiently for either the Golds or the winner of the Eyepatches/Gnomes.

#2 Stanky Monkeys (10-3): Needing a win or tie to clinch a bye in round 1 of the playoffs, the Monkeys came through with a staggering 140 point effort against the Pylons. Brian Westbrook set the tone early with a 4 TD performance on Thanksgiving. In some sort of congratulatory attempt, my mother invited the Stanky Monkeys over for a delicious home-cooked meal while I am at this evening’s Flyers game. A true slap in the face. With the week off the Monkeys will most likely head to the slopes to try out for Shaun White’s new snowboarding video game. Week 15’s playoff tilt will feature the Pylons again with a win or the Eyepatches/Gnomes winner with a Golds win.

#3 Dueling Pylons (9-4) vs. #6 The Ari Golds (4-9)

The league wanted to see it, and until about 4 minutes left in the game Monday night it looked like it wasn’t going to happen. Then Steve Slaton struck, the Golds had lost, and the epic grudge match was on. These teams have a bitter rivalry which peaked when the rookie Golds took down the Pylons in the 06 playoffs en route to a championship. Since then, each team has had ups and downs, but the inevitability of revenge has finally reared its head. The trash talking for this game even began before the matchup was known. I’ve already been told by half the league that a Golds victory would be the highlight of their season. I may not be able to show my face in the tri-state area for a good 6 months with a loss.

The Golds head into this game riding a nifty 5 game losing streak but at least showed some signs of life last week in a defeat. The good news, however, is that the 6 seed has won the championship each of the last 2 years, and the Pylons have never won a playoff game. I’m shaking my head in disgust and laughing right now just typing this. The Pylons have hit a slight rough patch with the injury to Reggie Bush, but now back at full strength I believe this is the best Pylons playoff team to date. Both teams have fantastic matchups, and I think this is going to be a shootout. It may come down to Steve Smith on Monday night, who the Golds traded to the Pylons at the trade deadline. I have to do this. It’s time to break the streak. Look for the Pylons to move on to the semis.

#4 Animals With Eyepatches (7-5-1) vs. #5 Tequila Party Gnomes (5-7-1)

Deemed the #1 rivalry in the EFFL, these two teams squared off in rivalry week in Week 1, and then not again until the decisive Week 13, the only such teams to have games of this magnitude. When the possibility was brought up a few weeks ago that these teams could meet in round 1 of the playoffs, my text message inbox was filled with “I Want Jimish” text messages. Call it a love/hate relationship. Trust me here that Jimish is 4-5 steps up from the grenade the Gnomes set in front of me this past Friday. Praise Jesus that I avoided that land mine. Our first date would’ve been at Hardee’s.

Back on topic, both teams hoped to garner some momentum headed into a potential rematch, and both teams left week 13 feeling unsatisfied. 2 late Jaguars touchdowns and 2 Josh Scobee extra points later and the Gnomes and Eyepatches ended in a tie. I don’t think any other result could have been more favorable headed into this grudge match for the good of the league. In 9 career meetings these teams have now split the series 4-4-1. What I’m sure sticks out most in the mind of the Gnomes is the bitter playoff defeat suffered back in 2005 when Chris Chambers and Terry Glenn went off for 14 catches, 259 yards, and 3 TD’s. There’s unfinished business here and I think this is going to be one of the best games we’ve seen all season. I like the Gnomes here to finally get some redemption after all this time.

I’d also like to wish The Jackson Five and My Team Is Awful a healthy offseason. Both teams have some great keeper options and already appear to have a head start on a positive 2009 season. The Five stayed in it until the very end despite hitting a rough patch for much of the season. I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle 3 weeks of postseason games. I’ll take 2 weeks, trust me. I really hope these games live up to the billing because the hype for a postseason has never been so high. Good luck to all 4 teams this weekend.