Monday, November 26, 2018

Playoff Bloggy




Hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving. I was plastered. Just yelling furiously at Amari Pooper reaming me over and over. It wouldn't stop. I'll be honest... I don't remember much of the Drew Brees assault on the Falcons, but 4 TDs to 4 undrafted free agents in a blowout is hilarious.

But I'm tired of Dallas. I hate Dallas. Way more than the Giants. Eli is just annoying. Zeke is legitimately unlikable because of his crop tops and alma mater. Now Amari Cooper is mocking Markelle Fultz' free throw form? Dude has played 2 games in Dallas. 2!! Dallas v Philadelphia isn't even a rivalry in any other sport. You'll get yours, Pooper.

Here's some awesome plays from Sunday.



It's mostly just me on Browns. I love the Browns. I love when a team brings back their 1-31 coach, wastes an entire offseason, then fires him just 6 games into the season. Don't you, buddy boy? I've also been informed I've been "all over Baker's nuts in the blog". That's fine. I have no problem with that. He's fun to watch. And the Browns have no coach!

Hue Jackson was on the other sideline! His ass got canned for being terrible, another team picked him up, and THEY got their ass kicked. His former players were mocking him all day. It was so Bengals.

The Bills were also home, so thankfully we need to check in on #BillsMafia



It was actually a pretty exciting game inside. Leonardo got into a fight over some over-cooked pasta ordered alla dente. Meatballs were thrown. Shaq Lawson ended up with a face full of spaghetti and gravy. He received a suspension.

And boy was it fun for Jalen Ramsey to eat his words. Who could've predicted he'd get clowned by Josh Allen?

Well... the commish. Wednesday night in an alcohol-induced lucid dream (more like a nightmare), TPG made a bold, yet well-advised decision on his QB for the upcoming week against the Pylons. He was benching Drew Brees in favor of Josh Allen. Josh Allen proceeded to drop 48 points on the Pylons in a victory. Well, turns out Josh Allen only had 27 fantasy points, but was the 4th best QB in the league this week. Only 3 off the #1 QB and former Gnome Kirk Cousins.

You've got to wonder what would've happened had TPG decided to re-up his championship QB. Would he have avoided Le'Veon? We'll never know.


And of course, some TD celebrations



The Limbo is definitely my favorite I've seen this season. Absolutely hilarious. Line dances are back!


Beef of the Week: I'm taking the week off

No beef this week. Eagles won. Hue Jackson revenge. Pylons clinch playoffs. Bills win. Won money on drunken Thanksgiving horse racing and Tiger v Phil.

We'll be back next week!


EFFL Playoffs

Going to invert the standings and go top down this week. Here's where things stand.

x - 1. Long and Thunderous (10-2) - The formula is simple. Defeat Phil, and the bye is yours. Lose to him and you'll be the #2 seed. Because you are virtually identical in points, there's the extra $100 for high season point total at stake in this game. Don't think I've ever seen a regular season game with more money on the line.

x - 2. Pork Chop Express (9-3) - The bad news: there's no longer a path to the bye. If you end up in a 3-team tiebreak at 10-3, you're too far behind in points. The good news: you're either the #2 or #3 seed. Can't be anything else.
  • Dosh win = #2
  • Phil win = #3
Your game has no bearing on your seeding whatsoever.

x - 3. Surefire Intelligence (9-3) - As indicated above, it's winner-take-all with Dosh. If you defeat him, you will win the bye either via 2-team head-to-head, or 3 team most points. Can't go wrong. Win and you'll be the #1. Lose, and it'll depend on what happens with the Pylons. Loss and Pylons loss means you're #3. Loss and Pylons win means you're #4. You cannot be the #2 seed.

x - 4. Dueling Pylons (8-4) - Can't climb higher than #3, and can't be worse than #5. Will play either EEB or Cutter in Round 1.
  • Win and Phil loss = #3
  • Win and Phil win = #4
  • Loss and Cutter loss = #4
  • Loss, EEB win and Cutter win = #4
  • Loss, EEB loss and Cutter win = #5

 x - 5. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (7-5) - Gotta feel good to clinch and put Woody on the brink. It's got to. Not much doing here. You'll be either the #5 or #6 seed. You'll play one of Lobitz/Phil/myself in Round 1, but it's setting up for Pylons. I know you haven't forgotten me yelling JUJU in your face at Best Dam. Scenarios are straightforward.
  • Win = #5
  • Loss and Cutter loss = #5
  • Loss and Cutter win = #6

 x - 6. Bo$$town Cutter (7-5) - What a win over Fusco to clinch a playoff berth. Chewed your nails down to the nub! But you're in. Similar to EEB, but you can climb to #4. You will also play one of Lobitz/Phil/myself in Round 1. Your scenarios are a bit more complicated, as you can climb to #4.
  • Loss = #6
  • Win and EEB win = #6
  • Win, EEB loss, and Pylons win = #5
  • Win, EEB loss, and Pylons loss = #4

The Final 3

The 7th and final seed is up for grabs. 3 teams are in play. The bad news (really bad news) for Woody is that BG and Gambino play each other, virtually eliminating you. Here's how it'll go down:

7. Team BG (6-6)
9. Geno 911 (5-7)

Because you play each other, the loser will be eliminated from the playoffs. If BG wins, he will grab the #7 seed. If Gambino wins, we have two scenarios:

1. Woody loses, meaning Gambino wins the 2 team head-to-head tiebreaker
2. Woody wins, creating a 3 team tiebreaker

If there is a 3 team tiebreaker, it'll go to points scored. Woody had a horrible Week 12, and Gambino has grabbed a 54 point lead. Regardless, if Gambino beats BG, BG can at best be 2nd among the 3 teams in points scored, therefore being eliminated.

8. The King's Crusaders (5-7)

The path, while difficult, is known. These 3 things MUST happen to get the #7 seed:
  • Defeat the Pylons
  • Geno 911 win over BG
  • Outscore Geno 911 by more than 54 points in Week 13
It's not impossible. It's improbable, but it's not impossible.

The #7 seed will play either Dosh or Ben in Round 1.


Eliminated
Stanky Monkeys. Mike Y. Fusco. TPG. Tatz. We are sad to see you go. 5 of the 6 past champions are in this group. Looking forward to you rooting on your favorite EFFL franchise in the playoffs.


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Wednesday, November 21, 2018

Heating Up In Week 11

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Tuesday, November 13, 2018

3 Weeks To Go


At this point, you might be asking yourself, "Why am I holding this 30-pound cinder block in my hands?" You might also ask yourself, "Why does this cinder block have a long piece of string tied to it?" And finally, "Why is the other end of this string tied securely to your penis?"

For real, some questions you may be asking yourself:

1. What in the world is that pitch?!?!
That is where the Rams and Chiefs were supposed to contest one of the best games of the season next Monday night. That will no longer happen, for obvious reasons.

2. When did Cruz Azul start playing in the Azteca?
Actually this year! Their stadium was demolished, so they moved here, to this un-demolished stadium.

3. When will the NFL give up on Mexico?
Not soon enough


Week 10 was a wild one. It started Thursday night, in Atlantic City for the EFFL League meeting. Patron shots were had, grain alcohol was had, BYOB was had, and much money was lit on fire / distributed slowly. I don't remember much of the Steelers/Panthers game, but I do remember yelling in EEB's face following a Juju 75 yard TD bomb.

Here's something for you EEB:




The Bills need a home game for cryin out loud. This happened on the road!!


Something else for EEB that I expect to see at the next draft:


What else happened this weekend?
  • Sean Payton may have committed a felony by smashing a public fire alarm
  • The Browns couldddddd be decent
  • The Raiders have scored 10 points or less in 4 of their last 5 games
Just like the EFFL, the men have started to separate themselves from the boys.

Beef of the Week: The Money Team

Floyd Mayweather Jr. received not one, but 2 TD game balls... first from Tyler Lockett and then from Brandin Cooks. This guy has a gajillion dollars and smacks the crap out of women, but don't let that stop you from giving a ball to him instead of a fan in a wheelchair. 


Look at this crap. The dude is wearing a fucking Gucci wallet and chaps, pulls in two game balls. THIS MAN DOES NOT NEED GAME BALLS! He needs to be prevented from being so close to women and children. I used to love Floyd. I'll probably be back. $400 on McGregor is not happening again.


EFFL Playoffs

Onto the good stuff. With just 3 weeks left, here's all we know: Dosh is in, and Fusco is out. 8 is the magic number at this point. 8 wins will lock you into a playoff spot. 8 losses will knock you out of the playoffs. You must finish at least 6-7 to get in, and that could very well move.

x - 14. Tweeting in the Trenches (2-8) - Had a good week! Just wasn't your year this year. This team has spiraled, getting worse each year since the 3-Peat. 2nd season in a row missing the playoffs. Has become the joke of the league.

13. The Old Ball Sack (3-7) - On the brink of elimination. It'll be an honor to drive the nail into the coffin. It does seem strange to see Mike Y this low, but based on history, alternates playoff years. Next year should be back.

12. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-7) - Was able to stave off elimination again, taking down BG by 2. TPG now on a W2, and finally the weight off Le'Veon has been lifted. This team is now balling free. Or free balling. Whichever you prefer. Critical matchup with EEB to keep this thing rollin.

11. Team Bartholomew (3-7) - Snakebitten all year. Got pounded by the Stanky Monkeys, and really just can't catch a break this year. BG, Lobitz, and EEB is not the easiest finish. Must win them all.

10. Stanky Monkeys (4-6) - Finally on a nice little run. Gone over 150 in 2 of the past 3 weeks and still in decent shape. Finish with TPG, and he loves playing spoiler. I think your team has a decent shot, but you have a huge game with Gambino next week. The loser of that may be out.

9. Geno 911 (4-6) - Pretty much the same as Lou. In the mix, only a game back. Other than the week your entire team was on a bye, this team has been solid all season. 6th in points and certainly can hang with the big boys. If you win 3, you should get in.

8. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (5-5) - Of course Leonardo was finally back and let me have it. Would miss out if the playoffs started today by virtue of points. But still a matchup with Woody remaining, so you control your own destiny. That's a huge matchup next week. You are 2nd to last in points scored, so your luck has been in.

7. The King's Crusaders (5-5) - I don't know. Can't seem to turn the corner. Having TITTY drop 177 on you can't feel good. The remaining schedule is tough. Dosh, EEB, Pylons. Point total is pretty good, so if you do end up in a 3-way tie, you're likely OK. Work to be done.

6. Team BG (6-4) - Feel like this happens every year. Starts off on fire, and then can't catch a break down the stretch. TPG just edged you. It was exactly like the Big 6. This money yours? Nope. This yours? Nope. Who bet on the $1?!?!? That was Amari Cooper sneaking in to get your money. Surprisingly the only team in the league to make the playoffs each of the last two seasons.

5. Bo$$town Cutter (6-4) - Still doing OK! Knocking off Mike Y is always fun, and one more win may do it. That Austin Hooper / Eric Ebron combo is taking the league by storm. 

4. Surefire Intelligence (7-3) - It is a bit weird to see this team in 4th, but both teams tied with you now own the head-to-head tiebreaker. This team looked invincible at the start of the season, but it's been a full month since this team scored more than 125 points. Fully expected to turn it around, but could be losing ground for the bye.

3. Dueling Pylons (7-3) - Call it 5 straight for the Pylons. Wasn't pretty, but it's awful encouraging to score 118 when the 2 Pats RBs combine for 10 points. Owns tiebreakers over Phil and Dosh, so the bye is not out of reach by any means.

2. Pork Chop Express (7-3) - By owning head-to-head tiebreaker over Phil and myself, wind up in 2nd place. Lost to Dosh, and well behind in points, so it may be a bit tough to get the bye. Still looking good to make the playoffs. Make sure to mind that Full Chubb.

1. Long and Thunderous (8-2) - What is Long and Thunderous? Dare I ask? Does a championship caliber team let their 5 game win streak get snapped by Gambino? I don't think so. Still in the pole position for the bye, but there are a couple teams behind you that could wind up passing you if you slip up again. That $150 high point total is within reach.


I'm anticipating some more movement in Week 11. Teams may be eliminated. Teams may punch their ticket to the EFFL dance. It's going to be intense. Can't wait!
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Wednesday, November 7, 2018

He's Heating Up!!



Rex Ryan has a case of the runs




It was a pretty intense Week 9. Confirmed: Vance Joseph is a dumb fuck:




The NFL finally got the scheduling right. They clearly segmented the games - 

Games People Do Not Want to Watch
49ers v Raiders
Bears v Bills
Jets v Dolphins
Texans v Broncos
Titans v Cowboys
Bucs v Panthers
Falcons v Redskins

Games People Want to Watch
Chiefs v Browns
Lions v Vikings
Steelers v Ravens
Chargers v Seahawks
Rams v Saints
Packers v Patriots

Colts, Bengals, Giants, Cardinals, Jaguars on the bye. Wish it could be like that every week. You can totally ignore half of the games.


Do Mitch's pregame outfits have Cam beat? His arrival to the stadiums keep getting better and better.

The Annual League Meeting will take place Thursday, November 8th in Atlantic City, where the executive committee will determine how to deal with this past week's violation.

At the insistence of a league member, TPG "put a baby in Mike Y". The following text conversation was scraped from the internet as Drew Brees unloaded on the Rams:

Member A: I'm about to nut in Mike Y
Member B: Put a baby in him, son.
Member A: Write the check before the baby comes, who the fuck cares
Member A: Have a baby by me, baby be a millionaire

Other comments from league members this past Sunday:

Member C: Dosh at 8-1. Fuck him, man
Member C: I'm never going to a draft again
Member C: He's gonna have it in Guatemala City by himself anyway.

The league is out of control. Everyone. I mean, EVERYONE is absolutely FURIOUS that Dosh is in first place. It's like the Playa Haters Ball in here. The only thing I wish is that someone had the rant he went on when he saw that Julio and Joe Mixon were his first two draft picks.

I think it's going to come down to the wire this year.


I need EFFL members performing this celebration at the draft.


Beef of the Week: Troy Aikman / Cowboys commentators


Look at this. Imagine being such an uptight dipshit, that you're complaining when this happens. DOESN'T RESPECT THE GAME. GET OFF MY LAWN. He doesn't understand when people have different opinions than his own. We have to protect freedom from the invaders, but we can't just have people pulling cell phones out of goalposts and exercising freedoms! Hypocrite.

Troy went off on Michael Thomas after he teabagged the undefeated Rams for a 70 yard TD to go over 200 yards for the day and set a Saints franchise record for receiving yards in a game. He threw it back to Joe Horn, who pulled the flip phone out from the goal post. Not only that, he even went to the oxygen mask on the sideline, not because he needed it, but because Joe Horn did it too. Joe Horn is the man.

Asked where he got the flip phone, Michael Thomas responded: Liquor Store. I'm a fan for life. @cantguardmike

But it's not just exclusive to Aikman. Why are so many former Cowboys now commentators? Aikman, Romo, Witten. Why are these guys in the booth? Witten is BRUTAL. He can't form sentences. He can't be neutral. He's referring to a team as "We". He was upset because a Titans player celebrated on the star and he hasn't been in the league for at least 5 years (direct quote). Just stop. I have no idea how he got the ESPN job, but it's a problem.


Power Rankings

This is going to be the last power rankings of the season. Will shift into playoff mode starting next week. Trade deadline is the day before Thanksgiving.

14. Tweeting in the Trenches (1-8) - Just didn't happen this year. Perhaps you'll get your football Sundays back soon. It was your choice to keep fathering children.

13. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-7) - Crazy that this team could have been so good. Always seems to struggle to find the complementary pieces. Not officially done yet, but getting close. Glad you got to pound Mike Y.

12. Stanky Monkeys (3-6) - Still near the bottom in points. Keeps taking L's. Huge matchup with Tatz this week. Loser is likely out.

11. Geno 911 (3-6) - I know your entire team was on a bye, but 57 points is unacceptable. Still around the middle in points, but playoff hopes fading quickly.

10. ITSA ME (5-4) - Third fewest points. 5-4. I don't get it. I'm sure you'll come back and beat me this week with Leonardo. Your team is clearly inferior to the likes of Tatz and Gambino, but luck has been on your side.

9. Bo$$town Cutter (5-4) - I totally forgot about this team. I'll be honest. I don't know what's happening here. I think this team could fade down the stretch.

8. The Old Ball Sack (3-6) - Not used to seeing Mike Y down this low. In some serious trouble at 3-6. If you can't knock off Cutter, it's looking like 6-7 won't be enough this year. May need to win out to get in.

7. Pork Chop Express (6-3) - Yet another team where the curtain doesn't match the drapes. Hopkins is the man. Rest of the team is just fair. Pulling out a 25 from the Dolphins defense and your opponent scoring 57 points always helps.

6. Team Bartholomew (3-6) - I still think your team is pretty solid. Wins just haven't been there. Evans, Tarik, and Kerryon combined for less than 10 points. #FeelsBadMan. Basically an elimination game with Sweet Lou.

5. The King's Crusaders (5-4) - Classic. Hanging in there. Biding his time. In 4 of 5 wins, the opponent has scored 104, 86, 106, 86. Kareem Hunt has been super hot, but who else gets it done? No way you can rely on Josh Gordon.

4. Team BG (6-3) - Had EEB on the ropes and couldn't finish him off. That's unfortunate. Had a lot of beef with Tevin Coleman and Mark Ingram couldn't clap back. Get to welcome TPG in Week 10.

3. Dueling Pylons (6-3) - Pylons are hot. On a W4. Winners of 5 of 6. Up to 2nd in points. Absolutely zero depth, but the Pylons seem to have found a winning combination. Also has beaten teams #1 and #2 (who only have 3 losses combined). Everything still in play.

2. Surefire Intelligence (7-2) - I miss Tiny Hands. Fallen to 3rd in points. Has only cracked 125 once in the past 5 weeks. I'm not overly concerned, but this team has definitely slowed down over the last couple weeks. Still think #2 is right.

1. Long and Thunderous (8-1) - Nobody is hotter right now. Went over 150 for the 3rd time in 4 weeks with some main players on the bye. The showdown in Week 13 with Phil looms. A lot could be on the line in that matchup.


As I indicated, we'll convert to the playoff view next week with just 3 weeks remaining. Huge games this week. I really don't think a 6-7 team gets in this year. I also think a 7-6 team is going to miss out,, but we'll see. Going to come down to the last week, as always. Enjoy Week 10!
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Tuesday, October 30, 2018

His Cheek Was on the Pitch!


Ghost Written by: B. Lobitz Jr.

Week 8 is officially in the books and it was a doozy.  The first game of the week led to some graphic content:


Which led me to react like this little girl (to both the ridiculous skill of this catch and the absurd OPI penalty called on @nukdabomb):


“IF” I were going to follow the blog format of our studious commish I would do a “beef of the week” here but I will leave that task for him once he gets back to blogging….  “IF”, I were to do a “mini” BOTW it would have been with the referees, the roughing the passer penalties are out of control, but we all already know this.  Complaining about it even further would just make me feel like a Democrat, I’ll just leave it alone.  Another possible mini BOTW could have been with the city of LA…How can your team be a remarkable 7-0 and have a home game where the visiting team's fans fill the rafters?!?! I was actually astonished when I heard that crowd.  Haha.  What a JOKE!!! This is how they tried to cover up the USC logo from a game in the coliseum the night before???





Great Googly Moogly.  The city is a complete joke, and anyone that lives there should be ashamed of themselves.  They don’t deserve Gurley.  Speaking of the USC game, this guy is the odds on favorite to be the “first person drafted by Lobitz post-blackout next year”:


*****Monday Update*****

One more “mini” BOTW that I am certainly NOT going to address is Hue Jackson.  On Monday morning the Browns woke up (literally and physically) and finally said:


To call this massive loser a dumpster fire would be a severe understatement. He had multiple players comparing him to Michael Scott with reporters (except he wasn’t beloved like Michael).  I know we have all heard them before, but let the numbers 1-31 set in for a minute… 1-31!!!!! Uno and treinta y uno!!!! I – XXXI!!!!  ONE AND THIRTY-ONE!!!  I just cant, so I wont.  We thank Hue for all his contributions to the company and wish him the best in all his future endeavors.


Now on to some non-football fun…. Much to the surprise of nobody reading this I am going to talk a little bit about gambling.  What an incredible world we live in, it really is remarkable.  The Titanic 2 is set for its maiden voyage in 2022 and you can actually bet on if it will sink or not (Yes +2000 No -5000).  Sharp money is on “No” but heavy early degenerate “Yes” money is steaming the line down.  Creed 2 is coming out on Thanksgiving and in a much anticipated bout, the son of Apollo Creed will be fighting the son of Ivan Drago (for those of you living on the moon, Ivan killed Apollo in Rocky 4), and you CAN BET ON IT (Creed -1000 Drago +600).  I can see myself on opening day, stuffed with turkey and IPAs, at the local AMC 8, rooting the Russian on to cash my $20 Drago ticket.  “THROW THE DAMN TOWEL!!”

THEN, the next day, on Black Friday @ 3P.M. EST via a “well worth the price” PPV we get to experience the sheer joy on the face of Phil Mickelson doing things like this:



FIFTY GRAND???  I am not sure if anyone else in EFFL is an avid golf fan like me, but I am going to seriously enjoy watching this.  And you best believe I will be betting on it.  I may even open up this prop bet for EFFL members to bet on.

Which total will be higher??

$$$ lost by me on Thanksgiving Football Bets + $$$ lost by me on the Tiger V. Phil

Or

$$$ spent by his wife shopping on Black Friday

It’s going to be an expensive 4 day span, and I cannot wait for it.


Power Rankings
(I am also going to assign a Most Liked Player (MLP), and Least Liked Player (LLP) on each squad, call it a quasi mid-season award ceremony of sorts if you want.  This will be based partially on merit and mostly so I can love on my favorite players and talk shit on players I don’t like).

14.) Tequila Party Gnomes (1-7): The Championship hangover is REAL….and its SPECTACULAR!  This week I offered you DJ Moore for Jameis Winston (who btw is your backup to a QB that has already had his bye, is a future first ballot Hall of Famer, AND only missed 3 games in the last 14 YEARS) and got laughed at.  Then I watched you start Keelan Cole, Corey Clement, and Nhymen Hines who combined for 11 points.  Winston throws 4 picks and gets benched for Fitzmagic…. Now I’m laughing. (P.S. – Keep the Leonardo Fournetti voice notes coming!!)

MLP: Alvin Kamara: As Napoleon Dynamite would say, “it's pretty much my favorite animal.”  I love everything about this guy.  Its a shame he’s being wasted on the Gnomes.

LLP: Amari Cooper:  Guy has done nothing (currently WR59) and Dallas trades a 1st round pick for him?? I hope it’s a top 10 selection.


13.) Tweeting in the Trenches (1-7): Another week, another loss.  Brutal season, and at this point, if I were you, I would just focus on the GMen (which should be easy since you have the same record as them).

MLP: Aaron Jones: The only thing holding this guy back is terrible coaching by McCarthy.  He's a beast, should be a bell cow but they, for some inexplicable reason, keep using Williams and Ty Montgomery.  Makes no sense

LLP: Dalvin Cook: Can’t fault the guy for getting injured but not being able to bounce back at this point seems like a case of vaginitis.


12.) Ouch! My Hamstringy! (4-4): Snuck it past a bad TITTY squad this week.  I just don’t see much going for you.  You got Brady, but Fournette may never play and only one other player excites me.

MLP: Phillip Lindsay: As reference above, this guy gets me amped up!! Looks like a rising star and should only see more playing time going forward.  Benny likey.

LLP: Tom Brady:  Doesn’t everybody dislike Brady at this point?


11.) The Monkeys (3-5):  Nice showing this week.  Wentz looks like he could be rounding into the form he was in last year prior to the injury (hopefully).  Gotta be disappointed in the output from DJ and OBJ so far.  If they turn it up those 3 guys could carry you.

MLP: Carson Wentz: Doesn’t everybody like Wentz at this point?

LLP: OBJ:  Why cant this guy just act like a normal person for a change.  Call Bobby Boucher and enjoy some high quality H2O.


10.) The Old Ball Sack (3-5): Yet another nice game out of Luck and AB showed up in a big way.  Anemic otherwise.  Nothing here makes me think you will surge going forward.

MLP: Andrew Luck:  I am extremely impressed in how he has come back as I thought there was a chance he had “dead arm” and was totally cooked.  Comeback POY candidate.  Tough guy.  Role Model.

LLP: Cooper Kupp:  Nothing negative to say….I just hate em, cuz I ain't em.


9.) Bo$$town Cutter (4-4): A win against TPG doesn’t get the attention of anyone in this league.  Not really scared of the firepower, or lack thereof coming from this team. . . I think I might have read somewhere that the Red Sox won the World Series, so congrats on that….I guess.

MLP: Jared Goff:  Living up to being the #1 overall pick in a big way.  Working well with McVay and the offense just seems unstoppable.  And gotta love his city!!

LLP: Jordan Howard:  Brutally bad plodder that takes opportunities away from the human joystick.  Yuck.


8.) Geno 911 (3-5): Cousins, Saquon, DJax, Jeffery, Ertz, Hilton.  I fear them all (especially if Hilton can ever get to 100%). Fortunately for me I play you next week when 4 of them are on bye.  I could see a late season surge from you.

MLP: Saquon Barkley:  I hate to say it since he is a GMan but the dude is just an absolute stud.  Assuming they get Herbert #1 overall next year and a new HC he will be deadly.

LLP: Marshawn Lynch:  While I know he will probably be dropped soon since he is on IR, this gives me one last opportunity to say, his antics just never did it for me.  Immense skill, but just couldn’t do an interview when he was supposed to.  Doesn’t seem like a difficult task.  Good riddance.


7.) Team Bartholomew (3-5): Not much analysis here, solid squad, right in the hunt.  Gotta see how the cookie crumbles.

MLP: Tarik Cohen:  So small in stature, so big in STATSture.  Absolutely love every time he gets the rock in his hands.

LLP: Demaryius Thomas:  Big, slow, bad hands, low on target share, bad QB, need I say more.


6.) Pork Chop Express (5-3): The commish said it well on last weeks blog…”Fading”  “on the surface should be good, but overall underperformance”. I agree.  Was hoping Chubb getting bell cow duties would be a serious boost but it's just not happening.  Thanks Cleveland!!

MLP: Deandre Hopkins:  Nuk is the man, and he knows it

LLP: Corey Davis:  Why cant this guy live up to the expectations.  I know his offense is lethargic but he should man up and be better than WR47.


5.) Dueling Pylons (5-3): Seem to be on a nice little run after some tough matchups.  Rodgers + Gurley has opponents always staring down the barrel of a shotgun, but I don’t know that you can ride James White the rest of the way home.

MLP: Todd Gurley: MVP…. Was really hoping the play where he went down at the 1 was going to cost you this week's game but even though Todd likes the Rams more than the Pylons you still finally caught an opponent (THBT) on a down week so it didn’t matter.  Would have made for great blog material, but oh well.

LLP: James White: The fact that this guy is a thing makes me so annoyed.  RB5 on the season.  Why do teams REFUSE to cover him out of the backfield?  Makes no sense.


4.) The Kings Crusaders (4-4): I like the outlook for this squad as they seem very solid all around.  If Mitch keeps it up, this team could be a scary playoff opponent any given week.

MLP: Kareem Hunt: Whats not to like here?  Andy Reid thinks he is “elite” and although it's rare that this happens, I agree with Big Red.

LLP:  Josh Gordon: How does this guy keep getting opportunities? He clearly can't and won't get his act together.  Now not being able to show up on time in New England.  Wont be surprised if BB cuts his ass.


3.) Team BG (6-2): I love your creativity with the team name.  Maybe next season you could get crazy and go with “Team Brandon” or “Team 10”.  Another solid all around team.  Great WR talent/depth.  Been hearing fantasy pundits saying Mayfield could have the most favorable matchups for fantasy purposes the rest of the way…But Cleveland.

MLP: Michael Thomas: Twitter handle of “cantguardmike”…..and it hits the nail right on the head.

LLP: Baker Mayfield:  No other reason than he is a “hate the face” guy to me.  I wanna punch it.


2.) Tiny Hands Bigly Tweets (6-2): Shit the bed this week, but cant ignore the record and point total.  Mahomes to Hill can win any game at any time…Zeke….Adams.  Uh-Oh.

MLP: Patrick Mahomes: Hit the ground running and has made the league a lot more fun.  Love watching him play.  Glad he is in the AFC.

LLP: Ezekiel Elliott: Major bias here as I dislike ALL Cowboys.  Especially the talented ones.  Luckily they don’t have many.


1.) Cash me Out Wide (7-1):  I personally got the pleasure of being on the wrong end of this squad this week.  At the end of the day when I saw the list of leading rushers and the top 3 were Conner, AP, and Mixon all I could do was laugh.  Dropped 152 and for some absurd reason started Kelvin Benjamin (6) and Funchess (5) over Tyler Boyd (28).  Didn’t matter.  This team is good.  Can't say much more.  Other than I guess I need to change my draft strategy next year…. The formula is as follows----- Become unreachable early afternoon + show up an hour late to the draft + complain for an additional 1.5 hours about all the amazing players I got = Have best team in the league…Got it.


I will leave you all by paying homage to our absentee blogger and exalted commish with some #billsmafia material and wish him GOOD LUCK on his actuary exam this week (which is the reason you were all stuck reading my rubbish, instead of  his.):


And this hero, who looks like he got a bukkake from Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut:




I hope you all enjoyed this week's blog. I enjoyed writing it. Good luck in Week 9!

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Wednesday, October 24, 2018

Week 7 in the Books


Yes, that's Chad Kelly. Yes, he's no longer on a football team following a mysterious arrest. Let's hear it from Rotoworld:

"Now ex-teammate Von Miller had a Halloween party Monday night. Kelly apparently got too intoxicated, had physical altercations with a guest and then security. The 24-year-old somehow then ended up in a stranger's residence, sitting on the couch, mumbling incoherent words. Police arrived and arrested Kelly for first-degree criminal trespassing."

This is ridiculous. It's story time.

Many moons ago, in 2005-2006, Christiana Towers housed 3 league members and an extremely religious alcoholic. One hungover morning, TPG recounts (and keep me honest here) his previous night, where entered an unlocked door, and subsequently slept over... some random dude's apartment.

Apparently, after drinking, Matt returned to Christiana Towers West, but did not enter room 809. He entered a different, unoccupied room on the 8th floor. He disrobed, preparing for sleep. He opened drawers, found bball shorts, and went to sleep in a bunk bed. The next morning, he returned to his roommates in 809 West. Somehow, some way. his presence went undetected. He kept the bball shorts. Cost of doing business for the guy having someone sleep over.

Now, is what Chad Kelly did, THAT bad?!?! He got kicked off the team for getting drunk and slurring words? Come on. The league needs heroes like Chad Kelly. I hope he doesn't go Manziel and ruin his life with sobriety.


This was the best thing from Week 7. This was the best thing to date this season. Who wears a shirt that says "I shaved my balls for this?" Getting to see Showtime Mahomes is exactly why you SHOULD shave your balls.

Beef of the Week: Showtime Mahomes

This is a horrible nickname. Is he a TV channel? How did this nickname catch on. I don't get it. I'm not on board. Not every QB needs a nickname. In fact, I don't even know how many I can name:

Captain Kirk
Big Dick Nick
The Red Rocket

Basically, if it's not a euphemism, it's not that funny. What is "Showtime" Mahomes? I hope that goes away. I really do.

Here's some more funny stuff from Week 7:




When she sees BG walk by (no coincidence the numbers in this picture are 6/6):


This poor lady was murdered by Kenny Stills:


Another angle:


I need Tatz dressed like this all the time:


Power Rankings

Starting to see a bit of separation in the EFFL.

14. Tweeting in the Trenches (1-6) - Last week: 14 - See you in 2019. This season is cooked.

13. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (3-4) - Last week: 13 - Respectable. Won a game. Looks to be trending upwards. Leonardo will be back at some point.

12. Stanky Monkeys (2-5) - Last week: 12 - Still only 2 games back with plenty of time to play. This team hasn't turned it on like I've expected.

11. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-6) - Last week: 11 - Truly snakebitten in 2018. Could go down as the highest player ever drafted in the EFFL to never play a snap. Sucks.

10. Bo$$town Cutter (4-3) - Last week: 9 - Had no problem dropping 140 on me. I'm still leaning towards you being out of the playoffs.

9. The Old Ball Sack (3-4) - Last week: 10 - This team is like a retirement home. Would've been pretty good in 2014. Different story this year. Work to be done.

8. Pork Chop Express (5-2) - Last week: 5 - Fading. Team won a couple games with low point totals. This team could easily be below .500. Typical Lobitz team. On the surface should be good, but overall underperformance.

7. The King's Crusaders (4-3) - Last week: 7 - Unlike many others, headed in the right direction. You've planned weeks in advance which usually helps you down the stretch.

6. Geno 911 (2-5) - Last week: 8 - It does feel a bit weird to have a 2-5 team this high, but you've been pounded by so many dudes, and it's not your fault. Team isn't half bad.

5. Team BG (5-2) - Last week: 4 - After a hot start, has come back down to earth a bit. Your team is still pretty good. Shouldn't have any problems making the playoffs.

4. Team Bartholomew (3-4) - Last week: 6 - Finally got it right. This team could easily be among the elite if not for poor lineup decisions. I think you figure it out going forward. Dangerous team.

3. Dueling Pylons (4-3) - Last week: 3 - Over .500 for the first time this season. DUPY is scorching hot. 140+ points 4 weeks in a row. Sony Michel injury hurts, but he'll be back.

2. Cash Me Out Wide (6-1) - Last week: 2 - I can't keep up with your team name. Just pick one. Julio will score at some point. Maybe not in 2018, but at some point he will score another TD.

1. Tiny Hands Bigly Tweets (6-1) - Last week: 1 - Big matchup with DUPY this week. Thank you for erroneously texting me that you love me. I accept.


Looking forward to a fun week 8. We will have a guest blogger next week. If you would like to guest blog at any point, just let me know!

Also don't forget the weekly London games at this point. Lot of 9:30 starts.

LASTLY, there will be a Monday night Rams/Chiefs game played this season. It will be at the Azteca in Mexico City. If you'd like to join me on a trip to Mexico for probably the best NFL game this season, let's do it up!
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Tuesday, October 16, 2018

Back in Biz


Well how the hell are ya?!? Blog is back in the saddle after a one week hiatus. Football was good this week. Finally. There was a Nathan Peterman sighting. He immediately threw a pick-6. Brock Osweiler won a football game. Jets/Colts subjected everyone to a combined 76 points. Chiefs/Pats. The Monday night game. Tyreek Hill got beer thrown on him and Drew Rosenhaus wanted to press charges. This week had it all.

It also had the Notorious MMA, who of course is a Cowboys fan.




All the Cowboys were doing the McGregor... except for Cole Beasley, who... I don't know what this is


Best celebration of the week, however, goes to Marquise Goodwin. And not just because he was on Tatz's bench and I won because of it:


Now, this is not necessarily a beef, but more of a question. How does Booger McFarland, on his "Booger Cart" get literally the best seat anyone could ever have at a football game? This doesn't even exist! Nobody wants to be in the first couple rows because you're so low to the action. You want to be at least 10 rows up to get some viewing angle.

Booger is practically on the sideline, elevated 10 feet above sea level, blocking everyone's view. He's got the best of both worlds! You heat up.. the ice!! Look at these views!



I want these seats.

Beef of the Week: The New York FOOTBAW Giants

This may or may not be a long rant. Depends how I feel once I get going.

This is moreso Troy Aikman inspiring this beef. "You feel bad for Pat Shurmur. First year head coach. Team has no discipline on the field. No discipline off the field."

You know who demands accountability and discipline, Troy?!?!? HEAD COACHES! If Odell is a whiny brat fighting a wind tunnel on the sideline and then jogging off with time remaining on the clock, you as a coach must hold him accountable. Sit his ass down and tell him to stop his temper tantrum. If you commit a billion penalties for head-hunting that's completely avoidable, you bench a player. If there are no consequences for your actions, there's no discipline. It starts with the head coach. Your head coach sucks.

Then, we got to the Eli thing about how the fans revolted when Eli was benched. Not because he sucked. Not because he won a Super Bowl over a decade ago. But because the alternative was Geno Smith. "He's earned that respect. You've gotta get signoff from ownership to bench the QB" No you fucking don't! Coach chooses which players play, not ownership. This isn't Any Given Sunday. Cameron Diaz isn't waltzing the sideline demanding you play Willie Beamen (even though benching the old, washed up white guy for the young, black gunslinger was exactly what Cameron wanted). The fans were mad because they thought Eli gave them the best chance to win when the coaching staff, who actually knows football, felt otherwise.

They ran ol Ben McAdoo and his luscious mustache (pronounced moo-stah-kee) out of town. And now what happens? Eli is mercilessly booed, while everyone is enamored with Saquon Barkley's thick thighs. You'll see Saquon jerseys everywhere. They love him. Everyone in the North Jersey area went to Penn State. And you know who the biggest hypocrites are?!? All of these so-called Giants fans. Got bent out of shape over a QB getting benched, then boo him afterwards, then go nuts over a RB, when the Giants had a chance to draft a QB. It's so hypocritical. Do you want a new QB or not?!?!? It won't happen. Eli will just keep losing and losing and losing. BUT YOU CAN'T BENCH HIM. HE'S EARNED THAT!

You know what Eli's record is since 2012? 27-51. That's almost 6 seasons of football with a 34.6% winning percentage. HE'S EARNED THAT RESPECT. I honestly hope they never bench him.


Power Rankings

14. Tweeting in the Trenches (1-5) - Last week: 14. Finally won a game! Hooray! Enjoy the Giants. I see no hope for this team.

13. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (2-4) - Last week: 11. Ladies, please. Make an effort. Using guys like Niles Paul and Ryan Grant is offensive to the league.

12. Stanky Monkeys (2-4) - Last week: 13. Still think this team will come around. 2-4 is no problem with all of the 3-3 teams. Could be moving up in the next couple weeks.

11. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-5) - Last week: 8. Not looking good for TPG. Le'Veon refuses to return. Saints will carry you. I'm still surprised by the record.

10. The Old Ball Sack (3-3) - Last week: 10. Narrowly missed out on winning a game with fewer than 90 points. I still don't see it. I think you'll get pushed down the standings.

9. Bo$$town Cutter (4-2) - Last week: 12. Moving up, and the 4-2 record is nice, but man this team is not intimidating. Of course dropped 140 on me.

8. Geno 911 (2-4) - Last week: 9. This is unheard of. 4th in points scored, but only 2-4. Sounds like the Pylons season. Up 81-0 after Thursday night, you probably felt great. Actually, you probably have no idea what's happening in the EFFL as you climb Mount Fuji. Sick pictures.

7. The King's Crusaders (3-3) - Last week: 6. Still on the fence. You'll probably get in the playoffs, but I think this team is volatile. Putting all your eggs in the Lions basket.

6. Team Bartholomew (2-4) - Last week: 7. Your team also is improving but the record doesn't show it. That's also surprising to me. Too many points on the bench. You'll get it right.

5. Pork Chop Express (5-1) - Last week: 3. Won 2 fantasy games by fewer than 2 points combined. That's impressive. Fewer points than a number of 2-4 teams. Gotta feel a bit lucky for a change.

4. Team BG (4-2) - Last week: 2. Fallen back a bit after a hot start. Did have everyone on a bye though. I still think you're one of the better teams in the league.

3. Dueling Pylons (3-3) - Last week: 5. Always hesitant to move myself up, but DP is hot. Averaging over 150 the past 3 weeks. Seems to have found the right combo. Rodgers/Gurley is absolutely on fire.

2. MC Dosh - Hammer Time (5-1) - Last week: 4. I moved you up, alright? James Conner seemed to be fading, but he's back. You've allowed 95 or fewer points in 4 of 6 weeks. That helps. But your team is looking good with the Bengals and Falcons.

1. Tiny Hands Bigly Tweets (5-1) - Last week: 1. Clearly the top team in the league at this point. This happened a couple years ago also. Could very well be you and Dosh battling for the bye. You play each other in Week 13.



Thanks for reading the Eli rant, and the entire blog. Only TPG and TITTY aren't within 1 game of a playoff spot, and they're 2 back. Still everything to play for as we reach the halfway point.
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