Down to the Final Week

This is my favorite time of year. You get to stuff your face with lots of food and alcohol and nobody
cares how much. In addition, I get to point and laugh at teams that miss the playoffs and prepare myself
for yet another failed attempt to even make the championship game. It was another week of truly awful
NFL games. It amazes me every single week how many bad teams there are. Texans-Lions was the only
reasonably entertaining game.  Also, it makes me laugh that Jim Harbaugh finally got his excuse to bench Alex Smith.  They inquired about Peyton Manning.  Smith didn't cry like Cutler and demand out of town.  He just came back with his tail between his legs and got benched for the most jacked QB and the worst nose in the league.  The Niners look tough.

What's also amusing to me is that the two teams in each league that were ridiculed the most at the draft are the two that are in last place.  Turns out people know what they are talking about.  Unfortunately, with only one week left in the EFFL regular season, there is no time left to make up ground.  All you can hope for at this point is that you've either got a shot, or you're not EEB.  I'm still truly stunned at how close everyone is this year.  Usually there's at least one or two teams that are far above the competition, but throughout the entire season, it has remained extremely tight.  The trade deadline went off without any major moves.  Keep in mind again that anybody added from this point forward is not eligible to be kept next year.  See the bottom of the blog for the 2013 keeper rules.  I've tried to come up with a system that helps everybody.

Beef of the Week: I enjoy living in New York.  There are multiple bars with NFL Sunday Ticket on every block.  But one of the things that drove me insane about NY before I moved here are the people.  It starts with a simple "AY!!! LOOKADISGUY!!!"  This week it was some jackass in an early 90s Giants Jesse Armstead jersey screaming at Rams-Cardinals because he has a gambling problem.  Tension reached a head when he danced and shouted at an ancient Steven Jackson "COME ON KID!!!"  This is something Chris Fusco would say in 2001 as a teenager.  No adult male should be using the term "kid" to describe Steven Jackson.  This epitomized the New Yorker that everyone hates.  It really is amazing that just one innocent phrase can be so infuriating, but damn that ranked high on the beef meter.

Now, if you read everything above here, I'm sure you're wondering why you've had to read so long to find out where your team stands.  This is one of my favorite parts of the blog... The scenario generator.  It's like the app where you can click potential winners in the NCAA Tournament and see where your picks would end up if it actually happened.  Let's get into it.

EFFL League 1

* 1. Dueling Pylons (7-5) - How could this be???  The last time the Pylons earned a bye was in 2007.  A win over the King in week 13 would lock up the #1 or #2 seed.  With a loss, this team will almost certainly be playing somebody in the wild card round in week 14.  Regardless, the Pylons have locked up a playoff spot and will remain in League 1 next season.  Remarkably, if the Pylons lose, 8-5 will be the #1 seed and 7-6 will be the #2 seed.

* 2. Eat My Asomugha (7-5) - Everything written about the Pylons pretty much holds true for Nick.  This team has never earned a bye since joining the league, but just needs one win over TPG to do it.  The winner of EMA-TPG is guaranteed a first round bye.  The unfortunate thing for Nick is that with a loss this team cannot get a bye and is guaranteed to have a week 14 matchup.

* 3 Tequila Party Gnomes (7-5) - The Gnomes knocked off a hapless Lady Luck squad to qualify for the 2012 playoffs.  This will be the Gnomes 6th straight playoff appearance which is a very impressive streak.  With a win over Nick, TPG will lock up the #1 seed regardless of any other results.  Likewise a loss will mean that TPG will have to face somebody in week 14.  It's worth noting that Nick and Matt cannot face each other in week 14.

4. Lady Luck (6-6) - By virtue of a win over both Christophers in weeks 1 and 3, Lady Luck currently owns the tiebreaker over both and occupies the fourth spot.  Make no mistake about it though... This team is no certainty to make the playoffs.  Here are a few things we know: 1. A win will clinch a playoff spot. 2. This team cannot get a bye. 3. An EEB loss will clinch a playoff spot.  4. A loss, EEB victory, and King victory will eliminate this team.  5. A loss, EEB victory and King outscoring EEB on the season will eliminate this team.

5. The King's Crusaders (6-6) - Chris is in far better shape than Sam for a playoff spot despite being currently behind.  Did a nice job to pass Fusco in points.  Win and you're in.  You may actually end up being helped out by Fusco's high point total because if you end up in a three way tie with him and EEB, one of you is likely to win the tiebreaker, and then you own head-to-head tiebreaker.  The only way you can be eliminated is if EEB wins and beats you in season points, you lose, and Sam loses.  That would be a dramatic turn of events.  With one week to go, can be out completely or still get a bye.  A dramatic effort from Cam Newton just wasn't enough.

6. Tweeting in the Trenches (6-6) - Despite being below Lady Luck, this team is in far better position to qualify for the playoffs.  Disregarding everything else, as long as EEB doesn't outscore Fusco by 79 points in week 13, Fusco will be in.  This team is actually still in play for a bye if the Pylons lose, but more than likely will be playing somebody in week 14.  A loss, EEB victory, King victory and being outscored by 79 is what it would take to eliminate you.

7. Coach Janky Spanky (5-7) - Hanging by a thread, but you are somehow still in it.  You must win a 3rd straight elimination game to stay alive.  The best case scenario for you is if Chris Woody and Fusco both win.  If both Woodys win, you're out.  You need to either end up in a two way tie with Sam Woody or get a 3 way tie and hope that you can overtake Fusco, Chris Woody, or both in points to stay alive.  This should be interesting.

x 8. Stanky Monkeys (4-8) - The Pylons officially knocked the Stanky Monkeys out of the playoffs and ensured that Lou will be in the relegation battle.  Prepare your team, as a two week playoff against the #7 team will determine who will move to League 2.  Most likely it will be EEB or Sam.  While I do feel bad that you've missed the playoffs for a 2nd straight season, I'm sure you'll be back.  Just know that if you beat EEB's ass this week, it gives you the right to beat his ass two more weeks in a row and send that clown down.

EFFL League 2

* 1. Team Toliver (8-4) - Yashar took advantage of a reeling Tatz squad and now is looking to be in outstanding position for a bye.  Actually, I'm going to call it right now.  I don't see any way that Cutter outscores you by more than 100 points next week, so you sir will officially have a first round bye.  Take some time getting settled in Austin.  Your next important matchup will be in week 15.  You will need to win one of two games to move up to League 1.

* 2. Bo$$town Beasts (7-5) - I have to be honest.  I thought this team was lucky to start 4-1 and was not all that surprised when this team lost 4 straight.  Over the past couple weeks, I'm now starting to believe.  Cutty locked up a playoff spot and is surely in play for a bye.  I hope you hit that bowl after clinching.  I'm sure you did regardless.

* 3. Threeing the Hogs (7-5) - Just didn't have enough steam to get the comeback Monday night.  You'll probably finish in the 2-3 range, but your bye chances took a severe hit with a loss to cellar dweller Dosh.  Benching Julio Jones in favor of Miles Austin did not appear to be a wise decision.  Getting some momentum heading into the playoffs is going to be important.

 4. RGIII for President (6-6) - A tough loss against a desperate team in week 12 was unavoidable.  Despite the loss, it would take something truly remarkable for this team to be knocked out of the playoffs.  You would need to lose, have Meech win, have Ben win, have Tatz win, and have Meech outscore you by over 100 points to not get in.  You have nothing to worry about.  Your point total is going to be more than enough to get you in.

5. Claiborne Supremacy (6-6) - It looked like you had a real shot at the bye for awhile.  Despite falling to 5th, like Darryl you're really in no danger of missing the playoffs.  If Darryl wins, you're in.  If you win, you're in.  If Ben or Meech lose, you're in.  To miss the playoffs, Darryl must lose, you must lose, Ben and Meech must win.  Additionally, Ben and Meech must both outscore Darryl's season point total, which is around a 100 point difference each.  You'll be fine.

6. The Heads of State (5-7) - I can't believe this team is a tiebreaker away from being out.  Basically, if you win or Ben loses, you'll get in.  If you lose and he wins, you're out.  I don't see either of you overtaking Darryl's points lead and Tatz owns the head-to-head tiebreaker over both you and Ben.  Who would've thought that Fitz, Money Mike and Vernon Davis would combine for just 7 points in one of the most critical weeks.  Hey, I guess when your QBs are Ryan Lindley, Charlie Batch, and Colin Kaepernick, anything can happen.

7. Jersey Leshoure (5-7) - Got another must have game in the win column and is still alive.  You have to win and have Big Meech lose to get in.  There's really not much else to say.  If you thought it was funny this week that Dez was streaking down the field and doing unlawful things to the Skins secondary, just imagine what he's gonna do against Nnamdi.  All you can ask for is to have a shot at the end.  I wish you good luck.

x 8. BABY TEES (4-8) - Unfortunately your game against Tatz in week 13 is going to be pretty meaningless.  The good news is that your season is mercifully just about done and remarkably you cracked 100 points in every week but one.  Maybe allowing teams to start 4 tight ends next year would level the playing field for you.

I've also been thinking about what is going to happen with keepers for next year, and I've come up with the following:

1. If you do not change leagues, everyone on your roster who is eligible to be a keeper will remain on your team.

2. For the three teams that move up to League 1, any ineligible keepers (drafted in top 40), as well as any eligible players still on a League 1 roster will be removed from your roster.  The three teams will then have a "mini-draft" to ravage the team that was sent down.

For example, if Yashar moves up, he has Percy Harvin as an eligible keeper.  Since he was drafted in the first 5 rounds by Woody, he would already have been removed from his roster in the offseason.  As a result, Yashar could keep Harvin.  Yashar also has his boy Tony G.  EEB also has Tony G.  Since he is eligible in League 1, if EEB does NOT get sent down (unlikely), Yashar could not keep Gonzalez, as EEB would take priority as a remaining League 1 member.  The mini-draft would take place after this process is completed.

3. For the one team that goes from League 1 to League 2, the same criteria apply.  The new League 2 member can choose ONE additional player not on his roster to add from the three former members after all ineligible players are removed.  This process does not give any severe disadvantage to the remaining teams in League 2.

Despite this being multiple steps, it shouldn't be too difficult to enforce.  We will cross that bridge when we reach it, but I wanted to put something in writing before the end of the season.  I hope this appeases everybody.  Good luck to everyone in the final week of the season.  I'm looking forward to the playoffs.

Distractions Prove Costly

There are a few things I hate when it comes to fantasy football.  Near the top of this list: having to change the blog after it’s written, and seeing Nick Gambino in sole possession of first place.  I can’t believe it’s happened, but it did.  I could have sworn Fusco had it in the bag, but he is now in serious danger due to an awful Monday night performance.

Before we get into all of the playoff scenarios, I want to make a few points.  I am using, not abusing, my power as commissioner to extend the trading deadline.  If Goodell can do it, so can I.  As has been done in the past, ESPN demands that your trading deadline be on a Wednesday at noon.  I don’t like this structure.  I am overruling this and extending the deadline by 12 hours to midnight Wednesday night.  Provided both teams approve a trade before midnight, I will manually go in and adjust rosters to reflect the trade.

Second, keep in mind that any player added after week 12 CANNOT be kept next year.  I am still in the process of working out a system so that teams who change leagues can keep their own players.  If you stay in your current league, you will not have any keepable players taken away from you.  Remarkably, through 11 weeks, the only person we can officially say will remain in the same league next year is Dosh.  Based on his draft, this is hardly a surprise.  If you are unsure about what players are eligible keepers, open the history sheet on the blog.  There is plenty of information there.

I have far too much beef with the Eagles “brass” to fit into one blog entry.  Everyone must go.  Lurie needs to grab Jon Gruden out of the booth, have him trade the entire team for draft picks, and get to work.  

What’s really saddening to me is that Andy Reid has quite obviously lost his eye for talent.  I used always assume that Andy knew what he was doing, but as time has passed, this has become far less true.  See what Foles has, and if he doesn’t have it, trade up and draft Matt Barkley.  This team needs to draft a franchise quarterback.

It appears that 7 is the magic number of wins in both leagues.  Getting to 7 wins guarantees that you will be in the playoffs.  I am still looking at getting together for week 15 (December 16^th).  I’ve gotten confirmations from Fusco, Dosh and Tatz thus far.  Here’s how things are shaping up:

EFFL League 1:

*** Keep in mind that every team that is 6-5 will clinch a playoff spot with a win OR will clinch a playoff spot with EEB and Lou defeats.  We know that at least one of EEB and Lou will be in the relegation battle.  The relegation battle is a two week combined matchup in weeks 14 and 15 to send one team down to League 2.  In all honesty, there’s a very real possibility that we’ll all be sitting around during Giants-Skins in 2 weeks waiting to determine the playoff matchups. ***

* 1. Eat My Asomugha (7-4) – If Sam is Lady Luck, then this team has to be at best Mannish Luck.  Despite being near the bottom in league points, Nick has locked up a playoff spot in 2012.  A first round bye is an actual possibility, but I wouldn’t count on it yet.  Faces a desperate EEB squad in week 12.  The over/under should be around 200.  This team probably needs the bye to avoid an early exit.

2. The King’s Crusaders (6-5) – The King emerges from the massive tie looking fairly strong.  Currently in bye position and holding his own fate.  Probably has the toughest remaining schedule against the Pylons and TITTY, but I doubt this team is intimidated.  Winner of 5 straight, many are left asking how Woody has done it yet again.

3. Tequila Party Gnomes (6-5) – I’ve had to shift the standings multiple times.  Since Fusco dropped out of the tiebreaker, Woody grabbed the top spot, but TPG owns tiebreakers over both Lady Luck and the Pylons.  Has the schedule you’d want down the stretch.  The only real danger at this point would be somehow ending up in a two way tie with EEB.  This seems highly unlikely, but I wouldn’t want to risk it.

4. Dueling Pylons (6-5) – The Pylons suffered a massive blow with the injury to Gronk, but finally broke the losing streak in the process.  It’s amazing what happens when you don’t get 140 dropped on you every week.  Had the Pylons scored 7 more points, they’d be in the bye position right now, but there is time left.  Considering the recent success against Lady Luck, a playoff matchup would be welcomed.

5. Lady Luck (6-5) – Considering Sam and Lou split the season series, this team should feel very fortunate that EEB snuck out a victory despite another pathetic performance.  Faces two of the top teams in the last two weeks, and I wouldn’t be all that surprised to see this team finish 6-7, which still may be enough.  The season sweep of EMA may not come into play.

6. Tweeting in the Trenches (5-6) – What a meltdown from Fusco.  Looked extremely good going into Sunday night with Ray Ray and BMarsh going against the Gambino special teams.  It was not to be.  Perhaps because these are EEB’s go to guys and he’s never won anything.  After a heartbreaking defeat, the last thing you want to see is The King’s Crusaders on the docket.  This will make for an interesting final two weeks to see if Fusco can finally get in.

7. Coach Janky Spanky (4-7) – This is where things get interesting.  Fought off elimination with a stellar 103 point performance against Lou and got a gift with the Fusco defeat.  This team is hanging by a thread, but it does exist.  Must defeat Gambino OR get a Fusco loss AND Lou win to stay alive.  Then must beat Lou and have help to get in.  Cannot end up in a 1 v 1 tiebreaker with TITTY.

8. Stanky Monkeys (4-7) – Missed a golden opportunity to get back into the playoff hunt, but it is not over yet.  Now with 5 straight losses, the hill may be too high to climb.  Must defeat the Pylons in week 12, get a win in week 13 and get some help from around the league since this team will probably not pass Fusco in points scored. During the 5 game losing streak, the Monkeys have scored only 550 points.  It could be a second straight season missing the playoffs for Lou.

EFFL League 2:

*** Yashar is in.  Mike Y is in.  Dosh is out.  The playoff race became a lot less clear in week 11. ***

* 1. Threeing The Hogs (7-4) – Snuck out a week 11 win in unimpressive fashion to lock up a playoff spot.  Had Tatz chosen to start a defense on a bye over the Bears, he would have won by 1 point.  Due to tiebreaker over Yashar, Mike currently occupies the top spot.  Faces a hapless Dosh squad in week 12, so it is looking increasingly likely that this squad will earn a bye and possible promotion.

* 2. Team Toliver (7-4) – A win in week 11 would have gone a very long way in locking up a first round bye.  Still looking OK for a bye and would most likely lock one up with a victory over the Tatz.  There was nothing you could have done this week.  Don’t blame your use of multiple Bills.  Stay the course.

3. RGIII for President (6-5) – Remarkably Darryl has won his 4^th high score of the week!  Nobody else has even won two of these!  That’s a quick $40 to Mr. Hazelwood before any league earnings.  Looking OK for a playoff spot and has the tiebreaker over the other two 6-5 teams.  A win this week would knock Ben out and lock the other 4 teams into playoff spots.

4. Claiborne Supremacy (6-5) – Despite your trek out west to root against your opponent in person, the effort was in vain.  Still in fine shape for the playoffs, but the matchup with Yashar is probably your only shot for a bye.  If you can’t pull that one off, you would need a lot of help to get it.  Unfortunate turn of events after your team has performed so well over the last couple of weeks.  Has tiebreaker over Cutter due to more points scored.

5. Bo$$town Beasts (6-5) – It has to be a great feeling when your opponent only scores 56 points.  But knowing that your team is finally putting it together as the playoffs approach is even better.  Definitely still in play for a bye, but with a loss and Ben victory this week, you could be looking at elimination.  Win and you’re in bo$$.

6. The Heads of State (5-6) – An absolutely horrific showing in week 11.  Good thing you beat Ben twice and have the tiebreaker over him.  This is the classic recipe of the teams on the bubble during tourney time.  Beat up on the weak teams, grab a win here and there, and hope to sneak in.  It may actually work.

7. Jersey Leshoure (4-7) – Finally snapped the 4 game losing streak and got a win to save your season.  The bad news is that the only remaining 5 win team owns a tiebreaker over you.  What this means is that you must win both remaining games and get some help.  It is not impossible for you to still make the playoffs, but a loss will eliminate you.  Still can’t believe you benched Ray Rice for Danny Amendola.

x - 8. BABY TEES (3-8) – At 3-8, your goose is officially cooked.  Nothing worse than being eliminated before Thanksgiving.  The reality is that the best you could hope for is either a two way tie with Meech or a 3 way tie with Ben and Meech.  In either scenario, Mike would own head-to-head tiebreakers and would therefore qualify for the playoffs.  As a result, there is no scenario under which you could qualify.  It was obvious after the draft that your season was destined for futility.  Turns out everyone knew what they were talking about.  The worst thing you can do is let the rest of the league know your Kryptonite.

After a wild finish Monday night, the playoff races have taken dramatic turns.  It looked like we knew which teams would be in and out after this week, but a complete breakdown by perennial bottom-feeder Chris Fusco has thrown things into a frenzy.  I hope you all enjoy your Thanksgiving this week.  I’d be shocked to learn of anyone that plans to drink more than I do.

Singing the Blues

With 10 weeks in the books and only 3 weeks left until the playoffs, there is precious little time left to make a move towards the playoffs.  It is far more enjoyable to me to analyze playoff scenarios instead of finding a new way to talk about the same players you’ve had on your roster since August.  Our first team, Yashar Toliver’s “Team Toliver”, has locked up a playoff spot in League 2.  He is looking like a very strong bet at this point to be one of the teams promoted to League 1.  While I like Yashar, our mutual interest in the Bills is an issue.  This is the highly anticipated blog where we convert from power rankings to playoff standings.  It’s the only way I can justify keeping EEB in last place, which is necessary humor.

I would like to propose a league get together in Week 15 in NYC.  The date is Sunday, December 16^th.  A few things will happen that Sunday.  The relegation battle will conclude with a team from League 1 (Janky Spanky) being demoted to League 2.  Also, the two winners of the semifinal games in League 2 will secure promotion for 2013.  We also will determine the two finalists that will fight for the EFFL trophy.  I know it’s difficult for everyone to get together during the season due to location, but it would be fun during such a critical week.  I am opening my apartment to any and all guests.  Please let me know if you’re interested ASAP so I can make the appropriate arrangements.

Before we get into the deserved bashing of many teams, I would like to include one of the all time great text message rants, brought to you by future League 2 member Eric Brooking:

“No luck at all.  A loss should not have occurred.  Besides the fact of me scoring 137 and still losing, the refs had no interest in letting the Chiefs win that game last night.  So many bad calls against the Chiefs.  None bigger than the Bowe TD called back.  But what are you going to do.  Who would guess that Woody would score a TD from every chump he put up in the lineup?  Who is Greg Olsen?  There is voodoo in Cro’s league.  No other explanation.  You (Matt) always get first pick, Sam scores 5 points a game and is always above .500.  I’m right up with you (Matt), Cro and Fusco for top scoring for the year and I’m 3-7.  Malcom Floyd too.  That guy has the same bone structure of Sidney Rice.  He should be broken by now.”

Where to even start with this?  It’s bad enough that you get ripped on for a month and a half straight for using multiple Chiefs.  When you finally decide to pull the plug, you use Michael Turner?!?!?  It’s not the referees’ fault.  It’s not the “experts’” fault.  It’s not voodoo… It’s you.  Bad, bad managing.  You’ve committed cardinal sin #1 by trading with Woody at the trading deadline.  You’ve now committed sin #2… making a trade during the week you play Woody.  You can’t get out of your own way, and now as a result you are on the verge of being eliminated from the playoffs.  I don’t wanna hear it about how many points you’ve scored.  I’m on pace to blow away a league record for points against.  I may finally have a chance to win something.  The only team thus far that is truly undeserving of their record is Sam Woody.  Only once this season has she had higher than the 10^th best scoring week across both leagues (#7), yet is somehow 6-4.

Beef of the week has been abandoned this week due to lack of beef and abundance of hilarious blog material.  Keep in mind that the trading deadline is next Wednesday, November 21^st at noon.  Nothing gets you fired up for Thanksgiving like a last minute trade.  But let’s get into the playoff scenarios and take a look at how things are shaping up.

EFFL League 1

1. Tequila Party Gnomes (6-4) – Heading into Monday night, held the slimmest of margins over the Pylons.  I’m sure an injured Big Ben on Monday night brought back haunting memories of a semifinal defeat in 2011.  Even if it didn’t, I just brought it up.  Think about that.  TPG controls their own fate for a bye as they face the #2 and #3 teams, according to the standings, in the last two weeks of the season.  Looking great for the playoffs at this point.

2. Lady Luck (6-4) – How this team is in bye position is unthinkable.  Has scored more than 100 points fewer than the next closest team, yet is in a great position for a playoff spot.  The problem here is that in the final three weeks of the season, Lady Luck faces the three highest scoring teams in the league.  6-4 could easily turn into 6-7 and put this team right on the edge.  In the meantime, still hanging in.  Sam hasn’t missed the playoffs since 2008.

3. Eat My Asomugha (6-4) – The best part about the loss to Sam is that I didn’t have to hear about how great this awful team is.  If the playoffs started today, the wild card round would feature Nnamdi v. Pylons.  You don’t want anything to do with that seeing as you’re 1-8 against the Pylons in your last 9 matchups.  The game against Fusco is big this week as I know he would love to pass you.  This is your one and only meeting, so the winner will have the tiebreaker.

4. The King’s Crusaders (5-5) – This is so sad to see after a 1-5 start, but that is history now.  Likewise with Sam, you also face the three highest scoring teams in the final three weeks, but I doubt you’ll be fazed by that.  This team has been on a tear as of late and is certainly still in play for a bye.  Winning out and getting to 8-5 could certainly be enough.  More impressive than your run of 4 straight victories is your continual bashing of EEB.  It’s well deserved.

5. Tweeting in the Trenches (5-5) – Another team that has crawled back from the bottom of the standings.  An 0-4 start is also distant history.  Plays both Woody’s and Gambino to finish out the season, but the real work was done in week 10.  The win over Lou was absolutely massive, as a loss would have almost sunk TITTY.  Being in the middle of the pack is not a bad thing, but needs to keep the foot on the pedal.  I would have advised trading more white guys to EEB.

6. Dueling Pylons (5-5) – The Pylons have not fallen below 3^rd in the power rankings this season, so seeing this team in 6^th is quite sobering.  It’s even more interesting considering if the Pylons had pulled out the win Monday night, they would actually be the #1 seed right now.  This team needs to be careful not to look ahead to the massive matchup in week 12 with Stanky, but this team needs a win desperately at this point.

7. Stanky Monkeys (4-6) – Took an unfortunate loss in week 10, but has the chance to make up for it down the stretch.  Due to a quirky schedule, gets to face bottom-feeder EEB twice in the final three weeks.  The other matchup is with the #6 Dueling Pylons, so this team’s season is far from over.  You can knock EEB out with a victory.  I hope you do.  Gotta get out of that 4 game funk.

8. Coach Janky Spanky (3-7) – Can you hear the music?  I believe that’s “Nearer my God to Thee”… the last song played aboard the Titanic upon it’s plummet into the ocean floor.  Here’s a fun fact.  Including last year’s playoff drubbing at the hands of Woody, this team is 4-13 in its last 17 games.  Hardly the sign of a league powerhouse.  Although you have the opportunity to pass Lou, getting ahead of another team will be a very difficult task.  This team is truly on the verge of playoff elimination, and if Janky Spanky does not end up in the relegation battle, it would be absolutely stunning.

EFFL League 2

* 1. Team Toliver (7-3) – The only 7-3 team has locked up a playoff spot, and as indicated above is looking very good for a bye.  After a couple of down weeks, Tron exploded all over Meech.  Your use of an inactive Percy Harvin was a questionable decision, but it paid off for you.  I’m expecting big things from this team in the playoffs, and the way things are going, you may not need a healthy running back until Week 15.

2. Threeing the Hogs (6-4) – Is currently in bye position due to head-to-head tiebreaker with Tatz.  Seeing as you play Tatz this week, a win would go a long way in locking up a bye.  The winner of your game will lock up a playoff spot, and the loser could even clinch as well if it falls that way.  7 wins is the magic number in this league.  That should be a fun game.

3. Claiborne Supremacy (6-4) – Got enough out of Big Ben before he suffered a “brutal” injury.  There’s a rape joke in here somewhere.  I’ll defer to Nick.  It’s always a good feeling when you get through your best players’ bye weeks with a victory, and this team is far too good to miss the playoffs at this point.  Really needs a win in week 11 to have a shot at the bye, but this team should be a serious contender for the title.

4. RGIII for President (5-5) – Darryl collected his 3^rd $10 prize of the season, which is already almost half of his entry fee.  Remarkably, this team has done very little outside of those 3 monster weeks.  This team is officially a hit or miss team, and my feelings about these squads are not positive.  That being said, has a two game lead for a playoff spot and owns some tiebreakers.  Could see Yashar rest his stars with a bye locked up, so that may work in your favor.

5. Bo$$town Beasts (5-5) – Cutter!!! The man who stuck to the plan, went with double Chiefs Monday night, and came out of it with a win.  It really wouldn’t have mattered which RB you started because you don’t have Michael Turner.  Really needed the win in week 10 and now has some breathing room.  You play the two teams below you still, so you can either knock them out or keep them in it.  I’d advise doing the opposite of whatever EEB does.

6. The Heads of State (5-5) – Didn’t have enough firepower to take down Yashar this week.  I keep waiting for this team to break out, but it seems to always end up back in the middle of the pack.  The 49ers defense should have done far better against the Rams.  Doesn’t have the easiest of schedules ahead, and I think this team could be in the most danger of falling out of the playoffs.  Still, in great shape.

7. BABY TEES (3-7) – Couldn’t keep the two game winning streak going in week 10.  You really can’t complain, however, as you were the lowest scoring team.  The end of this team’s season is in sight.  If you can’t take down Cutter this week, that’s it.  On a lifeline for the playoffs, and it would be truly shocking if Dosh was able to turn it around.  If only this were a 4 TE league, you might be in decent shape.

8. Jersey Leshoure (3-7) – At least you finally got Doug Martin in your lineup this week.  This team only has three players that are top 10 at their position, and when that happens, you’re screwed.  When your season is on the line, the last thing you want to see is the #1 team on your schedule.  Hopefully Yashar can just put you out of your misery.  I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the two people raving about their drafting superiority in AC are the two at the bottom of the standings.

With only 3 weeks remaining, things are getting very serious.  Multiple teams are on the verge of clinching a playoff spot, and multiple teams are on the verge of elimination.

The No Tackling League

Ah Election Day.  One of my favorite holidays.  The day where 2 candidates see their work of trying to convince a regional majority of people that they will personally help them more than the other candidate come to fruition.  Politics are stupid.  Whether it be someone else deciding how we spend our money or Roger Goodell telling men they’re not allowed to work after committing a crime, politics are stupid.  What is also stupid: benching Doug Martin in favor of Darren McFadden.  Ben is currently in Mexico, but when he returns, he surely will be distraught at his decisions.  How have players in the league gotten so bad at the basic skill of tackling?  I have to assume ESPN is to blame.  That should be question #1 at the combine... Can you tackle?

2012 is an outstanding year for the EFFL.  Not one team is better than 6-3 and not one team is worse than 3-6 across both leagues.  It is extremely competitive, and it’s great to see that in the middle of November, all 16 teams are in the hunt and should be for awhile.  The highest scoring team across both leagues belongs to Adam Tatz.  I was shocked at this development, but his #1 pick of Aaron Rodgers seems to be paying off.  He’s the highest scoring player in the league.  For any of you starting a Jaguars or Colts player this Thursday, you should apologize to your opponent for forcing them to watch arguably the worst broadcast in the history of football.  Nobody should watch that garbage.

Teams continue to ravage me like a cheap whore.  The Pylons have allowed 872 points over their last 6 games… good for more than 145 PPG.  That’s 100 points more than the next closest opponent.  With no end to this assault in sight, it could be a rough end to the season for a promising squad.  It also appears that Yashar and Mike Young are the only two teams that could lock up a playoff spot this week.  Things must fall the right way for this to happen so soon.

The Beef of the Week this week is brought to you by Butcher Bar in Astoria.  This is definitely one of the best BBQ places around, and nothing gets you going for football like a gorgeous waitress making meat recommendations.  Naturally, she recommended a sandwich called the 50/50, aka the Half and Half… Fusco knows what I’m talking about.

I have some serious beef this week to which everyone can relate.  You’re at a bar screaming things like “Come on Andy!  Throw it to Tiger 84 in the slot!  Please!!!!”  All of the sudden, some mannish, gigantic woman is screaming at the top of her lungs for every single Colts first down.  There is absolutely no need for this.  We get it.  You’re drinking beer.  You have tons of testosterone pumping.  Don’t try to ruin everyone else’s time by annoying the shit out of them when T.Y. Hilton catches a 5 yard pass on 3^rd and 2.  Usually this is a Steelers fan, but this past Sunday was just unbearable.  If I owned a business, I’d kick people like this out.  You’ve all seen it.  You’ve all been annoyed by it.  We need to all come together to prevent things like this from happening again in the future.

Congrats to Adam Tatz on winning the $10 prize in week 9.  The one thing we can agree on is that drunk yelling at Giants fans is an outstanding pastime.  On to the power rankings:

EFFL League 1

1. Tweeting in the Trenches (4-5) – Last week: 2 – After an 0-4 start, this team is finally coming together.  Despite winning 4 of 5, this week has an absolutely critical matchup with the Stanky Monkeys.  A loss could be devastating since this team is hovering around the bottom of the playoffs.  I think right now this team is playing the best in the league, and I would not want to face this team down the stretch.

2. Dueling Pylons (5-4) – Last week: 1 – The Pylons fall out of the top spot after an uninspiring week 9 performance.  As I’ve said all along, this team will only go as far as the wide receivers take them, and having 3 receivers combine for 11 points Is never going to get it done.  Should certainly have better days ahead but really cannot afford to have too many more slip ups.  Week 10 showdown with TPG will make the difference for the winner.

3. Tequila Party Gnomes (5-4) – Last week: 3 – Came through on Monday night for the first time in a long time.  Really need the win over Lady Luck to snap a 3 game losing streak and right the ship.  If TPG can get past the Pylons, this team must feel confident knowing that its last 2 games are against Sam and Nick.  This team is due to break out, and what better way than a matchup against the league whipping boy?

4. The King’s Crusaders (4-5) – Last week: 4 – The fact that this team started 1-5 is a distant memory.  The King has found his stride and is now looking to assert himself as a league power.  A week 10 showdown with EEB is highly anticipated.  I must admit I’ve received a ton of smack talk about how awful Janky Spanky is.  Now it’s time to put your money where your mouth is.  A victory here will go a long way in getting to the playoffs.

5. Eat My Asomugha (6-3) – Last week: 6 – This is such a hit or miss squad.  They’ve finished #2 or #3 in weekly scoring 4 times and #6, 7 or 8 in scoring 5 times.  I’m not a believer.  I think this team is fortunate to have a 6-3 record, but the wins are in the book.  7-6 should be good enough to get into the playoffs, and 8-5 certainly will do the trick.  A win in week 10 could get this team over the hump.  I can’t believe he’s seriously looking at a bye.  Also, laughing at me for playing against Doug Martin was not appreciated.

6. Stanky Monkeys (4-5) – Last week: 5 – A 3 game losing streak is really hurting the Monkeys chances of getting to the playoffs.  In fact, if the playoffs started today, this team would be out of it.  This team has never been better than 3^rd high score of the week, so really cannot complain with the results.  That being said, this week’s game against Fusco is massive.  With a win, will be a full game ahead of him and have the tiebreaker with only 3 to play.  Faces EEB twice in the last 3 weeks.  This team controls its destiny.

7. Lady Luck (5-4) – Last week: 7 – As I’ve used before, what can I say about this roster that hasn’t already been said about Afghanistan?  It looks bombed out and depleted.  By FAR, the lowest scoring team in the league, and I really can’t see things getting much better.  This roster has a couple good players, but is so thin.  This team has a very difficult remaining schedule and is in serious danger of falling quickly.

8. Coach Janky Spanky (3-6) – Last week: 8 – Seemed alarmed that the power rankings thought this was the worst team.  In reality, this is the worst team.  Denial has doomed this team in the past, and surely it will again.  Although EEB is finally coming around, I fear it is too late.  With a loss this week, it appears that Mr. Brooking is headed into the relegation battle.  You need to beat Woody this week to save your season.  You are 1-7 against him lifetime.  Good luck.

EFFL League 2

1. Claiborne Supremacy (5-4) – Last week: 3 – A nice jump for this team to get to the top spot.  I must admit that I’m impressed with how this team has done.  Tatz Is rolling out the #1 QB, the #1 defense, the #2 kicker, the #2 WR, the #3 TE and the #5 RB on a weekly basis.  That’s a recipe for success.  This team is done with byes after this week and is 2 games up on the last playoff spot.  Great position to be in.

2. Threeing the Hogs (6-3) – Last week: 2 – Really didn’t do anything wrong in week 9, and got a very narrow victory on Monday night to take over the #1 overall seed.  At this point, I think this team has fallen just below the Tatz squad, but at 6-3, must be feeling good.  Getting a bye in the first round of the playoffs will go a very long way towards promotion.

3. The Heads of State (5-4) – Last week: 6 – I was a little bit disappointed last week and probably overreacted.  Young Meech is rolling out the same Foster/Peterson combo that I am, and that must be taken seriously.  Despite the Eagles performing absolutely pitiful, the depth of this team is really coming to the rescue.  I preach depth like this frequently for this very reason.  Having capable backups is critical.  Big game with Yashar this week could vault this team into first round bye position.  Should definitely be in the playoffs.

4. Team Toliver (6-3) – Last week: 1 – Wow what a disappointing week 9 performance.  NEVER BENCH TRON.  That’s a critical mistake regardless of game result.  The Sproles injury will seriously affect this team’s stretch run.  Should still be OK for the playoffs, but this team could really struggle with injuries in the next couple weeks.  For the time being I’m skeptical, but things will get better with good health.  The early season run is carrying this team.

5. RGIII for President (4-5) – Last week: 5 – Took a tough loss to Mike Y and now is going to be in a battle the rest of the way.  I actually really like this team’s chances, and the rest of the schedule isn’t too bad.  Randall Cobb has proven to be a huge acquisition.  Things will come together for this team, but hopefully it is not too late when it happens.  Don’t let the teams below you back into it.

6. BABY TEES (3-6) – Last week: 8 – The win over Yashar truly was a season saver.  Now facing Darryl, Dosh has a chance to get back into the playoff hunt, but a loss in week 10 would be absolutely devastating.  When you dig such a big hole, there is virtually no margin for error.  Seeing as your last two games are against the top two teams, this is a must win.  I know if I were in that situation, I’d want to be using Denarius Moore and Chris Johnson.

7. Jersey Leshoure (3-6) – Last week: 4 – While your team appears to have good players from the outside looking in, this team takes the cake for poor management.  Doug Martin and Mikel Leshoure combined for 7 rushing TDs in week 9, and all of them were left on the bench.  Despite having some solid depth at the RB position, this team has failed to make any notable moves whatsoever to solidify other positions.  I can’t endorse that.  Tatz is going to bend you over this week.

8. Bo$$town Beasts (4-5) – Last week: 7 – This team has hit rock bottom.  It is no coincidence that you and EEB are both floundering due to your reliance on Chiefs.  I’d do your research this week, as taking a 5^th straight loss to Mike Y seems very possible.  The good news for Cutter is that he faces the two teams below him in the standings in the final 4 weeks.  My math tells me that if you win those two games, you should be in the playoffs.

There were some great games in week 9 that came down to the very end of the Monday night game.  Steelers v Chiefs this Monday night is definitely going to have a big impact on the league as we have so many people relying on these scrubs.  I am glad I was able to return to blogging this week.  Keep in mind that the trading deadline is Wednesday, November 21^st.  This is the day before Thanksgiving.  EEB… this is a blackout date for you.  NO DRINKING!!!!  Good luck to everyone in Week 10.  The playoffs are approaching.