Tuesday, September 24, 2019

Three Weeks of Pure Bliss



It's time to eat! Celebration of the year right here:




And the hero we don't deserve:


Nobody knew what to expect in Week 3. Would it be a disaster with Luke Falk? (Yes) Would Josh Rosen be murdered on the field? (Yes). But it wasn't so bad! Gardner Minshew is so hot right now. Talked about how he smashed his own hand with a hammer to try to get a medical redshirt.

Kyle Allen torched the lowly Cardinals and their #1 overall pick and handsome coach. Mason Rudolph was a disaster. Dwayne Haskins time is coming.

But... Danny Dimes. Whoever came up with that nickname is genius. Way better than "Scary" Terry McLaurin. Side note... you can't just give the nickname "Scary Terry" to every player named Terry. That's not how it works. That one better not stick.

Danny Dimes bent over Bruce Arians and the Buccaneers and gave Chris Fusco the best climax he's ever experienced. I could hear the screams of pleasure from Forest View Drive in the next state. And I'm laughing and happy for the time being. Giants fans think they've got the next Patrick Mahomes. If only he had someone to throw the ball to. Maybe an Odell Beckham. I don't know. I look forward to fading the Giants due to the extreme, full bloom love about to take place.

Sure, Bruce Arians took a penalty on purpose to give his field goal kicker a longer field goal, which I've never heard of before in my entire life. But this was all Giants, baby. Bills home opener was Sunday. Bills are 3-0, welcoming the 3-0 Patriots to town next Sunday. Someone will die. Probably not this guy. He's already dead:



 And how bout this power bomb:
Unbelievably electric stuff. The Eagles suck almost as much as the Dolphins, so that's fun. I highly doubt this year will be the year we see the highly anticipated Super Bowl rematch between these franchises when Dan Marino miraculously returned at halftime after going missing.

And of course, congratulations to Adam and Rebecca Cutter for becoming first time parents. Right after the birth, I'm told Adam immediately went to check the inactives, while Rebecca prepared for Sunday Funday from the hospital. Congrats from the EFFL!! (the words you were looking for most, I know).


Beef of the Week: NFL Schedule Makers

Seriously... who has this job and why do they suck SO bad? Here are the Monday night games:

Broncos @ Raiders
Browns @ Jets
Bears @ Redskins
Bengals @ Steelers
Browns @ 49ers
Lions @ Packers
Patriots @ Jets
Dolphins @ Steelers
Cowboys @ Giants

Sorry guys, but you're never getting another blog on Tuesday morning. This is so, so bad. I fell asleep at like 9 PM last night. Blogless. How can I possibly suffer through these games long enough to see the results and then type a blog. I'm not that young anymore! If you want to help the commish, just don't start any players on these teams. I'd appreciate it.


Also, I realized I never shared the updated payouts since we moved to $150. Here's what we've got

1st: $1100
2nd: $500
3rd-4th: $150 each
High Season Points: $150
2nd High Season Points: $50
Total: $2100

The EFFL champion will take home more money than ever.


Power Rankings:

14. Street Pigeons (0-3) - Last week: 11
Sadly has lost the plot. Fallen arse over tit. Taking the piss. AB quitting football is not good for the brand. Pidge is in trouble. No wins. Now the byes are hitting. It could be a struggle. Need to right this ship quickly.

13. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-2) - Last week: 8
Blew your load all over Meech. Followed it up with two stinkers. Now Saquon goes down. It's still very early, but man that's a lot to recover from. Maybe Melvin Gordon will show up to work one of these days. Only one game out of the playoff cut line.

12. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (2-1) - Last week: 14
Hey, you're 2-1! The trade winds were a blowin' Thursday night. Ultimately agreed to Lindsay/Hollywood for Godwin/Mostert after turning down the exact same offer but also throwing in a case of beer from your end. I admire your bargaining. I still want that beer, though.

11. Bo$$town Cutter (0-3) - Last week: 9
Having a baby on a football Sunday is no excuse. Lowest scoring team through 3 weeks, and I'm surprised. Expected more. Devonta Freeman and Mike Williams have not been reliable at all.

10. BAD NEWS BOSH (2-1) - Last week: 7
4th to last in points scored. I'm sure you'll drop 150 on me. Having to sit James Conner and Aaron Rodgers can't be a good feeling, but I respect the bold moves. Let's see if your team responds.

9. Stanky Monkeys (1-2) - Last week: 13
Should never have changed the team name! A 160 point outburst was huge, and I'm glad to see this team getting back on track. I think this team's arrow is heading up. Montgomery getting more carries. Will Dissly looks like he's legit out of nowhere. Definitely on the rise.

8. Geno 911 (1-2) - Last week: 12
I know you'll take an easy win. Never ideal to miss the draft and then the 2 weeks preceding the season, but you're hanging in there. That's all I've got.

7. The King's Crusaders (1-2) - Last week: 10
Lacking that killer instinct this year. Would like to see some more consistency, but that could be a problem. Chris Carson is a fumbling machine and other players have a tendency to disappear. Middle of the pack for now.

6. Pork Chop Express (1-1-1) - Last week: 4
I'm sure you'll win this week. Every time I move you down, you win. Diggs is a bust. OH MY GOD you're using Royce Freeman. Please no hahaha. And Demetrius Harris. How can you look yourself in the mirror?

5. Philly Peppers (2-1) - Last week: 3
Took your first L. Mike Y is on a mission. I'm concerned your roster is thinning out. Throughout the bye weeks, it may be a bit of a struggle. But finding Waller was nice (even if it was because of stupid Matthew Berry).

4. Team BG (1-2) - Last week: 1
I've done enough damage. I'll back off. Still nothing to be concerned about at this point. 4th in points. I like this team to pick things up. Baker has been bad. Feels like Tyler Boyd and Ridley have done nothing. Better days are ahead.

3. The Old Ball Sack (3-0) - Last week: 6
Last week in the blog I said "this isn't a real team". Well Mike Y dropped 183 on the King in responses and here we are. Everything clicked for one week. The week before you put up 98. I don't know how to properly handle that kind of standard deviation. So #3 it is, for now.

 2. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-0) - Last week: 5
3-0! Holy shit! I did not see this one coming. Austin Ekeler and Evan Engram are manhandling the opposition. I guess this team is good?!?! 129, 133, 132 is the kind of consistency that gets you going places in the power rankings. Well done.

1. Dueling Pylons (2-0-1) - Last week: 2
I know I shouldn't do this. I really, really shouldn't do this. The last time the Pylons hit #1 in the Power Rankings was Week 7 of 2016. But I think this ranking is fair at this point. This is a star-studded roster that's putting up points.


Week 4 Matchups

 BAD NEWS BOSH v Dueling Pylons
Tweeting in the Trenches v Pork Chop Express
Street Pigeons v The King's Crusaders
Philly Peppers v Ouch! My Hamstringy!
The Old Ball Sack v Team BG
Bo$$town Cutter v Stanky Monkeys

EFFL Game of the Week

 Tequila Party Gnomes v Geno 911 - This game is a turning point. One team will see their season slipping while the other gets back to .500 and can seriously consider making a playoff push. Lots at stake in the original pepper rivalry match. The last two champs face off here.
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Tuesday, September 17, 2019

Back At It

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Tuesday, September 10, 2019

Week 1 in the Books


This is what peak performance looks like. I've lamented about Big Rapey and the Yinzers before. Their music was cool in the mid-80s. But man is it fun to see them suffer. Even moreso than the Patriots for me. One week in, and that team is easily gonna have a top 10 pick next year. We don't need AB! We don't need Le'Veon! You do if you want to win! Joke's on you!


Man is it good to be back to football. I saved myself for Sunday, ready to explode. I was in the liquor store by 10:30 AM. Manhandling a 2nd flat screen into the living room by 11:30. Laptop streaming games. 2000 calories ingested by 3 PM. Everything was ready, and the first NFL Sunday did not fail to deliver.

The game wasn't even in Buffalo, but Bills Mafia is back. Michael Atallian was spotted in Carolina drinking one sitting's worth of Miller:

Michael Thomas murdered a poor ballboy:



 There was also this ridiculous tailgate in Miami:
Spoiler: if Dosh wins the league, the draft is going to be in Miami next year. His grandma also did a press conference.


What else happened? Odell wore a $250k Richard Mille watch during a football game. The Redskins blew a 17 point lead... and then blew my fucking wagers. And oh yea.. Lamar Jackson. I don't remember much from the EFFL draft, but I do remember losing my shit because I wanted, and got, the goat. Dude was feasting on Mahi Mahi all afternoon.

It was a week for the ages. The ghost of Sammy Watkins went off for 3 TDs. John Ross wasn't injured and lit it up. DeSean Jackson turned it back right quick. And of course the Browns got crushed. Week 1 was legit, and it's good to be back.


Beef of the Week: Buffalo Bills Playcalling

Seems like odd beef, I know. At one point, the Bills had run 34 plays, 31 of which were Josh Allen dropbacks. He had 4 turnovers. The Bills were losing to the Goddamn Jets. But then logic prevailed. Adam Gase is an absolute clown and was easily taken advantage of. And the Bills won. I better not see these transgressions again.

Speaking of, is there any coach worse in the NFL than Adam Gase? This dude is so full of himself, and is hot garbage. He's 13-20 as a coach since the start of 2017. He thinks he's smarter than everyone. The offense didn't work because he "maybe overloaded" the team. Well if my players were as smart as me, we would've won! When asked if he planned to get other offensive players more involved, he responded "that's the beautiful part about being head coach. I can basically do what I want." But it's the Jets, so it's funny. In the famous words of Jim Tomsula... fuck 'em.



 (The Redskins probably blew that game too).


Power Rankings

 May see a bit of a shakeup in the power rankings this week. First time where I'm actually doing the ranking, so I'm incredibly biased.

14. Stanky Monkeys (0-1) - Last week: 7
Hello darkness, my old friend. Tevin Coleman already down. Dante Pettis 2 snaps. David Montgomery being phased in. Ugh. I will say, contrary to prior years, this team has a lot of guys with potential. This is purely where I see it now, but I don't think it's bad yet. Dalvin looks awesome. Wentz is back, and Mike Evans won't be sick every week. More to come.

13. Geno 911 (0-1) - Last week: 8
Got a text Saturday about how good it is to have TB12. Sure. Had the wrong Jets receiver. I forgot Robby Anderson was arrested and told the arresting officer he was going to find his wife and nut in her eye. Seems perfect for this roster. I'm sure I'll lose to you when we play. The Dolphins are a dumpster fire, so sorry about that. Maybe don't book Jason Aldean next year.

12. Tweeting in the Trenches (1-0) - Last week: 4
Such a Fusco move. Week 1 66 points from Evan Engram and Austin Ekeler. Get out of here. Joe Mixon is already banged up. Maybe he can go punch a woman in the face to feel better. This team is going to win games, and every time, I'll look at the roster, groan and wonder how we ended up here.

11. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (1-0) - Last week: 13
Tyreek Hill already hurt with chest bruising. See, there is karma for punching your 3 year old son in the chest for acting like a kid. This team should be named Ouch, Daddy! Anyway, EEB left both John Brown and Marquise Brown on the bench. Left more Brown behind than a trip to Taco Bell while fighting illness. For now, this is where this team is at, but we'll see.

10. The King's Crusaders (0-1) - Last week: 6
Zeke and Adam "White Claw" Thielen are enough to hold the team down. But where else are the points going to come from? Chris Carson? John Ross? Guice is already hurt and Matt Ryan looks like he's gonna be shit this season. Never know with that guy. Like EEB, on hold until further notice, but I'm more concerned about this team than a couple others behind.

9. Philly Peppers (1-0) - Last week: 10
I fully expect Phil to outperform this expectation. But Week 1 was not good. Getting Mahomes is big, and he'll carry you, but going QB early is always risky, especially in this league. Doubling down on the Texans, who have zero offensive line is risky. If Adams goes down, could be in huge trouble. This team has work to do.

8. Bo$$town Cutter (0-1) - Last week: 14
Goff, Freeman, and Mike Williams didn't get it going yet, but I don't expect that to continue. The real key is not the starting lineup, but what's waiting to be unleashed in Hockenson and Devin Singletary. Get those two guys in, Goff gets cooking, and this team is dangerous. Mike Thomas, Tarik, Alshon. I see a lot of potential here.

7. Street Pigeons (0-1) - Last week: 9
Missing AB in week 1 is not ideal, but you know that better days are ahead. Starting DaeSean Hamilton? Man, times are tough. Even a huge week from DeSean wasn't enough. This team will play better, but Cam Newton looked like trash. His shoulder may be done.

 6. Pork Chop Express (0-0-1) - Last week: 5
A TIE! Unbelievable that it went down like that. Chubb and Diggs really did nothing and still put up a ton of points. If TY is OK with Brissett, this is a playoff team. Dak looked unstoppable (albeit against the Giants). Only thing to pick at is the depth. Not a lot to work with, but hopefully you won't need it. That 2nd TY touchdown hurt bad, because we didn't even win the bet.

5. BAD NEWS BOSH (0-1) - Last week: 3
Is this Chris Bosh? T-Rex is in the league now? Your two Cardinals put up 50 points, and maybe you're on to something. Allen Robinson also looked legit. I was a bit down on this team, but it's possible I was being harsh. I can only imagine your reaction as Rivers threw TD after TD on your bench. You probably cursed Aaron Rodgers to the moon.

4. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-0) - Last week: 2
Sorry, but I'm not sold on Sammy 'Sweetheart' Watkins. Leonardo Fournetti's fettucine alfredo was not cooked al dente. Really took it in the jewels with the Luck retirement (We shift to Mariota!) and Melvin Gordon refusing to play. Despite all of that, still put up a ton of points. I think you need to be active on the waiver wire to keep this spot.

3. Dueling Pylons (0-0-1) - Last week: 12
This may be a large overreaction, but LAMAR. He was slicing and dicing. Just cooking. Hollywood, then Mark Andrews. He was relentless. If DUPY can find a solution at RB (and there's some talent on the bench), this team is going to be dangerous and certainly in the top tier. I feel like BG. All the receivers, and just trying to find one Hail Mary at RB.

2. The Old Ball Sack (1-0) - Last week: 1
Impressive Week 1 performance from Mike Y. I feel like TPG shifted the entire karma of the league by locking Mike Y out of that hotel room. He paid his dues. Almost got ejected from a hotel for trying to get into a room he had a key for. He's gonna be hot all year. Watching Derrick Henry rumble 70 yards down the sideline is one of the great joys in life.

1. Team BG (1-0) - Last week: 11
I know this is the kiss of death, but this is a good team. The Ravens duo is going to be so nice. Ridley, Baker, Nuk. Even McLovin could be in play. Strong team, some solid depth, no major holes. I think at this point this is looking like the team to beat. I like what I've seen thus far.


Week 1 was a lot of fun. Can't wait to do it again this coming Sunday.

Week 2 matchups:

Stanky Monkeys v Dueling Pylons
The King's Crusaders v Geno 911
Philly Peppers v Tequila Party Gnomes (THIS IS A SPICY ONE!!! FOUR PEPPERS!!)
TITTY v Street Pidge
Bo$$town Cutter v BAD NEWS CHRIS BOSH
The Old Ball Sack v Ouch! My Hamstringy!

EFFL Game of the Week
Pork Chop Express v Team BG - Expecting big things from this matchup.

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