Well we’ve finally reached the conclusion of the regular season and I must say I have never seen such a battle from beginning to end. Going into the final Monday night game we knew which 6 teams would be in the playoffs, but we did not officially know any of the 6 seeds. When the dust finally settled it was the King’s Crusaders who emerged as the EFFL’s #1 seed. This was an outstanding and very competitive season for everyone. With not one team over 8 wins or under 4 wins, it’s been a fun ride. I just want to remind you all of a few rules as the playoffs begin. All can be found in the league rulebook:
* Once you are eliminated from the playoffs you cannot make any drop/add moves. The 4 teams that are out of the playoffs are done for the season.
* All players added cannot be kept next year.
* If a game ends in a tie, we will go to tiebreakers. First is total team TD, second is total team yardage. Nobody on your bench means shit.
* After the first round, the lowest remaining seed will play the #1 seed Crusaders and the highest remaining seed plays #2 Stanky Monkeys.
I would just like to point out that these are the same 2 teams that had the bye last year, and this now marks the 3rd time in 5 years Chris has had a bye and 4th time in 5 years Lou has had a bye. The Stanky Monkeys have NEVER played a game in Week 14. I apologize to the rest of the league this year as this is directly my fault. Here is a look at your 6 playoff teams and a little bit of history.
#1 The King’s Crusaders (8-5): What a week 13 for the King. Occupying the #4 spot and down 41 in total points, the King seemed destined for a wild card spot. After Sunday’s games, however, it seemed like a realistic possibility this team could take over the points lead, and ultimately the Odds division lead. Sure enough Monday night the King struck gold with JMF, Jermichael Finley. A late touchdown not only sealed a week 13 victory over Janky Spanky, but also gave the King the overall points lead. The King will now split the overall best record purse with TPG and wins the additional $30 for having the most points scored, winning by a narrow 12 point margin. Here is what the league is looking at facing in the top overall seed.
Since week 3, when scoring higher than 115 points, the King is 6-0. When scoring less, he is 0-4. This is the mark of a truly effective team. Regardless of what the opponent does, it’s all on the King. I like that philosophy of keeping the game in your own hands. Usually it works unless opponents are putting up 140 per game on you. This team has never missed the playoffs and leads the league in playoff games played with 8 in the past 4 seasons, compiling a 5-3 record over that time. This is a battle tested team that knows how to win in the postseason. Most definitely a serious title contender.
#2 Stanky Monkeys (7-6): I know. I’m sorry. This middle of the pack team has somehow locked up the number two spot due to a Kiss Da Baby loss. This is the ultimate boom or bust team. Since Week 2 this team has not scored between 106 and 153 points in any week. Winning 5 of 6 (yes, this team was 2-5) to get the bye is an amazing feat. Allowing a league low 103.5 points per game over that span is the way to do it. In a do or die week 13, put up a whopping 101 points to get a win over the Jackson Five. Had they lost this game Stanky would’ve been eliminated from the playoffs. Instead they got the win and got the first round bye despite lack of NASTY-ness. This team went 1-5 against the other 5 playoff teams.
As we all know, the EFFL trophy currently is located at the residence of one Lou Sarcone. I beg you league members, do not force me to take the trophy to get engraved with his name for a 3RD TIME!!! It’s extremely painful. Lou has only played Jimish, myself, and Chris in the playoffs so guaranteed he will be meeting an opponent for the first time in Week 15. I will offer this piece of advice. In his 3 Week 15 games, the Stanky Monkeys have only put up 290 points. This team can be had! When you fill out your EFFL brackets, do not hesitate to pencil in the upset.
#3 Tequila Party Gnomes (8-5): TPG really shit the bed in week 13. Knowing that Janky Spanky and the King squared off in a grudge match, the Gnomes needed to take care of business against the last place Eyepatches. The bye week still could have been salvaged, but a brutal Monday night performance from TPG’s senior circuit left the Gnomes without the money and without the bye. This team lost 3 of 5 down the stretch, and over that span is 3rd to last in points and 2nd to last in the breakdown. This is a team that really could have used the bye week given the way this squad is playing. A week 12 outburst seemed to have things on the right track but it was not meant to be.
Another point of concern for TPG is the use of both Peyton Manning and Dallas Clark. With the Colts undefeated and getting eerily close to locking up home field advantage, this team could be left shorthanded if it advances further into the playoffs. The Gnomes have never won more than 8 games in a season and this was the first time ever they’ve won more than 6 games in a regular season. Since 2005, in games not against the King in the playoffs, TPG has averaged 124 points per game. This is a team that definitely can rise to the occasion and put up some points, but I am left a little concerned after the performance down the stretch. I think this team could win a game or two, but this does not look like a championship squad to me.
#4 Coach Janky Spanky (7-5-1): After a stretch of games where this team went 7-1-1, could not pull off the last win and lock up the first round bye. Bookended by losses to Woody, EEB had a very solid season and wound up tied for 2nd in points scored. I’m really not sure what to expect from this team. It has proved it can sustain a winning streak, but it also lost to a lineup with 5 Rams. I think pretty much everyone in the league hates everyone on the Janky Spanky roster, and I know I certainly do not want to see the name of Eric Eugene Brooking on our high class trophy. I do know from other leagues that for the most part EEB is a pushover when it comes to the playoffs. He is one of those owners who will overanalyze every lineup decision to the T. I’m sure he’s been on his computer all morning running simulations of each of this week’s games. This is a team that could definitely get hot and make some serious noise.
#5 Kiss Da Baby (7-6): After a 2 year hiatus Kiss Da Baby has returned to the EFFL playoffs. Over the past 3 seasons, 39 games, Baby has scored over 118 points exactly 7 times. Let that sink in for a minute. This Baby team in 2009 actually scored fewer points than the same team that went 1-12 last year. This Baby team however had almost 250 fewer points scored against it. It’s amazing what happens when teams actually score points against you. Sucks huh. Amongst the playoff teams the most any scored against Sam all season is 106. Maybe that trend continues into the playoffs where it’s a brand new season. I know that I have hated on this team all season, but could the 134 point week 13 effort be a sign of things to come? This team held the Evens division lead from Week 2 through Week 12 and just didn’t have enough steam to hold on in the end. I think this team may be able to sneak a game or maybe even two, but I find it highly unlikely that Sam will be hoisting the trophy.
#6 Johnson’s Farm (7-6): My how the mighty have fallen. Just 3 short weeks ago this team was 7-3 and occupied the #1 seed in the EFFL playoffs. Which is the real Johnson’s Farm team? Weeks 3-8 this team scored between 106 and 116 every week. The past two weeks they did the exact same thing. While this team has the look and all the makings of a potential powerhouse, the fact remains that this team has scored 125+ a total of 3 times all season. Nobody has done that fewer times. This is a consistent team as a whole but really lacks the individual consistency from players that make a championship squad. You basically know what you’re getting from the farm, and any big opposing week can knock this team out.
This marks Nick’s 4th EFFL season, and he has made the playoffs in each of those 4. He has been the 6 seed, the 4 seed, the 6 seed and the 6 seed. Similar to this year’s team Nick always seems to field a team that is mediocre at best with random big weeks. We all know the disaster that was his 06 season which ended in a shellacking of BG 87-58 in the championship game. In his past 3 playoff games, Nick has put up a total of 263 points. Basically again I see another potential win or two, but unlikely to be a serious threat to win it all. Clinging on for dear life.
With all of this said I believe that the King’s Crusaders and Coach Janky Spanky are the two most likely to win the 2009 EFFL Championship. This is an absolute nightmare scenario for me as I don’t think there is another owner I would want to see less on the trophy than these two. Please somebody do something special in the playoffs and stop these two from claiming the crown, no pun intended. Here are the two playoff games we will witness in the wild card round.
#3 Tequila Party Gnomes (8-5) vs. #6 Johnson’s Farm (7-6):
After squandering an opportunity for the bye Monday night, TPG was found in shambles following this draw. I wrote weeks ago that if the Farm did not get the bye someone would have to face Chris Johnson against the Rams in Week 14. That lucky person is Mr. Matthew Atallian. In the latest I have ever heard from TPG on a Monday, it was 12:30 and he was still analyzing matchups claiming Gambino had him beat already. If there was one word I would use to describe the TPG demeanor it would be shook. I think Matt is scared of every single player on the Farm roster. 2 weeks ago it was “Sims-Walker terrifies me”. Tuesday morning it was “Double Fucking Glove”. These teams met two weeks ago and Donald Driver ruined Nick’s thanksgiving until Miles Austin took the field. It was TPG in the end that walked away victorious in that one. These teams started out with a rocky relationship. The Farm won the first 5 meetings between the two until TPG dispatched Gambino 2 years ago in the EFFL Playoffs. Since then these teams have split their 4 meetings with the Farm outscoring TPG by a total of 10 points. This is about as even a matchup as you can get. This game very well may come down to Kurt Warner on Monday night. ESPN is projecting the Farm for a monstrous 165 points and I have to agree here. I think this is one of those weeks where Gambino just explodes and then thanks his hands for being so good ala the great Fred Ex. I like the Farm to move on.
#4 Coach Janky Spanky (7-5-1) vs. #5 Kiss Da Baby (7-6):
Back in Week 1, Baby defeated Johnson’s Farm to earn the tiebreaker between the two. 3 months later it comes into effect and I know Janky Spanky is happy with this draw. Naturally Sam is projected to score the lowest of all 4 playoff teams this week. EEB is actually the only Odds division team to beat Baby when they won a week 5 thriller 102-72. Personally I don’t see Jason Witten getting 14 catches again this week. I don’t see Ochocinco playing the Lions. Janky Spanky seems to be fielding a competent team and has some pretty solid matchups. I really don’t know how EEB can lose this game, but then again I lost to Sam in the playoffs all the way back in 05. A word of warning to you EEB: if Sam has a player in a game that goes to OT, you better be praying. That same player that doomed my season is currently on the Baby roster.
Well that’s the playoff roundup. Good luck to all 4 teams participating this week. Down with the Monkeys.
