The EFFL Draft is in the books! Believe it or not, the most painful thing for me was not having my horse finish in 3rd, followed by a mandatory eating of a habanero. The worst was handing the prized EFFL trophy to Mike Y. So, so painful. The guy certainly earned it last year. I just looked at the record books, and his team was 13-2, including the playoffs. That's an unbelievable record.
Even more impressive, he started the season 2-2. He finished the season with 11 straight wins and didn't lose after the beginning of October. One of the most impressive seasons in the EFFL to date.
And how did he celebrate? By spending about 3 hours at Rick's with D-Weeze, where apparently "these Russian chicks wouldn't let me leave!" This is not the first time that Rick's has been mentioned in a blog. You can search it in the top left, but they refused to show Giants games previously because Eli was so bad. Ironically, Eli is Mike Y's QB. Yet he seemed to love Rick's. As is frequently the case, Fusco was not pleased with this selection.
Back to the draft, we had a nice section with plenty of space to go wild. A special thanks to tired Papa EEB for putting in work on the draft board. It was much appreciated while I maintained the virtual draft board. We NEED a sticker bitch. I think everyone would be extremely happy if we just each pitched in $5-10 bucks to get someone to do it.
Beef of the Week: Draft Rowdiness
This is a minor beef. Young beef, like veal. Our waitress repeatedly complemented the courtesy of the EFFL participants. There was another draft going on downstairs and she said they were vicious savages. She didn't even want to go down there. Even after the open bar was over, she continued to feed us free beer and refused to accept our money. I view this as a negative. The animals drafting in the downstairs room were popping off. Drafting with authority. I know we can get on that level. We should be on that level. Let's step it up.
As is frequently the case, I'll provide a draft recap of each team and who I expect to do good and bad.
Tweeting in the Trenches - Big ups for getting the space. I assume you spat on the floor of Rick's, even though I have no confirmation. I think your team is decent. I don't think it's the best squad, but certainly not the worst. If Keenan Allen can stay healthy, I think you have a real nice trio of receivers. RB group as a whole has a lot of question marks. You QB and TE are over 70 years old combined. That is definitely risky.
Best Pick: Christine Michael. Love him as a sleeper
Worst Pick: DeMarcus Murray. Could easily lose the starting job to Derrick Henry at any point.
Overall Grade: C+
Team BG - Gambino must've asked about 20 times if you were gonna take any non-WRs. Hard to have beef with any of the first 4 picks, however. If Josh Gordon is playing, which it looks like he is, he's a monster. You could easily, easily end up with 4 top 15 receivers. That's always your strategy. Just need the other pieces to come together. Derek Carr might be good enough.
Best Pick: Josh Gordon. I think he's off the drugs.
Worst Pick: Rashad Jennings. Needed an RB, but he's 31 and always seems to break down.
Overall Grade: B+
Dueling Pylons - GET OUT OF THIRD!!! PLEASE!! PLEASE!!! For those not in attendance, whichever horse finished 3rd in the lottery race had to suck down a habanero. It was me. Came into the draft pouring sweat. It was fun. Probably not my best draft, but not my worst at all. I've done it yet again. 2 Bills, 2 Browns. Been my Achilles heel since inception, and I keep going back to the well. I do like both teams this year, however.
Best Pick: Tyrod Taylor. Getting arguably the best QB in the league in the 7th round is a steal.
Worst Pick: Devin Funchess. 6th round is probably a little early, but the WR core was bare.
Overall Grade: B-
Old Ball Sack - Another fantastic showing from Mike Y. That's just in terms of drunk booty seeking. Won the championship with a Julio/Lamar Miller/BMarsh core. Kept the last two and replace Julio with Hopkins. Hard to argue with those 3, but I'm a little more concerned this year. Going double Texans is risky, and despite having a monster season last year, BMarsh is 32. He's getting up there. I'm really not a fan of any of your other picks. At all. I think you need those big 3 to repeat their seasons to have a shot.
Best Pick: DeAndre Hopkins
Worst Pick: Coby Fleener in the 4th round. Just a terrible pick.
Overall Grade: D+
A Lot O'Tatz
Best Pick: Doug Baldwin. I know he was a keeper, but to get that quality WR that late is awesome.
Worst Pick: Bilal Powell. Don't think he gets enough opportunities.
Overall Grade: A
Geno 911 - I thought you left the Hofbrau Bierhaus to chase ladies. Only later did I find out you were too close to puking up Jamo shots. I advise you to keep this shot strategy up at future drafts. I know you'll be surprised, but I'm actually going to compliment your draft. It's a bold strategy, Cotton, to go after a bunch of former Pylons in Luck and Gurley, but you might end up with the #1 RB and QB. Can't hate on that. Even Barnidge and Markus Wheaton aren't that bad. I think you'll be competitive.
Best Pick: Andrew Luck. No reason for him to last that long.
Worst Pick: Mike Wallace. I think he's out of the league.
Overall Grade: B+
Harambe Was Set-Up - I kid you not, I was about to type "how long til this team name changes to something with Harambe?" and then looked at the team name. Went right back to both Raiders. It worked well last year. I imagine you and BG were sitting together talking about how much you both loved the Raiders and how good they are. I am not a fan of your RBs at all. Everyone at the draft kept saying "are we gonna draft Devonta Freeman?", and everyone just shook their heads, because nobody wanted to risk getting him. He wasn't durable, and that really hurt you last year. I think you could run into trouble with a lot of rookie WRs.
Best Pick: Amari Cooper. He's a stud.
Worst Pick: Sterling Shepard. Way too early.
Overall Grade; C-
Stanky Monkeys - My favorite draft experience every single year. Lou proudly makes a selection. Hears groans from the audience, defends the pick. Then immediate silence. Then a couple picks pass. Then "Do you really think that was a bad pick?" Then a couple more minutes. Then self-doubt followed by regret. It's incredible to watch the process. This year's selection of Dion Lewis was that pick. I actually think you did pretty solid. Going double Ravens receivers is pretty funny. RBs are certainly a question mark. Could go either way.
Best Pick: Ryan Mathews. At that spot, it's really good value for a guy who figures to get a ton of work.
Worst Pick: Dion Lewis. He's out for at least half the year.
Overall Grade: B
Bo$$town Cutter - Using two of your first 5 picks on players out 3 and 4 weeks is not smart. You're making it extra difficult on yourself. I actually like your picks and think after week 4 you'll be one of the better teams in the league. I'm concerned that you may be digging to big of a hole. Also very thin at RB, and given your top two both ended last year on IR, that could become a problem. I'd like your team much better if the guys weren't suspended.
Best Pick: Brady. 5th round you might as well.
Worst Pick: Vincent Jackson. He needs to retire.
Overall Grade: C
D-WEENIS - Set a new league record for most consecutive picks of players who scored 0 NFL TDs the year before. Took 3 defenses. I'll be honest: I think you've got a lot of work to do. It's almost a best-case scenario for all of your picks to justify their draft position. But your roster is extremely thin. I'd be shocked if you end the season with more than 6 or 7 guys you drafted. Maybe you'll surprise.
Best Pick: Marvin Jones. Actually like the pick.
Worst Pick: Melvin Gordon. Has done nothing to justify being selected that high.
Overall Grade: D-
Team Bartholomew - Congrats on the new baby. I drafted your team so obviously I love it. I've seen Cobb way too low on rankings. He had a rough year because Jordy was hurt, but he's a stud. Woodhead was the #3 RB last year and he'll catch a ton of passes again. If your guys stay healthy, you'll be a good team.
Best Pick: Randall Cobb
Worst Pick: Rishard Matthews. Sorry we got drunk towards the end.
Overall Grade: B-
Pork Chop Express - Constantly feeling oppressed by the league. Told me I'm telling people to pick your keepers, meanwhile you and Matt were scheming all night. I'll leave you with some Rozay.
Best Pick: Greg Olsen
Worst Pick: Jordan Matthews. Guy can't catch a cold.
Overall Grade: C
Tequila Party Gnomes - Another classic TPG performance. UND LITER OF BEER! Despite drinking all day, I think you peaked at the right time. I'm impressed with your draft. The UJ problem has always been depth. Considering your dudes always get banged up, depth is key. My only concern is at RB after Jamaal Charles. But I think one of your other guys will be relevant sooner than later. You should be a contender, and I'd be very surprised otherwise. Nice work.
Best Pick: Larry Fitzgerald. Top 10 receiver all year last year. 5th round pick. Fantastic
Worst Pick: Martellus Bennett. That offense can support 2, but a #2 TE in the 6th round is a tough sell.
Overall Grade: A
The King's Crusaders - Lots of rookies. Lots of question marks. This feels awfully risky for a King team. 5 players that didn't play in the NFL last season. Hyde, Parker, and Thomas missed parts of the season, and Eifert is currently out of action. It should come together, but an interesting choice to go double Packers after bailing on Aaron Rodgers last year. I think you're around the middle with the potential to go in either direction.
Best Pick: Michael Floyd. Don't like him but great value there.
Worst Pick: Paul Perkins. He's terrible.
Overall Grade: C+
So, heading into the start of the season, the EFFL Power Rankings look pretty unusual. Here we go:
14. D-WEENIS: D-
13. The Old Ball Sack: D+
12. Harambe Was Set-Up: C-
11. Pork Chop Express: C
10. Bo$$town Cutter: C
9. Tweeting in the Trenches: C+
8. The King's Crusaders: C+
7. Team Bartholomew: B-
6. Dueling Pylons: B-
5. Stanky Monkeys: B
4. Geno 911: B+
3. Team BG: B+
2. Tequila Party Gnomes: A
1. A Lot O'Tatz: A
