Tuesday, September 25, 2018

Week 3 Banger




No headline picture this week. Just a guy running full speed into a fucking wall! What an idiot! Ohhhh I'm hang gliding, honey take a good picture!! OH I'M DEAD!!

We need to analyze this video here. I showed this to TPG. I was told that the wall was really close. That wall is at least 5-10 yards past the back of the end zone. You should not be running anywhere near full speed at that point. Slow down! Went headfirst right into the wall and donated his brain to the DeSean Jackson Foundation.

This was also a Touchdown:


I was a very sad boy (despite currently drinking a 32 oz beer to blog) to see FitzMagic fade. You gotta believe in magic!



Also, I do have a personal request from TPG. I need to find a way to post the audio here:

Leonardo Fournetti Week 3 Injury Report

"Hey everybody, ITSA ME, Leonardo Fournetti. Sorry to tell you, but my hamstring is still feeling like a little bit of fettuccine, so will not be able to play today against a Tennessee. Best wishes. Ciao Bella."

Anyway, here's a great video from Barry McCockiner


And another featuring Jordan Reed



I have to be honest. I'm excited about all of these new QBs. We've got the Bake Show:


We've got Josh Allen doing things. He's tall.


We've got Chosen Rosen 🔯🔯, the usurper of Sammy Sleeves


Maybe not Rosen yet lol. And then there's sad Lamar Jackson.


Beef of the Week: Roughing the passer flags

I know, I know. This isn't exactly fresh, high quality beef. But I want to now look at this from a different angle. The league indicated they were doing this. They had to protect the Quarterback. Now, because Clay Matthews is flagged twice in two weeks,  JJ Watt is up in arms and the "competition committee is going to meet". A guy on the Dolphins blew out his knee trying to avoid a roughing the passer flag.

COME ON!! You made the rule. Stick to the fucking rule. You can't revert and change and make adjustments in the middle of the season. You can't!! How can you turn around to the Packers and say "you know that flag we called on you Week 2? Not a penalty two weeks later." Can't do it, folks. Very unfair. Unless you are willing to adjust the standings and award the Packers a win and give the Vikings a loss for that game, you can't do it. In the offseason, you can wipe the stupidity. But you made this bed, NFL. You have to sleep in it.

Should be great for players and coaches bitching the entire season.


EFFL Power Rankings

Fucking Dosh!!! This man was drunk as shit and is clowning the entire league. The Pylons will put an end to that quickly. There's no logic to this season. If you have players on the Chiefs, Steelers, Saints, Falcons, or Bucs, you win. If you don't, you don't.

I thought about declaring this season null and void, but...

14. Tweeting in the Trenches (0-3) - Last week: 12 - Winless. The lowest scoring team in the league. You made a huge mistake... You used my list. I clearly have no clue what I'm doing, and to rely on a DUPY custom cheat sheet? You earned this spot.

13. Stanky Monkeys (1-2) - Last week: 14 - WHAT IS THIS?!?!? What is "The Monkeys"? This is not allowed. An original EFFL franchise with a half-hearted name change in Season 14 does not fly. Nice job taking down Phil. Team is starting to come into form. If you can get to 2-2, I think you'll rise quickly.

12. Geno 911 (0-3) - Last week: 11 - Got a bit of a raw deal with points. You're right around the middle of the pack, but just can't seem to get a win. You've got a lot of players on really bad teams, which hurts. You should find a way to get Eifert from King and change your team name to "It Ertz when Eifert".

11. Bo$$town Cutter (1-2) - Last week: 14 - Who would've thought Jordy Nelson and Geronimo Allison were the keys to success? I can't imagine that ever happening again, but I've been wrong before. I'm kinda surprised Kenyan Drake is so bad.

10. ITSA ME!! LEONARDO FOURNETTI!! (2-1) - Last week: 7 - Second to last in points scored despite being 2-1. Juju is probably your best player. Your team is offensive without Leonardo. He's your catalyst.  We'll see a him soon.

9. Dueling Pylons (1-2) - Last week: 9 - Was an easy target, and no match, for BG. This team is in a weird spot and constantly leaves tons of points on the bench. Caught the EEB syndrome. This team has exactly what I always hate... inconsistency. Will go off when week and be flat the next.

8. The King's Crusaders (1-2) - Last week: 10 - The Lions are not a good team. I think your team has potential, but I can see the problems putting it together week to week. Kareem Hunt has to be considered a disappointment at this point.

7. The Old Ball Sack (2-1) - Last week: 8 - Deshaun Watson showed up. Your team did pretty well, I feel, and you still didn't crack 120. That's a problem. I think once you start playing some of the top teams you may slip up. Win your home games and pick up a couple points on the road, and you should be able to get in.

6. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-2) - Last week: 6 - Not ready to move you up yet, but it's gotta feel good to get a win. Going to 0-3 is dangerous territory. Brees and Kamara have been outrageous thus far. It does appear Amari Cooper is a scrub. Looking forward to you playing Gambino.

5. Pork Chop Express (2-1) - Last week: 3 - Protested losing with the 7th highest score last week by faking a terrible lineup. No word if the same will happen this week following a win with the 3rd lowest point total. Saved by Ryan Tannehill. Good news is this is probably about as bad as I can see your team faring. Gotta wonder if teams have Gronk's number.

4. Team Bartholomew (2-1) - Last week: 4 - Caught an L from D-WEEZE. Mike Evans has been huge, and I don't see him slowing down. You should stay near the top but Bilal Powell gives me the shivers.

3. Tiny Hands Bigly Tweets (2-1) - Last week: 1 - Didn't anticipate moving you from the top spot, but you did start Will Dissly and Randall Cobb. That's not #1 material. Really surprised you left Gio Bernard on the bench.

2. Cash Me Out Wide (3-0) - Last week: 5 - Can't do it. Won't do it.

1. Team BG (3-0) - Last week: 2 - "The team I thought was good is 0-3, and the team I thought was bad is 3-0." Funny how that works. Two of your players, Adam Thielen and Michael Thomas, are on pace to break the NFL single season reception record. Clearly I erred in letting Thielen walk. Calvin Ridley ripped me wide open. That was harsh.


Week 4 Matchups

TPG v Geno 911 - Battle of the Habañero
Team BG v The Old Ball Sack
Tiny Hands Bigly Tweets v Itsa Me! Leonardo Fournetti
Stanky Monkeys v Bo$$town Cutter - Huge Matchup here
Dueling Pylons v Cash Me Out Wide - Can't wait for the texts
Pork Chop Express v Tweeting in the Trenches
Team Bartholomew v The King's Crusaders


Will see you all on the blog next week!
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Monday, September 17, 2018

The 2nd Week


Man that was a wild Week 2! A guy retired at halftime! Of course he played for the Bills. Walked in at half, down 28-6, and just said fuck this. No more football for me, for life. That's ballsy. It's so unfortunate because it was the season debut for #BillsMafia. Controversy swirled around this game, as it was reported that table smashers would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. So, this happened:




It's Josh Allen shirsey season, baby. Goes perfect with flip flops and jorts. Mike Y knows what I'm talkin about. 


No rules if you don't break the table, I guess. It's only Week 1. Once it gets cold, people will drink more to stay warm. It'll be wonderful.

Anyway, the story of the week is the Bucs. In particular, star quarterback Ryan FitzMAGIC. If you have not yet seen this, you must.


I don't even care that the Eagles lost. DeSean is shirtless. I'm about to throw $400 down on Fitzpatrick against Mayweather just cause he's dripping with swag. Look at what being on the Jets does to you.



Next year at the draft, I need Tatz and BG rubbing beards.

Cam Newton dressed like a grandma in a nightgown this week and therefore will not be featured in this space. Post-game outfits are the new Coach Janky Spanky. You better come out dressed to impress. And I'm absolutely impressed.

Cam Newton was also decapitated:


Fitzpatrick has been incredible. Over 400 yards two weeks in a row. 4 TDs two weeks in a row. First time in NFL history that's happened in the first two weeks of a season.

Speaking of firsts, I just have to share this:


Ignore the Eric Ebron talk. He's on our terrible dynasty team. It was quite the day for Ben. Not only did he almost lose everything he owns betting against Laquon Treadwell, he also had Vikings -1.5. 

This happened in the 2nd quarter:

4-5-GB 30
(1:42) 7-D.Carlson 48 yard field goal is No Good, Wide Right, Center-47-K.McDermott, Holder-6-M.Wile.

This happened in Overtime:

4-9-GB 31
(7:36) 7-D.Carlson 49 yard field goal is No Good, Wide Right, Center-47-K.McDermott, Holder-6-M.Wile.

Then this happened in Overtime:

1-10-GB 17
(:04) 7-D.Carlson 35 yard field goal is No Good, Wide Right, Center-47-K.McDermott, Holder-6-M.Wile.

The laces were in! THEY WERE IN!!!! Of course we started said Vikings special teams in that dynasty league. 3 missed kicks and a punt blocked and returned for a touchdown. They finished with -9 points on the day. I've never seen a worse performance in my 30 years playing fantasy football.


The kicker was promptly cut on Monday. This exchange occurred:

Reporter: What was the thinking on letting Daniel Carlson go?
Mike Zimmer: Did you see the game?
Reporter: Was it easy?
Zimmer: It was pretty easy.

Lobitz also had this hot take: "Texans -3 is either the easiest bet in the history of the world or the biggest sucker bet ever". The Texans lost.

Catch of the year. Make sure volume is up for Nantz. Make sure volume is down for Romo.



Beef of the Week: New Penalties

This is going to be quite a rant. I get it. The whole goal is to make the game safer. But the league has gone about it the wrong way. You cannot play defense. Illegal contact, pass interference, lowering the head to initiate contact, putting your body weight on a QB. There are so many things you can't do. But this is a facade. The league wants points. How do you get more points? Keep dries alive. How do you keep drives alive? Call more defensive penalties.

Teams know this. They're not stupid. The NFL has essentially become an online game of Madden. You could run the ball, but you know that it's just way more efficient to throw the ball on every play. RIP: Running the football (1920-2018). Lived almost 100 years. Ben Roethlisberger threw the ball 60 times on Sunday. Juju and Antonio Brown combined for 36 targets. In one game. 2 players.

Not a single team has run the ball more on first down than they've thrown it. Not one. 21 of the 32 teams are over 65% passing on first down. There's no reason to run the football whatsoever. QB ratings and points are through the roof. I handicapped the season at 56% pass. I was way low. We're over 60%. 

The driving the QB into the ground is the one that really grinds my gears. People get hurt in football. It's a violent, collision sport. But I think it's so hypocritical that this only applies to QBs. You can plant any other guy, but the QB is special. It's bad for the league when QBs are injured, and you can expect 400 yard passing games over and over this season. You're going to have all kinds of NFL records set. Get ready.


Power Rankings

14. Bo$$town Cutter (0-2) - Last week: 14 - Things have not gone well. You have a ton of players on very bad teams, which doesn't help. Need to find something to jumpstart this squad quick.

13. Stanky Monkeys (0-2) - Last week: 13 - Freeman injury came out of nowhere, and that's another problem. This team is reeling. Even the kicker got hurt. Wentz is back. Edelman is almost back. This team needs a win or two to bridge the gap until healthy.

12. Tweeting in the Trenches (0-2) - Last week: 11 - Dalvin Cook doesn't look fully healthy yet. The Giants suck. I'm a bit encouraged by week 2, but still concerned. I feel better about your team than the two below you.

11. Geno 911 (0-2)  - Last week: 8 - Predictable slide despite putting up 139. That might be your highest point total ever. I actually think your team is OK, but I'm not fully sold yet. You should watch Dead Poets Society weekly for inspiration.

10. The King's Crusaders (1-1) - Last week: 12 - Real nice week 2. The Lions are throwing the ball on 79% of plays. I can't see that continuing. I think you're due for regression. Maybe Josh Gordon is your lottery ticket.

9. Dueling Pylons (1-1) - Last week: 7 - Can't figure out who to start. Gurley is an absolute stud. Had this team drafted Bell, it could've been much worse. This team struggles because nobody gets more than 5 yards per catch.

8. The Old Ball Sack (1-1) - Last week: 4 - This team is honestly a disaster waiting to happen. Roster is filled with guys who will have one good week then disappear. I wouldn't be surprised to see this team drop. Deshaun Watson also is not fully healthy.

7. ITSA ME!! LEONARDO FOURNETTI (2-0) - Last week: 9 - How are you 2-0? Started Ryan Grant. I bet half the league couldn't name the team he's on. Your team will be better once Fournetti is back in the cut.

6. Tequila Party Gnomes (0-2) - Last week: 4 - Hate to see it. Super Bowl hangover? TPG is struggling a bit right now, understandably. If Bell shows up, it's a different story, but you never know. Saints are killing it tho.

5. Cash Me Out Wide (2-0) - Last week: 10 - Stop beefing over your ranking. James Conner could be huge. Still can't help yourself with Funchess and Kelvin Benjamin. But Julio is the man.

4. Team Bartholomew (2-0) - Last week: 6 - Slowly climbing, and I almost had you higher. Don't hate me for questioning your depth! If your QB throws 60 times a game, that's a different story. Mike Evans could end up being a huge steal.

3. Pork Chop Express (1-1) - Last week: 2 - Right in the thick of things. I'm a bit concerned teams have figured out Gronk. The Jaguars have. Royce Freeman sucks. (Hooray!). Diggs and Hopkins are awesome.

2. Team BG (2-0) - Last week: 5 - Not to be outdone, Thielen and Michael Thomas are awesome. Mark Ingram is waiting in the wings. Calvin Ridley showing signs of life. I'm very encouraged. As always, RB is a concern, but usually it can be overcome.

1. Tiny Hands Bigly Tweets (2-0) - Last week: 1 - Dominating. I thought Woody's Hunt/Hill Chiefs combo was awesome last year but Mahomes/Hill may be even better. He likely can't keep the pace up, but it's been fun to watch. Add Zeke, Davante Adams, now Will Fuller if healthy, Scary team. Clearly the team to beat.


Good luck to everyone in Week 3. Avoiding major injuries (other than Mike Wallace breaking his leg), points, Manning face, the Notorious F-I-T-Z. Week 2 had it all.
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Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Week 1. We Back.


OK. Whose decision was it to have the Bills start on the road? That is unacceptable and puts a real damper on the blog. Who do we have to make a fool of themselves in their absence? The Lions? Please.

Marcus Peters did this:




A celebration made famous by this guy:


In case you missed it, yes that is Marshawn Lynch. He's being made into a meme all over the internet. You v. the guy she told you not to worry about.

Cam Newton wore this:


He then proceeded to whoop Allen Hurns and the Cowboys ass. Isn't it great when the Cowboys are terrible? I used to hate Jason Garrett for being terrible, but now I really love him for being terrible. He and Jerruh are cut from the same cloth, so you know he's going nowhere. Hasn't won shit yet he'll keep his job. He's like Marvin Lewis. Year after year with zero playoff wins. Going to be quite the dumpster fire this year.

Heads up to TPG for this stat: The Browns (who tied!) are off to their best start since 2004 at 0-0-1. It was hilarious. TUH-rod was terrible. Scott Hansen made a point of saying it exactly that way. But I like this stat even better:

Teams with a turnover differential of +5 or more are 132-4-1 all-time. The Browns own 2 of the 4 losses, and the tie. They're a joke. Look at this:


Yes, that's Dosh's own James Conner going off. In unrelated news, Le'Veon Bell was cited for doing 110 in a 45 crossing the Pennsylvania/Ohio border. TPG cannot be feeling good about this.

Fucking Andrew Luck is BACK:



On to the BOTW:

Beef of the Week: The RPO

In the least surprising BOTW of all time, the RPO has been beaten to death in the first broadcast of the season. OK, we get it. The run-pass option is a great play where the quarterback fakes a handoff and throws it, or hands it off to the running back. He chooses! It's up to him!

It's fucking play action with a gimmick. RPO is being shoved down our fucking throats. I don't want this shit. I want Andy Reid's push passes. I want McVay's jet sweeps. I want the ANDY REID DIAMOND FOR CRYIN OUT LOUD. This is glorious: https://ftw.usatoday.com/2018/09/nfl-chiefs-offense-rpo-andy-reid-chargers-tyreek-hill

The NFL is a bunch of dusty old guys who love something that's been outdated for at least a full year. They have graphics showing the concept and how many times a team has run it. Everybody is doing it, man. Move on. Find a new slant.

But they won't. You'll hear about this shit all season. Your dad will try to sound cool "hey man, I love all those RPOs they've been running". It's dead. And it'll drive you, and I, crazy for way too long.


Power Rankings

 In one of the weirdest anomalies ever, the top 7 scoring teams all won in Week 1. Amazing.

 14. Bo$$town Cutter - I don't like your team. The Bills are pitiful and McCoy is over 30. Not a good combo. DJ is also on a terrible team.

13. Stanky Monkeys - My concerns proved true. I'm sure you'll smoke me this week. Odell is a beast. You'll need him. Good thing he's on the Giants.

12. The King's Crusaders - This team likely looks better on paper than it is. Stafford is horrific. AJ Green is a fumbling machine. Josh Gordon ain't got it. Kareem Hunt's too slow. Tyler Eifert can't stay healthy. Brandin Cooks is too small. Golden Tate III is the 3rd best Golden Tate. Kelvin Benjamin isn't in the league. Alfred Morris isn't in the league. IT'S THE WHOLE TEAM.

11. Tweeting in the Trenches - Holy testicle Tuesday. A whole 74 points. Your team is Giants and white guys. It's not a good combo. I don't have a good feeling about this. That said, Kenny Golladay could be nice.

10. Cash Me Out Wide - I'm not buying the big week, but this team could be better than we thought. Jets D, James Conner, and Adrian Peterson combining for 80 points is an absolute miracle. But you never know. You always do the best on the waiver wire.

9. ITSA ME!!! LEONARDO FOURNETTI - Of course Fournetti goes down Week 1. Of course. We can't have nice things. It's not that your team is bad per se. It's the injuries. I think you could struggle for a bit. Holding off Cutty was big.

8. Geno 911 - Nahhhhh. I don't want to actually admit I think this team has a shot to make the playoffs. Loaded up on secondary Saints receivers, and that could pay off. Kirk Cousins is an EFFL champion.

7. Dueling Pylons - 2nd and 3rd round picks down with knee injuries in Week 1. Hooray! This team also has to get to work on the wire, but there are some other pieces here.

6. Team Bartholomew - Mike Evans could end up being a steal. I'm encouraged, but am still concerned about the depth. Would benefit from finding a hidden gem.

5. Team BG - Losing Greg Olsen sucks. But you do have Mark Ingram waiting. Starting off even 2-2 isn't terrible. You've got a pretty good team. Excited to see if this is the year.

4. The Old Ball Sack - No matter how good Chris Godwin is, never forget that he shit himself in a game last year. Easily the most unlikable team in the league. I'll say it every week.

3. Tequila Party Gnomes - Mostly due to Le'Veon uncertainty. He's gotta come back. Otherwise this team is more pedestrian. Saints duo is killing it. Rest of the roster completely shit the bed. Could Frank Gore be back in the mix yet again?

2. Pork Chop Express - It's easy to forget how freaking good Gronk is. There's nobody on his level whatsoever. Of course Rivers explodes for 400+ yards and 3 TDs in a loss against me. Looking good, tho.

1. Tiny Hands Bigly Tweets - Loaded up on Chiefs and Packers, and that seems to be a good idea. Mahomes to Hill may end up being an unbelievable combo. Plus your boys Zeke and Crabtree. I think you've been underestimated in the EFFL and think you'll be back near the top again.


That's it for Week 1. Hope you all enjoy the blog. I'll be out at a bar in NYC this Sunday so I should have many more drunk comments. Plus #BillsMafia is back. I can't wait for the videos.
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