Familiar Semifinals

We are down to only 4 teams in the race for the 6^th EFFL crown. Somehow yet again the King and Stanky Monkeys are both still alive. They could face each other in the final for the third straight season. Nobody wants that. Let’s see how each team got to where it is today.

Stanky Monkeys 144 – Animals With Eyepatches 77:

What an unfortunate turn of events for Jimish. This was the hottest team to start the season. A loss in the final week saw the Eyepatches lose the overall points lead and lose the tie for the best record. To make matters worse, this beatdown ensured the Eyepatches will leave this season with no money. I wouldn’t have believed that would happen just a couple weeks ago. The Monkeys are peaking at the right time. The Vick/McFadden/Wayne combo looks to be… dare I say it…. Nasty. Team is looking very tough at this point and this game was never really close. Stanky Monkeys have now won 7 out of their last 9 and have put up ridiculous points in 6 straight, with an average of 146 points. I think this is the most dangerous team remaining in the playoffs, and at this point have to label them the favorite. Lou has now reached the semifinals in 4 straight years, and honestly I’m tired of paying out this clown.

Dueling Pylons 105 – Tequila Party Gnomes 98:

Heading into the Sunday night the Pylons seemed to be in some trouble, and at about 10:30 PM it seemed the Pylons season was doomed. Then it happened. A quick out route to DeSean Jackson, a quick turn up field and missed tackle, and it was off to the races. Sprinting 91 yards to the house on what he described as a 60% ankle, the hopes and dreams of the Gnomes took a jarring hit. To make matters worse, the Pylons and Gnomes also squared off in another inferior league. I also had DeSean in that league. The true definition of a double nidge. In all my years of fantasy football, I have never witnessed a man so broken over a single play. I can say that with 100% confidence. The Gnomes had a chance to come back Monday night, but Arian Foster was enough to hold off the Gnomes. Over 2 leagues, Matt was 0-5 against me this year. If you’re still reading the blog and see this, I’m sorry. You’re a true competitor. The Pylons technically are the league’s hottest team winning 7 of 8, but this team needs to step it up in the final 2 weeks big time.

And the games to determine the 2 members that will head to the finals are...

#1 Maybe This Time (9-4) v. #5 Stanky Monkeys (8-5-1):

This marks the first time Lou and Sam have met after Week 12. And when these two teams met back in Week 10 Lou won the game by 102 points. Yes that’s the margin of victory. I’m sure Sam will not have forgotten that. Sam has not won a playoff game in 5 years. That’s also not a misprint either. A banged up Peterson could be a problem for Sam. Just looking at this matchup I really don’t think that Sam’s chances are that great. I could be wrong but Lou’s team just looks too strong at this point. Great trades and great waiver pickups have been the key to fix an awful draft. I’m not gonna lie I see the Monkeys in the finals for a third straight year.

#2 The King’s Crusaders (8-5) v. #3 Dueling Pylons (10-4):

The number of the seeds is obviously not representative of the team records in this matchup. These teams have been virtually identical all season and this is sure to be a very close battle. The Pylons entire roster will be playing at 1 PM so there will only be one chance to continue the season. Likewise with the other matchup, these teams have never met after Week 12 so this weekend should be interesting. The Pylons have also never won more than 10 games in a season and will be looking to reach the championship for the first time ever. If it’s King-Stanky for the third year in a row I don’t know what I’ll do. This league needs some accountability. I know picking myself dooms my chances, but I can’t pick a 3-peat finals. Let’s go Pylons.

Good luck to the 4 teams remaining in your quest for a championship.

Round 1 Awaits

The regular season is finally in the books, and what a finish it was. The last playoff spot literally came down to the final minutes of the final Monday night game, and the season ended in despair for Johnson's Farm. Yet another close Monday night game, and in the end his team fell just 2 points short. Nick finished the season as the low scorer in the league and really did not even deserve to be in. The Farm lost their last 4 games to eliminate himself.

Also lost in week 13 was the strong push by TITTY to get into the playoffs that fell short. Finishing as the high scorer in the regular season, Fusco missed the playoffs and must be distraught. This tends to happen every now and then, but this one has to hurt. The game that really made the difference was the Week 5 Brett Favre Monday night disaster against said Farm. With this win, things would have been different in the EFFL. Enough talk about the losers. Let's get on to the teams that have a shot to take home the EFFL crown.

1. Maybe This Time (9-4): With Jimish losing, Sam locked up the bye and the #1 seed in the league due to tiebreaker over the Pylons. It is an outstanding feat to get the top seed and a bye in this league and congratulations are in order. After Chris acquired MJD from the Gnomes, he told me he was going to be trading him to you for Peterson and Rivers. Remember that if you two meet in the final because he apparently thinks you're his farm team. You will play either Matt, Jimish, or Lou in week 15. Good luck.

2. The King's Crusaders (8-5): Perhaps benefiting from playing in a weaker division got the King this spot, but it is a disaster to see 2 Woody's with a bye. I'm sure Chris has something up his sleeve for the playoffs. Will play the Pylons with a Pylons win, or with a Gnomes win will play the winner of Monkeys-Eyepatches. I hope all of your players get injured this week.

There isn't much to be said for the top 2 teams that hasn't already been mentioned in a previous week. On to the matchups in the first round of the EFFL playoffs.

3. Dueling Pylons (9-4) v. 6. Tequila Party Gnomes (6-7):

24 hours ago this matchup was impossible. The Pylons had lost to the Stone Masons by 1 point to lock up the #4 seed and TPG needed a Monday night miracle to even get into the playoffs. Tom Brady unleashed a furious pounding into the butt of TPG, yet Janky Spanky still had a shot to take down the Farm and send the Gnomes through. A BenJarvus Green-Ellis TD with just minutes remaining was exactly what the Gnome had ordered, and just like that the Farm was out and TPG was in facing the Eyepatches yet again in week 14.

We wake up Tuesday morning and there has been a scoring change. Young Buc, AKA Mike "Big Willie Style" Williams, had been credited with 2 more points on an additional catch and gave the Pylons the win by 1! How could this be? The following is an exact truth that has not been fabricated in any way. On the final drive of the first half, the Bucs were in hurry up mode. A 9 yard completion was initially credited to Sammie Stroughter when Williams actually made the catch. Due to the creamsicle color jerseys, the official scorer thought Williams #19 was actually Stroughter #18. This error was rectified this morning by the NFL and was the difference in playoff seeding. I can only imagine if this cost BG a playoff spot how devastating it would be. Nevertheless, the Pylons at 9-4 have the 3 seed and face a Gnomes team that has overcome adversity to lock up the final spot in the playoffs. This most likely will come down to Monday night as Flacco and Boldin will go against Arian Foster. They always say it's tough to beat a team 3 times in one season, and I think this holds true here. Despite the Pylons seeking revenge for a previous playoff beating, I'm picking the Gnomes in an upset.

4. Animals With Eyepatches (8-5) v. 5. Stanky Monkeys (7-5-1):

This was unexpected. Due to the scoring change the Eyepatches and not the Pylons will face the Monkeys. I had already started talking shit Monday night so we'll have to save that for another week. These two teams had a great battle in week 11 that saw Knowshon Moreno win it for Jimish on Monday night. These teams head into the playoffs in opposite directions. Lou put up a league high 145 last week while Jimish put up a league low 80. That's what happens when 2 of your wide receivers combine for 0 catches. I'd be willing to bet that doesn't happen again. Can anyone slow down the Vick-Reggie Wayne combination? Lou literally needs huge games from each of them to win. If they put up 20 each, the Monkeys probably are heading home. ESPN is currently projecting the Stanky Monkeys for a whopping 180 points! Internet hacks! This is going to be a great game to follow and I'm sure it's going to be close. I think Dwayne Bowe gets very angry after last week's game and totally throws down this week. I'm picking the Eyepatches to move on.


Good luck to the 4 teams playing this week. Colts-Titans Thursday night so things will get started early.

Last Chance To Dance

We are down to the final week of the regular season. 5 teams are now in, 2 teams are out, and 3 teams have one chance to battle for one spot. The standings are exactly the same as last week with the top 5 teams all winning and the bottom 5 all losing. I’m going to break this down team by team and also break into sections the possibilities for the final week.

I have also added to the EFFL history sheet playoff records and playoff brackets for the history of the league. The sheet is out of control at this point with almost 50 tabs. There is a ton of information in there. Also I just wanted to remind you again about players. No player added for the rest of the season can be kept for next year. The teams that do not make the playoffs can make no more moves after the end of the regular season and when each team is eliminated they are prohibited from making any moves. The only exception is that the 2 teams that lose in the semifinals and play for the 3^rd place game can make moves in that final week.

THE TOP 4: These are the top 4 seeds. None of these teams can play each other in the first round of the playoffs. Chris has a bye locked up, and most likely Sam or Jimish will have the other bye.

* 1. Maybe This Time (9-3): Sam held off a Monday night surge from EEB to stay in first and take a huge step towards a bye. Would have locked up the bye if the Masons could have taken out Jimish, but they fell 2 points short. At this point are unaffected by the Pylons, and the bye will almost certainly come down to either Sam or Jimish. Sam cannot be the #2 seed as she owns the tiebreaker over Chris, and Sam cannot be the #4 seed as she owns the tiebreaker over the Pylons. A win will lock up the #1 overall seed. A loss and Eyepatches loss also clinches the #1 overall seed. A loss and Eyepatches win will have Sam as the #3 seed unless the Pylons somehow also manage to win and outscore Jimish by 108 points… Not happening.

* 2. The King’s Crusaders (8-4): All of the scenarios from last week are moot. With a win over the Farm, Chris has clinched a playoff spot and locked up a first round bye. Will be the #2 seed if MTT or the Pylons get the bye, or if the Eyepatches get the bye and the King loses. Can only be #1 with a Sam loss, Jimish win, and King win. The Week 13 matchup with Stanky Monkeys is totally irrelevant, and with a bye in week 14, we’ll see you in 3 weeks. It remains to be seen whether the King will rest his starters this week, but hopefully the long layoff doesn’t affect their focus. This is now the King’s 4^th bye in 6 EFFL seasons.

* 3. Animals With Eyepatches (8-4): Jimish can fall anywhere from 1-4 based on the results in the final week. Very much still alive for the bye and has a huge advantage in points due to the explosion of Dwayne Bowe over the past 3 weeks. A win will have Jimish no worse than 3^rd. A win and Sam loss will clinch a bye (again provided the Pylons don’t win and score 108 more than Jimish). Win, Sam loss and King loss will have Jimish at #1. Win, Sam loss and King win will have Jimish at #2. Win and Sam win will have Jimish at #3. Loss and Pylons loss - #3. Loss and Pylons win - #4.

* 4. Dueling Pylons (8-4): Got a win over a TPG team that totally just did not show up while putting up the second lowest score. Adding the Frank Gore season ending injury just made it that much worse after a win was already sealed. This never, ever happens to me so I will take it and just move on. Also locked up a playoff spot in the process and has finally returned back to the land of misery. The Pylons are 1-4 all time in the playoffs, which is the worst in league history. The only way the Pylons could get a bye as stated previously is with a Sam loss, Jimish win and Pylons win while outscoring the Eyepatches by 108 points. Unless the Pylons put up 200 or more this is not going to happen. Will be the 3 seed with a win and Eyepatches loss. Will be the 4 seed and face Lou with any other scenario.

THE 5: Lou is the 5 seed. He will play either the Pylons or Eyepatches in the first round of the playoffs. Prepare accordingly.

* 5. Stanky Monkeys (6-5-1): Got a huge win in Week 12 and locked up a playoff spot with both TPG and the Farm losing. Also no longer eligible for the bye with the King winning. Locked into the 4-5 matchup, and with the Chris already locking up the bye, has a completely meaningless game Week 13. Take the week off to relax and get ready for a week 14 showdown with one of the Evens division’s finest.

THE 3 FOR 1: The Farm, Gnomes and TITTY are battling for the last playoff spot in that order. Each team needs to win and have all of the teams in front of them lose to get in, or in the case of the Farm have all teams lose yet again. The team that makes the playoffs from these 3 will play Sam, Jimish or myself.

6. Johnson’s Farm (5-6-1): I’m just at a loss for words. This team is so bad it is actually turning out good. This team has now scored 110 or less in 9 of the last 11 games. No other team has more than 7, including the league’s 2 cellar dwellers. The Farm is now tied for dead last in points scored. Nick can make this easy on himself with a win in week 13. A win clinches the #6 seed. A loss and a win by either TPG or TITTY will knock out the Farm. A loss by all 3 would have the Farm in the playoffs at 5-7-1, and an absolute embarrassment.

7. Tequila Party Gnomes (5-7): 2^nd in the pecking order of the potential 6 seeds. Due to head to head win over Fusco still holds the number 7 seed, which is extremely large at this point. Also still alive due to the Farm’s ineptitude. Extremely poor showing in Week 12, but still has an opportunity to sneak in. Needs a win AND Farm loss to get in. No other scenario will get TPG in no matter what else happens. Matt has been trash talking EEB all week, but he is now your best friend.

8. Tweeting in the Trenches (5-7): Somehow still alive after yet ANOTHER monstrous game against him. Now has had 140+ scored against him in 7 separate weeks, all losses. Chris can only make the playoffs with one final push. Has points tiebreaker over both the Farm and TPG in case somebody ties in week 13 and it comes into play. Again, without ties across the board, the only way Fusco will be dancing is with a win, Farm loss AND TPG loss. A Farm or TPG win will eliminate TITTY. A playoff spot very well could happen given the way the other two teams have fared recently. I don’t think anybody in the playoffs wants to see this team.

THE BOTTOM 2: These two teams have locked up the #9 and #10 spots in the league. BG has now missed the playoffs for the third straight year.

X - 9. The Stone Masons (3-9): This team has looked pretty good over the past couple weeks but it was just too late to make some damage. With Brandon Lloyd and LeSean McCoy as potential keepers I expect this team to be pretty solid next year. This team had some very strong pieces, but it was the complimentary players that were lacking this season. You know I was pulling for you.

X - 10. Coach Janky Spanky (2-10): One more game until this painful season ends. With a loss in week 12 officially sealed up league’s worst record, so congratulations! Faces a reeling Farm team that has missed one opportunity after the next. Losing a season series to Gambino is just inexcusable. TPG and TITTY will certainly be pulling for you.

Good luck to everyone in the final week. Next week I will have a playoff preview as well as predictions again.

Whose Turkey Will Be Cooked?

Just a quick reminder again: The trade deadline is Wednesday at noon. I will not be adjusting rosters like last year. Also any player added after this week cannot be kept. There are 3 Thursday games so a lot of players are in play. Be aware that you still are allowed to make moves up until 1 PM Sunday.

Here’s the playoff situation so far. 1 team in, 2 teams out, 5 spots up for grabs still. I’m bitter this week. This is all you’re getting:

* 1. Maybe This Time (8-3): Maybe this time Brian St. Pierre shouldn’t get pick 6’ed twice in 11 seconds. Maybe this time Norv Turner should check his depth chart and note the difference between the letters “TE” and “FB”. Maybe this time the Dolphins should move the ball more than 89 yards total before the 2 minute warning in the 4^th quarter. Sam has locked up a playoff spot with the win and is looking to be in great shape for the bye. One win and one Jimish loss seals it.

2. The King’s Crusaders (7-4): A monster week in EEB’s face. Love it. After being pretty poor over the past 3 weeks, Chris got a huge win. This team has only 2 wins against the top 6 in the league in scoring, which is surprising. Looking very strong at this point for a bye week with a weak Odds division, but faces Nick and Lou in the last two weeks so nothing is guaranteed. A win over Nick will lock up a playoff spot and first round bye. A loss and TPG loss also locks up a playoff spot. More than anything else, an Eyepatches win this week really affects the King the most. An Eyepatches win and King loss gives the King potential to be tied with either Pylons, TITTY or TPG, where he may lose all tiebreakers.

3. Animals With Eyepatches (7-4): Magic number also 1 to clinch a playoff spot (win or TPG loss). The Eyepatches got a huge win Monday night with a strong performance from Knowshon Moreno. Split season series with Pylons so currently ahead based on points scored. With the high point total, it would take an absolute debacle for the Eyepatches to miss the playoffs. The bye week is still in play, as most likely will have points tiebreaker over Sam. Needs a win and MTT loss to get into this position.

4. Dueling Pylons (7-4): Can still get the bye but one of two scenarios must unfold (and perhaps both). 2 wins and 2 Sam losses, or 1-2 wins and 3 way tie with Eyepatches and MTT while passing the Eyepatches in points scored. Highly unlikely. At the same time, the Pylons are still in great shape for a playoff berth despite the loss. Play TPG, so will clinch a playoff spot with a win. A loss could put the Pylons in danger.

5. Stanky Monkeys (5-5-1): Here’s where things get interesting. The Monkeys have a golden opportunity here to just about lock up a playoff spot. A win and Farm loss will do that, but basically with a win will be extremely tough to miss the playoffs. Still alive for the bye week. Needs a win and King loss this week, then must beat the King next week. A loss this week could be disastrous, especially if the Farm manage a victory. A lot hanging in the balance on this game this week.

6. Johnson’s Farm (5-5-1): Somehow this team is STILL in playoff position. For the third time this season produced the low score of the week. I will admit I am Farm hater #1. Just a struggling week to week effort of “how many bad players can I put out there?” The disgusting part of this all is that the Farm is still in play for the bye. Plays league clown EEB next week, so a victory this week will almost certainly put the Farm in the playoffs. A loss this week will be very damaging, especially if TITTY can knock off Lou or TPG can down the Pylons.

7. Tequila Party Gnomes (5-6): Due to head to head win over Fusco, currently holds the number 7 seed. With 2 wins, TPG will be in the playoffs guaranteed. Pylons-Eyepatches is no way you want to end a season, but this team has looked pretty strong after an 0-3 start. Battled back in a big way to get into playoff position. A loss here will be absolutely crushing and would need all kinds of help to get in at 6-7. Loss and Farm/Monkeys wins would eliminate the Gnomes.

8. Tweeting in the Trenches (5-6): This team finally is in position to sneak into the playoffs, and I must say at this point it’s well deserved. Now 2^nd in scoring, Fusco has cracked the 160 mark for the 2^nd time in 3 weeks. Losing Nicks at this critical juncture is a huge blow, and Fusco has a lot of faith in the Bills carrying his team. Took out Nick last week, and with a win over Lou this week will be in great position for the playoffs. May need a TPG loss or Pylons or Eyepatches win due to tiebreakers, but this week is the big game. A loss here will probably doom TITTY. A loss and either Gnomes or Farm win will eliminate Fusco.

X - 9. The Stone Masons (3-8): Lost in heartbreaking fashion Monday night as Brandon Lloyd came up two points shy of taking down the Gnomes. Has been officially eliminated and will miss the EFFL playoffs for the 3^rd straight year. I feel bad because I’m one of the biggest Masons supporters out there.

X - 10. Coach Janky Spanky (2-9): EEB can definitely play the role of spoiler down the stretch. Games against 2 contending playoff teams will be big in affecting the pecking order. At 0-4 I was told that CJS would be in the playoffs. Sorry about it. Thanks for being the guy that drank the Ryan Mathews kool-aid.

The Rodeo Roundup

Well, we have 10 weeks in the books and the playoff picture is starting to clear up a little bit. Here’s a quick rundown of the standings and what each team needs. Currently there is a game and a half between 5^th-6^th and 7^th-8^th place, but that does not mean anything as these teams play each other frequently.

I also just wanted to remind you all of a few rules regarding rosters: The trade deadline is next Wednesday, November 24^th at 12 PM. ESPN for whatever reason lets you only pick Wednesdays at 12 PM. I am not extending it this year to add and drop players manually. It’s a hassle that’s unnecessary. If you want to make a trade, they must be accepted by that time next week. NO EXCEPTIONS.

Also, regarding adding/dropping players: No player added after week 12 can be kept. We will have our standard rule where you can add players up until 1 PM Sunday even with the Thanksgiving games. All teams may make drop/add moves up until the end of the regular season. After the start of games in Week 13, teams not in the playoffs cannot make any more moves. Once each team is eliminated from the playoffs they also can make no further moves. This will not put any eliminated team at a disadvantage because these players cannot be kept regardless.

1. Maybe This Time (7-3): By virtue of win over Pylons, currently sit as the #1 seed. 1 win or losses by TPG and TITTY get Sam into the playoffs. Win this week will almost certainly lock up a bye with tiebreaker over Pylons. Looking very good.

2. The King’s Crusaders (6-4): Leading the Odds division has the King in the #2 spot. Two Woodys at the top is just gross. Win AND TPG/TITTY loss locks up a spot for the King. Has some pretty big games down the stretch so this week is an almost must win.

3. Dueling Pylons (7-3): 4 wins in a row and 9 weeks in a row with 100+ points. Likewise has same requirements as Sam and a win this week will put the Pylons in a strong position for a bye with a widening point margin.

4. Animals With Eyepatches (6-4): Looking pretty solid for the playoffs, but will probably be pretty tough to get the bye with MTT and the Pylons squaring off this week and no games remaining against either team. Snapped a 3 game losing streak and looks to be back on track.

5. Stanky Monkeys (5-4-1): Lou currently has the tiebreaker over Nick due to head to head matchups. This team’s last 3 games… 165, 135, 67. Who knows what the future holds but will have to play their way in with all 3 games at the end against surrounding teams.

6. Johnson’s Farm (5-4-1): Pylons-Farm Week 14? Sign me up. The Farm has routinely been one of the lowest scoring teams in the league yet still is a threat for the playoffs. Huge games down the stretch will either make or break the season.

7. Tequila Party Gnomes (4-6): Picked up a huge win behind an entire team explosion. Like the Stanky Monkeys, last 3 games are 176, 100, 74. Totally all over the map. Final 3 games are all against teams that aren’t really on the playoff bubble. Will need help to get in.

8. Tweeting in the Trenches (4-6): Poor guy has had 140+ dropped on him 6 times already including 176 this week and 164 two weeks ago. Sucks. There is good news however. Remaining games are all against current playoff teams and can really play their way in. It may take winning all 3 but at this point I like their chances better than TPG. Winning the next 2 makes this a total crapshoot.

9. The Stone Masons (3-7): Got the win in the toilet bowl to stave off elimination Must win and get help to stay alive. A loss will eliminate the Masons.

X – 10. Coach Janky Spanky (2-8): EEB has officially been eliminated from playoff contention. The team has started to score a little more but with 100 points or less in 6 of the first 8 games, you dug yourself too deep a hole to climb out of. Had a leg up on everybody by getting a top 3 projected pick in the 2^nd round and still couldn’t get the job done. Disappointing season.

**** Week 10 Recap ****

Animals With Eyepatches 154 – Johnson’s Farm 105:

As has become standard, the Farm put up another mediocre week. In 10 weeks, this team has scored more than 110 a total of 3 times. This is tied for lowest in the league. Of all teams, the Farm also has the lowest high score, maxing out only at 140. Jimish meanwhile is all over the map. In the last 9 weeks, 5 games of 142+ and 4 games of 105 or less. When this team clicks, it explodes. All the makings of a playoff team, but could be tough to sustain week in and week out. I’m a fan. Somehow this Farm team has won 5 games this season, but the last 3 games will be no easy feat. Things could turn around quickly.

Tequila Party Gnomes 176 – Tweeting in the Trenches 104:

Same old, same old for Fusco. Opposing team absolutely explodes and has no shot at all. 22 times this season a team has broken 140. 6 of these have been against Fusco. It takes the fun out of fantasy football and I am sorry for your misfortune. To be the 3^rd highest scoring team and be 4-6 is frustrating. All is not lost, however. Important games remain and this team can still play their way into the playoffs. 7-6 should be enough to get in. TPG… damn son. A complete offensive bomb across the board. I don’t know if it can get much better than this, and I hope you haven’t peaked too early. Got the must win and can move forward trying to sneak in the back door… something that UJ is known for.

Dueling Pylons 111 – The King’s Crusaders 95:

A pretty uneventful game in which neither team performed up to expectations. I’m pretty sure that both teams are better than this, but the Pylons pulled out a win and took advantage of a poor week from the King. The Pylons midweek trade for Larry Fitzgerald gained him all of 2 points, so really not much to be said there. I fully expect both of these teams to be around come playoff time and they very well could meet again. Interestingly, in 6 EFFL seasons this was only the 9^th ever meeting between the two. The Pylons now boast the longest winning streak in the EFFL at 4 games and have scored 100+ in 9 straight games, also a current high in the league. Look for big things going forward.

Stanky Monkeys 165 – Maybe This Time 63:

The Michael Vick experience was on full display Monday night as the Monkeys just kept scoring over and over. If your QB and Defense combine for 7 scores, there’s no possible way you’re losing. At the same time, if you only put up 63 points, you have no shot at all of winning. All I know is that after being very consistent all season, with this stinker of a game, I’m sure to feel the wrath next week. Having Rivers and Colston on a bye didn’t help but it wouldn’t have mattered. 52 POINTS FROM A QB. Totally unreal. Lou has now won 6 of the last 7 against Sam. My favorite part of this rivalry is after each time they play the mandatory Facebook post from Sam to Lou groveling and declaring his greatness. Gets me every time.

The Stone Masons 135 – Coach Janky Spanky 126:

You wouldn’t know these were the bottom two teams by this score. In what was a true elimination game, this one went back and forth until Monday night when the Masons proved to be too much. EEB is now officially out of the playoffs, and I must say it is a damn good feeling. Between last year and this year there have been 26 weeks of fantasy football. This was the first time in those 26 weeks (and obviously the first time ever) that either of these two teams beat the other. Great info. The Masons are now in do or die mode until the end of the season. 6-7 may not be enough to get the Masons into the playoffs, but any loss eliminates them. This team’s resiliency is unmatched. The Masons have not been to the EFFL playoffs since 2007 so rest assured I am pulling for this team.

**** Week 11 Preview ****

The King’s Crusaders (6-4) v. Coach Janky Spanky (2-8):

Although this is the most inconsequential of games on the Week 11 slate, this is a Woody-EEB matchup that I am sure both are desperate to win. These two are the kings of looking ahead, but this game could matter more now than ever. If the King does fall in this one, the bye and a potential playoff spot could be in jeopardy. How competitive will Janky Spanky be with his makeshift roster? Meanwhile Chris is dealing and making moves like a madman. This is his traditional late season panic, but I think it is a little too soon to be overlooking a game like this. I like what EEB is brewing this week, and I think I smell an upset in the making. Look for Janky Spanky to take this one and make the playoff race that much tighter.

Dueling Pylons (7-3) v. Maybe This Time (7-3):

While this is the marquee matchup of the week, it is not the game of the week as it is not nearly as important as some other games. The Pylons have made it through the bye weeks and injuries with 4 straight wins, and this team will be at full strength for the first time in over a month. Sam is coming off by far her worst performance of the season, and it seems extremely unlikely that there will be a repeat this week. I’m fully expecting a complete turnaround. The winner of this game will be highly likely to get the Evens division bye so this will go a long way to winning a championship. I think this is going to be a very high scoring game that could come down to Rivers against Gates Monday night. ESPN currently projects a 162-162 tie. While I don’t usually like picking myself, I just think this team is too strong. Go Pylons.

Stanky Monkeys (5-4-1) v. Animals With Eyepatches (6-4):

The winner of this game is going to be looking very strong for a playoff position. The loser will have to do some more work to get in. When these two teams meet it is usually a good battle. The past two games were both won by the Monkeys: 137-135 and 153-139. Both were heartbreaking losses for Jimish. The Eyepatches looked very strong out of the gates starting 5-1, but things have not been easy lately. A big win last week snapped a 3 game losing streak. Vick can only carry a team so far, and I think this week the Eyepatches are just too much for the Monkeys to handle. If Lou loses this game, he could be facing a must win game in week 12 to stay alive.

Tequila Party Gnomes (4-6) v. The Stone Masons (3-7):

As noted above, the Masons must win to stay alive in the playoff hunt. If that happens, both of these teams will be in serious danger of missing the playoffs but will still technically be alive. It’ll be interesting to see how much you hear Matt yelling “He wears 81 in blue! Bottom of your screen! Single Coverage!” Having to face Tron in the biggest game of the season can’t be what TPG was looking for here. Also you can’t be looking to face the BG Broncos on Monday night. Every pass could be a dangerous one. As noted in their first matchup, these teams always play each other close and I expect nothing different here. In 8 career meetings, the margins of victory are: 6, 25, 4, 3, 6, 11, 4, 7. Can’t get much closer than that. If the Masons can get good production from some lesser players I can see an upset, but I’m just too encouraged by TPG’s effort last week. I think they get the win and knock out the Masons.

**** Game of the Week ****

Johnson’s Farm (5-4-1) v. Tweeting in the Trenches (4-6):

This is hands down the game of the week. When these teams met back in Week 5, the Farm pulled out one of the luckiest victories I personally have ever seen. With a minute left in the Vikings-Jets game and the game totally out of reach for the Vikings, Nick needed a miracle pick 6 from the Jets. Thankfully when Brett Favre is on the field anything is possible. After the interception if the Jets player had fallen down the game would have been over and TITTY would have been victorious. But he did not. I remember vividly Nick’s excitement when he texted me that this greediness to score was for no other reason than “bein a nig”. The anti Brian Westbrook. It’s interesting to think about now what the standings would look like had the result of that game been different. Despite his misfortune this season, Fusco has a huge opportunity to play his way into the playoffs. It starts right here. If Nick wins this game, we pretty much have our 6 playoff teams locked up. If not, things are guaranteed to come down to the last week. Nick’s roster is just so, so bad but Fusco is breaking rule #1 of fantasy football this week and is currently starting 3, yes 3, past or present Bills. I simply will pick Johnson’s Farm based on that, but of course this is subject to change. It obviously would make my life easier to have the Farm in the playoffs, but I’m pulling for Fusco here. Poor guy deserves a win.

Good luck to everyone this critical week 11. If you’ve made it this far, go back to the top and read the rules about trading and add/drops so there is no confusion. Looking forward to this week. Also the EFFL history link is updated through all games.

Coming Down The Stretch

As I’m sure you notice, the blog has had sort of an overhaul. It was boring before. Hopefully you like the new look better.

8 weeks are in the books and as of today there is not a single team we can say will certainly be in or out of the playoffs. The 4 teams that have 5 or more wins should seemingly be safe, but last year TITTY was 5-3 at the same point and did not make the playoffs. Every single win is hard to come by. Most likely after this week’s games I’ll start getting into playoff previews and where each team stands. Let’s head to the recap.

The King’s Crusaders 101 – Stanky Monkeys 67:

This is now the 4^th game Chris has won by scoring fewer than 105 points. Still nobody else in the league has won by scoring this low more than once. I’m really not sure what to make of this team. From the outside they look like a contender, yet it is obvious the King is prone to bad weeks. Having healthy receivers may be the key to his success. Also the message board post is one of the most ridiculous I’ve seen, but it was still good for some humor and trash talk. Well done. This was a disappointing effort from Stanky after the team had made much progress in the past couple weeks. I’m just going to attribute this debacle to having half a team on a bye week. I think at full strength Lou can have a respectable team, but with so many teams breathing down his neck for the final playoff spot, I don’t think there is much more room for error. This team has broken 120 only one time all season so there is still a ways to go.

Johnson’s Farm 120 – Tequila Party Gnomes 74:

I’ll be honest I did not see this result coming at all. Coming off a 155 point performance TPG looked prime to make moves in the EFFL. But having Boldin and Flacco on a bye and losing Britt and Zach Miller to injury pretty much sealed the Gnomes fate. Also a Sims-Walker explosion was unstoppable. There was a small explosion on Sims when TPG revealed that every time these teams meet that guy explodes. Digging into the archives confirms that in the past 3 meetings between these two, Sims-Walker has averaged 21 points per game. Rough. I still think the Farm is one of the worst, if not the worst team in the league. At 4-3-1, the team is looking respectable, but I see fortunes changing quickly for both of these teams. I say fluke.

Coach Janky Spanky 88 – Animals With Eyepatches 83:

Although I do appreciate EEB contributing to eventually securing a Pylons first round bye, I do not like the way this was done. The Eyepatches clearly lacked explosiveness without Roddy White and Romo. EEB has now scored more than 100 points twice in 8 weeks. No team in the EFFL has ever been that bad. Ever. Yet after this win, Janky Spanky sits only a game and a half out of a playoff spot and certainly alive in the playoff hunt. This should have been a week where EEB was buried but it was not to be. Jimish meanwhile has been boom or bust. 3 games 105 or under and 5 games 128 or over. Despite the loss this team is still a serious contender with tons of potential. Since he plays me I’m fully expecting an explosion in Week 9.

Maybe This Time 135 – The Stone Masons 109:

When the text came in at 1 PM that 3 Broncos receivers were going to be in the Masons lineup, I immediately shifted my focus to London and rooting for everything Broncos. There was nothing the Masons could even do about this game. Sam’s team has been on fire, and everyone from Peterson to Rivers to Witten exploded for a huge week. This is what happens when somebody else drafts your team. Like Janky Spanky above, the Masons are by no means out of the race at all. With 5 weeks to play, being within a game and a half of the final spot is very close. A 6-7 team could definitely get in. Opportunities are becoming limited, however, and the ship needs to be righted quickly. A week 9 Broncos bye will certainly put this team to the test. Sam’s team has proven again that it is a serious contender and now I am miserable with a Woody in first place in each division.

Dueling Pylons 164 – Tweeting In the Trenches 106:

This is the most points the Pylons have ever scored in a game, the most scored by any team this season, and the 9^th highest scoring game in league history. I’m sorry, I really am. I would have loved for this to be on Chris or Nick. This is already this 5^th time in 8 weeks that somebody has dropped 140+ on Fusco. It makes fantasy football not fun, and the only person I truly enjoy making fantasy football not fun for is EEB. 4 of the past 5 weeks TITTY has played either the high score or 2^nd high score. Interesting stats on Fusco’s EFFL history: when his opponent scores less than 115 he’s 9-0. In all other games he is 0-12. This is the absolute definition of a mediocre team. Fusco has scored between 90 and 120 in all but 5 games historically. If the Pylons can get healthy, this team is going to be extremely tough down the stretch. The Manning, Gore, Foster, Gates combo is a legitimate threat every week to put up 100 points. Despite Fusco’s rough fortunes, he sits only a half game out of a playoff spot at 3-5. I honestly like his roster, and if the pieces fall into place I wouldn’t be surprised to see this team near the top at the end.

**** Week 9 Preview ****

Stanky Monkeys (3-4-1) v. Coach Janky Spanky (2-6):

This is probably the most important game this week in the league, but it avoids game of the week status due to the fact that these teams are both so awful. These are the two lowest scoring teams in the league, and their scores last week combined still wouldn’t have beat the Pylons. This game is pretty much the season for Janky Spanky as a loss here would put him 2.5 games back of a playoff spot with only 4 to play. A win here and the bottom of the playoff bracket is blown wide open, and this thing will be like a dog fight until the end. Ironically, Stanky brings back the man himself this week in Vick. This game is also extremely important for Lou as the last 4 weeks of the season he plays 4 of the current top 5 scoring teams, the toughest schedule in the EFFL. EEB got the better of Lou back in week 5 with his only good week of the season. This also has my favorite named matchup as the Stanky-Janky Spanky matchup. I think Lou is going to step up and take this one with most of his team back. EEB’s team is just so so bad.

The King’s Crusaders (6-2) v. Tweeting In the Trenches (3-5):

Again, I just want to apologize. Get 164 dropped on you and then have to take on the King the next week. These teams have met twice and Woody has averaged 136 points in those games, both wins. A win here would almost certainly lock up a playoff spot for the King, but Fusco cannot afford to lose any ground with so many teams in the race. I think we’re gonna see a very high scoring game here, and Fusco needs to just suck it up and score a ton of points. This is certainly going to come down to the wire with Rodgers going against Jennings Sunday night and then TO going Monday night. TO has been absolutely dominant over the past month, and could certainly put up 30 points. Also very important is the Giants game to see who gets the bulk of the catches, Nicks or Steve Smith. I know each of these teams loves when I pick against them, but I think the King is just going to be too much in the end.

Johnson’s Farm (4-3-1) v. The Stone Masons (2-6):

Likewise with Janky Spanky, the Masons have a tremendous opportunity here despite being 2-6. With a win, the entire playoff picture is shaken up and the Masons will be alive and well. With a loss, it will probably be too large a hole to climb out of to make the playoffs. Thankfully the Masons get to play one of the weakest teams in the league. And even more, no Chris Johnson and no Sims-Walker. The Masons have shown resiliency before. Just last year, they sat at 2-6 and hopes looked very dim. 3 wins and a tie later, they were playing for the playoffs in a do or die game week 13. Having no Broncos will no doubt be tough, but I think Brees, Wells, McCoy and Tron will be having huge games. BG’s 2 highest career scores have both been against Nick, and I fully share in that sentiment of desire to beat him as badly as possible. The Masons will come out ahead in this one.

Tequila Party Gnomes (3-5) v. Maybe This Time (6-2):

This is a key divisional matchup, and this game is just as important for the Gnomes. A loss here will almost certainly put Sam into the playoffs as well and give TPG fewer opportunities to pass teams. Sam has scored 135+ 2 straight weeks, and keeping a streak like that going is very difficult to do. TPG meanwhile over the past 2 weeks has been night and day. A monstrous performance followed by a huge nothing. I’ve said many, many times that this team’s fortunes lie on the shoulders of Joe Flacco and I continue to believe it. I think this week the Dolphins get clowned by a strong team coming off a bye. I like picking the underdog, and I like to see Sam lose. Let’s go TPG and seal up this Pylons playoff bye week.

**** Game of the Week ****

Animals With Eyepatches (5-3) v. Dueling Pylons (5-3):

This game features the league’s two highest scoring teams. This game also features the most combined wins of any week 9 matchup. More than anything, this is a statement game. Both of these teams have looked to be on the verge of breaking out at various times throughout the season but neither has yet to do so. Jimish has now lost 3 of 4 after a fast start with that only win coming against these Pylons when he dropped 158 behind a monster effort across the board. That week the Pylons lost 4 players due to injury, and this time around things should be different. I fully expect this to be a high scoring affair. After losing 5 straight against the Pylons, the Eyepatches have now won 3 straight in this series. I don’t think this matchup could get any more even, and the Pylons will be in agony Monday night. I think the Eyepatches return from a down week to put up 150. It may take that to win this game, but it’s gonna be the Eyepatches moving to 6-3.

There’s your wrapup for this week. Good luck to everyone. Each game means a lot to the end of season results.

Past The Halfway Point

I wrote a review last week but did not get a chance to do a preview or post what I had written. Here it is.

According to NFL statistics, Week 7 of the 2010 NFL season was the highest scoring week in 25 years. Ironically, for the first time in the PPR era, 2 EFFL teams scored below 70 points in the same week. Congratulations EEB and Nick. You guys suck. I will say though that only once this season had a team scored more than 150 and it happened twice this week. 2 other teams scored 140+. They both lost. While many teams were either lucky or unlucky in week 7, it seemed to even things out over the season which is usually unheard of. All teams are within 75 points of each other for points allowed. Let’s get into who wound up in tears in Week 7.

Stanky Monkeys 126 – Johnson’s Farm 68:

It’s embarrassing to me that if the playoffs started today Johnson’s Farm would be in. With the league low score in two of the last 4 weeks, and a bottom 3 score in another, this team should be buried. Leaving over 100 points on your bench isn’t the best way to go about things, but I don’t think this team is going to scare anyone. Chris Johnson has scored 8 or fewer 3 times (0-3) and 21 or more 4 times (3-0-1). When CJ goes, so does this team, aka this team has absolutely nobody else that can do anything. Is there a better feeling than trading for a guy and seeing him explode for 45 points? Stanky looked to be in a world of hurt only a couple weeks ago, but after a couple trades and some nice waiver wire pickups could turn out to be decent yet. While not overly explosive, Lou has quietly turned into a competitive squad. This team has gotten some luck before so I wouldn’t be surprised either way with the Monkeys.

Dueling Pylons 100 – The Stone Masons 93:

This was just a crappy game all around, and the Masons missed a golden opportunity to take advantage of a reeling Pylons team. With almost the entire team injured or on a bye, the Pylons bench had a total of 2 points before the Monday night game. If you told me Josh Freeman would outscore Drew Brees I would have taken it. Also the Masons duo of Broncos certainly left something to be desired. When you allow 59 points to the Raiders, it’s just a bad day all around. Out of 18 players in this matchup, only 5 had their team win the actual game. Any time that happens you’re almost certainly in for a low scoring fantasy day. Luck happened to be on the Pylons side for once, and an injured Antonio Gates toughed it out to seal the victory. If this was the low point of the Pylons season, I certainly can’t complain. The Masons are a better team than this and I suspect you’ll see a much better performance in week 8.

Tweeting In The Trenches 112 – Coach Janky Spanky 69:

In 7 weeks, this is now the 4^th time Janky Spanky has failed to break 100 points. This week wasn’t even close. I’m honestly looking at EEB’s roster and wondering how you can possibly draft a team that bad. I believe we have found subject #2 for the “Who do we keep feeding alcohol at the draft?” poll. Out of their last 11 draft picks (round 7 til the end), only 3 remain on the roster. At 1-6 Coach Janky Spanky is now the league whipping boy, and anyone fortunate enough to play them twice is in luck. EEB’s QB, RBs and WRs put up a combined 32 points in this game. This is probably some sort of league record, but I’m not spending the time looking into it. I’m still not sold on TITTY, but Rodgers, Nicks and TO have been putting up solid weeks. This team has boom or bust potential, but in a muddled EFFL that could be enough.

Maybe This Time 153 – Animals With Eyepatches 142:

The Eyepatches certainly deserved a better fate than a loss in this one. After a monster showing in the 1 o clock games I thought the Eyepatches were on their way to another victory. Even heading into Monday night they looked to be in decent shape. But that all changed when rookie white guy Chris Gronkowski missed a block and got Tony Romo killed. The Eyepatches were still holding onto the lead until late in the Monday night game when Jason Witten was just too much. Great comeback by Sam in this one to get an important win in the division. The Evens division looks extremely tough this year, and this win was huge to keep Jimish from running away with it. Despite the loss I still think the Eyepatches look like the team to beat. This was the 4^th time in 7 weeks they have broken the 140 point mark, and this team will be a serious contender all season long. Losing Romo for awhile could hurt, but Jimish always seems to find a way to right the ship.

Tequila Party Gnomes 155 – The King’s Crusaders 143:

Both 5-1 teams put up 140+ in week 7 and both lost. 8 of the 10 teams are now within 2 games of each other with only 6 weeks to play, and this race could not be any tighter. TPG absolutely exploded in week 7, and I was being cursed out for offering advice to use Patrick Crayton. Thankfully he did enough to get the win. If TPG had used Kenny Britt’s monster game, this could have been a record setting week. With the right lineup combination TPG could have maxed out at 207 points. The King made a valiant effort to come back and try and win this one but it was just not enough. Darren McFadden could have been the difference in this one. I think both of these teams are for real as TPG looks to have very solid depth and balance. Tough loss for the King, but you have already won 3 games when scoring less than 105. Nobody else has won more than 1 scoring that low. Welcome back to the race.

The Dreaded Injury Bug – Super Blog

First I just wanted to apologize for not having a recap last week and for this being so late this week. Been really busy at work lately, but I want you all to know that my commitment to the EFFL and defeating league clowns Fusco and Gambino is 100% there. I am always taking applications for guest bloggers. But to make up for it, this will be a longer than usual blog with lots of excitement. I truly cannot remember a year where there has been such animosity between teams. To quote TPG, my phone is literally smoldering each Sunday with hatred and smack talk. One day we will have the technology to convert these text messages into message board format, but until then trust me it has been outstanding.

Some highlights from week 5 include the first time I’ve ever heard Woody curse in my life. Following a 2^nd Percy Harvin TD to defeat Jimish on Monday night, I received a text saying “that’s how you get shit done”. While disgusted, I could not agree more. Also, classic hubris from Fusco as he indicated to me that he likes when I pick against TITTY because he always wins. Sadly, a meaningless Favre pick and Jets defensive TD with a minute to go on Monday night won the game for Nick. Here’s how things played out in week 6:

Tequila Party Gnomes 111 – Maybe This Time 101:

This has to have been one of the most uneventful fantasy games in recent memory. Although viewing the Sunday games with TPG for the first time in a long time, he seemed distant and disinterested in anything related to fantasy. Focus was simply on gambling and trying to out-boss everyone in the place with his Lions ballcap. I must say this: if you ever get the chance you should go to Delaware Park to watch the gambling degenerate fools. The bigger the hit, the better. Legal, illegal, doesn’t matter. If players are injured, dancing or blazed on the field, this crowd loves it. One player combined on these two teams put up over 18 points. Total snooze fest, but TPG definitely needed the win to get back into contention.

Here is my annual rant on Sam, and this is entirely on the shoulders of the schedule maker. In the past 20 regular season games, opposing teams have scored more than 115 against Sam a total of 3 times. THREE! The Pylons and TITTY have allowed more than 115 4 times each already this season! This luck is unheard of in fantasy football. Or at least I’ve never heard of it. This is not a knock on her team, but damn what did she do to deserve this? She’s played one of the top 4 scoring teams of the week only 4 times. Wow. I’ll let that sink in while Fusco cries about how he’s allowed 140 4 times this season. Poor guy hasn’t even played the Pylons yet.

The King’s Crusaders 139 – Tweeting In The Trenches 105:

Said TITTY took it hard on the chin this week. Any time your opponent has 100 points by 3 PM you know you’re in trouble. This was a week where the Schaub-Andre Johnson combo just wreaked havoc. Also, finally a Greggy Jennings sighting after going missing through the first 5 weeks of the season. The King has been pretty hit or miss this season so far. When Andre Johnson has a big week, so does this team. Also having your opponents score an average of 94 per game the past 3 weeks is the cure for everything. I think Fusco is in some trouble here, now losers in 4 of 5. I’m just staring at his roster and this team doesn’t scare me at all. But I don’t think it’s all his fault. Teams have either put up 140+ on him (0-4) or scored less than 95 (2-0). This is indicates to me that he looks like a middle of the pack team at best and losing Addai and Dallas Clark certainly doesn’t help matters whatsoever. Woody is now 5-0 against the 2 2009 expansion teams. Guys, he’s really not that intimidating.

Animals With Eyepatches 158 – Dueling Pylons 114:

Sure the Pylons are 2^nd in points scored and 2^nd in the breakdown. Sure they have as of today the #1 QB, RB, WR, TE and #3 RB. And sure, Jimish is just the latest to unleash fury on the Pylons with a ridiculous league high this season of 158 points. Dwayne Bowe and Brandon Marshall were absolutely relentless during the 1 o clock games. There is a pending league investigation into Bowe’s illegal use of stick um after a TD celebration went horribly wrong. What was initially intended to be a spike of the ball clearly showed Bowe with the ball stuck to his gloves ala Orlando Jones in The Replacements. Bottom line, if 3 of your players are forced to leave the game due to injury, you’re not going to win regardless. Week 6 was an absolute mess for the Pylons as this team will now be forced to use many reserves for the next couple weeks. Jimish’s team is absolutely on fire, and I know that I’m scared of him. Most points scored and fewest points allowed is the ultimate recipe for success, and the Eyepatches look very good thus far.

Stanky Monkeys 116 – The Stone Masons 100:

PLEASE USE DERRICK MASON. PLEASE. The entire league has been Jonesing for him since August 27^th and we’ve yet to see him make an appearance. Also, starting a kicker on a bye is the ultimate statement, especially when that kicker is Mike Nugent. I know it is difficult to remove him from your lineup, but this cannot be the optimal strategy. These teams have now faced each other a total of 11 times, and one or more teams has scored 100 or less in each of those 11 meetings. I find that absolutely remarkable. Lou is dead last in scoring yet sits at a somewhat respectable 2-3-1. This 116 was his high for the season. Every other team’s high is 134+. That is unbelievably bad. To make matters worse, in between weeks I have to listen to offers of “oh I’ll give you an injured guy and Wes Welker for Manning, and while I’m at it, throw in the #1 RB for Wayne also”. Get out of here. If this team makes the playoffs… just wow. With the Pylons or TITTY’s schedule, the Monkeys would be 1-5 and a bottom feeder in this league. In the Monkeys past 10 games dating back to last year and including the playoffs, they have averaged barely over 96 points per game. If by some off chance I were to be considered a hater, this is the team I would hate on the most.

Johnson’s Farm 100 – Coach Janky Spanky 99:

Obviously for good reason this game was saved until the end. This was about as disgusting as it gets in fantasy football, and I know if I was EEB I would be sick about it. To make matters even worse, Nick won in exactly the same fashion he won the prior week with a meaningless garbage TD at the end of the Monday night game that should have never happened. If not for greed, this team would be near the bottom of the standings as well. The Farm’s past 4 games have been decided by a combined 7 points, which is absolutely absurd. In addition, all 4 of these games came down to the final seconds of the Monday night game. Behind the scenes, Gambino’s favorite people at ESPN were orchestrating something that would crush hearts around the world.

With a little over two minutes remaining in the game, ESPN approached both Jeff Fisher and Jack Del Rio to notify them that they were hoping for some more TV timeouts. While Fisher scoffed at calling unnecessary timeouts, Del Rio jumped at this opportunity to suck at the teet that is the worst sports network in the world. Fisher wanted to take a knee to end the game, but Del Rio was having none of it. So instead of the game ending peacefully the Titans were given more opportunities to run the ball, and wouldn’t you know it on a 4^th down play Chris Johnson rips off a 35 yard TD run and giving the Farm a 1 point victory.

EEB was sent into an absolute frenzy as he started to shake violently and curse out his fiancée. While she reminded him that he was doing better in his 14 other leagues with random internet phenoms, nothing could console him in his EFFL misery. This has to be one of the absolute most painful defeats I have ever seen in my life. To make matters worse, the next day I received a phone call that was nothing but a 10 minute rant on how fantasy football ruins lives and how he will never be the same or as innocent as he was before that sexual abuse. I’m sorry man. I know Nick wishes it was me or Lou that it happened to, but sometimes you just gotta take it and move on. You may get revenge when you guys meet up again in the final week of the season.

**** Week 7 Preview ****

The Stone Masons (2-4) v. Dueling Pylons (3-3):

Although these are my two favorite teams in the league, they do not win the game of the week award simply because there is just not enough beef between them. Heading into their last meeting, the Pylons had owned the Masons and defeated them in an EFFL record 8 straight games. Now these two teams sit at a crossroads. Each sits right in the thick of the wild card realm, yet each is dealing with their own problems. The bye weeks have caused all kinds of problems for each, and now each must show that they can use their reserves to get a win. This is such an important game, and a Masons win would really open things up for the rest of the league. This very well may come down to Felix Jones on Monday night against the Giants, but I think the Broncos passing game goes off this week against a Raiders secondary who was abused two weeks ago by the Pylons receivers. I’m looking for the Masons to take this one and get back into league contention after a slow start.

The King’s Crusaders (5-1) v. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-4):

After an impressive showing last week, the King has moved well ahead in the Odds division. I don’t know how he does it every year. 3 of his 5 wins have come when he scored fewer than 105 points. Any time I score less than 105 I get blown the fuck out. The last 7 times these teams have met, the King has averaged 140 points. Matt must be excited to see Andre Johnson on the bye this week. I really don’t know how I feel about this King squad. I think reputation alone is making a huge impact, but I’m really not all that impressed with the roster. Personally I think trading McFadden was a bad move. After all the love over the years for him, to let him go for a backup QB and Giants Steve Smith seems foolish to me. Nicks clearly is the guy in New York now, and Smith is nothing that special. These teams combined have 5 players going Sunday and Monday night so this will certainly be one to watch towards the end of the week. I think the Flacco-Boldin combo explodes this week and TPG takes this one. Represent the evens division well. After this week the King only has one out of division game left, so this is critical to create some distance if the divisional matchups go poorly.

Animals With Eyepatches (5-1) v. Maybe This Time (4-2):

These teams met 3 weeks ago when each was 3-0 and Jimish came out ahead in a battle that didn’t appear to be of 2 unbeatens. Sam is the only team that has scored 100+ in every single week thus far, so congratulations. I think this again will be a tight game, but the Eyepatches just look so strong right now. This game very well may come down to Monday night with Bradshaw and Witten going against Romo. 4 of the past 5 games between these two have been decided for 5 points or less and I expect nothing different this time around. The Eyepatches could be hurt, however, if the EFFL commissioner does decide to suspend Bowe for his illegal action last week. Maybe Brandon Marshall again this week can get every pass thrown his way and have 25 points before halftime. Maybe all of your players shouldn’t play at 1 o clock torturing the other team mercilessly for hours. Maybe Ryan Torain shouldn’t look like a coked out version of Ricky Williams in his picture. None of these things are going to happen this week, and the Eyepatches are going to continue to mow through this league at a record pace. And by mow I mean scoring 107 points since you’re playing Sam. PS Happy Birthday Jimish.

Stanky Monkeys (2-3-1) v. Johnson’s Farm (3-2-1):

I know this game may have appeared to be the game of the week, but it’s not. Nothing either team has done deserves any sort of special mention whatsoever. Both of these teams suck, and have been given far too many chances thus far. They met 4 weeks ago when a controversial scoring change left the first meeting in a tie. There is a lot of bad blood and this is a matchup where each team wants to win desperately. But, it may only take 90 points to win this one. This is actually a very important game for both teams, because if they end up tied in the standings, the winner of this game will have the tiebreaker over the other. And since the likelihood of there being another tie in the league is pretty small, we really could be talking about the last team in and last team out of the playoffs. Nick once again has a player going Monday night in Miles Austin. If this comes down to the end again I think we may lose an EFFL member due to stress. I’m picking the Monkeys just cause. Why not?

**** Game of the Week ****

Coach Janky Spanky (1-5) v. Tweeting In The Trenches (2-4):

Although this matchup features two teams at the bottom of the standings, this game is here for one reason and one reason only. Both of these teams suffered heartbreaking Monday night defeats at the hands of the Philly Moron. Each team is reeling right now, and neither can afford to slip any further than they already have. If EEB falls to 1-6 he will almost certainly be out of the playoffs. Likewise, Fusco can ill afford to have anyone below him pass him in the standings. Over the past 2 weeks these teams have scored the exact same number of points. Over the past 4 weeks these teams also have scored the exact same number of points. Even worse, a Fusco loss could put him below Sam for worst all time EFFL winning percentage. Other than playing each other, the only win either has gotten was by beating Lou. Precisely why I am a huge hater. I really think this will be the best game of the week and I guarantee the loser ends up in tears. Yet again EEB will have to wait to see what happens Monday night, and I think it’s going to be another week of misery, leaving EEB questioning his purpose in life yet again. I like TITTY to win this one and put some heat on the other playoff contenders.

Well that finally wraps up this massive document. I’ve hit the middle of page 5 in Word and this has set the record for longest blog ever. Hope you enjoyed it. Good luck this week.