The Stage Is Set

Wow has the past week been a crazy one in the EFFL both on and off the field. With one week in the books, we are down to the final 4. Ironically, it is the exact same final 4 as in 2007. As of today, we know the following to be true:

- One of the teams that played in the 2007 championship game will be back in the game this season.

- The 3 seed has taken down the 6 seed for the first time ever.

- The last time each of the matchups occurred, they both produced over 250 points combined.

- Also for the first time ever, Peyton Manning’s squad will not be on the championship roster.

- The Stanky Monkeys are the worst of the 4 remaining teams.

In preparation for this week, the Gnomes, Pylons, and Monkeys painted the city of Baltimore a nice shade of red this past Friday night. This was no ordinary bus trip. It was the Phi Sig Crush Party from Towson. A bottle of vodka was destroyed in about half an hour at the pregame. While Stanky and myself each shared a seat with 2 lovely young ladies, the Gnomes were shuffled to the back and shoved to the inside of the bus wheel row with some dude. Perhaps it was because he was wearing purple on purple with an undershirt that said “Nidge”. Upon arrival, the Gnomes had some built up tension from the bus ride that was soon to be let loose on the dance floor.

I can’t even put into words how great the scene was. An overhead fog machine was firing a jet of air at high speeds and the Gnomes were yelling the lyrics to Britney Spears’ “Womanizer” at the top of his lungs. Akon was also trying to make love. I’ll be honest here. I drank too many rum and cokes to give a more detailed description, but from what I’ve heard the night progressed downhill with the Gnomes getting slapped in the face for saying the bus was going back to Staples parking lot as well as the Monkeys screaming “FUCK THE PYLONS” multiple times. It all ended with Pylons and Monkeys dancing on chairs and drinking til the wee hours of the morning while the Gnomes returned to sleep in his car for 2 hours before work the next morning. EFFL does it big.

Now that the madness off the field has ended for the time being, it’s time to focus on the task at hand: the semifinals in the EFFL playoffs.

#1 The King’s Crusaders (11-2) vs. #5 Tequila Party Gnomes (6-7-1)

If there is one word to describe the Gnomes 2008 playoff season it would be redemption. As predicted in last week’s writeup, the Gnomes-Eyepatches week 14 game was one of the best we’ve seen all season. Heading into the 4^th quarter of the Monday night game the Gnomes led 134-133. Matt Bryant had shanked a 40 yard field goal off the left upright, but it was the Carolina running game that in the end did the Eyepatches in. As Carolina kept scoring the Bucs defense kept losing points, and after the dust had settled the Gnomes were victorious. Prior to Monday night’s outcome I was notified by the King himself that he wanted the Gnomes in round 2, as he felt it was an easier matchup for his squad. Well the King got his wish, but as history has shown this sort of request can come back to haunt you.

The 2007 Championship game was nothing short of a Baby Unk spanking. An 86 point victory saw the King hoist the trophy and have his name enshrined forever on the EFFL trophy. This brings me back to my initial word for the Gnomes: redemption. To come so close to the title and then have it come crashing down so quickly surely resonates on TPG. Even a 129 point effort in week 8 wasn’t enough to derail the King, who now holds a 4 game winning streak over TPG. King has been a machine, scoring over 120 points in 8 straight weeks. But also worth noting is that in week 14 the King had his lowest point total since week 3 and would have lost to the other 3 remaining teams. Such is the beauty of the bye and now he can turn his focus to a real game. I’m on the ropes about this one. Could the King’s allegiance to the Texans cost him? After seeing Antonio Bryant torch the Panthers can Brandon Marshall do the same? I think the Gnomes pull the unthinkable and return to the finals for the 2^nd straight season.

#2 Stanky Monkeys (10-3) vs. #3 Dueling Pylons (10-4)

For the first time #2 will host #3, but that is hardly the story here. If this game doesn’t get your blood pumping then nothing will. This has to be the right at the top of most trash talked rivalries in the league. It again started last week well in advance of this potential matchup. Perhaps the Monkeys were already expecting a Pylons victory. After dispatching the Ari Golds relatively easily, the Pylons finally have their first playoff win and now smell blood in the water. Between the starters and bench players, the Pylons amassed an incredible 268 points in week 14. The key to success could be the absence of Browns and Lions on the roster. A healthy Reggie Bush certainly doesn’t hurt either. There is a 0% chance the loser of this game is not found curled up in the fetal position in a gutter somewhere.

The Stanky Monkeys also own a 4 game winning streak over their playoff opponent dating all the way back to 2006. The Pylons are the only team to reach week 15 for the 3^rd straight season. Perhaps the 3^rd time is the charm to get to the title game. Here’s an interesting stat that I have stumbled upon. Stanky Monkeys have won their last 16 games against opponents that are not the King or Jackson Five. This must stop this week. ESPN has projected an early 42 point margin of victory for Stanky. Ridiculous. I don’t see any possible way that this game doesn’t come down to Monday night. With Westbrook, Eagles defense, and Akers going against the Browns, the Pylons will probably need at least a 50 point lead to feel safe. I can only imagine how many “NASTY” text messages I’m going to receive. The real nastiness is going to occur in the Vikings-Cardinals game where the Monkeys will be in emotional anguish for a good 3+ hours. After consulting my Chinese calendar, it appears that 2008 is the year of the Pylon. Look for a Pylons-Gnomes final.

To say the least I am excited. I can’t wait for all of this weekend’s games, and I’m sure the hype is equally building around the league. There is a lot of pride at stake and I look forward to writing the final review next week. In the words of the late, great Jesus Quintana, “You ready to be fucked, man? I see you roll your way into the semis” Good luck to all.

The Time Has Come

Finally after 13 weeks of football we know who will face who in the EFFL playoffs. It came down to the final minutes of the final game of the regular season for things to finally be set. It became apparent that the Golds would be in with the Jaguars defense doing very little to help the Jackson Five out. This was actually the first year we’ve had to use a tiebreaker to determine the final playoff spot. Also a furious 4^th quarter comeback by the Gnomes and kicker Josh Scobee forced our first tie of the season.

Playoff notes according to the league rulebook (available at the side of the page):

- Now that the Jackson Five and My Team Is Awful have been eliminated, they are no longer permitted to make any transactions. Once each team in the field is eliminated, they will also no longer be permitted to make transactions.

- No players that are added can be kept for next season. I will continue to update the list in the EFFL History spreadsheet to keep track of these players.

- After the first round we will reseed despite ESPN saying otherwise. If the Golds should win in week 14, they will play the King. I will manually edit this should this situation arise.

- Any ties in the playoffs will be broken based on total team TD’s and total team yardage in that order. ESPN says the higher seed wins the tiebreaker. If there is a conflict I will also manually edit this.

I would like to say it has been a very fun regular season. I can’t believe we’re already at week 14 of the NFL season, and I have no idea where the time went. Just looking at round 1 of the playoffs has me ecstatic. The 2008 Playoffs are definitely going to be the most intense in the history of the EFFL. Here’s how things have shaped up.

#1 The King’s Crusaders (11-2): This team set all kinds of EFFL records this season. Most points scored, most regular season wins, tied for longest winning streak, and over the last 8 weeks have averaged over 144 points per game. Well deserving of a bye, how fitting is it that it was West Virginia product and Texans RB Steve Slaton who contributed the final piece of this team’s regular season run. The King now will wait patiently for either the Golds or the winner of the Eyepatches/Gnomes.

#2 Stanky Monkeys (10-3): Needing a win or tie to clinch a bye in round 1 of the playoffs, the Monkeys came through with a staggering 140 point effort against the Pylons. Brian Westbrook set the tone early with a 4 TD performance on Thanksgiving. In some sort of congratulatory attempt, my mother invited the Stanky Monkeys over for a delicious home-cooked meal while I am at this evening’s Flyers game. A true slap in the face. With the week off the Monkeys will most likely head to the slopes to try out for Shaun White’s new snowboarding video game. Week 15’s playoff tilt will feature the Pylons again with a win or the Eyepatches/Gnomes winner with a Golds win.

#3 Dueling Pylons (9-4) vs. #6 The Ari Golds (4-9)

The league wanted to see it, and until about 4 minutes left in the game Monday night it looked like it wasn’t going to happen. Then Steve Slaton struck, the Golds had lost, and the epic grudge match was on. These teams have a bitter rivalry which peaked when the rookie Golds took down the Pylons in the 06 playoffs en route to a championship. Since then, each team has had ups and downs, but the inevitability of revenge has finally reared its head. The trash talking for this game even began before the matchup was known. I’ve already been told by half the league that a Golds victory would be the highlight of their season. I may not be able to show my face in the tri-state area for a good 6 months with a loss.

The Golds head into this game riding a nifty 5 game losing streak but at least showed some signs of life last week in a defeat. The good news, however, is that the 6 seed has won the championship each of the last 2 years, and the Pylons have never won a playoff game. I’m shaking my head in disgust and laughing right now just typing this. The Pylons have hit a slight rough patch with the injury to Reggie Bush, but now back at full strength I believe this is the best Pylons playoff team to date. Both teams have fantastic matchups, and I think this is going to be a shootout. It may come down to Steve Smith on Monday night, who the Golds traded to the Pylons at the trade deadline. I have to do this. It’s time to break the streak. Look for the Pylons to move on to the semis.

#4 Animals With Eyepatches (7-5-1) vs. #5 Tequila Party Gnomes (5-7-1)

Deemed the #1 rivalry in the EFFL, these two teams squared off in rivalry week in Week 1, and then not again until the decisive Week 13, the only such teams to have games of this magnitude. When the possibility was brought up a few weeks ago that these teams could meet in round 1 of the playoffs, my text message inbox was filled with “I Want Jimish” text messages. Call it a love/hate relationship. Trust me here that Jimish is 4-5 steps up from the grenade the Gnomes set in front of me this past Friday. Praise Jesus that I avoided that land mine. Our first date would’ve been at Hardee’s.

Back on topic, both teams hoped to garner some momentum headed into a potential rematch, and both teams left week 13 feeling unsatisfied. 2 late Jaguars touchdowns and 2 Josh Scobee extra points later and the Gnomes and Eyepatches ended in a tie. I don’t think any other result could have been more favorable headed into this grudge match for the good of the league. In 9 career meetings these teams have now split the series 4-4-1. What I’m sure sticks out most in the mind of the Gnomes is the bitter playoff defeat suffered back in 2005 when Chris Chambers and Terry Glenn went off for 14 catches, 259 yards, and 3 TD’s. There’s unfinished business here and I think this is going to be one of the best games we’ve seen all season. I like the Gnomes here to finally get some redemption after all this time.

I’d also like to wish The Jackson Five and My Team Is Awful a healthy offseason. Both teams have some great keeper options and already appear to have a head start on a positive 2009 season. The Five stayed in it until the very end despite hitting a rough patch for much of the season. I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle 3 weeks of postseason games. I’ll take 2 weeks, trust me. I really hope these games live up to the billing because the hype for a postseason has never been so high. Good luck to all 4 teams this weekend.

The Final Week

Week 13 Playoff Standings

* #1 The King’s Crusaders (10-2): Has locked up a first round bye with week 12 win. Will be #1 with win OR Stanky Monkeys win. #2 with week 13 loss AND Pylons win.

* #2 Stanky Monkeys (9-3): #2 and bye with week 13 win. #3 with week 13 loss.

* #3 Dueling Pylons (9-3): #3 with week 13 loss. #2 with win AND King win. #1 with win AND King loss.

* #4 Animals With Eyepatches (7-5): Locked in to #4 seed. Will play either TPG or the Ari Golds in round 1 of the playoffs.

* #5 Tequila Party Gnomes (5-7): Despite a week 12 loss, TPG has clinched a playoff spot with a J5 loss. A week 13 win OR Golds loss will have the Gnomes in a rematch week 14 with the Eyepatches. This is a dream scenario for the EFFL. A loss AND Golds win AND Golds outscoring TPG by 16 in week 13 would see the Gnomes play either the Pylons or Monkeys.

#6 The Ari Golds (4-8): This team has been crashing and burning and now must turn things around in week 13. Have still not clinched a playoff spot, but can do so with a win OR Jackson Five loss OR being outscored by the Five by fewer than 21 points in week 13. If in, would face the Pylons, Monkeys, or Eyepatches depending on other results.

#7 The Jackson Five (3-9): Somehow this team is still alive. Given a last opportunity via a Lance Moore Monday night thriller, the Five now need a win AND Golds loss AND outscore the Golds by 21 points or more. This is absolutely possible. If the Five do sneak in, it would be as the #6 seed and would face either the Pylons or Monkeys in round 1.

x #8 My Team Is Awful (1-11): Locked up last place with a week 12 loss but can play spoiler against the Five, who accounted for Awful’s only win this season.

Getting Towards the End

11 weeks in the books and things are starting to take shape as the playoffs approach. A 4^th team has locked up a playoff berth and 1-2 more teams could follow suit this Sunday. Here is the recap from all things week 11.

The game of the week certainly shook things up in the EFFL. A stunning performance from the Jackson Five has catapulted them right back into contention and left the picture for the final 2 playoff spots wide open. Bridging the way for this victory was 75 minutes of football from McNabb and Housh as well as solid efforts from Michael Turner and DeAngelo Williams. The Golds in the meantime have hit a rough patch, and expressed his concerns to me about his team making the playoffs. A quote from Gambino’s post game press conference: “You know, I really feel we’re playing like complete shit right now. Ever since we traded Ronnie it’s like the players don’t respect me as a man. Steve Smith even threatened to fuck me up in the showers. We may miss the postseason.” Shocking words from the Golds.

Needing only 19 points to win from TO and MB3, the Eyepatches made quick work of Dueling Pylons Sunday night. This is a win the Eyepatches needed to make their presence felt as a serious contender in the EFFL. Winners of 3 of 4, Jimish looks to be heading in the right direction as the postseason approaches. The Pylons meanwhile showed up with their 2^nd lowest point total of the season. Finishing the regular season on a high note has continually been a problem for the Pylons. With a difficult slate the final two weeks, the Pylons cannot falter if they hope to ever win a playoff game.

Up only 10 points heading into Sunday night, TPG had Cooley going against Santana Moss and took care of business. Moss continued his inconsistent season and sent My Team is Awful out of the playoffs and to a 1-10 start. This is the worst 11 week start in EFFL history. This is also the first time a team has failed to show up at the draft. Perhaps there is a correlation. TPG meanwhile has their swagger back like Puff, and looks poised to go deep in the postseason ala 2007. Gore, Megatron, LT, and BMarsh are the backbone of this team, and as they go so will the Gnomes.

In a matchup of two heavyweights, the King took out the Stanky Monkeys by a margin as wide as the Woody’s double wide in West Virginia. As the sun went down Sunday evening, the Monkeys were found on a sidewalk in the fetal position crying “Why did I bench Lance Moore?!?!?” Lou completely forgot that the King still had 2 players left and this lineup decision was irrelevant. The Monkeys inconsistency may rear its ugly head once the playoffs roll around. In odd weeks, the Monkeys are now averaging only 105 points, while in even weeks the team is averaging 134. The King meanwhile is the league’s hottest team and certainly looks like the team to beat at the moment.

*** Week 12 Preview ***

The King’s Crusaders vs. My Team is Awful

This game screams blowout. A 1-10 team against a 9-2 team, plus the fact that Chris has taken 8 of 10 against his sister seems like an easy call on paper. Looking a little closer, the King has actually only scored over 117 one time in these 10 matchups. I still think that this game doesn’t get anywhere close. These 7 game streaks respectively will not end. I predict an 8 piece chicken tender and a King victory.

The Jackson Five vs. Animals With Eyepatches

Here’s a game featuring two teams right in the thick of the wild card mix. With a playoff spot locked up AEP cannot let up against a fierce rival. In 7 straight, neither team has beaten the other by more than 20 points. This seems like another close battle and one that the Five need desperately to stay in the hunt. I think the Eypatches will just be too much and continue to take care of business.

Stanky Monkeys vs. The Ari Golds

Former neighborly rivals, these two teams have turned into sworn enemies on the fantasy football field. Lou has never put up fewer than 129 points against the Golds in 4 games. Apparently knowing this, the Golds have tried to ignite a spark by attempting to trade for Braylon Edwards. This is an absolutely critical game for the Golds with the Jackson Five breathing right down their neck. This game could end up coming down to Monday night, and with Westbrook banged up the Golds have hope. Look for the Monkeys to complete a comeback late in this matchup and send Nick home with his tail between his legs.

*** Game of the Week ***

Dueling Pylons vs. Tequila Party Gnomes

That bitter taste in the Pylons’ mouth is the backlash from Norv Turner’s week 6 escapade to self glory. This man has laughed and spat in my face since his days back with LaMont Jordan and the Raiders in 2005. A stunning 1 point defeat to the Gnomes was my undoing. The Pylons are out for revenge, especially after losing in the playoffs last year. These teams simply do not like each other, and I expect this matchup to be a dog fight. Knowing that a TPG victory would almost certainly seal up a Gnomes-Eyepatches playoff spot, I fully expect the Gnomes to win this game.

That’s all for Week 11. Trade deadline is the start of games tonight. If anyone is around this weekend, maybe we can get together to watch the games somewhere.

2 Weeks Left - Playoff Update

Week 12 Playoff Wrapup

* #1 The King’s Crusaders (9-2): After downing the Monkeys and a Pylons loss, the King stands in sole possession of first place. Any of the following in week 12 will lock up a first round bye: King win, Pylons loss, Monkeys loss. A King win AND Pylons loss would lock up #1 overall seed.

* #2 Stanky Monkeys (8-3): By virtue of head-to-head tiebreaker with Pylons hold #2 seed, although these teams meet week 13. This week’s game is much more meaningful to other teams as both the King and the Ari Golds would benefit greatly from a loss, but the Jackson Five would love to see a win here.. Cannot lock up a bye in week 12.

* #3 Dueling Pylons (8-3): From #1 to #3 in a matter of a week and still does not have a top 3 seed locked up. While unlikely, 2 Eyepatches wins, 2 losses, and a 117 point swing in scoring could land this team in 4th. Similar to Stanky Monkeys, this week’s game has no bearing on whether or not this team gets a bye. Again, the King and Ari Golds hoping for a loss, and the Five are looking for help to sneak in the back door with a Pylons win. Also cannot clinch a bye in week 12.

* #4 Animals With Eyepatches (6-5): Instead of playing with chance, the Eyepatches took care of business against the Pylons in week 11 clinching a playoff spot. This team will almost certainly end up in the 4/5 matchup. With games against desperate teams in the Jackson Five and the Gnomes, the win last week was huge. One of these final two games could be a potential playoff rematch.

#5 Tequila Party Gnomes (5-6): Even though that Patron may be on ice, the Gnomes are red hot. After consecutive victories, the Gnomes are in prime position to grab a playoff spot and can clinch with either a win or Jackson Five loss. A victory this week would almost guarantee 2 consecutive weeks of Gnomes-Eyepatches. Hopefully the Gnomes won’t be throwing this week’s game to try and get out of this. The King is pulling for you.

#6 The Ari Golds (4-7): I’ve been preaching it all along. This is not the time of the season that you want your team to hit a rough patch. The Golds have lost 3 straight and have not cracked 90 points in a month. Now with games against the league’s top 2 teams, this team may be drawing mud with a desperate Jackson Five team right on their heels. Now that the season series has been split, the tiebreaker will go to total points, where the Golds have only a 22 point lead.

#7 The Jackson Five (3-8): After weeks of futility the Five have finally responded. Needs to win at least 1 more game than the Golds to get in. 2 Gnomes losses, 2 Golds wins, and 2 Five wins would still leave the Five out on tiebreaker. Needs to win and get some help, but the week 11 win has this team right in the mix. Could this team be the 2008 version of last year’s Crusaders?

x #8 My Team Is Awful (1-10): Finally put out of your misery with a Week 11 loss. Hopefully you show up at the draft next year and can play spoiler in the final two weeks. The league would appreciate a win over your brother.

Almost Playoff Time

With 10 weeks in the books, the race for the postseason is becoming clearer. The top 3 teams continued to roll, putting up the 3 highest point totals for the week. For the season they have also gone 21-3 against the rest of the EFFL. We all know how much the regular season means. The #6 seed has been crowned champion each of the past two seasons. The Gnomes this morning indicated that he is indeed hoping to be #6 come week 14. Here’s how it all went down in week 10.

The game of the week certainly did not disappoint. With each Steve Breaston catch anticipation continued to build for the Gnomes with an eventual eruption of “YES!!!!! suck one gravett!!!!” sent via text message following a beautiful 50 yard touch pass from Warner to Breaston. The bonehead decision by Andy Reid to run the ball not only hurt the Eagles, but also the Jackson Five, as valuable points from McNabb were lost. One would be left wondering why Marques Colston was left sitting on the bench in favor of a pair of Buckeye receivers. How ironic that a Michigan player was the one who eventually did you in. The story of the Five’s 2008 season could be summed up with points left on the bench, and now the collective backs of this squad are up against the wall.

The poor Ari Golds never even stood a chance in week 10. The starters and bench of the team combined had only 84 points. Pylons starters Double Glove, All Day, and Fast Eddie put up a combined 87. The damage could’ve been much worse had the Pylons not started Braylon Edwards, who is the worst player in the league. This Pylons team is budding with confidence and looks poised to cap another amazing regular season down the stretch. The imminent return of super stud Reggie Bush could strike fear into the hearts of EFFL competition. The Golds were befuddled Sunday Afternoon as the text messages poured in and the laughter ensued. Deemed “the worst day ever in fantasy football”, the Golds pity party doesn’t end any time soon with a tough slate the rest of the way. Not even Jerricho Cotchery could produce, as he scored only 2 points despite the Jets putting up 47 on the Rams.

The heat is on in the EFFL. Is it coming from a flame-broiled whopper? No, that’s just the King cruising to his 6^th straight victory in dominating fashion yet again. This week it was Mewelde Moore, David Garrard, and an STD infested Kellen Winslow who got the job done. Outside of Andre Johnson and Anquan Boldin, this team is a revolving door yet continues to make it work. This is a dangerous strategy to employ but thus far it has worked very well. The Eyepatches put up a very respectable 119 point effort in the loss and should be in the playoffs barring a miracle. A goose-egg from Berrian did not help, but there was nothing that could be done this week. This team looks very solid, but is there enough firepower to get this team to the top? Thus far the Eyepatches have hit the 120 point plateau only twice in 10 weeks.

Where to begin, where to begin with this Stanky Monkeys team. Although sitting at 7-2, the Monkeys had outscored their 1-8 opponents by only 57 points for the entire season. The Monkeys responded with a 152 point outing and guess what: I still say luck. Sending out Thomas Jones in the 4^th quarter up 40-3 is bad enough. Giving him carries up 47-3 with less than 4 minutes left in the game is asinine. There’s a reason Eric Mangina is one of the least respected head coaches in the league. The guy is an absolute jackass and learned from the queen of the assholes in Belichick. Luck exhibit A and Luck exhibit B continue this charade. There is no way this can continue week in and week out. Fear not league members. My Team Is Awful certainly is that, as another mediocre effort didn’t get the job done. This team is consistent if nothing else, putting up between 80 and 110 almost every week. That’s not gonna cut it in the EFFL. You need to be ready to dominate every week, and the urgency just isn’t there. Perhaps getting Witten and Santana Moss back will create some sort of spark, but the end is near.

**** Week 11 Preview ****

Tequila Party Gnomes vs. My Team Is Awful

TPG comes into this game flying high off a huge win against J5, and looks poised to turn this game in their direction. Ironically, 2 years ago it was the Gnomes who sat at 1-9, somehow still alive, desperately needing a win to keep the run going. The Gnomes got that win and continued to fight the good fight. This, however, is a desperate Gnomes team who has had nothing guaranteed thus far. Although a loss here would not be disastrous, this is a game that TPG needs to come out and dominate. I think it will go that way.

Dueling Pylons vs. Animals With Eyepatches

In a matchup with the least bearing on the playoff picture, these teams have been relatively equal over the past month or so. The Pylons have, however, had the number of the beasts. Winning this game would be a big step in moving towards a first round bye for the Pylons, while the Eyepatches could be victorious and lock up their first playoff spot since 2006. I think the Pylons are just too much right now and will get the job done come Sunday.

The King’s Crusaders vs. Stanky Monkeys

The last time these two juggernauts met, the King squeaked out an 85-71 victory all the way back in week 3. Pathetic. This time around, these teams are ready to rumble with 5+ game winning streaks each. Who will the King turn to this week? Who will be added Friday or Saturday that puts up 20 points? Is Thomas Jones bicep wider than Lou’s head? All of these questions should be answered in week 11. I think at least one of these teams should be able to put up 90 points. As the Pylons would benefit more from a Monkeys win, I will take them reluctantly in this affair.

**** Game of the Week ****

The Jackson Five vs. The Ari Golds

The Five appear in this section for the 2^nd week in a row, and it is well deserved. This is the last chance for J5 to come through with a victory to make a playoff push. Now losers of 5 straight, lineup decisions at this juncture are absolutely critical. The most pressing question is will the team turn to quarterback Tarvaris Jackson to lead this team through the rough patch. These teams have traded blows in the past and arms and legs will be flailing in this catfight. The Golds need this game bad. With Lou and Chris on the schedule for the last two weeks, the Golds can’t waste an opportunity to lock up a playoff spot. No doubt the Eyepatches and Gnomes would love to see their fate sealed this week, but Nick I want you out. I’m jumping on the 2-8 Five bandwagon, heading right to the front because it’s empty, and pulling for this team to get the job done.

This should be a very exciting week 11 with a lot of games to keep your eye on. There could be some shakeups in the standings.

Week 10 Playoff Update

Playoff Preview

* #1 Dueling Pylons (8-2): Only a heartbreaking 1 point defeat and a porous effort against the Stanky Monkeys have stood between this team and perfection. By virtue of total points scored holds the #1 seed. Has all but locked up a top 3 seed and could make a huge statement towards a first round bye with a win this week.

* #2 The King’s Crusaders (8-2): The King has exploded in recent weeks and could easily be the strongest team in the EFFL right now. Good coaching decisions have helped pave the way for a resurgent regular season. A huge game against the Stanky Monkeys in Week 11, as a win would put the King up a game with the tiebreaker and almost certainly lock in a first round bye.

* #3 Stanky Monkeys (8-2): Unlike the other two teams, the Stanky Monkeys are a guaranteed top 3 seed despite sitting in 3rd place at the moment. A brutal final 3 weeks of the King, the Golds, and the Pylons could keep this team on the outside looking in for a bye. It’s time to see what this team is really made of.

#4 Animals With Eyepatches (5-5): Although the Eyepatches appear strong and in control of the #4 seed, there is still a scenario in which the Eyepatches could miss out on the playoffs. With a game this week against the Pylons and the final two against the Jackson Five and TPG, nothing is a given. A win or Five loss at any point would lock up a spot.

#5 The Ari Golds (4-6): This team is sputtering. Losers of two straight and the lowest scoring team in the past 3 weeks, the Golds may be on shaky ground. A win against the Jackson Five this week erases everything and locks up a playoff spot. A loss and all of a sudden the Golds are fighting for their lives while having to deal with the Monkeys and King over the final two weeks. Huge, huge game.

#6 Tequila Party Gnomes (4-6): The Gnomes have finally added a signature win to their resume. Although behind the Golds, TPG appears to be on more solid footing for another playoff appearance. The Gnomes cannot let up, however, as a desperate Jackson Five team could sneak up and make some noise.

#7 The Jackson Five (2-8): This team missed a golden opportunity against the Gnomes to get right back into the picture. The good news is that with a Week 10 Golds loss, a win in week 11 keeps the Five right in the middle of it. A loss puts the Eyepatches and Golds in. It doesn’t get bigger than this.

#8 My Team Is Awful (1-9): Barely a pulse, but scenarios could play out which would include this team in the field. Absolutely must win this week. Could also use a Jackson Five win to help playoff hopes. Not looking good at all, but anything can happen.

Gnomes, Pylons, and The Dennis toward the bottom right

Whoa nellie the big boys came through in a big way. All with impressive victories, the King’s Crusaders, Stanky Monkeys, and Dueling Pylons all locked up playoff spots. What a dramatic turnaround it has been for the King. Since losing 7 straight in the middle of the 2007 season, the King has now gone 11-2 in his last 13 games and finds himself right in the thick of the battle for the top spot. With the Monkeys still facing both of the other 2 teams, it is hard to imagine a team outside of this group of 3 getting a first round bye. A week 13 matchup between the Pylons and Monkeys could prove to be huge. On to the week 9 review.

Dueling Pylons handled My Team is Awful with a 46 point beatdown. The Pylons still probably hold a grudge for the 2005 playoff matchup which David Jackass Akers made a field goal to send a meaningless Eagles-Giants game into overtime. Jeremy Shockey sealed the deal in OT with some garbage points and that was all she wrote for the Pylons. The more pressing matter is the fact that Awful has lost 5 straight games and sits in the cellar at 1-8. This once proud franchise has gone 4-18-1 since their playoff defeat in 2006. Stop drafting the same players. They aren’t getting any better. The good news, as there always is some, is that Awful sits only 2 games out of a playoff spot with 4 to play, including matchups with the 2 teams standing in the way of that elusive playoff berth.

What was billed as Week 9’s game of the week turned out to be one of the worst games of the season. Newly acquired Chris Johnson was the only player for either team to go over 20 points, but the effort was in vain. Offset by Steven Jackson’s 1 point and Nick Fizzolk’s 2, the Golds really did not stand much chance in this game. In a pivotal middle of the pack affair, it was the Eyepatches who took the step forward to almost guarantee a playoff spot. A win this week for the Eyepatches would put that shit on lock. The Golds should be OK, but this is not the juncture of the season which you want to get cold.

At approximately 1:03 PM EST on Sunday the King threw in the towel against the Jackson Five conceding victory like John McCain. Although premature, this game did eventually come down to the 2^nd half of the Monday night game where Clinton Portis put it away. A lack of TDs ultimately hurt the Five in this matchup. Despite having the lowest point total and the most points allowed, the Five still remain right in the thick of things for the playoffs. There are no more games against the 3 7-2 teams, so this team controls its own destiny. I fully expect a rebound and a customized shirt for Sunday games that says “FIVE ALIVE”.

This Stanky Monkeys team does not have me convinced. Every week it seems like some other garbage player is contributing to a team that gets no points scored against. 6 out of his 9 games the opponent has scored 100 or less. It seems like a team that could have a huge week but also be a huge flop. This is not a recipe for playoff success. TPG was in this one all the way, however, with Cooley and Jason Campbell fighting til the end to let the Gnomes play spoiler. Until a last minute Campbell INT, this game was not over. Leaving Chad Johnson on the bench has never served well. At 3-6, the Gnomes have seen more trying times and still remain in the 6^th playoff slot. This is a resilient bunch with a talented roster. I expect this team to make some noise before the season is over.

***Week 10 Preview***

Stanky Monkeys vs. My Team Is Awful

The battle of March 3, 1987 should be a good one. These teams come in heading in opposite directions, but that can all change quickly. The Monkeys are in, so this team may get lax against a desperate Awful team. Brett Favre against the Rams and MJD against the Lions could be tough to compete with, but I look for this one to be a relatively close game with the Monkeys sneaking one out.

The King’s Crusaders vs. Animals With Eyepatches

These teams have traded shots in the past and always produce entertaining games. This is the ultimate matchup of overanalysis vs. let it ride. Both teams head into this game on winning streaks and both look poised to make some noise in the playoffs. Having Barber and TO on a bye could hurt the Eyepatches, but the emergence of Tim Hightower must be exciting. I look for the Eyepatches to get done what they could not only 3 weeks ago and down the King like a delicious Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger from the best fast food restaurant ever, Wendy’s.

The Ari Golds vs. Dueling Pylons

In any normal week this would be the game of the week hands down. This is the game that annually produces the most smack talk in the EFFL. These teams simply do not like each other. A Week 3 Pylons win surely still sits on the Golds’ mind when Jerricho Cotchery and Antonio Gates were no match for the invaluable Nate Kaeding.

What better way to make that statement than to throw in Marc Bulger and Steven Jackson. Please come home from WVU and skip class on Monday so we can play Rams drinking game Sunday afternoon. The last time I played Rams drinking game I ended up face down on the living room floor at 8 p.m. while the Gnomes got covered in blue acrylic paint and puked in a plastic keg bucket full of water. I strongly like and dislike so many players on your team this will be rough for me. The Pylons are in first place for a reason, and I look for another huge game to take this team of destiny to 8-2.

***Game of the Week***

The Jackson Five vs. Tequila Party Gnomes

3-6 vs. 2-7. #6 vs. #7. It’s week 10 and the season could be on the line for the Jackson Five. A loss to the Gnomes here and it could be the end of the line. Due to scheduling, this is the first time these teams meet, and it will be the only time these teams meet. The tiebreaker between the two is at stake, and could keep one team on the outside looking in. 4 of the 5 previous meetings between these teams have been decided by 6 points or less. This is the ultimate battle of desperation at just the right time, and despite the records of these teams, this is no doubt the game of the week. I think that the Gnomes have shown me a little more thus far, so I look for them to take this one.

That's all for this week. After next week I'll probably do a playoff preview or something to let you know where everyone stands and how the seeds are shaking up. Remember the deadlines that I posted below. Also, good luck to Lou as he heads out to Arizona to try and make the Arizona Sundogs of the CHL.

Notes From The Commissioner

I just wanted to remind everyone about upcoming deadlines which are in the EFFL Rulebook:

1.) The trade deadline is before the start of week 12. November 20th is the last day trades can be made.

2.) The deadline for any add/drops is either the end of the regular season for non-playoff teams or when the team is eliminated from the playoffs for playoff teams.

3.) Any player added after the trade deadline may NOT be kept for next season.

I also wanted to note that in the updated EFFL History spreadsheet that will be published this week, I have created a tab that lists the restricted players that cannot be kept. Sorry for the delay in this. If there are any questions, my office door is always open.

Still No Playoff Spots Have Been Clinched

3 teams tied for first. There must be a regular season champion.

Again I missed another weekly writeup and again I came away on the ass end of a defeat. The fantasy gods have struck down and they have said you must write. The only Homecoming point of note is the tailgate beverages. Due to an exorbitant purchase of a 32 pack of Yoohoo juice boxes, we needed to mix it with something. The beverage of choice was Dr. McGilliguddy's Mentholmint Schnapps. This mixture tasted like a mint girl scout cookie and was absolutely delicious at 9 am in the freezing cold parking lot. Week 8 was relatively uneventful.

The Stanky Monkeys took out the Pylons by a wide margin. This marks the 3rd straight victory for the Monkeys, who have not lost to the Pylons since 2006. A dynamic effort from Brian Westbrook was all she wrote. A full strength Monkeys and a weakened Pylons team seemed destined for this result. I received the usual text messages while Lou was at the Linc telling me how nasty his team was. The players he was referring to: Thomas Jones, Lance Moore, and Tony Gonzalez. This is what the EFFL has come to. Some clown believing he is the champion of the world because of scrubs that had a decent week. This must be stopped. I also shattered my watch into multiple pieces in a fist slamming incident involving a chair following a DeAngelo Williams touchdown.

The upstart Ari Golds took care of business against the tailing Jackson Five. Deactivated shortly before kickoff the Golds needed to scramble to find a replacement for #1 stunna Steven Jackson. Jerricho Cotchery was inserted and he did not disappoint. His 17 catches for 22 yards provided a huge spark of 19 points for the Golds. The Five meanwhile are fading quickly. Losers of 3 straight, the only enthusiasm uttered Sunday afternoon was a high-pitched “FANTASY” after a McNabb TD plunge. The big name guys are not getting it done. This team may need to look to trade or the waiver wire to get things going. After paying his league fees, the Five shook his head, knowing that he was funding my alcohol addiction.

Animals With Eyepatches (AEP) are riding Drew Brees and Roddy White back to fantasy stardom. This duo, along with a once in a lifetime performance from Debbie Does Dallas Clark, single-handedly have put Jimish back on the map after multiple seasons of fantasy futility. I like this Eyepatches team, as did many others at the draft. The reality is that we all know this team took the most time to put together, and the results are showing. Scouring player blurbs and projections for seemingly 10 minutes at a time, this highly calculated team is paying dividends. A 35 point effort from Carlos Santana Moss was not enough for “My Team Is Awful”. Your logo is a picture of Brett Favre crying, but I think the real problem is just having Brett on your team. The guy is an interception machine, and thus far it has not snowed in New York, preventing Brett from throwing snowballs in boyish celebrations after a hail mary that his receiver bailed him out on. Just hang it up old man. Chad Pennington and Aaron Rodgers are making you look like a complete joke. Aside from the rant, the awful team is still only 2 games out of a playoff spot with 5 to play. This thing is not over yet.

In the high scoring game of the week, the King moved to 6-2 with an impressive defeat of the Gnomes. It is Tuesday morning and I am just noticing that King used Antonio Bryant in his lineup?!?!? Good thing it didn’t hurt you, be wary of using Buccaneers. Unless you’re wearing a puffy shirt, I’d steer clear. Coming back from a nasty head injury, Anquan Boldin had a huge game with 2 TD’s, shredding the overrated Panthers secondary. Feat not league members, the Texans schedule gets much tougher. This must have been a demoralizing defeat for the Gnomes. Forced to choose between Chad Ocho Cinco and Torry “Big Game” Holt, he just couldn’t muster enough to take down that homo in the crown. The Gnomes now sit at 3-5, grasping on to the final playoff spot. A “MEGATRON!!” text couldn’t save Matt from succumbing to defeat.

Week 9 Preview

Tequila Party Gnomes vs. Stanky Monkeys

The last time the Gnomes beat the Monkeys was… well… never. The Monkeys have taken all 5 lifetime meetings, and it doesn’t get any easier in week 9. LT and Frank Gore are on the bye which should make the Gnomes plans for this week interesting. Lou must be loving missing Peterson, Bush, LT, and Gore in a span of 2 weeks. Whatever asshole made this schedule should be ostracized by the league. The Monkeys do lose superstar Lance Moore so this should be an even tradeoff. Based on the matchups I have to take the Monkeys in this one as much as I don’t want to.

Dueling Pylons vs. My Team Is Awful

On paper this looks like the 1st place Pylons should take care of the last place Awful team with ease. Looking a little closer, however, the Pylons have been on a downswing since the injury to the Reg. Awful meanwhile relies mostly on luck and could blow up any week. My guess is that this is not the week as All Day takes on the Texans and Larry Fitz entertains the Rams. Peterson may run for 350 yards and 5 TD’s… in the first half alone. With many players playing in late games, Awful will most likely have to come from behind to get the victory which I find unlikely. Look for the Pylons to set league records across the board in week 9.

The Jackson Five vs. The King’s Crusaders

This one is gonna be fun. King has very difficult matchups in week 9 including the Texans taking on the stout Vikings defense and Portis going up against the Steelers on Monday night. Known to play the matchups heavily, we could see an entirely different Crusaders squad come gametime. Meanwhile, I think the Five have a tremendous opportunity here to make a statement and get right back in the thick of things. McNabb will have his full arsenal in Seattle and the Eagles should dominate a joke of a Seahawks squad. I like the Five here in an upset between two bitter rivals. Perhaps we can go out to watch the games somewhere Sunday so I can see you two bicker.

***Game of the Week***

The Ari Golds vs. Animals With Eyepatches

Jimish was talking smack to Nick before he even played his first game in the EFFL. He backed it up with a win in Nick’s first ever game. Since that game, these teams have gone in different directions. 1 championship for the Golds and only one playoff appearance for the Eyepatches in almost 2 and a half years. A narrow 3 point Eyepatches victory in Week 5 surely has the Golds miffed. Both sitting at 4-4 right in the middle of the EFFL table, the Golds no doubt will be looking to wipe that bad taste out of his mouth. The standings may not tell the whole story, but over the last 6 weeks, these have been 2 of the 3 highest scoring teams in the league. Sporting a nifty 3 game winning streak, I expect the Golds to fall flat on their face in this one and get a nice spanking from the Animals.


Alright, that’s it for this week. Hopefully MLB will end baseball before November, provided it accommodates the Rays as much as possible. What a complete laughing stock that league is. At least hockey is back and the Flyers have actually won a game. I will be back with a review next week. Don’t wanna mess with karma.