Only 4 Teams Remain

I know this is the blog you all have been waiting for.  We can officially say the Pylons have been eliminated.  I am blogging with tears in my eyes wondering what could have been.  With just one more win, it would have been the Pylons, not the Gnomes, who had the first round bye.  But it was not meant to be.  Instead I am left eating an early dinner of barley and hops, hoping to wash away the sorrows of a 7th season with an empty trophy case.  I usually do not do a finals preview due to the lack of interest around the league, but we will see what kind of mood I am in next Monday.  While this is a tough loss to swallow, losing to a Woody or Gambino would have been far worse.  Here is what transpired in week 1 of the playoffs.


The Stone Masons 129+ - Dueling Pylons 126


I'm sure both of these teams expected a high scoring affair.  The Masons came out on fire, as at 1:05 PM the Lions defense had already scored a Touchdown.  By 2, they had gone in again, as had Shady McCoy.  It looked like the Masons were well on their way to an easy victory.  But the Pylons fought back.  Rob Gronkowski did his best to keep his squad in it.  Ultimately, it was Pylons #1 nemesis Eli Manning who caused the most damage.  Eli was responsible for eliminating the Pylons back in 05, and 6 years later, nothing has changed.  I still do not know how an Eagles fan can root for Eli in any situation, so more power to you.  Only twice in league history has a team scored more in the playoffs and lost.  I know you didn't mean it when you said my team was terrible.  The Pylons are loaded in the keeper category, so expect this team to be a serious factor in 2012.  It's going to be a long off-season.


The King's Crusaders 158+ - Coach Janky Spanky 115


Last Monday night, seeding had still not been determined.  Chris was rooting for Philip Rivers.  I was rooting for Philip Rivers to score exactly 19 points.  There was a general consensus around the league... "I want to play EEB".  This was the exact reason.  Janky Spanky has been on a downward spiral since midseason, and not even Antonio Brown could stop it.  I warned you.  I told you.  Even after Brown scored 26 Thursday night, I told you not to get ahead of yourself and just wait til MJD drops 40 on you.  What did you do??  You got drunk again and called me shitfaced to say "Fuck Woody".  Just because you're intoxicated doesn't mean the fantasy gods are.  They hear everything.  I'm sure after coming up empty in all your serious leagues, you'll take some time to reflect this offseason and think about what you've done.




So only 4 teams remain, and this means again this year I am forced to write a check to a Woody.  This has to stop.  Please.  It's so bad, I seriously contemplated (and at the last minute scratched) a line from my best man speech at Chris' wedding.  It read, "Andrea, I'm happy I can finally write a check to a Woody I like".


Here's where we stand:


#1 Tequila Party Gnomes v #5 The Stone Masons


It's safe to say I am pulling for the winner of this one to win it all.  Early indications are that Adrian Peterson will play, but it will be a big factor if the Gnomes are not at full strength.  Brady against Tebow would have been a great game to watch.  I'm a little skeptical if the Masons can keep up the big week 14 performance as Tron has gone completely missing over the last couple weeks.  The Masons are going to need a big game from him if they want to take down the #1 seed.  With Money Mike Wallace going Monday night, this could well come down  to what some say is the fastest receiver in football.  The Gnomes have been preparing and waiting for this game which seemed like it would never arrive.  I look at the roster top to bottom and I like what I see.  I think TPG comes through and moves on to the championship game.


#2 Lady Luck v #3 The King's Crusaders


Things have fallen pretty nicely for Chris of course.  Got to face EEB in round 1 and now the worst of the 6 playoff teams in round 2.  The good news is one of these teams will be eliminated.  The bad news is quite obvious.  Chris is looking to make his 5th consecutive EFFL final.  I don't know how this happens (right EEB?), but things always seem to fall into place at the right time of year.  Sam's team has actually rebounded a little bit, but I have no idea how you go through a season with Jared Cook at TE and think that's a good idea.  This team is going to put up 130+ or score about 80, and it's totally up in the air which it will be.  This should actually be a fun game to watch as Ray Rice, Ravens D and Cundiff will go against Mathews and Vincent Jackson on Sunday night.  I really don't see Sam winning this game... I would be shocked.  And it will be up to either Matt or BG to prevent another shaming of the league trophy.



I wish I was still playing, but it was just not meant to be.  Praying with Tebow was not enough.  Good luck to you 4 in Week 15.

Bitter Rivals Meet in Round 1

As is usually the case in the EFFL, the 6 seeds were not settled until Monday night.  Due to an explosion from Philip Rivers, I am able to write the blog earlier than planned.  We can talk about the NFL all we want, but at this point everyone is focused on the real league... the EFFL.  Fusco, Lou, Jimish and Nick... unfortunately it wasn't meant to be this year.  It seems injuries and awful drafting doomed you 4.  Fusco is now 0 for 3, and has never made the playoffs since joining the EFFL.  Lou has missed the playoffs for the first time since 2006, which I'm sure is very satisfying for many owners.  It's a shame for the other two that players just did not take off as expected.  Beast Mode did not begin until week 10, which is a severe problem when the regular season is only 13 weeks long.  Although he does love his Skittles.


Here is what the playoffs look like:


1. Tequila Party Gnomes (9-4)


Despite losing their final 2 games, TPG can't be all that concerned.  I was notified that there was a players only vacation in week 13 which would explain the lack of defense.  And with a bye in week 14, the players should be well rested for the semifinals.  Having Peterson back will be a huge boost as well.  One thing which I'm sure TPG will be ecstatic to read is that this team cannot face King until the finals.  Will face EEB if he manages to pull the upset, or the winner of Pylons-Masons with a King victory.  Also personally thanking BG for knocking off Sam and locking up the $30 prize for best record.  Congratulations on your #1 seed and first round bye.  We'll see you in week 15.


2. Lady Luck (8-5)


True to form, Lady Luck has limped into a bye.  This team lost 5 of their last 7 and is just playing awful right now.  But starting 6-0 certainly goes a long way, and this team should have a week to rest up players battling injury.  Returning Ahmad Bradshaw and Miles Austin is going to be big.  Believe it or not this team averaged 140 points per game over the first 6 weeks, and this team could find magic at the right time to make a run.  It certainly wouldn't surprise me.  I also don't know how I feel about an all Woody semifinal.  It would guarantee one is eliminated, but it would also guarantee one in the finals.  Somebody else needs to take this trophy.


...and for the first round matchups:


#3 The King's Crusaders (8-5) v #6 Coach Janky Spanky (7-6)


My how the mighty have fallen.  After 7 weeks Janky Spanky was 6-1.  He was spewing his usual talk of how this league is so easy, his team is so good, and it was only a formality before he hoisted the trophy.  After looking completely mediocre over the final 6 weeks perhaps EEB has reconsidered his stance.  You were named Norv of the week for excellence in coaching ineptitude.  Yet all of this occurred before you committed the most cardinal sin in fantasy football.  You got shitfaced and executed a final hour trade with King.  After claiming all season long how you liked your 3 back approach, you caved and traded the leading rusher in football for Antonio Brown and Cedric Benson.


The fantasy gods did not react well to this deal.  They had blessed you with a chance this year, and you spat in their face.  And wouldn't you know it, week 13 right before the playoffs start, your beloved Matt Forte goes down with a knee injury, you lose to Gambino, and you're stuck facing the man you just traded with in an elimination game.  This was inevitable.  I hope before you prepare for this matchup you take a long hard look in the mirror.  Drinking and trading with Woody is against EFFL law.  I'm predicting a quiet end to the Janky Spanky season and look for King to move on.


#4 Dueling Pylons (8-5) v #5 The Stone Masons (7-6)


This is exactly what I didn't want.  A playoff game against Tron.  The Masons needed to secure a victory to get in the playoffs and came through in a big way.  I believe at one point I received a text that was along the lines of "Take that Manly Luck".  Wrong.  Believe it or not the Pylons have dominated the Masons over the years, with an 11-2 record.  The Masons defeated the Pylons once in 2005 and once in 2009, that's it.  Although history is on the side of the Pylons, it really doesn't mean much when it comes to elimination.  Of those 13 games, none has been in the playoffs and none will be bigger than the matchup this week.  This is the first time the Masons have made the playoffs since 2007.


Honestly I'm shook.  I had this team at either #1 or #2 in my power rankings all season, but that was before Fred Jackson went down with injury.  You can only be a violater of the #1 rule in fantasy football for so long... No past or present Bills.  Roy Helu could prove to be a huge pickup down the stretch.  The Pylons have been riding the Tebow wave, and perhaps it can't continue.  But winning 8 of 9 to enter the playoffs is a pretty incredible streak, and the Pylons have been doing it with big weeks.  I think the Pylons will prove to be too much and advance to face the Gnomes again in week 15.



Good luck to the 4 teams playing this weekend.  Big rivalries should prove to be outstanding games.  This may be the final blog of the season with a happy tone, so I hope you enjoy.

Pylons Caught With Pants Down

Wow what a week 12!  2 games which directly impacted 7 of the 10 EFFL teams came down to the final seconds of the Monday night game.  While I will get into that later, let’s first get to the good stuff.

Norv of the Week: Norv Turner

It took 12 weeks, but finally Norv has earned his namesake.  And boy did he ever earn it.  I will have to say that this is the Norv of the Year.  Let me paint the scene for you… The Broncos have just tied the game at 13 following another miracle drive by Tebow.  The Chargers have 1:34 left on the clock, and one timeout to try and get down the field to kick the winning field goal.  Pylons kicker Nick Novak has just been caught whizzing in a cup on the sideline and he’s ready to roll.  The Chargers move the ball to their own 40 yard line.  On the next play, still with over a minute left and one timeout, Rivers is sacked.  Then came the Norv.

Norv doesn’t call timeout.  Norv doesn’t try to move the ball.  He throws in the towel and decides he wants to play for overtime.  Almost as idiotic as this “playing not to lose” mentality was his rationale behind this decision.  When pressed on the issue, the response was an absolute classic.  This is a direct quote.  “I don’t think we would have protected and got it off. I don’t know that I wanted Philip to get a hit and have the ball come out or something of that nature.”  I think this may have set a new low in coaching ineptitude.  You don’t try to move the ball because you’re concerned that your QB is going to get hit???  You need to find a new profession man because that’s just pathetic.  Also, way to totally slap your offensive line in the face.

And yes, I saw Jesus in overtime.  I saw him reach down and push Novak’s field goal attempt wide right.  I also saw him grab a Chargers defender and pull him off Willis McGahee’s leg on his 24 yard scamper to set up the winning field goal.  The Broncos have to be the most entertaining team in the league to watch right now.  And when you have Norv v Jesus, I’m betting on JC every time.  Norv and his antics will be gone after the season.

The Playoff Picture

Monday night was absolutely wild.  I promise this will be the most you will ever hear me talking about the Giants.  With so many teams so close together, every single play changed the whole playoff picture.  Going into this game, the only things that had been settled in the league were that TPG was in and FDS and the Eyepatches were out.  As the game went on, a few things became evident:

First, a Drew Brees explosion gave Janky Spanky a much needed win and put CJS in great shape.  TPG had lost which meant that if the Pylons came back to win, their week 13 matchup would have been for a first round bye.  The second half rolled around, and it was pretty obvious that Darren Sproles would not be able to bring the Pylons back.  This secured a first round bye and the #1 seed for TPG.

Following a 2^nd Lance Moore TD, Lady Luck officially had knocked off Gambino and clinched a playoff spot.  If the Stone Masons came back for the victory, the Week 13 matchup between Luck and the Masons would have been for a first round bye as well.  More on that later…

So at this point, we move to the 4^th quarter.  We knew: TPG bye, Luck in, FDS out, Eyepatches out.  Despite being down by 25 points, Coughlin has Eli throwing nonstop.  Fusco is holding a very comfortable 26 point lead on the Stanky Monkeys, and all he needs to win is to not have Victor Cruz outscore Hakeem Nicks by 27 points in the 4^th quarter.  First play of the 4^th quarter… Bomb to Victor Cruz who scampers for a 72 yard TD.  Monkeys are back.  Masons are back.  Fusco is shitting himself.  Even still, the Giants are way behind and have absolutely no chance of winning.  The Saints score again giving the Giants the ball back with 10 minutes to go and down again by 25.

Eli is firing again.  Bang Cruz for 7.  Cruz again for 10.  Later in the drive, Cruz for 7 more.  Hakeem Nicks is nowhere to be found and the Monkeys are suddenly within 6.  At the same time, the Masons have pulled to within 5 of Jimish.  Lou needs a Cruz TD to take the lead.  BG needs 10 yards and a TD to tie Jimish.  Giants have the ball at the Saints 18 and the defense commits a penalty.  Half the distance, and the Giants can only gain 9 yards.  The clock is ticking down inside 6 minutes.  Ware runs for 5 yards down to the Saints 4.  2^nd and goal.  Eli drops back… floats one into the corner of the end zone… and running underneath it for the TD grab is VICTOR CRUZ.  In 10 minutes of game time, Cruz has 5 for 100 and 2 TDs to give the Stanky Monkeys a 1 point lead.  I’ve never in my entire life seen a comeback like this.  The Masons are down by a point and only need 11 passing yards from Eli Manning to tie the game.

Here are the implications at this point.  If the Monkeys win, Janky Spanky, King and the Pylons all clinch spots.  And, if the Masons can just tie the game, he also would lock up a spot.  If TITTY wins, 5 teams will be playing for 4 spots in week 13.  5 minutes left in the game.  The Saints have a chance to run out the clock but get stuffed on 4^th down.  Giants have the ball back AGAIN with 2:40 to play. 

First play is a Manning completion to Ware for 5 yards.  Masons only need 6 more.  2^nd down… Manning fires to Cruz who doesn’t see the ball and snaps Eli’s 21 straight completions, narrowly missing an NFL record.  Eli fires on 3^rd down.  Incomplete.  A last ditch effort on 4^th down falls short and it looks like the game is over.  With a minute left in the game, the Saints are just trying to run out the clock and wouldn’t you know it… Mark Ingram rips off a 35 yard Touchdown run.  Kasay kicks the extra point to put Jimish back up by 2.  The Giants will have one last possession with a minute left. 

They are down 49-24, so naturally instead of just running out the clock, Coughlin has Eli come out throwing.  First play, hits Devin Thomas for 12 yards.  BG back down by 1.  Needs 14 yards to tie it.  Clock ticking down to 30 seconds.  ELI STILL THROWING.  He drops back and who does he remember is on his team? Fusco’s Hakeem Nicks.  While Victor Cruz racked up an improbable 27 points in the 4^th quarter, Nicks did not even receive a look until there were 30 seconds left.  A 3 yard catch by Nicks would have been worth 2 points and given Fusco a 1 point lead and victory.  And after all that has gone on in the 4^th quarter… All the drama in the EFFL on this night… Eli throws the ball at Nicks’ feet.  I can’t imagine what the reaction was in the Fusco household, but I’d be shocked if he can ever root for Eli again.  Stanky, Spanky, King and Pylons all breathe a huge sigh of relief.  At this point, Coughlin realizes the game is probably over, calls a run, and the clock runs out.  BG loss by 1 to Jimish.  Lou 1 point victory over Fusco.  I’ve truly never seen anything like it in over 10 years of fantasy football with 7 separate teams directly impacted by a last second play on a Monday night.  The worst part about the entire thing is that Fusco cut Victor Cruz, allowing Lou to claim him on waivers just a month ago.  Sad.

As far as the 2 $30 prizes… it looks like EEB will be the highest scoring team and the winner of that prize, barring something crazy.  Also, a Gnomes win or tie or a Luck loss or tie will win the Gnomes $30.  If the Gnomes lose and Lady Luck wins, they will split that prize.

So, after all of that, here is what the playoff standings look like.  3 teams are fighting for 1 spot.

* 1. Tequila Party Gnomes (9-3) – Despite snapping a 7 game winning streak, the Pylons loss locked up the #1 seed and first round bye for TPG.  Not having a meaningful game is big for this team especially with Peterson banged up.  Congrats to the Gnomes on their first ever bye.

* 2. Lady Luck (8-4) – The victory over FDS Monday night secured a playoff berth, but it wasn’t until the BG loss became official that this team clinched a bye and the #2 seed.  This could get interesting as Miles Austin and Ahmad Bradshaw could be back before Week 15.  Likewise, congratulations on securing a bye for the second year in a row.  This marks the first year that the Monkeys, Pylons, and King all have not earned a bye, which is remarkable.

* 3. Coach Janky Spanky (7-5) – The Stanky Monkeys win clinched a playoff spot for this team.  Split the season series with both the King and Pylons, so with a win in week 13 over league cupcake Gambino, should have the points tiebreaker over both and give this team the 3 seed. 

* 4. The King’s Crusaders (7-5) – Likewise, split the season series with the Pylons, so owns the tiebreaker due to points scored.  Really doesn’t matter at this point if the King and Pylons end up playing in round 1 which seed is which.  Can move up to 3, but most likely cannot fall to 6.  I’d expect this team to be in the 4-5 game at this point.

* 5. Dueling Pylons (7-5) – After the loss to the King, still locked up a playoff spot as well due to the Monkeys win.  Can move as high as 3, or can fall to 6 if they end up in a 3 way tie with the Masons and King, and the Masons outscore the King this week.  If the King wins, will not be lower than 5.  It’s strongly looking like a King-Pylons round 1 matchup.

I’m grouping the next 3 teams together because it is an interesting scenario right now.  One of these three will claim the last playoff spot and either be the 6 seed in the case of the Monkeys and TITTY, or potentially higher in the Masons.

6. The Stone Masons (6-6)

7. Stanky Monkeys (5-7)

8. Tweeting in the Trenches (5-7)

Despite currently being in 7^th due to tiebreaker over Fusco, Lou is actually in the worst position of all.  BG owns the tiebreaker over Lou, Lou owns the tiebreaker over Fusco, and Fusco owns the tiebreaker over BG.  What this means is that if there is a 2 way tie, the head to head will be sufficient to break that tie.  If there is a 3 way tie, we will go to total points.  As a result, the only way the Monkeys can get in is if there is a 3 way tie and he wins total points.  Today, BG has a 95 point lead on Lou and a 105 point lead on Fusco.

For Monkeys to get in (all must happen)

-         Need to win

-         Need TITTY to win

-         Need Masons to lose

-         Need to outscore Masons by 95 points

-         Need to not be outscored by TITTY by more than 10.

For TITTY to get in (all must happen)

-         Need to win

-         Need Masons to lose

-         Need Monkeys to lose OR need to outscore Masons by 105 AND Monkeys by 10.

For Masons to get in (any scenario will do it)

-         A win or tie

-         A TITTY loss or tie

-         A loss, TITTY win, Monkeys win, and not be outscored by 95 or 105 by Monkeys and TITTY respectively.

For the most part it looks like it will either be the Masons or Tweeting in the Trenches, but anything can happen.  Special thanks to Jimish for making week 13 more interesting as well as avoiding the league cellar.  Nick has officially locked up last place in the EFFL.  Good luck to everyone who is playing for something in Week 13.  I’m looking forward to the playoffs next week.

5 Spots Still In Play

We are down to the final two weeks of the season, and exactly one team has clinched.  But a couple others took big steps in week 11 to ensure their spot in the festivities.  Fortunes have changed vastly over the past month.  Fusco has lost 4 of 5.  EEB has lost 4 straight.  Over the past 4 weeks, Nick has won more games than these two combined.  The Stanky Monkeys are actually looking relevant, but it may be a little bit too late.  And the King escaped again with another victory, putting him in a great position with only 2 weeks left. 

If the playoffs started today, it would be King v Janky Spanky in round 1, which would probably be the greatest thing ever.  I gotta hand it to Chris.  He’s come up with the best quotes this year by far, and I’m more than happy to share them with you in the blog.  It’s not me ripping you this week EEB (yet).  In discussing the blog, I commented to Chris that I could not begin because the Monday night games had not yet been settled.  He responded “you could recap the team with the best RB depth to WR awfulness ratio in league history”.  A clear shot at Janky Spanky after numerous futile attempts to pry away Maurice Jones-Drew.

A couple housekeeping items before we move forward.  The trade deadline is TOMORROW, Wednesday November 23^rd.  Although ESPN lists 12 PM as the cutoff, I will give you until midnight tomorrow night.  If a deal or child is consummated in that time, I will make the manual adjustment on the website.  Also, as per league rules, any player added after week 12 (this week) cannot be kept next year.  You may still add players this week up until 1 PM Sunday, but just be aware that any player in a thanksgiving game will be locked on your roster after those games play, whether you use them or not.

Norv of the Week: Rex Ryan

I know many of you were looking for Mr. Brooking in this spot again, but this is an award for coaching ineptitude, not just flat out having a bad team.  First Rexy told a Patriots fan to “shut the fuck up” on camera.  He was subsequently fined $75,000.  While I agree that’s how Patriots fans should be treated, you have to expect this would get back to Lord Goodell.  Just makes no sense whatsoever.  Then came the underestimation of this man:

Rex’s team is known for their cockiness.  Some players misidentify this as swagger because they believe their team is actually good.  This is incorrect.  Revis Island couldn’t shut his yap all week about how brutal Tebow was, how the offense had no chance of working, and blah blah blah.  It’s one thing when a player says this because it happens all the time.  But Rex just allowed this to happen and basically gave the impression that he agreed with Revis.  It’s obvious how that worked out for him.  Stick to calf tats and foot fetishes Rex.  Leave the blatant disrespect to the fans and players.  Oh, Rex also said this week that he’s going down with the Sanchize.  Shouldn’t be too long.

As previously indicated, the blog will no longer show power rankings.  Only the playoff standings.  For some of you (EEB, Sam) this helps you.  As you’ll see below, it’s pretty much all about the TITTY.  Here is where we stand:

* 1. Tequila Party Gnomes (9-2)

After a 7^th straight victory, the Gnomes’ 9 wins are already a franchise record.  Moved even closer to locking up the Gnomes first ever bye.  This team will either be the #1 seed or the #3 seed.  Only the Pylons stand in the Gnomes way at this point.  A win/tie this week or a Pylons loss/tie will lock up the #1 spot for TPG.  A loss and Pylons win in week 12 means the Pylons and Gnomes week 13 contest will be for a first round bye.  When I reached out to the Gnomes for thoughts on this tremendous accomplishment, he told me the most important thing was avoiding embarrassment on the blog due to a loss to Gambino.  The man has his priorities in order.

2. Lady Luck (7-4)

This is gross.  Despite being 6^th in points scored and averaging only 92 points scored over the past 5 weeks, this team finally snapped a losing streak over equally hapless TITTY.  Now owning the tiebreaker over Fusco, as well as him being severely behind in points scored, this team is a virtual lock to make the playoffs.  Even moreso, a first round bye is a definite possibility.  Sam is in a very similar position to the Gnomes, but not as good.  A win and BG loss this week locks up a bye.  Any other result means the week 13 matchup between Lady Luck and The Stone Masons will be for a first round bye.  Can lock up a playoff spot through a number of scenarios, the easiest being win and in.

3. Dueling Pylons (7-4)

Although the Pylons have matched the Gnomes stride for stride, I’d find it a little difficult to argue that there is a team playing better than the Pylons right now.  This team has clowned opponents in the past 5 weeks, recording the league high score 3 times, and the 2^nd high score another.  The Pylons are on the brink of clinching a spot, but do not own the tiebreaker over TITTY.  Barring a scenario where they are in a head to head tiebreak for the final spot, the Pylons will be in.  Huge matchup this week against the King is a real statement game.  It would be difficult to imagine a team having a 7 game winning streak at any point in the season and missing the playoffs, but it’s still a possibility.  Win/tie or Fusco loss/tie will have the Pylons in for sure.  I'm back on board with white people...

4. Coach Janky Spanky (6-5)

Here’s where our 3 way tiebreak scenario comes into play.  Because none of the 3 teams tied owns a tiebreaker over both of the other two, we then move to points scored.  Despite EEB not showing up for the past 4 weeks, he still wins out here.  Both of the other two teams are not very far behind, so if this team does not perform in the final two weeks and the standings stay the same, this team could drop.  Now owner of the longest losing streak in this league, Janky Spanky may crumble if they suffer another defeat at the hands of the Gnomes.   A win and TITTY loss will have Janky Spanky dancing, but if they cannot get it done this week, Week 13 will be very, very interesting.

5. The King’s Crusaders (6-5)

After EEB occupied spot number 4, King and the Masons go back to a head to head tiebreaker, which the King owns.  This team was 3-5 and on the brink just a couple weeks ago.  Where 2 men and 1 woman have previously failed, the Pylons will attempt to go in week 12.  In pretty much the exact same boat as Janky Spanky.  Win and TITTY loss locks up a playoff spot.  Any other result means this team’s fate will be sealed in Week 13.  Faces arguably the two hottest teams in the final two weeks, so it will not be easy.  I can’t wait for some sort of explosion this week from a random player.  He’ll probably use Greg Little and have him score 3 TDs after not having one all season.  I’m still bitter about that Vincent Jackson Thursday night game last year.  I haven’t forgot.

6. The Stone Masons (6-5)

After being at the top of the power rankings for the entire year, the Masons suddenly find themselves in a little bit of trouble here.  The good news is that they hold a 100 point advantage over TITTY in points scored despite not having the head to head tiebreaker.  Ending up in a 3 way tie may actually benefit this team.  This team finishes with probably the best schedule you can hope for at this point.  Also owns head to head tiebreaker over Janky Spanky.  Win two and you’re in.  Win and TITTY loss also locks up a spot for this team.  I can’t see a team with this much talent not making it.

7. Tweeting in the Trenches (5-6)

What happened?!?!?  This team started off 4-2, and since then has just totally gone in the tank.  Huge game in week 12 will pretty much define this team’s season.  A loss to the Stanky Monkeys will drop this team to 8^th, and basically put this team in a massive hole.  There is even the possibility of elimination.  Has tiebreaker over Masons and Pylons, but with a loss this week that probably will not matter.  Lost to Lou 158-135 in week 12 last year, which basically knocked this team out of the playoffs.  A repeat performance would be devastating.

8. Stanky Monkeys (4-7)

This team is not out of it yet, and believe it or not has a straight path to a playoff berth.  First of all, the Monkeys stayed alive with a drubbing of an EEB team in a tailspin.  This team MUST win its final 2 games to have a shot.  Secondly, this team probably will not be able to pass either the Masons or Janky Spanky under any scenario.  They’re too far back in points and don’t own head to head over either.  This leaves only one team for the Monkeys to pass… The King’s Crusaders. 

This team needs to end up in some sort of tiebreak scenario with the King to have a shot.  In reality, this is not all that farfetched.  Odds are the Masons are going to win at least one of their last two games versus Sam and Jimish.  EEB gets Gambino in week 13, which any real playoff team should be able to handle.  So, if the Pylons beat the King this week and the Monkeys can defeat TITTY, we could be looking at a play-in game between the Monkeys and King in week 13.  Under that scenario, what Fusco does in week 13 will be irrelevant because Lou would own the tiebreaker over both.  I will certainly try my best to make sure this happens.

x 9. Animals With Eyepatches (3-8)

When Dwayne Bowe could not mount the comeback in week 11, it sealed the Eyepatches fate for the 2011 season.  It was a disappointing end to a promising season filled with underachievement.  I really thought leaving the draft you had a pretty impressive squad, and I know some people were peeved when you took players they wanted.  Greg Jennings injuring himself at a crucial time was just the tip of the iceberg.  At least you beat up on Nick and Sam, which is some consolation.  Can certainly play the role of spoiler down the stretch.

x 10. First Down Syndrome (2-9)

Came so close to pulling out a win over a streaking TPG, but as usual this team failed to put up a big week.  This team has only reached the 120 point barrier 11 times over the past 4 seasons.  This is a new low in uselessness.  This team’s picks, in order were: Shonn Greene, Lee Evans, Plaxico Burress, Braylon Edwards, Packers D, Jay Cutler, Marshawn Lynch, Mike Sims-Walker, Ronnie Brown, Chris Cooley, Matt Bryant, LaDainian Tomlinson.  This is like a list of players that nobody in their right mind would want.  This season was doomed before it began.  The one silver lining is that Anquan Boldin is a potential keeper, which already puts you ahead of last year.  Beat EEB in week 13… Please.  I need him to suffer more.

That’s all for now, and I am thoroughly looking forward to week 12.  There are some huge games across the board.  I hope you all enjoy your Thanksgiving and look forward to any further banter.

Gnomes Host Exclusive Party

While a significant portion of the league is in a severe battle for a playoff spot, TPG sits at the top of the standings preparing to spend the $30 prize for league best record.  A stiff 83 point test from Lady Luck ensured that the winning streak continued.  But we stand at a severe, severe crossroads in the standings.  I have never seen such a bunch of teams with so few weeks to play.  Usually there's at least 2 or 3 teams that look to have a spot locked up with 3 games to play but that is not the case.  It looks like 6 teams will be fighting for 5 playoff spots.  Who will be left out?  We all hope it will be a Woody but it will most likely be me.  Now, that doesn't mean the bottom three teams are out of it, but there is a massive mountain to get over.

The trade deadline is quickly approaching.  You must complete all deals by next Wednesday night as I will not be rigging the ESPN system to accommodate another Woody to Woody deal.  Let’s also discuss tiebreakers, because at this point we may end up seeing a six-way tie.  Before any tie for a playoff spot is broken, the division winners are crowned.

Once the top two seeds are settled, the remaining teams are then thrown into the wild card pool.  If it is simply a two way tie, head to head is the first tiebreaker followed by most total points scored in the regular season.  If it is more than two teams, however, things get a little trickier.  If one team owns the tiebreaker over all other tied teams, they are then ranked first.  If not, most total points are used to determine the highest ranked team.  Once a team is chosen from the wild card pool, revert back to the beginning sans Dennis Green to determine the next team.  Seems pretty straightforward.

Norv of the Week: Eric Brooking

This is the first non-NFL affiliated recipient.  Mike Smith would have been the obvious selection, so I needed to get more creative here.  I’m sure this selection will bring about much rage, but trust me it is well deserved.  Benching the Bears defense in favor of a 49ers squad proved to be a pivotal blunder, and I may even argue blunder of the year.  When I presented this possibility to Mr. Brooking, he consulted his dictionary to tell me I was using the word blunder wrong.  I was told that blunder meant “stupid mistake”… I find it hard to argue that I was using it incorrectly.

Some statistical systems would have easily identified that the Niners D is mediocre at best against respectable quarterbacks.  Even more advanced systems would have identified that the Bears D has scored almost 15 points per game at home over the past year and a half.  THE BEARS ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!!! AND YOU LET HIM OFF THE HOOK!!!! Again, a failed attempt at defeating a Woody squad from an EFFL youngster.  This is the statistical foresight I thought Mr. Brooking possessed.  Clearly, I made a blunder.

This will be the final strictly power rankings for the 2011 season.  There is no playoff preview because basically nothing can be determined in week 11 with 6 teams within a game of each other.  Teams barely moved in week 10:

* 1. Tequila Party Gnomes (8-2) – Last week: 2

The Gnomes take over the top spot after completing a 6 game winning streak over the hapless Luck.  And, after careful calculation, it has been determined that the Gnomes have officially locked up a playoff spot, so congratulations.  This team has talent up and down the lineup which is living up to its potential.  The Gnomes can even lock up a bye in week 11.  The Gnomes have actually never won more than 8 games in a season, including playoffs, so this has been a historic year.  I look forward to a potentially meaningless week 13 matchup.

2. The Stone Masons (6-4) – Last week: 1

The Masons drop from the top spot for the second time this season.  The last time I did this, the result was a 179 point explosion.  Probably not the best time to do it considering I’ll be dealt the brunt of this blow.  The FJax/Shady/Tron trio is the best in the league so this team is always a threat to be at the top.  The complementary pieces need to step up though so that this team is not left stunned in a down week.  Could easily be #1, but faces a critical matchup in week 11.

3. Dueling Pylons (6-4) – Last week: 3

The Pylons have earned their place near the top of the rankings with impressive performances over the last month.  They have matched the Gnomes stride for stride with a W6 and have been the highest scoring team in the league over the course of that streak.  If only the league could have started at week 5.  Still, they are only one game ahead of missing the playoffs and with the two best players on a bye in week 11, in addition to multiple injuries, things could get interesting.

4. Coach Janky Spanky (6-4) – Last week: 4

I’ve given you the benefit of the doubt here despite not showing me anything for the past few weeks.  Yes, even Gambino has scored more than you over the past 3 weeks.  I still see the potential here, but complaining about Matt Forte’s 19 touches will not get you anywhere with the ranker.  No Brees and no Graham in week 11 could prove to be a problem.  Is it conceivable to think that the highest scoring team in the league may miss the playoffs two years in a row?

5. The King’s Crusaders (5-5) – Last week: 5

Managed to escape with a victory Monday night.  Thankfully the Packers didn’t bench Rodgers earlier than they did.  I’m still torn on this team because there are so many underachievers, yet the waiver wire has been extremely kind to the King this year.  I know you have been itching for a blog for awhile, but I have nothing to say about your team that you don’t already know.  This is a week to week adventure, and I’m really not sure if this team can string together enough wins to make a championship run.  Needs a win desperately in week 11 to keep pace or must face elimination at the hands of the Pylons in week 12.

6. Tweeting in the Trenches (5-5) – Last week: 6

This team is pretty much here by default.  Barely got a win over the Masons, but it was a big one.  Fusco still is searching for his first playoff berth and must dispose of Lady Luck in week 11.  This team is right up there with the Masons and Gnomes in terms of potential, but unlike them, has rarely achieved it.  I’m pulling for you, but I think it’s time you get your act together, stop decorating, and focus on fantasy football.  Take that sack back and get a handful of TITTY.

7. Stanky Monkeys (3-7) – Last week: 7

I used to be happy that the Monkeys were down and out, but now I’m just starting to feel bad.  Nobody should have to deal with losing their top 3 draft picks for a significant portion of the season.  Finally put together a good week and ran into the red hot Pylons.  Sorry about that.  Believe it or not, the Pylons actually went a period of 4 years without defeating the Monkeys, but that is ancient history at this point.  The tables have turned, and the Monkeys will be on the outside looking in with a loss and either King or Titty win.  At least with keepers, we know the Stanky Panthers will be back next year.

Perhaps the quote of the year was received from the King this week: “3-7 Monkeys.  Nasty.  I don’t care just want to make the playoffs myself.  Although if I had to spend time watching the playoffs from my couch, I’d want the Monkeys sitting next to me”.  I forgot how intense that rivalry was.

8. Animals With Eyepatches (3-7) – Last week: 8

Unfortunately could not take down league cupcake FDS, and is now most likely headed for the chopping block.  I have purchased two first class seats for the Eyepatches and Monkeys on a boat home.  You joined me at 0-4 this year, but the turnaround just didn’t happen.  Front office backlash hampered this team this year, as the starters were routinely incorrectly chosen.  I do beg of you, do what the “men” before you could not.  Defeat Chris, and do the league a service.  I know it happens rarely, but it can be done.  Burger King has canceled that clown in a bathrobe.  Cancel the King’s season as well.

9. Lady Luck (6-4) – Last week: 9

This team is hanging on by a thread to avoid being in the bottom spot.  After a 4^th consecutive loss, this team could miss the playoffs despite starting 6-0.  I didn’t think this was actually possible, but it may come to fruition.  This team needs at least two, perhaps three, waiver wire additions to even field a team this week v TITTY.  I don’t know how you put yourself in that position, but to make matters worse QB Matt Schaub is lost for the season.  If this team makes the playoffs, I’d say there was some small miracle.  The NFL says Suck for Luck… I say Luck for Suck.

10. First Down Syndrome (2-8) – Last week: 10

It only took until just about Thanksgiving, but this team finally has its second win.  This team has only scored 115+ a total of one time all season.  Brutally bad.  I will say in all seriousness that I have missed Gambino’s smack talk this season.  When his team is competitive, he brings some of the most useless, yet hilarious, banter.  I look forward to next season when I can hear about which scrubs he’s on that year.  Desperately clinging on to hope of a five way tie for the 6^th playoff spot, but I don’t think it’s meant to be.

Week 11 matchups:

The Stone Masons (6-4) v Dueling Pylons (6-4)

Tequila Party Gnomes (8-2) v First Down Syndrome (2-8)

The King’s Crusaders (5-5) v Animals With Eyepatches (3-7)

Lady Luck (6-4) v Tweeting in the Trenches (5-5)

And the game of the week…

Coach Janky Spanky (6-4) v Stanky Monkeys (3-7)

This is the last chance for the Monkeys to get the job done.  And what better way to do that than with a matchup against EEB.  I don’t know if he’d be able to stomach an L4 of TPG, Pylons, King, Monkeys.  We may never hear from him again.  I think there is some serious concern and doubt, especially with the Saints on a bye.  I know Lou wants this game badly, and I think he will do whatever is necessary.  I hope Michael Bush can put on a similar performance in EEB’s grill.  And with AJ Green and Maclin dealing with injuries, the time is right to strike.  Kicking a man when he is down is never good sportsmanship, but if it puts EEB and Chris in a battle for a playoff spot, nothing would make me happier.  Let’s go Monkeys.

If Google decides to delete this blog I am going to stab.  This is the second time I have written this, and I will not do it again.  I’m ready for week 11.

Classic Hubris

It took awhile to track down the Sarcone/Gambino tandem.  But spotted across the lot was a personalized Eagles jersey with "Sarcone 3" on the back.  There we were... face to face.  The scene was near a port o potty on the outskirts of the Linc.  Nick and I both were wearing white Mike Vick jerseys.  He couldn't stop talking about how awesome his 2-7 team was... How he was going to come all the way back to make the playoffs.  How it would be the most talked about season in EFFL history.  There was only one problem.  His team was not 2-7.  After a huge Monday night comeback, the Masons downed FDS and pushed him to the brink with a record of 1-8.  5-8 surely will not be good enough to get into the playoffs, but FDS is not mathematically eliminated yet.  That should happen this week.  Both of you were talking all kinds of shit through me, which I thought was hilarious.

As we all are well aware, Chris Fusco missed a golden opportunity, and I can't say I'm all that surprised.  The King was a heavy, heavy favorite coming into the game and nothing happened to sway the result.  A Vincent Jackson explosion set the tone.  Also, a huge comeback from TPG to take down the Stanky Monkeys.  Monkeys kicker Stephen Gostkowski missed a 27 yard field goal, which had he made it, would have given Lou a 1 point victory.  Heartbreaking.

A couple points of note:

- Blogger has notified me that the EFFL blog now has over 1400 page hits.  Whoever uses Google Chrome, you're on the blog an extraordinarily large number of times.  I'm glad you enjoy my writing.

- We have our first (really second) Thursday night game this week.  From now til the end of the season there are Thursday night games every week.  Obviously, if you want to use a player in that game he must be in your lineup at that time.  The deadline remains the same as it is every week to add/drop players... Sunday 1 PM.  Just something to keep an eye out for.

Norv of the Week: Andy Reid

Yes, we have a repeat offender.  Nominations came in for Shanahan again, but he could not take down the fat man.  A week after looking like a genius against the lowly Cowboys, Andy was back to his old tricks.  Eagles down 3, 10 minutes left in the game, facing a 4th and 6 from the Bears 40, a tough decision was in his hands.  Do you A, punt and play the field position game knowing you're only down a field goal, or do you B, go for it and risk giving them the ball with a short field?  If you guessed answer C, fake punt with Chaz Henry attempting to throw to Colt Anderson you'd be correct.

What the fuck Andy?  Of all the times to reach into your goody bag for a snack, this was not the right call.  I don't care what newspaper guru or incessant blogger will disagree, this was an ass-face call.  If you want to take a shot, bring Vick onto the field.  I can honestly say this is the first time I've ever seen a fake punt from the opponent's side of the 50.  The defense is playing for a fair catch.  They won't be running full speed away from the snap.  It's just an awful, awful time to try a fake because there's simply not enough room.  I didn't see post game because I was stuck in the parking lot til 1 AM, but I guarantee when reporters asked Andy why he chose that call there, his response was "I thought we could make it".  Asshole.


This is the last week of strictly power rankings.  Next week will start with the playoff preview, but I will still include a power ranking for your pleasure.

Power rankings after week 9:

1. The Stone Masons (6-3) - Last week: 1

The Masons stay atop the rankings with a huge come from behind victory over the league scrub.  At 6-3, looking very good to make the playoffs, and is back in position for a 1st round bye.  No Tron, No Lions D, no problem.  I was looking at the Masons lineup today and noticed that the starters are averaging 150 fantasy points per week.  That's damn good.  This still is the team to beat in my mind.

2. Tequila Party Gnomes (7-2) - Last week: 2

TPG is on a roll baby.  That's 5 wins in a row and now in sole possession of first place in the EFFL.  Looking very tough right now after a huge win without Peterson.  This team is positioned nicely to finish strong.  2 games against cupcakes in the next two weeks means TPG is on the verge of locking up a playoff spot.  Can actually clinch this week with a win, Woody loss, and Fusco loss.  Chugging a celebratory vanilla stout after the Gnomes and Pylons both officially with W5 was the highlight of my weekend.

3. Dueling Pylons (5-4) - Last week: 4

I went back and forth with whether the Pylons or Janky Spanky should be here, but facts are facts.  The Pylons just defeated Janky Spanky despite being a 45 point underdog according to some all-knowing fantasy sites.  The Pylons have now won 5 straight games, which ties for the best in the league.  So why not?  This team is playing as good as any right now.  Vick/Foster/Sproles is getting it done week in and week out.

4. Coach Janky Spanky (6-3) - Last week: 3

Lost the head to head matchup with the Pylons so dropped a spot in the rankings.  Seems fair.  ESPN had this team projected to score 191 points in week 9.  Seriously.  Everyone scored in double digits, but nobody really had a big game.  Narrowly avoided being embarrassed even more by the Pylons due to some bogus penalty calls.  I think at this time, #4 is probably appropriate for this team, and has a huge matchup in week 10 against a hungry Woody squad.

5. The King's Crusaders (4-5) - Last week: 8

I'll admit, last week's ranking was a little bogus.  I was all fired up after an Eagles win and saw this team being pushed to the brink and I wanted to rattle him a little bit.  I even considered ranking this team below Jimish just to light a fire, but I couldn't justify it.  If you think Woody is serious about fantasy football, you haven't seen anything yet.  I set a line with Matt of how many times "King moved" would appear on the transaction log.  The over/under was 50.  I kid you not.  Here is a screenshot:

If you took the under, you won... Barely.  Conflicting reports were emerging from ESPN Insider and Rotoworld which complicated things slightly.  Antonio Brown also threatened to file a grievance with the NFLPA after being benched so many times without probable cause.  Still managed to pull out a win, and I'm still a little skeptical, but nobody below is playing any better right now.

6. Tweeting In The Trenches (4-5) - Last week: 5

Damn son.  I'm disappointed in you.  Not like you really had any chance at all this week, but at least thought you would put up a bigger fight.  This team is not playing well at all, and if the season ended today would be on the outside looking in for the third straight season.  I really thought this team had more to give, but it's a totally different story.  It's a lot more difficult to win when Wes Welker isn't scoring 50 points.  I actually did some analysis on the great start Welker had.  If Welker stopped playing after Week 4, he'd currently be the 5th highest scoring WR.  Remarkable.  As Welker goes, so does TITTY.  It's not a smart move to hang your hat on.

7. Stanky Monkeys (3-6) - Last week: 7

Could have really used a win over TPG last week and now at 3-6 has some serious work to do to get back into it.  Having the Pylons on the schedule at this point in the season is not a welcome sight.  I must say that despite playing Fusco, the King had all kinds of smack to talk about classic rival "Stanky Panthers" as he put it.  He went on to say how terrible this team was and how he couldn't believe this team had 3 wins after drafting Hillis and Burleson.  I personally think this team could cause some damage, but I sure would like at this point for a response.  Things are getting a bit chippy on the blog.  This team's top 3 draft picks are all injured and the 4th was Nate Burleson.

8. Animals With Eyepatches (3-6) - Last week: 9

Got a big win over Lady Luck and stayed alive in the hunt.  Only a game back with 4 games to play, so this team definitely still has a shot and gets FDS in week 10.  The running back play, however, has been severely disappointing.  I was shocked to see today just how bad Rashard Mendenhall has been this year.  He's probably a bigger bust than anyone.  The Bowe/Jennings combo is real nice, and with some help from the surrounding pieces, might be able to overcome the deficit.  Also, a personal apology to Jimish for not making your show Saturday night.  I had planned on it all week and at the last minute couldn't make it.  Hope you guys are back up in the NY area again soon.

9. Lady Luck (6-3) - Last week: 6

Don't let the record fool you.  This team is garbage.  Has the luck finally run out for the "lady?"  I just can't believe that this team somehow started off 6-0.  A 3 game losing streak has quickly brought this team back to earth, and without a win soon, what once looked like a playoff lock could be on shaky ground.  Another injury to Miles Austin certainly isn't helping things.  Facing red hot TPG may cause some serious concern.  Please, do not cave and trade with your brother at the trading deadline.  I don't care how much turkey he offers you.

10. First Down Syndrome (1-8) - Last week: 10

9 weeks through the season, and this team has been in last place in the rankings all 9 weeks.  Seemed so certain Monday night that he would take down powerhouse BG, but it wasn't meant to be.  I really don't see any way this team would be able to make the playoffs at 5-8, but I guess there's a small, small chance somewhere.  Will officially be eliminated with a loss and either Fusco or Woody win.  Facing a hungry Jimish team, this is very likely in week 10.  The offers will be flooding in for Larry Fitzgerald no doubt.


Week 10 matchups:

First Down Syndrome (1-8) v Animals With Eyepatches (3-6)
Tweeting in the Trenches (4-5) v The Stone Masons (6-3)
Tequila Party Gnomes (7-2) v Lady Luck (6-3)
Dueling Pylons (5-4) v Stanky Monkeys (3-6)... This game barely lost out on game of the week

and the game of the week...

The King's Crusaders (4-5) v Coach Janky Spanky (6-3)

A true match of wits.  I was notified today that despite ESPN standard projecting Janky Spanky to score over 170 this week, ESPN insider gave the King a 92.6% chance to win.  Hilariousness on all counts.  I know that these two have a serious rivalry, and this matchup could not come at a more critical time.  Both of these teams want to win this game bad, and despite being in a much better position this week, a loss for King could be a serious blow.  This is going to be the highest scoring game of the week I believe, and I sadly hope that EEB is the victor.  It's the first time I think I've ever said that.  This is going to be a good one, and I look forward to the trash talk that will fly this week.


I'm glad to be your outlet for trash talk, and I thoroughly enjoy passing along every piece of it through a public forum.  The standings are so close right now that I'm all fired up about this league.  Andy got me off the Eagles short bus real quick.  It's all about the EFFL.  Good luck in week 10.

Rob Ryan Needs a Haircut

I can’t even begin to state my excitement for football right now.  The Eagles have not lost a game in almost a month.  The Pylons have not lost a game in a month.  And despite drinking heavily again for a Sunday night game, I actually made it into work Monday morning.  Tremendous accomplishments on all fronts.  What a total ass whooping of Rob Ryan’s fat ass.  At least Andy is just totally round.  Rob has a gigantic gut that is clearly nothing but a beer belly.  His quotes made my Monday.  "Andy Reid was reading my mail" HAHAHAH.  Outstanding tweet of the week: “Nice moment of sportsmanship when Rob Ryan handed Andy Reid that congratulatory McRib sandwich at midfield.”

The EFFL playoff picture has gotten very, very interesting.  Only 3 games separate 1^st place from 8^th place.  The league’s top two seeds both fell in Week 8, and it appears that very little will be decided before the end of the season.  The Stanky Monkeys pretty much picked a team up off the waiver wire and still dismantled the King.  Only one word comes to mind when I think of the King at this point.  Panic.  He wanted to add and drop running backs so the Monkeys could not get one.  He wanted to rent Tim Tebow for a week.  With 5 weeks to play, the King is staring playoff elimination in the face.  More on that later.

How about TPG?  The Gnomes haven’t showed much flash, but have quietly put together a nice 4 game winning streak.  It’s amazing what a healthy Steven Jackson can do.  Any time you can defeat EEB, it’s a big win.  Props to The Stone Masons on a monster win.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen BG this fired up over a fantasy win. 

Back in 2008, when the league still had 8 teams, a pathetic Samuel Woody squad went 1-12.  It was the worst record in EFFL history.  In 13 games, the team scored more than 115 points exactly one time.  It was the infamous Brett Favre Jets game in which Kurt Warner attempted to decapitate Anquan Boldin and almost succeeded.  I remember it vividly.  Brett Favre threw for 6 TDs, 3 of which went to Laveraneus Coles.  The result was 174 fantasy points, which is the most ever scored by a Woody.  The unfortunate victim that day was BG.  He finished tied for 6^th that season and missed the playoffs on a tiebreaker.  No doubt he has been plotting his revenge for over 3 years, waiting for the opportune time to unleash the fury.  The time was Sunday, when a team on a 3 game losing streak needed to win to stay alive in the hunt for the bye.  The 179 points were a career high, and also the 4^th highest total in EFFL history.  I’m jealous at not being able to feel how sweet this victory must taste.  Adding the Lions defense dominating Tebow was just a cherry on top.

Norv of the Week: John Fox

First of all, everyone needs to read this if they have not already: http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2011/10/the-inner-torment-of-john-fox.html

Also, http://tebowing.com is amazing.  It is no doubt going to be the next planking.

This was before Tebow got absolutely rocked as his team went down 45-3.  Tebow gave the Lions 2 TDs.  After fans put up billboards demanding the use of Tebow, just two weeks later the local media has declared him the worst quarterback in the NFL.  He’s awful.  He lacks everything it takes to be an NFL quarterback, but John Fox has decided that it must be Tebow.  He’s supposed to be the head coach, not a puppet like Wade Phillips was.  But that’s what he’s been reduced to.  He’s not a real coach.

As a proud Tebow owner, I love the garbage time fantasy points that are absolutely useless in real life.  I’m just stunned that people actually think that Tebow is the man.  It’s really not John Fox’s fault that the Broncos and Jesus chose Tebow.  Players drafted after Tebow: Rob Gronkowski, Aaron Hernandez, Devin McCourty, Jahvid Best, Jerry Hughes, Mike Williams, Sean Lee, among many, many others.  It should be fun to watch the implosion on a weekly basis.  Articles keep pouring in by the hour to hate on Tebow and I have to say, I love it.

Power Rankings have some shifting this week:

1. The Stone Masons (5-3) – Last week: 2

I’m sorry!  Ok?  I’m sorry.  I really didn’t mean to drop you in the rankings.  I overreacted to a week full of byes and panicked.  Regardless of record, this is the team to beat in the league.  The Masons have the top 2 running backs and the top receiver in the league.  The explosion all over Lady Luck has catapulted this team back to the top.  It’s unfortunate that FDS is now square in the way of this steamrolling truck.  A Lions bye in week 9 may be rough, but will be at full strength going forward.

2. Tequila Party Gnomes (6-2) – Last week: 3

Huge win for TPG in Week 8.  Taking down the former #1 and taking over the division lead as well is a big statement.  I really think that Steven Jackson may end up being the difference this season.  With Crabtree and healthy Julio Jones, this team might wind up being the favorite before all is said and done.  Brady has actually looked human the past couple weeks, but make no mistake, this team is right there.  If I were a TPG front office member, I’d be feeling good right now.  The remaining schedule doesn’t seem too bad.

3. Coach Janky Spanky (6-2) – Last week: 1

The reign atop the rankings was short lived.  Bitten by byes in week 8, Janky was dealt his first loss since week 1.  I think this team is right there in talent with the Masons and TPG, and I expect a quick rebound and dismantling of the Pylons next week.  I think what has become obvious here is that when the Brees to Graham combo fails, so does this team.  The Saints do not have the easiest remaining schedule, but this team seems to be in pretty good shape to end up in the playoffs.

4. Dueling Pylons (4-4) – Last week: 5

Believe it.  The Pylons are back.  In case you weren’t counting, that’s now four wins in a row.  Vick, Foster, Sproles looks like a legitimate force and the surrounding pieces are decent enough that this team is comfortable in this spot.  The Pylons have not won 5 in a row since the 08 season and face a tall task in week 9.  One thing to note is that Foster and Sproles have not yet had their bye, and they will both see it in week 11, which is a critical time.  There’s definitely a gap between the top three and the next group of teams, but the Pylons seem to be in a pretty decent spot for a playoff position.

5. Tweeting in the Trenches (4-4) – Last week: 4

I hit a crossroads with this ranking.  On one hand, this team was really good for the first part of the season and still has a good amount of talent.  On the other, this team was publicly shamed and lost to the worst team ever assembled in the EFFL.  I decided in the end not to penalize this team more, because Stafford, Gore, Nicks, Marshall, Welker is better than any team below can boast.  Shame about the TE fiasco with Gresham being deactivated right before game time.  I think this team will be back before you know it.

6. Lady Luck (6-2) – Last week: 6

Huge game from Ray Rice couldn’t overcome the deficiencies by the rest of the team.  Was not joking by any means when I said weeks ago that there is only one good player on this team.  I don’t see this team being a serious threat at this point, but the 6-2 record certainly looks nice.  Can avenge the defeat of BG in week 13, and that game may even be for a first round bye.

7. Stanky Monkeys (3-5) – Last week: 8

Despite injuries and bye weeks, managed to pull off a much needed victory over the King.  Newton, McFadden, Hillis, Andre Johnson, Steve Smith is solid once healthy.  This team has faced much adversity and is still alive.  I must also commend the pickup of Bengals D, which Woody cut in hopes of playing the matchup game.  I wouldn’t be surprised if this team was renamed the brittle hamstrings.  I still can’t believe Fusco cut Victuh Cruz.  The transaction log indicates this occurred at 10:21 AM, Friday October 21st.  Based on my calculation, he was still drunk at this juncture.  Could be a fatal mistake.  Snapping a 5 game skid was necessary and I couldn’t be happier who it was against.

8. The King’s Crusaders (3-5) – Last week: 7

This team is fading.  A loser in 3 of 4, King is now in serious danger of falling too far behind.  Stubbornness is not paying off in the least as top draft picks DeSean, Jermichael and Vjax are serious busts.  Still inserting players randomly to the tune of 20 points, but that fiddle is about to get snapped in half over a knee.  700 miles away, I can sense the panic from this squad.  This last loss must conjure up memories of Kyle Boller.  Will meet the Monkeys again in week 13, but at that point it may be too late.  Could this team miss the playoffs for the first time ever?

9. Animals With Eyepatches (2-6) – Last week: 9

Really could have used a win in week 8.  2 games out of a playoff spot with 5 to play is not an enviable position to be in.  Meets Fusco in week 13 so could play in if it gets closer but things are not looking good.  Too many draft picks just have not panned out, and the waiver wire has not been too kind either.  Remaining schedule does not seem too difficult, but this team needs to win immediately to have a shot.  Counting on Tony Romo to get his act together, however, is a horse of a different color.

10. First Down Syndrome (1-7) – Last week: 10

A win for this team means absolutely nothing in the rankings.  This is still the worst team in the league, and I guess kept some playoff hope alive here.  Still, the best this team can do is 6-7, and even that may not be good enough.  I think got drunk and picked up the Bills D based on the transaction log.  Perhaps that’s a step in the right direction… Picking drunk instead of sober.  Got a gift with awful managerial decisions from Fusco.  May be eliminated from contention with a week 9 loss.

Week 9 matchups:

Coach Janky Spanky (6-2) v Dueling Pylons (4-4)

Lady Luck (6-2) v Animals With Eyepatches (2-6)

The Stone Masons (5-3) v First Down Syndrome (1-7)

Tequila Party Gnomes (6-2) v Stanky Monkeys (3-5)

And the game of the century…

Tweeting in the Trenches (4-4) v The King’s Crusaders (3-5)

On. The. Ropes.  If there was any phrase that could properly describe Chris Woody right now, that would be it.  He may pretend that he’s cool, calm and collected, but it’s far from the truth.  If he loses this game, he will be at least two games behind both TITTY and the Pylons, without having the tiebreaker over either.  This would mean he is essentially 3 games back with 4 to play.

The onus is on you Mr. Fusco.  After being publicly embarrassed by FDS, redemption is staring you right in the face.  You’ve never made the playoffs.  Chris has never missed them.  If you win this game, you may go down in EFFL lore as one of the biggest victors of all time.  Your grandkids will be talking about this win in 2064 when the EFFL is in its historic 60^th season.  You owe it to all of us to win this one and virtually knock Chris out of the playoffs.  If you fail to achieve this task you've been handed, the EFFL may be forced to search for a more suitable owner.  The last time these teams met, Fusco dropped 182 points in a rout.  Do not be fooled by his trade offers or reverse psychology.  He may waive the white flag on Thursday, but remind him that games are played on Sunday.  The odds may be stacked against you, but let’s go TITTY.

How Times Have Changed

The EFFL landscape is significantly different than it was just 3 weeks ago.  The Pylons were 0-4.  The Stone Masons were 4-0.  All was right in the world.  Since then, the standings in the EFFL have turned upside down.  The Pylons are looking stronger and stronger each week.  Week 7 marked by far the best performance of the season and a resurgence by last year's #1 fantasy player Arian Foster.  Total domination.  The only contact from Gambino the entire day was one text message.  It read "fuck you".  I gotta admit, I was smiling for awhile.  The fantasy gods finally got their check in the mail and turned fortune in favor of the classiest organization in the league.  I was slandered all day Saturday and told by TPG that the Pylons were a joke, and he did not hate any team more.  Fine!  Good!  Nobody wants in on this right now.

The bye weeks certainly took their toll as TITTY and the Masons each were reeling without their full stable of horses.  As usual Woody picks up half his team off the waiver wire and they explode.  But the game of the week belonged to the Eyepatches-Monkeys.  The Stanky Monkeys are on the ropes folks.  Now owners of a 5 game losing streak, victory was snatched from his hands when the Saints put up 62 points on the hapless Colts.  John Kasay was the hero for Jimish putting up a remarkable 15 points to give the Eyepatches the victory.  His season may have been saved with this performance.  The standings are certainly much more close now, which just reminds us how quickly things can change over the course of a season.  I'm fired up.

All in all it was a pretty uneventful week around the league.  Donkey Kong Suh made fun of an injured Matt Ryan which was cool.  On to the coaching moron:

Norv of the week: Mike Munchak

It's blatantly obvious at this point that the man has no clue how to properly use Chris Johnson.  I get it.  You're a rookie head coach.  But 10 carries?  Really?  This is the 4th time in 6 games this season that Johnson has received 14 or fewer carries.  What the hell is the man supposed to do with that few touches.  Matt Hasselbeck got cut by the Seahawks!  He's washed up and everyone knows it.  Hasselbeck averaged 3.5 yards per pass attempt.  I just can't for the life of me fathom why you will not give CJ the ball.  Johnson came out and said "I'm just doing what they're asking me to do".  Get him outside in space.  Give him a chance to use his speed.  Teams are aware that without the speed Johnson is just an average back, so you need to exploit it.  The Titans are going to fade quickly, I guarantee it.

I'm more interested in fantasy football than the real NFL this week.  Eagles, Giants, Patriots, Bills all on a bye... it was a nice relaxing Sunday finally.

1. Coach Janky Spanky (6-1) - Last week: 2

We finally have a new team in the top spot of the power rankings and it's well deserved.  This team continues to put points on a board at a very high rate.  The Lil Breesy-Graham combo has been deadly.  I could go without Cris Collinsworth giving everybody Jimmy Graham's well documented life story for 20 minutes which everybody already knew about.  Add Forte, Roddy White, Maclin and the emerging AJ Green, and you have the team that deserves to be at the top.  I'm sure you'll be ecstatic.

2. The Stone Masons (4-3) - Last week: 1

The Masons were severely hurt by the bye week, which I was afraid of.  The loss was enough to drop the Masons out of the top spot, but this team still has tons of potential.  It's also not your fault that anyone Chris adds automatically does well.  It was refreshing however to see the use of Derrick Mason, which I'm sure got you fired up.  The 3 game losing streak is a bit worrisome, but I'm sure there will be an immediate turnaround when back at full strength.

3. Tequila Party Gnomes (5-2) - Last week: 4

Don't look now but the Gnomes are on quite a roll.  An earlier loss to the King hampered TPG, but they have rebounded nicely and cruised to victory despite not having Brady.  This team dealt with a number of injuries early in the season, but as they get through the byes and get healthy, the Gnomes are definitely legit.  At this point looking like the only guy that can catch Janky Spanky for a first round bye.  Peterson is a monster.

4. Tweeting In The Trenches (4-3) - Last week: 3

Wow, what a lineup in week 7.  Maurice Morris, Kevin Walter, and two Browns.  Never really had a shot, which is understandable, but barely fielded a lineup.  The entire bulk of the team was on a bye so what we saw is obviously not representative of the true strength of this team.  Needs to be careful not to fall into the pack that is pushing at the bottom of the standings to creep into the playoffs.  Here's a picture of TITTY attempting to intimidate the Gnomes in week 7:

5. Dueling Pylons (3-4) - Last week: 6

The Pylons are back baby.  Foster, Sproles, Dez all dominated and all of this with Vick, VD and Gronkowski on a bye.  This team has won 3 straight, put up the high score in week 7, and looks very strong right now.  Currently in possession of the #6 seed, this team could creep into the top half of the league soon.  It was a huge relief to avoid a league shaming, and to do it in such a big way gave extra satisfaction.  Could get back to .500 after an 0-4 star and eventually do the unthinkable of making the playoffs.  Pylons highlight of the week was after the Broncos recovered an onside kick, Tim Tebow stopping to praise Jesus, who recovered the fumble for him to get another shot to win it.

6. Lady Luck (6-1) - Last week: 5

After a big start, finally took their first loss of the season at the hands of Janky Spanky.  A commendable start which will go a long way towards making the playoffs.  I think what we saw this week is more of what this team is really made of.  It's a whole different ballgame when your kicker doesn't put up 30 points.  I think Lady Luck will be in the playoffs when all is said and done, but I don't think this team really scares anyone at this point.  It is what it is.  Good luck or bad.

7. The King's Crusaders (3-4) - Last week: 7

Impressive week 7 total helped to beat up on a shorthanded team, but you will not see this kind of performance every week.  DeMarco Murray, Fred Davis, the kicker, and defense put up 86 points.  Disgusting.  I think this team is actually thinner than it appears, and I wouldn't be shocked to see some mediocre weeks ahead.  Packers bye week next week certainly won't help, and if the playoffs started today would be on the outside looking in.  I'm skeptical at this point.

8. Animals With Eyepatches (2-5) - Last week: 9

Got a much needed win with a bit of luck, but a win is a win.  Facing a red hot Pylons team next week may be too tall of a task, but Jimish gave himself the opportunity to play his way back into the mix.  Santonio Holmes and Delicious Mendenhall appear to be major busts, which is unfortunate.  The loss of Tim Hightower will now hurt even more.  The Eyepatches will need to be active on the waiver wire to stay in it.

9. Stanky Monkeys (2-5) - Last week: 8

What an awful, awful way to lose in Week 7.  Losing both starting running backs to injury in the first quarter and then losing a WR as well is painful.  Having a kicker score 15 to beat you by 3 is even worse.  5 losses in a row, and the Monkeys are in serious danger right now.  Without the tiebreaker against the Pylons or King, effectively needs to pass two teams that are two games ahead in the final 6 weeks.  With a thinned out roster, things are not looking good.  Week 8 is really a must win game.  This could be a historic season with the Monkeys and King on the outside looking in.  I will say that I know for a fact that Lou is devastated.  He's not even using the nasty line this year, just keeps taking the blows on the chin.  I'm starting to feel a little bad.  But not really.

10. First Down Syndrome (0-7) - Last week: 10

No wins.  Lowest scoring team.  Blown out by the lowly Pylons.  To add insult to injury, Marshawn Lynch was scratched pregame and Pete Carroll didn't think it was necessary to let anybody know.  I don't have anything positive to say about this team.  There's no hope.  Should be out of the playoff picture by week 10 the latest.  I'd start trying to sell pieces for keepers.  Just not to Woody.  He's a schemer.  Seriously, don't trade with him.  You too Sam.


Week 8 matchups:

Tequila Party Gnomes (5-2) v Coach Janky Spanky (6-1)... great game to look forward to
Dueling Pylons (3-4) v Animals With Eyepatches (2-5)
Tweeting In The Trenches (4-3) v First Down Syndrome (0-7)
Lady Luck (6-1) v The Stone Masons (4-3)

and the game of the week...

The King's Crusaders (3-4) v Stanky Monkeys (2-5)

This is a massive, massive game for both teams.  If the Stanky Monkeys do not take this game, they may as well kiss the season goodbye.  The hill would be almost impossible to climb and too many teams ahead just won't allow it.  Not having tiebreakers is a big problem as well.  Meanwhile, the King is desperately trying to get back to .500 and really needs to keep pace with the Pylons for the final spot.  Historically, these two teams have the two best winning percentages in the league.  They have 4 of the 6 championships between them.  But both are at a crossroads and are facing the possibility of not making the playoffs.  I expect both teams to pull out all the stops to win this one.  If Andre Johnson can get back, it would be a major boost.  I'm really looking forward to this one.  I like the Monkeys in a close one.  It should come down to Monday night.


Hope everyone enjoyed their weekend and the games in week 7.  I also hope everyone enjoys the new blog layout.  It was due for a change.