Eat Up #10mode

It's a little old, but it's appropriate given the feast that's gonna go down this week. There's nothing like football on Thanksgiving. I embark on a yearly tradition of getting absolutely obliterated and not remembering that there's now night football. I know I'm not alone. And even better, it's Thanksgivikkuh. Or something like that. Happy Chanukah to the Jews.

Apparently my beef of the week went over quite well last week. People hate Mayock. I'm gonna keep this theme going and pick on some more TV personalities.

Beef of the Week: Al Michaels

He's an old guy. I understand. It's like Pat Summerall when he worked with Madden. You kinda feel bad for him, but at the same time, you just wonder what NBC is thinking. For whatever reason, he just can't pronounce normal words that others can. It's not New Or-Lee-Ins. That's not the name.

Here are a couple words: Man. Sad. These two words do not rhyme. Yet add an "ing" to the end of these words, and somehow the pronunciation of "Manning" changes. The "man" in that word does not rhyme with sad. It's wrong. That's not the right way to pronounce it. You know how I know it's not the right way to pronounce it? THEY HAVE PEYTON MANNING SAYING HIS OWN NAME IN THE PLAYER INTROS!!! Why is he pronouncing it in his own way? It drives me NUTS!

It's amazing that NBC lets its employee blatantly and intentionally do his job wrong. Must be nice.

We're down to one final week in the regular season. We have one playoff spot available in each league. Who will claim it?

League 1

They're in

y - 1. Team Toliver (9-3): I can't fault you for a bad week. You have a bye locked up, and you're resting your starters. But there has to be a little bit of concern in your mind after a poor performance. It's not gonna get any warmer in Denver. I'm still not convinced your team is past the Julio injury, but Harry Douglas has performed admirably. It really doesn't matter if you're the 1 or the 2 seed. We'll have an idea of who your potential opponents can be next week.

y - 2. Tweeting in the Trenches (9-3): Nice job beating up on a vulnerable team. You've clinched a first round bye (son of a bitch), and you're in the same boat as Yashar. There's really nothing to be gained or lost by being #1 or #2, but I guess avoiding the King would be helpful. This is arguably the best team right now, and if I had a pick, I'd reluctantly have to choose TITTY.

x - 3. The King's Crusaders (7-5): You didn't mess around, got the job done, and now you're in the playoffs. Still no idea who you're going to play, but you're in the wild card round as expected. You own the tiebreaker over the Pylons, but don't over the Hogs. If you win, you'll be the 3 seed. If you lose, you could potentially end up at #6. I don't think you'll be intimidated by your opponent whoever it is.

x - 4. Geno 911 (6-5-1): Clinched a playoff spot by virtue of the Hogs taking out Lady Luck, but this team is not looking strong right now. Could a 3rd matchup with the Pylons be on deck? Can still finish anywhere between 3 and 6. By far the lowest scoring playoff team no matter what happens in week 13. Doesn't look like tiebreakers will come into effect here. But like the other wild card teams, your playoff opponent will not be known til after Week 13.

x - 5. Dueling Pylons (5-5-2): The only team below the Pylons at this point that can pass them is the Hogs, and as a result, the Pylons are headed back to the playoffs. It appears setting up a weaker squad for Geno 911 instead of a weaker Week 11 squad worked out very well. The Pylons have the tiebreaker over the Hogs, Stanky Monkeys, and Lady Luck, which certainly would come into play if they are all tied. This team is 5-2-1 in its last 8. That's nothing to sneeze at.

The star crossed lovers from District 12. Only one can survive. The other will be killed by poisonous berries.

6. Threeing the Hogs (6-6): Got the huge win over Lady Luck, and now controls his own destiny. Obviously with a win in week 13 will clinch a playoff spot. With a loss, however, things become much more interesting. You've defeated the Stanky Monkeys twice, which means that if Sam loses to him, you also clinch. If you lose and Sam wins, since you've split the season series, total points scored come into play. You're extremely close right now. I could've told you at the draft that it would be down to you two for one spot.

7. Lady Luck (5-7): At this point there's only one way into the playoffs for you. You need to win, have Mike Young lose, and finish ahead on total points for the season. That's it. After a 5-2 start, this team has lost 5 in a row, and appears very much headed for the relegation ladder. I warned weeks ago that this team was ripe for a fall in the standings, and sure enough, it's happened. You also cannot finish higher than the #6 seed.

Relllllegate good ttimes, come on!

x - 8. Stanky Monkeys (5-7): I thought you were still in it until I looked a little closer. The only teams you can finish level with are the Pylons and Hogs. Unfortunately, the Pylons own tiebreakers over both teams, so they would finish first in a 3 way tie. That would leave you and the Hogs, and he also owns the tiebreaker over you. The only way you wouldn't end up behind on tiebreakers would be a 3 way tie with the Hogs and Lady Luck. That would require both of you to win in Week 13, but you play each other, so that is not possible.

I'm sorry to see you go after such a strong run. Started 0-5 and came out of nowhere to get back into this thing. This marks the 3rd season in a row in which you've missed the playoffs. The nastyness is no longer. You'll play either Matt or Darryl in the first relegation battle Week 14.

x - 9. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-8-1): Finally put out of your misery. Even a win couldn't have saved your season. But I think you saw this coming. You've been preparing for the relegation ladder since like Week 4. I hope you've prepared accordingly. Your opponent in Week 14 is still TBD, but you cannot play Darryl. It will be one of Lou, Sam or Mike Y.

x - 10. RGIII for President (3-9): There was nothing you could have done to get back into the race. It's been a struggle for the 2nd half of the season, and now you may be headed back to your original League 2. Likewise, you cannot play Matt in Week 14, and have the same 3 potential opponents. We'll see how it turns out next week.

League 2

y - 1. Darkest Norseman (9-3): As indicated last week, your win clinches a first round bye. You'll next play a meaningful game in Week 15. Hopefully you avoid injury in the meantime. You can't finish worse than 2nd, but as I've said previously, there's really no difference between #1 and #2. This was a long time coming, and I think an Excel line graph was exactly what your team needed to turn it around. Also, stop using Case Keenum.

x - 2. Bo$$town Beasts (9-3): Didn't really have an opponent in Week 12, so that worked out nicely. Sam keeps winning behind you so you still haven't locked up a first round bye. A win or a loss from him clinches a bye for you. If you lose and he wins, he'll get the bye. Nice to see a battle, as there's not one currently in League 1. You're certainly still a favorite, and you can't finish any worse than #3.

x - 3. Game On Dick Bag (8-4): Winners of 7 of 8, this is arguably the hottest team across both leagues. Still an outside shot at a bye, but the teams ahead of you keep winning. That doesn't allow much potential. You also can't finish any worse than #3 and cannot reach #1. What that means is that you'll most likely have to play one of the teams ahead of you should you advance to Week 15. This is gonna be a good battle.

x - 4. Super Mario Brothers (5-6-1): Well, you've certainly backed your way into the playoffs. But the Street Pigeons didn't show up, so you're in. And even more, your Week 14 opponent is already known. You'll face EEB Ventura who you've only played once... and tied. It'll certainly be an interesting matchup.

x - 5. EEB Ventura (5-6-1): I can pretty much say the exact same thing I wrote for Elliott. And this couldn't be more perfect. Your team is terrible, and it's gonna be a very interesting matchup with Elliott. With the chance to return to League 1, you'll have the opportunity to knock out the team you didn't want in the league. It would be the ultimate culmination if he knocked you out of the playoffs and kept you in League 2 for another year. Prepare accordingly. Your week 13 matchup is meaningless.

6. Street Pigeons (4-8): Scored a league low 57 points in Week 12 yet is STILL in playoff position. I apparently completely screwed up the blog, as I'm just now realizing I forgot to adjust your blurb following your comeback victory. Unfortunately, you play the #1 team in Week 13, so that will be a huge challenge. But you can get in with a loss if Ben loses. Amazing. Your team has been decimated by injuries, so I'm not sure how a playoff appearance would go.

7. Jersey Leshoure (4-8): That nice 9 game winning streak you went on Sunday clearly did not carry over to fantasy football. And what do you know? Just like Meech, you play a team tied for 1st in Week 13. You do have an outside chance if you lose in Week 13, but you'll need help from your cigar buddy behind you. You can get in with a win and a Pigeons loss. Or, if you both lose and Tatz wins, you can advance if you finish first among you 3 in points. Should be a wild week 13.

8. Team Meat Collage (3-9): The Collage is somehow, some way still kicking. The Pigeons lost and you took out Ben, which is what you needed. You're gonna finish ahead of Mike in points, but you need to catch Ben to get in. You need to win, have both Ben and Mike lose, and make up about 80 points on Ben. It's gonna be tough, but you're not dead yet. If you make the playoffs, it will be one of the most ridiculous results I've ever seen. I look forward to watching football with you on Sunday.

Best of luck to everyone in Week 13. This is gonna be a wild one as there are 3 Thursday games, plus the Sunday night game and the Monday night game. Finally the bye weeks are over, which is a huge relief to everyone involved. I can't wait to see what happens and write the playoff previews.

Hope everyone has a nice Thanksgiving. Eat Up. #10mode

Came Up, That's All Me

Things are coming down to the wire as usual. With 2 weeks remaining, only 5 of the 12 available playoff spots have been clinched. And to make matters even more complicated, not a single team has been eliminated yet. That's truly unbelievable. It was a good week of football, so I'm just gonna head straight into the beef. There's nothing better than going face first into beef.

Beef of the Week: Mike Mayock

This guy is such an easy target and has won the award before, but I just can't take the guy. All he does is rip off combine stats. That's it. A guy makes a great play, and here's the typical commentary:

Nessler: And what a play! Williams bursts into the backfield and.

Mayock: You know, Brad! I saw this guy at the combine out of North Texas and he just impressed the heck out of me. He ran the 3 cone drill in 4.27 seconds and benched 21.4 reps. He broad jumped 10'2! That's the 4th best mark ever for a defensive end, and I really think he's gonna be a big player in this lig. As a matter of fact, I remember his 3rd cousin out of San Antonio State, and even HE broad jumped 10 feet. His cousin Lamar Williams ran the shuttle in 5.4 and had a 37.2 inch vertical. Tremendous athlete. Tremendous. Great player in this lig.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?

It's like 3 plays later when he finally comes up for air and you've missed something that actually is relevant to the game. It's supposed to be color commentator and analyst. Not color commentator and combine regurgitator. It's fucking impossible to watch a Thursday night game.

Imagine me, an analyst, just coming to my boss with random numbers I memorized. "Hey, boss. The claims file came in at 9:22:43, just a couple seconds after last week. There were 24562 lines, which is only 1427 more than last week, which came in at 9:02:15. That's the 4th earliest we've ever received a file." I would get slapped for being such a jackass. And that would be by myself. NFL Network needs a change in a big way. They need to dip into the European pool and pick up Ray Hudson. Here are some of his Messi highlights.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9TQaxme_Sug

Could you imagine Hudson on a Thursday night? "Andrew Luck with a magesterial pass into the waiting arms of Coby Fleener! Pure genius from the Stanford duo. They've been doing it since they were wee lads!" That's what the NFL needs. I'd watch every Thursday.

*** LEAGUE ALERT ***

Trade deadline is Wednesday at noon.

Any player added after this week CANNOT BE KEPT. Prepare accordingly.

League 1

Some interesting happenings here. So many teams are bottled up, but a couple seem to be pulling away from the pack. Nobody is out yet, but a couple teams are on their last legs.

y - 1. Team Toliver (9-2): Another week and another dominant victory for Yashar. He didn't even need Peyton this week. And who else would carry him other than Bills D. Before deferring to Auto-pick at the draft, Yashar's final words were "I need my Bills". You're the only one that can do it successfully. The win locked up a first round bye, and you hold the tiebreaker over Fusco. That means one win or one Fusco loss will clinch the #1 seed for the 2nd year in a row. Congratulations.

x - 2. Tweeting in the Trenches (8-3): I really did not realize that this team's record was this good, but he's now won 5 of 6 and certainly can smell a repeat. All I've heard from Fusco for the last month is "repeat" and "trophy". I'm sick of it. One win or one Woody loss will lock up the other first round bye, as he does hold the tiebreaker over you. Grabbing the #1 seed may be tough, but that's OK at this point. There's really no difference between either of the top 2 seeds.

3. Geno 911 (6-4-1): This is as embarrassing as embarrassing gets. You haven't officially clinched yet, but unless Lady Luck / Threeing the Hogs ends in a tie, you will clinch in Week 12. You may think I'm being harsh, but you're the 3rd lowest scoring team. You've scored a total of 589 points in the last 6 weeks. But it looks like you'll be in despite this. If you succumb to the Pylons, you'll be at risk of facing them yet again in the wild card round.

4. The King's Crusaders (6-5): Pretty straightforward win and in situation. Can't officially clinch with a loss, but 6 wins may eventually be enough. Holds tiebreaker over Pylons, but that's more likely to come into play in regards to seeding than anything. There's still a very small outside possibility of a first round bye, but it's looking pretty likely that you'll be in the wild card round. It should be clearer after Week 12 who your opponent will be.

5. Dueling Pylons (4-5-2): I can't believe it either, but it's true. Holds tiebreaker over both Threeing the Hogs and Lady Luck, so the Pylons occupy the 5th spot. Given that those two teams face each other in Week 12, as long as those teams do not tie, the Pylons only need 1 victory in the final two weeks to clinch a playoff spot. It's taken this team 11 weeks to finally reach a playoff spot after an 0-3-1 start, and I'm sure they'll blow this tremendous opportunity to clinch against Gambino. The Pylons also own the tiebreaker over TPG and the Stanky Monkeys, so this team is in great shape for now.

6. Lady Luck (5-6): Owns tiebreaker over Threeing the Hogs, and can put them on ice in Week 12. A win and a Stanky Monkeys loss should be enough to get into the playoffs for you as you would be a game up on the Hogs with the tiebreaker. Conversely, a loss in Week 12 is serious bad news. Your playoffs in all likelihood start this week. Riding an L4 is not the way you want to head into your most important matchup to date.

7. Threeing the Hogs (5-6): The bad news is the 2 teams you're tied with own the tiebreakers over you. The good news is that if you win in Week 12, it may not matter in the end. You do own the tiebreaker over the Stanky Monkeys, so that could go a long way. But make no mistake about it, a loss this week puts you in deep, deep doo-doo. A loss, Pylons win, and King win eliminates you. Truly on the edge. Everyone will be keeping an eye on your match against Sam.

8. Stanky Monkeys (4-7): Halfway around the world and just couldn't get the job done against the Pylons. I ripped open a beer and chugged it after our game went final. Sorry. You're actually not in terrible shape, but you definitely need some help. Also, you can't lose anymore. You don't have tiebreakers over the Pylons and Hogs, but you can pull even with Sam and pass her and the Hogs in points. You really do need her to beat Mike next week, and then you need two wins. Two Pylons losses could also do the trick. Just don't lose.

9. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-7-1): Still kicking. But sadly, unless Sam and Mike Y tie, you need the Pylons to lose out. Both the Pylons and Gnomes cannot mathematically reach the playoffs. :(

To get in, you have to win your final 2, have the Pylons lose their final 2, have the loser of Sam/Mike Y also lose in Week 13, and have the Stanky Monkeys lose 1 of 2. It's a longshot, but it's doable. At least you didn't let Woody knock you out.

10. RGIII for President (3-8): It's looking like the beginning of the end. You have one hope and one hope only. Win 2 games, have the Pylons lose 2 games, have the loser of Sam/Mike Y also lose in Week 13, have the Stanky Monkeys lose 1 of 2, have TPG lose 1 of 2, and pass all the teams you're tied with in points. I won't rule you out officially, but you need to make up almost 200 points in 2 weeks just to even have a fighting chance. It's time to prepare for the relegation ladder.

League 2

Things are starting to break up a little in this league. That tends to happen when 6 of 8 make the playoffs. But at the top it's certainly getting a little tighter.

x - 1. Darkest Norseman (8-3): The winning streak is finally over, and it was an incredible run. Despite being in first place, here's a chart of your points scored per week:

That's a bad trend. Turn it around, son! You got too complacent with your position. The season ain't over yet. But you do own tiebreakers over Cutter and Sam, which means unless you lose 2, Sam wins 2, and Cutter wins 1, you'll have a bye. One more win clinches a first round bye for you.

x - 2. Bo$$town Beasts (8-3): Made quick work of the Tatz, and I can't say I'm surprised. Poor guy checked his phone at 1:30 to see the score and it was just "Antonio Brown has 24 points." followed by a sad face. As I indicated last week, you had the easiest final 3 week schedule of all teams. Dosh owns the tiebreaker over you, and you own the tiebreaker over Sam, so unless you lose 2 and Sam wins 2, you'll have a first round bye.

x - 3. Game on Dick Bag (7-4): It looks like we may have another contender for the League 2 crown, and it's been a long time coming for this team to break out. People were scoring points like crazy on you, and once that finally calms down, things start to look a little better. You've officially clinched a playoff spot, but you both teams ahead of you own the tiebreaker over you. Unless you win 2 and one of them loses 2, you'll be in the wild card round.

4. Super Mario Brothers (5-5-1): I wouldn't count on your opponent starting Case Keenum every week. Classic hubris. But you got a huge win for the first time since Week 6. I feel the same way about your roster as I do about EEB's, which is probably the reason why you both have had pretty much the exact same season and the exact same points scored. It's not bad, but I think it'll be tough to challenge for a title. We shall see.

5. EEB Ventura (5-5-1): Your goal of splitting the season series with every other team is a noble one. You tied Elliott and now barely trail him in points on the season. It may not matter, as there's a very real chance you guys play each other in the playoffs. Mark these words to describe your team: "Extraordinarily Mediocre". You can't be confident with that roster. You just can't be. Lost in hilarious fashion to Meech, and I love it. What a boss.

6. Jersey Leshoure (4-7): I'm surprised you haven't given up on anything that involves wagering money yet. Every time it looks like there's a light at the end of the tunnel, it's another step backwards. If you've even read any of this blog I'll be surprised. And the worst part was that you actually had a good game this week. Thankfully, the league rules are in your favor as 6 teams make the playoffs. Why not go 4-9, squeak into the playoffs, then go on a run. This roster certainly has potential.

7. Street Pigeons (4-7): Man was I pulling for you. Lowly EEB threw you a softball only scoring 98 points, and you completely whiffed. I realize your entire roster was deemed inactive, but that's no excuse to fall to EEB. The good news is that Ben keeps losing and you own the tiebreaker over him, so you just need to make up one game in the final two weeks to claim the last spot. It's certainly doable.

8. Team Meat Collage (2-9): Needs to make up 2 games on Ben to stay alive, and thankfully you play him in Week 12. Obviously a loss eliminates you. Your straight up tiebreaker over Meech won't come into play at all, but you do need him to lose both games as well. To get in at 4-9 you need 2 wins, Ben to lose in Week 13 to Cutty, Meech to lose both games, and overtake Ben in points. It's looking like yet another year in League 2 for the Tatz. Sorry.

Well that's quite the write-up if I may say so. Only 2 weeks left. It's still weird to me that Week 12 isn't Thanksgiving, but that should make for an even more exciting Turkey Day. Also, why are there STILL bye weeks? It's almost December.

Good luck to everyone in Week 12. I look forward to writing next week's blog, good or bad.

Tony Romo is Terrible

Just stating a fact. This now marks 5 games in a row where Tony Romo has failed to average 7 yards per passing attempt. That's somehow worse than Eli. The guy is truly all smoke and mirrors, and is the shining example of how guys who put up decent stats may not mean much. Romo is absolutely petrified of throwing an interception, and he'll take a 19 yard intentional grounding penalty before risking a fumble or pick. That's a standard Cowboys drive. Run for 1 yard, sack/intentional grounding for -19 yards, completion for 13 yards, punt. And Romo? He's 1 for 1 with a 13 yard completion. Great stats.

Year after year, the strategy of "throw it to your best player" goes by the wayside. Can you imagine if the Lions were 0-9 and Stafford kept slinging the ball to Kris Durham and Joseph Fauria while Tron just had his hand down his shorts? INSANE! Well Tatz, I hope after leaving the bar that you and Howie found that nice big TV to watch your Cowboys on. I'm sure you can't get enough.

As I write this, in advance of the Monday night game, the Jets would actually be in the playoffs. Only one word comes to mind: unfathomable.

Beef of the Week: Monday Night Football

What has happened to our glorious Monday night football? I really think the NFL hates ESPN and just puts the absolute worst games possible on Monday night. Earlier this season we had the worst game in the history of the league between the Vikings and Giants. Now Bucs v. Dolphins. It just gets worse and worse every single week. Next's week's game is somewhat decent, but Patriots v. Panthers is so random. I really used to like having fantasy players go Monday night, but it has just gotten to be so bad that I'd rather just get it over with on Sunday. The NFL needs to get their act together.

The WORST part is that Gruden isn't looking for a head coaching position anymore. He used to kiss everyone's ass hoping not to say anything bad about any organization. Now? He simply points out on a week-to-week basis that awful teams are awful. I'm complaining as much as you Jon, but trust me in that nobody wants to hear me whine. They feel the same way about you.


I also have not forgotten about the high score prize, despite not mentioning it that frequently. Amazingly, the 2nd, 3rd and 4th highest scoring teams have yet to have the high score in a week. Winners thus far:

Week 1: Chris Woody / Yashar Toliver
Week 2: Darryl Hazelwood
Week 3: Adam Cutter
Week 4: Elliott Miller
Week 5: Adam Cutter
Week 6: Chris Woody
Week 7: Sam Woody
Week 8: Lou Sarcone / Ben Lobitz
Week 9: Brandon Riff
Week 10: Eric Brooking


*** League Notes ***

Trade Deadline: Wednesday, November 20th at noon. This is next week. I know usually we have EEB getting drunk on Thanksgiving Eve and selling his soul, but unfortunately the league decided Week 13 would be Thanksgiving this year. Our deadline is still Week 12.

Keepers: Same rule as always. Anyone added after the start of Week 12 CANNOT BE KEPT.


League 1

We have our first playoff team, and there are more lined up right behind. TPG and RGIII have been put on notice for the Relegation Ladder. While giving up may seem like an option, let me remind you of the reaction last season to relegation:

"Although we lost today, we will all be winners in August watching EEB draft in League 2" - Chris Woody
"At least a Woody can't win" - Eric Brooking
"He's out!!!!!!!!!" - Matt Atallian
"I don't want EEB" - Adam Tatz

You don't want to be involved with that.

* 1. Team Toliver (8-2): In his first season in League 1, Yashar has made quick work of the competition and secured a playoff berth. 8-2 is a very impressive record, and now that Peyton Manning is through his bye, it's all systems go. Whole team did pretty terrible sans Manning and Sproles, but that's been the formula for success. The pickup of Ben Tate looks great now that Foster is out for the year. That's a nice card to have in your hand. Can clinch a first round bye in week 11.

2. Tweeting in the Trenches (7-3): Not officially in, but he's in. At worst can end up in a 5 way tie at 7-6, but is so far ahead on points that it won't be a problem. Really got challenged with 85 from Sam. I'm being harsh, but there's no real reason. I get texts every week demanding a repeat champion. I don't want that. Nobody wants that. But there just aren't that many true contenders. The league may need to rely on Yashar.

3. The King's Crusaders (6-4): A win would have been huge, but it's not the end of the world. Still multiple games ahead of the 7th place team with only 3 to play. Can lock up a playoff spot in Week 11 with a win and some help. The stat line would have looked even uglier if not for the miraculous AJ Green catch, but it should be easy to move on from this one given the strong playoff stature. Has the privilege of being able to put TPG out of his misery in Week 11.

4. Geno 911 (5-4-1): Could have been worse. Getting a tie actually bumps Geno into 4th place. In a matchup marred with terrible coaching decisions on both sides, a tie is actually fitting. If not for Demaryius, this team would have been piss poor. Has the weakest remaining schedule in the league, so missing the playoffs would be a complete embarrassment at this point. The rematch with the Pylons in Week 12 is big.

5. Lady Luck (5-5): This team is plummeting like a rock. Losers of 3 straight, there's little reason to believe this team will have a complete revelation. Man I would've loved Welker to show up, but it was not meant to be. Yashar is playing for a bye so he'll surely be looking to make quick work of this team. There's a lot of heat from behind, so this team must be careful.

6. Threeing the Hogs (5-5): Can't believe this team is in it, but I guess there's not really anyone else who has done anything. You arguably have one of the most difficult remaining schedules, but you and Sam could be playing for one playoff spot in week 12. Imagine if Darryl had just checked his lineup and used RGIII instead of having to use Eli. You should certainly be feeling a little lucky right now.

7. Dueling Pylons (3-5-2): What kind of record is this? It ends up being the same as 4-6, which puts the Pylons squarely a game out of the playoffs. Missed a golden opportunity in Week 11, as there could have been 3 5-5 teams with the Pylons only a half game back. Now dead even with the Stanky Monkeys, and the loser of the Week 11 matchup could very well be out of the playoffs. With bye weeks still looming, the Pylons could be in trouble.

8. Stanky Monkeys (4-6): It's been a battle to dig out of an 0-5 hole, but Lou has certainly done an impressive job. Only a game out of a playoff spot with 3 to go, so there is plenty of opportunity. Calvin Johnson has 112 fantasy points... in his last 3 games. I've never seen anything like it. At the same time, Drew Brees has been unconscious. This team has a head of steam, and I wouldn't wanna play them right now. Thankfully, I get to play them right now.

9. RGIII for President (3-7): Got caught asleep at the wheel and completely burned by failing to use RGIII. Very unfortunate and certainly not League 1 material. It would be a shock at this point to not see Darryl back in the relegation ladder. The Aaron Rodgers injury definitely messed you up, and it's going to hurt going forward. There's a lot to overcome. You can be eliminated in Week 11 with a loss and some other unfavorable results.

10. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-7-1): There's no sugar coating it anymore. TPG is on life support. The best this team can do is 5-7-1. TPG needs absolutely every result the rest of the way to go his way to get in. Any slip up eliminates the Gnomes and sends them into the relegation ladder. It's an unfortunate turn of events for a storied EFFL franchise, but this has been brewing for awhile. Prepare for Week 14, or get sent to sleep in the attic with Fuller.


League 2

Not much development in League 2. It's starting to look more and more like it'll be Meech and Tatz missing the playoffs. Week 11 should see some more teams lock up a playoff spot.

* 1. Darkest Norseman (8-2): An 8 game winning streak is certainly the most impressive feat across both leagues. Plays a pretty weak final 3, so it's conceivable this team rips off 11 straight heading into the playoffs. This team needs to win just one of the final 3 games to clinch a first round bye. As it stands, 8 may be enough to get the job done. Dosh informed me at this point he's just picking up players to block other teams.

* 2. Bo$$town Beasts (7-3): Couldn't knock off Dosh yet again, but I'm sure there will be time for revenge. Still in decent shape for a first round bye, but it's not looking as strong as it once was. Plays the bottom 3 in the league over the final 3 weeks, so anything less than a bye must be considered a disappointment. It's hard to believe Peyton will allow that.

3. Game on Dick Bag (6-4): Not officially in yet, but on the verge of clinching. A win or Street Pige loss will lock up a spot. This is actually one of the hottest teams in the league. Winning 5 of 6 is a run that will have you in the playoffs. I think this team has a legitimate shot to take down one of the top teams.

4. EEB Ventura (5-4-1): I think in League 1, you'd be down looking at relegation again. I do love, however, that you refuse to acknowledge that the AFC exists. In all honesty, it would be a complete shock if you were somehow to miss the playoffs. You can clinch with a win or a Meech loss. You should be safely in the wild card round.

5. Super Mario Brothers (4-5-1): Of all the teams who can slip up and drop out of the playoffs, I think this one is the most likely. After a nice 4-2 start, this team has gone winless in 4 straight. The remaining schedule looks pretty imposing, and if Tatz somehow is able to make a last gasp effort, you could be playing for the final spot in week 13. Any win at this point is going to be big. A win and Meech loss clinches a playoff spot.

6. Jersey Leshoure (4-6): When Cam Newton has a bad game, this team doesn't look as scary. But there's still Tron, and that's going to be big. Replace Kenny Stills and Terrance Williams with Gronk and Josh Gordon, and I think you have some serious potential. Getting a game up on the Street Pigeons was important since he holds the tie breaker over you. You control your own destiny.

7. Street Pigeons (3-7): One step forward, and one giant step back. Starting an injured McFadden was a curious strategy, and unfortunately it did not pay off. It may be that the entire Atallian family has given up on fantasy football. Losing Rodgers, Foster, and Cobb is enough to seal any team's fate. That's 3 of your top 4 picks. Not officially out, but you're on thin ice.

8. Team Meat Collage (2-8): In last place and lost to EEB. I certainly don't need to pile on. Even Demaryius going off wasn't enough to help you. Entrusted the team to Tony Romo and Mike Wallace. It's safe to say this placing is not unexpected. Will be eliminated with a loss and Ben win. There's no time left to lose.


There are only 3 weeks remaining in the regular season. After next week, it might be time to start looking at some playoff matchups. Things are still wide open in both leagues. Good luck.

I'm Not a Star

Somebody lied. Looks like Sunshine has taken some lessons from Uncle Rico, as young Napoleon Foles couldn't miss on Sunday. It was great to see flashes of brilliance. If only the Eagles could keep it together, there's some serious potential. But boy was that fun. You have to believe the NFC is wide open. Seattle can be had, San Fran is going to have to get it done on the road, and that's pretty much it. Green Bay's defense isn't anything special. The one dark horse could be Carolina. Great defense, very solid QB play, and a 4 game winning streak.

On a side note, next week's Monday night game is Dolphins-Bucs. If anyone in either league is starting a player in that game, the league mandates that you must send a hand-written apology letter to your opponent. It just ain't right to make them pay attention to that atrocity.

*** I'm planning on starting a league wide Google Hangout Sunday at 1 PM and hopefully continuing for the rest of the season. It would be great to have live video smack talk with everyone in one location. I'll send a link in email later this week. Hopefully people are interested. If I forget and you do not hear from me, send me a reminder.

Beef of the Week: Local TV coverage

Being in the New York market is the absolute worst. Somebody is always at home, so there's always some gap in coverage due to NFL blackout rules. This makes me so mad. All I want to do is upstage the NFL. "You wanna black me out? Fine, I bet I black out before you do NFL". And I drink myself into Bolivian. If you guys have never seen it before, the website 506sports.com is awesome. Some dude color codes a map so you can see exactly which games are on TV.

As you can see, because the Jets played at home, I had to miss Chiefs-Bills while the rest of the northeast got to enjoy the Western Kentucky Hilltopper lead the Chiefs to a 9-0 record. The only game on was Saints-Jets. I was then treated to Patriots-Steelers, which nobody that's not a Steelers or Patriots fan wants to watch. You may be reading this and laughing at me for not turning on Red Zone. I did. I watched Red Zone, but still. If I want to watch a full game, I get absolute garbage. The whole structure is insane. I truly blame the NFL for the drunk driving epidemic. If MADD wants to truly cut down on drunk driving, they should be going after Goodell. People shouldn't be forced to head to a bar to watch a real football game.


As I indicated last week, the power rankings are no more. It's getting close to playoff time, so we'll need to look at some scenarios.

League 1

8 wins is the magic number to clinch a playoff spot this year. It may end up being 7, and I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case.

1. Team Toliver (7-2): Got a pretty big win against a hapless TPG. At 7-2, this team is a virtual lock to make the playoffs. The schedule isn't too forgiving, but as stated above, just 1 win officially locks up a playoff spot. Will be interesting to see if this team has what it takes to hold on to one of the byes. One win over The King puts this team in a great spot.

2. The King's Crusaders (6-3): I'm pretty sure Chris closed his eyes and picked up a team off the waiver wire. And nobody was surprised that this tactic completely dismantled Geno 911. I received about 15 texts asking how Nick can look himself in the mirror after losing to this team, but the fact remains, this team was still probably better than what Geno 911 put out there. Some big games coming up against Yashar, as at least one of these two should definitely grab a bye spot.

3. Tweeting in the Trenches (6-3): When Andre Johnson drops 50 points, you're probably going to win. Shockingly, cut Nick Foles just before gametime Sunday. Had he used just used Foles instead of trading for Andy Dalton, would've put up 221 points. Also had Zac Stacy with 35 and Aaron Dobson with 30 on the bench. With the roster Sunday morning and proper coaching, could've maxed out at 263 points. Seriously. This team will be in the playoffs. Pylons are hoping they rest their starters in week 13.

4. Geno 911 (5-4): This is completely shocking and the only way this team would ever rank this high. Got called out on the blog, got disrespected by Chris Woody, and still couldn't even muster anything respectable. "I'm glad you ranked me #10, it inspires my team". No, actually it's justified. Heading into Monday night, the starters and bench combined for 74 points. Going on 5 straight weeks without breaking 120 points. Perhaps instead of a crafty team name, this team should actually consider calling 911?

911: 911 emergency response, what's your issue?
Nick: Hey 911, how are ya? I have the Pylons coming up twice in the next three weeks.
911: Sir, is this an emergency?
Nick: It is, I'm about to lose my playoff spot.
911: I'm not sure what you'd like from us. We deal with real emergencies.
Nick: I need a wide receiver, can I give you Bilal Powell for Calvin Johnson?
911: Goodbye, Sir.

5. Lady Luck (5-4): Got blown to smithereens by the Pylons, but still hold onto the 5th seed. I certainly think this team is better than Geno 911, but facing Fusco and Yashar in the next two weeks is very tough. If they lose both games, a realistic possibility, this team could be playing for their playoff lives against Mike Y and Lou down the stretch. My gut tells me this team ends up on the right side of the playoff line, but I may just be hungry.

6. Threeing the Hogs (4-5): I was certainly rooting against you, and you definitely benefited by Lou's entire team being on a bye. Sadly for you, your most consistent player, Chiefs D, is now pretty much out for the year. But you got the big win you needed. In another huge match against Darryl this week. Finishes up with double dose of Woody, so beware. Take care of business on your end and you'll be in.

7. Dueling Pylons (3-5-1): Still can't get over the two overturned wins from earlier this season. This team would be 5-4 had those not occurred, but still. Put up a career best 193 points, and it feels damn good to unload on Sam. This team needs to show some consistency, but thankfully faces Geno 911, so shouldn't need anywhere near another repeat performance to claim victory. Only a half game out of a playoff spot, and can certainly play their way in. The win in week 9 was a must.

8. Stanky Monkeys (3-6): Tough break after a 3 game winning streak to have all of your players on a bye. The good news is that the final 4 games are all against teams outside of the top 3, so it's certainly no stretch to think that this team could get in. Can pretty much bury TPG in week 10, so the game has a ton of importance for both teams. Surely, some of the teams above you will slip up.

9. RGIII for President (3-6): There's just nothing here to see. Never had any shot against TITTY, but likewise has games against some close competition. I think lack of moves has really hurt this team. Has basically the exact same team that was drafted, with the exception of Leonard Hankerson. Your match against Mike Y is massive, and a loss could seal a spot in the relegation battle.

10. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-6-1): Bad news for TPG and certainly in dire straits. If you can't beat the Stanky Monkeys in Week 10, I fear it will be too much to overcome. Can currently max out at 6-6-1, which could be good enough, but 5-7-1 likely won't be enough. The good news is you do have #1 waiver priority, so you can probably grab someone good to plug into your lineup. (See: top of page).  May I recommend getting on some hard shit and returning to Grotto's.


League 2

* 1. Darkest Norseman (7-2): Dosh has the first seed via tiebreaker. Looking extremely strong for a first round bye, and the winner of the showdown with Cutter is virtually assured of a bye. Already preparing for 2014 in League 1, but take care of business first. Has a playoff spot already locked up, so next goal must be a first round bye. Don't take these final games for granted.

* 2. Bo$$town Beasts (7-2): Pretty much in the same boat as Dosh. So far ahead of the pack right now, it's likely that Cutty will be preparing for a 2014 run at the White House. I told you that you needed to find a Running Back, and Zac Stacy could be the answer. With Manning and Welker through their bye weeks, and virtually the rest of the team, this team will be tough to beat down the stretch. Also has officially clinched a playoff spot.

3. Game On Dick Bag (5-3): Fantastic job taking down EEB in Week 9. Most likely too far behind to grab a bye, and probably far enough ahead that should be in the playoffs. This team is most likely looking at a wild card matchup. But beware, the teams behind you need to win, and they'll be able to take you out themselves. Prepare accordingly.

4. EEB Ventura (4-4-1): For the first time in a long time, no coaching blunders. Unfortunately a strong effort of 144 points just wasn't enough. Despite the record, this team is still barely hanging onto 6th highest scoring team in League 2. I wouldn't be surprised if the Desperate Tatz takes you out. I wouldn't feel safe at this point, and a bye is looking to be out of the question. It's amazing you were allowed to be in League 1 when you can't even hang down below.

5. Super Mario Brothers (4-4-1): Still hanging around the middle of the pack, but after a 4-2 start, Elliott is dropping quickly. Holding a game and a half on 7th place, but Ben surely is looking to right his ship. A loss in Week 10 blows things wide open. You do have a Tatz matchup in order for week 13, but it's possible that just ends up being a League 2 toilet bowl.

6. Street Pigeons (3-6): One win can turn your whole season around. The blog had left you for dead in previous weeks, but apparently you just needed a little Lobitz on your schedule, and it didn't even matter that Rodgers got hurt. I still think this team is a fraud and is far more likely to end up on the outside looking in, but make no mistake that win was huge for both you and Tatz. You could've both been 2 games back with 4 to play. Finishing with Cutter and Dosh sucks big time.

7. Jersey Leshoure (3-6): Remarkable that this team would miss the playoffs if they began today. It's unfortunate that you've lost twice to the Street Pigeons, as apparently you're the only team he can beat. Not even an injury to his QB on the first drive could help. You fully have the ability to play your way into the playoffs, and I expect it to happen. Losing 5 of 6 is a rough stretch for any team to go through.

8. Meat Collage (2-7): I got good news and I got bad news. The bad news is, I'm shuttin the studio down. The good news is, you're only a game out of a playoff spot, despite being 2-7. I'm going to have to strongly consider changing the playoff format if we can't get League 2 up to 10. Sure, you're struggling, but better days lie ahead. Thankfully, you have a matchup with EEB on deck. I think 5 wins might be enough to get the #6 team in.


League 2 already has 2 teams who have clinched a playoff berth. 7 is the magic number there, and surely that will drop as the weeks play out. Some teams are in desperate times, and none moreso than the matchup between TPG and the Stanky Monkeys. Neither team can afford to drop another game, but they must play.

Best of luck to everyone in Week 10.