Where to start?!?!? First, thank you to everyone for coming to the draft. It was a fantastic time as usual. Food was great. We drank out of giant steins. And no, I am not going to post the photos which were sent to the entire league by one unnamed league member.
Speaking of the unnamed league member, we must specifically call out the legendary performance by Dosh Willie Whye. @beerologist23 was on a mission. Showed up at Monk's Cafe to exchange beer with a random person from the internet. He then consumed at least 100 oz of beer before 4 PM, highlighted by a $60 bottle that is illegal in most states. After being initially told there were none in the place, Mr. Whye sweet-talked the owner with his knowledge of rare Belgian beers. A bottle was brought out under lock and key in order to avoid alerting other guests to the existence of this beer.
To be fair, this is the #1 rated international beer on Beer Advocate: https://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/388/5281/
Following this excursion, he missed the lottery and slept through the first two rounds of the draft. The Whye brothers, Dosh and Mike, were apart, and Mike frantically called hotel security, demanding they investigate room 302 to wake his missing brother. Until Dosh arrived, well after the clearly posted draft time, Julio and Joe Mixon were selected for him by EEB. Once learning this information, all hell broke loose. JULIO!?!?!?!?!? JULIO?!?!?!?!?
Additionally, after burning both keepers, Dosh continued to call for keepers. He called for players that were keeper eligible. He tried to keep Emmanuel Sanders despite never having him on his team at any point last season (records have confirmed). In fact, Dosh has never had Emmanuel Sanders on his roster in ANY season. And all of this preceded an inevitable night out at multiple clubs, which for some reason, there is photo evidence of.
All in all, an absolutely Hall of Fame worthy performance.
The Lottery
Despite other options, it seems the lottery has gravitated towards the envelopes. TPG raised the game to a new level this year, throwing two habaneros into the mix. Naturally, after specifically stopping to ensure the presence of the lottery habanero, he ended up with one. You and Gambino did a fantastic job taking those down.
Additionally, you may have noticed that the league schedule was updated a couple weeks ago. For the first time in a few years, you will not have the exact same matchups in the same weeks as in prior years. Thought it would be fun to mix it up a bit.
The Results
I know this is what you are all here for. The initial power rankings, as well as AY!!! ITSA ME!!! Leonardo Fournetti! From now on, he is an old Italian man that sounds like Super Mario. And Matt must do the voice upon request.
Doing something a bit different for the initial power rankings this year. I imported the draft results into Fantasypros.com league analyzer. I then used the top 50 most accurate progrnosticators in order to produce these results. This is a mathematical calculation. Additionally, I will add comments from the site itself in additional to my usual bashing. Without further ado:
14. Cash Me Out Wide
It's not a surprise to see Dosh start off in the cellar. At least he didn't pick 3 QBs in a row this year. Mike Williams is your #3 WR. You love big, slow receivers. Maybe you get something from the 2 Redskins you took, but that's far from a lock. I think you have a lot of work to do, but hanging onto Kelce is big. He was great for you last year.
What the Experts Say : This team may struggle for depth at both RB and WR. Julio Jones and Joe Mixon should be strong performers for your team, but every pick after that appears to be selections of an unprepared, and possibly intoxicated, owner.
13. Bo$$town Cutter
After drafting 20 players in last year's draft, you switched things up and only selected 14 this year. Your RB stable is solid, but the rest of the team could be problematic. Luckily you were able to hang on to Emmanuel Sanders despite pleas to keep him. You have both secondary receivers in Oakland, so it's likely somebody will help you out. If Alex Smith performs remotely close to last season, you'll probably be OK.
What the Experts Say : You have the worst TE, worst WR corps, and 2nd worst starting QB in the league. If you do not stay active, you will miss the playoffs for the 4th straight season. You also drafted a Bills kicker, which violates rule #1 of Fantasy Football.
12. Stanky Monkeys
I actually think your team could eventually be pretty decent. With Wentz and Edelman back, plus Dez if he signs and a possibly revitalized Sammy Watkins, you could be a really tough team as the season wears on. I just have concerns about what's going to happen before all of those things happen. You have a lot of players in the same situation, and I'm afraid you may end up in a huge hole. I think your team is better than #12 for sure.
What the Experts Say : Your strongest position is kicker. If Carson Wentz isn't back early in the season, you may struggle at QB. You'd likely be competitive in a 24 team league.
11. The King's Crusaders
Blasphemy! The King had the #1 team in the power rankings all last year, and came up just shy in the championship. Thankfully, you won't have to watch any teams other than the Lions and Bengals. Cooks and Gordon are two wild cards. It could be really bad or really good. When the dust settles, I'm sure you'll end up in the playoffs, but if for some reason Kareem Hunt doesn't pan out, your RB situation could be questionable.
What the Experts Say : If you had this team in 2017, you would not have been very successful. Tyler Eifert is probably already injured. We wouldn't be surprised if half of this team is sitting on the waiver wire by Week 6.
10. Team BG
We'll see how the strategy plays out this year. Clearly elite at WR, but the QB/RB positions could be problematic. If Mariota and Ajayi come through, you're a playoff team for sure. Once Ingram is back from suspension you'll also be in much better shape. I'm honestly surprised the math doesn't like this team more, because this is a good team.
What the Experts Say : Good mix of old and new. You waited a really, really long time to take a QB. Stay active on the waiver wire and your league entry fee won't be a sunk cost.
9. A Lot O'Tatz
AY!!! ITSA ME!!! Leonardo Fournetti! Drafted a defense in the 8th round. Then drafted another defense in the 10th round. Why? Also, despite everyone sharing information that Marqise Lee had his knee blown out Saturday night, you selected him in the 11th round anyway. You have very few players that can say they're the #1 option on their team. If I were doing the ranking, you'd be behind BG for sure.
What the Experts Say : It appears you wanted to corner the market on Team Defenses. You succeeded in that task. While your team does look decent, you are not a boss, cause your cheese is average.
8. Pork Chop Express
Never seen anything like it. Drafted 8 rookies. You couldn't stop. Only one player on your bench scored any points in the NFL last year. If it were a dynasty league, the site actually ranked your team #1. Hopkins, Diggs, Robinson, Gronk is really good, and if you get even a little production from some rookies, you'll be in the playoffs for sure. I think you may even contend.
What the Experts Say : It seems you may have ruffled some feathers with the selection of Royce Freeman. Stabbing a dynasty co-owner in the back will not be forgotten.
7. Phil
I don't understand your team name. Maybe go with "Zeke and Reek" But your team looks good. Solid WRs as well. Hill, Adams, and Zeke is a very strong core. I think things went a bit downhill after that, but that's just me. I'm looking forward to your trash talk.
What the Experts Say : Are you aware that there are positions other than WR? It seems you struggled to stop yourself from drafting even more. We love Ronald Jones' grillz.
6. Geno 911
Any time this team is in the top half, you know it's not reliable. Perhaps the pepper invigorated your draft. You're clearly trying to get some of TPG's luck. Joining him in that, drafting his championship QB. It's a wise strategy. Lamar Miller, Pierre Garcon, Zach Ertz. Such a Gambino team. You do need Alshon to come back though, and who knows when that will happen? I think your team is more solid than usual.
What the Experts Say : Not terrible anywhere, but not great anywhere. Using a first round pick on a rookie is very risky. You're paying for a best-case scenario, which usually means you miss the playoffs like every year.
5. Tweeting in the Trenches
The Cook/McCaffrey picks 1/2 were smart. I think everybody likes both of those guys. Russell Wilson was the #1 QB last year. And then you've got a bunch of Giants and Patriots. Your team is gonna be tough. Depth looks terrible, but if your guys stay healthy, it won't matter. I think you're in a pretty good spot to make the playoffs.
What the Experts Say : Your receivers stink. You have the 2nd worst #1 WR, worst #2 WR, and 2nd worst #3 WR. Based on your draft style, it seems like you've been down this road before.
4. Dueling Pylons
2 of the first 3 picks were on my team last year, and my team sucked. Rodgers better not fucking get hurt again. This team has a lot of potential, but need guys to break out. Maybe this team becomes good, but there's clearly work to be done. Finally Gurley is back where he belongs.
What the Experts Say : This team stinks. But Rodgers and Gurley will carry this muck to something respectable. Trey Burton is a God.
3. Team Bartholomew
Real strong draft from Tatz. Jimmy Graham could wind up having a huge season with the Packers. You got some decent depth on the bench, which is key. You're only missing Greggy Olsen from this classic Tatz squad. You'll love having Melvin Gordon as well. I think this team is very good, and should be in the playoffs with some smart moves during the season.
What the Experts Say : You're no worse than 7th in the league at any position. This team has the upside to win the league. It could also fall apart and be the worst in the league.
2. The Old Ball Sack
How did your team get this good? I don't even remember you drafting. I don't think your team is this good, but I could certainly be wrong. Alex Collins, JUICE, Fitz with a new QB, Jordan Reed's health. To me there are a lot of question marks before I want to rank this team so high. But Antonio Brown is a monster, and he can do a lot of great things on his own.
What the Experts Say : OOOOOHWEEEE! You must read our site. We rank all of your players so highly.
1. Tequila Party Gnomes
Although you had to eat a habanero, starting of with Le'Veon and Alvin Kamara is huge. If Amari Cooper bounces back, you could easily have a top 10 WR as well. Bobby Woods is back. Derrick Henry is back. And although Cousins is gone, Brees may be an upgrade (I'M SORRY). This is the team to beat, for sure.
What the Experts Say : This team will score a lot of points, but concerns about uncontrollable gas could put lineup setting at risk. Stay active on Sundays.
Well that's it. All 14 teams to start with. It was an awesome draft, and looking forward to the season.
