Third World Girls Gone Wild

The title has absolutely nothing to do with the blog but it is a breath of fresh air and brings back glorious memories of Chappelle’s Show. Week 11 was definitely the best week of the season so far. All 5 games were good and no game was decided by more than 14 points. I could go over all of the happenings but I will leave them to the individual game reviews.

***** REMINDER *****

The trade deadline is the start of games on THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 26th. I realize ESPN is trying to get your attention with their flashy red headline banner on the homepage, but in their league settings you can only choose Wednesdays as the deadline (Communists). If you do complete a deal before the start of Packers-Lions, let me know and I will make sure it goes through on the league page. Hopefully I do it right considering I will be drinking heavily for the Lions. I know TPG will be wearing his Lions ballcap.

Also, any player added after 1 PM Sunday (the week 12 deadline) CANNOT BE KEPT next year. This applies to any player whether it is a kicker, defense, whatever. Keep this in mind if you’re trying to plan ahead like myself. Fucking Pylons. On to the games.

Kiss Da Baby 106 – Tequila Party Gnomes 97:

This may be the most infuriating team ever. Sam is dead last in the breakdown, 4 points up on the lowest scoring team, and owns the #1 seed. Again an opponent failed to impress. Imagine leaguemates playing 11 games and having an opponent score over 102 in only 3 of them. Imagine those 3 being 106, 111, and 126 points. Fucking bullshit. And the worst part about it is this is entirely my fault. I made the schedule and I have done this to the league. I received explosions on 3 consecutive days (lunch pending today) from the Gnomes about Steve Breaston not even being targeted once against the Rams and Carson Palmer scoring not one but two rushing touchdowns. Only against Sam. In 9 career meetings, TPG has scored over 106 against Sam exactly twice. Just remember that as in the NFL, when you have the best record, you get the toughest schedule the following season. Makes me wanna vomit.

Stanky Monkeys 153 – Animals With Eyepatches 139:

Poor Jimish. His record when scoring 120+ points is now 1-5. What a brutal brutal season. Even the Lions couldn’t help you. For awhile Sunday afternoon it looked like Jimish was going to cruise to a victory, but it was not meant to be. Riding the nuts of Eli Manning (HOW DO YOU START HIM?!?!?!?), Stanky kept pouring on the points and didn’t stop until he had found himself as the 6 seed in the playoffs. The NASTY text message was received at approximately 7 pm and I did not respond. It’s feast or famine for this team every week. That is the sign of a dangerous team but ultimately a pretender when it comes to winning a title. Replacing Peyton with another Manning is not the same, and I know that’s what you were hoping for. Everyone hates your garbage team.

The King’s Crusaders 130 – Tweeting In The Trenches 118:

We are 11 weeks into the season and still nothing has changed for Fusco. His performance has yet to matter in a single week. 5-0 when allowing less than 100. 0-6 when allowing over 100. All but one week (against me obviously) have been between 90 points scored and 128 points scored. The King meanwhile got a huge performance from Matt Schaub Monday night to take this game and get a much needed win. After back to back down weeks it looked like the King may have been on shaky ground. Even more shocking than the score was King’s bench, which scored 125 points. Monday evening the King was spotted pacing in circles and talking to his crown cursing himself for making poor decisions. The rare set it and forget lineup decision almost cost King the win. Meanwhile, Fusco’s team is in shambles after losing 3 straight. This team should feel lucky to still be in the playoff hunt seeing how awful it actually is.

Dueling Pylons 128 – Johnson’s Farm 124:

For the first time since the 3rd week of September I get to actually write a blog that starts with the Pylons before the other team. Huge sigh of relief. Unhappy with the Pylons special teams, the 49ers defense was added and obviously put up negative points. But in addition, Nick Fizzolk was released in favor of Rob Birnoas. This move was made strictly due to the fact that Bironas played Monday night. These teams traded blows throughout Sunday and heading into Monday night the Pylons held a 24 point advantage with Chris and Andre Johnson against a kicker. The Pylons were confident, however, as last year another Pylons kicker Nate Kaeding was able to hold off the furious rally of Jerricho Cotchery and give the Pylons a win against the Farm on Monday night.

After an Andre Johnson touchdown, this game looked like a formality but Bironas kept fighting. Rob nailed a 50 yard field goal and the Pylons kept holding on to the narrowest of leads. My Blackberry spontaneously combusted due to text message support. I think this was the first time in the history of the EFFL that anyone has ever wanted the Pylons to win. Bironas then missed another almost 50 yarder and it looked like it was not meant to be. The game was tied and Chris Johnson eventually put the farm in front by 1. Again it came down to a Bironas field goal from 53 and he nailed it. The Texans had a shot to tie it but Kris Brown missed a field goal at the death and the Pylons had snapped a 6 game losing streak. After the miss the Pylons celebrated with a beer shower and the Farm went to gamble his potential winnings away. Another glorious victory and lots of congratulations from the league made this one of the most exciting finishes not only of the year, but also in EFFL history.

The Jackson Five 116 – Coach Janky Spanky 116:

Our first tie of the 2009 season was a huge one. Seeing as this was the game of the week due to the huge playoff implications, having each of these teams now with a tie definitely will make things a little easier in the standings. The Jackson Five must be absolutely heartbroken after this tie. The back and forth affair seemed to be in the hands of Janky Spanky until LeSean McCoy ripped off a 10 yard touchdown run to put the Five in front by 1. After the Bears could not do anything with the ball the Eagles attempted to run out the clock. Prior to a 3rd and 4 play, McCoy had exactly 100 yards rushing. On the next play he lost a yard, and lost a fantasy point. The Eagles then punted and the ensuing Bears possession started with a meaningless Greg Olsen catch. But the catch itself tied this game up, and may have pushed EEB into the playoffs. All hope is not lost for the Five, however. With each of these two teams playing the Stanky Monkeys the next two weeks, they are still alive. At least the Eagles got the win but still, this has to be one of the most unfortunate matchups I’ve ever seen. Roy Williams and Ben Watson put up 0 points each. Just about everything that could have gone wrong did. But this game did not disappoint in the game of the week slot. Truly was one to be remembered, or forgotten.


**** Week 12 Preview ****

Kiss Da Baby (7-4) vs. The Jackson Five (4-6-1):

Interesting clash here. The Jackson Five are the only team this season to score more than 111 points against Kiss Da Baby. Must be nice. Word on the street is that I’ve upset Sam due to my blog posts. With a win, she’s lucky and with a loss her team is terrible. Well, the fact is that you’ve scored 4 more points than the lowest scoring Pylons who are a terrible team and your opponents have scored 115 fewer points than the next closest team. I’m just looking at the numbers. It’s not personal. The Five meanwhile are in a must win scenario here. They are very much still alive in the race, but have to take down the Evens division leading Baby. Over the past 3 weeks Brandon has scored 100 more points than Sam, and I fully expect that trend to continue. Look for the Five to stay alive with a win.

Coach Janky Spanky (6-4-1) vs. Stanky Monkeys (6-5):

This marks the first ever Stanky-Janky Spanky meeting and it certainly won’t be the last. The winner of this game will almost certainly be in the playoffs, and with each still in contention for a bye in their respective divisions, this turns into a huge matchup. Equally as large is the fact that TITTY and the Five are right on both these teams heels, so neither can really afford to slip up here. Believe it or not, over the past 7 weeks, these are the 2 highest scoring teams in the league, so this is sure to be a high scoring affair. These are also the teams with the 2 best records in the league over the past 6 weeks. With Brady and Welker going Monday night, this one will be far from over before the late hours. I think I like Lou’s matchups a little more, so I’m taking Stanky in this one.

The King’s Crusaders (7-4) vs. Animals With Eyepatches (2-9):

After Sam traded Maurice Jones-Drew to Chris, I’m sure Jimish is kicking himself again at the thought of possibly facing another team scoring 150+. The Eyepatches are now 1-5 when scoring 120+, which is completely unheard of. Just an overall tough season. In their past 2 meetings, the King has scored 166 and 151 against the Eyepatches. Drew Brees on the national stage Monday night has to be a scary thought. He’s going to be chucking the ball like a mad man. Also, the King released via private teleconference that he was regretting the decision of cutting Kellen Winslow. Look for him to have a monster game. I really think the Eyepatches put their foot down on this 7 game losing streak. I like the Eyepatches in an upset.

Dueling Pylons (3-8) vs. Tweeting In The Trenches (5-6):

If there was ever a team that could use a win, it’s most certainly TITTY this week. Losers of 3 straight and in desperate need of something positive, Fusco will look to down the upstart Pylons in this matchup. 2 weeks ago these teams struck a deal which shipped Steven Jackson for Antonio Gates. It will be interesting to see how these teams fare against each other with their new players. The Pylons seem destined to score over 100 points. This is a mark in which TITTY is 0-6 against opponents. I think this trend continues and the Pylons keep building on a shitty 09 season.

***** GAME OF THE WEEK *****

Tequila Party Gnomes (7-4) vs. Johnson’s Farm (7-4):

This was pretty much a given for game of the week. Not only is this the matchup with the best combined records, these teams have a dirty history between them. This series started out with the Farm winning the first 5 meetings. TPG then won their only ever playoff meeting to end the skid. These teams find themselves currently tied atop the Odds division with each vying for the elusive first round bye. Interesting stat: excluding the week they played each other (Week 9), every week since week 1 these teams have had the exact same win/loss result for the week. For 8 weeks in a row the Farm was exactly 1 game behind TPG and they have been even the last 3. These teams’ seasons have been a mirror of the other. Each of these teams has players ranging from Thursday to Monday night, so this one is sure to be an epic battle. I think the Farm responds after the emotional loss to the Pylons and comes away with the win here.


Good luck to everyone week 12. It’s just about elimination time.

Week 11 Rundown

These standings look awfully familiar to the ones of 2 weeks ago. It’s like nothing happened in between the two weeks

1. Kiss Da Baby (7-4): This is disgusting. Dead last in the breakdown and only 4 points away from being the lowest scoring team, Sam is the #1 seed. Over the past 8 weeks this team has topped 106 points twice. Has allowed 115 fewer points than the next lowest team. An absolute embarrassment to the league.

2. Johnson’s Farm (7-4): Heartbreaking Week 11 loss and Week 1 loss to Sam has the Farm in the 2 hole. Similar to two weeks ago, owns tiebreakers over both TPG and King so Nick gets this spot. A week 12 loss to TPG will pretty much remove this team from the possibility of a bye.

3. The King’s Crusaders (7-4): Heading into Monday night, the King was looking at the possibility of even missing the playoffs without securing a victory. Matt Schaub came up huge and the King has jumped into the top wildcard spot due to points tiebreaker with TPG.

4. Tequila Party Gnomes (7-4): Tough Week 11 loss to the thunderous Baby. TPG has now lost 3 of 5 and is slowly creeping down the wild card chain. Should still be fine for the playoffs but needs to get on a roll. Dropping down the points scored list also does not suit TPG well.

5. Coach Janky Spanky (6-4-1): Well this certainly threw a wrench in the wild card race. Every year in the EFFL there has been a tie, and every year it makes it easier to avoid tiebreakers. Janky Spanky can pass either the Farm or TPG with a win (provided no tie again). This team controls its destiny and still has a shot to win the division due to Week 13 matchup with the King

6. Stanky Monkeys (6-5): Put together a solid Week 11 to fight off a big week from the Eyepatches. Winners of 4 straight, this is a team that clearly wants to be in the playoffs. The last two weeks are huge as they play the current #5 and #8 teams but looking strong for the time being.

7. Tweeting In The Trenches (5-6): Brutal loss to the King on Monday night. Never pick up your opponents scrubs and start them. The TITTY is looking a little tender right now and must defeat the streaking Pylons to stay alive. Due to the teams near him in the standings playing each other, has a real shot to get in with a win.

8. The Jackson Five (4-6-1): Wow what a heartbreaking tie. This team is not out of it at all, however. We will see our first Stanky-Janky Spanky matchup in Week 12, and seeing as the Five do play the Monkeys in Week 13, this team still has a shot. If EEB defeats Lou this week and the Five can take care of business against the Baby, we could be looking at a win and in game week 13. This is still totally wide open.

9. Dueling Pylons (3-8): Got a huge win in week 11 to get out of the EFFL basement for the first time in a long time. Still looking to cause damage around the league as this team can really affect playoff seedings with a strong showing. Finally broke the 6 game losing streak.

... and I’m just gonna leave what I wrote last week because the same exact thing has happened again to the Eyepatches. He would be 7-4 with Sam’s schedule. She would be 3-8 with his.

10. Animals With Eyepatches (2-9): This team just can’t catch a break. Puts up 120 again and loses. If I had my way, Kiss Da Baby and the Eyepatches would be switched in positions. This will now mark 2 out of 3 seasons the Eyepatches have missed the playoffs. They haven’t been to the semifinal round since 2006 and have never won more than 8 games in a season. Sorry Jimbo. See you next season.

Knocking Out The Fat

10 weeks down, 3 to go. This is the time of the season where every single game is meaningful. Both the Pylons and Eyepatches could not end their losing streaks and as a result the only thing ended is their respective seasons. These two will be fighting it out for last place this season. Week 11 is the 2nd of our Odds-Evens showdowns as every team has an out of division matchup. These games are huge in the wild card race, and each game marks the one and only time you will play this opponent this season. Also, the trade deadline is the start of games on Thanksgiving, so if you’d like to make a last minute deal, it must be sent to the commissioner by then. Ignore ESPN’s dumb reminder at the top.

I’m also not sure how many of you click the links at the top right of the blog page but I set up a Google group: http://groups.google.com/group/efflblog. The EFFL rulebook and history (updated each week) are on there. You all have access via your email addresses.

Tequila Party Gnomes 110 – Dueling Pylons 80:

What a boring and uneventful game. Neither team could get much going in the way of offense, but for the first time TPG actually played an opponent who didn’t put up a massive point total. Putting up 80 pretty much sums up the Pylons season as coaching decisions and poor drafting finally sealed their fate. An encouraging effort from Frank Gore Thursday night was all the Pylons got in the way of productivity. Recently traded Steven Jackson put up 32 points and the Pylons bench exploded. I want a new team. TPG meanwhile got an important win against a dismal team and really has started to solidify himself atop the EFFL ranks. There were no headstands this Sunday as the Gnomes never were really in danger of losing this one. Peterson vs. Lions was bound to be a disaster and sure enough All Day tore apart that pathetic team. Perhaps when these teams meet again next season it will be a more competitive and meaningful matchup. The Pylons would like to wish TPG well in all future endeavors.

Stanky Monkeys 91 – Kiss Da Baby 83:

If there were smiley faces in Microsoft Word, the vomit/sick one would have been used about 14 times to describe this game. This was a just another slap in the Pylons face by Kiss Da Baby. Week 8 King scored 152 on the Pylons, Week 9 King scored 83 on Sam. Week 9 Lou scored 165 on the Pylons, Week 10 scored 91 on Sam. Absolutely disgusting. To have 990 points scored on you in 10 weeks and only be 6-4 is an embarrassment. Sam truly has one of the worst teams in the league, and very well may miss the playoffs. I predicted Baby would put up 104 and win, but obviously I gave that team way too much credit. Lou meanwhile did nothing of note in this game but managed to get enough points to win, which is really all that matters. Now at 5-5 and occupying the 6th seed, Stanky’s fortunes may be reversing. Since week 2, Stanky has not scored between 106 and 164 points. This is astounding and unprecedented. This team has the potential to be very dangerous come playoff time, and I know the league would much rather see Lou out than in.

The Jackson Five 139 – Tweeting In The Trenches 128:

This turned out to be the best game of the week. The Jackson Five’s use of Venus and Serena’s older brothers Roy and Ricky led this team to a huge win. A Randy “NASTY” Moss explosion didn’t hurt either. A Nate Burleson 0 had to have Fusco in shambles. I have said it in past weeks and I will continue to say it. The Jackson Five are a serious contender if he can sneak in the playoffs. Getting this win was monumental. In the past 5 weeks, the Five have scored 128+ points 4 times. Exactly 0 other teams have done that. As the season has gone on this team has only gotten stronger. I personally think the trade with the King was an absolute steal getting McCoy and Sidney Rice for Forte and Shockey. Also worth noting is that the Dolphins have the weakest opposing schedule in the playoffs and the Five have both Ricky Williams and Teddy Ginn Jr. TITTY meanwhile is sputtering. 2 straight defeats to direct competition have dropped Fusco into the 7th seed and a dogfight down the stretch. The opportunities have been there, but this team just hasn’t capitalized.

Coach Janky Spanky 138 – Animals With Eyepatches 120:

I will start with this statistic. In games the Eyepatches have scored 120 or more points they are 1-4. No other team has lost more than twice when reaching this point total. This team has just been incredibly unfortunate this season. Every time they put up a good week, their opponent does the same. Just a tough tough year for Jimish. This had to be a tough Sunday night game to watch as Brady and Welker dominated Addai and put this game on lock. Janky Spanky meanwhile continues to produce. After Week 10, they have taken over as the top scoring team this season. Brady continues to pace this squad and looking very strong to make the playoffs. At this time I really have nothing bad to say about this EEB squad other than I dislike almost every player on the team. Definitely on the list of contenders in my mind.

Johnson’s Farm 152 – The King’s Crusaders 107:

I guess one of these teams had to win, and I guess I’m happy to see it was the Farm. This team has been rolling on the shoulders of Chris Johnson. I hate to say it but this team has been steadily improving over the season and I’m starting to become a believer. Since week 1, this team has been in the bottom half of the league scoring for a week only twice, and never lower than 7th. Over the last 9 weeks this team is ranked #1 in the breakdown, and are now up to 2nd in the power rankings. They also occupy the #1 seed in the EFFL Playoffs. The King it appears has fallen victim to his own successful strategy. Making trades and playing matchups has been classic Woody philosophy, but with so many underachievers, lineup decisions are becoming even more critical. It also didn’t help that half of the King’s team was on the bye; however Andre Johnson was also unavailable. These teams are definitely going in opposite directions as we head into the playoffs, and the more I see of the Crusaders, the less I think this team has a chance of doing something meaningful with the 09 season.

***** Week 11 Preview *****

I had a very tough time deciding on a game of the week for Week 11, so let’s get the 2 out of the way I threw out immediately.

Stanky Monkeys (5-5) vs. Animals With Eyepatches (2-8):

This game has no fanfare at all. The past 3 times these teams have met (over a 3 year period), Lou has outscored Jimish by an average of 144-90, winning all 3. As an Eagles fan, I don’t know how Lou can even like his team. A Giant, a Jet, 2 Steelers, a Patriot and a former Giant all in his lineup. The Eyepatches meanwhile are heavily invested in Lions-Browns which could prove to be a very smart strategy. With Drew Brees at the Bucs, I seriously think the Eyepatches could steal this game. Stanky absolutely NEEDS this game if they want to stay alive for the playoffs, but I just don’t think they get it done. This feels more like a 100 point week than a 160 point week. I’m picking the Eyepatches in an upset this week.

Tequila Party Gnomes (7-3) vs. Kiss Da Baby (6-4):

With the most combined wins among any matchup this week, you would think that this would be a premier affair. Not so. Over the past 7 weeks TPG and Baby have ranked 6th and dead last in points scored respectively. What is also interesting is that Matt has scored more points than Sam in 9 out of 10 weeks so far. On the flip side, Matt’s opponent has scored more than Sam’s opponent in 8 out of 10 weeks. These teams have taken two completely opposite paths to get to this point, and each team really could use this win if they want a first round bye. Standard is that in their 8 meetings TPG has averaged 100 points scored against Sam. In 65 career games, Sam’s opponents are averaging exactly 100 points. This just has all the makings of a shitty game that will be close and filled with frustration. Sam has 3 Jaguars against the Bills so I know it will be difficult for TPG to get involved. But Matt has gone back to the basics with the power formation and senior citizens and will see all of his players on the field at 1 pm Sunday. I like the Gnomes to prevail.

Dueling Pylons (2-8) vs. Johnson’s Farm (7-3):

It truly saddens me that it has taken 11 weeks for these teams to finally square off. I think this is one of the most fun rivalries in the EFFL, and next year definitely look for these teams to have a game sooner. The Pylons own a 5-2 edge in the series including finally getting a playoff win last year. In the 5 Pylons victories the average score has been 127-89. The 2 Farm wins have been an average score of 137-93. Only 1 of the 7 games have been decided by less than 27 points. That occurred last season when Nate Kaeding outdid Jerricho Cotchery’s 10 catches for 76 yards on Monday night and sealed the victory with a 48 yard field goal with a minute to go. A proposition was made by the Farm a few weeks ago which was accepted by the Pylons. He asked, “If I use Laveraneus Coles against you and win can I write the blog the week after?” I would love to see a Gambino blog honestly, but there is no way I will lay down for this matchup. Having to see Johnson vs. Johnson on Monday night is an absolute disaster. The last time these two teams met in Week 2, the Johnson’s combined for 90 points between the two of them. Seriously. The Pylons have attempted to counter with Rob Bironas. No lead will be safe. The Farm has been too hot, and I think they take this one and run and write the Week 11 blog.

The Jackson Five (4-6) vs. Coach Janky Spanky (6-4):

I think this is going to be the best of the Week 10 games but falls just short of earning game of the week status. At the draft each of these teams kept to themselves. EEB making picks immediately on the clock from the sofa and BG with his face buried in his iPhone. This definitely has the potential to be a rivalry if these owners get to know each other a little better. Let’s be honest here. This is an absolutely HUGE game in the wild card race. If the Five win this game, the whole race gets blown open. Guaranteed 4 teams will be within one game of each other for 2 playoff spots and it could be even closer than that depending upon other results. These teams have been within 13 points of each other each of the last 4 weeks, and I am fully expecting another close game. What I find even greater is that the Five have 2 players against the Redskins. Also Tom Brady could easily determine this matchup. If he finds Welker a lot, Janky Spanky could be good. If he finds Moss and Watson, it could mean disaster. I think this is a great game and I like the Five to keep on rolling.

***** Game of the Week *****

Tweeting In The Trenches (5-5) vs. The King’s Crusaders (6-4):

This game is truly a test of two teams who are really looking to find an identity as we approach the playoffs. These teams bonded quickly with matching Giants jerseys at the draft. Fucking homos. 2 weeks ago these teams sat comfortably at 5-3 and 6-2, and both looked to be in very strong position. Now both teams are in danger of missing the playoffs. Bottom line is both teams need to win this game, especially with tiebreakers coming into play. I truly feel that this game is a playoff game. Somehow ESPN has projected these two as 2 of the 3 highest scoring teams this week. I don’t get it personally. Fusco this week has arguably the worst team I’ve ever seen, so I like the King in this one. I really do think though that both of these teams are in trouble and neither really has a shot at the title.

That’s all for this week. We’re coming down to the wire.

Playoffs Week 10

Here’s a little preview of where we stand. Only 2 games separate 1st place from 7th place so nothing has been settled yet.

1. Johnson’s Farm (7-3): Solidifying themselves as a top team in the EFFL, now has won 3 straight and looking good as the #1 seed. Still owns head to head tiebreaker over TPG so would earn the bye based on that.

2. Kiss Da Baby (6-4): Somehow Sam is in the #2 slot and in line for a first round bye. In actuality, this team is only one game ahead of being out of the playoffs. I know everyone is pulling for Sam seeing as she is a cupcake team come playoff time, but this is ridiculous. Most undeserving spot of all teams.

3. Tequila Party Gnomes (7-3): Now one of only two teams with a 7-3 record, TPG got a much needed win against the cellar dwelling Pylons. With Sam, Nick, and Jimish as the last 3, TPG has to be feeling good about themselves.

4. The King’s Crusaders (6-4): Took another loss in week 10 and has the #4 seed based on tiebreaker over Janky Spanky. This team is coming crashing down to earth and could be in a world of hurt if they can’t stop the bleeding. Huge game with TITTY this week.

5. Coach Janky Spanky (6-4): Now winners of 6 of 7, Janky Spanky has actually taken over the overall EFFL points lead and is currently in line for the $30 prize. In a critical spot now, however, as there are a bunch of teams right in the thick of the wild card chase. The EEB-Woody first round playoff matchup remains in tact.

6. Stanky Monkeys (5-5): If that’s not how you do it, then I don’t know fantasy football. Put up 91 points, come away with a victory, and sneak into the #6 slot. I know TPG does not wanna see this team in the first round, but Stanky can’t be feeling confident. 6 of the last 8 weeks this team has scored 106 or less.

7. Tweeting In The Trenches (5-5): Crushing defeat to the Five in Week 10. Really could’ve used a win and is now right in the middle of the hunt. The schedule is not much kinder down the way and this is a team I feel is in real danger of missing the playoffs.

8. The Jackson Five (4-6): Well look what we have here. The Five have now won 3 of 4 and got an enormous week 10 win over TITTY. Now only a game out of a playoff spot this team has to like their chances. Just pointing this out, but week 13 Monkeys-Five… In the past 5 weeks this team has put up 128+ 4 times. Only Janky Spanky has performed as well. This could be a very scary team if they get in.

9. Animals With Eyepatches (2-8): This team just can’t catch a break. Puts up 120 again and loses. If I had my way, Kiss Da Baby and the Eyepatches would be switched in positions. This will now mark 2 out of 3 seasons the Eyepatches have missed the playoffs. They haven’t been to the semifinal round since 2006 and have never won more than 8 games in a season. Sorry Jimbo. See you next season.

….and still

10. Dueling Pylons (2-8): The Pylons 2009 goose has been cooked by TPG. What a disappointing and dismal season for a team that really felt poor at the draft. Down years do happen, and this storied franchise will no doubt be back next year. Looking to wreak havoc as spoiler the last few weeks.

Let's Get To Dancin

With 9 weeks in the books, and only 4 remaining on the schedule, it’s about time for everyone (or at least 6 of us) to start making plans for the postseason. Week 10 marks the first week of Thursday night games which is sure to add some intensity and unnecessary stress. I’d like to remind you all of a few rules with the Thursday games. All Thursday players lock their status at gametime. If you have a guy in your lineup he stays and likewise for the bench. You still may add or drop other players before the Sunday 1 pm Drop/Add deadline, but after 1 pm you must wait until waivers the following week. Also the trade deadline is before the start of games in Week 12, so we are down to about 2 weeks before trades are done until the offseason. Here’s what went down in Week 9.

Kiss Da Baby 101 – The King’s Crusaders 83:

Wow. This game was a total shock to me. This was the King’s lowest regular season effort since Week 10 2007 against Jimish (lost 76-67). Obviously it would be against Sam. She has now played one of the bottom three scoring teams for the week in 6 out of 9 weeks. This disgusts me. TPG’s opponents have scored almost 300 more points against him in 9 weeks. A comparison was done and if TPG had Sam’s schedule he would be 8-1. If Sam had his she would be 2-7. Her team is a middle of the pack squad at best but has been very lucky so far. She plays some angry owners in the last 4 weeks with things to prove. Ironically, Sam is 6-0 against past EFFL owners and 0-3 against the expansion teams. The King meanwhile totally fell off a cliff. His strategy of trading for underachievers (and he has Reg!) actually bit him in the ass in week 9. Fortunes can change quickly in the EFFL and the King is only 2 games ahead of 7th place.

The Jackson Five 134 – Animals With Eyepatches 123:

The Five have been an up and down squad all season. Only once has the team scored between 93 and 126. This was a good week and got the win they desperately needed. Big days from the Five’s big guns contributed to this victory. The Eyepatches are now falling apart at the seams, as injuries to key players have prevented a promising season. This was actually the most points scored by the Five since week 12 2007 so this has to be encouraging. Ummm….. yea.

Johnson’s Farm 145 – Tequila Party Gnomes 110:

Week 9 marked another week where the defense of the Gnomes was nowhere to be found. Every single week this team is challenged by opponents and still boasts an impressive 6-3 record. Come playoff time this will be a battle tested team that knows what it takes to win. The Farm have now won 4 of 5 despite being only the 6th highest scoring team over that span. Again these types of things happen when you never play higher than the 5th highest scoring team for the week over that span. At least Nick finally put up more than 116, a feat not accomplished since Week 2. This team has the potential and could be putting it all together. The next couple weeks will be an indication of where this team stands heading into the playoffs. I will say this though: I feel this could be a very dangerous team, especially if they get the bye. This team is easily capable of putting two big weeks in a row together. But for now, the Farm is an inconsistent lucky team.

Coach Janky Spanky 145 – Tweeting In The Trenches 106:

Yet another mediocre week for Fusco. This week his opponent showed up and naturally this was a loss. TITTY has been in the bottom 3 in points scored basically all year. This team still has won 5 of 7 despite being the 2nd lowest scoring team in the past 7 weeks. I think this team has more problems than answers, and TITTY is definitely in danger of missing the playoffs. Janky Spanky meanwhile got this very important win and now these teams stand level in the standings. EEB looks to have a pretty dangerous squad right about now. The Brady-Welker combo continues to produce and surprise Ray Rice has held this team together. This game was never really in question.

Stanky Monkeys 165 – Dueling Pylons 125:

I will say this. Thankfully I didn’t have to worry about Hines Ward Monday night bending me over as he always does. 1 catch for 3 yards? Nah he’s obviously throwing up 25 against the Pylons. This had to have been the most infuriating Sunday ever. At 4 pm the Pylons trailed 84-0. 10 minutes later DeAngelo Williams had 13 points. 10 minutes later he scored a 2nd time. Despite all of this, the Pylons made a furious comeback and found themselves down only 17 points going into Sunday night. Then Donovan McNabb shit himself. I said at about 1:30 PM that it would take 150 points to win this game. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Lou extended his winning streak over me to 7 games. I haven’t beaten him since Rams drinking game in 06. Again the Pylons faced the high score of the week, and again it was a massacre. Over the past 5 weeks opponents have scored 721 points on the Pylons (144.2 per week). This is the most against any team in any 5 week stretch in EFFL history by a wide margin. Frankly I’m getting my ass handed to me and it is not fun. I’m sure this brings great joy to the rest of the league though.


**** Week 10 Preview ****

The Jackson Five (3-5) vs. Tweeting In The Trenches (5-3):

This is a huge game. This is pretty much a must win for the Five to stay in the playoff hunt. Even larger is that the Five won the first matchup between these two so with a win would hold the season tiebreaker over TITTY. Before this past week only 3 points scored separated these teams. I think Fusco has leaned back a little bit on that panic button. Making two trades this past week to me indicates concern heading into the home stretch. Randy Moss and Ben Watson Sunday night may need to save the Five’s season. I think they do it and J5 makes the wild card race a lot more interesting.

Kiss Da Baby (6-3) vs. Stanky Monkeys (4-5):

These teams met just 3 weeks ago, and similar to the rest of the season, Sam’s opponent refused to put up points. This week at 1 pm both teams will be intently watching Bengals-Steelers and Jaguars-Jets. I’d rather watch a blank screen than either of those games. Thankfully Lions-Vikings will be on FOX. Naturally also coming off a 165 point effort Stanky will have a down week and fail to break 120. I’m actually pulling for the Baby here as a Stanky win would really hurt the Pylons miniscule chances. Word on the street is that Ochocinco is sending some mustard to the Steelers defense mocking famed ketchup company Heinz. Sam would be wise to send the same to Lou. Baby puts up 104 and wins this one…

Coach Janky Spanky (5-4) vs. Animals With Eyepatches (2-7):

When they first met back in week 6, Janky Spanky scored a league record 196 points on Jimish. I feel your pain. There’s no defense in fantasy. This time around Jimish is heavily invested in Lions-Vikings and I support this strategy. I think Kevin Smith comes out of nowhere and has a monster game against EEB. I also think that Brandon Marshall blows up against the Redskins in EEB’s face. For some reason I really like the Eyepatches this week. Brees against the Rams. This just sets up nicely for an upset. But EEB simply cannot allow this. Against a 2-7 team in the thick of the playoff hunt, these are games you must win if you want to make a statement. Janky Spanky has been too good recently and I think they win a close one.

Dueling Pylons (2-7) vs. Tequila Party Gnomes (6-3):

The lowest scoring team against the highest scoring team. The worst record against the best record. And yet each team knows that it again will probably take 150 points to win a game. These teams have split their 7 meetings 3-3-1 and from this point forward may play out the season in an equally even manner. But it is what has transpired earlier in the season that makes this game so big. TPG can put an end to the Pylons 2009 season with a victory. For the first time ever, the Pylons are actually facing playoff elimination during the regular season. I’m not sure if the Gnomes are ready for that kind of pressure as weekly trash talk seems to have TPG shook. This one may even come down to Monday night as newly acquired Joe Flacco goes against Derrick Mason. Sad that two Ravens are even in starting lineups. I expect a high scoring game and I’m picking the Pylons to pull the “upset” here.

***** Game of the Week *****

Johnson’s Farm (6-3) vs. The King’s Crusaders (6-3):

The last meeting between these two teams came down to the wire. A missed field goal by Nate Kaeding on Monday night with a minute left sealed the King’s fate and the Farm had a 1 point victory. Chris to this day claims he has no idea what the score was, but Woody not knowing something about fantasy is less likely than me joining the US men’s sprinting team. I think he wants revenge but after scoring 83 points and having the Texans and Giants on a bye, it may be tough this week. 3 of these teams 7 games have been decided by 7 points or less and I fully expect another close game. All of a sudden the King’s squad looks mortal, and a loss to the Farm here could send this team on a downward spiral, making the league ecstatic. I actually like the Farm here to keep rolling and pull out the victory.


That’s all for this week. Look out for the teams fighting for their playoff lives. It’s gonna be a good one.

Playoffs After Week 9

It’s that time of year again. Let’s get into all of the playoff scenarios of who’s in and who’s out. No playoff spots have been locked up yet but teams are on the brink. Despite what ESPN says, our playoff seedings will be based upon the EFFL rulebook, and if necessary I will adjust the matchups on the website accordingly. All ties will be settled within the division first. This is the exact same way that the NFL does it.

1. Kiss Da Baby (6-3): By virtue of week 1 head to head win over Johnson’s Farm currently occupy the #1 slot in the EFFL. This is a total joke, but Sam has performed well out of division and as a result is awarded the top spot. Currently the second lowest scoring team, and in danger of dropping to the bottom, Sam still has a long way to go to lock up the division and the first round bye.

2. Johnson’s Farm (6-3): This position is far from settled, however at the moment the Farm does hold head-to-head tiebreakers over both TPG and the King. If the season ended today Nick sadly would win the division and get the first round bye. What has the league come to that Sam and Nick are the two byes? Even worse, I get text messages straight from the Farm gloating about this scrub team. Please. Please.

3. Tequila Party Gnomes (6-3): Earns the tiebreaker over King due to scoring 5 more points for the season. Matt has had a rough go of it in 2009, but all bets are off once the playoffs begin. After allowing a league high 128 points per game I’m sure TPG would just like to get in and go from there.

4. The King’s Crusaders (6-3): The last of the 6-3 teams, the King’s week 9 debacle really has sunk this team. With 3 of the final 4 against other playoff teams, the time is now for Chris to step up and make a statement. Acquiring the top busts is a common King practice, but deciding between these scrubs could cause problems once the playoffs come around.

5. Coach Janky Spanky (5-4): After beating Fusco in Week 9, EEB has taken over the #5 spot and is looking like a force. The highest scoring team over the past 6 weeks, Janky Spanky has won 5 of 6 and certainly looks more and more like a contender each week. The remaining schedule is one of the weakest and could really even make a push for the Odds division crown. Also an EEB-Woody first round playoff matchup would be superb, seeing as they also square off in Week 13.

6. Tweeting In The Trenches (5-4): Opponent finally scored over 100 and got smoked again. TITTY really has shown nothing all season to assert themselves as a real threat. Every result has been dependent upon the opponent’s score, and that is a recipe for disaster come playoff time. This team is on the edge and really needs a strong showing the last couple weeks to make the playoff push. A Matt-Fusco first round matchup would also be an incredible meeting.

7. Stanky Monkeys (4-5): Has now strung together 2 straight wins and is right back in the thick of the playoff race. If the big weeks come on a more consistent basis, this could be a very dangerous team if they can sneak in the playoffs. I know everyone would be happier with Lou on the outside.

8. The Jackson Five (3-6): Still very much alive for a wild card spot after a crucial week 9 win over the Eyepatches. Just three weeks ago this team looked dead sitting at 1-5, but a resurgence has the Five flying high. Brandon actually has been in the top half of scoring 6 out of 9 weeks, which is tied for the league lead. This team has very important games coming up against its competition so anything can happen.

9. Animals With Eyepatches (2-7): Based on head to head domination (103-79) of the Pylons, is out of the basement for the time being. This team hasn’t been in the top half of league scoring since Week 5 and is staring elimination right in the face. A loss in Week 10 and a TITTY win will eliminate the Eyepatches. This would mark the 2nd time in the last 3 years that the Eyepatches have missed the playoffs.

….and finally

10. Dueling Pylons (2-7): The best way to sum up the Pylons 2009 season is gang raped. The league apparently had had enough of one of the most storied franchises in the EFFL. After starting off 2-2, opponents have scored an average of 144.2 points per game against the Pylons and are directly responsible for the 5 game losing streak. The Pylons have never been the low score in a week, and had the schedule maker been a better prognosticator, this team could easily be 9-0. All kidding aside, if TPG handles the Pylons in Week 10, for the first time ever the Pylons will miss the playoffs.


Things could definitely get very interesting this week as there are huge games on the slate. Let’s see how this thing plays out.

Not Much Movement

Let me just start off by saying the following… Since the league has moved to 10 teams, most likely teams will be officially eliminated from the playoffs earlier than in the past. Please continue to not only set your lineup but be active on the waiver wire. There could definitely be some players that break out that could help your team as a keeper next year.

Monday night was pretty wild. At one point I checked the scores and there were 3 games where the teams were within 3 points of each other, all with players still going. In the end, not one game ended up being within 10 points and there was not much suspense. Pretty much everyone stayed around the same area in the standings, but we now have only 5 weeks to play. Week 9 will really give teams the opportunity to assert themselves as contenders or pretenders. A rundown from the week 8 action:

The King’s Crusaders 152 – Dueling Pylons 135:

Might as well get this shit out of the way. This was the Pylons highest scoring week of the season and they still could not come up with a victory. This marks 4 straight defeats for the Pylons which marks a franchise worst. This game was really decided by the Bears-Browns game. Begin Rant…

For some unknown reason, Eric Mangini is an NFL head coach. The man is a fucking moron. He has a son named after Bill Belichick! He promised Brett Favre he would name his newborn son after him if he signed with the Jets! WHAT?!?!?!? I was recently told by a Jets fan that he was voted as the worst coach in the NFL last year. Rod Marinelli won 0 games last year, and somehow Mangini was worse. I didn’t think it was possible but Norv Turner has been unseated as the #1 most hated NFL coach. How do you take over a miserable team and immediately start trading down in the draft and settle in at #21 and take a center???? Oh and trading away Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow is a genius move as well. In 4 out of 8 games a Browns QB has failed to throw for 100 yards. What a sad sad franchise. End rant….

I was also notified that Chris attempted to remove Greggy Jennings from his lineup in favor of Anquan Boldin right at the 4:15 mark but it was too late. This move would have cost King the victory. Everything that could have gone right for the King did, as it usually does. If I have to hear one more time “I should be 8-0”, I may spaz. I should’ve picked up the Bears D this week. Nobody else has had the luxury of playing a team scoring 67 points. I’ve never heard so many complaints from the league’s leading scorer.

Tweeting In The Trenches 111 – Kiss Da Baby 96:

Well, what else is there to say about TITTY. They have earned the moniker of luckiest team in the EFFL. Opponents’ ranks the last 6 weeks in weekly points scored: 8th, 10th, 2nd, 9th, 8th, 10th. That’s the sole reason this team is 5-3. It’s not about your team, it’s about the opponents. Assuring me that you have the team to make a title run is laughable. If you face TPG or King in the playoffs you’re bound to get smoked. And having the audacity to parade around as fruit of the loom grapes for Halloween is ridiculous. Hakeem Nicks is not good. I hear this every single year about a Giants receiver. Oh yea, Tim Carter just got cut by the Rams… As far as Kiss Da Baby goes, this is no more than a standard Sam Woody team. Be the EFFL’s lowest scoring team over the past 5 weeks and make a trade with your brother. No need for fear from the league here. Such a day and night team, let’s see how the strategy of relying on Bengals and Jaguars and scrubs pays off.

Johnson’s Farm 109 – Animals With Eyepatches 74:

This was the matchup between the 2 teams not at the draft, and predictably nobody really cared that much. This is now 6 straight weeks for the Farm scoring between 106 and 116 points. I’m still not impressed and frankly nobody else is either. You’re 2 last second wins away from being 3-5. Sam scored 90 points against you and you lost. EEB scored 85 against you and now the Eyepatches score 74. The entire league agreed, after Andre and Chris Johnson, your team could be filled with random criminals from the Alcatraz Penitentiary League (APL…you know what I’m talking about UJ) and still produce the same. This is a one and done team at best if they even make the playoffs. The schedule the rest of the way is intense. I thought there couldn’t be anything worse than starting 2 Lions but I was wrong. Starting 2 injured Lions is worse. I know Jimbo that both you and I want to relive the glory days of Kitna to Roy Williams, but those days have passed. And each week it’s looking more and more like this season may have passed you by as well. Since week 5, this team has totally fallen off a cliff. And while it’s not too soon to call this season a loss, a final 3 of Stanky, King, TPG doesn’t bode well.

Tequila Party Gnomes 127 – Coach Janky Spanky 106:

The model of consistency in the EFFL has pulled out another Monday night victory. TPG continues to roll with his power formation and is looking very strong at 6-2. I personally think this game was not won on the football field, but won with an impressive string of performances dressed as Count Chocula over the weekend. Word is he was out on the town spreading lies that Captain Crunch cuts the roof of your mouth! For some unknown reason, Yankme Spankme continues to employ the start Pylons castoffs strategy with unfavorable results. Although this was a semi-victorious week for EEB as the Redskins did not lose. We’ll see how this team responds after the Patriots were on a bye week. I can already envision EEB in the EFFL 20 years down the road… He will draft players past their prime who he refuses to believe are washed up and he will squeak out wins based on rookie success and white people.

I would also like to address the EEB trade policy. In the middle of trade talks I was told “I’m not making a trade unless I’m 100% sure I’m getting the better end of the deal.” This may be #1 among dumbest EFFL quotes in history. A little lesson in trading (not swindling yet that’s TRAD 201 in Smith 100, baby steps EEB). When teams of any level or profession reach a trading agreement, it’s usually because each team feels the return they are getting will better suit their franchise. People value players differently. There is no way you can possibly know 100% that you are getting the better end unless the other owner also knows 100%, in which case they wouldn’t even be making the deal. This league is far too proactive to sit back and try and avoid a risky move. Enjoy your first round exit if you make the playoffs. Also, saying a running back is not good because he’s only running through holes his offensive line creates makes no sense. I guess the good running backs are the ones who run through players to get yardage.

Stanky Monkeys 106 – The Jackson Five 93:

I’m just gonna come right out and say it. If you don’t make that trade with Chris you win this game. Holding Owen Daniels and trading Shockey proved to be an immediate disaster, but no need to panic with the Eyepatches on the horizon. Stanky Monkeys meanwhile again put up another mediocre week, and this time didn’t have any bye weeks to blame it on. Pretty sure this team is the opposite of nasty, whatever that word is. This proved to be an important win for Stanky as they move to within 1 game of a playoff spot. These two teams meet again Week 13, and it very well could be a do or die for at least one of these two. Not much to see in the Week 8 game of the week.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here’s what we’re looking at for Week 9. Personally I think this is the most exciting week thus far as there are some great rivalries and hugely significant games.

The King’s Crusaders (6-2) vs. Kiss Da Baby (5-3):

Word on the street is that there is gonna be some battle over the remote this week. While Sam will be whining for Jaguars-Chiefs, Chris will attempt to put his foot down to get Texans-Colts. In these teams last meeting, Chris unleashed 162 points of fury on Sam. Unnecessary considering her team was awful, but I don’t think anyone in the league didn’t enjoy that. In 6 games between these teams played before week 12, Sam is 0-6 and has only put up over 100 points one time. For the good of the league I will put my hatred of the King temporarily aside and pull for a victory here. The baby must be silenced.

Animals With Eyepatches (2-6) vs. The Jackson Five (2-6):

For the most part this is an elimination matchup. The loser of this game will probably have too much to overcome to make the playoffs. These teams have met 11 times and only twice have the Eyepatches broke 120 points. The Five have never done it. It’ll be interesting to see how the Five respond to another tough defeat, but I think this team has enough heart to overcome past losses. The Eyepatches are headed in the complete wrong direction as injuries and bye weeks have begun to take their toll. I think the Five take this one and get on track to make their playoff push.

Coach Janky Spanky (4-4) vs. Tweeting In The Trenches (5-3):

This is a painful matchup on paper. Both expansion teams could really make a statement this week with a victory. I also enjoy this matchup because EEB will certainly be torn over whether to root for his boy Roddy White or not. If Fusco really wanted to stick it to him, he’d throw Portis in his lineup. After all that smack talk saying how Portis is good, you would think he’d want to use him this week. Meanwhile CJS continues to employ LT while Tim Hightower sits on the bench and continues to put up superior numbers. Baffles me. I do think, however, that boom or bust EEB has a big week. With some favorable matchups I like Janky Spanky to put a hurtin on the TITTY.

Dueling Pylons (2-6) vs. Stanky Monkeys (3-5):

Now this is a rarity. Usually when these two teams square off it is for a first round bye or some other importance at the top of the standings. This time it’s to try and stay alive in the standings. This is without a doubt the biggest game in the regular season the Pylons have ever faced. Despite a couple of tough losses morale remains high and the team is determined. This matchup also marks the longest win streak amongst EFFL teams after the Pylons-Five streak was snapped earlier this season. I’m truly torn on this matchup. This has the feeling of a Pylons win, but I foresee this being a huge letdown game. And especially with Hines Ward on Monday night, this could be a Pylons heartbreaker. Look for Stanky to pull this one out in a close matchup and send the Pylons back to the draft board with his tail between his legs.

***** Game of the Week *****

Tequila Party Gnomes (6-2) vs. Johnson’s Farm (5-3):

I bring you this excerpt from the 2006 message board after the Gnomes had just lost their 7th straight game at the hands of Nick:

“Matt bought a $5 pizza from Little Caesars, and like its namesake, he was hot and ready for Ryan Longwell. Joy schmoozing with Pats fans quickly turned to dismay as Brad Johnson looked like a handicapped retard throwing arrows at an archery target. Despite the angst and frustration of the evening a Longwell field goal could have saved it. It was 4th and 11, and the kicking team stayed on the sideline. The loudest shriek in fantasy history was let out, and the Gnomes had lost 7 straight.”

It took the Gnomes 6 tries to take down the Philly Moron, but it was bound to happen eventually. In their past 4 meetings, each team has won 2. Each team has scored exactly 425 points. This is a game as much about pride as anything else. I would rank these teams 1 and 2 in no particular order as far as hatred for the King. It’ll be interesting to see if the Gnomes scour the waiver wire and try to find a little Johnson to shove down the throat of Gambino with Peterson on the bye. I believe Bryant of the Lions is available. Anyways this should be a pretty exciting matchup, and I actually like the Farm to take advantage of a weakened TPG squad and pull this one out.

Good luck to everyone this week. Be nice to the Pylons.

EFFL Power Rankings

by Chris Woody

1.) Tequila Party Gnomes (5-2) : Gnomes have the most points scored this season and thus achieve the top spot in the inaugural power rankings. The combination of Manning and Peterson could not get it done this week without the 2 TE lineup, but will prove to be a tough out come playoff time. Can distance themselves from the division with a win this week.

2.) Kiss Da Baby (5-2) : Back to Back 130+ weeks have the Baby flying high. The blockbuster trade this week helps to solidify the WR position which will receive a boost from the return of Anthony Gonzalez. Cedric Benson continues to shine and might go down as one of the best picks in EFFL history. This weeks matchup with Tweety will decide the division in my eyes.

3.) Coach Janky Spanky (4-3) : Talk about a turnaround. After being mocked and almost laughed out of the league through 3 weeks, this team has caught fire. What was thought by many to be a weak backfield has turned into one of the league's best with LT, Rice, and T. Jones leading the way. The schedule appears to be unkind to Spanky this week facing the top team without Brady and Welker. Even if they lose this week, they have to be pleased with a 4-4 mark after an 0-3 start.

4.) The King's Crusaders (5-2) : Even though the only losses this team has were a result of missed FGs, I am not impressed. This team continues to stockpile players that will go down as the biggest busts of the season. Jacobs, Jennings, Forte, Bush, Slaton all were thought to be premier fantasy talents this season and yet they continue to struggle. Despite 7 players from the 2008 team that went to the championship game, this team will be lucky to make the playoffs.

5.) Tweeting in the Trenches (4-3) : Despite trading their first round pick for Mike Bell and Run DMC, this team is somehow above .500 and two games up on the 7th seed. Having more Giants WRs than talented running backs isn't usually a winning strategy but it seems to be working for them. They must have been impressed with the Cardinals DST Sunday night against Eli and Co, as they were added immediately. With Austin Collie getting a start for them this week, watch out.

6.) Johnson's Farm (4-3) : They make this spot by default. They are the only team not ranked thus far with a winning record. For some reason this team still has Evans, Coles, Berrian, LJ, Texans DST, and McGahee (10 pts last 3 week...COMBINED) on their roster. They are only one game out of first and will probably make the playoffs, but I don't know how he does it.

7 though 10.) Everybody else (2-5) : I don't even know where to begin with this group of four. Each one is suffering from underachieving players, injuries, and bad luck. There really is not any difference between any of the four teams grouped at the bottom of the standings. Each owner has to be shaking their head each week and the losses pile up. The biggest surprise in this group has to be the Monkeys who still haven't recovered from passing on Peyton Manning. The reaction of disbelief when he found out he could have drafted Peyton and DeAngelo Williams instead of taking Williams and Matt Ryan is surely a top moment in league history. Meanwhile, the once mighty Pylons have found themselves injury riddled and left with more questions and answers. Each week the league is waiting for them to catch fire and it simply hasn't happened. Two of the three winningest franchises are a combined 4-10. Plenty of time to makeup for it, but the turnaround has to start this week.

Where's The Separation

I’m staring at this blank canvas like Eli Manning, with a dumbfounded and goofy ass look on my face. I’ve had the first line written for over an hour and could not come up with another thing to follow that up. It’s been that kind of season in the EFFL. Despite everything that has unfolded in the first 7 weeks, the highs and lows, the trash talk and the non-talk (JIMISH WHERE ARE YOU?), only 3 games separate first place and last place. With only 6 weeks to go, this thing is totally wide open. I think I’ve seen more luck this season than I ever have in the EFFL. Every team is so balanced that we could see multiple tiebreakers put into effect by the end of the season. Or at least I just keep telling myself this since my team is so brutally awful. Here’s what went down in Week 7:

The Jackson Five 128 – Dueling Pylons 109:

Finally the streak has been broken!! It took over 4 years, but the Five have finally defeated the Pylons and ended their 8 game losing streak in the series. The win could not have come at a bigger time as word broke throughout the week that management of the Five was considering a boycott. After back to back heartbreaking losses, they got the win they needed. Week 7 marked the 4th time that the Five have scored over 125 points this season, a feat which only TPG and the King can also lay claim to. This team has been scoring points and deserves a better fate than 2-5. I really see this as a 2nd half breakout team. As for the Pylons, poor coaching led to their demise in this one. You can’t leave that many points on the bench and expect to still win. Although a 55 point deficit on Monday night could not be overcome, the Pylons do appear to be showing signs of life and also could be a big 2nd half team. This team must stay healthy and make the correct lineup decisions if the playoffs want to remain a possibility.

Tweeting In the Trenches 96 – Animals With Eyepatches 88:

Sometimes this happens. Usually it’s Sam, but it appears Fusco is taking on this role in 2009. Score the 2nd lowest point total for the week and still pull out a victory. At 4-3, I still say this TITTY team is a fraud. This team has allowed 92 points or fewer in 4 of 7 games, all victories. To put this in perspective, listen to the following stat: In games scoring fewer than 100 points (3), Fusco is 2-1. TPG meanwhile has scored fewer than 100 27 times over the 5 EFFL seasons and has only won twice. This just simply does not happen. If there is any team in danger of blowing their 2 game lead to one of the 2-5 teams it’s this one. Jimish meanwhile tried to make a run Monday night with Santana Moss, but the injury to Brian Westbrook coupled with having multiple bye week players sealed the Eyepatches’ defeat this week. Although this team has been somewhat unfortunate, I believe this team does lack the true firepower to make a run at the championship. Also, Chris please charge your phone for Sundays so we can hear from you when your team continues to do terribly.

Coach Janky Spanky 127 – Johnson’s Farm 109:

This is an interesting matchup that I think could have some legs as a serious rivalry in the future. Although these owners have never met, both took it upon themselves to text me during the games Sunday. It wasn’t to bash the other owner, but instead it was to take jabs at me. These are the two worst trash talkers in league history and both of these teams rely on bad players and overvaluing them to succeed. Enough about that; let’s look at the big picture here. Both of these teams stand tall at 4-3. Both are 2 games ahead of the 7th place team for a playoff spot. Johnson’s Farm is a middle of the pack squad at best. Putting up 110 points every week isn’t going to win you anything honestly. Winning 3 of your last 5 while being no better than 4th high score for a week is incredibly fortunate. Coach Janky Spanky is an enigma to me. This is the definition of a boom or bust team. Scores have been all over the board, and it may be difficult to make a championship run and putting together 3 solid weeks in a row. This is definitely a playoff team in my mind, but I would like to see some more consistency.

The King’s Crusaders 146 – Tequila Party Gnomes 130:

This may have been the most ridiculous fantasy football game in the technological era. I really don’t think either team wanted to win this game. The final score in this game was really King 4 – TPG 2, with each team conceding that number of times. It must be frustrating to see a 130 point effort go to waste, but TPG has to love the Manning/Peterson combo. Over these teams’ last 3 regular season meetings, neither team has scored fewer than 129 points. Clearly this is one of the most intense rivalries in the league. Both of these teams should be playoff squads, but it is a little curious to me that after putting up 146 points the King would make 2 trades. This game was up in the air and the Eagles defense came through for the King on Monday night. It could very well be these two teams battling it out for the division come season’s end, and after splitting the season series total points scored would decide it.

Kiss Da Baby 140 – Stanky Monkeys 106:

Like Janky Spanky, Kiss Da Baby has become a hit or miss team. Even without MJD, week 7 was a huge success and a big stepping stone for Baby. Finally defeating Lou for the first time in 3 years has to be a great feeling and a turning of the tide in the EFFL and certainly leaves the Monkeys scratching their heads. Stanky has now lost 5 of 6 and is completely reeling. If not for the week 6 explosion, this team would be in enormous trouble. Having Larry Fitzgerald and DeAngelo Williams is nice, but the supporting cast has to be one of the weakest, if not the weakest, in the league. I really think this team is coming close to breaking. I have never received more commentary from Lou during a week than in Week 7 in my life. This indicates to me a concerned owner. He likened his squad to the Eagles, except the Eagles are actually winning. Baby meanwhile sits at 5-2, and although is 8th in points scored, still looks to be in great shape to be there in the playoffs when all bets are off. Allowing 80 fewer points against than all teams except Janky Spanky is quite fortunate, but Sam has taken advantage of the opportunities her team has had, which is what this game is all about


***** Week 8 Preview *****

Tequila Party Gnomes (5-2) vs. Coach Janky Spanky (4-3):

This is an intriguing matchup. Janky Spanky has really gotten back into the mix relying upon the Brady/Welker combo. With them on a bye this week, this will be a true test of where EEB stands in the EFFL. Can Ray Rice stay productive against the undefeated Broncos? Can Vincent Jackson shine against Nnamdi Asomugha? It’s easy for Janky Spanky to say that this is a tough week matchup wise and with the byes, but in the heat of a playoff race you need to pull out all the stops to win. These are the games that separate the men from the boys. And personally, I think that EEB is just a little boy. TPG’s Colts are going to spleege all over the 49ers on the way to a blowout victory. TPG wants revenge for being the first team to lose to SpankMe. I’m fully on board the TPG train. Let’s do this.

Kiss Da Baby (5-2) vs. Tweeting In the Trenches (4-3):

Combined these teams are 4 games over .500. In the breakdown, these teams combined are 16 games under .500. The luckiest of the lucky square off, and yet again one team will walk away with a victory. I also think this is the best matchup in the EFFL as far as matchups. It’s like a Jay Leno newspaper segment. This is the BABY-TITTY wedding. In their last meeting, TITTY pulled out a thrilling 101-92 victory asserting themselves as a league powerhouse. This is actually a huge game in the evens division. If Sam can win this game, she will be 2 games up on Chris and at least 3 games up on every other team in the division with 5 to play. If Fusco wins, he takes over first place in the division due to a sweep of the season series. Each team faces some significant bye week losses this week, so this is sure to be another low scoring week for both teams. Fusco has taken advantage of low scoring opponents in the past and I think this is no exception. Look for the Trenches to take this one.

Animals With Eyepatches (2-5) vs. Johnson’s Farm (4-3):

One of the Eyepatches two victories came back in week 4 against Johnson’s Farm. These two teams are separated by 8 points scored for the season. In their last 4 meetings only 4 points separates these teams. Both teams are pretty even, and both have been pretty poor the last 2 weeks. This is a must win game for the Eyepatches. They will either move within 1 game with 5 to play or fall 3 behind the Farm with 5 to play. I know that Nick does not wanna lose this game. Having his full complement of players has to be exciting, but how long will this team of scrubs hold up? Having Kevin Smith and Tron back against the Rams has to be exciting and have the Farm shivering. This could come down to Drew Brees Monday night, but I think Jimish will have this one locked up by then. After Jimish, the Johnson’s Farm schedule is TPG, King, Pylons, TPG, TITTY. That is an absolute gauntlet, and this is a game that will really let the EFFL know if Nick is for real. I don’t think he is and I like the Eyepatches in this one.

Dueling Pylons (2-5) vs. The King’s Crusaders (5-2):

The Pylons have their first 3 game losing streak since 2006. This is a team in desperate need of a win. What better way to get the train going than seeing Steven Jackson facing the Lions. The Pylons are also extremely excited about the Eagles-Giants matchup. Donovan McNabb in his career has 20 TDs against 5 INTs against the Giants. Historically the Pylons have also dominated the King culminating in the last two victories where the Pylons put up 150 points in each matchup. The King, however, has scored over 200 more points than the Pylons this season and is looking like the much stronger team. They have scored more points than the Pylons in 6 out of 7 weeks thus far. Chris conceded this game to me last Thursday I believe prior to week 7. I think this game is for real though, and I believe this will be the highest scoring affair of week 8. Newly acquired Jeremy Shockey could come into play Monday night, but I think the Pylons will have built too big a lead by then to overcome.

***** Game of the Week *****

Stanky Monkeys (2-5) vs. The Jackson Five (2-5):

This is a must win for both teams. Losing this game will just make it that much more difficult to sneak back into the playoffs. For some reason Lou continues to start TO. He’s a Buffalo Bill. I guess it doesn’t really matter when your opponent is also starting a Buffalo Bill in Marshawn Lynch. This is a fantasy wasteland. Monday night will be tense for both teams as Matt Ryan and Tony Gonzalez look to outdo Michael Turner. The Five have won 3 of 4 against Stanky, and for the most part the Monkeys have failed to show up against BG. After winning in week 1, each team has lost 5 of 6. These teams will also meet in week 13, but this game is a huge step in reaching the playoffs. The game with the most at stake is the game of the week for a reason. I’m on the J5 bandwagon and I think they come out firing this week. Having Romo and Roy Williams against the Seahawks will be huge. Look for the Five to stay alive.

That’s it for this week. We’re getting close to the playoffs so look for some playoff previews and analysis in the coming weeks. Good luck in week 8.