Tuesday, December 15, 2020

Insane Round 1 of the EFFL Playoffs


It is hard to justify with words the thrilling Wild Card round in the EFFL. The 3 games were separated by a mere 16 points combined. 2 of the 3 had lead changes in the final 2 minutes of the Monday night game.

I'll admit it. I chugged a beer with EEB at midnight. It was absolutely ridiculous. There's no point in talking about anything other than the Monday night game. All 3 games were still in play heading into Monday. 3 teams could do nothing but sit and hope their leads held on. For Fusco, he had enough to get it done. BG got within 10 on the final drive, but could not get any closer. It was a valiant effort for a team that just could not get over the hump this season.

The other two matchups were wildly different scenarios. The Pylons were down 34 points to Pork Chop Express with just Lamar Jackson left. A monumental task on Monday night. Ouch! My Hamstringy! was down just 5 points, needing that total from Justin Tucker to eliminate King.

Things started off well for the trailing teams. Lamar rips off a rushing TD in the first quarter. Lamar scores a second rushing TD just before halftime. The Pylons cut a 34 point lead to just 13 at the break. 3 Justin Tucker extra points has EEB down 2. Cheeks are being clenched everywhere (more to come on this shortly).

The second half begins... Lamar breaks loose again for a 44 yard run. Pylons immediately within 8. A 2nd Gus Edwards TD with an extra point pulls EEB to within 1. ESPN win probability now has the Pylons at 69% after being at just 1% going into the game.

The Ravens get the ball back and Lamar misses a wide open Andrews for what would've been a 50 yard TD. Would've given BG life. May have given EEB the win. Baker immediately follows that up with a pick that gets brought all the way down to the 1. Is it Lamar? No. JK Dobbins this time. Thanks TPG. But EEB is on the brink. Just needs the extra point, and it's BLOCKED. Only the 4th missed extra point of his career. Prior to that, he made 99.1% of his extra points. We move on. 4 minutes left in the 3rd quarter.

The Browns then begin to drive. Lisa Salters buzzes Levy in the booth. "We're keeping an eye on this, but Lamar Jackson has not been on the Ravens sideline for this entire Browns drive." Then the video emerges... we've all done this run. It's an unmistakable "get out of my way now!" run. They claim he's cramping. Whatever. Maybe stomach cramps.



The Browns finally score, but when the Ravens take the field... Trace McSorley. Lamar is nowhere to be seen. They're still winning 34-28 and there's still 13 minutes left in the game. OK. Immediate 3 and out following Hollywood Brown's 3rd drop of the game (brown is clearly a theme here).

Browns score another TD. 35-34 Cleveland. Pylons still down 6. EEB down 1. Now only 6 minutes left in the game. Browns kickoff again. And out trots... Trace McSorley. At this point, Lamar has been gone for at least a half hour in real time. Possibly more like 45 minutes. This time the Ravens are at least moving the ball a bit. Run after run.

At this point, I'll be honest... I had to turn it off. I was done with Lamar. Banished from any future fantasy team because he couldn't get off the toilet. I had to change the mojo.

The two minute warning is approaching. The Ravens have 3rd & 2 at the Browns 41. McSorley tries to run and tears his ACL. Just shreds his knee. He's done. The two minute warning hits, the Ravens have 4th & 5 and are too far to kick.

They come back from commercial and here comes Lamar. Finally wiped his ass after almost an hour and he's got one play to keep the Ravens alive. He drops back, rolls, throws and finds Hollywood Brown streaking down the center of the field. Brown's streaking 20-10-5-TOUCHDOWN!!!! Ravens take the lead. Pylons 159 - Pork Chop Express 159. As it stands, the Pylons go through on a tiebreaker. But the game is not over. And EEB is also still down a point, but the Ravens go for 2!!! And they get it.



EEB is now firmly on the hot seat. Less than 2 minutes left. If the Ravens stop the Browns, the game is over and Woody advances. First play, Baker finds Donovan Peoples-Jones (Peoples helping peoples) for 30 yards. Juice for 7. Kareem Hunt for 16. Then Kareem Hunt AGAIN for a 22 yard TD. 4 plays, 75 yards, 47 seconds. EEB needs Cody Parkey to hit after missing 2 kicks already, but he delivers. Ravens 42 - Browns 42.

1:04 left to play. EEB down 1. Pylons-PCE level. The Pylons need Lamar to not turn the ball over at this point and you know he's coming out throwing. Hits Andrews for 14. Hits Andrews again for 14 more. Pylons up 1. Still can't have a turnover. Snead for 6. Andrews for 4 and a ball spike. 7 seconds left. Pylons up 2 (and likely clear at this point). EEB STILL down 1. Been down 1 since the 2nd half started.

It's a 55 yard field goal for Justin Tucker to send King and the Browns packing. The kick is up.. AND IT'S GOOD!!!! Woody made it 59 minutes and 58 seconds through the Monday night game before finally succumbing to Hamstringy! Ravens 45 - Browns 42.

But the fun doesn't end there. The Browns, in a desperate attempt to run a trick play and keep hope alive.. lateral, after lateral, after lateral. The play is going on for 20 seconds. And then it happens.. someone throws a backwards pass WAYYYY too far backwards. The ball goes into the end zone, and Jarvis Landry is tackled holding the ball in the end zone. Safety. Ravens 47 - Browns 42 final. While it had no bearing on the outcome of the game, the line was Ravens -3.5. Guess who had Browns +3.5? Ben Lobitz.

EEB and I FaceTimed. We chugged a beer with each other. It was an emotional rollercoaster. Here we are hugging after the game.



Tweeting in the Trenches 138 - Team BG 128

Dueling Pylons 161 - Pork Chop Express 159

Ouch! My Hamstringy! 110 - The King's Crusaders 106

Pylons-PCE was the 2nd highest scoring game in EFFL Playoffs history. In 2014, Tatz beat Lou in the Wild Card round 195-171. I don't know that score will ever be topped.

And I'm here for all of the Lamar memes. Any and all. I can't get enough. He insists he was cramping. Everyone knows the truth. Came back from bubble guts to deliver the game winning strike. This will forever be known as the Lamar poop game.




Week 15 Preview

This is one of the few years where I feel like nobody has gotten super lucky. The 4 teams still in are 4 of the top 5 teams in scoring from the season. Each team has looked very strong at various points in the season. Whoever wins will be deserving. All 4 teams this week are currently projected between 125 and 132 points. Doesn't get closer than that.


#1. Philly Peppers v. #7 Ouch! My Hamstringy!

Peppers missed out on all the fun in the Wild Card round. He's been peppering the GroupMe with puns trying to stay relevant since locking up the #1 seed after Week 12. The only thing that really mattered was staying healthy, which he managed to do. There may be some rust, but I think Peppers is ready to go. Waller and Herbert should get him out to a lead Thursday. This one could again come down to Monday night with Eric "EEBron" Brooking the last man standing. I think it's a close one here. Peppers has been good all season.

Commish's Pick: Philly Peppers


#4. Tweeting in the Trenches v. #6 Dueling Pylons

Have to worry about the Pylons hangover here, but the Pylons did win when these two teams met earlier in the season. Both teams could be in for another slugfest. DUPY has not forgotten their only appearance in the title game. It was back in 2013, when TITTY won its second title on his way to a 3-Peat (which certainly should've been a 4-Peat). You just don't forget these things. Nothing you can do here. This game is truly a toss up. Both teams have good matchups. It would be a shame to waste that Week 14 Lamar performance. I'll take the QB who has done it multiple times in the EFFL

Commish's Pick: Tweeting in the Trenches


It's going to be tough to top the Wild Card round, but there are two huge games in the semis. I'd certainly be surprised to see either of these games not be close. Good luck to the Final Four!


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Wednesday, December 2, 2020

Week 12 - 6 Days Later

 


Well, it's Groundhog Day again. I blog to you on Tuesday night. We don't know when Week 12 will end. It could be Wednesday. It could be Week 12 for the rest of eternity. The NFL will simply not put the Ravens out of their misery.

I'm going right into the beef. And it will be beefy.

The season is in the shitter. I think people don't really care any more. Teams are being forced to use ridiculous players, play on ridiculous days. Ben Lobitz actually made a coherent statement for the first time in years.

How could the NFL not have seen this coming? They had examples to refer to. They had success stories and failures. On one hand, you had the NBA and NHL. They locked their players in a bubble and were successful in keeping players healthy and getting the games played.

On the other hand, you had Major League Baseball's close your eyes and hope for the best proposal. Teams were getting shut down left and right. Games were being limited to 7 innings. The Marlins played 28 games in 24 days just to fit games in. A World Series champion decided he was going to put all of his teammates at risk to celebrate. NFL players didn't want a bubble. You can't really fault them for that. Training camp plus the season, including playoffs, is 6 months.

The big problem with the NFL is they didn't take advantage of playing sooner. Can't mess with the tradition of the Super Bowl champ playing the Thursday after Labor Day or Hard Knocks in August! Everyone knew a second wave was coming. Everyone knew vaccines don't go from R&D to mass distribution in 4 months.

But the NFL didn't care. Their solution was fine teams, delay games, make teams forfeit draft picks. That's not a way to address a pandemic. Nobody is actively trying to get the virus. Most people that transmit it don't know they have it (unless you're a scumbag like Justin Turner). One Broncos QB gets it, the guys eat lunch, and they're made an example out of by being forced to play a practice squad WR. No game delay. It's your fault for getting it, not us.

The NFL should've shortened the season, started earlier, and done a playoff bubble (and delayed the 14 team expansion until next year). And it's going to continue to get worse, not better. The NFL protocols don't stop the transmission. Sorry Roger Goodell. Do they reduce them, sure. Do they stop them, not a chance. But as is frequently the case, no accountability. It's all about TV money, and it doesn't matter who pays.


Anyway... the EFFL moves on. I wanted to re-post the payouts. Again, I apologize for not posting these before. No changes to prior years.

1st - $1100
2nd - $500
3rd/4th - $150 each
Highest Points - $150
2nd Highest Points - $50


Playoffs Update

As long as the NFL continues, so do we. For teams who do not make the playoffs, no transactions are allowed after Week 13.

Also, any players added from Week 13 on cannot be kept next season.


Clinched

* 1. Philly Peppers (10-1-1)

I don't recall if this is a first, but Philly Peppers locking up the first round bye in Week 12 is awful impressive. Only one heroic league member had the balls to knock him off this year. Not much else to say here. See you in Week 15 for the inevitable collapse.

* 2. The King's Crusaders (9-3)

Locked into the 2/3 line. A win or Pork Chop Express loss gets you the 2 seed.

* 3. Pork Chop Express (9-3)

Without a win and King loss, you'll be the 3 seed. Need a win and King loss to get the 2.

* 4. Tweeting in the Trenches (7-4-1)

Remarkably locked into the 4 seed. Don't think a 4 seed has ever been locked into this slot before week 13.


Win and In

5. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (6-6)

If you win, you'll be the 5 seed and play Fusco in the Wild Card round. In the best shape of all the 6-6 or worse teams. Has the most points. Could certainly still get in with a loss. Wins over the Pylons, Gambino, Mike Y, Cutter, and the Pylons give you the tiebreak in basically every scenario. The only way you miss out is with a loss, BG win, Pylons win, and Dosh win.

6. Team BG (6-6)

6th seed. 6-6. I don't know if this is good news, but may as well throw $25 on 6. Playoffs start for you this week. Despite sitting in 6th, if you lose, you're out. A loss to Gambino means you cannot pass him. He's ahead of you in points and would have head-to-head. You also cannot pass EEB with a loss. And you will not be able to pass one of the Pylons/Dosh with a loss. If you do win, you'll either be the 5 or 6 seed. You cannot be the 7.

7. Dueling Pylons (6-6)

A win gets the job done. Can be seeded anywhere from 5 to 7. A loss is also not the end of the world. Would need one of Dosh or BG to also lose, and the Pylons could get in via points. If this team is 6-7, as many other teams as possible at 6-7 is ideal.


Win and Need Help

8. Cash Me Out Wide (6-6)

A valiant effort in defeating Mike Y. The league appreciates all you've done. If you win, you only need one of EEB, BG, Pylons to lose and you're in. There is actually a path for you to get in at 6-7 as well. If you lose, you'd need: BG win, Pylons win, Cutter loss, EEB loss. The EEB loss does seem the most unlikely, but there is still a path.

9. Geno 911 (5-7)

Very much alive and just dropped 195 points on Lou. Heartless. You must defeat BG. You'll put his season to bed. You then need one of Cash Me Out Wide / Pylons to lose. Doesn't matter which. Lastly, you need either Mike Y to lose, or if he wins, have Cutter also win. It would not be surprising at all to see this team in the playoffs. If you do get in, you'll likely be the 7 unless your team goes insane again.

10. Bo$$town Cutter (5-7)

Big win over Fusco. You know he wanted that one. We've got tiebreakers! You know you must first win. You beat CMOW, DUPY, BG, and Mike Y. That's big. You're low on points, so you need that head-to-head. You need: BG to defeat Geno 911. It must happen. It will lock him into the playoffs, but it must be done. There is also no circumstance where you can pass EEB.

So you're coming after the Pylons. Which is fine. I'll take your bullis. You need the Pylons to lose. You also need either EEB to win or Pylons to not outscore EEB by 48. Last, you need Dosh to lose. It's doable. If you get in, you'll be the 7.

  • Win
  • BG defeats Geno 911
  • Pylons lose
  • Cash Me Out Wide lose

11. The Old Ball Sack (5-7)

When I said a loss against Dosh would be devastating, I meant it. You're in serious trouble. Your list is longer, but also not impossible. You beat BG, Pylons, Geno 911, so that's who you need to end up in a tiebreak with. If Dosh or Cutter get into the mix at 6-7, you're toast. Likewise, if you get in, you'd be the 7.
  • Win
  • Geno 911 defeats BG
  • Pylons lose
  • Cash Me Out Wide win
  • Cutter lose

We bid thee farewell

x. 12. Tequila Party Gnomes (4-8) - Happy Thanksgiving. Hope you enjoy the stuffing the Pylons gave you. What an asshole the commish is. At least you were lubed up. Injuries were brutal this year. You'll be back. Former champions always are.


Week 13 Matchups

I think we've hit on every game thus far, but here it is:

Dueling Pylons v. The King's Crusaders
Cash Me Out Wide v. Philly Peppers
Stanky Monkeys v. Tequila Party Gnomes
Pork Chop Express v. Bo$$town Cutter
Ouch! My Hamstringy! v. Street Pigeons
Geno 911 v. Team BG
Tweeting in the Trenches v. The Old Ball Sack

As usual, I'll post the playoff spreadsheet where you can track scores and see who's in / out. Good luck to everyone in Week 13. 

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Tuesday, November 24, 2020

Final Two Weeks - Hot Sizzle

 


I don't know how you cut this man. He drove a stake through the heart of Aaron Rodgers. Good enough for me. And he was already my hero. 



Apparently he goes by 'BLANKO' in the hood. I'm not gonna lie... I did the Jay-Z head bob. This kinda bangs.

Also, I REALLY wish I had known Mike McCarthy decided to bring a sledgehammer on his private plane and smash a Watermelon like Gallagher before playing the Vikings. I never would've picked them in Survivor. You don't smash a watermelon with a mallet and then go out and lose. Don't think it's ever happened in the history of the world. I need the footage.

Beef of the Week: New Or-lee-ins Saints

First Taysom Hill. Everyone was mad enough that ESPN decided to leave this guy eligible at TE despite playing QB. DraftKings did it also. My account balance was not mad. But what is this guy doing? Just peppered Michael 'Slant' Thomas with 5 yard targets and ran for a couple scores? Does anyone think this guy is actually good? He's not good.

Also, I don't know how Drew Brees dealt with 11 rib fractures and a collapsed lung. I slept in pain for 2 weeks with 3. Dude's not coming back any time soon.

Lastly, I do not understand how the NFL has not yet taken a draft pick from the Saints for repeated violations of mask protocol. Every single week the coaching staff is screaming things with uncovered faces. Is this team immune from everything? What does Payton have on Goodell?


EFFL News

We have a few housekeeping items to get to.

First, the trade deadline is apparently November 27th at 3 AM. That's Thanksgiving night. Weird. I don't know how or why that's the case, but I will not change rules mid-season.

Second, as we've cleared the COVID rules for 2020, each team will be in for the full $150 league fee. Please do not pay yet. After the conclusion of the season, I'll sort things out and let you know where to direct your BitCoin.


Week 11 produced a lot of drama. Most notably, TPG fighting for his playoffs life against EEB in a Monday night showdown. Cooper Kupp ripped off 12 points on the first drive. A response from Bobby Trees pulled TPG back in front. The two continued to trade blows. Italian Chef Leonardo Fournette punched in a short Touchdown all but sealing Ouch! My Hamstringy!'s fate. Done in by my owna meatball!

No other games were that close, so let's get to the playoff picture.


Playoffs

4 teams have locked up a spot in the playoffs. Philly Peppers, The King's Crusaders, Pork Chop Express, and Tweeting in the Trenches are in. Peppers currently has a half game lead at 9-1-1 (somebody call 911! shorty fire burnin on the dance floor). King at 9-2 might be one of the most embarrassing things I've seen to date, and he's still in play for the bye. It does look like it'll be Peppers or King getting the top seed.

At the other end of the spectrum, only Street Pigeons have been eliminated. Stanky Monkeys hold on by a thread, and although not mathematically eliminated, unless they score 600 points to win a 6-way tie, it's not going to happen this year.

Locks
1. Philly Peppers (9-1-1)
2. The King's Crusaders (9-2)
3. Pork Chop Express (8-3)
4. Tweeting in the Trenches (7-3-1)

In Good Shape
5. Team BG (6-5) - The only team at 6-5. One win should be enough, but a lot of other teams are in play.


The Bubble
6. Ouch! My Hamstringy (5-6) - EEB has a couple things going for him. Beat the Pylons, beat Mike Y, beat BG, superior point total. That means he still controls his own destiny. Two wins and you're in.

7. Dueling Pylons (5-6) - While the Pylons would be in the playoffs if it ended today, the Pylons have lost to BG, EEB, Mike Y, Gambino, and Cutter. Beating Peppers and TITTY is great until you get into a tiebreak situation. The Pylons do have a good point total, so will either need to be clear at 7-6, or wind up in a multi-team tie involving Dosh somehow. If Mike Y beats Dosh this week, the Pylons could be in trouble.

8. The Old Ball Sack (5-6) - Conversely, Mike Y is not in bad shape. The win over the Pylons and BG help in tiebreak scenarios. As a result, this team also controls its own destiny. Two wins, and there is no scenario in which this team can be out, due to the Pylons not having a tiebreak over anybody. A loss this week to Dosh will be absolutely devastating.

9. Cash Me Out Wide (5-6) - While currently on the outside looking in, there's still hope. Must dust off Mike Y this week. Taking out EEB in an 85-83 slugfest probably won't come into play since he's got superior points and likely to be a multiple team tie. At 6-7, it's going to be real tough for this team to get in via points, unless the final two weeks are monster weeks.

10. Geno 911 (4-7) - It's possible a 6-7 team could get in. It's possible the 5 seed could be 6-7. Decent point total, but it'll probably have to be head-to-head that gets you in. At 6-7 you'd pick up a win over BG, and have a win over TPG. That could be enough. Things would have to break your way, but still very much alive.

11. Tequila Party Gnomes (4-7) - This team was 0-6 and left for dead. After a DP of EEB and Mike Y, TPG is hot. Winners in 4 of 5. Wins over Dosh, Mike Y, Cutter, EEB, Pylons would give you a lot of head-to-head tiebreakers. If you get to 6-7, I think there's a real chance you get in.

12. Bo$$town Cutter (4-7) - Not looking good for a repeat. Only team playing 2 of the top 4 in both of the final 2 weeks. Beat Dosh, Pylons, Mike Y, BG, so there are definitely some tiebreak scenarios like TPG, but the points are so low, you're going to need a LOT of things to break your way. Again, totally possible it happens, but you need some help.


No Mas

13. Stanky Monkeys (3-8) - Can get to 5-8 at best. A 5-8 team could get in in one scenario, but it won't be you. Seriously need like 600 points in the last 2 weeks and all 14 games to break your way. It's not happening.


The general consensus for most of the bubble teams is get EEB out of here. If he loses, it opens up possibilities for so many teams. He's the catalyst.


Week 12 Preview

Dueling Pylons (5-6) v. Tequila Party Gnomes (4-7) - This is a big one. Could be an elimination game for both teams. Pylons are spiraling. TPG is crowning. This should be another slugfest all weekend. Both teams are highly motivated to get another notch on their belt.

Bo$$town Cutter (4-7) v. Tweeting in the Trenches (7-3-1) - Think this could be it for Cutter. Needs it to stay realistically alive. TITTY must have this to stay alive for the bye.

Cash Me Out Wide (5-6) v. The Old Ball Sack (5-6) - This is probably the biggest game this week. One of these teams is going to get a huge leg up to make the playoffs, and the loser will need a lot of help. I know both of these teams have had this matchup circled on the calendar for awhile. Game of the week right here.

Ouch! My Hamstringy! (5-6) v. The King's Crusaders (9-2) - Another game both teams really want. EEB can see the playoffs with a win while Woody likely needs this to stay alive for the bye. Classic matchup here. Can't wait for it.

Team BG (6-5) v. Philly Peppers (9-1-1) - Peppers holds the cards for the first round bye. Win 2 and it's yours. Meanwhile, BG can keep his lead on the pack with a win. A loss throws Team BG into the mix with a ton of other terrible teams.

Stanky Monkeys (3-8) v. Geno 911 (4-7) - Geno needs this to stay alive, although hopes are slim. A Stanky Monkeys win will also just about eliminate Geno.

Pork Chop Express (8-2-1) v. Street Pigeons (2-9) - Probably the game with the least at stake this week. But PCE should win points, so if he ends up tied with Peppers, he still could get the bye. This would be a monumental upset.


I hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving. I'm looking forward to turkey and lots and lots of booze. There may be an EFFL Zoom at some point during the day.
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Wednesday, November 11, 2020

Zero Chill

 


I think we can all agree that the league is better off when the Tequila Party Gnomes are out here causing a ruckus. He may not field a competitive team, but you can say with certainty that the trash talking will not be topped. I don't know if you get gold like "I creampied Mike Y" from any other league member. Frankly, I can't believe most of the stuff that comes out of his mouth. Where does he get the nerve?!?!?

But I love it. I can't get enough. And if you haven't been paying attention, TPG is the only team in the league sporting a W3. This has definitely been one of the more interesting years I can remember. We're very top heavy, but even at the bottom, the cut line for the playoffs could be low. I think it's possible at least one 6-7 team gets in the playoffs. Don't count yourself out yet.


Beef of the Week: Frank Reich

It's rare that I take umbrage with a coach who does not directly negatively impact me. I'm selfish. I know that. But what Frank Reich did was inexcusable. Jonathan Taylor was fighting for extra yards with 3 guys on top of him. As he's going to the ground he gets the ball punched out. He's so big and strong that he needed 3 guys to bring him down. Had that been me, I'd have fallen and fractured 3 ribs immediately. On the ensuing fumble return, Philip Rivers did this:



I mean... come ahn. Was Rivers benched? No. Taylor never saw the field again. The Colts lost a game they needed 24-10. What point was made? If you lose a fumble, I'm going to play someone who's clearly inferior? It doesn't work. Tell the guy off and let him get back to work. Grow up.


EFFL News

Interesting Week 9 we had. EEB showed BG a total lack of respect after BG opened his doors and his heart. Jakobi Meyers 28 points on Monday night? Give me a break!! BG had a 15 point lead against Meyers and didn't even come close. Huge win for EEB though.

TITTY and DUPY had a classic battle. It only took 9 weeks, but the Pylons finally have a 2 game winning streak. And they're over TITTY and Peppers. This one does feel a bit lucky, but a win is a win. The Pylons are asserting themselves as a Beta in this league. Look out.

And Woody just keeps on winning. I don't know how he does it. Every week his opponent scores less than 90 points. He's quietly taking care of business.

Peppers responded to his first defeat with an annihilation of Pige. I don't know what he's got against the Atallian family, but he's now scored 339 points in 2 games against the two.


Week 10 Preview

Ouch! My Hamstringy! (4-5) v Dueling Pylons (5-4)
Huge game here. Both teams must be feeling good about where they're at. ESPN likes Hamstringy! as much as any team in the league this week. Pylons are a bit shorthanded. Wouldn't be surprised to see both of these teams emerge 5-5.

Tweeting in the Trenches (6-2-1) v The King's Crusaders (7-2)
Battle among the top 4 teams in the league. I don't know that the King is going to get away with another pathetic opposing effort. Gut check time. Two Giants fans lamenting about Daniel Dimes. This should be fun.

Pork Chop Express (7-2) v Philly Peppers (7-1-1)
Game of the week here. This could be huge in determining the bye. If Peppers pulls this out, he's in the driver's seat. I think this could definitely go either way. Also could be looking at a preview of the title game.

Team BG (4-5) v Tequila Party Gnomes (3-6)
I can say with certainty, if you're BG, this is not what you want to see. TPG's lineup sitting here on Wednesday projected at 72 points. W3. McCaffrey potentially shut down. But TPG is hot. Think this could surprise as a good game. Michael Thomas might show up once this season.

Stanky Monkeys (2-7) v Street Pigeons (2-7)
This is pretty much an elimination game. I can't imagine a team getting into the playoffs with 8 losses. I do think running the table could get one of these teams in, but it's a longshot. Definitely feel like these teams have underachieved this season.

Geno 911 (4-5) v Cash Me Out Wide (4-5)
It's always fun to guess when Dosh is going to write "SMH" or "FML" in the GroupMe. This past Sunday it was at 1:27 PM. Gambino is hanging tough. Both teams would love to get this win and get back to .500. Could be huge for the playoff push.

Bo$$town Cutter (3-6) v The Old Ball Sack (4-5)
Another game with 2 teams desperate for a win. Mike is currently clinging to the final playoff spot. Cutty might finally be getting healthy. But too little, too late? Perhaps you can also deliver a baby similar to TPG.


Power Rankings

14. Street Pigeons (2-7) - Last week: 13
13. Stanky Monkeys (2-7) - Last week: 12
12. Bo$$town Cutter (3-6) - Last week: 9
11. Cash Me Out Wide (4-5) - Last week: 6
10. Geno 911 (4-5) - Last week: 11
9. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-6) - Last week: 14
8. The Old Ball Sack (4-5) - Last week: 8
7. Team BG (4-5) - Last week: 7
6. Dueling Pylons (5-4) - Last week: 10
5. The King's Crusaders (7-2) - Last week: 4
4. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (4-5) - Last week: 5
3. Pork Chop Express (7-2) - Last week: 2
2. Philly Peppers (7-1-1) - Last week: 3
1. Tweeting in the Trenches (6-2-1) - Last week: 1

Still like TITTY the best. Still think he's the favorite. Good luck to everyone in Week 10!

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Sunday, October 18, 2020

Season in Disarray, Commish Nowhere to be Found

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Wednesday, September 30, 2020

I'll Have Another Claw

 


Sunday was a doozy. On the eve of Yom Kippur, the Commish tried to get in one final sin before atoning for the prior year. That did not work out... at all. So what else is a league member to do?!? Mango and Black Cherry claw to the face. Over and over. I found an opened and undrunk Mango in a room upstairs a day later. The football was bad, but the drinks were flowing.

What in the world was up with the 1 PM slate on Sunday. The 1 PM games have been bad. Very bad. Browns/Football Team, Giants/49ers, Texans/Steelers, Eagles/Bengals. The lowest of the low all at the same time. The league is already trying to shove horrible games down your throat on Thursday. I really think they should move the horrible games back to Monday night. Nobody wants to stay up til midnight anymore watching these games. Half the league doesn't even stay up until kickoff.


But now, on Tuesday, it's finally happened. The first COVID case has struck the Tennessee Titans. And of course, nobody cares at all about the actual players and coaches. Only how will this affect my fantasy team. I think that's the right approach. We could end up with Tuesday games. Morning games. Who knows!

I did see some funny stuff this week, and I do feel bad that my Twitter game hasn't been on point. That's what happens with no fans. No drunks. No fights. No hand jobs from a stripper at a Dolphins tailgate. Sad times. At least we have Big Dick Nick back. He deserves to start. In Philly.

We had a classic DK bonehead play


We had Kyler impressing:


It turned out to be a not so bad Sunday, all things considered.

Also, LOL Kalen Ballage



Beef of the Week: Doug Pederson

Playing for a tie against the Bengals. Nothing else needs to be said.


Power Rankings

I think I have a good pulse on the state of the league. The rankings are fair. Don't expect much movement this week!


14. Stanky Monkeys (0-3) - Last week: 13
Last in points. Taking on water via injuries. I wish I had a more optimistic outlook, but until Julio and Le'Veon get back, this team is in some trouble.

13. Geno 911 (1-2) - Last week: 14
Immediately regretting a trade with the Pylons. A tale as old as time. At least you didn't give up anything good either. Huge comeback with Tyreek Hill to pick up a much needed victory.

12. Dueling Pylons (1-2) - Last week: 12
Another disappointing performance. The Pylons have yet to do anything noteworthy in 2020 and are still left searching for answers. Perhaps a matchup with Dosh will cure what ails.

11. Bo$$town Cutter (1-2) - Last week: 11
Same comments as last week. Very strong at the RB position, but still something to be desired at receiver. I think if you made a trade or two you'd start to climb. For now, this is fair.

10. Tequila Party Gnomes (0-3) - Last week: 10
0-3 can't be what TPG imagined this season. Just going to need to ride out the storm until CMC gets back. A matchup with Gambino might just be the ticket. In an embattled relationship with Hammy Watkins. Needs to regain the upper hand.

9. The Old Ball Sack (1-2) - Last week: 10
After getting flogged by EEB, got waxed yet again by Woody. This team's in some trouble. There are a number of teams clearly better at this point, so really need to make some moves. Perhaps a waiver claim may turn the tide.

8. Street Pigeons (1-2) - Last week: 8
Let Dosh off the hook. I really thought you had him, but Hollywood was MIA. I gave you Rex Burkhead Sunday morning. I should've listened to my own advice, but the victory was there for the taking. 

7. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (2-1) - Last week: 6
Put up a huge week and I drop you. Not right. Allen Kamara has been huge thus far. Competent play from the rest of the talent looks like this team is legit. Losing to Lobitz. Sad!

6. Team BG (2-1) - Last week: 5
Just needed a matchup with the Pylons to feel good. Not an overly impressive performance, but a win is a win. This team will look a whole lot different with Michael Thomas back. Arrow pointing up.

5. Cash Me Out Wide (2-1) - Last week: 3
I already know what's coming. Crappy point total. Pylons on deck. You were just saving up a huge week for Week 4. Winning the tough games matters in the end. I don't want to hear jack about your bench any more. If your bench is so good, start the fucking guys.

4. The King's Crusaders (2-1) - Last week: 7
Perhaps I was a bit harsh last week. I even said it at the time. I'm still a bit up and down on this team. Think a couple teams behind you could be better, but you always seem to get a ton from the special teams positions. That's not nothing.

3. Philly Peppers (3-0) - Last week: 4
This team looks good. Very solid depth. Drafted well (or at least somebody did). I don't see any reason why this team isn't a contender to win it all. It's eluded you a couple times. Perhaps this is the year.

2. Pork Chop Express (3-0) - Last week: 2
It has been a good start. I don't think this team is as good on paper as it has been, but still a very solid squad. May as well keep rolling the same squad out there until the wheels fall off.

1. Tweeting in the Trenches (2-1) - Last week: 1
As expected. Put the #1 jinx on TITTY and he responded. Up to #1 and dropped 160. That's what you love to see. Not much else to say.


**** Game of the Week ****

Pork Chop Express v Tweeting in the Trenches

Top 2 teams in the power rankings square off. Safe to say the winner is #1 in the rankings after this week. Think this is going to be a very high scoring game. Word is the trash talk has already started.

Good luck to everyone this week, and I hope your players play!


COVID Conditions

I also just wanted to reiterate how we will handle this weekend's matchup. As of 9/30, Titans/Steelers is proposed to be played on an unknown date. If you have a Steelers or Titans player that you intend to use, keep them in your lineup.

If by Sunday, 1 PM, it is not yet determined if the game will be played, you will be allowed to select an alternate replacement from your roster. If the game is ultimately not played, I will replace that player in your lineup. I will also share a list of potential replacement players after 1 PM. You must let the commish know your replacement player by 1 PM Sunday.


*** GAME OF THE WEEK ***

Week 3 is big for a lot of teams. The Old Ball Sack v The King's Crusaders sticks out to me. Two teams you expect to see at the top are both 1-1 and could really use a win.

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Tuesday, September 22, 2020

League in Shambles After Saquon's Knee Explodes


Can you believe this guy's drip? First the sombrero. Now this. Swagga on a hundred thousand trillion. I love Aaron Jones... but I hate Aaron Jones. The guy has ruined so many weeks for so many people. Dropped 44 on Pige. Dropped 40+ multiple times last year. Dating back to Week 2 of last year, Aaron Jones has 27 Touchdowns in 19 games. Maybe he'll get the due he deserves. He's #good


You don't need to hear me complain about the injuries from week 2. They were devastating. What you do need to hear about is a business opportunity. The EFFL is considering a new endeavor based on emerging results in the NFL. This has already been copyrighted by league members, so don't even bother:

Fantasy Player Insurance.

Let's say you draft Will Fuller. You think he may get hurt (he will). There's an extra fee of $40 to insure him for season-ending injury and an extra fee of $60 to insure him for missing 3+ games. If he gets injured, you get to file an insurance claim with the league. This claim will pay out 2x the premium. If he does not get injured, you collect nothing. Any overage on insurance premiums versus payouts gets donated to the league pot.

The league would publish insurance rates at the start of the season and perhaps at different points in the season. This would add a fascinating dynamic to the league. Do you draft injury-prone players higher with the intent to insure them? It also would make injuries hurt a little bit less.

What else happened in Week 2? We've witnessed the demise of a number of former heroes. Julio Jones - we bid ye farewell. Emmanuel Sanders - enjoy retirement. Rob Gronkowski - please come to our draft next year. Drew Brees - open a restaurant on Bourbon and lace em up. Kirk Cousins - seen his last EFFL title.


And yes, the Pylons miraculously pulled off a 1 point victory* (pending stat changes). I had to not watch. I had to do it. I woke up and fist pumped like crazy.


Beef of the Week: Atlanta Falcons

Bet nobody saw this coming. It was a collapse of epic proportions. Matty Ice was absolutely slinging it. Cowboys couldn't stop turning the ball over. 3 lost fumbles. It was all going wrong.

I don't know what the turning point was but poor TPG was ravaged by Philly Peppers. Dak insisted on 3 rushing TDs. Had to happen. Prior to Sunday, only 10 times in NFL history has a QB thrown for 350 and scored 2 rushing TDs. Dak went for 450 and 3. Nobody has ever had 450 and 2 before.

And of course the onside kick. How can you not know the rules. The ball is sitting there and all you have to do is cover it. It's the hands team for cryin out loud. Game should've been long over. And of course it's Jerry Jones in Jerry World going nuts. There's no combination of team / owner / situation that could've been worse than what transpired on Sunday. If you hate the Cowboys and you hate the Patriots, it's mandatory you now hate the Falcons. They're responsible for everything bad that has happened.


Power Rankings

We now have a bit more information. Not a ton of change, however. I think I did a decent job in Week 1. Let's take another look.

14. Geno 911 (0-2) - Last week: 12
I don't think this is surprising. There was real fear the team wouldn't crack 40. Hitching the wagon to Brady/Gronk may have been a mistake. I questioned the age of this team, Perhaps a deal with the Pylons will generate a spark. Todd Gurley does not look good.

13. Stanky Monkeys (0-2) - Last week: 10
Just too many Eagles this year. Butker may be the best player on the roster. This team has some decent alternatives. John Brown and Jerry Jeudy should be in the lineup almost immediately. I do think better days are ahead for this team.

12. Dueling Pylons (1-1) - Last week: 14
Escaped with a lucky victory over Stanky Monkeys. This team still has a ways to go. Maybe this win will be a turning point. Kelce has been as advertised, but Lamar Jackson sits 10th among QBs. That's going to have to improve tremendously for this team to contend.

11. Bo$$town Cutter (1-1) - Last week: 13
Must've felt good to defeat Dosh yet again. I'm sure he was praying all Monday night that he'd hold on. And you left it late. Your RBs finally came through. Jacobs/Chubb/Conner is going to have to stay consistent for you. But if week 2 is any indication, you'll be OK. KJ Hamler could be clutch.

10. The Old Ball Sack (1-1) - Last week: 11
Got pounded by EEB. That was funny. Unfortunately lost Sutton for the season, which is a huge blow. Drew Brees looks horrible. I think this ranking could be a bit generous, to be honest. I'm concerned about this team's bench and ability to deal with the loss.

9. Tequila Party Gnomes (0-2) - Last week: 8
After coming just short v Pige, got absolutely obliterated by Philly Peppers. Was devastated that things turned south that quickly. The McCaffrey blow hurts. And Mostert went down too, which is rough. If only there was a running back on the bench out of Naples, Italy to fill the void...

8. Street Pigeons (1-1) - Last week: 5
This is mostly a result of the Saquon injury. That hurts. But Russell Wilson has been the MVP thus far. And you've got some decent players. Going to need to play the waiver wire closely. Grab some rookies and hope for playing time.

7. The King's Crusaders (1-1) - Last week: 6
Seems a bit unfair to dock you after a big win, but you started Scotty Miller. I refuse to believe Tyler Higbee is a thing. I like your bench, though. I think you may run into a bit of an issue with lineup decisions, but I don't see any reason this team shouldn't be competitive.

6. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (2-0) - Last week: 7
If Josh Allen and Kamara put up 70 a week, I think you're probably the best team. I still think you have too many Giants. And you should be docked for using Christian Kirk. This is one of those interesting situations where you're likely to be very inconsistent. But 2-0 is a great start. Can't complain about that.

5. Team BG (1-1) - Last week: 2
I honestly think any of the top 5 could be in any order. At full strength, this might be the best team in the league. Still think you need a running back, but there's some serious talent on this team. Calvin Ridley is the #1 WR, and he doesn't look to be slowing any time soon.

4. Philly Peppers (2-0) - Last week: 9
Was certainly too low last week. What did Matt actually do to you? 188 points in Week 2 is awful impressive. Even your kicker dropped 13 on him. And that's without Kenny Golladay. You have to be feeling good about where you sit right now. And who can blame you. David Montgomery still stinks.

3. Cash Me Out Wide (1-1) - Last week: 1
Despite a down week, I'm still optimistic. I think you have the best WR corps in the league with Nuk, ARob, Odell, and now CeeDee. Hubris at the QB and WR positions could be problematic. You're going to be debating those positions every week.

2. Pork Chop Express (2-0) - Last week: 4
Getting more out of the WR position than I think you expected to. If that keeps up, this is a contending team. I don't know about James Robinson, but JT is going to be big. Only real concern here is the bug. I'm not a fan of the bench depth at all.

1. Tweeting in the Trenches (1-1) - Last week: 3
This is more about what this team could do. Started a QB that didn't even play and still won. Adams got banged up. Kittle is still banged up. I just think right now, at full strength, this is the team to beat. Aaron Jones, Adams, Kittle, Ekeler is the best big 4 in the league. Let's see what happens.


*** GAME OF THE WEEK ***

Week 3 is big for a lot of teams. The Old Ball Sack v The King's Crusaders sticks out to me. Two teams you expect to see at the top are both 1-1 and could really use a win.

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Tuesday, September 15, 2020

Sniper Takes Down Half of the League

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