Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Someone Beat Chris Fusco

This started as a command. It ended as a statement.

This has gone on way too long. 3 championships, a loss in the final last year, and now undefeated through 5 weeks of the EFFL season. Enough is enough. I tried my hand at taking this clown down, only to be fucking baby cock blasted by Odell Beckham Jr. Thankfully, David Johnson restored order to the world. Prepare yourselves, because I'm about to go in. Lots of cursing ahead! And this will be the last time Odell gets mentioned this season.

This dude Odell dropped 38 fantasy points on me in the 2nd half alone! Each week I just hate this guy more and more. I actually snapped this week. This is what caused it:



What kind of fucked up shit is this? I don't think I've ever screamed "STOP IT" at a fantasy football game before this. It's actually embarrassing to watch a guy try so hard to get people to like him. I'm calling it right now: Within 5 years we will be able to purchase Odell to be sticker bitch at the EFFL Draft.

And, he continued the celebration, going by teammates trying to high five him and going over to the kicking net and proposing to it. The joke ended weeks ago when you lost a fight, bro. He's the least likable player in the entire league by a wide margin. As a neutral fan, I like guys like Julio, Jordy, Hopkins, etc. I have respect for the studs. I really, truly believe that nobody outside of the wack Giants fan base likes this guy in any capacity.

Here's a sample:


Not even one of those, "oh if he was on my team, I'd like him". If he was on my team, I'd be embarrassed. He picked up yet another 15 yard unsportsmanlike penalty as well. And of course, of course, Fusco is blowing up my phone following this Giants game, knowing I'm absolutely steaming. Finally, I fucking obliged him and picked up only to hear giggling and "how awesome was that game". Total shocker. He also told me he gave the Ravens fan a fucking headlock following the winning TD, a little Hiyadoin. Absolutely insufferable.

I'm literally still steaming. I'm so fed up, I'm done with Drake, mostly because of this:


I'm done, man. Gone are the days of spitting fire to Miss Me or Goin' In. I'm done. Controlla came on the radio in the car yesterday and I just got fucking irate. Rap has been soft anyway over the past year. Hot 97 has gone in the shitter since Funk wound up on the wrong end of the Meek/Drake beef, just refusing to take an L. Instead, he plays garbage he thinks is hot. He's lost it. This is his last hit, going double Uranium, son.



In fact, I'm making it a point right here. I'm done with all dudes that like getting their butt hole tickled like these fools. OBJ, fuck outta here. Drake? Done, dawg. Dosh, Gambino? Delete my number. I don't want anything to do with these guys whatsoever!

In fact, there is one, and ONLY one acceptable ass to mouth situation. Thankfully, the Bills had a home game to show you what that is:


That's it, man. Unless you're slugging liquor out of a biddie's crack at a Bills tailgate, don't bring that shit around here. And of course, your weekly table slam:




This is what we needed. Some good ol' red blooded Americans slamming ladies through card tables. How bad do you wanna see that girl's face in the shot video?!?!?

Before we get into the status of the EFFL, we have to get to the Beef of the Week. Seemingly after my rant on butthole pleasures, you'd think I'd be done.

Beef of the Week: Color Rush Jerseys

Again, this seems like forever ago, but these jerseys are the absolute pits. The announcers commentate, "Sorry in advance if we screw up the names. We cannot read the numbers." Isn't that a problem? The whole purpose of these jerseys, of course, is more sales and revenue for the league. Imagine going up to your boy in his bright orange Broncos jersey "Oh sick Demaryius, bro!" Actually, it's a Von Miller. Are you sure that 58 isn't 88?!?!? I can't even see it.

I haven't seen the sales figures, but I have to assume they're a failure. The colors are hideous, you can't identify the jersey, and people who are color blind are unable to discern one team from another. Remember this one from last year?




This stuff has to go!


EFFL Power Rankings

 We're already through 6 of 13 weeks, which means that it's almost time to start thinking playoffs! Tatz finally got a win and the expense of D-WEEZE. He sent the following text exchange. This is unfiltered, and unedited:

Dosh: Fucking dropped Josh Lambo
Dosh: Matt Bryant better go off
Dosh: Terrible!!!
Dosh: Josh Lambo again!
Dosh: Right after I drop him
Dosh: Josh Lambo, fourth fucking field goal
Dosh: Are you shitting me!!!
Dosh: Fuck me
Dosh: If Tatz ends up winning this goddamn matchup
Dosh: Terrible
Dosh: Fucking outrageous.
Dosh: I'm worried that Tatz is beating me right now
Dosh: He should never have a semblance of hope. Lol
Dosh: Fuck this shit
Dosh: Melvin Gordon 94 fucking yards with no TD
Dosh: Seriously. His best rushing yardage total of the season yet worst point total
Dosh: Worth a fucking dick!!!
Dosh: Donkey dick!
Dosh: Wow, that's amazing that Gordon records his highest carry total this season yet scores the lowest output (first time in single digits). I'll repeat: fucking donkey dick!!! Lol
Dosh: My team is the most inconsistent, shitty team in the league.
Dosh: Losing to both Matt and Tatz is unacceptable.
Dosh: And Russell Wilson is one of the worst fucking starting QBs in the league... Can't believe he had me fooled this year.
Dosh: Fuck, Fuck, Fuck
Dosh: I wouldn't be mad if you ranked me dead last
Dosh: Started off highest scoring through 3 weeks and have tanked 3 straight
Dosh: 2 to the shittiest of teams
Dosh: Unbelievable

THIS IS FANTASY FOOTBALL!!!! The EFFL is ready to take the next step hahaha. What an unbelievable rant, rivaling some of the greatest in league history.

14. Geno 911 (2-4) - Last week: 14. Another week and another loss. Things are not going well. Actually had a respectable showing, but it didn't matter. Look at some of these guys you're starting: Richard Rodgers, Mike Wallace, Eddie Royal?!?!? How does this happen year after year?

13. Pork Chop Express (2-4) - Last week: 11. Got a win, but scored 87 points. Lucky SOB. Funny thing is that your Cowboys rookies are really the only thing you've got. I don't even know who DeAndre Washington is, but you started him. Perhaps you can swap him out for Dwayne Washington next week. FYI, the only D. Washington worth shit is Denzel.

12. The King's Crusaders (2-4) - Last week: 9. It's not looking good. Again, Mike McCarthy is fed up with Eddie Lacy because he's fat. It doesn't matter that he's good, but he's fat. Awful ironic coming from Ol' Mike. I'm starting to get concerned about this squad. I think you could be in some trouble.

11. Team Bartholomew (1-5) - Last week: 13. AYYYYY!!! You beat Dosh! That's awesome. I still think this team has a lot of talent. Dez, Cobb, Emmanuel Sanders, Cam, Jimmy Graham is a good squad. With Foster on the way back, I think you're in for some higher scoring weeks. Hopefully it's not too late for you. Regardless, you inspired that Dosh rant, so keep it up.

10. The Old Ball Sack (2-4) - Last week: 12. I wouldn't bank on a Coby Fleener Rushing TD or Cameron Meredith double digit catches on a weekly basis, but it was a nice week.We'll see what happens with Jay Ajayi, but he had a sick game. Ruined my fucking parlay. I hope he blows a knee piece.

9. ROLL THE DICE (3-3) - Last week: 5. I think you're closer to the top than the bottom, but it has not been an encouraging couple weeks. You know it. The league knows it. Teams are smelling blood in the water. Maybe the RBs are a bigger problem than we thought.

8. Bo$$town Cutter (2-4) - Last week: 10. Brady, Bell, and Cooks is one of the best cores in the league. If you had some other pieces, I think I'd have you ranked much higher. Need to find some gems on the waiver wire. Not out of it by any means.

7. Harambe Was Set Up (5-1) - Last week: 7. Still putting wins on the board. I tend to lean more towards the balanced teams than 2 guys having big games. But a win is a win, and your record has you in great shape for the playoffs right now.

6. A Lot O'Tatz (3-2-1) - Last week: 8. Back on the right track! I can't believe this text exchange:

Cro: Do you want Gillislee before McCoy goes down? Pylons signing of backup RB is kiss of death for the starter.
Cro: I've already knocked out Peterson and Langford.
EEB: Lol I swear if that happens
EEB: I'll give you Tamme
Cro: He should be on the waiver wire.

A day later, Tamme is cut.

Cut to Sunday, 2:19 PM. McCoy catches a pass over the middle, goes to pivot and gets tackled, and BOOM! A defender falls right on his knee and McCoy goes down writhing in pain holding his knee.

Cro: There it is. McCoy ACL.
EEB: I don't believe it.
EEB: You are an awful human being.
Cro: That looks brutal.
EEB: David Johnson will break his leg.
EEB: There. Fuck you.
Cro: You can't just say somebody will break their leg as revenge lol.
EEB: On national television for the world to see.

He was OK. I didn't want him to actually get hurt.

5. Stanky Monkeys (4-2) - Last week: 4. Kenny Britt arguably being your best player is not a good thing. A lot of underachievers here, and Big Ben just went down. It's gonna be a rough couple of weeks. Still a lot of talent, but could go either way at this point. We'll see.

4. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-4) - Last week: 6. I told you. More Bills is better. I like your squad. I'm back on board. Even without Jordan Reed and Big Dick Decker you're still putting up points. Gotta keep the momentum going.

3. Tweeting in the Trenches (4-1-1) - Last week: 3. I really think this might be generous. But you keep winning, and there's something to be said for that. Have completely avoided injuries to date, which goes a long way. Would be a shock to see you miss the playoffs, but I'm hoping we meet again. I need revenge.

2. Team BG (4-2) - Last week: 2. Receiving corps is on fire. I am a bit concerned about the QB situation, but I think you're solid across the board. Could easily go back and forth with DP for top two in the league.

1. Dueling Pylons (5-1) - Last week: 1. Bad week pretty much across the board and still did OK thanks to super stud David Johnson. On any week, could have the top RB, WR, K and D/ST. That's a big advantage. Need to fill the other pieces to be a championship contender, but 5-1 is an awfully good start.


Week 7 Matchups

 DP v. Harambe - A matchup for first place
Cutty v. BG - Can Cutty get things turned around?
TPG v. Lobitz - Both teams need a win pretty badly.
Tatz v. A Lot O'Tatz - Turning point for Tatz. Can he build on that beating of Dosh?
The Meineke Car Care BH Tickle Bowl: Gambino v. Dosh
Mike Y v. Lou - No idea what to expect here.
King v. TITTY - Fusco can put King on notice. Fun one.
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