Tuesday, November 29, 2016

The Mythical Unicorn



I've never seen anything like it. The EFFL playoff race is absolute madness. Before we get to blogging, I just want to remind everyone of the tiebreakers, which are in the EFFL Rulebook

Standings Tiebreakers
i.) Two teams

  1. Head-to-Head
  2. Most Points Scored
  3. Coin Flip

ii.) More than two teams

  1. If one team has head-to- head advantage over all other teams, rank team first.
  2. Most points scored
  3. If #1 or #2 produce a winner, revert to beginning of standings tiebreakers to determine order of remaining teams.
  4. If #2 produces 2 teams, head-to-head tiebreak among those two teams. If those teams also tied, coin flip. Revert to beginning of standings tiebreakers to determine order of remaining teams.
  5. If more than two teams are still tied after #2, there will be a rocks-paper-scissors tournament to determine the highest ranked team.
Now, while it seems unlikely that there would be 3 teams with the same record and the same number of points scored, I'm not putting anything out of reach this season. Anything can happen. Any coin flip or physical tiebreaker scenario will be conducted next Tuesday evening, December 6th.

More about the EFFL playoffs in a bit.




The haters were out in full force on Sunday. Sean Payton was taking digs at his former defensive coordinator who's a fucking madman by tweeting out Lion King songs. 

In a classic Giants move, Janoris Jenkins talked shit to Terrelle Pryor, who has been playing WR for a total of two years to tell him "He sucks. He caught balls in zone coverage. He a shit eater to me" and "You a shit eater to me, you really sucks". Pryor put up a huge game and this guy is talking shit on the 0-12 Browns. OK, chief.

In lighter news, the Bills were home again, and that means #BILLSMAFIA. Also, the Bills have home games each of the 3 weeks of the playoffs. That's a fantastic development. One of the best custom jerseys I've seen:


Yes, it does.




Where's the ice pack?!!?!?!?!?



Beef of the Week: Graphic NFL Images

You know what I do not want to see? A virtual image of how an ACL comes away from the bone and has to get repaired. It's fucking disgusting. There are plenty of reasons I didn't become a surgeon, and the main one is because repairing people's insides is gross. I don't like it. The NFL needs to stop this.

Then, Derek Carr practically ripped his finger off in his lineman's butt crack, and they zoomed in on his mangled finger over and over again. In case you didn't see it the first 8 times, they zoomed in to show you how fucked up his finger was. They need to chill. It's too much.


EFFL Playoffs

We've only got a total of TWO teams that have clinched a playoff spot at this point. If ESPN cannot calculate the standings correctly, I will.

* #1. Dueling Pylons (9-3) - Stanky Monkeys slipped up against King. A win or a Stanky Monkeys loss locks up a first round bye. Will be the #2 seed otherwise.

* #2. Stanky Monkeys (8-4) - Could be in trouble without AJ and Alshon. Still have an outside shot at the bye, but it's looking more like 3 weeks of playoffs.

#3 Tweeting in the Trenches (6-4-2) - Held off a furious rally from Davante Adams to wind up alone at #3. Win and in. Could pass Lou with a win and a loss from him. Still could miss out with a poor performance.

#4 A Lot O'Tatz (6-5-1) - I thought EEB was cooked but he's back! And not only that, he's the second high in points. Like Fusco, win and in. Even with a loss, you still could sneak in but take care of business.

Now, let's break this ridiculous 7 team tie. I don't care how ESPN decides to rank you. We break ties according to the EFFL rule book.

#5 ROLL THE DICE (6-6) - 1438 points. Nobody owns tiebreak over 6 other tied teams. You have the most points so you're in. 6-7 may or may not be enough. Win and you'll be in.

#6 Team BG (6-6) - 1402 points. Still no head-to-head winner. You're next up in points. Tough game against Fusco. Again, like Dosh, I think if you win, you're in.

#7 The Old Ball Sack (6-6) - 1355 points. Would edge Ben out for the final spot with 5 more points scored on the season. I know TPG will be gunning for you to knock you out.

#8 Pork Chop Express (6-6) - 1350 points. Point total is decent and really could've used that win over Dosh. If you lose, you really need a strong point total. If you win, you'll probably be OK.

#9 Harambe Was Set Up (6-6) - 1316 points. Probably in the need to win category. Point total isn't great enough to survive a loss with the number of other 6-6 teams. One advantage you have is that you play Dosh, so you're guaranteed to pass him with a win.

#10 Bo$$town Cutter (6-6) - 1272 points. Way down on the points totem pole, but I think if you win you have a decent shot of getting in. Will definitely need some help, but problem is you've lost to Lobitz, Mike Y, and Phil. You have fewer points than them also, so you need a number of them to lose to get in. Could really benefit from King win over EEB as well.

#11 The King's Crusaders (6-6) - 1230 points. Did enough to stay in it. Way behind in points, but unlike Cutter you've beaten Mike Y and Phil. Need some results to fall your way, but you've got a shot. Will pass EEB w a win as well.


I'll try to live blog or have a google chat to give up to date playoff results on Sunday. Here are the matchups.

#1 DP (9-3) v #13 Geno 911 (4-8)
#2 Stanky Monkeys (8-4) v #10 Bo$$town Cutter (6-6)
#3 TITTY (6-4-2) v #6 BG (6-6)
#4 A Lot O'Tatz (6-5-1) v #11 The King's Crusaders (6-6)
#5 ROLL THE DICE (6-6) v #9 Harambe Was Set Up (6-6)
#7 The Old Ball Sack (6-6) v #14 TPG (3-8-1)
#8 Pork Chop Express (6-6) v #12 Bartholomew (4-8)

Going to be a wild final Sunday. Can't ever remember only two teams clinched after 12 weeks. Can't wait for the trash talk.

Tatz, UJ, and Gambino - it was a valiant effort this season. Two of you had babies and had your entire teams injured and the other was on pretty much every continent, out of touch with reality. Rough year. I hope each of you ruin somebody else's season in week 13. None more than TPG knocking the defending champ out of the playoffs. That would be incredible. 
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Tuesday, November 22, 2016

All Downhill From Here

Wow, did things take a turn for the worse in week 11 or what?!?!? Andrew Luck concussed, AJ Green hamstring injury, Gio Bernard torn ACL, Zach Miller broken foot, CJ Prosise fractured scapula, LeSean McCoy dislocated thumb, possible Jay Cutler injury. And that's all we know right now!

I feel like this week was a big turning point for NFL teams. I think a number of teams have gotten to the point where they know nothing is happening with their team. Like this guy:


Just out there giving zero fucks. Knows Jared Goff isn't ready to play football but does not care in the least.

Jets keep going back to Ryan Fitzpatrick. And a fun fact on how bad the Browns are. The winningest QB in Cleveland since 1999 is Ben Roethlisberger. Despite playing in Cleveland once a year, he has won more games over that span in Cleveland than any QB that actually played in Cleveland. Incredible.

And what was with the weather this week? 30 MPH gusts in Cleveland, Cincy, Jersey, and DC. Rain in Seattle, rain in LA, rain in San Fran. There was a total of 1 outdoor game that did not have inclement weather on Sunday. That was almost close to being Beef of the Week but barely missed the cut.

DON'T HATE ME, IT'S JUST A JOKE!
What's the difference between a Texans/Raiders game in the USA and a Texans/Raiders game in Mexico?

Nothing. It's a stadium full of Mexicans.


This will surely cheer you up.

I've watched this video at least 20 times, and it does not get old. That dude got absolutely PLASTERED!!! Fox sound guy with awful timing and a friendly reminder that none of us are anywhere near large enough to compete in football. That is the hardest hit I've ever seen in my life, hands down. #1. He hit the ground so hard I think he created a sinkhole.

Second biggest hit from Sunday:

Somehow, somehow, this was flagged. It's a running play and instead of blocking the DB, Bradford runs backwards. Going off on the refs is surely what led Arians to be hospitalized with chest pains.

Again, I also would like to remind you this week, and every week, that Ian Rapoport is the worst reporter in the league. Sunday, he reported that AJ Green had torn his hamstring and was headed for an MRI on Monday. How does a reporter at a computer know that AJ tore his hamstring before a medical professional evaluated him and was able to assess properly? He just spews garbage and because he works for the NFL people are glued to him. He's a terrible, terrible reporter that is constantly wrong.


Beef of the Week: Mike Y

I was pretty chill this week. Didn't have too much beef until Sunday night when I absolutely lost it. After getting double teamed by Jordan/Jamison, porn star extraordinaire, the following ensued:

Jamison Crowder scores a TD. Mike's trash talk? 

"Oh thank God"

I was irate. What kind of trash talk is that?!?!?!? How bout a "suck on the old ball sack, Cro". "Maybe a shot of Jameson will make you feel better". We didn't go in on a 14 point favorite that was shitting the bed and we got a back door cover. We were NOT on the same side. What is "Oh thank God"?!?!? That's embarrassing. I also got this exchange earlier in the week:

Mike: I'm out to the left
Me: Hahah I assume not meant for me?
Mike: Oops
Mike: Sorry. Picking up my kid.

Mike: In front now
Mike: Dammit

This is unacceptable on all fronts. Your trash talk and tech skills need work, my friend. May I recommend the gaping mouth emoji followed by the eggplant emoji in the future.


EEB pointed out something fun to me. Apparently all of the lower seeds (sans TPG tie) defeated the higher seeds in the games this week. That's unheard of, but will make for a great stretch run.

Friendly reminder that trade deadline is Wednesday. Also, anyone added after 1 PM Sunday is ineligible to be kept for the 2017 season. Here's where we stand. There are NINE teams within a game of each other.

EFFL Playoffs

* #1. Stanky Monkeys (8-3) - Took the L against PCE, but Pylons also losing means still in the top spot. Looks like Stanky Monkeys or Pylons will get the bye, but this team is currently reeling.

* #2 Dueling Pylons (8-3) - Team had a bad week all around and can't get any points from the Tight End spot. Finally through the byes, which bodes well.

#3 Team BG (6-5) - In a 5 way tie and that means highest points. BG has the edge among teams with a .555 win %. Has beaten Phil, Ben, EEB, and Mike Y, which bodes well for your chances to at least do well in tiebreakers.

#4 Tweeting in the Trenches (5-4-2) - What a record. Hopkins couldn't beat a kicker, I chastised that trade at the time, and I still believe it. Showdown with BG in Week 13 could be for a playoff spot. Still looking pretty solid.

#5 Harambe Was Set Up (6-5) - Since you've beaten Ben and Cutter, you have the tiebreaker here despite having fewer points. The problem is that this team has gone ice cold and is really hanging on for dear life at this point. Where will the turnaround come from? Gronk's injuries have really hurt you.

#6 Pork Chop Express (6-5) - Took out Cutter back in Week 3 which puts you into 6th. I'd argue your team has been playing as well as any in the league lately. Will be interesting to see how your rookies hold up. Zeke is getting so much work that it's fair to wonder if he'll wear down.

#7 Bo$$town Cutter (6-5) - You've won 4 of 5, and it's not all that surprising your team is performing at a high level. Point total is pretty low and you have lost to a lot of the teams in front of you. Best bet would be to avoid tiebreakers.

#8 A Lot O'Tatz (5-5-1) - May have finally righted the ship and finish against Cutter and Woody. Win two and you're in. Win one and you still may be OK.

#9 ROLL THE DICE (5-6) - Good news is you've got a ton of points, so if you wind up in a 3 or 4 way tie, you're likely to have an advantage. Your team has allowed by far the most points, which is just unfortunate. Matchups against two 6-5 teams to finish the season leaves it in your hands.

#10 The King's Crusaders (5-6) - Win over Mike Y gives you the edge, but unlike Dosh, your point total is severely lacking. There's definitely work to be done, but I think you can win 2 and sneak in.

#11 The Old Ball Sack (5-6) - Would've loved to just about knock you out but shit happens. Nobody is talking about the absolute trade rape of the year getting Mariota and Jordan Reed for absolutely nothing. Plays two of the bottom 3 in the final 2 weeks so we'll see.

#12 Team Bartholomew (4-7) - Not officially out! Must win two and definitely some ground to make up in the points column, but your team has been trending upwards. Dez finally got it together. I do think a 6-7 team gets in.

x #13 Tequila Party Gnomes (3-7-1) - That tie ended your playoff hopes. Your team has more points than both Cutter and Woody, so it is a bit harsh to already be out. Losses of 1, 5, 6 and a tie and this could look a lot different. Injuries were way too harsh.

x #14 Geno 911 (3-8) - Your Super Bowl is in Week 13 when you try to dash the Pylons hopes of getting a bye. I'm sure you'll drop 150 on me.


Week 12 Matchups

There are some unbelievable matchups this week. Almost everyone is playing a team right next to them in the standings. Things could get even closer.

#1 Stanky Monkeys (8-3) v. #10 The King's Crusaders (5-6)
#2 Dueling Pylons (8-3) v. #3 Team BG (6-5)
#4 Tweeting in the Trenches (5-4-2) v. #5 Harambe Was Set Up (6-5)
#6 Pork Chop Express (6-5) v. #9 ROLL THE DICE (5-6)
#7 Bo$$town Cutter (6-5) v. #8 A Lot O'Tatz (5-5-1)
#11 The Old Ball Sack (5-6) v. #12 Team Bartholomew (4-7)
#13 Tequila Party Gnomes (3-7-1) v. #14 Geno 911 (3-8)
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Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Marquee Matchups Return



Well that was quite the week 10! Finally the NFL schedule maker realized how you succeed: put all of the bad teams against each other, then put the good teams in prime matchups. It makes it so easy to just skip right over games. Jaguars-Texans? Pass. Bears-Bucs? Pass. Jets-Rams? Didn't happen.

You got Saints-Broncos, Cowboys-Steelers and Seahawks-Patriots all in different time slots.  That's good stuff. Tajae Sharpe was penalized for scoring a TD then taking a nap on the ball. That's bad form trying to do anything other than the #MannequinChallenge. I really want to see a team do the mannequin challenge as a TD celebration. Is that a choreographed demonstration or a group celebration if you don't move? That's new territory and I can't wait to see how it unfolds.

Also, I'm not afraid to admit it. Bengals-Giants was not as exciting as Tron doing a salsa to Daddy Yankee. You can judge me.

Kirk Cousins is back:



I don't think this is on the level of YOU LIKE THAT?!?!? This is pretty bad. There's only one acceptable Oooohweeeeeee. No limit.


The NFL has another fantastic controversy on its hands.




Fox keeps photoshopping Sam Bradford's head on other former Vikings QBs bodies. They did it earlier this year on Teddy Bridgewater's body. They went so far as to change the skin color. But they couldn't remove double gloves, which Sam Bradford has never worn.

I'm also a huge fan of Brady's audibles. He sacked me in the EFFL playoffs a couple years back with "GOLD WILLIE". Last night he had a "SCOOBY DOO! SCOOBY DOO!" I need more! Can't keep yelling OMAHA over and over. Switch it up!

The EFFL is heating up at the right time. Stanky Monkeys and Dueling Pylons punched their playoff tickets in Week 10. 8 wins is the magic number at this point in time. Mathematically, 8 wins guarantees you a playoff spot. But before we get into the standings and scenarios, we've gotta air some grievances.

Beef of the Week: NO FLAGS

No, I don't have beef with there being a lack of flags. I have SEVERE beef with Joe Buck screaming "NO FLAGS" after every single touchdown. Not only is it fucking annoying, it's just a mathematically improbable statement.

Despite penalties being as high as ever, there are about 15 called per game. At the same time, teams run about 120 plays per game combined. So, you're out there mouthing off about something that happens about once every 8 plays, or a 12.5% chance. There's really no reason to say it. Would you scream NO PUNTS after a play is run? Or NO INJURIES? Those things happen almost as frequently, but it makes no sense to yell them on any play. It's his catch phrase and it's so FUCKING stupid. I never want to hear Joe Buck call another game.

I turned on 5 minutes of the World Series and he sounded like a jackass doing that too. Not surprising.


Broadway Cro's Bad Beat of the Week: Saints pick 'em.

We thankfully teased to +5.5, which was sweaty enough, but if I had the ML I would've been heated. Down 6, the Saints scored a TD to take the lead with just under 2 minutes left.

The ensuing extra point to take the lead is BLOCKED and run all the way back for two points and the Broncos win. The returner also clearly stepped out of bounds, and somehow the call was not overturned. The Saints went onsides, could not recover, and that was that. Broncos win by 2. That's the beauty of gambling. There's always a new way for you to get fucked.

Also, just another reminder that Bruce Arians might be the worst coach in the NFL.


EFFL Playoffs

Officially In
As said earlier, 8 wins is the magic number to get into the playoffs. The Pylons and Stanky Monkeys have locked up a playoff spot. It looks like it'll be those two competing for the bye.

* 1. Stanky Monkeys (8-2) - Owns tiebreaker over the Pylons, and the win in Week 10 was massive. Losing Alshon to PEDs will hurt, but it's your spot to lose.

* 2. Dueling Pylons (8-2) - Here's the Pylons last 6 without DJ or Antonio on a bye: 127, 130, 162, 123, 133, 130. Pylons are hot and through the byes, and currently the favorite to take home the most points prize.


Next Up
These teams are going to move around on a weekly basis since they're so close to each other.

 3. Team BG (6-4) - Shot right up the standings real quick. Owns the tiebreaker over Phil, which helps. I like your team, and I think you end up in the playoffs. 2 of 3 gets it done. I think 1 of 3 should be enough too.

4. Harambe Was Set Up (6-4) - Came back to the pack as I expected. I think your team is good enough to get in, but you've lost to all 3 teams ahead of you. That may not bode well for your chances at a title.

5. Tweeting in the Trenches (5-4-1) - Certainly not safe yet, and has now lost 4 of 5. 2 of your last 3 games are against teams in front of you so that may be tough. I think 2 more wins should be fine. If you end 6-6-1, I think you could be in trouble. DeMarco Murray doesn't have his bye until week 13, and that's the worst time for you.

6. ROLL THE DICE (5-5) - With so many teams bunched together, your high point total may come in handy. You still play Cutter and Ben, so it's up to you if you want to be in the playoffs. Beat them both and you'll be in.

7. Pork Chop Express (5-5) - If it started today, you'd be the last team in due to your head-to-head over Cutter. And we'd be playing each other. I'm sure you'd love that. Your team is certainly playing better now. Will have to keep it up to get in.

8. Bo$$town Cutter (5-5) - Nice win to get back to .500. Despite being on the outside looking in, you can definitely play your way in. All of your big boys are done with their byes and you should get Tevin Coleman back soon as well. I don't think anyone wants to play you in the playoffs.


Work To Do
These teams probably need at least two wins to get in.

9. A Lot O'Tatz (4-5-1) - Only a half game out, so you can still definitely get in. Huge win over TPG in Week 10. After losing 5 of 6, the fact that you're righting the ship is a good sign. Finish against Woody, and I know you've got that one circled.

10. The King's Crusaders (4-6) - Took out Mike Y in week 1, which has you ahead of him for the moment. Your point total isn't that great, so it might be tough if you get in a 3 way tie. I think you could be in some trouble.

11. The Old Ball Sack (4-6) - I thought your team was back, but you hit a snag in Week 10. I'm sure you'll turn around and take that out on me in Week 11. 6-7 may not be enough, and it would be an honor to take out the defending champ.


Last Legs
The end is in sight for these guys. Shows you for laughing at "GET OUT OF THIRD"

12. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-7) - It just never came together, and you let EEB off the hook. Must win 3 to get to 6-7, and probably needs some help. Fusco, Gambino and Mike Y on the schedule, so even if you don't get in, you can knock out each of the last 4 champs.

13. Geno 911 (3-7) - Doesn't even look like your team is scoring points anymore, but I'm sure Lou would appreciate you taking me down in Week 13. Likewise must get to 6-7, but you do have two games against teams in this category.

14. Team Bartholomew (3-7) - Absolutely had to win in Week 10 and you did. Can you get 3 more? I think you have the weakest opposing schedule. Glad Dez finally showed up for you.


Week 11 Matchups

#1 Stanky Monkeys (8-2) v. #7 Pork Chop Express (5-5)
#2 Dueling Pylons (8-2) v. #11 The Old Ball Sack (4-6)
#3 Team BG (6-4) v. #10. The King's Crusaders (4-6)
#4 Harambe Was Set Up (6-4) v. #9 A Lot O'Tatz (4-5-1)
#5 Tweeting in the Trenches (5-4-1) v. #12 Tequila Party Gnomes (3-7)
#6 ROLL THE DICE (5-5) v. #8 Bo$$town Cutter (5-5)
#13 Geno 911 (3-7) v. #14 Team Bartholomew (3-7)
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Tuesday, November 8, 2016

GT3 Gettin It In


Just a fantastic picture, and a fantastic finish to an otherwise pitiful slate of 1 PM games. Here's the actual video:




Somebody in the NFL league office made the schedule, sat down with higher ups, and came across Week 9.

Schedule Maker: Guys, we have 32 teams, but we're only going to have 6 games at 1 PM on Sunday. Everybody cool with that?
NFL: Sure, that'll do
Schedule Maker: 4 of the 6 games feature the Browns, Jaguars, Jets, and Ravens. None of them are playing each other.
NFL: Let's do it!

Gotta be kidding me, man. There's only one way out. Bet against the Browns? Check. Bet against the Jaguars? Check. Gotta love those teasers. Nick Foles tried to do us in the best he could.


Great submission from a blog fan, here. Coach, we're going to OT!! That's right baby, slide em down and get to work. Unfortunate portrait view, however. That's child's play!

Travis Kelce is quickly rising up my list of favorite players. Despite having a reality dating show, I'm 100% for players disrespecting idiot referees. If you suck at your job, you should be called out for it. Look at this!


Kelce says something to old man. Old man flags him. Kelce flags old man with the towel. Old man flags Kelce with the hat and tosses him. That's an unbelievable sequence. Asked for his thoughts on these decisions, Kelce just motioned:


The funniest thing I saw on Sunday, however, was this sick attempt at an onside kick:


This actually happened in an NFL football game. #SoccerKickFail

While there were some humorous things, it's time to get into the most obvious Beef of the Week ever.

Beef of the Week: Doug Pederson

Winning the award this week going away in a bigger landslide than Clayton Bigsby in the deep south. The Eagles had a drive start at the Giants 15 yard line. The Eagles had  drive start at the Giants 35 yard line. The Eagles on two additional occasions got deep into Giants territory. On these 4 drives, the Eagles scored a total of 0 points and lost by 5. How can this happen?

Pederson has now blown two games in a row, and this just can't happen. Terrible play calling. Terrible decision making. A blocked field goal. It was excruciating. There is no way the Giants should have won that game. I can't imagine anybody anywhere that supports the Eagles thinks Doug is doing a good job right now.

Asked if he would do anything differently, Pederson responded with a stern no. Nothing like learning from your mistakes, idiot. I foresee a lot of frustrating games in the future.


Also, if you have not seen the National Geographic Friday night penguin fights, it's a must see. That shit was violent as hell! And the commentary, my God! "She has no time for losers". The penguin doesn't have weapons to go after the animal laying it to his triflin wife. He has flippers and a beak. So sad. That was heartbreaking.

On to the good stuff...

Power Rankings

 As indicated last week, this will be the final power rankings. The future will have playoff standings, and there are so many teams extremely close in the standings. Right now, 4-5 is a playoff team.

Gotta love when your two lowest teams from last week combine for 300 points.

14. Geno 911 (3-6) - Last week: 12. Rough loss to go to 3-6. Have to get some wins quick. Banking on Bucs RBs to carry you looks to be backfiring.

13. The Old Ball Sack (4-5) - Last week: 13. I'm not buying the big week. Latavius Murray and Marcus Mariota is not a stud combination. Ajayi looks good though. Certainly within reach of the playoffs.

12. Team Bartholomew (2-7) - Last week: 11. Players just not coming through on a consistent basis. Marcus Mariota outscoring Dez, Cam, and Sanders combined? That ain't right.

11. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-6) - Last week: 8. Looked at your starters this week and went "HOLY CRAP". Gore has been solid. Tons of byes. It happens.

10. A Lot O'Tatz (3-5-1) - Last week: 7. I think A Lot O'Tatz is in a lot O'Trouble.  That was your kicker in the GIF above, of course. Guys are contributing, but you're just not getting the big weeks from players that others are. You've fallen behind Mike Y.

9. Pork Chop Express (4-5) - Last week: 14. That's about as good as your team can possibly do. Even TJ Yeldon scored some points. Here's a fun fact: Not a single WR on your team has had a 100 yard receiving game since week 2.

8. The King's Crusaders (4-5) - Last week: 10. Typical. Started off poor and now back in it. Tough to keep the King down. You would get 22 out of DuJuan Harris. I think you'll be OK.

7. Bo$$town Cutter (4-5) - Last week: 6. With pretty much your entire team on a bye, there's only so much can do. But you're through it, and the rest of the way you'll have your core. I think you're a contender.

6. ROLL THE DICE (5-4) - Last week: 9. Stay still, son! Took my advice on the QB and went and snagged Rivers for absolutely nothing. Poor EEB had no shot. 54 points from a WR and a kicker on Thursday night is rude.

5. Stanky Monkeys (7-2) - Last week: 5. Sometimes it's better to be lucky than good. Big matchup with Phil next week. You have the tiebreaker over the Pylons, so a win will put you in great shape for the bye.

4. Tweeting in the Trenches (5-3-1) - Last week: 4. Look at that sneaky Mike Y. Traded you a guy knowing he was on a bye when you played him. Can't believe the season Murray is having. He's on pace for 400 touches.

3. Harambe Was Set Up (6-3) - Last week: 3. This is exactly how I felt after having receivers go against the Broncos. You just have no chance. Of course the Raiders are on a bye again when you need a win the most.

2. Dueling Pylons (7-2) - Last week: 2. Good feeling when you get through the byes and don't need to make any lineup changes really. Pylons are set up for a stretch run and looking strong.

1. Team BG (5-4) - Last week: 1. Rough week, but I still think you're at the top. Your QB and RB played probably the best passing and rushing defenses, respectively. I wouldn't be concerned just yet.


Week 10 Matchups
D-WEEZE v. Pylons
Tatz v. King
TITTY v. Lobitz
TPG v. EEB
Monkeys v. Harambe
Gambino v. Cutter
Mike Y v. BG
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Tuesday, November 1, 2016

NFL In the Shitter


Each week, it keeps getting worse. There were three NFL firsts on Sunday. Yes, three things that happened for the first time in the history of the league. All 3 of these things were very, very bad.

1. The NFL forced viewers to watch Overtime of Redskins-Bengals from London that ended in a tie. Here we are, in 2016. It's 1:30 PM, and we can't watch a 1:00 game because the league has decided they want to jam 4 fucking time slots of arguably now 4 hour games into one day. I wanted to watch Seahawks-Saints, but there was no escape. Red Zone refused to show anything other than OT of the same fucking game, like there are people in the world who have Red Zone, but do not have FOX.

2. The Raiders were the first team ever to be called for 23 penalties in a game. 23 penalties for 200 yards. Those were ACCEPTED penalties. And that game went to OT too!! Again, Red Zone did a terrible job, because they refused to show any game other than this pathetic piece of shit from about 3-4:30. I was all hype after watching Straight Outta Compton Saturday night, but by 4:15, I had to just shut the TV off.

3. Hours later, Carson Wentz delivered a historically bad statistical performance. He was the first QB in the history of the NFL to throw more than 40 passes, complete over 70% of them, and average fewer than 5 yards per attempt. It was disgusting to watch Doug Pederson call a game where he was so afraid of the defense, that he actually was calling for Wentz to throw the ball backwards on critical 3rd down plays. What a fucking joke.

Might as well just get right into the beef of the week, because it's pretty obvious at this point.

Beef of the Week: There's too much football

6 teams were on a bye in week 8. That means that there were 13 games to be played. Those 13 games were spread out, for some absurd reason, over 6 time slots. Thursday night, 4 different time slots on Sunday, and a Monday night game is flat out too much.

Given the way these games have gone, with the time and the flags, you're looking at 3.5 hours per game. Nobody wants to spend 14 hours of their day watching football. Not even me! And that's saying something.

The Thursday night games need to go. Everybody including the players despise those games. The London games NEED to go. The ratings have to be pitiful. I really can't imagine anybody that made it a point to get up at 9:30 to watch Bengals-Redskins unless they were fans of those two teams.

Except for Thanksgiving and Christmas, there should be 4 time slots only.1:00, 4;00, Sunday night, and Monday night. That's it. And I know I'm not alone in feeling this way when you see what's happened with the ratings.

Goodell is a terrible commissioner. If people told me the EFFL sucked and they'd rather spend their time elsewhere, I wouldn't blame Donald Trump or the election. Drop the ego. Evaluate. Fix it. We're fucked for this year, but if the league decides not to make any changes before next year, things are going to turn south very quickly.


At this point, there's almost only one acceptable way to watch the NFL: On 7 screens at once at the local brew pub getting absolutely shit-canned. That's a good time.

I'd also like to point out to all of you what I've said over and over. Ian Rapoport, aka @RapSheet, is probably the worst reporter in the business. He CONSTANTLY reports things from "sources" that are flat untrue. He's basically the Chris Broussard of football reporting without the open hate of gay people and Jews. Here's what you take from RapSheet: When he reports a story, immediately dismiss it as false. Then, look up real reporters close to the players who he is reporting about for a more accurate story. Look at this!


Get out of here, clown.

False.

False.

This is a guy employed by the NFL who is absolutely terrible at his job.

It wasn't all bad on Sunday. There were a number of highlight of humor. You knew with the Bills hosting the Patriots, #BillsMafia was gonna be rowdy as hell. Thank you, EFFL members (Fallon voice). I had never been sent pictures/videos of dildos by multiple men before.




And the aftermath:




Pregame:








#BillsMafia continues to bring the noise. Also, Wade Phillips was murdered by Melvin Gordon with a crushing blow. That's a 70 year old man! Damn, that's hateful!



But the biggest story of the day, in my opinion, was Packers rookie WR Geronimo Allison. Nobody had ever heard of this guy before this week, yet there he was catching a TD from Aaron Rodgers. Somebody decided to look through his old tweets and found an absolute gold mine.

Apparently, Geronimo Allison had not scrubbed his Twitter, and that was a big mistake.



His Twitter account is now deleted, but wow, what a time to be alive. It was discovered during the Packers game, and Twitter was blowing up, just knowing that when Geronimo got back to his locker all hype from his TD, shit was going to get ugly real quick.

His only response to whether it was him tweeting these things: "I can't say if it was me or not". Hilarious. Instead of questioning Twitter, he could've just asked Phil.


On to the power rankings, and teams at the top did not have a good week. Pylons and TITTY both stumbled, and things are certainly getting a bit more interesting for the playoff race. Next week will be the last power rankings. After week 10, we'll flip over to the playoff race, as that will be much more important.

Power Rankings

 14. Pork Chop Express (3-5) - Last week: 13. I feel like this is the best your team has to offer, and it was a struggle to get to 100 points. Lucked out with a stat change to give you a 3rd win, but I think you have a bit of an uphill battle to get in. I don't think you're clearly the worst team, but you're certainly in the mix.

13. The Old Ball Sack (3-5) - Last week: 14. Hope you enjoyed that Jordan Reed week before he gets concussed again. Similar to Ben, I think this is about as good as you can possibly hope for from your team. For one week, it was good enough, but I wouldn't expect things to continue. Pretty much none of your good players have had their bye yet.

12. Geno 911 (3-5) - Last week: 11. I know I'm pretty stunned. Beat Fusco with a total of 1 player on your bench scoring points. Heading into Monday night, your starters and bench didn't even combine for 100 points. Awfully well done. The league appreciates your efforts, but continued success may be difficult to find.

11. Team Bartholomew (2-6) - Last week: 10. Going up against the Raiders in a never-ending game is not ideal for fantasy. You may need to win out to get in, but the good news is you do not have a game left against a team with a record better than 3-5. I think you're still in it.

10. The King's Crusaders (3-5) - Last week: 12. Classic. I score more than you each of the first 7 weeks, yet when we play week 8, you get the win. It was expected. Again, I almost feel like this is the best your team has to offer. We'll see how Jordy does when he's not competing with Geronimo Allison for targets.

9. ROLL THE DICE (4-4) - Last week: 8. Things have come completely unhinged for Dosh. It looked like he was going to be a real playa at the beginning of the season, but it's just not the case. Russell Wilson's injury is killing you because you keep using him. Usually when guys get hurt, people look for alternatives!

8. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-6) - Last week: 6. Finish with Tatz, EEB, Fusco, Gambino, Mike Y, so I certainly see the potential for some wins in there. But the window may be closing soon. Can't afford too many more defeats. As usual, nobody was ravaged by high picks getting injured more than you.

7. A Lot O'Tatz (3-4-1) - Last week: 9. Had a better showing this week, but it still wasn't enough. I don't know how much more you can do, and there are a lot of teams breathing down your neck. Perhaps uncovering a waiver wire gem would do it, but right now, you're stuck in a bit of a rut.

6. Bo$$town Cutter (4-4) - Last week: 7. Pretty much climbing on a weekly basis. This was expected given how the team was set up, but you've been improving steadily. Seems like every time you use Chris Hogan, he goes off. Sorry he got that dildo tossed at him.

5. Stanky Monkeys (6-2) - Last week: 5. I think there's a good amount of distance between your team and the teams below you. Clearly in the top tier. AJ Green is a monster. Will be interesting to see what your team looks like in a couple weeks when Big Ben comes back. Still could use an RB.

4. Tweeting in the Trenches (5-2-1) - Last week: 3. You're lucky I don't rank you last. Losing to Gambino is unacceptable. Started the wrong Chargers TE yet again. I do like that you traded for Hopkins, as his season is a total loss. It's helpful for your opponents to keep starting a guy with no chance of 20 points.

3. Harambe Was Set Up (6-2) - Last week: 4. Shellacked the pants off of Tatz. That wasn't nice. Gronk is balling out. Davante Adams looks like a nice pickup for now. He's terrible at football, but since nobody else on the Packers can get open and they have no RBs, he gets thrown the ball a lot. Keep riding Staffy, Devonta, Gronk and your Raiders and you'll be OK.

2. Dueling Pylons (6-2) - Last week: 1. Pylons drop from the top spot following a 96 point effort. But it's hard to see this team doing much worse. Antonio on a bye. Receivers going up against Seattle and Denver. Seahawks D going up against the Saints. No reason to move this team down further.

1. Team BG (5-3) - Last week: 2. Finally back in the win column and back atop the power rankings. EEB was probably all fired up when you didn't fix your lineup til Sunday morning. Even in a down week for Julio, the rest of the team came through. Sproles looked real nice too. He might get some more play. I like where this team is at.


We have some critical matchups in Week 9 that could put some teams just about in, or just about out.

Week 9 Matchups
Pylons v. Cutty
Tatz v. TPG
BG v. Stanky Monkeys
Fusco v. Mike Y
Ben v. Gambino
Woody v. Phil
Dosh v. EEB

7 wins may be enough to get into the playoffs, but 8 definitely will be. With only 5 weeks left in the regular season, things are about to get a bit more interesting.
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