The Final Rankings of 2013

Yes, that's right. I said it. This will be the final power rankings of 2013. Going forward, we'll have potential playoff standings, as a few teams including myself will be eliminated. I need to start preparing for League 2, because my team is garbage. Last week you saw me chugging Fireball on the blog in a Peterson jersey. This week you get to see me double fisting a beer and a syringe shot of Blue Hawaiian while dressed as a pterodactyl:

I have a decent amount of beef this week, even a top 3. Two were not good enough to be anointed beef of the week, but in no particular order:

Personal Beef: Chris Woody. Nobody gives me more criticism and grief about posting the blog. This is a thankless job. And to make matters worse, after beating my ass, it's "over/under blog words: 100". "over/under blog day: Thursday". "What's the beef of the week?" I DON'T KNOW! It's bad enough that you beat my team down, now you beat my blog down. Damnit!

Next Beef: Brandon Meriweather. What a pussy. Guy intentionally tries to injure people with helmet hits repeatedly and gets mad when he's told he can't do that. Now, it's "oh I can't hit high, so I'll need to take out a guy's ACL". How bout you don't try to ruin another human's life with a dirty play. Guy needs to be suspended for good. Disrespectful bitch. "They're targeting me". No shit, asshole.

Beef of the Week: "A Chip on My Shoulder"

Is there any more annoying phrase or commentary in all of sports. Oh, you were a Heisman winner, won a national championship, have an 11 inch penis, but you were drafted 2nd overall... Do you have a chip on your shoulder? "You know what, I do. I wanna make the Jaguars pay for not drafting me". Every fucking player in the NFL has a "chip on their shoulder" for someone that's slighted them. Guess what? Every person in the world has been slighted by someone else. If everyone in the world has a chip on their shoulder, it doesn't mean shit. Stop asking about it, stop talking about it. Nobody cares. If you need to be motivated by what some other asshole thinks of you, you have problems.


"You should call the blog this week 'Not As Bad As The Eagles'" - Chris Fusco.

Actually, I can't. Plenty of teams have a record that is worse than the Eagles, but still nobody has a record worse than the Giants. Congrats on beating a team's 3rd string QB by scoring no offensive TDs against the league's worst defense. In case you're keeping track, and I am, Eli Manning has a QB rating better than only Josh Freeman and Brandon Weeden. Yes, he's even worse than such clowns as Christian Ponder, Chad Henne, Matt Schaub, and Mike Glennon. Bills replacement UDFA Thad Lewis too! But you can't bench golden boy.

Here's how I spent my Monday. This is what happens when your fantasy team sucks balls. Somehow, this worked out.

League 1

Interesting developments across the league. Yashar can't find a win while the bottom of the standings are extremely close. It appears 5 teams will be vying for 1 playoff spot, and they are all within a half game of each other. This one isn't going to be settled for awhile.

We have a little bit of a shakeup in the rankings this week. Don't be alarmed.

1. The King's Crusaders (5-3) - Last week: 4

Once this team gets past the bye weeks, I think the King will emerge as a serious contender. Above the League 1 Mason-Dixon line, so should be in pretty decent shape to make a run. If Kaepernick can figure things out, I like this team's depth. Still has to play Yashar twice, but has league cupcakes Geno 911 and Threeing the Hogs still on the schedule. That's outstanding.

2. Team Toliver (6-2) - Last week: 1

Finally knocked off his perch, Yashar is riding a nice 2 game losing streak. Apparently I jinxed his team by calling out Peyton Manning. I have my own team's woes to figure out. Don't pin this on me. I still can't believe how much the Julio loss hurts, but there are plenty of options on this team. Could certainly use a big waiver pickup to improve things across the board.

3. Stanky Monkeys (3-5) - Last week: 5

I certainly didn't see this coming, but Calvin Johnson is unstoppable. Guy has scored 86 points in the past two weeks and single-handedly turned the Monkeys season around. Of course his entire team goes immediately into a bye, but there's definitely hope here. This is the highest scoring team in the EFFL over the past 4 weeks, so I wouldn't be too enthused to play this squad. I'm glad Lou isn't buried in the basement.

4. Tweeting in the Trenches (5-3) - Last week: 2

Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn. Over the past 4 seasons, TITTY has completed just 1 trade. Apparently this team is content with sacrificing games. I think this team is actually respectable, but the owner is just a complete tool. This is probably where you'd peak in the power rankings. Just change your team name to Antonio Johnson and end it. Not worthy of the great TITTY name.

5. Lady Luck (5-3) - Last week: 3

I did say you were the 3rd best team last week, and it's hard to penalize you for having your good players on a bye, but there's a reason depth is important. I know you've never had a player get injured, but it's bound to happen one year. Words can't express how ecstatic I am that you'll have your best 2 guys going on Monday night against me. Still not sure this team is a serious contender, but you're definitely solid. Room for improvement.

6. Dueling Pylons (2-5-1) - Last week: 7

Here's where things really start to drop off. Be certain, the Pylons are really no better than any other team in the league, but somebody must end up in this spot. This team just can't seem to put it all together. Boom or bust teams rarely work out, so this team probably has no legitimate chance of winning anything. But there still is the possibility of avoiding relegation, so perhaps a couple wins will be enough to get this team over the hump.

7. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-5-1) - Last week: 9

Gave it to Mike Y pretty hard. Rolled the dice yet again on McFadden and finally it worked out. Marques Colston, however, has to be one of the most disappointing players in all of fantasy. Right next to CJ Spiller. I always believe it's the middle rounds that win you the championships, and unfortunately for TPG, in the words of Jamie Foxx, "I was unaware how fine you was before my buzz set in". Mike Wallace + Marques Colston = Beer Goggles.

8. RGIII for President (3-5) - Last week: 8

2 weeks in a row Darryl has started an inactive Running Back. Shame on you. I hope you like the Packers, because that's all that's saving you right now. Marshawn Lynch could help, but he's all over the place. That's his 3rd game with 6 points or fewer. I think this team will be in it until the end, but could ultimately fall short. I hope you give it to TITTY this week.

9. Threeing the Hogs (3-5) - Last week: 6

The only top 10 option this team has at QB, RB or WR is #7 QB Philip Rivers. Yikes. It's remarkable how much the Chiefs D has helped this team. I don't think you can rely on a defense forever, especially when weeks 10-13 include a bye, 2 matchups with Peyton Manning, and 1 with the aforementioned Philip Rivers. This team is in trouble, and it would truly be a shock to see them make the playoffs. Not the easiest of schedules either

10. Geno 911 (5-3) - Last week: 10

Here's a fun fact. In Nick's 5 wins, his opponents have scored an average of 108.8 points per game. That's ridiculously lucky. This is by far the worst roster in the league. Look at the Week 9 starters: Romo, Fred Jackson, Alfred Morris, Jarrett Boykin, Brian Hartline, Nate Washington, Scott Chandler. You've gotta be kidding me. The King's entire team is on a bye, and he's still gonna smoke you. Nobody would even consider trading for anyone on your team. It's a disgrace to the league that you're 5-3.


League 2

Ben picked up a huge win in his quest for the final playoff spot against Tatz. Meanwhile, EEB panicked, didn't follow the strategy of his mentor Chris Woody and ended up with the first tie of the League 2 season. Yet again, panic and coaching do not mix.

1. Darkest Norseman (6-2) - Last week: 1

Was able to hold on despite a furious Golden Tate rally. It's the sign of a great team to fight through your best players being on a bye and still emerge victorious. Dosh has the #7 and 8 QB, #2, 7 and 8 RB, #2 and 9 WR, and #2 TE. This team is stacked, and there's a possibility they can clinch a playoff berth in week 9. Well done.

2. Bo$$town Beasts (6-2) - Last week: 2

The battle with Dosh continues, and you'll get to settle your differences in Week 10. After a disappointing showing last week, returned with a vengeance and crushed Young Meech. I still think this team may be the overall favorite. Manning, Welker, Jordy, Antonio Brown, Gates, Graham is ridiculous. If any of your RBs get it together, you have a real shot at taking it all. Would be a shock to me to not see this team promoted to League 1.

3. Jersey Leshoure (3-5) - Last week: 4

It would be wrong to commend Stanky Monkeys on their Tron success and not you. Even with terrible games from Gronk and Julius, still put up 165 points and took care of business. It looks to me like this team is on the rise, and finally broke the streak of single digit losses. Remaining schedule looks rather favorable, but having to play Cutter in week 13 looms large. Don't leave your season up to that game.

4. Team Meat Collage (2-6) - Last week: 6

It shocked me too, but this is actually the only team across both leagues that has dropped 120+ 5 weeks running. This team's record certainly does not justify the performance. Unfortunately this team, like the Cowboys, does not believe in defense. The bad news for Tatz is that he still must face the top 3 teams in the power rankings, so unfortunately there's not much margin for error. Things could turn sour quickly.

5. Game on Dick Bag (4-4) - Last week: 3

Came up just short in a bid to take down Dosh. At full strength, I think this is a contender, but the bye weeks are killing Sam. The good news is that if this team does make the playoffs, I think they can certainly make some noise. Stafford, Forte, and McCoy is a very solid combo it appears, so I'd expect an improvement sooner rather than later. Luckily for you, you have the weakest remaining schedule including 2 matchups against lowly EEB Ventura.

6. EEB Ventura (4-3-1) - Last week: 5

I thought this team was solid, but I was severely mistaken. I keep forgetting that there's a reason that EEB resides in League 2, and that's poor management. The ultimate slap in the face, ended with a tie, but he must feel lucky to even escape with that. You're never going to win anything with a bunch of above average players. Make a move, because you have no chance against the top teams. The good news is, we'll most likely get to face each other in League 2 next year.

7. Super Mario Brothers (4-3-1) - Last week: 7

Are you trying to rival Gambino for worst starting lineup? If you're somehow able to take down Cutty this week, it will probably be the biggest upset in the EFFL this year. Imagine how much worse it could have been had you not made the Julio trade. I'm glad you were able to tie EEB. He was talking all kinds of smack about you at the draft.

8. Street Pigeons (2-6) - Last week: 8

Continues to be at the bottom of the standings, but your brother has a long ways to go to catch you in points for worst in the league. Last week was a rough week with the byes so hopefully things turn around. The schedule is remarkably tough down the stretch, and this week against Ben may be a must win to save your season. Falling behind by 2 games with 4 to play and virtually no tiebreakers is probably too much to overcome.


Good luck to everyone in Week 9. I can't believe we're this far into the season. Perhaps the playoff picture in League 2 will clear up a little bit after this week, but League 1 looks like nothing will be decided until the very end.

Not as Bad as the Giants

That's something everyone in both leagues can say. Nobody's record is as bad as the 1-6 Giants, but you'd be amazed at how many people think that the Giants are a good team. Granted none of them are fans of other teams, but still. People think that because you beat a 1-4 team who decided to start a QB that another winless team didn't even want as a 3rd stringer, that you're good. That's crazy talk. Just look at these bros. They're talking about playoffs. Sure nobody else is standing, but PLAYOFFS!!!

 

I don't know why I put myself in this situation. I was excited to root for Peterson, but this was just one of the worst games in NFL history. Here's a blurb from Rotoworld about Peyton Hillis following the game:

Making his debut with the team just five days after signing, Hillis started and saw 23 touches. He caught five passes for an additional 45 yards on six targets out of the backfield. This was without question the single ugliest football game after seven weeks on the season. It felt like a preseason game with viewers just waiting for the game clock to hit zeros. Hillis looked terrible in the first half, but he got his legs under him after the break and was arguably the best offensive player on the field in this one. That's not an endorsement. It simply was just a brutal display of football.

What a joke. At least the blog gets to be improved with a GIF:

MMMM Peterson and Fireball

Beef of the Week: San Diego Chargers

Norv is finally gone, and I still hate this team. This has to be the most boring team to watch in the NFL. 2 weeks in a row I've been screwed by using guys against their "terrible defense". New coach Mike McCoy is intent on not playing football. As soon as the clock starts, he wants the game to be over. He's got Philip Rivers tossing these "high percentage throws", AKA we don't want you to throw interceptions with your "cannon arm". It's infuriating. All they do is run the ball and throw short completions. Two weeks in a row the opposing team hasn't even had the ball during the game.

The Chargers ran 67 offensive plays this past week. 40 rushes, 26 passes, and 1 sack. Rivers completed 22 of 26 passes for an incredible 85% completion ratio. What I really see is 67 plays, and on 63 of the 67 plays, the clock was running at the end of the play. That's not football. That's retarded. Same shit happened last week. 72 plays, and the clock was running after 61 of them. If your defense is so bad that you'll do anything in your power to keep them off the field, get a new defense. Don't subject people to this. The worst part is that I fear this is a trend and not an abnormality. If you want to start a player against the Chargers, just don't expect that team to have the ball for a majority of the game.

Before we get into the league power rankings, a special shout out to Matt Atallian. Not only is his team by far the lowest scoring team in both leagues, he also drafted the 2nd lowest scoring team across both leagues for his brother. This is pretty impressive. I wouldn't be surprised if Matt was the most sober one at next year's draft. Also, Meech: you might wanna start showing up to drafts. To date, your teams are 7-13.

League 1

Our last unbeaten team has fallen to Sam Woody. A double whammy. Standings are still wide open, but time could be running out on some teams soon.

1. Team Toliver (6-1) - Last week: 1

Took a loss for the first time, and unfortunately played the top scoring team. Would have beaten anyone else, but it was bound to happen at some point. Still the team to beat in League 1, but I wouldn't count on Harry Douglas to drop 27 again. Or Jerome Simpson period. Or Ronnie Hillman. I know the bye week handicapped you, but give Peyton some help! May I recommend more Bills.

2. Tweeting in the Trenches (5-2) - Last week: 2

Fusco is threatening to break 6 regular season wins for the first time in 5 seasons. Losing Reggie Wayne is going to hurt. Remarkably will be able to field a team in Week 8, but had to pick up a brand new roster off the waiver wire. Expecting Gronk to score 45 points a week is a little optimistic, but we'll see. Should certainly be in the playoffs with a strong record and solid squad.

3. Lady Luck (5-2) - Last week: 5

It's rare that I say anything nice about a Sam team, but beating undefeated Yashar is big. I couldn't believe it when I saw it, but Wes Welker is the #1 fantasy WR. As usual, somehow avoiding all injuries, but the Jay Cutler injury could have an indirect effect on this squad. Could have a rough week with the Bears on the bye.

4. The King's Crusaders (4-3) - Last week: 3

I think this team is still pretty solid. As does ESPN. A ridiculous projection of 171 points in week 8 has no chance of coming to fruition. They're projecting a KICKER to score 18 points. Come on man. This team seems to be hit or miss, which is a little unusual for a Woody squad. Certainly better than a number of other rosters. Would be a shock to see this team miss the playoffs.

5. Stanky Monkeys (2-5) - Last week: 6

This team could finally be putting it all together. If Tron is back, this is a team to watch, especially with Brees too. I think Knowshon keeps it up, which really keeps this team in it. If they can find one more solid waiver wire pickup, this team could make some noise. Currently only a game out of a playoff spot.

6. Threeing the Hogs (3-4) - Last week: 8

I like what Mike Y has done. Probably the best job on the waiver wire so far snagging Rivers and Terrance Williams. Trading Larry Fitzgerald may have been the right move as well. You can never count this team out, and I expect a strong push to make the playoffs here. This team's arrow is pointing up.

7. Dueling Pylons (2-4-1) - Last week: 4

Got the win, but got very lucky as the Pylons had the 9th highest score. This team is feast or famine and you never know what to expect. Has had Peterson on the roster for 3 weeks and gotten a total of 17 points from him. That trade appears to be a huge bust right now. Andrew Luck could be what saves this team. Huge matchup with the King in Week 8.

8. RGIII for President (2-5) - Last week: 7

Really scraping the bottom of the barrel here. Didn't prepare appropriately for a Brandon Jacobs injury, and it may have cost him. Even if he threw Shorts in, still would have fallen short. It'll be interesting to see if this team makes any moves or stands pat, because as it is, it's very hard to see this team as a championship contender.

9. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-5-1) - Last week: 10

By far the lowest scoring team in the league. Has put up 148 points in the last two weeks combined. But there's hope. Only 1.5 games out of a playoff spot and there are a number of quality players on the roster. One must wonder if Matt has thrown in the towel on his season, or if he'll make one final push. At this point, must be feeling that he deserves relegation.

10. Geno 911 (4-3) - Last week: 9

Remarkable that this team has 4 wins. Truly remarkable. This is clearly the worst team in the league, and injuries are killing any chance they had. Already without Randall Cobb, Arian Foster and Jermichael Finley have now gone down. Just look at the starting roster for this team in Week 8. Planning to start 2 Jets. And it's not even going to get any better going forward. Going to get absolutely smoked by Yashar. The Pylons are salivating at having this team on the schedule twice still.

League 2

The 3 teams at the bottom of league 2 are all tied for the final playoff spot. But sneaking into the playoffs, probably won't help too much. There are 2 clear favorites here, as they have been all season.

1. Darkest Norseman (5-2) - Last week: 1

Dosh stays atop the League 2 totem pole after a solid performance. After BMarsh and Dez, this team really has nothing at WR, so that must be filled. Strong at pretty much every position, so I'd expect Dosh to continue to do work. Will certainly be in the playoffs and is a definite contender for promotion.

2. Bo$$town Beasts (5-2) - Last week: 2

Cutty squeaked by EEB with a less than impressive performance. But he got the job done and got a very big win. Hakeem Nicks is a scrub and should be treated as such. Must be kicking himself for not going in on more Broncos, but he should be fine. Could definitely use a RB, but other than that looking very good.

3. Game on Dick Bag (4-3) - Last week: 4

Very strong week. The McCoy/Forte combo is huge and throwing in Stafford and Vincent Jackson to the mix is impressive. If anybody else on this team produces, look out. I think this team is improving each and every week, and the only question I have thus far is why Sam hasn't been present for football Sundays.

4. Jersey Leshoure (2-5) - Last week: 5

Had an impressive performance but didn't have enough to win. Now has losses of 8, 3, and 6 in the past 3 weeks, so this team could easily be 5-2 instead of 2-5. Despite the loss of Doug Martin, things are definitely looking up for Ben. Still has 2 games against Tatz and another against the Street Pigeons, so there will be plenty of opportunity to get back into it.

5. EEB Ventura (4-3) - Last week: 3

I told you I had no justification for ranking you that high last week. You somehow tried to pin using Nick Foles on me, but I won't allow it. Why you would ever bench RGIII and Kaepernick for Foles is beyond me. Oh, and in case you didn't see... Woody picked up Foles last week too. You are two peas in a pod. He just does it better than you.

6. Team Meat Collage (2-5) - Last week: 8

Hooray Meat!!! Out of the cellar of the power rankings for the first time all season. Got solid performances across the board and still only put up 132. I fear this team doesn't have the upside of other teams. May threaten 140 or so in a given week, but it's tough to envision much more. Trading away Decker for a week of Julio really hurt this squad.

7. Super Mario Brothers (4-3) - Last week: 6

I may be a little down on this team, but there are holes. Using Brees, Marshawn, Cruz, Decker and Blackmon on a weekly basis is good to have. But there has to be more. I'm uncertain on this team, but there's certainly potential to move up. Let's see it.

8. Street Pigeons (2-5) - Last week: 7

Meech has hit rock bottom. When you're completely inactive on the waiver wire, your team is going to suffer. Now has his entire team on a bye in Week 8, which is bad news when you're playing Cutter. Might be time to look into a couple trades. This certainly must be one of the most disappointing teams, if not the most, in all of both leagues. Could be a 2nd straight season missing the League 2 playoffs.

I hope that I redeemed my lack of blog last week with some improvements this week. We should be back to Tuesday postings soon. Good luck to everyone in Week 8. The playoffs, and relegation battle, are rapidly approaching.

Blogging Has Become Difficult

"Where's the blog post son!?" "Cro isn't so prompt with his blogs after a tough loss. Lol" "Slacking.. I usually read blog on my Tuesday lunch"

I received all these texts today. Not surprisingly, they all came from teams who won a game in Week 6. It's the same thing every week. After a win, I'm on top of the blog. After anyone wins, they can't wait to read the blog. This week was much more difficult than usual. Feeling so good, things went awry. I'm sorry to make you wait to read this. Hopefully your Tuesday morning work poop wasn't ruined.

This week featured some great work at the Taproom. No Beef of the Week, just a Hero of the Week. The recipient: Dosh Whye

Dosh showed up at the bar this week clad in BC gear despite a loss to Clemson. He was involuntary (or voluntary) carded at the entrance despite nobody else in the entire bar being carded. Confusing. While we each ordered a beer on tap, Dosh went straight for the special of a bucket of beers for $25. I don't even know what kind of beer it was, but who cares.

Dosh immediately made a connection with our server simply based on the fact that they were the same caramel skin tone. Dosh flirted here and there by completely blocking the aisle she had to pass through. Each time she passed by sliding sideways through the small area, she gave Dosh a look, which he interpreted as flirting. The game of cat and mouse continued until the end of the 1 PM games. Dosh went to "wait outside" for her as her shift had concluded. The day ended with Dosh going for 99 cent pizza and never speaking to her again. A true hero.


I'm only going to list rankings real quick and not much blurb. I'm still too upset about failing to avenge my semifinals loss to Fusco.

League 1

1. Team Toliver (6-0): Take my best player, I don't care. Still can't touch me.
2. Tweeting in the Trenches (4-2): The most undeserving. Screamed at baby after Blackmon 33 point effort.
3. The King's Crusaders (4-2): Disappointed with the blog.
4. Gen... SIKE ... Dueling Pylons (1-4-1): Still scoring tons of points. Terrible luck.
5. Lady Luck (4-2): Good starters. Terrible depth. That's what she said.
6. Stanky Monkeys (1-5): Poor guy's been suffering all season. A win deserves a reward.
7. RGIII for President (2-4): Underachievers of the year. Will get back towards the pack soon.
8. Threeing the Hogs (2-4): I'd bet on this team being in the relegation battle.
9. Geno 911 (4-2): Terrible team now bitten by injury bug. Lost to winless Stanky Monkeys. Lucky to not be last.
10. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-4-1): Could possibly tie Pylons for second time. This team is in trouble.


League 2

1. Darkest Norseman (4-2): Took down the #1 team. Game needs work. Temporary move up
2. Bo$$town Beasts (4-2): No shame in losing to another strong team. Still expect big things here.
3. EEB Ventura (4-2): I can't provide justification for this ranking.
4. Game on Dick Bag (3-3): Still a fan of this roster. Had its ups and downs, but getting better.
5. Jersey Leshoure (2-4): On the verge of breaking out. Or on the verge of sinking even further. That's how you end up in the middle.
6. Super Mario Brothers (4-2): Not impressed but still putting up big weeks. Gotta be frustrating to play this team.
7. Street Pigeons (2-4): There's no correlation to the fact that the #10 team in League 1 drafted your team. None.
8. Team Meat Collage (1-5): Still maintain that drinking whiskey with TPG before the draft is never the way to go.


It was a struggle to get through this blog, but I didn't want to leave everyone hanging this week. Hopefully I emerge with a win and more content next week. As usual, I'm always accepting guest bloggers for Beef of the Week or more.

Come to my halloween party. Good luck Week 7.

Third Time's the Charm

This is the third time I've written to you celebrating my first win of the season. If I find out that it was actually Adam Tatz on the field wearing Dez's jersey and looking dark and nimble, I'll be pretty pissed. Also props to the Atlanta Falcons for playing Ludacris' "Move Bitch" after every first down.

It's truly a great feeling to be writing a blog following a convincing win and an Eagles dismantling of the Giants. Eli is being exposed for the fraud he truly is and always has been. I'm about to go in on a legitimate rant.

Let's just get it out of the way. Elisha has won 2 Super Bowls. We know this. But let's take a look at some real facts.

• Eli has only won 55% of his games. Slightly above average.
• Eli has appeared in the top 10 in interceptions in the NFL in 7 separate seasons.
• Eli has appeared in the top 10 in passer rating in the NFL in 1 season.
• Eli has won a playoff game in exactly two seasons.
• Despite the "terrible offensive line" of the Giants, Eli has been one of the 10 most sacked QBs just once prior to this season.
• Eli does not wear pink to support breast cancer.
• Eli has fumbled 75 times and been intercepted another 156 for a total of 231 potential turnovers. He's thrown 219 touchdowns.

Rachael asked me as I pointed and laughed at Giants fans this weekend: "If he's so bad, why don't they try somebody else?" A logical question. Why indeed? What does Golden Boy have to do wrong to get his ass benched? He's almost playing at Gabbert level. Could it be that the Giants finally have no defense and Manning is being exposed? He's had amazing receivers his entire career and amazing luck. Strip that away, and you're left with Manning Face.

An analogy: Eli is like a cheap stripper. Yea she looks good for a little bit, and if you give her $80 million you'll get your rocks off. But at the end of the night she takes her makeup off and you sober up and you don't wanna be around for that trainwreck. Always remember: you don't turn a ho into a housewife.

Speaking of strippers, there's a protest in New York about Eli. Apparently Johnny Hiyadoin gets stingy when the Giants suck and don't tip well. This is the best story I've read in awhile: http://bustedcoverage.com/2013/10/07/nyc-strip-club-we-will-no-longer-show-giants-games-on-our-televisions/

In fact, Rick's is right around the corner from my office. Considering they'll no longer be showing Giants games, I might have to check it out.

Beef of the Week: 

HE'S NOT EVEN AT THE BEEF YET?!?!? Who doesn't love a good rant? A 3 time beef recipient, this week's award goes to Eric Brooking, for being a complete clown.

EEB contacted me following a Tatz-Elliott trade involving Julio Jones and demanded I admit it was unfair. I would not. He put up a huge stink about how "You can't trade Julio" and it wouldn't stand up through a league vote. I asked what's fair for Julio. "Julio doesn't and shouldn't be traded. Just wait til Dosh sees it. You'll never hear the end of it." Also, "Rebecca would not have allowed this. So it's on you mister. I said kick his ass out and let her in." A direct shot at Elliott.

Guess what? Nary a word from a single league member in protest. After some more back and forth, I allowed Mr. Brooking the privilege of writing the Beef of the Week to have a vice to air his grievances. The rest of the week went down like this:

1. EEB starts Eli Manning

2. EEB gets clowned by 0-4 Tatz with Julio playing no part in the victory

3. EEB refuses to write Beef of the Week

Serves you right. You are the beef.

League 1

Finally the league's bottom feeders got something to eat. Things look a lot closer after Week 5 than they did before. Can't believe Gambino is 4-1. Gross.

1. Team Toliver (5-0) - Last week: 1

Yashar certainly does not mind some late game drama. Got it done again with the Falcons in primetime. This team keeps on chugging along with no end in sight. When you don't have any down weeks and explode in others, you're gonna be in good shape. Now a full 3 games ahead of the teams outside of the playoffs, so barring an absolute meltdown, Yashar will be in the thick of it til the end. Say what you will about the man's fantasy football knowledge, but he now owns a 14-5 career EFFL record. Very impressive.

2. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-2) - Last week: 2

TITTY is much closer to the teams below him than the team above him. True, you were shorthanded, but turning down trades because "I'm trying to win a championship, not get into the playoffs" did you in. Hubris. Remember that word. Goes hand in hand with Eli slobbery. I think this is a playoff team, but I don't think this is a championship contender yet. Keep sticking with what you got, tho. It's worked out well so far. Also told me to carry him the trophy in a backpack because it's my "commissioner duty". I'll refer you to the post-draft blog where you left me with the trophy and your trash. Pound sand.

3. Dueling Pylons (1-3-1) - Last week: 8

Am I high? Not at the moment. The ultimate boom or bust team, the Pylons, like the two teams above them, are the only ones in the league to break 150 twice this season. Both of those this team reached 160. Things could finally be aligning for the Pylons. Brady has his boys back and gets to play in dry weather. Peterson is back in his favorite Pylons uniform. And this team could have the best receiving corps in the league between Dez, DeSean, Blackmon, Hilton, and a progressing Roddy White. Throw in plus athlete Julius Thomas, and you have a team nobody wants to see on their schedule.

4. The King's Crusaders (3-2) - Last week: 4

Struggled through the bye week and still came through with a win. This team hasn't scored more than 121 since Week 1, but you wouldn't know it by the record. This team is going to explode on somebody soon. Still refusing to bench Tavon Austin, but hey, it's always fun to mock your opponent. Even better was that Fusco was against Manning and Cruz and the Giants lost. A seemingly impossible task, but much appreciated.

5. RGIII for President (2-3) - Last week: 3

While I don't think this team is that great, it's a little better than the others. Aaron Rodgers is going to get it going sooner than later. Solid running backs and a budding star in Torrey Smith certainly help. Was unhappy with the drafted team, but I think it's done pretty well. Clearly has not read my Bills rant and went down with Stevie on a Thursday in Cleveland. Better days lie ahead.

6. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-3-1) - Last week: 9

Just like the Pylons, TPG has a nice little 2 game undefeated streak going. The #2 RB slot is giving TPG fits, as both Trent Richardson and McFadden just aren't getting the job done. But could have made a huge pickup in adding Alshon Jeffery. Brandon Marshall recently said "he could be the best to ever play". Not sure where he was referring to, but that must be encouraging. Scrap the 2 RB system. Go 4 wide. You'll feel much better. Arrow pointing up for TPG. Here's the best TD celebration of Week 5:

7. Threeing the Hogs (2-3) - Last week: 6

Put up a decent fight against the winless Pylons, but ultimately fell short. I don't think this team is a championship contender. Too much inconsistency. But there are good players, and this team will definitely win games. The following conversation occurred Sunday morning:

Me: You're getting the whole Raiders roster

Mike: Not sure what you're talking about

Me: I'm using 2 Raiders

Mike: Ah. I thought you were saying my team was changing. Freaked me out since my wife's account was reset. Thought I was hacked.

Me: No need to hack your roster

No respect shown between the Pylons and Hogs. It's a shame these teams don't meet again this year.

8. Tavon in 60 Seconds (4-1) - Last week: 5

What is this roster? It's really sad that this team was able to win another game. Used Fred Jackson, Scott Chandler and Nate Washington. And it's not even like you had better options on the bench. Vick is injured, but I'm sure I'll have to hear about how great Tony Romo is. The troubles of being the commissioner. I really can't imagine this team doing anything of significance, but I guess getting wins now can't hurt. I wouldn't feel confident if this were my roster.

9. Lady Luck (3-2) - Last week: 7

WHAT IS THIS ROSTER? I warned you about using too many white people, but my concerns fell on deaf ears. I think Lady Luck may be a 110-120 point team on a weekly basis, but that's not gonna win you anything. It's a shame you got Brandon Marshall because I hate every single other player on your roster. I think Danny Amendola just got injured watching Monday Night Football.

10. Stanky Monkeys (0-5) - Last week: 10

I'm sorry Lou. Finally strung a good week together, and it still wasn't enough against a dominant Team Toliver. Calvin Johnson was inactive, and Andre Roberts replaced him with a big goose egg. I wasn't aware Marlon Brown was in your lineup or else I would've let you know about that one too. Since the start of 2011, this team is just 9-22 in EFFL play. Thankfully got EEB in the relegation battle last season. It could be getting close to time to check out your week 14 and 15 matchups and keepers to prepare for another final stand.

League 2

There is definitely some separation in League 2 that doesn't exist in League 1. I'm thoroughly impressed with Cutter's team management. He's got the best team across both leagues and has promotion in his sights.

1. Bo$$town Beasts (4-1) - Last week: 1

Came up short despite putting up 149 last eek, but that wasn't about to happen again. Cutty was back with 160 more points in a slam dunk victory. Again, the only slight complaint is no big RB, but if Spiller, MJD or Woodhead become reliable options, there's nothing stopping this team. Peyton and Jimmy Graham is just unfair. Imagine if you had taken Dez over Spiller in Round 2. Lights out.

2. Darkest Norseman (3-2) - Last week: 2

Not quite on Cutty's heels, but clearly ahead of the rest of the pack. Can't believe you used David Wilson. I would've rather started Peterson on a bye. Now that we both have Purple Jesus, we need to get together for football Sundays ASAP. Knowing you, I'm sure you stayed up til 2:30 AM watching Rivers and Denarius Moore take down Ben in another heartbreaker. Huge win. Things looking up.

3. Dick Bag (2-3) - Last week: 7

I can't figure this team out. I want to like it. Dropped from 2 to 7 last week and now back up to 3. Wisely got in on a pair of shorts and it paid off. If the Colts decide that their best receiver should get the ball, you'll be in good shape. I've been surprised with the consistency here. 4 weeks of 125+ is no easy feat. Just don't expect 37 points every week from your kicker and defense. That's extremely frustrating to play against.

4. Street Pigeons (2-3)  - Last week: 5

There's a lot of talent on this roster, but failed to deliver yet again. Having all of your running backs injured never helps, but I maintain you're always better off drafting for yourself. Especially when the guy drafting for you is conceding his season Week 4 after an admission of too much pregaming. A little trading never hurt anyone. Sneak into the playoffs and see what happens.

5. EEB Ventura (3-2) - Last week: 3

Did everything wrong this week. Started Eli. Started with the commissioner. Started the same team as Woody. A loss and drop in the rankings was inevitable. Clearly being up at night with an infant child has created way too much time to think about lineup decisions. This team has a lot of potential, but Jerry Jones is holding them back. You need to get a Showtime Rotisserie. Set it and forget it.

6. Jersey Leshoure (2-3) - Last week: 6

Rough week for Leshoure. Took a loss in the EFFL and will never bet on Northwestern again. It's a terrible place, and the cab drivers blow tree and don't even know where the stadium is. This team is the Chris Fusco of League 2. Classic overvaluing of the team. I'm being harsh. This team has serious potential to move up in the rankings very quickly and can finally ditch all the rookies. In good shape despite the loss.

7. Team Meat Collage (1-4) - Last week: 8

AYYYYYY, a Tatzbite! Congrats on your first win. Showed EEB how to manage a team by benching Brady in torrential rain and using Romo. Thank your boys from the TPG and Pylons for that tip. I'm always willing to help out anyone playing EEB. If this team could get any contribution at all from the secondary players, things would be fine. Jamaal Charles, Julio and Demaryius will suit you well as long as none gets hurt. Looking good.

8. Super Mario Brothers (3-2) - Last week: 4

I think Tatz got the better end of the trade, but that's OK. Your new guys did well. It's the rest of the roster that's the problem. Which guys can you trust? I foresee lineup decisions being a problem for this team as a lot of guys are at the same level. You'd hope to have a stud to turn to every week. Someone like Julio. I think this team is gonna gravitate towards the bottom of the standings, but we'll see.

I think this was the longest blog I've written in awhile. Took me a good two hours to write, so I hope you enjoyed it. Things are certainly getting a lot closer than they were. I'll be back in the bar this Sunday taking notes and finally screaming PETERSON again at the top of my lungs. It's been too long.

Good luck to everyone in Week 6. It's hard to believe we're getting to be almost halfway through the regular season.

Pumpkin Season Abound

The Pylons were found late Monday night shirtless and chugging beer. Surely TPG went to bed with his impending defeat, and it's a good thing he did. Drew Brees continued to throw and throw and throw with 3 minutes left in the 4th quarter despite being up 21 points. Mike Wallace couldn't come through, and it was another classic Pylons Monday night 1 point win. It'll be interesting to see if this one sticks or if somehow a Cowboys cheerleader catching the ball was mistaken for a Dez grab.

It's hard to believe we're already into October. 2013 has been a serious struggle by every stretch of the imagination. Fantasy, real life football, it's all been an absolute disaster. I thought a week off from the bar would be good for the soul, but there was truly a piece missing. There is nothing like screaming at TVs and assholes in a public setting. You need to let your anger out on somebody, and who better than drunken strangers?

It seems like running the ball is a thing of the past in this league. Only five RBs have more than 2 rushing TDs thus far, and 2 of them are Joique Bell and Knowshon Moreno. By comparison, 19 players already have more than 2 receiving TDs. This is a strange year, and some of us have yet to adapt. Nick Gambino had the foresight to start Nate Washington, and then asked how amazing a manager he was. On a scale of 1 to Masterful Coaching, I gave him a Sam Woody, who just happened to start Danny Woodhead and have him put up 25 points. Poor Lou. He had white players score over 100 points against him. I can't imagine coming back from that.

Before we get to the beef of the week, I'd like to do my annual plug of the Cro Halloween party in NYC. I'll be hosting the 4th annual costume party on Saturday, October 26th this year. Everyone is invited for food, booze, and shenanigans. Who knows what'll happen? You could see Mr. McGibblets with a cleaver. You could see rap superstar Sisqo shut down a bar and pose for the paparazzi. You could see Buzz Lightyear trying to hide wood in his pajamas. Everyone should be there. I'll keep posting about it every week.

Beef of the Week

I have some serious beef this week, and it's with America's "pastime". The only thing I'll acknowledge about baseball is that it's "past time" for us to give up on this fake sport. Out of shape dudes sit on a wooden bench chewing sunflower seeds and tobacky, grabbing each other's nuts or doing anything to keep themselves busy for half a year. These guys have been chewing sunflower seeds since the beginning of March. It's October! Is your season not long enough? For teams that reach the World Series, including spring training and the regular season, teams will have played over 200 games in one season. That's utterly ridiculous. And they're adding more playoff teams!

I've had beef with baseball, but now they've sent this Sunday's Raiders-Chargers game to an 11:30 PM Eastern Time start! If anybody hates their opponent enough to start someone in that game, you may be fined by the league. Nobody should be forced to watch Raiders-Chargers til almost 3 AM eastern time. It legitimately starts AFTER the Sunday night game. Thanks baseball.


League 1

I think it's certainly time to admit that the teams at the top of the standings deserve to be there. Each team is a clear favorite at this point to make some noise. We can't have our first back-to-back champ, but I guess it would be better than any of the other names on the trophy.

It's hard to believe this is a real human:

1. Team Toliver (4-0) - Last week: 1

The only undefeated team remaining. What a comeback to defeat Fusco, who mercifully has taken over the record for most points in a defeat. It's remarkable that in 9 seasons, the record has now been broken twice in 4 weeks. Heading into Sunday night, Yashar was down 148-75. But his boys got it done. Tony G, Julio, and Sproles carried him back somehow to grab a huge win. This team is absolutely on fire right now, and it's gonna be tough to envision them slowing down.

2. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-1) - Last week: 3

Move up despite the loss. Real tough break for Fusco. Second high score and came up short. Won't get much sympathy from me, however. With Gronk coming back, Chris can finally get scrub Chris Johnson out of his lineup. Remarkable that in both leagues, the team that drafted Gates as their #2 TE also has either Gronk or Jimmy Graham to go with it. I still am not a believer in Antonio Brown. Guy has completed obliterated Cecil "Garbage Time" Shorts III as the King of garbage.

3. RGIII for President (2-2) - Last week: 2

I'm still high on this team. Suffered a tough loss with both Aaron Rodgers and Jordy Nelson on a bye but the rest of the team still looks pretty solid. Good depth. Won't have to start white running backs. But when Stevie, your kicker and defense combine for 1 point, you're pretty much screwed. Things should get better. This team easily could have been 1-3.

4. The King's Crusaders (2-2) - Last week: 4

Continues to start Tavon Austin despite terrible play. Also seen around the league offering terrible trades. In an unusual spot in the middle of the standings, but I think this team is good enough to pull it together. Will be interesting to see if Chris presses the panic button and tries a fire sale on his roster. One thing's for certain... you can be sure he hates his roster.

5. Tavon in 60 Seconds (3-1) - Last week: 6

I certainly see some dropoff in talent after the top 4 teams. This is I guess the best of the rest. How good can this team really expect to be? Vick is fading quickly, Nasty Nate Washington will never perform this well again, and his trade of Frank Gore looks absolutely horrible. Starting white guys from the Bills and Dolphins is never an answer. Mediocrity all the way, but at 3-1, has a leg up on the rest of the garbage in this league.

6. Threeing the Hogs (2-2) - Last week: 9

Surely Mike thought last week's blog was a backhanded attempt at a trade. Not true. This team actually looks like it could be turning the corner. The pickup of Philip Rivers could prove to be huge if he keeps up his ridiculous play. With Ray Rice getting healthy, I think the arrow on this team is pointing up. Too many white guys for my liking has prevented a bigger move upward.

7. Lady Luck (3-1) - Last week: 5

This team's roster makes me want to vomit. How can you put together such a bunch of scrubs and have them put up the high score of the week? Only Sam. I kid you not, this team got 107 points from white players. Cannot confirm but this must be a league record. I'll bet all of my league titles that this is the best this team does all season. Don't be afraid future opponents. Glorified cupcake.

8. Dueling Pylons (1-3) - Last week: 7

This team is down in the power rankings, and they couldn't be happier. This is the 2nd time this season in 4 weeks the Pylons have held off an opponent on Monday night for a 1 point win. I couldn't imagine what would happen if they took this one away. A late Bilal Powell benching almost cost the Pylons, but they're off the schnide and back in business.

9. Tequila Party Gnomes (0-4) - Last week: 8

It can't be a coincidence that the 3 teams chugging whiskey before the draft are a combined 1-11 with 2 pukes to their name. I tried telling you to get away from Tatz Manhattan and Ginger Man, but you were not to be denied. Repeated blaming of alcohol consumption will do nothing but draw you EEB comparisons. The window is closing quickly. I'd strongly advise bailing on all Raiders and Jets before facing Darryl.

10. Stanky Monkeys (0-4) - Last week: 10

Another week and another loss for the Stanky Monkeys. Got an encouraging effort from Frank Gore, but right now if Brees and Tron don't combine for 60+ points, this team is in rough shape. Hakeem Nicks and MJD are complete busts. Will certainly be tough to see this team winning a game any time soon. It may not be too soon to start preparing for a second straight relegation battle. With 4-0 Team Toliver coming to town, things are not looking good.


League 2

There are no more unbeaten teams in League 2 after EEB Ventura found Snowflake and took down Cutter. Only two teams have fewer than 2 wins, so it remains very close. I'd expect this continue, save Tatz.

Congrats to Elliott on winning the $10 high score prize for Week 4.

1. Bo$$town Beasts (3-1) - Last week: 1

You can't play defense in Fantasy Football. Scores were very high in Week 4. Still at the top of the standings and still leading the league in points, so clearly a still deserving #1. This team probably needs a solid running back, but I'm nitpicking at this point. Now with Gates exploding, Cutty is just getting stronger and stronger. Clearly a favorite to move up to League 1.

2. Darkest Norseman (2-2) - Last week: 3

I've never heard anyone complain so much after putting up 166 points. Even the bench put up over 100. Putting your faith in a Mike Shanahan backfield is always a dangerous proposition. A clear favorite at the beginning of the season, and not much has changed since then. We'll need to get together for football soon so you can whine to me in person.

3. EEB Ventura (3-1) - Last week: 5

You know EEB is thinking to himself "I knew I was too good for League 2 all along". Don't get ahead of yourself here. I really think the only thing preventing EEB from making a return to League 1 is himself. Has too many solid options, which will make lineup decisions that much more difficult. I'm hopeful but skeptical. I still expect him to somehow find a way to get drunk at the trading deadline and trade with Woody.

4. Super Mario Brothers (3-1) - Last week: 7

This might be a little bit of a stretch, but Elliott has some potential here. This team has the opposite of EEB's problem. Not very deep at all, but there's not really too many lineup decisions that need to be made. It's just a matter of will the players continue to make plays? The sooner you get Chris Johnson out of your lineup, the better off you'll be.

5. Street Pigeons (2-2) - Last week: 6

Arrow pointing up on Street Pige. With Aaron Rodgers and Randall Cobb both on a bye, did an admirable job of filling out the roster. Torrey Smith looks real good and Andre Johnson is finally getting healthy. I think this team is ready to make some noise. Side note: Meech is tearing up D-3 Soccer at Neumann University. Already 3 game winning goals this season. Do work, son.

6. Jersey Leshoure (2-2) - Last week: 4

Had beef with being ranked 4th in last week's power rankings and immediately puts up the week's lowest score. Waiting for Gronk is really taking its toll on this team. Also pretty thin at WR which could come back to hurt. Bench and starters combined for only 128 points. Perhaps it's time to hit the waiver wire.

7. Game on Dick Bag (1-3) - Last week: 2

What can I say? The high ranking last week was most likely due to the fact that we have a number of the same players. That's not working out so well for me, so I shouldn't have expected much more here. This team looks pretty decent, but I don't know if it has the feel of a championship contender. Right now, I think there are a number of other teams that have a better shot.

8. Team Meat Collage (0-4) - Last week: 8

Oh Tatz. Put up a very respectable 130 this week, but didn't even come close to a victory. Think about this... when the Broncos are on a bye your starting WRs will be Sidney Rice, Mike Wallace and Steve Smith. The upside of this team is severely limited, which will continue to be a problem. I certainly see a couple trades in your future. Only 2 games back with 9 to play is more than enough time to turn it around.


Things are starting to get a little more serious heading into Week 5. There are a few teams that are on the ropes and need to get it together very quickly. We have only 1 undefeated team left in both leagues, so we'll see how long that can continue. Best of luck to everyone in Week 5.