Celebs Gather To Cheer On Pylons

Damn son.  It’s only been 3 weeks, and players are dropping like flies.  I tried to avoid confrontation after a Michael Vick cheap shot (eat asshole Trent Dilfer).  By tried I mean yelling things like “these people are still under the impression that Eli is a good quarterback” in a NY sports bar.  Things like, “at least I’m not wearing an Eli Manning jersey”.  No joke to you, after an Owen Schmitt leap over a defender I screamed out “THAT’S HOW THEY DO IT IN MORGANTOWN”.  I was all fired up.  Then, it came crashing down when for some unknown reason the running game failed.  Shocker.  Apparently the Calvin Johnson rule doesn’t apply to Victor Cruz.  Please explain that one to me because I can’t get a grip on it.

When the game had finally ended, I was left chugging out of a tower of Bud Light.  My sorrow was turned to curiosity, however, as after the check was paid, one fine piece of ace strolled by the group’s table.  Who was this piece?  None other than Kim Kardashian.  Again, despite my team being a joke, this is a no joke blog.  I have the picture if you want proof.  Kim and Kris Humphries strolled in and sat at a table nearby, hoping to enjoy the Jets game.  I was floored.  Every female I knew in the vicinity immediately returned in a sprint to the bar, hoping to catch a glimpse of Ms. Ray J.  It was quite the day.

Anyway, on to the Norv of the Week and how the EFFL landscape is shaping up.

Norv of the Week recipient Week 3: Leslie Frazier

I’d venture to guess that many of you were unaware that this man was the coach of the Minnesota Vikings.  No doubt a beneficiary of the Rooney rule, Frazier is so far in over his head, he doesn’t know which his head is and which his ass is.  At least back in the days of Childress, he was so scared of Peterson that he would just cave to whatever demands he wanted.  But Frazier is so full of himself that it’s forced the team into an 0-3 start.  In each of these three losses, the Vikings have blown massive leads.  The Vikings have outscored opponents 54-7.  In the second half and overtime, the Vikings have been outscored 67-6!!!  At some point, Peterson is going to combust.  Leslie Frazier is going to get speared and sent to the hospital.

The formula is simple… If you have a lead, feed your horse.  The more slop the better.  You have the best running back in football and you have a double digit lead in the second half.  I really thought there couldn’t be anybody dumber than Brad Childress but I’ve been proven wrong.  I saw a vintage McNabb pass in which Percy Harvin was wide open down the sideline.  If he leads the receiver Harvin is off to the races.  But where is the ball?  It’s thrown short and at his feet so Harvin has to dive to the ground to catch it and a defender touches him down.  McNabb was benched for Rex Grossman.  Stop being an idiot.  Feed Peterson.  He’s hungry.

After 3 weeks, the Power Rankings have not shifted much.  There is a good and bad to this.  The good part is that I know what I am talking about and that I can evaluate teams objectively.  The bad part is that my team is absolutely terrible.  Here’s where we stand after Week 3.

1. The Stone Masons (3-0) – Last week: 1

Wow, what a week for the Masons.  Left a double digit performance from Derrick Mason on the bench and still delivered in a big way over the #2 team.  Violating rule #1 of fantasy football in a massive way by rostering (and possibly starting this week) 3 Bills.  But maybe the tide is turning in the NFL.  Bills 3-0, Masons 3-0.  Similar to last week, I see no reason to move this team from the top spot.  This team looked good on paper, and delivered on the field.  Already equaling last year’s win total is a big step.  Look for this strong team to keep it up.

2. Tweeting In The Trenches (2-1) – Last week: 3

Despite a loss, I had to move TITTY up.  Some of you may disagree, but I think 2 TITTY is better than 3 TITTY.  Despite the team’s top 2 running backs being subpar thus far, other players are contributing in a major way.  A 50 point effort from Wes Welker makes me cringe, and even moreso since it was all for naught.  I like this team’s potential and I hate every one of his players.  I’m glad I’m done until the postseason.

3. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-1) – Last week: 4

The next 3 teams are very close, but a Petty Poo 11 catch explosion was absolutely uncalled for.  Brady is on pace for 7,000 yards, which would put this team at 5 alone with no other players.  TPG has quietly put up 3 very nice weeks, and if not for a week 2 meltdown at the hands of the Monkeys, would certainly be 3-0.  The cure for a win?  Facing Woody 2 out of the next 3 weeks.  Take up your beef with the schedule maker.

4. Coach Janky Spanky (2-1) – Last week: 5

7:30 AM on Tuesday morning and I’m already getting texts about where this team will be in the power rankings.  #1 in points through 3 weeks, yet I look at your team and I’m not impressed.  Every week I look at the roster and think to myself “Wow, I don’t think this team will do as well next week”.  I will compliment EEB in that he has done very well thus far with lineup decisions.  He has seemed to pick the right guys to use every week, which can certainly make a big difference.  Once the bye weeks hit, I think there could be some issues.

5. Stanky Monkeys (2-1) – Last week: 2

Went to go drink at the Eagles game and did not check lineup before 1 PM.  Peyton Hillis developed strep throat over the weekend and was unable to go against a hapless Dolphins team.  Still would not have won, but this again is a concern that resonates with TPG.  Outside of the big guns, there is not much else.  I think this team may have some struggles in the coming weeks as well, but for the time being is in OK shape.  The lack of focus by the owner certainly hurt this team in the power rankings.

6. Hard Knocks (3-0) – Last week: 6

If I told you that Samuel Woody was 3-0 for the 3^rd straight year, would you believe me?  It is hard to fathom how such an atrocity has been committed.  299, 294, 258…. This is the total amount of points scored against Sam in the first 3 games of each of the last 3 years.  This is a call to action for all league members.  This must stop.  Losing Kenny Britt for the season, and having Miles Austin and Marques Colston out for an extended period of time is going to severely hurt this team, and I fully expect some losses in the coming weeks.

7. The King’s Crusaders (1-2) – Last week: 7

This team has scored over 120 in all 3 weeks yet is 7^th in scoring.  That’s how tough it is this year.  I think there is some undeserved hubris going on here, as beating a retarded kid is not something to hang your hat on.  I don’t know, nothing about this team really stands out and to me the teams ahead on this list all look better.  Could have a rough go of it, as 6 of the next 7 games are against my top 5 teams.  Make or break time will be coming soon.

8. Dueling Pylons (0-3) – Last week: 9

If I had stuck to my gut and started Darren Sproles, would have put up 130 points.  Still would have been a loss, but this team has potential.  Wide Receivers really need to get their act together or this team will be in some serious trouble.  Needs a win desperately, but at this point it appears there is a decent sized gap between the top 7 and the bottom 3.  Not having 3 of your top 5 picks is a huge burden.

9. Animals With Eyepatches (0-3) – Last week: 8

60 points.  Absolutely nothing went right for the Eyepatches in Week 3.  84 points were left on the bench.  Lineup decisions are definitely costing this team right now.  Fighting hard with Gambino for the bottom spot, but stayed out simply due to the fact that this team at some point has been able to break 110 points.  It is very likely that the Eyepatches could be meeting FDS in a real life toilet bowl next week.

10. First Down Syndrome (0-3) – Last week: 10

It’s week 3 and I’m already willing to ask it… Will this team win a game in 2011?  108 points may turn out to be a season high for this team.  It’s not even bad lineup decisions; this just comes down to awful drafting.  If you want to see the importance of having solid keepers look no further than this team.  Lee Evans in the 7^th round was far worse than Burleson in the 4^th.  Probably has a calf tat like Rex Ryan.  Faces top ranked BG and will probably be clowned again in week 4.

The week 4 pivotal matchups are as follows:

The Stone Masons (3-0) v First Down Syndrome (3-0)

Tweeting in the Trenches (2-1) v Animals With Eyepatches (0-3)

Lady Luck (3-0) v Stanky Monkeys (2-1)

The King’s Crusaders (1-2) v Tequila Party Gnomes (2-1)

And the game of the week…

Dueling Pylons (0-3) v Coach Janky Spanky (2-1)

I am not a big believer of the ESPN projections, but they project this to be the highest scoring match of the week.  The Pylons absolutely cannot fall into an 0-4 hole.  No team that has started 0-4 has ever made the EFFL playoffs.  This is a real turning point in the season.  EEB can take a step into becoming a serious contender in 2011, or can fall right into the middle of the pack with a loss.  These teams have only met twice, with the Pylons taking both meetings.  I’m hoping Matt Forte blows out a knee or something.  This is absolutely the turning point in the season for both of these teams, and it may come down to Monday night with Mike “Young Buc” Williams looking to let that boy chef on national TV.  I’m picking Coach Janky Spanky to make my life miserable.

Good luck week 4 everyone.  And don't forget... Let that boy cook.  Let that, let that boy cook.

No Words

 

I tried to think of a creative title to put at the top of this post, but in the end, the title is exactly how I feel.  The time was approximately 1:15 PM.  I was surrounded by TVs in a bar setting and tried to see all 10 games going at once.  I was able to see 9 out of 10, but could not get a view of Lions-Chiefs (which was devastating to begin with).  I alerted TPG to my predicament, and asked for updates on that game.  Not even 5 minutes later I got the text. "Jamaal is down, knee injury.  They're bringing out the cart, looks bad".

Fuck.

The NFL needs to seriously consider why they have a potential injury hazard on the ground.  This piece of plastic could have cost me millions.  Look at that picture.  That dark beast with dreadlocks is reduced to tears because of this stupid piece of plastic they keep at the first down marker.  There are no words to describe the feeling of disgust when your #1 pick gets taken out.  It would never, ever happen to Sam Woody.  I know EEB is a big Jamaal guy, and he has him in another league, so this is just a devastating blow.  You can't look at that picture and not be upset.  I'm tearing up just writing this blog.  The worst words you can hear in the league are "Torn ACL".  Ehhhh, second worst.  #1 would be "Andy's going on a diet"...

Norv of the week recipient week 2: Jack Del Rio

Jack Of The River.  What can be said about you and your decisions to release David Garrard.  Long a BG favorite, Garrard is arguably the best QB in franchise history, depending on your thoughts of Mark Brunell.  I understand that you drafted a QB in the first round.  We all get that when you have an opportunity to draft a QB with the initials BG you jump all over it.  Gabbert to Shorts has a fantastic ring to it.  We even all can understand that you want your rookie QB to learn from a veteran.  But that veteran, in no way, shape or form, can be Luke McCown.  I don't know if he's related to that other McClown, Cade.  I don't care.  I think there was another clown brother along the way.  Josh?  Whatever.

Here are some fun facts on Luke McCown: Actually won a game last week.  9 career TD passes at the ripe age of 30.  WHY DO YOU CUT DAVID GARRARD AND START THIS GUY??????  Do you know what McCown's QB rating was yesterday?  1.8  ... I'm serious.  Clown didn't even know who was on his team and who was on the New York Titans.  6 completed passes to Jaguars.  4 completed passes to Jets.  Oh, he also got tackled for a safety.  It was so painful to watch this guy pretend to be an NFL quarterback.  Of The River was finally forced to insert BG in the 4th quarter.  I guess he thought Luke still had a shot for a comeback down 29-3.  You'll be gone soon Jack.  This type of nonsense is the reason why.  McCown currently is owned in 0.7% of fantasy leagues.  Something is afoot.

Power Rankings after Week 2:

1. The Stone Masons (2-0) - Last week: 1

Another week and another impressive victory for the Masons.  Even the bench got into it this week too.  LeSean McCoy looks unstoppable so far and the receiver combination is arguably the best in the league.  The Lions defense looks dominant and actually is turning out to be a real asset.  Looking real good so far, so no need to change my ranking here.

2. Stanky Monkeys (2-0) - Last week: 2

Wow.  The hits just didn't stop coming all day Sunday, and Tony Gonzalez exploded to give the Monkeys a huge comeback win.  McFadden and AJ did their thing, but the monster weeks from Hillis and Tony G were the difference.  Even a nice showing from Nate Burleson.  Dangerous team.  Even if Vick is hurt for an extended period of time, Cam Newton is a very capable fill in.  Looking strong as well, so again no need for change.

3. Tweeting In The Trenches (2-0) - Last week: 3

A big week could have been even bigger with the use of Jahvid Best.  The Jets defense putting up 20 in back to back weeks is a huge boost when your opponent is having just an average week.  Matt Stafford looks like the real deal.  Decent depth, overloaded at RB, below average at the TE position.  I smell a trade with the Pylons in the near future.

4. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-1) - Last week: 5

Yes TPG lost, and yes TPG got bumped up.  Putting up 147 points in defeat is gut-wrenching, especially when you're done in by Tony Gonzalez.  I know you're demanding he retire.  Perhaps it's time to join Twitter so you can tell him yourself.  Also, just saw your new logo so props on that.  Hernandez is a little banged up, so perhaps you'll be picking up the phone and dialing the Pylons.  My concerns remain, however, in that if Brady or Peterson have a down week, things could go poorly.  Returns from injury will certainly help.

5. Coach Janky Spanky (1-1) - Last week: 7

EEB told me during the week that he had some beef with my #7 ranking from last week.  He also told me that he would be moving up the charts sooner rather than later.  His statements proved to be correct.  A monster game from Jeremy Maclin was the deciding factor.  Also huge performances from AJ Green and Eric Decker on the bench means this team may not be as bad at WR as initially feared.  Then again this is probably the highest point total you'll have all season, but this team's stock is certainly on the rise.

6. Hard Knocks (2-0) - Last week: 8

2-0 is a solid start, but this team definitely looks like the weakest of all the 2-0 teams.  Each Miles Austin touchdown just twisted the knife in the wound inflicted by Jamaal Charles.  His injury could be a big blow to this team that has absolutely zero depth.  Boom or bust team for sure, and two very good weeks so far, but it just doesn't pass the smell test to me.

7. The King's Crusaders (0-2) - Last week: 6

Done in by the Eagles.  That's gotta be an awful feeling.  Making fun of my team's injuries cannot cover the fact that you are 0-2 and staring a shaming in the face with 0-2 Gambino coming to town next week.  Getting 300 points scored on you in two weeks doesn't help matters obviously.  But I think this team is going to start getting near panic mode.  Prepare yourselves for lots of trade offers this week.

8. Animals With Eyepatches (0-2) - Last week: 9

I think Jimish is about even with Chris and Sam right now.  Left 115 points on the bench this week, which certainly could have made a big difference in the outcome of the game, but an entire roster of players with average weeks is more often than not gonna result in a loss.  Nobody exploded, so didn't really have the chance for a big week.  Needs a win badly or this season could turn ugly very quick.

9. Dueling Pylons (0-2) - Last week: 4

Absolutely everything went wrong for the Pylons in Week 2.  Lost Jamaal Charles for the season.  Foster tweaked his hamstring.  Gates and Mike Williams were blanketed with double and triple coverage.  The lone bright spot was another big game from Steege Smiff.  This team still has a ton of talent, but it may be time for some changes.  0-3 would be disastrous.

10. First Down Syndrome (0-2) - Last week: 10

League cupcake.  Still under the impression that Shonn Greene is a good player.  Bench put up a monster 28 points combined.  Your team might have been good in 2007.  Did you see this team name on a Wheel of Fortune Before & After puzzle?  FDS, the team's abbreviation, actually represents the old adage from Animal House... Fat, Drunk and Stupid.  It's no way to go through life son.  I honestly can't see any way this team makes the playoffs.  Perhaps a miracle waiver wire pickup??? I don't know.  None of my feelings from after week 1 have changed.

Week 3 should be interesting as there could really start to be some separation in this league.  All of the 0-2 teams are in danger if they cannot salvage a week 3 victory.  Here are the matchups:

Dueling Pylons (0-2) v Tequila Party Gnomes (1-1) - Lions/Vikings... Enough said.

Tweeting In The Trenches (2-0) v Coach Janky Spanky (1-1) - Excited for this one.  Could be a statement game for Fusco.

Hard Knocks (2-0) v Animals With Eyepatches (0-2) - Jimish really needs to win this.

First Down Syndrome (0-2) v The King's Crusaders (0-2) - Toilet bowl.

and the game of the week...

Stanky Monkeys (2-0) v The Stone Masons (2-0):

I think these are the league's two best teams, so obviously this is gonna be one to watch.  These teams have had vastly different fortunes throughout EFFL history, so this is important to see if the Masons can take the next step to becoming the league's elite.  They are #1 in my power rankings for a reason, and I believe they win it and move to 3-0.  Regardless, the winner of this game will be in a great position at the top of the league.

Looking forward to hearing some feedback, and keep an eye out for those Woody trades.

Shady's Back, Tell a Friend

First of all I wanted to welcome everybody back to the 2011 EFFL season. The trophy is finally back in the hands of the commissioner so it can be properly distributed. Also, I'm glad we were able to get 8 out of 10 together to draft, and I think it turned out better than expected this year. League members... please leave at least one Friday or Saturday around labor day free next year so we can do the draft in AC again. I think it works out best for everyone, especially Lou. I think hosting this year got him a little frazzled when he took Nate Burleson in the first round.

I've also decided that I've been too nice in the blog in the past. This will change. The blog will no longer feature game recaps. The format will be that of power rankings as I see it. This way I can verbally (electronically) assault each of you personally and the bashing will be easier to find. I will still do previews for the next week's games. A new section will commence called "jackass of the week". This will be a weekly ripping of an NFL personality who deserves to switch salaries with me. Most weeks the recipient would likely be Norv Turner... so now that I think about it we're calling it Norv of the week.

Norv of the week recipient week 1: Jason Garrett.

This man is a clown. The Dallas Cowboys are a perennial loser. "America's Team", who nobody actually likes, went 15 years without winning a playoff game. Jason Garrett called the plays for these losers while Wade Phillips was paraded around like a puppet as a fake coach. How do you reward this loser? A promotion! Of course! Jerry Jones has added an additional field to the list of things you can suck at and be promoted. It joins meteorology.

Anyway, the reason Garrett wins Norv of the week is because the Cowboys had the Jets on the ropes... Up 14 points in the 4th quarter and at the Jets 1 yard line, this boner decides to run back to back plays out of the shotgun. Romo fumbles, a punt gets blocked, Romo gets picked, and the rest is history. Just run the ball up the middle, that's it. Or is it you lack confidence and nobody respects you because you took the reins and cut the whole o line. Either way, you earned Norv status. Congratulations asshole. Side note... Don't throw at Revis and try to blame Dez for not coming back to a ball that he had no shot at. Man up Romo... although we know that's not his style. Congratulations Jimish, that's your qb.

Power Rankings after week 1:

1. The Stone Masons (1-0)

I said it leaving the draft.. I thought this was the team to beat. Usually I just blow smoke up bg's ass in hopes that he doesn't threaten to quit, but this time I really mean it. I think the Masons have turned a corner and I fully expect this team to contend all year. Could potentially wind up with the #1 rb and wr this year and will be very tough to beat. Dropping 140 on EEB this week and causing him emotional angst earned you extra points in my book. I can't remember anyone being so fired up at a draft and it turns out the man did his homework in the offseason. While the players were locked out, bg was hungry for knowledge. Congrats on a nice start.

2. Stanky Monkeys (1-0)

Mike Vick is going to have a monster season. I'm a believer 100%. I think between Vick, run Dmc and Andre Johnson, it's going to take a miracle for this team not to be a threat every single week. Based on potential I put this team right there with the Masons. I challenge you all to find something funnier than the range of emotion Lou goes through in assessing his own team. Draft Burleson.. happy. Hear laughter from all 8 other members in the league who have a clue.. sadness. Convinces himself that his team is still nasty after staring at the draft board.. happy. Vital member of the league.

3. Tweeting In The Trenches (1-0)

I was torn on this team. On one hand the owner still signs his high school football number on checks and his self portrait. On the other hand this team is pretty solid top to bottom. If Matt Stafford turns out to be a top 10 qb, this team is a shoe in for the playoffs. Consistency still concerns me a bit, but this team deserves to be in this spot. Frank Gore may be stuck in a fantasy quagmire (giggity) all season. I'm grateful that I don't need to see another text until at least December that says "titttyyyyy". It's nowhere near as good as the real thing. Oh that Eli.

4. Dueling Pylons (0-1)

Yes, that's right... I said it. Think about it. This team put up 120 without a 2nd round pick, a 5th round pick, all while leaving over 80 points on the bench. Faced the top score in week 1, but this team has as much potential as any in the league. Poor lineup decisions and a rash of injuries hurt, but the future is bright. For all you haters.. Steve Smith is back. It's gonna get ugly for teams in coming weeks facing the Pylons. In the great words of Robert Kelly... "haters wanna hate. lovers wanna love. I don't even want none of the above. I want to piss on you".

5. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-0)

Brady and Peterson is a dirty combo. Rest of team looks solid, but not spectacular yet. Either way this team can't be ranked any lower than this at this point. I think UJ was a little nervous as Sunday rolled on, but Monday night proved to be fantastic. I'm not a big fan of this team's depth but a definite contender. Being in a tough division will make them work.

6. The King's Crusaders (0-1)

Had a rough go of it week 1. Perhaps it was just bad luck, but I don't think this team has the potential right now to put up monster weeks that frequently. Mired in trade talks all week, some focus on the task at hand was most likely lost. I'm hoping this is the year the king just crashes and burns. It's unlikely with the teams below though.

7. Coach Janky Spanky (0-1)

The victim of a bg spanking, Janky Spanky has been sent right back to his frequent last place. I'll admit it was a nice week 1, but I think it was more an aberration than reality. A couple nice late round picks could catapult this team. EEB is the winner of best dressed at the draft. If you're gonna draft shitty players you might as well do it in style. Side note, the first 3 jerseys I saw in DC on Sunday were all Sean Taylor jerseys. How pathetic is your team that everyone wears the guy who got shot in the groin and is deceased.

8. Hard Knocks (1-0)

First of all you dropped 2 spots due to your team name. I'd be willing to bet that this is the best Sam does all season. It was a perfect storm in week 1 and that's it. I'm not scared of this team and I'm sure the rest of the league shares that sentiment. Props on making the draft this year, but you still haven't learned that tipping your hand to your brother only gets you screwed in the end. I will have the trophy for you soon.

9. Animals With Eyepatches (0-1)

Jimish gets the nod here because he made his picks in a timely fashion this year.Delicious and D.Bo obviously won't be that bad on a normal basis but I'm not sure this team has game breaking ability at this juncture. More often than not I'd expect somewhere in the 90-110 range, which is no longer very intimidating in this league. Gonna need to see something more in week 2 for me to change my mind. Still the best logo in the league.

10. First Down Syndrome (0-1)

This was the most obvious ranking. Who knew the team name change represented a recently diagnosed condition. This is the worst team in the league. Drank the shonn greene kool aid and saved the rest of the league. Actually started Lee Evans. I could honestly go on for days. It's gonna be a very very long season for these cellar dwellers. Thanks for your $75 donation. Maybe you should have drafted Laveraneus Coles.

As we move into week 2 here are the matchups this weekend:

The Stone Masons (1-0) v Animals With Eyepatches (0-1)
Hard Knocks (1-0) v Dueling Pylons (0-1)
Tequila Party Gnomes (1-0) v Stanky Monkeys (1-0)
TITTY (1-0) v First Down Syndrome (0-1) ... lol

and the game of the week...

Coach Janky Spanky (0-1) v The King's Crusaders (0-1)

This has become one of the biggest rivalries in the EFFL. Each owner spends hours upon hours reading about fantasy and touting the next big thing. Whether it be a 3rd string running back or the length of the grass on the field... all bases are covered. So as we enter week 2 each finds themselves in a precarious position. As EEB knows first hand, a slow start can be too big a hole to dig yourself out of. This is the only winless matchup of week 2 so the loser will be guaranteed to be in last place. There is a ton of pride at stake here, and if these two don't express it to each other directly, I'm always informed of how satisfying it is when one beats the other. I am still a believer in the woody squad and am picking him here, but this is definitely gonna be a close one.

I hope you enjoyed week 1 and the new blog format, but if not I'll listen to the critics. Good luck to everyone this week.