Tuesday, October 30, 2018

His Cheek Was on the Pitch!


Ghost Written by: B. Lobitz Jr.

Week 8 is officially in the books and it was a doozy.  The first game of the week led to some graphic content:


Which led me to react like this little girl (to both the ridiculous skill of this catch and the absurd OPI penalty called on @nukdabomb):


“IF” I were going to follow the blog format of our studious commish I would do a “beef of the week” here but I will leave that task for him once he gets back to blogging….  “IF”, I were to do a “mini” BOTW it would have been with the referees, the roughing the passer penalties are out of control, but we all already know this.  Complaining about it even further would just make me feel like a Democrat, I’ll just leave it alone.  Another possible mini BOTW could have been with the city of LA…How can your team be a remarkable 7-0 and have a home game where the visiting team's fans fill the rafters?!?! I was actually astonished when I heard that crowd.  Haha.  What a JOKE!!! This is how they tried to cover up the USC logo from a game in the coliseum the night before???





Great Googly Moogly.  The city is a complete joke, and anyone that lives there should be ashamed of themselves.  They don’t deserve Gurley.  Speaking of the USC game, this guy is the odds on favorite to be the “first person drafted by Lobitz post-blackout next year”:


*****Monday Update*****

One more “mini” BOTW that I am certainly NOT going to address is Hue Jackson.  On Monday morning the Browns woke up (literally and physically) and finally said:


To call this massive loser a dumpster fire would be a severe understatement. He had multiple players comparing him to Michael Scott with reporters (except he wasn’t beloved like Michael).  I know we have all heard them before, but let the numbers 1-31 set in for a minute… 1-31!!!!! Uno and treinta y uno!!!! I – XXXI!!!!  ONE AND THIRTY-ONE!!!  I just cant, so I wont.  We thank Hue for all his contributions to the company and wish him the best in all his future endeavors.


Now on to some non-football fun…. Much to the surprise of nobody reading this I am going to talk a little bit about gambling.  What an incredible world we live in, it really is remarkable.  The Titanic 2 is set for its maiden voyage in 2022 and you can actually bet on if it will sink or not (Yes +2000 No -5000).  Sharp money is on “No” but heavy early degenerate “Yes” money is steaming the line down.  Creed 2 is coming out on Thanksgiving and in a much anticipated bout, the son of Apollo Creed will be fighting the son of Ivan Drago (for those of you living on the moon, Ivan killed Apollo in Rocky 4), and you CAN BET ON IT (Creed -1000 Drago +600).  I can see myself on opening day, stuffed with turkey and IPAs, at the local AMC 8, rooting the Russian on to cash my $20 Drago ticket.  “THROW THE DAMN TOWEL!!”

THEN, the next day, on Black Friday @ 3P.M. EST via a “well worth the price” PPV we get to experience the sheer joy on the face of Phil Mickelson doing things like this:



FIFTY GRAND???  I am not sure if anyone else in EFFL is an avid golf fan like me, but I am going to seriously enjoy watching this.  And you best believe I will be betting on it.  I may even open up this prop bet for EFFL members to bet on.

Which total will be higher??

$$$ lost by me on Thanksgiving Football Bets + $$$ lost by me on the Tiger V. Phil

Or

$$$ spent by his wife shopping on Black Friday

It’s going to be an expensive 4 day span, and I cannot wait for it.


Power Rankings
(I am also going to assign a Most Liked Player (MLP), and Least Liked Player (LLP) on each squad, call it a quasi mid-season award ceremony of sorts if you want.  This will be based partially on merit and mostly so I can love on my favorite players and talk shit on players I don’t like).

14.) Tequila Party Gnomes (1-7): The Championship hangover is REAL….and its SPECTACULAR!  This week I offered you DJ Moore for Jameis Winston (who btw is your backup to a QB that has already had his bye, is a future first ballot Hall of Famer, AND only missed 3 games in the last 14 YEARS) and got laughed at.  Then I watched you start Keelan Cole, Corey Clement, and Nhymen Hines who combined for 11 points.  Winston throws 4 picks and gets benched for Fitzmagic…. Now I’m laughing. (P.S. – Keep the Leonardo Fournetti voice notes coming!!)

MLP: Alvin Kamara: As Napoleon Dynamite would say, “it's pretty much my favorite animal.”  I love everything about this guy.  Its a shame he’s being wasted on the Gnomes.

LLP: Amari Cooper:  Guy has done nothing (currently WR59) and Dallas trades a 1st round pick for him?? I hope it’s a top 10 selection.


13.) Tweeting in the Trenches (1-7): Another week, another loss.  Brutal season, and at this point, if I were you, I would just focus on the GMen (which should be easy since you have the same record as them).

MLP: Aaron Jones: The only thing holding this guy back is terrible coaching by McCarthy.  He's a beast, should be a bell cow but they, for some inexplicable reason, keep using Williams and Ty Montgomery.  Makes no sense

LLP: Dalvin Cook: Can’t fault the guy for getting injured but not being able to bounce back at this point seems like a case of vaginitis.


12.) Ouch! My Hamstringy! (4-4): Snuck it past a bad TITTY squad this week.  I just don’t see much going for you.  You got Brady, but Fournette may never play and only one other player excites me.

MLP: Phillip Lindsay: As reference above, this guy gets me amped up!! Looks like a rising star and should only see more playing time going forward.  Benny likey.

LLP: Tom Brady:  Doesn’t everybody dislike Brady at this point?


11.) The Monkeys (3-5):  Nice showing this week.  Wentz looks like he could be rounding into the form he was in last year prior to the injury (hopefully).  Gotta be disappointed in the output from DJ and OBJ so far.  If they turn it up those 3 guys could carry you.

MLP: Carson Wentz: Doesn’t everybody like Wentz at this point?

LLP: OBJ:  Why cant this guy just act like a normal person for a change.  Call Bobby Boucher and enjoy some high quality H2O.


10.) The Old Ball Sack (3-5): Yet another nice game out of Luck and AB showed up in a big way.  Anemic otherwise.  Nothing here makes me think you will surge going forward.

MLP: Andrew Luck:  I am extremely impressed in how he has come back as I thought there was a chance he had “dead arm” and was totally cooked.  Comeback POY candidate.  Tough guy.  Role Model.

LLP: Cooper Kupp:  Nothing negative to say….I just hate em, cuz I ain't em.


9.) Bo$$town Cutter (4-4): A win against TPG doesn’t get the attention of anyone in this league.  Not really scared of the firepower, or lack thereof coming from this team. . . I think I might have read somewhere that the Red Sox won the World Series, so congrats on that….I guess.

MLP: Jared Goff:  Living up to being the #1 overall pick in a big way.  Working well with McVay and the offense just seems unstoppable.  And gotta love his city!!

LLP: Jordan Howard:  Brutally bad plodder that takes opportunities away from the human joystick.  Yuck.


8.) Geno 911 (3-5): Cousins, Saquon, DJax, Jeffery, Ertz, Hilton.  I fear them all (especially if Hilton can ever get to 100%). Fortunately for me I play you next week when 4 of them are on bye.  I could see a late season surge from you.

MLP: Saquon Barkley:  I hate to say it since he is a GMan but the dude is just an absolute stud.  Assuming they get Herbert #1 overall next year and a new HC he will be deadly.

LLP: Marshawn Lynch:  While I know he will probably be dropped soon since he is on IR, this gives me one last opportunity to say, his antics just never did it for me.  Immense skill, but just couldn’t do an interview when he was supposed to.  Doesn’t seem like a difficult task.  Good riddance.


7.) Team Bartholomew (3-5): Not much analysis here, solid squad, right in the hunt.  Gotta see how the cookie crumbles.

MLP: Tarik Cohen:  So small in stature, so big in STATSture.  Absolutely love every time he gets the rock in his hands.

LLP: Demaryius Thomas:  Big, slow, bad hands, low on target share, bad QB, need I say more.


6.) Pork Chop Express (5-3): The commish said it well on last weeks blog…”Fading”  “on the surface should be good, but overall underperformance”. I agree.  Was hoping Chubb getting bell cow duties would be a serious boost but it's just not happening.  Thanks Cleveland!!

MLP: Deandre Hopkins:  Nuk is the man, and he knows it

LLP: Corey Davis:  Why cant this guy live up to the expectations.  I know his offense is lethargic but he should man up and be better than WR47.


5.) Dueling Pylons (5-3): Seem to be on a nice little run after some tough matchups.  Rodgers + Gurley has opponents always staring down the barrel of a shotgun, but I don’t know that you can ride James White the rest of the way home.

MLP: Todd Gurley: MVP…. Was really hoping the play where he went down at the 1 was going to cost you this week's game but even though Todd likes the Rams more than the Pylons you still finally caught an opponent (THBT) on a down week so it didn’t matter.  Would have made for great blog material, but oh well.

LLP: James White: The fact that this guy is a thing makes me so annoyed.  RB5 on the season.  Why do teams REFUSE to cover him out of the backfield?  Makes no sense.


4.) The Kings Crusaders (4-4): I like the outlook for this squad as they seem very solid all around.  If Mitch keeps it up, this team could be a scary playoff opponent any given week.

MLP: Kareem Hunt: Whats not to like here?  Andy Reid thinks he is “elite” and although it's rare that this happens, I agree with Big Red.

LLP:  Josh Gordon: How does this guy keep getting opportunities? He clearly can't and won't get his act together.  Now not being able to show up on time in New England.  Wont be surprised if BB cuts his ass.


3.) Team BG (6-2): I love your creativity with the team name.  Maybe next season you could get crazy and go with “Team Brandon” or “Team 10”.  Another solid all around team.  Great WR talent/depth.  Been hearing fantasy pundits saying Mayfield could have the most favorable matchups for fantasy purposes the rest of the way…But Cleveland.

MLP: Michael Thomas: Twitter handle of “cantguardmike”…..and it hits the nail right on the head.

LLP: Baker Mayfield:  No other reason than he is a “hate the face” guy to me.  I wanna punch it.


2.) Tiny Hands Bigly Tweets (6-2): Shit the bed this week, but cant ignore the record and point total.  Mahomes to Hill can win any game at any time…Zeke….Adams.  Uh-Oh.

MLP: Patrick Mahomes: Hit the ground running and has made the league a lot more fun.  Love watching him play.  Glad he is in the AFC.

LLP: Ezekiel Elliott: Major bias here as I dislike ALL Cowboys.  Especially the talented ones.  Luckily they don’t have many.


1.) Cash me Out Wide (7-1):  I personally got the pleasure of being on the wrong end of this squad this week.  At the end of the day when I saw the list of leading rushers and the top 3 were Conner, AP, and Mixon all I could do was laugh.  Dropped 152 and for some absurd reason started Kelvin Benjamin (6) and Funchess (5) over Tyler Boyd (28).  Didn’t matter.  This team is good.  Can't say much more.  Other than I guess I need to change my draft strategy next year…. The formula is as follows----- Become unreachable early afternoon + show up an hour late to the draft + complain for an additional 1.5 hours about all the amazing players I got = Have best team in the league…Got it.


I will leave you all by paying homage to our absentee blogger and exalted commish with some #billsmafia material and wish him GOOD LUCK on his actuary exam this week (which is the reason you were all stuck reading my rubbish, instead of  his.):


And this hero, who looks like he got a bukkake from Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut:




I hope you all enjoyed this week's blog. I enjoyed writing it. Good luck in Week 9!

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Wednesday, October 24, 2018

Week 7 in the Books


Yes, that's Chad Kelly. Yes, he's no longer on a football team following a mysterious arrest. Let's hear it from Rotoworld:

"Now ex-teammate Von Miller had a Halloween party Monday night. Kelly apparently got too intoxicated, had physical altercations with a guest and then security. The 24-year-old somehow then ended up in a stranger's residence, sitting on the couch, mumbling incoherent words. Police arrived and arrested Kelly for first-degree criminal trespassing."

This is ridiculous. It's story time.

Many moons ago, in 2005-2006, Christiana Towers housed 3 league members and an extremely religious alcoholic. One hungover morning, TPG recounts (and keep me honest here) his previous night, where entered an unlocked door, and subsequently slept over... some random dude's apartment.

Apparently, after drinking, Matt returned to Christiana Towers West, but did not enter room 809. He entered a different, unoccupied room on the 8th floor. He disrobed, preparing for sleep. He opened drawers, found bball shorts, and went to sleep in a bunk bed. The next morning, he returned to his roommates in 809 West. Somehow, some way. his presence went undetected. He kept the bball shorts. Cost of doing business for the guy having someone sleep over.

Now, is what Chad Kelly did, THAT bad?!?! He got kicked off the team for getting drunk and slurring words? Come on. The league needs heroes like Chad Kelly. I hope he doesn't go Manziel and ruin his life with sobriety.


This was the best thing from Week 7. This was the best thing to date this season. Who wears a shirt that says "I shaved my balls for this?" Getting to see Showtime Mahomes is exactly why you SHOULD shave your balls.

Beef of the Week: Showtime Mahomes

This is a horrible nickname. Is he a TV channel? How did this nickname catch on. I don't get it. I'm not on board. Not every QB needs a nickname. In fact, I don't even know how many I can name:

Captain Kirk
Big Dick Nick
The Red Rocket

Basically, if it's not a euphemism, it's not that funny. What is "Showtime" Mahomes? I hope that goes away. I really do.

Here's some more funny stuff from Week 7:




When she sees BG walk by (no coincidence the numbers in this picture are 6/6):


This poor lady was murdered by Kenny Stills:


Another angle:


I need Tatz dressed like this all the time:


Power Rankings

Starting to see a bit of separation in the EFFL.

14. Tweeting in the Trenches (1-6) - Last week: 14 - See you in 2019. This season is cooked.

13. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (3-4) - Last week: 13 - Respectable. Won a game. Looks to be trending upwards. Leonardo will be back at some point.

12. Stanky Monkeys (2-5) - Last week: 12 - Still only 2 games back with plenty of time to play. This team hasn't turned it on like I've expected.

11. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-6) - Last week: 11 - Truly snakebitten in 2018. Could go down as the highest player ever drafted in the EFFL to never play a snap. Sucks.

10. Bo$$town Cutter (4-3) - Last week: 9 - Had no problem dropping 140 on me. I'm still leaning towards you being out of the playoffs.

9. The Old Ball Sack (3-4) - Last week: 10 - This team is like a retirement home. Would've been pretty good in 2014. Different story this year. Work to be done.

8. Pork Chop Express (5-2) - Last week: 5 - Fading. Team won a couple games with low point totals. This team could easily be below .500. Typical Lobitz team. On the surface should be good, but overall underperformance.

7. The King's Crusaders (4-3) - Last week: 7 - Unlike many others, headed in the right direction. You've planned weeks in advance which usually helps you down the stretch.

6. Geno 911 (2-5) - Last week: 8 - It does feel a bit weird to have a 2-5 team this high, but you've been pounded by so many dudes, and it's not your fault. Team isn't half bad.

5. Team BG (5-2) - Last week: 4 - After a hot start, has come back down to earth a bit. Your team is still pretty good. Shouldn't have any problems making the playoffs.

4. Team Bartholomew (3-4) - Last week: 6 - Finally got it right. This team could easily be among the elite if not for poor lineup decisions. I think you figure it out going forward. Dangerous team.

3. Dueling Pylons (4-3) - Last week: 3 - Over .500 for the first time this season. DUPY is scorching hot. 140+ points 4 weeks in a row. Sony Michel injury hurts, but he'll be back.

2. Cash Me Out Wide (6-1) - Last week: 2 - I can't keep up with your team name. Just pick one. Julio will score at some point. Maybe not in 2018, but at some point he will score another TD.

1. Tiny Hands Bigly Tweets (6-1) - Last week: 1 - Big matchup with DUPY this week. Thank you for erroneously texting me that you love me. I accept.


Looking forward to a fun week 8. We will have a guest blogger next week. If you would like to guest blog at any point, just let me know!

Also don't forget the weekly London games at this point. Lot of 9:30 starts.

LASTLY, there will be a Monday night Rams/Chiefs game played this season. It will be at the Azteca in Mexico City. If you'd like to join me on a trip to Mexico for probably the best NFL game this season, let's do it up!
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Tuesday, October 16, 2018

Back in Biz


Well how the hell are ya?!? Blog is back in the saddle after a one week hiatus. Football was good this week. Finally. There was a Nathan Peterman sighting. He immediately threw a pick-6. Brock Osweiler won a football game. Jets/Colts subjected everyone to a combined 76 points. Chiefs/Pats. The Monday night game. Tyreek Hill got beer thrown on him and Drew Rosenhaus wanted to press charges. This week had it all.

It also had the Notorious MMA, who of course is a Cowboys fan.




All the Cowboys were doing the McGregor... except for Cole Beasley, who... I don't know what this is


Best celebration of the week, however, goes to Marquise Goodwin. And not just because he was on Tatz's bench and I won because of it:


Now, this is not necessarily a beef, but more of a question. How does Booger McFarland, on his "Booger Cart" get literally the best seat anyone could ever have at a football game? This doesn't even exist! Nobody wants to be in the first couple rows because you're so low to the action. You want to be at least 10 rows up to get some viewing angle.

Booger is practically on the sideline, elevated 10 feet above sea level, blocking everyone's view. He's got the best of both worlds! You heat up.. the ice!! Look at these views!



I want these seats.

Beef of the Week: The New York FOOTBAW Giants

This may or may not be a long rant. Depends how I feel once I get going.

This is moreso Troy Aikman inspiring this beef. "You feel bad for Pat Shurmur. First year head coach. Team has no discipline on the field. No discipline off the field."

You know who demands accountability and discipline, Troy?!?!? HEAD COACHES! If Odell is a whiny brat fighting a wind tunnel on the sideline and then jogging off with time remaining on the clock, you as a coach must hold him accountable. Sit his ass down and tell him to stop his temper tantrum. If you commit a billion penalties for head-hunting that's completely avoidable, you bench a player. If there are no consequences for your actions, there's no discipline. It starts with the head coach. Your head coach sucks.

Then, we got to the Eli thing about how the fans revolted when Eli was benched. Not because he sucked. Not because he won a Super Bowl over a decade ago. But because the alternative was Geno Smith. "He's earned that respect. You've gotta get signoff from ownership to bench the QB" No you fucking don't! Coach chooses which players play, not ownership. This isn't Any Given Sunday. Cameron Diaz isn't waltzing the sideline demanding you play Willie Beamen (even though benching the old, washed up white guy for the young, black gunslinger was exactly what Cameron wanted). The fans were mad because they thought Eli gave them the best chance to win when the coaching staff, who actually knows football, felt otherwise.

They ran ol Ben McAdoo and his luscious mustache (pronounced moo-stah-kee) out of town. And now what happens? Eli is mercilessly booed, while everyone is enamored with Saquon Barkley's thick thighs. You'll see Saquon jerseys everywhere. They love him. Everyone in the North Jersey area went to Penn State. And you know who the biggest hypocrites are?!? All of these so-called Giants fans. Got bent out of shape over a QB getting benched, then boo him afterwards, then go nuts over a RB, when the Giants had a chance to draft a QB. It's so hypocritical. Do you want a new QB or not?!?!? It won't happen. Eli will just keep losing and losing and losing. BUT YOU CAN'T BENCH HIM. HE'S EARNED THAT!

You know what Eli's record is since 2012? 27-51. That's almost 6 seasons of football with a 34.6% winning percentage. HE'S EARNED THAT RESPECT. I honestly hope they never bench him.


Power Rankings

14. Tweeting in the Trenches (1-5) - Last week: 14. Finally won a game! Hooray! Enjoy the Giants. I see no hope for this team.

13. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (2-4) - Last week: 11. Ladies, please. Make an effort. Using guys like Niles Paul and Ryan Grant is offensive to the league.

12. Stanky Monkeys (2-4) - Last week: 13. Still think this team will come around. 2-4 is no problem with all of the 3-3 teams. Could be moving up in the next couple weeks.

11. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-5) - Last week: 8. Not looking good for TPG. Le'Veon refuses to return. Saints will carry you. I'm still surprised by the record.

10. The Old Ball Sack (3-3) - Last week: 10. Narrowly missed out on winning a game with fewer than 90 points. I still don't see it. I think you'll get pushed down the standings.

9. Bo$$town Cutter (4-2) - Last week: 12. Moving up, and the 4-2 record is nice, but man this team is not intimidating. Of course dropped 140 on me.

8. Geno 911 (2-4) - Last week: 9. This is unheard of. 4th in points scored, but only 2-4. Sounds like the Pylons season. Up 81-0 after Thursday night, you probably felt great. Actually, you probably have no idea what's happening in the EFFL as you climb Mount Fuji. Sick pictures.

7. The King's Crusaders (3-3) - Last week: 6. Still on the fence. You'll probably get in the playoffs, but I think this team is volatile. Putting all your eggs in the Lions basket.

6. Team Bartholomew (2-4) - Last week: 7. Your team also is improving but the record doesn't show it. That's also surprising to me. Too many points on the bench. You'll get it right.

5. Pork Chop Express (5-1) - Last week: 3. Won 2 fantasy games by fewer than 2 points combined. That's impressive. Fewer points than a number of 2-4 teams. Gotta feel a bit lucky for a change.

4. Team BG (4-2) - Last week: 2. Fallen back a bit after a hot start. Did have everyone on a bye though. I still think you're one of the better teams in the league.

3. Dueling Pylons (3-3) - Last week: 5. Always hesitant to move myself up, but DP is hot. Averaging over 150 the past 3 weeks. Seems to have found the right combo. Rodgers/Gurley is absolutely on fire.

2. MC Dosh - Hammer Time (5-1) - Last week: 4. I moved you up, alright? James Conner seemed to be fading, but he's back. You've allowed 95 or fewer points in 4 of 6 weeks. That helps. But your team is looking good with the Bengals and Falcons.

1. Tiny Hands Bigly Tweets (5-1) - Last week: 1. Clearly the top team in the league at this point. This happened a couple years ago also. Could very well be you and Dosh battling for the bye. You play each other in Week 13.



Thanks for reading the Eli rant, and the entire blog. Only TPG and TITTY aren't within 1 game of a playoff spot, and they're 2 back. Still everything to play for as we reach the halfway point.
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Tuesday, October 2, 2018

Week 4 Blog

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