Monday, December 15, 2014

The 2014 Finals

Nobody wants to read this. But there is some irony here:



What did you just watch? You just watched Dosh's favorite player, Jordy Nelson, drop the pass that would have sent him to the championship. Had Jordy caught it and gone all the way, it would be Dosh in the finals and not Woody.

This year sucks. It's Woody v. Fusco in the finals. Fusco is going for the 3-Peat. Woody going for his 4th EFFL title in his unprecedented 7th championship game. Everyone is pissed. Tatz put up 144 and it wasn't good enough.

Did I say we're going to a Bills game next year? I meant Lions:




RG3 had the worst call in the history of the NFL against him wipe out a TD. Santana Moss stabbed a referee. They'll probably beat the Eagles.



Poor Tatz. Anyway, I hope both Fusco and Woody lose, and someone else is somehow crowned champion. But more importantly, it will be one of those two that has the final say in the costume Yashar will wear to the 2015 EFFL Draft. Couple that with the new trophy, and there is a ton at stake. I'm not going to make a pick, because I don't want to. Lucky you got this blog.



I love Gronk.
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Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Only 4 Remain



Thanks to Adam Tatz for the dick pics. http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2014/12/nfl-logos-as-dicks.html

Also, Cutty, where is your 69 shirt?




Lots of other exciting football news. DeMarco Murray has a new nickname. He is now forever known as "Spray Tan". But DeMarco isn't alone in banging other dude's girls. Apparently Russell Wilson has stolen Joseph Fauria's girlfriend. Not a good look.

As I watched the 49ers get clowned by the Raiders and Colin Kaepernick ruin his career, I wondered how many fights there would be. It was inevitable. I've found at least 5 on the internet today. At a tailgate, in the stands, I just don't get it. Why are you fighting?

But the funniest thing was Cam Newton doing the Superman celebration and sparking a brawl. Curtis Lofton didn't like it, bumped Newton, and Cam's response was priceless. He looked at him like "Bro, I'm celebrating! What are you doing?!?!?"

And if you haven't seen this Vine, you need to:





I passed on this guy for Reggie Bush. Idiot.


But I take it back. The absolute funniest thing was Jeff Fisher sending out the entire haul the Rams got in the RG3 trade for the coin toss. Grade A trolling. The Redskins suck.


I'll keep this short and sweet.

The King's Crusaders obviously upset the Pork Chop Express. Ben finishes with no money from this season. That Eric Decker snooze proved to cost you at least $100. Le'Veon Bell dropped 47 points and is most likely the fantasy MVP. Going double Steelers has proven to be one of the smartest moves all season. Woody will move on and take on Dosh in the semis.

Meanwhile, Team Bartholomew went ahead and obliterated two time champ Stanky Monkeys. Tatz was sitting on my couch laughing at how good his team was. At 2:45 he was about to crack 130 points. AJ Green and Cam Newton just kept pouring it on. He showed no remorse for the beating. Hopefully the fantasy gods do not punish you in the semifinals. But the good news is that you are in the money. The Stanky Monkeys put up an unprecedented 171 points in defeat. You win that game 49 times out of 50. Tough luck all season.

But the game of the week was clearly between TITTY and Bo$$town Cutter. At one point Sunday afternoon, the game was projected to end 156-155. While that did not pan out, it came close. TITTY put up 122 points, and had a 30 point lead heading into Monday night with just Eddie Lacy remaining for Cutter. Lacy exploded in the first half, immediately putting Fusco on the ropes. Lacy brought Cutty to within 3 points, injured himself, and was unable to continue. The two time champ is still alive.


Semifinals
#1 DA BEARDS v. #7 The King's Crusaders

While Dosh finished the regular season atop the standings, he is no doubt the underdog in this matchup. ESPN, while clueless, has him at almost a 40 point underdog. And who can blame them. Woody has the #1 RB and #1 WR, and that's not even including McCoy or Maclin. But Dosh's Rodgers/Lynch combo has panned out, and it is right up there with the Steelers duo. When these teams met back in Week 8, Woody unloaded to the tune of 187 points. While I don't expect another 89 point victory, I would be very surprised to see a Dosh win. I expect Woody to get back to the title game after a two year absence.

Commish Pick: The King's Crusaders


#5 Team Bartholomew v. #6 Tweeting in the Trenches

 This is going to be a good one. A classic ehhhhyoudee battle with Tatz v Fusco. I don't know how Chris did it, but he did. I'm not going to lie, I wrote everything but the game previews prior to Tuesday, including the above lines: "At 2:45 he was about to crack 130 points. AJ Green and Cam Newton just kept pouring it on. He showed no remorse for the beating. Hopefully the fantasy gods do not punish you in the semifinals."

Tuesday morning, Cam Newton's truck overturned 4 times and he had to be stretchered to the hospital. I had no idea how serious you'd be punished. If he can't go, it's a big question at QB. I really can't believe Fusco is still in it starting Ryan Mathews, Boom Herron and LeGarrette Blount. That ain't right. But he does not wanna give up that trophy, and I fear Tatz may have jumped the gun in round 1. I'm predicting a final between teams that have 5 of the 9 EFFL Championships.

Commish Pick: Tweeting in the Trenches


Good luck to the final 4. Remember, if you lose you get $100. If you win, you're playing for the big bucks. $700 to first place. $300 to second. If Woody wins it all, he'll collect $850 between that and the high score prize. Don't let that happen. Also, this is entirely contingent on Yashar paying his league fees. Good luck to all.
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Monday, December 1, 2014

The 200 Club

There are no members. It looked possible Sunday that an EFFL member might finally hit 200 points. Woody needed just 10 points from Travis Kelce to do it, and he could only muster 6. In 10 seasons, it's never happened. Instead he had to settle for 196, taking over the points title, and taking EEB's playoff spot. I think he'll be OK. EEB still won $50 as 2nd high score, but not much consolation.

When asked about the performance, Kelce had this to say: "I missed the EEB/Woody rivalry. This is for you EEB."



The regular season has concluded. I'll be shocked if half of you even read this thing. With that being said, I'll try to keep this short and sweet. Nothing funny happens in football anymore. Now that it's crunch time, you don't see Browns fans puking on themselves. But this is damn close:

A photo posted by Donna Ross (@donnadontwanna) on



Surely you remember this mannequin from earlier blogs, but with the Bills-Browns matchup, this is special.

A video posted by Kelsey Ptucha (@ktuch3479) on



Go Bills:



We got this Mike Evans block:



See, I was joking. Football is still hilarious. And tailgating is the best thing ever. Next fall, boys weekend. Everyone invited. Cutter only if you come solo. We're going to a Bills game to freeze our asses off. It'll be glorious.

I don't have any more beef. I'm over fantasy football. Here's what's going on for the playoffs. Keep in mind, the lowest remaining seed will play Dosh. The other two teams will play each other.

#1 DA BEARDS (9-4): Limped into playoffs following losses to bottom feeders Sam and Yashar. Only got the #1 seed because Ben fell asleep like an old man on a Sunday afternoon and forgot to take Eric Decker out of his lineup. You won by 1 point. That mistake gave you the bye. If Woody wins, you're in trouble next week.


 #2 Pork Chop Express (9-4) v. #7 The King's Crusaders (7-6)

 It took 2 wins in the final 2 weeks, but Woody made the playoffs to keep his unblemished record alive. 10 seasons, 10 years making the playoffs. Remarkable. Ben can't be happy with this draw given his napping mentioned above. Woody has now cracked 185 points twice this season. He also cracked 150 another time. And all of that is since Week 8. But the Express has been very solid, and I'd argue almost as hot as the King. They've cracked 130 in 5 of the final 6 weeks, and now Josh Gordon is back and Isaiah Crowell has the RB job. Don't be surprised to face Johnny Football in the playoffs. This is the game of the week for sure.

Commish Pick: Pork Chop Express in a close one.


 #3 Bo$$town Cutter (8-5) v. #6 Tweeting in the Trenches (7-6)

 Chris texted me in panic Sunday night demanding to know playoff scenarios and if the Week 13 matchup mattered. It mattered not, because you two will meet again in the playoffs. I love when teams play back to back weeks. Billz unloaded in Week 13, and it could have been even worse if he didn't leave his boy Fleener on the bench. He's been trying to deal him all season. But sometimes the best trades are the ones you don't make. It's a big responsibility for you here, Cutty. Facing the two-time defending champ. If you want your name on the trophy, you have to take it from the guy holding it. I wouldn't be surprised to see this go either way. It should be a good one. I'll side with the defending champ here to move on.

Commish Pick: Tweeting in the Trenches
#4 Stanky Monkeys (8-5) v. #5 Team Bartholomew (7-5-1)

 Very interesting matchup here. Tatz finally got the win he needed to get in. He was 6-1 after 7 weeks and completely fell apart down the stretch. Conversely, Lou won his final 3, including a critical week 13 matchup to get in. But that doesn't really tell the whole story. These teams have put up similar points all season. They met all the way back in week 1, and Tatz won 132-130. If both teams score 130+ again I will be very, very surprised. I need to see something out of Team Bartholomew at the QB position. If that happens, I think they win. If not, I think the Stanky Monkeys go through. Yet another close matchup. If the winner gets Dosh, it will be a gift.

Commish Pick: Stanky Monkeys

And before we leave, I'll leave with some parting words for each team.

8. A Lot O'Tatz (6-6-1): Epic meltdown to miss the playoffs. Was 5-2 and finished the season 1-4-1. How close was it? Had you just scored 1 more point against Tatz and beaten him instead of tying, it would've been you in the playoffs at 7-6 and Woody on the outside looking in. 1 point ruined your season. Just like 1 point knocked Ben out of #1. It's a cruel world in fantasy football. 2nd highest scoring team and didn't make the playoffs. Ironic that you had a lot o' Tatz, and in the end it was too much Tatz that kept you out. See you in 2015.

9. Geno 911 (6-7): The opportunity was there in Week 13 to win and get in, but ultimately you pooped your pants and scored 82 against Lou. Your team has stunk all season, and it finally came to fruition. Your prized possession, Jimmy Graham, didn't even draw a target in your most important game. The good news is that you have some pretty solid keepers in Forsett and LaFell. Under the radar guys who have been solid all year. You and I made the same mistake. Didn't draft young enough. I'll learn from that mistake.

10. Big Brother's Bitch (6-7): Tough year all around. I think your roster is solid, but total inconsistency all year ultimately led to your demise. Your spreadsheet gave you Andre Ellington. It also gave you Toby Gerhart and Pierre Garcon. But if CJ Anderson is the real deal, that's huge for keeper purposes. Starting with him and Lamar Miller could be big. You're always in it, and I'm sure you'll be back.

11. Dueling Pylons (5-8): Terrible year for the Pylons. The real problem was the draft. The draft was basically complete garbage. Peterson, Reggie Bush, Patterson and Michael Floyd were this team's "building blocks". It's a miracle I didn't end up in last. Don't worry, tho. I'm coming back strong next year. I'm not drafting old running backs. I'm not drafting unproven receivers. It doesn't work. I was fucked up, and I started making better picks. That's not a coincidence. Look out in 2015.

12. The Smokin' Jays (5-8): Jamaal Charles was a good pick. Everything else was pretty bad. Rashad Jennings injury basically sealed your fate. Made a total of 8 moves all season. Given your roster, you would think that more would be necessary. Lack of commitment to the EFFL hurt this team. Lucky to avoid the costume.

13. Tequila Party Gnomes (4-9): Rough 2014 for TPG. Rolled out a beast of a 3 headed monster at RB. They all got injured. Traded for Ahmad Bradshaw. Got injured. QB Nick Foles was also injured. In a 14 team league, when you lose 4 RBs and a QB, you've got virtually no shot. It sucks. Yashar feels your pain. Come back strong in 2015.

14. Team Toliver (3-10): PAY YOUR LEAGUE FEES!!!!!



Good luck in Week 14. I'll be back with a preview for the semifinals next week.
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Monday, November 24, 2014

Final Blog of the Regular Season



This is a special blog. Not only is it down to the final week, but this is also the 100th blog post. I can't believe we've gotten that far, but it's been 100 blogs! That's over 200,000 words on fantasy football. That's a lot of wasted time hahah. There have been ups and downs. Blog classics. I hope you all send me memorable moments from the blog over the years.

Sadly, this blog could not have come at a worse time. I'm moving tomorrow, so I'll try to get through this as quickly as possible as I pack up my shit.

We all saw the Odell Beckham catch. And while Chris creamed himself and had to throw out his hot pink shorts, this is not unprecedented. In fact, Jason Avant did it last year: http://www.nfl.com/videos/nfl-cant-miss-plays/0ap2000000107778/Week-14-Can-t-Miss-Play-Avant-unbelievable-one-handed-catch.

I know what you're thinking... "Why wouldn't he just clean his shorts?


The most awesome thing Sunday was the TY Hilton interview.







And look at this BO$$:












Beef of the Week: Pros vs. College

You hear the argument all the time. No college team can beat a pro team. In the NFL that's definitely true. Even the best college team doesn't have 53 guys that can make an NFL roster. Not even close. But shit went down in the NBA.

Former Kentucky player Eric Bledsoe insisted that Kentucky could beat the 76ers this year. Nerl Nolans took exception to this and smacked Bledsoe in the face, prompting a brawl. But it's a legit question. The Sixers arguably have fewer than 10 NBA talents on their roster. Kentucky certainly has that. It's time to finally put an end to this discussion.

Kentucky is off between December 27th and January 6th. The Sixers at that time have a west coast road trip playing in Golden State on 12/30 and Phoenix on 1/2. New Year's Eve, Vegas. Sixers vs. Kentucky. You can't tell me that wouldn't be a huge ticket. Any sports fan would be curious. The ratings would be through the roof. Sixers tickets are going for less than $10 all the time. Think about how much those tickets would go for. What would the point spread be? Sixers couldn't be favored by more than 5 or 6, right? This needs to happen. I think more people would watch that than watch the NCAA championship and NBA finals.

I really don't know which will happen first this season: Kentucky losing a game or the Sixers winning one. It's a toss up. The Sixers are widely considered the worst team in NBA History and are 0-14. Many have come out saying this Kentucky team is the best in college basketball history. They've won their first 5 games by an average of 35 points. There could not be a better time for this to happen.


**** LEAGUE NEWS AND NOTES ****

 - As indicated last week, after Week 13, if you are eliminated from the playoffs, you are prohibited from making postseason moves. Please do not screw up the waiver process.


* 1. DA BEARDS (9-3) : Lost, but it doesn't matter. Locked up the first round bye last week. Back to average. We'll see what happens in weeks 15 and 16.

* 2. Pork Chop Express (8-4) : Officially clinched a playoff spot with the win. Nice work. Team looks like its peaking at the right time. Nobody is laughing about that Josh Gordon pick now. You have no bench, but at this point it probably doesn't matter. I think you're one of the favorites to win it. You've also locked up the #2 seed, given you've defeated all of the 6-5 teams.

3. Stanky Monkeys (7-5) : Same boat as last week. All 3 6-5 teams won, so you still own the tiebreaker. Unfortunately, if Cutter beats Chris in Week 13, he's guaranteed to pass you. If you win, you'll be the 3 or 4 seed. Should still be OK with a loss, but there's a small chance you could miss out if absolutely everything goes wrong. Don't lose to Nick. Knock him out and take your spot.

4. Bo$$town Cutter (7-5) : Despite being in 4th, you're oh so close to clinching a playoff spot. You've defeated every team you could end up tied with if you lose except Woody, so you would have the tiebreaker in any other scenario. Had I defeated him, you'd be in. Huge win in Week 12. If you win, you're the 3 seed. If not, you'll be somewhere else TBD. If Woody loses in Week 13, you're in regardless, but win and in.

5. Tweeting in the Trenches (7-5) : If the playoffs started today, you'd play Cutter. You play him in Week 13 too. Despite this, it's pretty unlikely that you guys will meet in the 1st round. Win and in. Lose and we'll see. Massive win v EEB. Interestingly, you're in pretty good shape. You lost to teams 1-3 (and #4 if you lose next week). You've also lost to teams 13 and 14, which is helpful. When you add that up, even if you lose, if the Stanky Monkeys win, you are guaranteed to own the tiebreaker.

6. A Lot O'Tatz (6-5-1) : My how the tables have turned. You're still in OK shape. Win and in. But if you do not win, hold on. A loss, Gambino win and Tatz win would be enough to knock you out. You're likely to end up ahead of Tatz on points, so that's a point in your favor. If he loses, you're probably OK. Week 13 is rivalry week. And I'm sure there's nothing your rival would like more than to knock you out. Also looking like a real strong bet for top score, which is worth $150.

7. Team Bartholomew (6-5-1) : I can't believe the misfortune of this team. Panic button has been hit, and barely holding on to the final playoff spot. Just like EEB, win and in. Lose, and you need Lou to defeat Nick and Woody not to win to get in. Playing a beaten down TPG squad has to be what you were looking for. It's going to be close.

8. Geno 911 (6-6) : Must win at this point to get in. 6-7 will eliminate you. But if you win, you still need help. You'll own the tiebreaker over Lou should you beat him, but unless Cutter and Fusco tie, one of them will also be 7-6. You've lost to both of them and don't have enough points, so that's no good. But if Lou gets passed in points by the loser, you could jump him. Best case would be EEB and Tatz both losing. We'll see.

9. The King's Crusaders (6-6) : Got the win Monday night over the Pylons to stay alive. Still in OK shape. You have a couple tiebreakers and a ton of points. Obviously must win to stay alive and needs help. But you're in it. It helps you if Fusco wins. Other than that, just keep pouring on the points. If you finish 2nd it's worth $50. Can't hurt.

x - Dueling Pylons (5-7) : After moving to 5-4, the Pylons have just gone in the tank the past 3 weeks. Terrible draft was too big a hole to dig out of.

x - Big Brother's Bitch (5-7) : Made a valiant run Monday night, but it was not meant to be. I'm surprised as I expected more.

x - The Smokin' Jays (5-7) : Too little too late. One of the better teams in the 2nd half.

x - Tequila Party Gnomes (4-8) : Injuries too much to overcome. You've avoided the costume, however. See you in 2015.

x - Team Toliver (2-10) : Officially clinched last place. The league champion will determine your gear at the 2015 draft.


Rivalry Week

 There are still 5 spots available for 7 teams. Pretty remarkable. And 10 teams are somewhere between 5-7 and 7-5. Here's who's playing who.

#1 DA BEARDS (9-3) v. #14 Team Toliver (2-10)
#2 Pork Chop Express (8-4) v. #10 Dueling Pylons (5-7)
#3 Stanky Monkeys (7-5) v. #8 Geno 911 (6-6)
#4 Bo$$town Cutter (7-5) v. #5 Tweeting in the Trenches (7-5)
#6 A Lot O'Tatz (6-5-1) v. #11 Big Brother's Bitch (5-7)
#7 Team Bartholomew (6-5-1) v. #13 Tequila Party Gnomes (4-8)
#9 The King's Crusaders (6-6) v. #12 The Smokin' Jays (5-7)

Good luck to everyone in Week 13. And Happy Thanksgiving.
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Monday, November 17, 2014

Week 11 Disaster



I think we can all just agree that life is better when the Browns are losing. Just as a note of how bad the Browns can be, the Texans ran the ball 54 times on Sunday. 54! And Arian Foster wasn't even playing! Remember when I said blogging sucks after a loss... well this fucking sucks. I have less than 0 desire to blog this week. Heading into the Monday night game a total of 3 teams had cracked 100 points. The only consolation that my team sucked is that many others did as well, just not as bad.

Minor comment, but NBC producers missed a tremendous opportunity Sunday night during the Pats-Colts game to drown out Al Michaels and Collinsworth by blasting Weezer's flannel anthem "My Name is Jonas" every single time Jonas Gray touched the ball. He was not on an EFFL roster and had the most points of any player in Week 11 and finished just 1 yard shy of 200. Damn impressive.

From good players to terrible players... Here's a string of numbers: 11, 1, 30, 6, 8, -2, 10, 6. I know what you're thinking... Cro, that's a Fibonacci sequence! It's actually not. I'm sorry. That's a string of Maurice Jones-Drew's rushing yards by game in 2014. He's run for a total of 70 yards on the season. That's sad, man. Should've hung em up before it got this bad.

Week 11 sucked. You know how many teams out of 26 scored more than 20 points: 9. That's terrible. For as terrible a day as it was for fantasy football everywhere, and the Eagles, there was plenty of excitement. I'd be foolish if I wasted any more time not mentioning Emmanuel Sanders taking one of the biggest hits I've ever seen. I don't know if there's a proper adjective to describe it, but here are a few: pulverized, eviscerated, obliterated, and as Arnold Schwarzenegger would describe it: Erased.

Embedding a YouTube video would not do it justice. Here's the link in HD:


This showed up on Wikipedia after the hit:



Dude was 100% erased. To make matters worse, after he's down, the referee just throws his hat on him! Used his hat as a white flag. He's perished. There's nothing more we can do for him. Erased. I've seen it about a dozen times already, and I still can't watch it without yelling OHHHH! out loud. Unreal hit.

This isn't NFL, but this is some classy shit right here! Minnesota assistant coach eats ice cream bar during blizzard hahahaha. Oh man, people are great when you don't have to be around them.



I usually like to be original, but this comment from Barstool was just too damn funny. Here's the video:


Here's the caption: BEAST MODE. That chick on the ground had to be thinking to herself…“I didn’t sign up for this shit. Thought it was gonna be a fun little game and then we’d drink some cosmos after and gossip about boys. Didn’t expect to get my pussy rocked playing free safety.”

Additional comments: "Can she play quarterback? Asking as a Jets fan". "Def does anal." That's some funny shit right there.

More non-NFL related funny. This week out of New York, where "Man smacks the soul out of a girl on the NY subway" The 8-ball never lies. My favorite part is the Steve Madden discussion. Nothing wrong with them, but the bragging like it's high class is hilarious. That's like me, Cro, bragging that I wear Express tees, not because they look good, but because of the quality. You see this tee?!?!? 2 for $30, son! Get off me! Can't touch my shit!



Back to the NFL. I'm still appalled at what happened on Sunday, and I need these things to try and forget. Unfortunately, I must return to complete the blog at some point.

But first, if you missed this, I feel bad for you:




Beef of the Week: NFL RedZone Stats

This is a really a 2-part beef. First of all, why do they insist on sorting fantasy players by some stupid scoring system that nobody uses? 0 PPR with Fractional points. Nobody plays in a league like that, do they? It's very frustrating. When the NFL figures out a way to let you customize the scoring on your set with your fantasy players like DirecTV has, it will be a huge step in the right direction.

The second part of the beef is not with the ticker, but with the stats. Hanson comes in, THIS JUST HAPPENED AT THE MEADOWLANDS. Obviously it's an Eli pick. But then, underneath the score that pops up it shows "Eli Manning 4 INTs". Which is probably right, but then Hanson comes on and INSISTS that he only has 3 picks. Somebody cannot be right. And the numbers seemingly should be coming from the same source. Why can't they just get it sorted out and feed the same info? This should be simple. Instead, it's infuriating.

If you want to see GIFs of all 5 Eli picks, here you go: http://www.brobible.com/sports/article/five-interceptions-eli-maninng-threw-today/


**** LEAGUE NEWS AND NOTES ****

- Keep in mind that anyone who is added to your roster from this point forward is not eligible to be kept in 2015.

- Please be aware that after the regular season ends, teams that are eliminated from the playoffs cannot make transactions. PLEASE DO NOT SCREW UP THE WAIVER PROCESS.

- And lastly, again, players cannot be added to your roster after 1 PM Sunday. League rule 3E, per the EFFL Rulebook, which has been distributed and can be viewed from the top of the blog. I'm sorry Team Toliver. If we want to revisit this rule in 2015, we can vote on it. That's fine. But as it stands, that is the rule. I feel like an ass for having to enforce rules. I'm sorry.


Playoff Standings

*1. DA BEARDS (9-2) - By virtue of the ridiculous Marshawn Monday night effort, you own the tiebreaker over Pork Chop. As a result, you have officially clinched the #1 seed and a first round bye. D-Weeze is currently on cruise control. Now Mike Evans is emerging. Rodgers is playing on another level. He's got 5 straight games with 26+ points. He's got 28 TDs versus 3 INTs. Laughing at Nick Foles' 2013 season. He's already had 7 games with 3+ TDs and 0 picks. I'm a little concerned that your guys will hit the rookie wall, but overall I definitely think your team has stepped it up.

2. Pork Chop Express (7-4) - Despite the loss, on the verge of the playoffs. Can certainly still get in at 7-6, but one win will officially lock it up. Won't get into tiebreak procedures yet, but still looking fine. Andrew Luck v. Jaguars next Sunday is pretty scary. I can't believe you started Cordarrelle, though lol. You deserved to lose, just as I did, for starting Vikings against a Bears defense that allowed over 50 points 2 weeks in a row. Trends mean nothing. You have a huge wild card in Josh Gordon, however. I think you're looking good heading into Week 12.

3. A Lot O'Tatz (6-4-1) - While I said 8 wins is the magic number, 7.5 will do just fine. Just need one more win to punch your playoff ticket, but your team looked awful human in Week 12. To make matters worse, Julius got hurt. I think there are not going to many more weeks where your entire team just does not show up. Good to get these weeks out of the way now. Get Fusco and Mike Y in the final two weeks. I don't know if 6-6-1 will be good enough, so go get that win.

4. Team Bartholomew (6-4-1) - As you indicated to me, your team finally showed up. That's good. The bad news is that Mike Evans bent you over. I think the tide is starting to turn for you, which is a good sign heading into the playoffs. Like EEB, just one win will do it. And since Dosh already has the bye, at this point you're just jockeying for seeding. But AJ is back. Cobb is on fire with Rodgers. And DeMarco is rested up for the stretch run. I still like your team a lot. Don't panic.

5. Stanky Monkeys (6-5) - Got a big win over A Lot O'Tatz. With a number of teams hot on your heels, it was important to get that one in the bag. Could potentially lock up a playoff spot in Week 12 depending on other results. But you control your own destiny. 8 is currently the number, so two wins and you're definitely in. Despite losing to Cutter, he hasn't beaten Fusco, so points scored is the tiebreaker, which you own. My concerns remain, however. Jordy and Forte continue to carry your squad, but there must be contributions from other areas.

6. Bo$$town Cutter (6-5) - Arguably one of the biggest victories in Week 11. Finally your Lacy/Alshon vision came to fruition. But the Sanders injury is concerning. Had you lost in Week 11, the injury might hurt a little more. 2 big matchups with Tatz and Fusco in the final two weeks. You may end up knocking somebody out of the playoffs. Or it could be you. I think Tatz could pose problems, but you have a better team than Chris. If Peterson comes back, you've gotta be considered a favorite.

7. Tweeting in the Trenches (6-5) - Just need to be less terrible than your opponent. That happened in Week 11. With both Julius and Sanders banged up, it could be the Demaryius show for the next couple of weeks. That's exactly what you need, because there's very little production elsewhere. Surely OBJ thinks he's killing it despite the Giants losing. Real team player. EEB and Cutty in the final two weeks is pretty tough, so it was real important to get that win in Week 11. As with the other 6-5 teams, 2 wins and in. 1 and we'll see.

8. The King's Crusaders (5-6) - Since nobody at 5-6 owns head-to-head tiebreakers, we go to points. Clearly with the most points among the 5-6 teams. With the Pylons and Jays in the final two weeks, this team must feel that they have what it takes to make it to the playoffs. The Week 12 matchup in particular is absolutely massive. The loser of King-Pylons will go to 5-7. 6 wins probably won't be enough to get in. Nothing really new to say about your team. Up there in points. Still very dangerous I think. The Steelers bye, however, couldn't come at a worse time.

9. Dueling Pylons (5-6) - The Pylons own the head-to-head tiebreaker over Gambino and Mike Y, so as a result, this team occupies the 9th spot. But the Pylons are fading quickly. 2 critical losses in back-to-back weeks were bad enough. Gronk is the only guy holding this team together. The Pylons can't stop making bad lineup decisions. Last two against King and Pork Chop is pretty scary. Likely needs both of those to get in. More bad news is that the Pylons have not beaten a single team in playoff position, so could be up against it in tiebreakers. All 5 wins are against teams ranked 10-14.

10. Geno 911 (5-6) - Owns tiebreaker over Jay Gruden, so occupies the 10th spot. As usual, I continue to think you have a terrible team and will not make the playoffs. But you got the win you needed. Has TPG and Stanky Monkeys in the final two, so 7-6 is doable. But as is the case with the Pylons, not in a great position from a tiebreak perspective. It's amazing a team can start Jonathan Stewart and Jerricho Cotchery and still win. Amazing.

11. Big Brother's Bitch (5-6) - Also got caught up in Vikings hysteria, but took it on the chin even worse. Started Kyle Rudolph and Greggy Jennings who combined for a total of 1 point. Add to that Pierre Garcon's 1 point, and you had no shot. CJ Anderson does look nice though, which is encouraging. Rough final two weeks, so it's not looking all that great. Also have not beat anyone you'd be likely to end up in a tie with. Most likely needs 2 wins to get in, and the team isn't playing well.

12. The Smokin' Jays (4-7) - Got the win you needed to survive. As I indicated with other teams, I don't think 6-7 will ultimately be enough, but you're still mathematically alive. But something more important happened with your victory over TPG. You officially removed yourself from costume contention. You own tiebreakers over both TPG and Team Toliver. As a result, you mathematically cannot finish behind Toliver. So you've avoided the costume. More to come.

13. Tequila Party Gnomes (4-7) - Man, I didn't see this coming. This team has been absolutely ravaged by RB injuries. Spiller, Gio and Foster looked like an unbelievable trio. Not a single one played in Week 11. But the loss to the Jays carries some significance. At this point, only two teams are costume-eligible. TPG and Toliver. Since he owns the tiebreaker over you, there's only one remaining scenario. If you lose two and he wins two, you're in the costume. Any other result sees Yashar as Brigma. Also still alive for the playoffs, but not looking good.

x - 14. Team Toliver (2-9) - With the 9th loss of the season comes the end of the road. Team Toliver will not be in the EFFL Playoffs this season. Never recovered from ravaging injuries and didn't discover any gems on the waiver wire. That is not a recipe for success. As indicated above, you need two wins and two TPG losses to avoid the costume. That's all that can save you at this point.


Week 12 Matchups

I fully expect a few more teams to lock up a playoff spot and few more to be eliminated in Week 12. Only 1.5 games separate 3rd from 11th. Here's what's on the slate.

#1 DA BEARDS (9-2) v. #12 The Smokin' Jays (4-7)
#2 Pork Chop Express (7-4) v. #14 Team Toliver (2-9)
#3 A Lot O'Tatz (6-4-1) v. #7 Tweeting in the Trenches (6-5)
#4 Team Bartholomew (6-4-1) v. #6 Bo$$town Cutter (6-5)
#5 Stanky Monkeys (6-5) v. #11 Big Brother's Bitch (5-6)
#8 The King's Crusaders (5-6) v. #9 Dueling Pylons (5-6)
#10 Geno 911 (5-6) v. #13 Tequila Party Gnomes (4-7)

Good luck to everyone in Week 12. It's getting awful close to the end.
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Tuesday, November 11, 2014

We Go 0 to 100.. Real Quick


Pictured: TPG after finding out he's lost to bottom-feeder Team Toliver.

And obviously, this needs to be posted here:




For as unpredictable as the NFL is, Sunday's games went remarkably as planned. That's pretty much the truth except for the Steelers-Jets game. I don't think you can look at a single other game and think to yourself "I didn't see that coming." That includes the Bears getting absolutely pounded yet again, which makes me laugh. If there's anything I've expressed over the years, it's my distaste for Jay Cutler. Guy is so full of himself with no justifiable reason. He hasn't won shit. I hope he continues to lose.

Mike Tirico makes jokes like "go figure this league." So, out of 10 games there was 1 upset. What a league!

Yet as much beef as I constantly have, there are things that I think set the NFL apart. One of those things is the post-Monday night game discussion on the field between Steve Young, Trent Dilfer, murderer Ray Lewis and some token host. It's real. It reminds you of a conversation you'd have with your boys about football. It's not biased. It's not based on fantasy football. I'd love to see a bunch of former players on the field talking about the game after every game.

Why is the Joker playing Grab-Ass with Jimmy Graham? I can't for the life of me figure it out:


I also need to take some time to acknowledge the absolutely ridiculous season DeMarco Murray is having. It's only week 10 and he has a 400 yard lead on the guy in 2nd place for rushing yards, Arian Foster. He's having truly one of the great rushing seasons in NFL history, and even if you hate the Cowboys, you have to appreciate what he's doing. There are exactly 5 other running backs with half of the yards he has. He also has run the ball 77 more times than the guy in 2nd, but still.

In the process of acknowledging achievements, I also want to make a note of something you've probably already forgotten by now. Andy Dalton had arguably one of the worst QB games in NFL history on Thursday. Never before in the history of the league has a QB had 33+ pass attempts, a completion percentage less than 31% and yards passing less than 90. It's never happened... until Andy Dalton did it. Unbelievably bad. It ruins football.

Here's an Andy Reid lookalike:


In high school, some fat kid, whose name escapes me, did the exact same thing when Andy was head coach of the Eagles. It was the best costume I've ever seen. 10 years later, it's no less funny. People need to do this all the time.

Side beef: Why do the college football playoff rankings come out on a Tuesday when teams play on Saturday? Is it that difficult to list an undefeated Florida State and Mississippi State team as the top two? Come ahn.

Beef of the Week: Coaches who do not coach

You may be thinking "how can this be a beef?" During the Eagles game, Sanchize threw a pass that brought two receivers inadvertently together. When he came over to the sideline, Chip grabbed him, explained what he saw, explained what Sanchez should have seen, and he hopefully learned something. That's coaching. When Eli throws a pick, you get the garbage you see at the top of the screen. That's a Hall of Fame coach doing absolutely no coaching and just throwing a temper tantrum. I wouldn't be surprised if these things are the reasons coaches get fired. You shouldn't be free from coaching because you developed a game plan during the week. Chip continued to coach Sanchize even in the 4th quarter. Guys love that. He'll be successful in the NFL forever because of it.


*** LEAGUE NEWS AND NOTES ***

 - As indicated last week, please be aware that anyone added after this week is not eligible to be kept.

- Also, please be aware that if you do not make the playoffs, you are not permitted to add players after Week 13. Subsequently, when you are eliminated from the playoffs, you are not allowed to make any moves.


Playoff Bracket

 It's remarkable. Right now, 8 teams are either 5-5 or 4-6. Not a single head-to-head tiebreak comes into play. Remarkable yet again.

 x - 1. DA BEARDS (8-2): Officially clinched a playoff spot. The 5-5 teams play each other too much. 8 wins is the current magic number to qualify for the playoffs. I talked too much shit. Rodgers and Marshawn unloaded for a combined 10 TDs. 10! You can't change your team name after every game. The fact is that this was only the 2nd time all season that you've broken 120. You were 2nd to last in points scored entering the week. While a playoff spot is all but clinched, I think you still have a ways to go before you're considered a top contender. 1 more win or a combination of other team losses locks up a playoff spot.

2. Pork Chop Express (7-3): Speaking of things you didn't see coming, Dosh and Ben as 1-2 after 10 weeks is certainly at the top of the list. My tone has not changed. It's Luck and Dez, with Ingram now emerging. There's no contribution from other players, but that may be enough. Those 3 could legitimately lead this team to a championship. I still think the potential for inconsistency is there, but Dez is absolutely unstoppable. Facing the King in Week 11 in a must win for him is probably going to be tough, but should still be in no danger of missing the playoffs. Win and in.

3. A Lot O'Tatz (6-3-1): The league's hottest team continues to roll. I pegged EEB as the team to beat this week and he told me to shut my mouth. But it's true. Consistently putting up tons of points with no end in sight. It may be a stretch at this point to get a bye. The only downside is it just presents an extra opportunity to get upset... possibly by a clown team like the Pylons. A win against Stanky Monkeys would almost certainly lock up a playoff spot.

4. Team Bartholomew (6-3-1): Did not see this drop coming. This team has a big problem. And that problem is at the QB position. Cam Newton absolutely stinks. As of right now, in the past 3.5 games, Newton has 2 TDs and 6 picks. AJ Green will get it together, and you still have the best player in the league, but I'm starting to wonder if it might be time to bench Newton for Hoyer. I still think you're fine for the playoffs, but I no longer think you're in contention for the bye. A lot of eggs in the Carolina basket, but, like EEB, really should need just one more win to officially get in.

5. Stanky Monkeys (5-5): Lost, yet still moved up in the playoff rankings. As a result of a 5 way tie, head-to-head is not applicable. Highest points among those 5, so winds up in 5th place. EEB, Mike Y and Gambino in the final 3. Winning 2 of 3 will probably get you in. Plus knocking out Nick is a lot of fun. I still like your team and expect you to get in. I also would love to see you knock off each of the 3 aforementioned teams.

6. Big Brother's Bitch (5-5): Despite having lost to both the Pylons and TITTY, the fact that nobody remaining still owns a tiebreaker over all others brings you all the way up into 6th. Of course, you play Cutty in Week 11 in what could almost be an elimination game. If you lose, you're in rough shape, as one of Pylons-TITTY must get at least a tie. You don't own head-to-head tiebreakers against any teams around you, so I think you'll have to win your way in. I could be wrong.

 7. Bo$$town Cutter (5-5): If Tirico wants to blow his load on an unpredictable league, let's direct him to the EFFL. I thought for sure you'd have it out for Sam Woody. But it wasn't meant to be. The Ronnie Hillman well ran dry, and as such, so did your team. The real wild card could be Peterson, however. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit bitter, but so be it. I don't know how you say to a guy "sure you beat your child's nut sack with a tree branch, leaving a 4 year old bloodied and bruised for weeks... But you can come back to work in 8 weeks". Get out of here.

 8. Dueling Pylons (5-5): As indicated above, thought DA BEARDS would be a pushover. When two players drop 10 TDs on you, you have absolutely no shot. Pylons have a massive, massive game in Week 11 against TITTY in a rematch of last year's championship game. It's been a long time coming, and this is a must win for both teams. With the King and PCE in the final two weeks, the Pylons need to make moves quickly. What a huge matchup this week.

9. Tweeting in the Trenches (5-5): Believe it or not, if this were week 13, Sproles Monday night performance would be the determining factor between Pylons and TITTY. Got a huge win against Tatz and now right back in the thick of the playoff hunt. The two-time defending champ needed to stay alive, and did just that. Pylons, EEB, Cutty in the final 3 weeks. Win all 3 and you're in. Win 2 and it still may be good enough. You have no idea how bad I want to win this game after the past 2 years.

10. The King's Crusaders (4-6): Nobody owns a tiebreaker among the 4-6 teams, so it goes to points scored. Only a game out of 5th place, so there's nothing to really be upset about. Final 3 of PCE, Pylons and Jays probably inspires no fear. This team has never missed the playoffs in the history of the EFFL, and if it happens this year, it arguably will be undeserved. This is one of the best rosters in the league, but can't get its defense to perform.

11. Geno 911 (4-6): I don't think you're really surprised you're in this position, but the tiebreaker over TPG is important right now. Your team is doo-doo. Even with arguably the waiver wire pickup of the year in Forsett, it doesn't matter. The matchup with Yashar in Week 11 is probably your season. You're low in points and don't have tiebreakers against many teams. If you can't beat him, you probably have too tough a road to climb. It's an outside shot, but if you do lose next week, Yashar will have the tiebreaker over you. That means that he just needs to make up 1 game in the final 2 to have you in the costume.

12. Tequila Party Gnomes (4-6): Lost against league bottom-feeder Team Toliver, but like Stanky, still moved up. Owns head-to-head tiebreaker over King. I'm sure he's showing you no sympathy as he's had to deal with his share of injuries all year. After healing a 2010 wound of "81 IN BLUE. TOP OF YOUR SCREEN", Tron was bound to come back and lead his team to victory. The good news is that the teams right at the cut line all had a miserable Week 10, so things are still up in the air. You get all 3 of your RBs back, which should pay major dividends.

13. The Smokin' Jays (3-7): All of the sudden, this team is hot! Larry Fitz is back from the dead. It's still an uphill battle, but it's only two games to the last playoff team. I still look at this roster and think "no way", but you never know. Arizona defense looks real nice. And a critical game against a TPG team also fighting for a playoff spot. I think you need to get to 6-7 to have a shot to get in, but I think you've sealed Yashar's fate in the costume.

14. Team Toliver (2-8): Not officially out of it yet! Got the must win against TPG to stay alive. It's crazy how much the Tron injury hurt you. And the Woodhead injury. Anquan has quietly had a great season, which is encouraging as he's keeper eligible. But the team is playing well, which is a good sign. Even if it doesn't work out this season, having Boldin and Hopkins as keepers is pretty solid. I'd love to see you knock off Gambino in Week 11. Must win to stay alive again.


 Week 11 Matchups

 There are so many great matchups in week 11. It's amazing the schedule maker saw this coming. Bunch of games right at the cut line. Through 10 weeks, only 1 team has had their fate decided. That's pretty remarkable.

 #1 DA BEARDS (8-2) v. #4 Team Bartholomew (6-3-1)
#2 Pork Chop Express (7-3) v. #10 The King's Crusaders (4-6)
#3 A Lot O'Tatz (6-3-1) v. #5 Stanky Monkeys (5-5)
#6 Big Brother's Bitch (5-5) v. #7 Bo$$town Cutter (5-5)
#8 Dueling Pylons (5-5) v. #9 Tweeting in the Trenches (5-5)
#11 Geno 911 (4-6) v. #14 Team Toliver (2-8)
#12 Tequila Party Gnomes (4-6) v. #13 The Smokin' Jays (3-7)

Good luck to everyone in Week 11. It's going to be intense.
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Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Get At Me Dog


You'll have to forgive me for the delay in the blog. No fewer than 3 games came down to the final seconds of the Monday night game. All of them had a huge impact on the standings given all of the tiebreaker scenarios. Poor TPG had his boy drop the game winning pass and he lost by 1. Again. EEB came all the way back to tie it and couldn't break through. Lobitz squeaked out a 1 point victory AGAIN on Monday night.

Sunday was the worst day of football I've seen in a long time. Just absolute garbage. Kinda like country music, aka "stupid music for stupid people." How do I know it was bad? Let's take a look at a few games:

Dolphins-Chargers: 0 combined points in 4th quarter
Chiefs-Jets: 0 combined points in 4th quarter
Rams-49ers: 3 combined points in 4th quarter
Browns-Bucs: 6 combined points in 4th quarter
Broncos-Patriots: 6 combined points in 4th quarter

With 6 teams on a bye, a Thursday night game, a Sunday night game, and a Monday night game, that means there were only 10 games at 1 or 4 on Sunday. Of those 10, 5 had 6 points or fewer in the 4th quarter. As I said... garbage.

There weren't even any good GIFs from this week's slate. The only good thing I've seen is the Gus Malzahn "U Can't Touch This" dance seen here:


In case you were wondering, yes. There exists a video of 5 year old Cro dancing to the same Hammer classic with fake background. It's on VHS. And perhaps that will make an appearance should the Pylons win the 2014 EFFL title.

Here's the ridiculous Gronk catch:


Obviously the play of the day here #loljets



And of course this gem:


I'm so glad someone else saw this and GIF'd it:



There's far more to discuss related to the EFFL, but first:

Beef of the Week: Statistical Analysis

WHOA! HOLD UP! Yes, I may do statistical analysis on a daily basis for money, but TV networks and the internet seem to do nothing more than confuse you nowadays. Everyone has a conflicting opinion. Yes, there are different ways to interpret the data. But I'm sick of these stupid fucking team rankings that make no sense.

"Kansas City is #5 in the NFL against the run". WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!?!? Are they 5th in total yards allowed? 5th in yards per carry? 5th in yards per game? 5th in rushing TDs allowed? There's no context whatsoever. I'm trying to decide on a running back and every site puts out different information to prove their point. Oh, don't start this guy because he's playing against the #5 run defense. That's horseshit! There's no such thing! You absolutely must have context, and more often than not it just does not happen. Get a true analyst on there (not Nate Silver) and give yourself some damn value.




*** LEAGUE NEWS AND NOTES ***

 - The trade deadline is Thursday at noon. November 6th. That's it. Unless an overwhelming majority of you want me to push it back to next week. But no more than that.

- After Sunday, November 16th at 1 PM (week 11), any player added to a roster cannot be kept in 2015. 

 - Please make sure you are versed in league tiebreakers, which are sure to come into play. Quick rundown: If one team owns head-to-head over all other tied teams, rank that team first. If tie not broken, use points scored. If exactly two teams are tied on points, use head-to-head between those two (if 3 tied on points, rocks-paper-scissors tournament). If still tied, coin flip. Revert to tiebreaker #1.


And finally, the long awaited EFFL Playoff Preview. Remember, only the top seed gets a bye. 7 teams make the playoffs.

1. DA BEARDS (7-2): In sole possession of first place despite being 2nd to last in points scored. Yes, that's right. I said it. Dosh has scored even fewer points than Sam. This team has taken over the title from Nick as luckiest in the league. Still looking great for the playoffs but must get it together quickly. But last two games are against teams 13 and 14, so at this point certainly leaning towards in rather than out.

2. Team Bartholomew (6-2-1): While a tie was not ideal, it certainly makes things easier on the commish when running the scenario generator. Heading into Monday, I honestly didn't expect you to pick up anything, so a tie is something at least. You have to be concerned with the Panthers performance and leaving Vereen on the bench proved costly. Still room for improvement, but 1.5 games up in the playoff race is far better than 1. Only fitting that Tatz would tie A Lot O'Tatz.

 3. Pork Chop Express (6-3): If Andrew Luck isn't the NFL MVP, he's certainly the fantasy MVP. Luck hasn't had fewer than 20 points in a game, and has scored 27+ in 6 games already. It's a huge advantage. If Mark Ingram keeps it up, this team may not need secondary contributions. Went all in on Luck and it's paying off. Right now the only 6-3 team in the league, which is exciting. The more wins over the borderline playoff teams the better.

4. A Lot O'Tatz (5-3-1): Same boat as Tatz. Could've ended up empty handed, but a tie is always better than a loss. I had 2 last year, and they helped me get into the playoffs. I still think you don't have much to worry about. Remaining schedule doesn't appear too intimidating, and I think 2-2 should probably be enough. I think 7-5-1 gets in. Nice to see your team finally cool off and hear your Julius Thomas rants.

5. Bo$$town Cutter (5-4): I have to be honest here. I'm surprised you're 5-4. Not because you don't deserve it, just because after an 0-3 start I thought you'd be buried at the bottom. As Brady goes, so does your team. I'm sure you have no problem with that. Between him and your two Broncos, it's been an impressive 6 week stretch. I'm sorry for thinking you'd lose. A slip up next week against the Smokin' Jays would be unfortunate. Beat both other 5-4 teams so the current #5 seed.

6. Stanky Monkeys (5-4): Really nothing could be done. King is the hottest team in the league right now and it shows. A 38 point underdog, even that line wasn't enough. But it was to be expected. No Jordy, Forte, Matt Ryan, Fred Jackson. Things will get better much quickly, and you're still in a pretty good spot. It's going to be so sweet when you eliminate Nick in Week 13. Took out the Pylons so owns the head-to-head tiebreaker.

 7. Dueling Pylons (5-4): Picked up a huge win against a competing playoff team in Mike Y despite a less than stellar performance. Finishes off against 4 teams that are also in the thick of the playoff race. If not for some terrible managing in Week 7, this team could be much hotter, but 3 of 4 is a step in the right direction. Right around the middle of the pack in the standings. Right around the middle of the pack statistically. This team needs to show some more consistency to get in.

8. The King's Crusaders (4-5): Probably thinking to yourself that it's about time, and it's hard to disagree. 340 points over the last two weeks is absolutely excessive, AND YOU CUT BIG BEN! He's scored 90 points in the last two weeks, which would have given you an even more ridiculous line. Right in the hunt for the playoffs and certainly now in play for the highest regular season points prize. Trending up in a major way. 5 way tie for 8th goes to highest points. Winner here.

9. Big Brother's Bitch (4-5): Came up short in a very important matchup and now must make up ground. I have no idea what is wrong with Pierre Garcon this year, but he's been a disaster. Through 9 games, only 62 targets is a pace of around 115. Last year he had 182. He even averaged more his last 2 years in Indy. Woody, Cutty, Lou and EEB to finish off the season. Most likely will either play their way in or out. Next week's game with Woody is gigantic. 2nd in points, so #9 it is.

10. Geno 911 (4-5): Are you feeling the heat yet? Talked all kinds of shit all week. "Why is it an upset if I beat Cutter?" "I can't believe that Alex Smith trade actually worked." Why would Cutter start Pats defense?" He still beat you! You're obviously not far out of a playoff spot at this point, but only 2 teams have a worse record in the standings at this point. These races are far too close. Barely ahead of Matt in points right now, so would be #10.

11. Tequila Party Gnomes (4-5): For the 2nd consecutive week, lost by 1 point on Monday night. I hate to even bring up Rivers, but it's unfathomable that the #4 QB can put up -2 points. He needed exactly 0 for TPG to win. Absolutely one of the more excruciating defeats I've seen to date. Losing to Dosh has to hurt twice as much. Plenty of time left, but missed opportunities sting. At least you're ahead of Chris.

12. Tweeting in the Trenches (4-5): Interesting that if TPG had won, you'd be all the way ahead of King, Big Brother and Geno, due to head-to-head, but not in a 5 way. Got over 40 points from the kicker and the defense and still didn't do much. What a finish down the stretch: Tatz, Pylons, EEB, Cutty. All teams that are playing very well. I think it's going to be tough for TITTY to get back into the playoffs with the remaining schedule and the uncertainty surrounding the team. We'll see.

13. The Smokin' Jays (2-7): Unloaded on poor Yashar with a performance you surely were hoping for all season. Of course it doesn't hurt when your QB puts up 40 points. It may still be too late to reach the playoffs, but you never know. Final 4 are all against teams in contention and may need to win all 4 to have a shot at getting in. I still think your team would be near the bottom of the power rankings and it's a long shot, but not dead yet.

 14. Team Toliver (1-8): Put up their best performance since week 1 and it still wasn't enough. B.Berger was merciless. The loss all but sealed Team Toliver's playoff fate. I'm not under the impression at all that 5 wins will be enough to get into the playoffs. But at this point it's just a fight to stay out of the costume at the 2015 draft. To make matters worse, Sam now owns the tiebreaker, so will need to win at least 2 games in the last 4 to avoid it. Has Matt, Gambino, Lobitz and D-WEEZE to finish the year, so it's not over yet.


Week 10 Matchups

 I say it every week that there are critically important matchups, but it's true. Here's what we have in Week 10.

#1 DA BEARDS (7-2) v. #7 Dueling Pylons (5-4)
#2 Team Bartholomew (6-2-1) v. #12 Tweeting in the Trenches (4-5)
#3 Pork Chop Express (6-3) v. #6 Stanky Monkeys (5-4)
#4 A Lot O'Tatz (5-3-1) v. #10 Geno 911 (4-5)
#5 Bo$$town Cutter (5-4) v. #13 The Smokin' Jays (2-7)
#8 The King's Crusaders (4-5) v. #9 Big Brother's Bitch (4-5)
#11 Tequila Party Gnomes (4-5) v. #14. Team Toliver (1-8)


The commish went 3-3-1 with Week 9 picks. As a result, I'm giving up. I will say though, that I expect at least 3 "lower seeds" to defeat higher seeds. The 4-5 teams could really use a win.
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Tuesday, October 28, 2014

#selfie

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Tuesday, October 21, 2014

All About My Billz



Two Weezy references this week in the NFL. Sammy Watkins is a weekly Weezy reference. http://i.ytimg.com/vi/2bjawRpa45s/0.jpg. And on a completion to Dwayne Allen, the announcer identified him as "Dwayne Wayne".

I didn't even know where to start the blog this week. This is one of those weeks where reality sets in. It's time to admit your faults, cut your losses, and move on. This is true in both fantasy football and real football. Here are some typical examples.

- Rex Ryan is an idiot. Fire his ass and move on. He sucks so bad and always acts like everyone's against him.

- Derek Carr is not a franchise QB. Cut him and move on.

- Charlie Whitehurst has no business playing football. Cut him and move on.

- Michael Crabtree is a sorry ass receiver. Woody, please keep using him.

- I will no longer be using Reggie Bush.

- Kyle Orton has shaved all facial hair. Cut him and move on.


Most of all, the Browns came crashing back down to reality, getting absolutely embarrassed by the winless Jaguars. Browns fans appear to be the best in football at providing entertainment for the rest of us. I usually don't link to stories, but this one is just so funny and appropriate: http://deadspin.com/heres-an-unconscious-browns-fan-in-the-jacksonville-par-1648239796



Top comments:

- He's got a Frye jersey on and his team just lost to the Jaguars. This is the correct response to that situation.

- That is Charlie Frye.

This is a Browns fan. Now, for Jaguars fans:



This is actually happening in Jacksonville. Great idea or greatest idea ever? The 2015 EFFL Draft will be taking place at the pool in Everbank Field in Jacksonville. See you there.


******* LEAGUE NOTE **********

 League members: Be aware that due to the NFL's ridiculous scheduling, the Lions and Falcons will play at 9:30 AM EASTERN SUNDAY . The 1 PM Add/Drop rule holds, but in case you need to make any lineup decisions with players on those teams, they must be made by 9:30. I guarantee many are not aware of this start time.

Who wasn't a fan of Chris Berman's nicknames back in the day before he went to the well one too many times? Natrone Means Business, Jon Kitna Kaboodle, and Eric "Sleeping With" Bienemy were some of his all time classics. If he was still doing this gag, I would hope he would take advantage of the low hanging fruit out there for arguably one of his greatest puns... namely Patriots receiver Brian "Don't Scuff My" Tyms.

And what the fuck is wrong with Joseph Randle? Guy needs to steal some undies and cologne? There's no chance that security camera is going to see you sneaking a tester bottle into your bag. And the funniest part of the whole Randle shoplifting thing is what the officers found in his bag. Ironically, the cologne he stole was Gucci Guilty. Had his plea written right on the bottle. I'm still waiting for a shoplifting crime funnier than crab legs. This was pretty good.

Mini-Beef: Al Michaels... The guy continues to pronounce players' names incorrectly. He can't (refuses to) say the word Manning correctly. He can't say Crabtree either. Look, I get it. You're from New Yawk. BUT YOU'RE INTENTIONALLY PRONOUNCING NAMES WRONG! How does his employer let him get away with it? You know how I know he's saying Manning wrong? Because the guy named Manning doesn't say it that way, Al. You're entitled to add an R to the end of every word. You're even entitled to say things like Bronco Defense and Bear Offense, even though that's clearly inaccurate. But why are you pronouncing players' names wrong? WHY?

I also do not care if I had the exact same beef last November.  He refuses to listen and it just validates the criticism.

I'm also not even going to go in on Sean Payton again because the guy just doesn't get it. 9 targets to Travaris Cadet on 20 snaps is perpetuating domestic violence.


Beef of the Week: The West Virginia Mountaineers

I'm taking my beef outside of the professional game this week. I think many of you know where this is going.

The date was December 1, 2007. TPG and the Pylons had traveled to wonderful, wild, West Virginia to see some shit. Temperatures were well below freezing. The moonshine was flowing and fried bologna was the dish of choice. The #2 Mountaineers at 10-1 were 28.5 point home favorites hosting the unranked Pitt Panthers. A win would send the Mountaineers to the national championship game. Blackouts would be encountered. Couches would be burned. People would be impregnated. It was supposed to be the party of the century.

But the football gods were not with us that day. As 5 EFFL members witnessed collectively in horror, LeSean McCoy rushed 38 times as Pitt defeated West Virginia 13-9, in one of the worst football games in history. The crowd of over 60,000 left the stadium in stunned silence (except for a sly snicker from TPG). The game was voted by ESPN as one of the 15 biggest collapses in college football history and sent shockwaves across the country.

7 years later, the Mountaineers took out #4 Baylor this past Saturday. It was their first win over a Top 5 team since the bowl game following that 2007 loss. Fans celebrated wildly. Tear gas was brought out. Couches were burned. THAT WAS MY FUCKING CELEBRATION!!! Now you can win?!?!? In a meaningless game? That was 7 years of frustration absolutely unleashed on the streets of Morgantown. I'm pissed. You can never go back.

Let's get to the fucking power rankings. Fuck.


14. The Smokin' Jays (0-7) (Last week: 14): I'm going to keep bringing this up until you win a game. 13 straight losses and counting, breaking the EFFL record held by Stanky Monkeys. It's now been a full calendar year since the last victory. That's Lions territory. Get a red hot Tatz in Week 8, so staring 0-8 in the face. The showdown with Yashar might be your only chance. DO NOT TRADE JAMAAL CHARLES TO YOUR BROTHER.

13. Team Toliver (1-6) (Last week: 13): Curiously started an inactive Calvin Johnson. Thought things might be different after a ridiculous game from Nick Fizzolk. Unfortunately the Niners look like doo doo, and as an extension, so does your team. Hope is fading quickly. At least you get Sam in week 9, but losing to Cutter was a huge blow. With the Niners on a bye in Week 8 and Pierre and Tron banged up, it might be tough to even field a team.

12. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-4) (Last week: 12): Should feel lucky to be at 3-4. Demaryius is on one of the more wild heaters we've seen in awhile. 107 fantasy points in the last 3 games is absolutely absurd. You actually made some nice pickups in Davante Adams and OBJ, so that will serve you well. Shows the importance of being active on the wire since Zac Stacy doesn't even play anymore. You've got a shot.

11. Dueling Pylons (3-4) (Last week: 10): Yet another frustrating week for the Pylons. The fucking owner can't get out of his own way. Terrible lineup decisions, as the bench dropped 112 points. With the optimal lineup, the Pylons could have maxed out at 141 points with the right lineup combo and gotten the win. Had arguably the worst start to the draft of any team, but rebounded nicely during the blackout phase of the draft. Will keep in mind for 2015.

10. Pork Chop Express (4-3) (Last week: 9): I still don't see it. Luck and Dez did their usual thing, and the rest of the roster did as well. Scrubs Keenan Allen and Bishop Sankey combined for 16 points. You might want to heed the advice at the top of the blog. This team should be getting some players back from injury at some point (probably when you play me), but right now I think this team needs to be cautious.

9. Geno 911 (4-3) (Last week: 6): Clearly was way too high in the rankings last week. This team of old guys put up a pathetic performance in Week 7, and there could be more where that came from. The real concern is that none of your starters other than broken Jimmy Graham have had their bye week yet. Weeks 10 and 11 are going to be pretty rough, so you might want to pick up the wins now. Thankfully the Pylons come to town in Week 8.

8. Bo$$town Cutter (3-4) (Last week: 11): Nice jump this week for the Billz. The real reason is not because of what happened, but what should happen. The Percy Harvin trade was huge for Doug Baldwin, and it looks like he could have a huge 2nd half. Ronnie Hillman is also looking pretty solid. Everybody has a Broncos combo. Getting Baldwin in for Frank Gore makes this team look more solid than it has in awhile.

7. DA BEARDS (6-1) (Last week: 6): The luck continues for D-Weeze. Nobody on your team really did anything, but still emerged victorious yet again. Having a lot of rookies can be a good thing, but one thing is certain: they're inconsistent. There will be some nice weeks, but on a week-to-week basis, you don't know what to expect. Thankfully for you, Rodgers is on fire right now, but Lynch is not getting it done. I think the King could come in and surprise next week.

6. Tequila Party Gnomes (4-3) (Last week: 7): Your team is better than Dosh's. Used 2 Bengals and they got shut out. That's unfortunate. Also lost CJ Spiller for the season to a broken collarbone. You'll no longer be tempted to start him, so it's a blessing in disguise. Sammy Watkins looks legit, tho. I remain concerned about your depth and lack of action on the waiver wire. But you have good starters. Good enough to contend, I think.

5. The King's Crusaders (2-5) (Last week: 4): Really tough loss for the King, and I think it's time to start recognizing that this team may not be who we thought they were. McCoy and Maclin were on a bye, yes, but that's no excuse. It wouldn't have mattered anyway. Every year there's one team that continues to take it on the chin on defense. That was already the 4th time you've allowed over 135 points. I'm sorry. It makes fantasy football not fun.

4. Stanky Monkeys (4-3) (Last week: 3): Really disappointing week from the Monkeys despite another monster Forte performance. As is the case with Pork Chop, your first two picks worked out great, but the other pieces need to step up. The Fred Jackson injury definitely hurts, but I think better days lie ahead. Pretty much your entire team had their worst game of the season. Things will get better.

3. Big Brother's Bitch (4-3) (Last week: 5): Still hovering in the top 5, this team finally put together a nice week. Reggie Wayne's performances have to be a little concerning at this point, but Lamar Miller is playing very well. As is the case with a number of other teams the depth is concerning, and I haven't seen much impact from anybody added via waivers. Julio will play better, and this team will do better. At 4-3, definitely one of the better teams in the league.

2. A Lot O'Tatz (5-2) (Last week: 2): Clearly a premier team in the 2014 EFFL, and certainly in play for the 1st round bye as well as top points. I've said it since after the draft, and have been saying it for 7 weeks. Absolutely no running back. It's holding you back. Definitely right there with Tatz for best team in the league. Golden Tate has been phenomenal as has T.Y. Hilton. Still dropped 120+ on the Pylons with Julius only scoring 6 points. Can't wait for your matchup with Tatz in Week 9.

1. Team Bartholomew (6-1) (Last week: 1): Another day, another dollar. Jeremy Hill and Cecil Shorts did absolutely nothing. Still puts up 120. AJ Green refuses to see his team go in the shitter, so he'll be back soon. It sucks you can't trust Kendall Wright. 26 points, 1 point, 18 points. That's a trainwreck. Another team that hasn't had any byes yet, but the rest of the schedule looks cushy. You've already played #3, 4, and 5 in the power rankings.


Week 8 Matchups

 #1 Team Bartholomew (6-1) v. #14 The Smokin' Jays (0-7)
#2 A Lot O'Tatz (5-2) v. #8 Bo$$town Cutter (3-4)
#3 Big Brother's Bitch (4-3) v. #12 Tweeting in the Trenches (3-4)
#4 Stanky Monkeys (4-3) v. #13 Team Toliver (1-6)
#5 The King's Crusaders (2-5) v. #7 DA BEARDS (6-1)
#6 Tequila Party Gnomes (4-3) v. #10 Pork Chop Express (4-3)
#9 Geno 911 (4-3) v. #11 Dueling Pylons (3-4)

The Smokin' Jays and Team Toliver need to get some wins. With the playoff cutoff right now at 4 wins, time is running out to bridge the gap. Even winning out might not be enough at this point. And for fun, I'll add some predictions.

Winners:

I like Team Bartholomew to move to 7-1 while sending the Smokin Jays to 0-8 and the brink of playoff elimination.

I like Bo$$town Cutter to upset A Lot O'Tatz with a surprising Week 8 blowup.

Big Brother's Bitch should handle TITTY well and continue to rise.

Anything less than a victory for the Stanky Monkeys will be a massive shock with San Fran on a bye.

As indicated above, I think the King gets back into contention with a victory over DA BEARDS. Dosh also should change his team name given he's shaved. One of his boys referred to him as "Papi Champagne".

TPG and Pork Chop is my game of the week. Each team with a lot to prove still, but I think TPG takes it.

And the Pylons WILL rebound against Geno 911. One of the most heated rivalries in the EFFL, the Pylons are 10-1-1 against Geno in the last 12 meetings dating back to 2007.


Good luck in Week 8. Looking forward to another exciting week.
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