Into the Final Week of the 2023 Season

 

He did. He had to. What a game. Big Balls Jake w the 59 yard torpedo in the rain. What a way to wrap up Week 12.

We've reached the final week of the season, and as promised, I've blogged every week. Where has the season gone? My head has certainly not been in it with the embarrassment that has been the Pylons. This is the worst team I've had. It was not fun.

Let's take a look at where things stand with the playoffs and what each team is looking at.

The 9-3 teams
#1 Pork Chop Express
#2 Team Bartholomew

Pork Chop Express and Team Bartholomew are the only teams that can lock up a bye. Because PCE has won head-to-head, only a Bartholomew win and PCE loss will get him the bye. These will be your top two seeds.

The 7-5 teams
#3 Tree Party
#4 TITTY
#5 Coach Janky Spanky

ESPN is indicating that Tree Party and Janky Spanky have locked up a spot but TITTY hasn't yet. They need to check their math, because that is not correct.

Cutter should be in. There's a scenario where Mike Y outscores Fusco by 200 points and gets in, but that's not realistic. Cutty has beat both TITTY and Janky Spanky, so any win this week locks up the 3 seed.

TITTY is in a similar spot. Should be in unless Lou drops 250 or BG outscores him by 150. Not expecting this team to be out.

Janky Spanky also not 100% in, but about as close as you can get. Needs to avoid Mike Y dropping 300 points this week.

The 6-6 teams
#6 Street Pigeons
#7 Team BG
#8 The Young and the Sweatless
#9 Stanky Monkeys

Pige should be in with a win. Similar to EEB, needs to avoid Mike Y dropping 250+. Can still get in at 6-7 with a loss, a Mike Y loss, and a Stanky Monkeys win or Monkeys/Peppers loss.

BG has a more straightforward path. Win and in as long as Mike Y doesn't drop 300+ points. Lose and out. There is no scenario where a loss can still get BG in.

Young and the Sweatless holding a lot of cards here. But very very far behind in points. Needs to win and needs one of Pige or BG to lose to get in. Out with a loss unless he scores 300 points.

Stanky Monkeys are not in a bad spot. A win and a loss from either Pige or Mike Y get him in. Would need to score 300 points in a losing effort to get in.

The 5-7 teams
#10 Philly Peppers
#11 Dueling Pylons
#12 The King's Crusaders

ESPN is indicating all 3 teams are eliminated, but that is also not true. Peppers is very much alive due to his point total. Needs to win, a BG win, a Pige loss, a Mike Y loss, and that's probably enough. It's been a tough year, but it's not over yet. This is the only scenario which gets him in, but it's certainly doable.

The Pylons are screwed, however. Needs to win, have Peppers lose, BG win, Pige loss, Mike Y loss. Additionally, needs to overcome a 240 point deficit in points to Pige. It's not happening.

King is in a little bit better spot just due to the point total. Needs the same outcome as the Pylons but only needs to make up 140 points on Pige. Still not going to happen, but at least a better chance.

The final 2 teams, Geno 911 and Cash Me Out Wide are, in fact, eliminated.

Good luck to everyone in the final week!

Week 2/3 - 2023

 

It's been quite some time since I've blogged. I've been severely slacking for years, and nothing I can say or do can make up for that. However, Dosh is 0-2 and has only scored 132 points through 2 weeks. And that's funny.

We only have 3 2-0 teams. All 3 were not at the draft. I'm going to have to request this behavior cease, as one of the most important parts of the draft is that everyone is drinking heavily and making bad decisions. You must have at least 6 Surfside in you at all times.

It's been competitive so far. A few teams have looked really good, but it's still very hard to get a read on this season. We've already lost Rodgers, Dobbins, and Chubb for the season. I would not be surprised to see even more injuries. It feels like everyone is already banged up. Could this be attributable to the lack of players playing in preseason? Maybe. But, it's just bad luck.

The most exciting thing, for my money, has been Geno Smiths. 

"I'm talking to America here, excuse me." 😂@GenoSmith3 pic.twitter.com/6DSa4tFvrx

— NFL (@NFL) September 17, 2023

Beef of the Week: QB Play

It's never been worse. These QBs stink. It's about finding out which is less stinky than the rest. Nobody can throw. Nobody can read a defense. People are out here sucking off Brock Purdy like he's the next coming of Montana.

Justin Fields is the worst of the bunch. I have been vocal to most of you about my dislike for the Bears "quarterback". He simply cannot throw. He cannot win. There's nothing redeeming about this loser. He's going to lead the Bears to back-to-back #1 picks. I'm just sad that it took people so long to see it. You had two years of evidence, and now after two more terrible games people are like "I think this guy might be bad". No shit. DJ Moore went from Sam Darnold/Baker Mayfield to this guy and he actually downgraded.

Where are the good QBs? Two of the top 3 2023 picks are injured. The other is already on load management. And they don't want to pay the RBs. SMH.

Power Rankings

I currently have zero clue who anyone has. So deal with these rankings as I see them.

14. Cash Me Out Wide (0-2) - It's week 3 and this guy is starting Chase Claypool and Nick Westbrook-Ikhine.

13. Geno 911 (0-2) - This team is shocking after Josh Allen. What kind of list were you drafting from?

12. Chase Young Sweat (0-2) - For the love, change your team name. Fields, Drake London, Josh Jacobs. Yikes.

11. Team BG (1-1) - JT and Kupp hurt is not good. Hang in there.

10. Dueling Pylons (1-1) - An OK team that will need everyone to play at their best to be competitive.

9. The King's Crusaders (1-1) - An aging team at a lot of positions that I could see hurting. Russell Wilson at QB? See: Beef of the Week

8. Stanky Monkeys (2-0) - Off to a great start, but losing Chubb is a terrible blow. We'll see how this team evolves but having some of those backups + Mahomes will help.

7. Team Bartholomew (2-0) - Similar to Stanky Monkeys, doing well. I'm concerned about the depth here. Some good pieces. Could move up.

6. Street Pigeons (1-1) - Looks good on paper but hasn't really delivered yet. Already crying wolf about Joey Burrow before the matchup w DUPY this week. Not becoming.

5. Tree Party (1-1) - Some guys have overperformed so far, but the Aiyuk/Tyreek 1-2 looks really good. I'm less optimistic here, but I think you'll fight for a playoff spot.

4. Pork Chop Express (1-1) - Feels like there's a top 4 that could be in any order. Placing you here for now because you bitched about Brock Purdy all night and I had no idea you were starting him... and he got you a lot of points.

3. Coach Janky Spanky (1-1) - I think you've got a pretty solid team. If you can rely on Addison and Mostert, it makes your team very well rounded. I like what you've got going.

2. Tweeting in the Trenches (2-0) - If your waiver wire adds are good, this could be a very good team. Good to have TITTY back.

1. Philly Peppers (1-1) - This is what happens when the league comes together and drafts a strong team. The older WRs may not be sexy, but as long as they're healthy, they'll produce.

Week 3 Matchups

Pige v DUPY
King v BG
Bartholomew v Cash Me Out Wide
Tree Party v Stanky Monkeys
Janky Spanky v PCE
Geno 911 v Father West Virginia
TITTY v P.Peppers

Will try to blog more consistently. No promises. Good luck to everyone week 3!

EFFL Draft 2022

 

I had hoped the day would not come, but there was Ben Lobitz holding the trophy after his first ever EFFL championship. Yet another new team has won the title, while the Dueling Pylons still have no rings. You can't say the guy didn't deserve it last year. He clearly had the best team all season.

Coming out of the draft this year, things do feel a bit more even. Yes, we had some good keepers, but it wasn't as egregious as last year. EEB and Phil, of course, are probably in the best position, but I think it's going to be a competitive year.

But before we get into the draft itself, there were a number of festivities. We had our first league golf outing where after booking tee times, we had two people immediately back out. Meech came out swinging and broke 100, which was impressive. He barely had any hiccups, except for one hole shanking 3 drives in a row, followed by a Happy Gilmore explosion:

I think we'll be back on the course. We may even decide to do the draft at a course in the future. We'll also be sure to allow enough time. We should have had plenty, but unfortunately Hard Rock decided that 3 PM check-in time was only a suggestion and not a rule.

When we finally were able to check in, Mike Y firmly declared "I'm going to change into my finest slacks!" We knew we were on the right path.

A crew of 9 descended on the Tennessee Avenue Beer Hall. Fusco was out, having contracted COVID for the 7th time. BG also was not cleared after being questionable. Dosh drafted from a strip club, fulfilling one of his lifelong dreams. And Cutter, despite having a baby over a week earlier, really had no excuse not to attend.

The draft started and immediately took an unexpected turn with Phil trying to screw over DUPY and getting stuck with D'Andre Swift in the first round. Classic. Speaking of keepers, Gambino surely thought he could get out of the 2nd round without Lamar being selected, but there was Lobitz, with Mahomes on the board, selecting Lamar right before the 2/3 turn. Instead of getting Lamar at pick 56, Nick was forced to keep him at #29. That one move could have altered Geno 911's season, and a new rivalry was born. This was after Ben complained as usual about Jaylen Waddle getting selected. Irony.

It was Round 4 this year. And it was more immediate than most years. Typically Lou will wait a few picks, maybe a round before regretting a previous pick. He picked Dallas Goedert and IMMEDIATELY regretted it. "Why did I take Goedert?!?!? Was that a bad pick??" I will say - I don't think this was your worst move. Not keeping Elijah Moore and then taking Allen Lazard instead was a shocking move. I'm sure he'll break his leg since I'm thrilled I snagged him.

Phil and Gambino chummed it up over watches "AYYY LOOKADIS" as Phil tried to lick his wounds. He did make it through the night, which was commendable. Nick also “didn’t remember” puking all over the Crow’s Nest in one of the most legendary EFFL performances ever. Scroll through the blog. It’s in the annals. A tamer Gambino did not mean a better draft. Take note.

The draft took almost 4 hours this year, almost entirely due to Chris Fusco refusing to pick on time. Was he at a restaurant? We don't know, but you better get your ass to the draft next year.

Eventually the liquor came out, and as the we reached our limit, Mike Y resumed his annual role as bouncer. "LAST CALL FELLAS!!! LAST CALL", effectively cutting off the entire party in one fell swoop. Also kept his 6 year streak alive of creeping out the server. Well done, sir.

And a special shoutout to EEB. He manned the draft board like a G. Eventually, he grew tired of this work and took his frustrations out on a good buddy. He had a very tough time selecting BG's keeper DeVonta Smith. He had a much easier time selecting BG"s favorite Buckeye Garrett Wilson right in his grill. He walked outside, called BG, and asked him to signoff on ruining his own draft. What a guy.

From there, we hit the tables. Many, many beers later, I took a phenomenal beating. But we had a great time taking over an entire table. Based on the attitude of the dealers and the check-in process, I'll not be looking to return to the Hard Rock any time soon. I will say - had Dosh been present, I venture to guess the night would have gone differently. It was a great time, as always. Thank you all for coming out, and I can't wait to do it again next year.

On to the Power Rankings! I'm going to use ESPN's power rankings.. I did not do this. Free agency is also now open.

14. Geno 911 - Drafting at the ends is tough. You start with the best player and need to not mess up from there. Adam Thielen in round 2 was an immediate mistake. Clyde Edwards-Helaire at the next turn another. Brandon Aiyuk was good value. Ronald Jones was not. I think you showed up with a 2021 draft list. I'm concerned about this team, of course.

13. Street Pigeons - This feels very harsh. I like the team. Got good value in most rounds. Went double Titans WRs, which was humorous. The big question mark is at QB. If Trey Lance is good, you're going to definitely be good. If he's not, could be in trouble. I like what this team did at the draft.

12. Stanky Monkeys - I know Lou cannot be happy seeing this. It wasn't Goedert. It was more Lazard, Jeudy, and Allen Robinson. Those are your top 3 WR. Tyler Boyd was the only other WR drafted. I'm concerned that this could go very bad for you. You might have enough to overcome it, and if those guys do stay healthy, I think you'll be in the mix.

11. The King's Crusaders - I'll go ahead and say it. The King has not been at his usual dominant level over the last few years. Najee and heavy WR could end up really paying off if Kirk Cousins has another good season. Kirk is an EFFL winner. I think this ranking is a bit harsh, but I think Gabe Davis was a reach. McLaurin also plays with the worst QB in the league.

10. Cash Me Out Wide - Not bad for a strip club draft. Zeke and Josh Jacobs at the 3/4 turn was brutal, in my opinion. And Chase Claypool stinks. I think Cole Kmet at that spot was a great pick. We'll see. I see some potential here, but I could also see things going off the rails. Lot of risky players.

9. Dueling Pylons - Another crock. Kittle in the 4th round could be huge. The risk here with this team is injury. AJ Brown, Chubb, Kittle, Elijah Mitchell, and Rashaad Penny have all had health concerns. If this team is healthy, there's no way it's not a playoff team. But the health is the big question.

8. Tree Party CuttyBill$ - Trying to go back to back in this league drafting with a newborn. I think you did a pretty good job. The urge to draft old guys always creeps in, but you held off well here. Pitts could be a monster. Him, Deebo, and Dalvin is gonna be a very, very tough trio. DK could be a steal too. I like it.

7. Team BG- Conner felt like a reach to me, but he's a workhorse on a top offense. I think your starters are pretty solid. Depth always seems to be a question with this team, so if the injury bug bites again, you could be in trouble. But in terms of starter quality, I think you've done well here.

6. Tweeting in the Trenches - You should at least be this high considering you took twice as long as anyone else to select these players. Getting Kyler in the 7th round - I don't understand how that happens, but can't be upset about that. Your team is going to be annoying, but good.

5. Team Bartholomew - The league did well for you. Kept Russ late. Loaded up on Cowboys. Definitely going to be in the mix all season.

4. Philly Peppers - I don't see it. I think this team has serious bust potential. 3 RBs in the first 5 rounds and I don't think any of them are a sure thing. Obviously got to keep Chase, but Russell Gage is WR3. I'm not optimistic about this team, but maybe that's why I've never won.

3. The Old Ball Sack - Absolutely blew his top over Chase Edmonds. I do like your RBs. Mixon, Dobbins, Etienne, and Pierce is solid. Rodgers and Kelce is going to be incredibly annoying. I think this team is overrated. It feels like a team that could be good but is ultimately destined to fall short. We'll see.

2. Coach Janky Spanky - When you get to keep Cooper Kupp and Josh Allen in rounds 2 and 3, you're going to be highly ranked. From there, it got interesting. Took a suspended DeAndre Hopkins in the 5th round. Singletary felt early. Ripped off BG with Garrett Wilson. I'm frankly concerned.

1. Pork Chop Express - Of course the champ gets ranked #1. I think this team started off great. CMC, Mahomes, Andrews, Waddle, St. Brown is a great top 5. Probably the best in the league. Could easily have the #1 QB, RB, and TE. After that, I think it went off the rails a bit. Kadarius in the 6th was a major reach. Rhamondre could be nice. Then went with 6 rookies. I definitely think this team will be good. Is it the favorite? I don't know.

Well, that was a doozy! Appreciate everyone joining the Google Doc and attending in person. As I mentioned, the schedule will be released in the near future. Looking forward to getting the season going and getting absolutely hammered on Sundays!

The Double Bird

 

This blog has just turned into me profusely apologizing for not blogging. I’ll do it again. I am sorry. I’ve heard from several people, and frankly the comments are not appreciated. Everyone that’s 3-0 wants to immediately know where the blog is so I can prop them up. “Are you not blogging until you win a game”? My team sucks. Let me heal!

I also want to make everyone aware of the mediums of communication we’ll be using this year. I’ll post on the blog and will email and GroupMe everyone the links. You won’t see tons of GIFs and funny things in the blog this year. My apologies. It takes a tremendous amount of time to track all that stuff down and embed it. If you see someone go through a flaming table, post it in the GroupMe. Let’s make that more active. It’s much easier.

It’s been an interesting start to the NFL season. I don’t think we’ve really seen many guys have a breakout start that was unexpected. Maybe Mike Williams? Look at the leading rushers and receivers so far. Are there any names that really surprise you? Are there any teams that really surprise you? The whole preseason change I feel has really changed the dynamic. Teams aren’t taking shots on young guys like they used to. Most players I remember seeing doing well in preseason just aren’t on rosters. I’m still waiting for something unexpected to happen.

The one positive change has been the Manning Monday night broadcast. These guys are remarkably more likable when not playing football. Eli is funny. Peyton is smarter than the coaches. I want Peyton to be the next Eagles coach today. I was a bit hesitant to give it a try given the long history of hatred, but it was highly enjoyable. The Steve Levy broadcast is unwatchable. I don’t know if ESPN has released ratings on each broadcast, but it won’t be long before the Manning broadcast has far more viewers. Anyone that is still on the other broadcast… you’re missing out.

Beef of the Week: A “passing league”

You’ve heard the term. You’ve heard the commentary. The NFL is a passing league! And it is. That’s certainly true. But things have gotten out of control. I’m going to give you a simple analogy for what the problem is. It’s straightforward.

The NBA has become so much about the 3. It’s math! When you have guys that shoot 40% from 3 (1.2 expected points per shot), they’d need to shoot 60% from 2 to make it equitable. And guys don’t shoot that well. So, the 3 has become king. You must be able to shoot well from 3 in today’s game. But you don’t shoot a 3 every single trip down the floor. Why? Because if you do, you won’t shoot 40%. The defense will know what’s coming and adjust accordingly so you’re not better off. You need to mix it up so it’s effective.

That’s what has happened with football. Why would I run the ball for 4 yards when I average 7 yards per pass attempt? Teams know this. Completion percentages have gone up because teams want those 7 yards. Passer ratings have gone up because it’s a function of completion percentage (more math!). But just like the 3, you’re not going to see that level of performance if you do it every single time. Any defensive line that’s halfway decent can get some pressure rushing 4, and then it’s just a numbers game. You have 7 guys sitting back trying to cover at most 5 receivers.

I know the analytics nerds love to roast coaches that say we win when we run the ball. There’s a cause and effect there, sure. But the reality is very, very rarely do you see any team come out, throw the ball every single down in the first half, and win a game. It just doesn’t happen. Anyway, 4 paragraphs to say fuck Nick Sirianni.

 

Power Rankings

As I said about the power rankings after the first week… don’t trust them. If you draft from their list, they rank you high. If you don’t, they rank you low. The one thing they were right about was that the Pylons stink. Championship game last year. 0-3 this year. Things have not gone well.

 

14. Dueling Pylons (0-3) – Last week: 13

Will this team win a game? We may never know. The roster is seemingly OK, but the results are not. No real go-to superstar, and AJ Brown has been a bust so far. Maybe the reality of this ranking will wake the team up.

13. Tequila Party Gnomes (0-3) – Last week: 14

Down in the dumps with the Pylons. TPG had a huge week 1 in a losing effort, but the last two weeks have been rough. Bobby Trees has been disappointing while EEB does Peloton with Cooper Kupp for 30 points every week. Sad!

12. Geno 911 (2-1) – Last week: 12

I can’t believe I lost to this team. As usual, Gambino has the team that would’ve been a contender 2-3 years ago. There actually are good players on this roster and a 2-1 start is not horrible.

11. The King’s Crusaders (1-2) – Last week: 6

There’s a real possibility this team deserves to be ranked lower. CMC now hurt. Allen Robinson’s QB stinks. All he has is Dak/Cooper as a Giants fan. Can’t be enjoyable.

10. Stanky Monkeys (0-3) – Last week: 3

I don’t know what the rankings saw to put this team at 3. They’ve struggled all year. Waiting until round 45 to draft QB/TE may not have been the best approach. Needs a shot in the arm to get things going.

9. Tree Party CuttyBill$ (2-1) – Last week: 9

This team is not bad, honestly. Burrow has been OK and the rest of the roster has been scoring points. I think the arrow is pointing up here. With a 2-1 start, I would not be surprised to see this team moving up the rankings.

8. Pork Chop Express (3-0) – Last week: 4

GASP! A 3-0 team at #8? That’s correct. When you’re starting James Conner and Jaylen Waddle, this is what happens. This team also has zero depth. I’m not expecting an undefeated run much longer, but the 3 WR horses should carry you to the playoffs at least.

7. Tweeting in the Trenches (0-3) – Last week: 1

Has scored more points than 0-3 PCE. You just can’t play defense in fantasy. Tannehill at QB is holding this team back from being a serious contender, but the roster is strong. I’d expect wins soon.

6. The Old Ball Sack (2-1) – Last week: 5

Look, I get it. This is somehow currently the highest scoring team in the league. I’m not buying it. Brandin Cooks, Logan Thomas, Chase Edmonds, and Jalen Hurts throwing 50 times. I can’t see the continued success. Certainly, has done well, getting off to a hot start. But I think this is more mirage than reality.

5. Street Pigeons (3-0) – Last week: 7

Much, much better team this year. A 3-0 start is huge and now welcomes 0-3 Dueling Pylons. Can really drive a wedge between those teams. I’m a little worried with the injuries thus far. If this team stays healthy, I’m expecting it to be very competitive.

4. Coach Janky Spanky (2-1) – Last week: 2

It feels a bit weird to put a team that just set a league record with 219 points (HOLY SHIT) this low. But I’m sticking with this for now. All in on Rams/Steelers. It seems like an OK strategy. I’m still stunned at what you did to Woody. I knew you were rivals, but you ain’t have to go that hard on him.

3. Philly Peppers (2-1) – Last week: 10

WR was the biggest question mark heading into the season, and so far, Chase and Williams have answered the call. Derek Carr also has been way better than expected, and the Carr-Waller hookup is nice. Another team I question the longevity but for now, looking good.

2. Cash Me Out Wide (2-1) – Last week: 11

Maybe I’m just reeling from the beating I took. Brady has been on fire. Not getting the big contributions from the other pieces yet, but that’s alright. Just imagine if you would’ve drafted usable players instead of Rodgers and Ryan. You’d clearly be #1.

1. Team BG (2-1) – Last week: 8

So close to a 3-0 start. DeVonta Smith just couldn’t get it done Monday night. And imagine if Hollywood hadn’t dropped 3 TDs. Just needed one of them to get a victory. This team went heavy on speed WRs this year, and I think it was the right year to do that. I think this team may not fade from a hot start like every other year.

See you all in the GroupMe.

2021 Draft Officially in the Books

 

Despite challenging conditions, the 2021 EFFL Draft must be deemed a success. With EEB pulling out for the first time ever and Fusco going on the COVID-IL, things appeared in jeopardy. But the league banded together, as always, to ensure the draft was indeed a memorable one.

The day started off with drafter Ben Lobitz becoming a father of 3 and ultimately persevering to draft from an unknown location. We've had some near misses in the past, but this was the first and second draft day births. Congratulations!

The lottery unfolded at Burgerology Manhattan. Mike Y was immediately demanding sangritas with multiple shots of tequila. The server was highly confused. Mike Y was not served any tequila. Cutty and Phil went hard for espresso martinis. And before you even ask, the answer is yes. I was startled and awoken at 6:25 AM with heaving sounds coming from the bathroom. No chants of "WHY ME?" but you could hear with each heave the utter disappointment.

Dosh just beats to his own drum. He didn't order just one drink, but two. An Ommegang Witte and a Burgerology Lager. These beers would ultimately be dumped into the same glass and consumed in a mixture. In addition, his "summer fit" is apparently all he's worn this summer. Shockingly, he was in the exact same clothes and hat at the draft as his lottery image. A friendly reminder that social media will be used against you in a future lottery.

On a personal commish note, I've fully given up on the manila envelope lottery. Those things are far too unwieldy. The Amazon envelope cards for $3 worked perfectly. True to his name, Philly Peppers drew the habanero yet again. Luckily for him, we did not actually have any habaneros in person. Tatz and I found a bodega and the biggest jalapenos I've ever seen in my entire life. I joined Phil and Gambino, who was in pepper debt, with the ceremonial peppering to get things going since it was absent last year. Those things were incredibly hot. We'll be back to habs next year.

I also did not expect to be on mules, but they were delicious and going down real nice. Post-draft devolved into what you'd typically expect from this group.

Beef of the Week: John Harbaugh

Could there be anyone else? It may seem early to have beef, but it's never too early. These coaches NEVER learn. Don't play your starters in the preseason. Just don't. Has anyone in their life heard a coach during the regular season say any of the following:

• I credit our success to our guys getting more work in the preseason
• We've been poor because our players didn't play enough in the preseason

Not once have you ever heard that. And you will never hear that because it doesn't make any sense. Coaches don't even use the real playbook in the preseason. But no, you put your starters out there in a violent game where guys always get hurt. JK Dobbins had his knee destroyed for absolutely no reason. There was nothing to be gained and everything to lose by having starters play in the preseason.

I don't want to hear the 'It's a violent game! It could happen in practice in non-contact!' argument. We know this. That doesn't mean it's a smart decision to put an important player in a dangerous situation. And of course it happened again to TPG. First Andrew Luck, now Dobbins. Didn't even make it an hour after drafting Dobbins before he was done for the season. Sad!

League Notes

There are a few items I wanted to mention so everyone is aware.

First, there are 18 roster spots. I did not realize this and I cannot reduce this number. Because we drafted 16 rounds, each team currently has 2 open spots that can be filled. Yay!

The first run of waivers will process Tuesday. It is the inverse of the draft order. Remember that after a waiver claim you will go to the bottom. I look forward to Mike Y at 3:30 AM every week trying to not burn his waiver spot.

Last, I have changed the schedule. Week 1 is a "champions" week. Teams that met in the EFFL final in the past will face off. If you have not reached a final, you are automatically awarded a loss. Week 14 is also a 2nd meeting between teams. Heated rivals will face off in the final week of the regular season.

Power Rankings

For the initial power rankings, I will defer to FantasyPros rankings. These rankings don't mean anything. They have a list that people use to draft and then rank people based on the same rankings. This is a circular reference. Following the start of the season, I'll rank based on my clearly superior opinion.

14. Tequila Party Gnomes - As you'll see, you let the wrong person draft for you. Immediately losing a 3rd round pick is not good, but I think this team will be fine.

13. Dueling Pylons - Only 4 receivers on the roster and 2 are rookies. Not good. Just like TPG, the Pylons will be fine. Moves will be made.

12. Geno 911 - A familiar location for Gambino. Clearly flustered with jalapeno heat, Nick exchanged his draft list for a 2019 draft list. Then spited the Pylons, despite the generous offer to also eat a pepper, by taking Lamar Jackson. This is going to be weird.

11. Cash Me Out Wide - Classic Dosh. Taking back to back QBs at the 4/5 turn was a stroke of genius. Basically gave himself the JK Dobbins treatment. He'll be trying to hawk those QBs to the rest of the league all year.

10. Philly Peppers - 3 of the 5 worst ranked are pepper eaters. Also flustered in the first round and immediately questioned his TE/TE strategy. Waited way too long on QB and WR. I think this team could be in some trouble.

9. Tree Party CuttyBill$ - Huge fan of the new team name and the decision to wear a Tree Party jersey to the draft. Most violent team of all time. If this team can stay out of jail, it actually could be decent. But not Joe Mixon. He stinks.

8. Team BG - Reached on DeVonta Smith a bit, but overall pretty solid. Picking up Gus Edwards could be big. I could not see the death stare when Tatz stole Justin Fields, but I have to assume a hole would've been burned in him had you been in the same room.

7. Street Pigeons - I said it during the draft.. I thought you did very well. Gaskin was also probably a bit of a reach, but that's OK. Great value on the keepers as well. I don't expect this team to be in the cellar all year like in 2020.

6. The King's Crusaders - Loves the Cowboys. I didn't know this. I know exactly how this is going to go down. Woody is gonna score a ton of points and you're going to wonder how. Also did well in the late rounds. Will be a contender.

5. The Old Ball Sack - Asked how many players Fusco had kept at least 5 times. This team is solid across the board but doesn't stand out in any areas. This is a ranking I do not agree with. I think this team should be further down.

4. Pork Chop Express - Had a massive head start with keepers. Loves backup RBs. It'll be interesting to see what this team does. Incredibly unbalanced right now, but 3 stud WRs is definitely a good thing.

3. Stanky Monkeys - Also a very interesting ranking. I said during the draft I thought this was your best effort to date. Still big question marks at QB and TE. There's definitely enough ammo here to be strong.

2. Ouch! My Hamstringy! - Josh Allen in the 6th round was an absolute steal. That should never have happened. Going triple RB was a little bold. The last time we saw that was TPG in 2020 and we know how that turned out. Again, probably a bit high for me, but this team should be good.

1. Tweeting in the Trenches - Drafted from a restaurant. I feel partially responsible here because I let Ekeler slip to the 3rd. Tannehill at QB is nothing special, but the rest of the team is pretty solid. Probably among the best drafts.

With the draft in the books, we shift to the regular season. The first game is Thursday, September 9th when the Bucs play the Cowboys. Looking forward to the season and thanks again to everyone who came out. It was great to see everyone again!

Insane Round 1 of the EFFL Playoffs

It is hard to justify with words the thrilling Wild Card round in the EFFL. The 3 games were separated by a mere 16 points combined. 2 of the 3 had lead changes in the final 2 minutes of the Monday night game.

I'll admit it. I chugged a beer with EEB at midnight. It was absolutely ridiculous. There's no point in talking about anything other than the Monday night game. All 3 games were still in play heading into Monday. 3 teams could do nothing but sit and hope their leads held on. For Fusco, he had enough to get it done. BG got within 10 on the final drive, but could not get any closer. It was a valiant effort for a team that just could not get over the hump this season.

The other two matchups were wildly different scenarios. The Pylons were down 34 points to Pork Chop Express with just Lamar Jackson left. A monumental task on Monday night. Ouch! My Hamstringy! was down just 5 points, needing that total from Justin Tucker to eliminate King.

Things started off well for the trailing teams. Lamar rips off a rushing TD in the first quarter. Lamar scores a second rushing TD just before halftime. The Pylons cut a 34 point lead to just 13 at the break. 3 Justin Tucker extra points has EEB down 2. Cheeks are being clenched everywhere (more to come on this shortly).

The second half begins... Lamar breaks loose again for a 44 yard run. Pylons immediately within 8. A 2nd Gus Edwards TD with an extra point pulls EEB to within 1. ESPN win probability now has the Pylons at 69% after being at just 1% going into the game.

The Ravens get the ball back and Lamar misses a wide open Andrews for what would've been a 50 yard TD. Would've given BG life. May have given EEB the win. Baker immediately follows that up with a pick that gets brought all the way down to the 1. Is it Lamar? No. JK Dobbins this time. Thanks TPG. But EEB is on the brink. Just needs the extra point, and it's BLOCKED. Only the 4th missed extra point of his career. Prior to that, he made 99.1% of his extra points. We move on. 4 minutes left in the 3rd quarter.

The Browns then begin to drive. Lisa Salters buzzes Levy in the booth. "We're keeping an eye on this, but Lamar Jackson has not been on the Ravens sideline for this entire Browns drive." Then the video emerges... we've all done this run. It's an unmistakable "get out of my way now!" run. They claim he's cramping. Whatever. Maybe stomach cramps.

I know that kind of run, and it ain’t because of cramps lol... pic.twitter.com/icg4Wv9pgt

— Will Blackmon 🍷 (@WillBlackmon) December 15, 2020

The Browns finally score, but when the Ravens take the field... Trace McSorley. Lamar is nowhere to be seen. They're still winning 34-28 and there's still 13 minutes left in the game. OK. Immediate 3 and out following Hollywood Brown's 3rd drop of the game (brown is clearly a theme here).

Browns score another TD. 35-34 Cleveland. Pylons still down 6. EEB down 1. Now only 6 minutes left in the game. Browns kickoff again. And out trots... Trace McSorley. At this point, Lamar has been gone for at least a half hour in real time. Possibly more like 45 minutes. This time the Ravens are at least moving the ball a bit. Run after run.

At this point, I'll be honest... I had to turn it off. I was done with Lamar. Banished from any future fantasy team because he couldn't get off the toilet. I had to change the mojo.

The two minute warning is approaching. The Ravens have 3rd & 2 at the Browns 41. McSorley tries to run and tears his ACL. Just shreds his knee. He's done. The two minute warning hits, the Ravens have 4th & 5 and are too far to kick.

They come back from commercial and here comes Lamar. Finally wiped his ass after almost an hour and he's got one play to keep the Ravens alive. He drops back, rolls, throws and finds Hollywood Brown streaking down the center of the field. Brown's streaking 20-10-5-TOUCHDOWN!!!! Ravens take the lead. Pylons 159 - Pork Chop Express 159. As it stands, the Pylons go through on a tiebreaker. But the game is not over. And EEB is also still down a point, but the Ravens go for 2!!! And they get it.

🤣🤣Yall trippin I definitely wasn’t taking a 💩 https://t.co/Tf4zoFpQ15

— Lamar Jackson (@Lj_era8) December 15, 2020

EEB is now firmly on the hot seat. Less than 2 minutes left. If the Ravens stop the Browns, the game is over and Woody advances. First play, Baker finds Donovan Peoples-Jones (Peoples helping peoples) for 30 yards. Juice for 7. Kareem Hunt for 16. Then Kareem Hunt AGAIN for a 22 yard TD. 4 plays, 75 yards, 47 seconds. EEB needs Cody Parkey to hit after missing 2 kicks already, but he delivers. Ravens 42 - Browns 42.

1:04 left to play. EEB down 1. Pylons-PCE level. The Pylons need Lamar to not turn the ball over at this point and you know he's coming out throwing. Hits Andrews for 14. Hits Andrews again for 14 more. Pylons up 1. Still can't have a turnover. Snead for 6. Andrews for 4 and a ball spike. 7 seconds left. Pylons up 2 (and likely clear at this point). EEB STILL down 1. Been down 1 since the 2nd half started.

It's a 55 yard field goal for Justin Tucker to send King and the Browns packing. The kick is up.. AND IT'S GOOD!!!! Woody made it 59 minutes and 58 seconds through the Monday night game before finally succumbing to Hamstringy! Ravens 45 - Browns 42.

But the fun doesn't end there. The Browns, in a desperate attempt to run a trick play and keep hope alive.. lateral, after lateral, after lateral. The play is going on for 20 seconds. And then it happens.. someone throws a backwards pass WAYYYY too far backwards. The ball goes into the end zone, and Jarvis Landry is tackled holding the ball in the end zone. Safety. Ravens 47 - Browns 42 final. While it had no bearing on the outcome of the game, the line was Ravens -3.5. Guess who had Browns +3.5? Ben Lobitz.

EEB and I FaceTimed. We chugged a beer with each other. It was an emotional rollercoaster. Here we are hugging after the game.

Tweeting in the Trenches 138 - Team BG 128

Dueling Pylons 161 - Pork Chop Express 159

Ouch! My Hamstringy! 110 - The King's Crusaders 106

Pylons-PCE was the 2nd highest scoring game in EFFL Playoffs history. In 2014, Tatz beat Lou in the Wild Card round 195-171. I don't know that score will ever be topped.

And I'm here for all of the Lamar memes. Any and all. I can't get enough. He insists he was cramping. Everyone knows the truth. Came back from bubble guts to deliver the game winning strike. This will forever be known as the Lamar poop game.

Week 15 Preview

This is one of the few years where I feel like nobody has gotten super lucky. The 4 teams still in are 4 of the top 5 teams in scoring from the season. Each team has looked very strong at various points in the season. Whoever wins will be deserving. All 4 teams this week are currently projected between 125 and 132 points. Doesn't get closer than that.

#1. Philly Peppers v. #7 Ouch! My Hamstringy!

Peppers missed out on all the fun in the Wild Card round. He's been peppering the GroupMe with puns trying to stay relevant since locking up the #1 seed after Week 12. The only thing that really mattered was staying healthy, which he managed to do. There may be some rust, but I think Peppers is ready to go. Waller and Herbert should get him out to a lead Thursday. This one could again come down to Monday night with Eric "EEBron" Brooking the last man standing. I think it's a close one here. Peppers has been good all season.

Commish's Pick: Philly Peppers

#4. Tweeting in the Trenches v. #6 Dueling Pylons

Have to worry about the Pylons hangover here, but the Pylons did win when these two teams met earlier in the season. Both teams could be in for another slugfest. DUPY has not forgotten their only appearance in the title game. It was back in 2013, when TITTY won its second title on his way to a 3-Peat (which certainly should've been a 4-Peat). You just don't forget these things. Nothing you can do here. This game is truly a toss up. Both teams have good matchups. It would be a shame to waste that Week 14 Lamar performance. I'll take the QB who has done it multiple times in the EFFL

Commish's Pick: Tweeting in the Trenches

It's going to be tough to top the Wild Card round, but there are two huge games in the semis. I'd certainly be surprised to see either of these games not be close. Good luck to the Final Four!

Week 12 - 6 Days Later

 

Well, it's Groundhog Day again. I blog to you on Tuesday night. We don't know when Week 12 will end. It could be Wednesday. It could be Week 12 for the rest of eternity. The NFL will simply not put the Ravens out of their misery.

I'm going right into the beef. And it will be beefy.

The season is in the shitter. I think people don't really care any more. Teams are being forced to use ridiculous players, play on ridiculous days. Ben Lobitz actually made a coherent statement for the first time in years.

How could the NFL not have seen this coming? They had examples to refer to. They had success stories and failures. On one hand, you had the NBA and NHL. They locked their players in a bubble and were successful in keeping players healthy and getting the games played.

On the other hand, you had Major League Baseball's close your eyes and hope for the best proposal. Teams were getting shut down left and right. Games were being limited to 7 innings. The Marlins played 28 games in 24 days just to fit games in. A World Series champion decided he was going to put all of his teammates at risk to celebrate. NFL players didn't want a bubble. You can't really fault them for that. Training camp plus the season, including playoffs, is 6 months.

The big problem with the NFL is they didn't take advantage of playing sooner. Can't mess with the tradition of the Super Bowl champ playing the Thursday after Labor Day or Hard Knocks in August! Everyone knew a second wave was coming. Everyone knew vaccines don't go from R&D to mass distribution in 4 months.

But the NFL didn't care. Their solution was fine teams, delay games, make teams forfeit draft picks. That's not a way to address a pandemic. Nobody is actively trying to get the virus. Most people that transmit it don't know they have it (unless you're a scumbag like Justin Turner). One Broncos QB gets it, the guys eat lunch, and they're made an example out of by being forced to play a practice squad WR. No game delay. It's your fault for getting it, not us.

The NFL should've shortened the season, started earlier, and done a playoff bubble (and delayed the 14 team expansion until next year). And it's going to continue to get worse, not better. The NFL protocols don't stop the transmission. Sorry Roger Goodell. Do they reduce them, sure. Do they stop them, not a chance. But as is frequently the case, no accountability. It's all about TV money, and it doesn't matter who pays.

Anyway... the EFFL moves on. I wanted to re-post the payouts. Again, I apologize for not posting these before. No changes to prior years.

1st - $1100
2nd - $500
3rd/4th - $150 each
Highest Points - $150
2nd Highest Points - $50

Playoffs Update

As long as the NFL continues, so do we. For teams who do not make the playoffs, no transactions are allowed after Week 13.

Also, any players added from Week 13 on cannot be kept next season.

Clinched

* 1. Philly Peppers (10-1-1)

I don't recall if this is a first, but Philly Peppers locking up the first round bye in Week 12 is awful impressive. Only one heroic league member had the balls to knock him off this year. Not much else to say here. See you in Week 15 for the inevitable collapse.

* 2. The King's Crusaders (9-3)

Locked into the 2/3 line. A win or Pork Chop Express loss gets you the 2 seed.

* 3. Pork Chop Express (9-3)

Without a win and King loss, you'll be the 3 seed. Need a win and King loss to get the 2.

* 4. Tweeting in the Trenches (7-4-1)

Remarkably locked into the 4 seed. Don't think a 4 seed has ever been locked into this slot before week 13.

Win and In

5. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (6-6)

If you win, you'll be the 5 seed and play Fusco in the Wild Card round. In the best shape of all the 6-6 or worse teams. Has the most points. Could certainly still get in with a loss. Wins over the Pylons, Gambino, Mike Y, Cutter, and the Pylons give you the tiebreak in basically every scenario. The only way you miss out is with a loss, BG win, Pylons win, and Dosh win.

6. Team BG (6-6)

6th seed. 6-6. I don't know if this is good news, but may as well throw $25 on 6. Playoffs start for you this week. Despite sitting in 6th, if you lose, you're out. A loss to Gambino means you cannot pass him. He's ahead of you in points and would have head-to-head. You also cannot pass EEB with a loss. And you will not be able to pass one of the Pylons/Dosh with a loss. If you do win, you'll either be the 5 or 6 seed. You cannot be the 7.

7. Dueling Pylons (6-6)

A win gets the job done. Can be seeded anywhere from 5 to 7. A loss is also not the end of the world. Would need one of Dosh or BG to also lose, and the Pylons could get in via points. If this team is 6-7, as many other teams as possible at 6-7 is ideal.

Win and Need Help

8. Cash Me Out Wide (6-6)

A valiant effort in defeating Mike Y. The league appreciates all you've done. If you win, you only need one of EEB, BG, Pylons to lose and you're in. There is actually a path for you to get in at 6-7 as well. If you lose, you'd need: BG win, Pylons win, Cutter loss, EEB loss. The EEB loss does seem the most unlikely, but there is still a path.

9. Geno 911 (5-7)

Very much alive and just dropped 195 points on Lou. Heartless. You must defeat BG. You'll put his season to bed. You then need one of Cash Me Out Wide / Pylons to lose. Doesn't matter which. Lastly, you need either Mike Y to lose, or if he wins, have Cutter also win. It would not be surprising at all to see this team in the playoffs. If you do get in, you'll likely be the 7 unless your team goes insane again.

10. Bo$$town Cutter (5-7)

Big win over Fusco. You know he wanted that one. We've got tiebreakers! You know you must first win. You beat CMOW, DUPY, BG, and Mike Y. That's big. You're low on points, so you need that head-to-head. You need: BG to defeat Geno 911. It must happen. It will lock him into the playoffs, but it must be done. There is also no circumstance where you can pass EEB.

So you're coming after the Pylons. Which is fine. I'll take your bullis. You need the Pylons to lose. You also need either EEB to win or Pylons to not outscore EEB by 48. Last, you need Dosh to lose. It's doable. If you get in, you'll be the 7.

• Win
• BG defeats Geno 911
• Pylons lose
• Cash Me Out Wide lose

11. The Old Ball Sack (5-7)

When I said a loss against Dosh would be devastating, I meant it. You're in serious trouble. Your list is longer, but also not impossible. You beat BG, Pylons, Geno 911, so that's who you need to end up in a tiebreak with. If Dosh or Cutter get into the mix at 6-7, you're toast. Likewise, if you get in, you'd be the 7.

• Win
• Geno 911 defeats BG
• Pylons lose
• Cash Me Out Wide win
• Cutter lose

We bid thee farewell

x. 12. Tequila Party Gnomes (4-8) - Happy Thanksgiving. Hope you enjoy the stuffing the Pylons gave you. What an asshole the commish is. At least you were lubed up. Injuries were brutal this year. You'll be back. Former champions always are.

Week 13 Matchups

I think we've hit on every game thus far, but here it is:

Dueling Pylons v. The King's Crusaders

Cash Me Out Wide v. Philly Peppers

Stanky Monkeys v. Tequila Party Gnomes

Pork Chop Express v. Bo$$town Cutter

Ouch! My Hamstringy! v. Street Pigeons

Geno 911 v. Team BG

Tweeting in the Trenches v. The Old Ball Sack

As usual, I'll post the playoff spreadsheet where you can track scores and see who's in / out. Good luck to everyone in Week 13. 

Final Two Weeks - Hot Sizzle

 

I don't know how you cut this man. He drove a stake through the heart of Aaron Rodgers. Good enough for me. And he was already my hero. 

Blanko x Amazing Ming - ATD
Prod. By Darkside

I'm no @Wixpatton, but I hope you guys still like it!🙏🏼 Huge shoutout to @TheAmazingMing and @imdarksidemusic for working with me to create this! #ATD #AttackTheDay #GoDawgs https://t.co/HOQDu4z8Tw

— Rodrigo Blankenship (@RodTheKicker3) April 16, 2018

Apparently he goes by 'BLANKO' in the hood. I'm not gonna lie... I did the Jay-Z head bob. This kinda bangs.

Also, I REALLY wish I had known Mike McCarthy decided to bring a sledgehammer on his private plane and smash a Watermelon like Gallagher before playing the Vikings. I never would've picked them in Survivor. You don't smash a watermelon with a mallet and then go out and lose. Don't think it's ever happened in the history of the world. I need the footage.

Beef of the Week: New Or-lee-ins Saints

First Taysom Hill. Everyone was mad enough that ESPN decided to leave this guy eligible at TE despite playing QB. DraftKings did it also. My account balance was not mad. But what is this guy doing? Just peppered Michael 'Slant' Thomas with 5 yard targets and ran for a couple scores? Does anyone think this guy is actually good? He's not good.

Also, I don't know how Drew Brees dealt with 11 rib fractures and a collapsed lung. I slept in pain for 2 weeks with 3. Dude's not coming back any time soon.

Lastly, I do not understand how the NFL has not yet taken a draft pick from the Saints for repeated violations of mask protocol. Every single week the coaching staff is screaming things with uncovered faces. Is this team immune from everything? What does Payton have on Goodell?

EFFL News

We have a few housekeeping items to get to.

First, the trade deadline is apparently November 27th at 3 AM. That's Thanksgiving night. Weird. I don't know how or why that's the case, but I will not change rules mid-season.

Second, as we've cleared the COVID rules for 2020, each team will be in for the full $150 league fee. Please do not pay yet. After the conclusion of the season, I'll sort things out and let you know where to direct your BitCoin.

Week 11 produced a lot of drama. Most notably, TPG fighting for his playoffs life against EEB in a Monday night showdown. Cooper Kupp ripped off 12 points on the first drive. A response from Bobby Trees pulled TPG back in front. The two continued to trade blows. Italian Chef Leonardo Fournette punched in a short Touchdown all but sealing Ouch! My Hamstringy!'s fate. Done in by my owna meatball!

No other games were that close, so let's get to the playoff picture.

Playoffs

4 teams have locked up a spot in the playoffs. Philly Peppers, The King's Crusaders, Pork Chop Express, and Tweeting in the Trenches are in. Peppers currently has a half game lead at 9-1-1 (somebody call 911! shorty fire burnin on the dance floor). King at 9-2 might be one of the most embarrassing things I've seen to date, and he's still in play for the bye. It does look like it'll be Peppers or King getting the top seed.

At the other end of the spectrum, only Street Pigeons have been eliminated. Stanky Monkeys hold on by a thread, and although not mathematically eliminated, unless they score 600 points to win a 6-way tie, it's not going to happen this year.

Locks

1. Philly Peppers (9-1-1)

2. The King's Crusaders (9-2)

3. Pork Chop Express (8-3)

4. Tweeting in the Trenches (7-3-1)

In Good Shape

5. Team BG (6-5) - The only team at 6-5. One win should be enough, but a lot of other teams are in play.

The Bubble

6. Ouch! My Hamstringy (5-6) - EEB has a couple things going for him. Beat the Pylons, beat Mike Y, beat BG, superior point total. That means he still controls his own destiny. Two wins and you're in.

7. Dueling Pylons (5-6) - While the Pylons would be in the playoffs if it ended today, the Pylons have lost to BG, EEB, Mike Y, Gambino, and Cutter. Beating Peppers and TITTY is great until you get into a tiebreak situation. The Pylons do have a good point total, so will either need to be clear at 7-6, or wind up in a multi-team tie involving Dosh somehow. If Mike Y beats Dosh this week, the Pylons could be in trouble.

8. The Old Ball Sack (5-6) - Conversely, Mike Y is not in bad shape. The win over the Pylons and BG help in tiebreak scenarios. As a result, this team also controls its own destiny. Two wins, and there is no scenario in which this team can be out, due to the Pylons not having a tiebreak over anybody. A loss this week to Dosh will be absolutely devastating.

9. Cash Me Out Wide (5-6) - While currently on the outside looking in, there's still hope. Must dust off Mike Y this week. Taking out EEB in an 85-83 slugfest probably won't come into play since he's got superior points and likely to be a multiple team tie. At 6-7, it's going to be real tough for this team to get in via points, unless the final two weeks are monster weeks.

10. Geno 911 (4-7) - It's possible a 6-7 team could get in. It's possible the 5 seed could be 6-7. Decent point total, but it'll probably have to be head-to-head that gets you in. At 6-7 you'd pick up a win over BG, and have a win over TPG. That could be enough. Things would have to break your way, but still very much alive.

11. Tequila Party Gnomes (4-7) - This team was 0-6 and left for dead. After a DP of EEB and Mike Y, TPG is hot. Winners in 4 of 5. Wins over Dosh, Mike Y, Cutter, EEB, Pylons would give you a lot of head-to-head tiebreakers. If you get to 6-7, I think there's a real chance you get in.

12. Bo$$town Cutter (4-7) - Not looking good for a repeat. Only team playing 2 of the top 4 in both of the final 2 weeks. Beat Dosh, Pylons, Mike Y, BG, so there are definitely some tiebreak scenarios like TPG, but the points are so low, you're going to need a LOT of things to break your way. Again, totally possible it happens, but you need some help.

No Mas

13. Stanky Monkeys (3-8) - Can get to 5-8 at best. A 5-8 team could get in in one scenario, but it won't be you. Seriously need like 600 points in the last 2 weeks and all 14 games to break your way. It's not happening.

The general consensus for most of the bubble teams is get EEB out of here. If he loses, it opens up possibilities for so many teams. He's the catalyst.

Week 12 Preview

Dueling Pylons (5-6) v. Tequila Party Gnomes (4-7) - This is a big one. Could be an elimination game for both teams. Pylons are spiraling. TPG is crowning. This should be another slugfest all weekend. Both teams are highly motivated to get another notch on their belt.

Bo$$town Cutter (4-7) v. Tweeting in the Trenches (7-3-1) - Think this could be it for Cutter. Needs it to stay realistically alive. TITTY must have this to stay alive for the bye.

Cash Me Out Wide (5-6) v. The Old Ball Sack (5-6) - This is probably the biggest game this week. One of these teams is going to get a huge leg up to make the playoffs, and the loser will need a lot of help. I know both of these teams have had this matchup circled on the calendar for awhile. Game of the week right here.

Ouch! My Hamstringy! (5-6) v. The King's Crusaders (9-2) - Another game both teams really want. EEB can see the playoffs with a win while Woody likely needs this to stay alive for the bye. Classic matchup here. Can't wait for it.

Team BG (6-5) v. Philly Peppers (9-1-1) - Peppers holds the cards for the first round bye. Win 2 and it's yours. Meanwhile, BG can keep his lead on the pack with a win. A loss throws Team BG into the mix with a ton of other terrible teams.

Stanky Monkeys (3-8) v. Geno 911 (4-7) - Geno needs this to stay alive, although hopes are slim. A Stanky Monkeys win will also just about eliminate Geno.

Pork Chop Express (8-2-1) v. Street Pigeons (2-9) - Probably the game with the least at stake this week. But PCE should win points, so if he ends up tied with Peppers, he still could get the bye. This would be a monumental upset.

I hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving. I'm looking forward to turkey and lots and lots of booze. There may be an EFFL Zoom at some point during the day.

Zero Chill

 

I think we can all agree that the league is better off when the Tequila Party Gnomes are out here causing a ruckus. He may not field a competitive team, but you can say with certainty that the trash talking will not be topped. I don't know if you get gold like "I creampied Mike Y" from any other league member. Frankly, I can't believe most of the stuff that comes out of his mouth. Where does he get the nerve?!?!?

But I love it. I can't get enough. And if you haven't been paying attention, TPG is the only team in the league sporting a W3. This has definitely been one of the more interesting years I can remember. We're very top heavy, but even at the bottom, the cut line for the playoffs could be low. I think it's possible at least one 6-7 team gets in the playoffs. Don't count yourself out yet.

Beef of the Week: Frank Reich

It's rare that I take umbrage with a coach who does not directly negatively impact me. I'm selfish. I know that. But what Frank Reich did was inexcusable. Jonathan Taylor was fighting for extra yards with 3 guys on top of him. As he's going to the ground he gets the ball punched out. He's so big and strong that he needed 3 guys to bring him down. Had that been me, I'd have fallen and fractured 3 ribs immediately. On the ensuing fumble return, Philip Rivers did this:

Philip Rivers with the worst tackle attempt since the merger
pic.twitter.com/RZ5xIDqAsl

— PFF (@PFF) November 8, 2020

I mean... come ahn. Was Rivers benched? No. Taylor never saw the field again. The Colts lost a game they needed 24-10. What point was made? If you lose a fumble, I'm going to play someone who's clearly inferior? It doesn't work. Tell the guy off and let him get back to work. Grow up.

EFFL News

Interesting Week 9 we had. EEB showed BG a total lack of respect after BG opened his doors and his heart. Jakobi Meyers 28 points on Monday night? Give me a break!! BG had a 15 point lead against Meyers and didn't even come close. Huge win for EEB though.

TITTY and DUPY had a classic battle. It only took 9 weeks, but the Pylons finally have a 2 game winning streak. And they're over TITTY and Peppers. This one does feel a bit lucky, but a win is a win. The Pylons are asserting themselves as a Beta in this league. Look out.

And Woody just keeps on winning. I don't know how he does it. Every week his opponent scores less than 90 points. He's quietly taking care of business.

Peppers responded to his first defeat with an annihilation of Pige. I don't know what he's got against the Atallian family, but he's now scored 339 points in 2 games against the two.

Week 10 Preview

Ouch! My Hamstringy! (4-5) v Dueling Pylons (5-4)
Huge game here. Both teams must be feeling good about where they're at. ESPN likes Hamstringy! as much as any team in the league this week. Pylons are a bit shorthanded. Wouldn't be surprised to see both of these teams emerge 5-5.

Tweeting in the Trenches (6-2-1) v The King's Crusaders (7-2)
Battle among the top 4 teams in the league. I don't know that the King is going to get away with another pathetic opposing effort. Gut check time. Two Giants fans lamenting about Daniel Dimes. This should be fun.

Pork Chop Express (7-2) v Philly Peppers (7-1-1)
Game of the week here. This could be huge in determining the bye. If Peppers pulls this out, he's in the driver's seat. I think this could definitely go either way. Also could be looking at a preview of the title game.

Team BG (4-5) v Tequila Party Gnomes (3-6)
I can say with certainty, if you're BG, this is not what you want to see. TPG's lineup sitting here on Wednesday projected at 72 points. W3. McCaffrey potentially shut down. But TPG is hot. Think this could surprise as a good game. Michael Thomas might show up once this season.

Stanky Monkeys (2-7) v Street Pigeons (2-7)
This is pretty much an elimination game. I can't imagine a team getting into the playoffs with 8 losses. I do think running the table could get one of these teams in, but it's a longshot. Definitely feel like these teams have underachieved this season.

Geno 911 (4-5) v Cash Me Out Wide (4-5)
It's always fun to guess when Dosh is going to write "SMH" or "FML" in the GroupMe. This past Sunday it was at 1:27 PM. Gambino is hanging tough. Both teams would love to get this win and get back to .500. Could be huge for the playoff push.

Bo$$town Cutter (3-6) v The Old Ball Sack (4-5)
Another game with 2 teams desperate for a win. Mike is currently clinging to the final playoff spot. Cutty might finally be getting healthy. But too little, too late? Perhaps you can also deliver a baby similar to TPG.

Power Rankings

14. Street Pigeons (2-7) - Last week: 13
13. Stanky Monkeys (2-7) - Last week: 12
12. Bo$$town Cutter (3-6) - Last week: 9
11. Cash Me Out Wide (4-5) - Last week: 6
10. Geno 911 (4-5) - Last week: 11
9. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-6) - Last week: 14
8. The Old Ball Sack (4-5) - Last week: 8
7. Team BG (4-5) - Last week: 7
6. Dueling Pylons (5-4) - Last week: 10
5. The King's Crusaders (7-2) - Last week: 4
4. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (4-5) - Last week: 5
3. Pork Chop Express (7-2) - Last week: 2
2. Philly Peppers (7-1-1) - Last week: 3
1. Tweeting in the Trenches (6-2-1) - Last week: 1

Still like TITTY the best. Still think he's the favorite. Good luck to everyone in Week 10!

Season in Disarray, Commish Nowhere to be Found

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I'll Have Another Claw

 

Sunday was a doozy. On the eve of Yom Kippur, the Commish tried to get in one final sin before atoning for the prior year. That did not work out... at all. So what else is a league member to do?!? Mango and Black Cherry claw to the face. Over and over. I found an opened and undrunk Mango in a room upstairs a day later. The football was bad, but the drinks were flowing.

What in the world was up with the 1 PM slate on Sunday. The 1 PM games have been bad. Very bad. Browns/Football Team, Giants/49ers, Texans/Steelers, Eagles/Bengals. The lowest of the low all at the same time. The league is already trying to shove horrible games down your throat on Thursday. I really think they should move the horrible games back to Monday night. Nobody wants to stay up til midnight anymore watching these games. Half the league doesn't even stay up until kickoff.

But now, on Tuesday, it's finally happened. The first COVID case has struck the Tennessee Titans. And of course, nobody cares at all about the actual players and coaches. Only how will this affect my fantasy team. I think that's the right approach. We could end up with Tuesday games. Morning games. Who knows!

I did see some funny stuff this week, and I do feel bad that my Twitter game hasn't been on point. That's what happens with no fans. No drunks. No fights. No hand jobs from a stripper at a Dolphins tailgate. Sad times. At least we have Big Dick Nick back. He deserves to start. In Philly.

We had a classic DK bonehead play

DK Metcalf just got stripped at the 1 yard line on a 63 YD reception.

He now averages 1 fumble every 4.75 games for his career. pic.twitter.com/lCJ96lyW7A

— Barstool Sabermetrics (@sabermetrics) September 27, 2020

We had Kyler impressing:

Kyler Murray jukes out the defender for the TD 🔥

pic.twitter.com/pMqi6Fpk8l

— NFL Stats (@NFL_Stats) September 27, 2020

It turned out to be a not so bad Sunday, all things considered.

Also, LOL Kalen Ballage

This play is the #Jets season in a nutshell.

Kalen Ballage gets murdered on an attempted hurdle after a 3rd-and-23 swing pass he caught 7 yards behind the line of scrimmage.pic.twitter.com/S1i9bQgFat

— The Jet Press (@TheJetPress) September 27, 2020

Beef of the Week: Doug Pederson

Playing for a tie against the Bengals. Nothing else needs to be said.

Power Rankings

I think I have a good pulse on the state of the league. The rankings are fair. Don't expect much movement this week!

14. Stanky Monkeys (0-3) - Last week: 13

Last in points. Taking on water via injuries. I wish I had a more optimistic outlook, but until Julio and Le'Veon get back, this team is in some trouble.

13. Geno 911 (1-2) - Last week: 14

Immediately regretting a trade with the Pylons. A tale as old as time. At least you didn't give up anything good either. Huge comeback with Tyreek Hill to pick up a much needed victory.

12. Dueling Pylons (1-2) - Last week: 12

Another disappointing performance. The Pylons have yet to do anything noteworthy in 2020 and are still left searching for answers. Perhaps a matchup with Dosh will cure what ails.

11. Bo$$town Cutter (1-2) - Last week: 11

Same comments as last week. Very strong at the RB position, but still something to be desired at receiver. I think if you made a trade or two you'd start to climb. For now, this is fair.

10. Tequila Party Gnomes (0-3) - Last week: 10

0-3 can't be what TPG imagined this season. Just going to need to ride out the storm until CMC gets back. A matchup with Gambino might just be the ticket. In an embattled relationship with Hammy Watkins. Needs to regain the upper hand.

9. The Old Ball Sack (1-2) - Last week: 10

After getting flogged by EEB, got waxed yet again by Woody. This team's in some trouble. There are a number of teams clearly better at this point, so really need to make some moves. Perhaps a waiver claim may turn the tide.

8. Street Pigeons (1-2) - Last week: 8

Let Dosh off the hook. I really thought you had him, but Hollywood was MIA. I gave you Rex Burkhead Sunday morning. I should've listened to my own advice, but the victory was there for the taking. 

7. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (2-1) - Last week: 6

Put up a huge week and I drop you. Not right. Allen Kamara has been huge thus far. Competent play from the rest of the talent looks like this team is legit. Losing to Lobitz. Sad!

6. Team BG (2-1) - Last week: 5

Just needed a matchup with the Pylons to feel good. Not an overly impressive performance, but a win is a win. This team will look a whole lot different with Michael Thomas back. Arrow pointing up.

5. Cash Me Out Wide (2-1) - Last week: 3

I already know what's coming. Crappy point total. Pylons on deck. You were just saving up a huge week for Week 4. Winning the tough games matters in the end. I don't want to hear jack about your bench any more. If your bench is so good, start the fucking guys.

4. The King's Crusaders (2-1) - Last week: 7

Perhaps I was a bit harsh last week. I even said it at the time. I'm still a bit up and down on this team. Think a couple teams behind you could be better, but you always seem to get a ton from the special teams positions. That's not nothing.

3. Philly Peppers (3-0) - Last week: 4

This team looks good. Very solid depth. Drafted well (or at least somebody did). I don't see any reason why this team isn't a contender to win it all. It's eluded you a couple times. Perhaps this is the year.

2. Pork Chop Express (3-0) - Last week: 2
It has been a good start. I don't think this team is as good on paper as it has been, but still a very solid squad. May as well keep rolling the same squad out there until the wheels fall off.

1. Tweeting in the Trenches (2-1) - Last week: 1

As expected. Put the #1 jinx on TITTY and he responded. Up to #1 and dropped 160. That's what you love to see. Not much else to say.

**** Game of the Week ****

Pork Chop Express v Tweeting in the Trenches

Top 2 teams in the power rankings square off. Safe to say the winner is #1 in the rankings after this week. Think this is going to be a very high scoring game. Word is the trash talk has already started.

Good luck to everyone this week, and I hope your players play!

COVID Conditions

I also just wanted to reiterate how we will handle this weekend's matchup. As of 9/30, Titans/Steelers is proposed to be played on an unknown date. If you have a Steelers or Titans player that you intend to use, keep them in your lineup.

If by Sunday, 1 PM, it is not yet determined if the game will be played, you will be allowed to select an alternate replacement from your roster. If the game is ultimately not played, I will replace that player in your lineup. I will also share a list of potential replacement players after 1 PM. You must let the commish know your replacement player by 1 PM Sunday.

*** GAME OF THE WEEK ***

Week 3 is big for a lot of teams. The Old Ball Sack v The King's Crusaders sticks out to me. Two teams you expect to see at the top are both 1-1 and could really use a win.

League in Shambles After Saquon's Knee Explodes

Can you believe this guy's drip? First the sombrero. Now this. Swagga on a hundred thousand trillion. I love Aaron Jones... but I hate Aaron Jones. The guy has ruined so many weeks for so many people. Dropped 44 on Pige. Dropped 40+ multiple times last year. Dating back to Week 2 of last year, Aaron Jones has 27 Touchdowns in 19 games. Maybe he'll get the due he deserves. He's #good

You don't need to hear me complain about the injuries from week 2. They were devastating. What you do need to hear about is a business opportunity. The EFFL is considering a new endeavor based on emerging results in the NFL. This has already been copyrighted by league members, so don't even bother:

Fantasy Player Insurance.

Let's say you draft Will Fuller. You think he may get hurt (he will). There's an extra fee of $40 to insure him for season-ending injury and an extra fee of $60 to insure him for missing 3+ games. If he gets injured, you get to file an insurance claim with the league. This claim will pay out 2x the premium. If he does not get injured, you collect nothing. Any overage on insurance premiums versus payouts gets donated to the league pot.

The league would publish insurance rates at the start of the season and perhaps at different points in the season. This would add a fascinating dynamic to the league. Do you draft injury-prone players higher with the intent to insure them? It also would make injuries hurt a little bit less.

What else happened in Week 2? We've witnessed the demise of a number of former heroes. Julio Jones - we bid ye farewell. Emmanuel Sanders - enjoy retirement. Rob Gronkowski - please come to our draft next year. Drew Brees - open a restaurant on Bourbon and lace em up. Kirk Cousins - seen his last EFFL title.

And yes, the Pylons miraculously pulled off a 1 point victory* (pending stat changes). I had to not watch. I had to do it. I woke up and fist pumped like crazy.

Beef of the Week: Atlanta Falcons

Bet nobody saw this coming. It was a collapse of epic proportions. Matty Ice was absolutely slinging it. Cowboys couldn't stop turning the ball over. 3 lost fumbles. It was all going wrong.

I don't know what the turning point was but poor TPG was ravaged by Philly Peppers. Dak insisted on 3 rushing TDs. Had to happen. Prior to Sunday, only 10 times in NFL history has a QB thrown for 350 and scored 2 rushing TDs. Dak went for 450 and 3. Nobody has ever had 450 and 2 before.

And of course the onside kick. How can you not know the rules. The ball is sitting there and all you have to do is cover it. It's the hands team for cryin out loud. Game should've been long over. And of course it's Jerry Jones in Jerry World going nuts. There's no combination of team / owner / situation that could've been worse than what transpired on Sunday. If you hate the Cowboys and you hate the Patriots, it's mandatory you now hate the Falcons. They're responsible for everything bad that has happened.

Power Rankings

We now have a bit more information. Not a ton of change, however. I think I did a decent job in Week 1. Let's take another look.

14. Geno 911 (0-2) - Last week: 12
I don't think this is surprising. There was real fear the team wouldn't crack 40. Hitching the wagon to Brady/Gronk may have been a mistake. I questioned the age of this team, Perhaps a deal with the Pylons will generate a spark. Todd Gurley does not look good.

13. Stanky Monkeys (0-2) - Last week: 10
Just too many Eagles this year. Butker may be the best player on the roster. This team has some decent alternatives. John Brown and Jerry Jeudy should be in the lineup almost immediately. I do think better days are ahead for this team.

12. Dueling Pylons (1-1) - Last week: 14
Escaped with a lucky victory over Stanky Monkeys. This team still has a ways to go. Maybe this win will be a turning point. Kelce has been as advertised, but Lamar Jackson sits 10th among QBs. That's going to have to improve tremendously for this team to contend.

11. Bo$$town Cutter (1-1) - Last week: 13
Must've felt good to defeat Dosh yet again. I'm sure he was praying all Monday night that he'd hold on. And you left it late. Your RBs finally came through. Jacobs/Chubb/Conner is going to have to stay consistent for you. But if week 2 is any indication, you'll be OK. KJ Hamler could be clutch.

10. The Old Ball Sack (1-1) - Last week: 11
Got pounded by EEB. That was funny. Unfortunately lost Sutton for the season, which is a huge blow. Drew Brees looks horrible. I think this ranking could be a bit generous, to be honest. I'm concerned about this team's bench and ability to deal with the loss.

9. Tequila Party Gnomes (0-2) - Last week: 8
After coming just short v Pige, got absolutely obliterated by Philly Peppers. Was devastated that things turned south that quickly. The McCaffrey blow hurts. And Mostert went down too, which is rough. If only there was a running back on the bench out of Naples, Italy to fill the void...

8. Street Pigeons (1-1) - Last week: 5
This is mostly a result of the Saquon injury. That hurts. But Russell Wilson has been the MVP thus far. And you've got some decent players. Going to need to play the waiver wire closely. Grab some rookies and hope for playing time.

7. The King's Crusaders (1-1) - Last week: 6
Seems a bit unfair to dock you after a big win, but you started Scotty Miller. I refuse to believe Tyler Higbee is a thing. I like your bench, though. I think you may run into a bit of an issue with lineup decisions, but I don't see any reason this team shouldn't be competitive.

6. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (2-0) - Last week: 7
If Josh Allen and Kamara put up 70 a week, I think you're probably the best team. I still think you have too many Giants. And you should be docked for using Christian Kirk. This is one of those interesting situations where you're likely to be very inconsistent. But 2-0 is a great start. Can't complain about that.

5. Team BG (1-1) - Last week: 2
I honestly think any of the top 5 could be in any order. At full strength, this might be the best team in the league. Still think you need a running back, but there's some serious talent on this team. Calvin Ridley is the #1 WR, and he doesn't look to be slowing any time soon.

4. Philly Peppers (2-0) - Last week: 9
Was certainly too low last week. What did Matt actually do to you? 188 points in Week 2 is awful impressive. Even your kicker dropped 13 on him. And that's without Kenny Golladay. You have to be feeling good about where you sit right now. And who can blame you. David Montgomery still stinks.

3. Cash Me Out Wide (1-1) - Last week: 1
Despite a down week, I'm still optimistic. I think you have the best WR corps in the league with Nuk, ARob, Odell, and now CeeDee. Hubris at the QB and WR positions could be problematic. You're going to be debating those positions every week.

2. Pork Chop Express (2-0) - Last week: 4
Getting more out of the WR position than I think you expected to. If that keeps up, this is a contending team. I don't know about James Robinson, but JT is going to be big. Only real concern here is the bug. I'm not a fan of the bench depth at all.

1. Tweeting in the Trenches (1-1) - Last week: 3
This is more about what this team could do. Started a QB that didn't even play and still won. Adams got banged up. Kittle is still banged up. I just think right now, at full strength, this is the team to beat. Aaron Jones, Adams, Kittle, Ekeler is the best big 4 in the league. Let's see what happens.

*** GAME OF THE WEEK ***

Week 3 is big for a lot of teams. The Old Ball Sack v The King's Crusaders sticks out to me. Two teams you expect to see at the top are both 1-1 and could really use a win.