Sunday, December 1, 2019

The Final Week of 2019


Nom nom nom!!! Hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving and filled up on delicious carbs. No beef this week. No blog. Just right into the scenarios.

Week 12 shook things up a lot. 8 teams are now competing for 5 spots. Any of the 8 can be in, and any of the 8 can be out.

We lost a good man in Week 12. Phil Imbesi, AKA Philly Peppers, finally succumbed to his injury-plagued season. In the end, it was just too much to overcome. We will see you again in 2020. You can knock Dosh out though, so there still is something to play for.


Battle for the Bye

 It's down to EEB and Mike Y for the bye. EEB could not deliver with Cooper Kupp Monday night and now Mike Y is in the driver's seat. A win for Mike or an EEB loss will see him through. EEB needs a win and Mike Y loss or draw. ESPN is projecting The Old Ball Sack to pound TITTY on Sunday and take the bye. We cannot yet call this one.

Wild Cards

 8 teams, 5 spots. I don't ever recall a year where there was this much uncertainty heading into the final week. It's exciting!

There are two categories of teams here: "Win and In" and "Win and Need Help". Let's start with the win and in.

Win and In

Geno 911
Somehow finds himself in 3rd place. Tough matchup with BG. Not all is lost, however, if you lose. In fact, you'd need Ben and Cutter to tie for you to not get in. That's the only scenario where you're out. Just about in.

Bo$$town Cutter
Huge do or die game w PCE. Because of your low point total, you may not have the luxury of getting in with a loss. But it's possible. Need Dosh to lose and you're in. I did not find a scenario with Dosh losing and you missing the playoffs. Your H2H win over Lou could prove massive.

Tweeting in the Trenches
It's bad. Win and in is certainly true, but there's so much unknown. The main thing you have going for you is your point total. If you lose, you want as many teams to also be 7-6 as possible. The key matchup to watch is Geno 911. You don't want him to pass you in points, because you then could get thrown in the H2H matchups. This is by far the most volatile team out there. Could be the 3 seed. Could be out.

Pork Chop Express
If you do lose, all is not lost. You're actually in decent shape. You definitively will finish ahead of the Pylons or King because of points. But if you lose, you'll need both Stanky Monkeys and BAD NEWS BOSH to lose. Pretty straightforward set of scenarios.

Dueling Pylons
Following an unbelievable comeback Monday night against TPG, the Pylons now can lock up a playoff spot with a win (or potentially a tie). The Pylons cannot lose and get in. Playoffs start this week for this team.


 Win and Need Help
If these teams do not win in Week 13, they will be eliminated. This is not a non-elimination leg.

 The King's Crusaders
Just about a win and in scenario. You'd need a PCE win, BAD NEWS BOSH win and him passing you in points to miss out. It's not impossible. Dosh's point total is the one to keep an eye on. You're going to want to get the EFFL Playoffs spreadsheet fired up.

Stanky Monkeys
TPG will not go quietly. Point total is solid. You're actually in pretty good shape to get in if you do win due to the King/Pylons and PCE/Cutter matchups. Somebody has to lose (or at least not win). You should give Fusco a call to root for Cutter. If he wins, you're both almost certainly in, provided you also win.

BAD NEWS BOSH
Definitely in the worst shape of any team still in play, but also not out of it by any means. You really need Stanky Monkeys to lose. And you could really use a Cutter loss. Your H2H win over him may come into play if it's down to you two, which is definitely in play. Also keep your spreadsheet updated.


Alright, a lot to play for today. Good luck to everyone!
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Saturday, November 23, 2019

Weekend Preview - Week 12





Bet you thought I was dead! Well, guess what? Surprise!

Decided to try to be a bit more relevant and see how a late week blog would fare. Going to do a preview for the final two weeks here and see how it goes.

Philip Rivers in the Azteca was fun. I'll be honest.. I didn't watch a second of Monday Night Football. I was enthralled with the international soccer break. In fact, the game at the Azteca shifted El Tri to Toluca, where they dashed the Gold Cup dreams of Bermuda with a 93rd minute winner. Neither here nor there (also follow @We_Global on Twitter).

A real bet you can make:
Odds for which will happen first:

Philip Rivers announces retirement +120
Announces wife pregnant with baby No. 10 -160


Speaking of gambling, there were some pretty high scoring games on Sunday, which was a lot of fun. Had a 5-0 week against the spread which also was quite the thrill. Yet Mike Y pounded me into bolivion.

Ohio State may have good receivers, but QBs... ehhhh???
Shameless Pylons highlight





Beef of the Week: Troy Aikman

 Guy is absolutely insufferable. "Let's see if they can't get this here". You mean let's see if they can get it? Guy probably could care less. All of a sudden the tables have turned.

 It's bad enough he's tremendously biased as an announcer when he's supposed to be neutral. But he's so full of himself and he's very, very frequently wrong and yet is so confident he's right. Actually makes me cringe to hear him talk. He's in the running with Charles Davis for worst broadcaster in the NFL, but I think he's at the top of the list.
Playoff Picture

 This is why you're all here. You want to know the breakdown for who's in and who's out. The magic number this year is 8... for now. 8 wins guarantees you a playoff spot. These playoffs are wide open. We'll go low to high.

Eliminated

 Street Pigeons
Tequila Party Gnomes
Team BG

This is not all that unexpected. Too much claw had to be the culprit. It was a valiant effort in 2019. Will see you all in 2020.

Qualified

 1. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (9-2)
Impressive record. Only 2 losses. But those 2 are to teams right behind you (Fusco and Mike Y), so you may lose out. Win your last two and the bye is yours.

2. The Old Ball Sack (8-3)
By far the most points scored, so definitely going to pick up that money. Need a win and some help with an EEB loss to secure the bye. You do own the tiebreaker.

Almost There

 3. Geno 911 (7-4)
On a W6, this is the hottest team in the league. Owns head-to-head tiebreaker over almost everyone fighting for a wild card. You're probably still in with two losses.

4. Tweeting in the Trenches (7-4)
This team has definitely cooled down, but still should be fine. Owns some tiebreakers and a pretty solid point total. Still a very slight chance at the bye. I expect you to end up in the 3-5 range.

5. Pork Chop Express (6-4-1)
I think 7-5-1 will be enough to get in, as long as you don't get outscored by the Pylons by 100 points over the final two weeks. 6-6-1 and I don't know. You'd probably need some help. But you're still in good shape. Dispatch 1-10 Street Pigeons and you should be in.


The Bubble

 Here's where things get interesting. It seems like the top 5 are in pretty good shape, but it's not a done deal yet. There are likely 6 teams fighting for 2 spots, which leaves no room for error. There is a set of circumstances where 6-7 (or 6-6-1) could be enough to get in. But we'll know more after this week.

6. BAD NEWS BOSH (6-5)
This team has been ice cold after starting 6-2. Hasn't cracked 100 points since week 8, and with the last two against Mike Y and Philly Peppers, this team could be in some trouble. Win over Cutter may help in a tiebreak scenario, but points scored may not (particularly if Phil makes a run).

7 Bo$$town Cutter (6-5)
Another team that doesn't give me a warm and fuzzy. Ripped off 6 straight mid-season, but now with back-to-back losses and a final two against 2 teams in front of you needing to win, I'm concerned. Additionally concerning is your low point total, which will not help in a tiebreak. I think if you finish 7-6, that may not be enough because of your tiebreaker situation.

8. Dueling Pylons (5-5-1)
Back to back losses against the league's elite currently has the Pylons on the outside looking in. 1-1 in the final two probably won't be enough unless something crazy happens. But 2-0 may be sufficient. This team just hasn't put it together yet and is running out of time. Game v King is probably an elimination game.

9. Philly Peppers (5-6)
Of the teams currently on the outside, I actually like this team's chances the best to make it. Really good point total and finally getting healthy. Head-to-head with Dosh in Week 13 could very well knock one of you out. You don't control your own destiny, but you'd need some bad luck to miss out if you win two.

10. The King's Crusaders (5-6)
3 weeks in a row without cracking 100. But got a huge win against Dosh in Week 11. Hamstringy and Pylons basically means your playoffs start now. I think it'll be really tough for you to get in at 6-7. But, if you do get a win this week, the matchup with the Pylons next week will likely knock one team out.

11. Stanky Monkeys (5-6)
Still only one game back of a playoff spot and a decent point total. So you're definitely not out of it. Beat Dosh and Phil, so you'd win a head-to-head tiebreaker over them. I think your last two games are winnable, so at 7-6 you could sneak in.


It's pretty remarkable at this point that there are 6 teams within 1 game of each other right on the playoff bubble. It's going to come down to the final week, and there are far too many permutations to make a bet at this point. It's fun.

Good luck to everyone in Week 12. Once the dust settles, I'll be back with a playoff update.
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Tuesday, November 5, 2019

The Popeye's Chicken Sandwich is Back

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Tuesday, October 29, 2019

Past the Halfway Point


No, that's not Ryan Fitzpatrick. That's the largest chunk of turf I've ever seen caught in a facemask, compliments of James Conner.

Alright, you selfish sons of a bitch. Leave me in the trenches taking grenades. This past month has been a whirlwind. I'm buying a house and have been totally swamped with work. I know that the league has been deprived of a blog, so I'm here to alleviate that need.

Finally, after years, TPG and Kirk Cousins are reunited. Your captain. Oh captain. My captain. Here's Kirk dressed up for Halloween.


And here's an image of TPG from just a few Halloweens ago:


It truly is fate. Is TPG this year's team of destiny? Is it going to be a 3-peat for Cousins in the EFFL? That remains to be seen, but the correlation is staggering. I also appreciate Dosh attending the party as a white guy. Perhaps Pete Caroll. I don't know.

There was also a lot of kicking on Sunday. Nick Chubb had a ball fumbled due to his own teammate getting it kicked out. Deshaun Watson got kicked in the face and made one of the most incredible plays you'll ever see.






Meech did, in fact, attend Bills/Eagles. No word on if he officially contracted a disease, but all signs point to yes.

And how about this evisceration of Blake Bortles. Our boy Leonardo did not hold back at all:



Beef of the Week: The Cleveland Browns

It's a miracle they made it this long. Probably because of not blogging for 3 weeks. They're horrible. I am STILL in denial. I can't believe that a team with that much talent on both sides of the ball can be so horrible. But this is the QB:


I've seen him described over and over as a used car salesman. I think it may be true. He looks disheveled! I miss Cam Newton's horrible outfits. We're left with this guy trying to get you a sweet deal on a 1982 Chevy Nova. What the hell happened? Freddie Kitchens could be in over his head. I'm sick of seeing this team. It's week 9 and I still think they're gonna be good. Half the season is over!

I wish they'd go away so I can get over this mental hurdle. It's bad.


Power Rankings

Look, I appreciate everyone taking initiative via email to kick start the blog. Phil with some epic trolling of an absolutely pitiful offer from Pork Chop Express was hilarious. Things are heating up. Only 5 weeks to go in the regular season, so we've gotta think playoffs now.

14. Street Pigeons (1-7) - Last week: 14
This team is bad. One of the worst we've seen in a long time. 3.5 games out with 5 to play. It'll be over soon. Your initiation season has gone as expected.

13. Team BG (1-7) - Last week: 10
This team caught some tough breaks this year. Especially this week against King. You've scored more points than I have, so to be in this spot is unlucky. I think your team is good enough to run the table, but even that may not be enough.

12. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-5) - Last week: 12
Scored more than Pidge, but 100 points behind the next closest team. But you're only 1/2 game out of the playoffs! It's been a roller coaster season, and finally back healthy things could improve. But the WR position has been nothing short of a disaster.

11. Geno 911 (4-4) - Last week: 13
Started two players who were inactive. This will not stand. Pay attention or the league will impose sanctions. Beat Pidge 83-70 in one of the worst games of the season in the EFFL.

10. Bo$$town Cutter (5-3) - Last week: 11
Started 0-3 and has now won 5 in a row. I don't have any idea how that's happened. But this team has been playing much better. I'm not surprised things have gotten better, but I still think there's work to be done to get into the playoffs.

9. Dueling Pylons (4-3-1) - Last week: 8
Finally put together a reasonably respectable showing in Week 8. Injuries and byes have not been friendly, but this team has shown potential early in the season. The WRs have to come through for this team to be successful. Next 3 against Fusco, EEB, and Mike Y is not good.

8. The King's Crusaders (4-4) - Last week: 7
Latavius Murray exploding is something we can't all afford the luxury of. Certainly in contention and has also dealt with a bit of injury. I think this team is going to either just make it or just miss the playoffs.

7. Stanky Monkeys (3-5) - Last week: 9
Just dropped 170 points, so this team is certainly capable. 2nd week over 160 on the season. But has failed to crack 100 3 times. That type of inconsistency hurts. Will be interesting to see if this team keeps its good performances going.

6. BAD NEWS BOSH (6-2) - Last week: 6
Remarkably consistent over the past few weeks. I did not expect the Fitz/ARob combo to be serviceable, but they've been OK. Are you drinking at 10 AM on Sundays now? I think you'd be wise to do that.

5. Pork Chop Express (4-3-1) - Last week: 5
Very inconsistent team at this juncture. Has explosive weeks and then duds right after it. The Jets are also tanking now which does not help matters. But DK is coming on, and if the Seahawks ever decide to throw the ball, that could help.

4. Philly Peppers (3-5) - Last week: 4
The injury bug has bit hard. Mahomes, Adams, Fuller. All these guys going down has your team in a tough spot. But this team should be good. It's just a matter of if it'll be enough at this point to get into the playoffs. A lot of teams competing for a few spots.

3. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (6-2) - Last week: 3
Cooled off a little bit after the 5 game win streak. Tough when Fusco drops 175 on you. But this has been one of the most consistent teams, and at 6-2, I have no doubt you'll be in the playoffs. Last 5 are BG, Pylons, TPG, King, Pidge. You'll be in play for the bye.

2. The Old Ball Sack (5-3) - Last week: 1
A desperate cry for help after the #1 curse got him. Started off 5-0... commish put him at #1 and immediately an L3. Scored over 135 in 2 of those 3 too. But yea, that's tough. I finally obliged and moved you down. Poor TPG is now in the crosshairs.

1. Tweeting in the Trenches (6-2) - Last week: 2
This was specifically requested by Mike Y. So blame him. The 175 point outing was bullshit. Not even going to get into Aaron Jones. DUPY lucked out with your entire team on bye, but I'm sure the Giants will score 700 points and Evan Engram will go off for 8-165-2. I can't believe Lobitz cut Brees. Your QB situation was really bad.


Week 9 Matchups
Dueling Pylons v Tweeting in the Trenches
Street Pigeons v Philly Peppers - Habanero v Habanero
Stanky Monkeys v BAD NEWS BOSH
Geno 911 v Pork Chop Express
The King's Crusaders v Bo$$town Cutter
Ouch! My Hamstringy! v Team BG


Game of the week: The Old Ball Sack v Tequila Party Gnomes
A 2nd revenge game for Mike Y after the hotel room incident. He already dispatched Meech with ease. On an L3 I expect him to do the same.

We'll have 1 more week of power rankings after Week 9. After Week 10 we'll switch to the playoff view. Good luck!
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Tuesday, October 8, 2019

5 weeks in the books


It's gonna be a short one this week. High Holidays and all.

I'm not sure if this guy is dead



 But he's dead.

Someone, for the love of God, take me to this place:


I need to be at the Phog with Snoop, followed by extracting Claws with a Claw.

Beef of the Week: Russell Wilson Talk

This is more a beef about what's NOT happening. Over his past 17 regular season games, Russell Wilson has 40 TD and 4 INT. Dude just gets completely ignored as one of the best because he's not as flashy as Mahomes or Watson. But he's a beast. Wonder if anyone will ever notice.


Power Rankings
The league is super top heavy right now, which means everyone is still in it. There's 1.5 games separating 6th from last.

 14. Street Pigeons (1-4) - Last week: 14
Back in the loss column. Last in points. Well deserved spot in the cellar. Mess with the bull and you get the horns.

13. Geno 911 (1-4) - Last week: 9
As expected, continues to take Ls. Better weeks are ahead.

12. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-2) - Last week: 11
I don't know how TPG does it, but now over .500 despite being 2nd to last in points. This team should hit full mast down the stretch.

11. Bo$$town Cutter (2-3) - Last week: 13
Plowed me. Nothing else to say. Had an unstoppable week.

10. Team BG (1-4) - Last week: 8
Boyd finally woke up, but what an absolutely brutal loss. Negative points from Baker. You win that game 9 times out of 10, at least.

9. Stanky Monkeys (1-4) - Last week: 6
Really struggling after showing some signs of life. Needs to pick things up pretty quickly.

8. Dueling Pylons (2-2-1) - Last week: 2
This team is straight trash. Hasn't scored a TD in 3 weeks.

7. The King's Crusaders (2-3) - Last week: 12
Just needed a bit of a kick in the pants. Responded well. Matt Ryan still stinks.

6. BAD NEWS BOSH (4-1) - Last week: 10
Haven't seen anything to indicate this team is better than I thought previously. To nobody's surprise, complained profusely about a kicker.

5. Pork Chop Express (2-2-1) - Last week: 5
Not sure how we ended up here. I don't necessarily think you have the 5th best team. Lot of congestion in the middle.

4. Philly Peppers (2-3) - Last week: 3
Still putting up points. Mahomes scoring 21 feels like a huge letdown. Talent is still there.

3. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (4-1) - Last week: 7
Playing well. Putting up points. I like what I've seen the last couple weeks. Again, I'm not such a bad guy.

2. Tweeting in the Trenches (4-1) - Last week: 4
Aaron Jones 48 points?!?!? Come ahn!! That Ekeler well is going to dry up quickly, so it'll be interesting to see what happens here.

1. The Old Ball Sack (5-0) - Last week: 1
Tried to jinx this guy by ranking him #1. Instead put up 190. The league has two "men" to thank for this assault on the league. Don't ever mess with the fantasy gods.


Week 6 Matchups
Street Pigeons v Dueling Pylons
Philly Peppers v Geno 911
Bo$$town Cutter v Team BG
Stanky Monkeys v Tweeting in the Trenches
The Old Ball Sack v Pork Chop Express
The King's Crusaders v Tequila Party Gnomes

EFFL Game of the Week
BAD NEWS BOSH v Ouch! My Hamstringy! - I fully expect this matchup to play out with both gentleman covered in wing sauce, dollar bills, and diseases.  I'd bet neither team breaks 100.
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Tuesday, October 1, 2019

One Month In



3-0 Bills v 3-0 Patriots. A tale as old as time.



 I don't know what you thought would happen, but it would never be the Bills winning. Here's some classic highlights from the Bills Mafia.



 I hate the Falcons. HATE, the Falcons. Meech is banned from picking them ever again. Can't happen, folks. Also, shout out to all the people that went down in their survivor pool on Colts and Rams. Deuces.

What else happened? The Dolphins are still horrendous. The Vikings still haven't thrown the ball this season (YOU LIKE THAT?!?). Leonardo Fournetti, everyone's a favorite sauce guy, popped off for 225 yards. Bucs/Rams had 95 points.

Club Dub also was lit:



 One of my biggest regrets was not doing the special Jewish DFS lineup on Sunday. It was the Jewish new year, and a lineup featuring Josh Rosen, Julian Edelman, and Tarik Cohen would've won me millions. Don't let me forget next year to get this right.

Dolphins dancers are back.

View this post on Instagram
A post shared by hiim6 🌙 (@baldfuckingbarbie) on


If I do not see Meech on a pole outside Hard Rock Stadium with Dreams and Nightmares blaring in the background, he will be eating a habanero again next season.


Beef of the Week: Headhunters

I've had a chance to cool down a bit. Sunday featured some absolutely vicious helmet to helmet blows. Burfict was suspended for the season. There was obviously outrage because other hits didn't lead to similar punishment. But that's not the point.

"Football is a violent game!" Of course it is. You have massive human beings running full speed into each other. That doesn't feel good. People get hurt all the time.

People also have lives outside of football. Helmet to helmet hits are penalties for a reason. That stuff has no place in the game. You're taught not to use your helmet to hit for a reason.. it can go bad for both parties. If it makes the game safer to not use your helmet, just do it. If you need your head to tackle, you suck at football. I've seen enough. They need the targeting rule like in college. Nobody is going to learn unless it costs them money... a lot of money.


Power Rankings
Every team is within 1 game of a playoff spot. Things remain wide open.

14. Street Pigeons (1-3) - Last week: 14
Alright! Finally in the win column despite a less than stellar performance. Can't complain about allowing 80 points. I appreciate your love for guys with II in their surname.

13. Bo$$town Cutter (1-3) - Last week: 11
Likewise got into the win column. Must feel good. It was a nail biter and Michael Thomas came through for you. I still remain optimistic, but would like to see you put up some points.

12. The King's Crusaders (1-3) - Last week: 7
Not sure what's going on here. Way too much inconsistency. I'm expecting more going forward, but questions must be asked at this point! Is this team going to be OK with Jordan Howard as its best player?

11. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-2) - Last week: 13
Last Tuesday I wrote "maybe Melvin Gordon will show up to work one of these days". The next day, he arrived. You're welcome. Still hanging in there despite getting a shitty draw yet again. Hopefully Leonardo's hamstringy doesn't feel like a bit of fettuccine. Delivered in the EFFL game of the week. Love to see it.

10. BAD NEWS BOSH (3-1) - Last week: 10
Your team may be better than this ranking, but your complaining knocks you down at least a spot or two, maybe more. We'll never know. I'm blocking your number.

9. Geno 911 (1-3) - Last week: 8
This team is all over the place. I don't know what to make of it. I feel like this team should be better, but the results haven't been there. There's a 70 point Ertz/Kamara week coming. Hopefully it's not when we play.

8. Team BG (1-3) - Last week: 4
It's been a precipitous fall. Things have not gone well over the past two weeks. The Damien Williams injury has been a pretty big blow. Hopkins and Boyd should turn it around, and I still expect you to ultimately get into the playoffs.

7. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (3-1) - Last week: 12
People say I'm terrible to trade with, but look what I did.

6. Stanky Monkeys (1-3) - Last week: 9
This team has performed much, much better. Tough loss this week. Wentz/Dalvin/Evans has been an awesome trio thus far. If some of the bench/secondary guys get going, could definitely be one of the better teams in the league.

5. Pork Chop Express (2-1-1) - Last week: 6
From last week's blog: "I'm sure you'll win this week. Every time I move you down, you win." I just know that's how it works. I wish you used Royce Freeman. That Chubb 88 Yard TD gave you the win. It was the best run I've ever seen.

4. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-1) - Last week: 2
Not a bad showing. Maybe jumped the gun a bit. Melvin Gordon coming back is going to hurt a lot. That's one of the main reasons for the drop. I still think you're OK, but it's going to be harder.

3. Philly Peppers (2-2) - Last week: 5
That Patriots defense has been lethal. Outscoring Mahomes! Think you'll be OK. Especially if Adams is now back. He had a rough first couple of weeks.

2. Dueling Pylons (2-1-1) - Last week: 1
#1 jinx is a real thing. Did it to myself! Good news is that this extreme outlier was on a week when 155 points wouldn't have been enough. Makes it easy to get over this fluke loss. Maybe shouldn't have traded Godwin.

1. The Old Ball Sack (4-0) - Last week: 3
109 points! Stupendous. You're 4-0. I can't justify keeping you down much longer. Let's see how long this run at the top lasts.


Week 5 Matchups

 Dueling Pylons v Bo$$town Cutter - perfect matchup during the High Holidays
Ouch! My Hamstringy! v Geno 911
The King's Crusaders v Stanky Monkeys
Team BG v BAD NEWS BOSH
Tequila Party Gnomes v Pork Chop Express
Philly Peppers v Tweeting in the Trenches

EFFL Game of the Week
Street Pigeons v The Old Ball Sack - This is a revenge game for AC. Mike Y gets a chance to avenge his slap in the face and actually sleep in a bed on Sunday night. I expect his best perfromance.
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Tuesday, September 24, 2019

Three Weeks of Pure Bliss



It's time to eat! Celebration of the year right here:




And the hero we don't deserve:


Nobody knew what to expect in Week 3. Would it be a disaster with Luke Falk? (Yes) Would Josh Rosen be murdered on the field? (Yes). But it wasn't so bad! Gardner Minshew is so hot right now. Talked about how he smashed his own hand with a hammer to try to get a medical redshirt.

Kyle Allen torched the lowly Cardinals and their #1 overall pick and handsome coach. Mason Rudolph was a disaster. Dwayne Haskins time is coming.

But... Danny Dimes. Whoever came up with that nickname is genius. Way better than "Scary" Terry McLaurin. Side note... you can't just give the nickname "Scary Terry" to every player named Terry. That's not how it works. That one better not stick.

Danny Dimes bent over Bruce Arians and the Buccaneers and gave Chris Fusco the best climax he's ever experienced. I could hear the screams of pleasure from Forest View Drive in the next state. And I'm laughing and happy for the time being. Giants fans think they've got the next Patrick Mahomes. If only he had someone to throw the ball to. Maybe an Odell Beckham. I don't know. I look forward to fading the Giants due to the extreme, full bloom love about to take place.

Sure, Bruce Arians took a penalty on purpose to give his field goal kicker a longer field goal, which I've never heard of before in my entire life. But this was all Giants, baby. Bills home opener was Sunday. Bills are 3-0, welcoming the 3-0 Patriots to town next Sunday. Someone will die. Probably not this guy. He's already dead:



 And how bout this power bomb:
Unbelievably electric stuff. The Eagles suck almost as much as the Dolphins, so that's fun. I highly doubt this year will be the year we see the highly anticipated Super Bowl rematch between these franchises when Dan Marino miraculously returned at halftime after going missing.

And of course, congratulations to Adam and Rebecca Cutter for becoming first time parents. Right after the birth, I'm told Adam immediately went to check the inactives, while Rebecca prepared for Sunday Funday from the hospital. Congrats from the EFFL!! (the words you were looking for most, I know).


Beef of the Week: NFL Schedule Makers

Seriously... who has this job and why do they suck SO bad? Here are the Monday night games:

Broncos @ Raiders
Browns @ Jets
Bears @ Redskins
Bengals @ Steelers
Browns @ 49ers
Lions @ Packers
Patriots @ Jets
Dolphins @ Steelers
Cowboys @ Giants

Sorry guys, but you're never getting another blog on Tuesday morning. This is so, so bad. I fell asleep at like 9 PM last night. Blogless. How can I possibly suffer through these games long enough to see the results and then type a blog. I'm not that young anymore! If you want to help the commish, just don't start any players on these teams. I'd appreciate it.


Also, I realized I never shared the updated payouts since we moved to $150. Here's what we've got

1st: $1100
2nd: $500
3rd-4th: $150 each
High Season Points: $150
2nd High Season Points: $50
Total: $2100

The EFFL champion will take home more money than ever.


Power Rankings:

14. Street Pigeons (0-3) - Last week: 11
Sadly has lost the plot. Fallen arse over tit. Taking the piss. AB quitting football is not good for the brand. Pidge is in trouble. No wins. Now the byes are hitting. It could be a struggle. Need to right this ship quickly.

13. Tequila Party Gnomes (1-2) - Last week: 8
Blew your load all over Meech. Followed it up with two stinkers. Now Saquon goes down. It's still very early, but man that's a lot to recover from. Maybe Melvin Gordon will show up to work one of these days. Only one game out of the playoff cut line.

12. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (2-1) - Last week: 14
Hey, you're 2-1! The trade winds were a blowin' Thursday night. Ultimately agreed to Lindsay/Hollywood for Godwin/Mostert after turning down the exact same offer but also throwing in a case of beer from your end. I admire your bargaining. I still want that beer, though.

11. Bo$$town Cutter (0-3) - Last week: 9
Having a baby on a football Sunday is no excuse. Lowest scoring team through 3 weeks, and I'm surprised. Expected more. Devonta Freeman and Mike Williams have not been reliable at all.

10. BAD NEWS BOSH (2-1) - Last week: 7
4th to last in points scored. I'm sure you'll drop 150 on me. Having to sit James Conner and Aaron Rodgers can't be a good feeling, but I respect the bold moves. Let's see if your team responds.

9. Stanky Monkeys (1-2) - Last week: 13
Should never have changed the team name! A 160 point outburst was huge, and I'm glad to see this team getting back on track. I think this team's arrow is heading up. Montgomery getting more carries. Will Dissly looks like he's legit out of nowhere. Definitely on the rise.

8. Geno 911 (1-2) - Last week: 12
I know you'll take an easy win. Never ideal to miss the draft and then the 2 weeks preceding the season, but you're hanging in there. That's all I've got.

7. The King's Crusaders (1-2) - Last week: 10
Lacking that killer instinct this year. Would like to see some more consistency, but that could be a problem. Chris Carson is a fumbling machine and other players have a tendency to disappear. Middle of the pack for now.

6. Pork Chop Express (1-1-1) - Last week: 4
I'm sure you'll win this week. Every time I move you down, you win. Diggs is a bust. OH MY GOD you're using Royce Freeman. Please no hahaha. And Demetrius Harris. How can you look yourself in the mirror?

5. Philly Peppers (2-1) - Last week: 3
Took your first L. Mike Y is on a mission. I'm concerned your roster is thinning out. Throughout the bye weeks, it may be a bit of a struggle. But finding Waller was nice (even if it was because of stupid Matthew Berry).

4. Team BG (1-2) - Last week: 1
I've done enough damage. I'll back off. Still nothing to be concerned about at this point. 4th in points. I like this team to pick things up. Baker has been bad. Feels like Tyler Boyd and Ridley have done nothing. Better days are ahead.

3. The Old Ball Sack (3-0) - Last week: 6
Last week in the blog I said "this isn't a real team". Well Mike Y dropped 183 on the King in responses and here we are. Everything clicked for one week. The week before you put up 98. I don't know how to properly handle that kind of standard deviation. So #3 it is, for now.

 2. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-0) - Last week: 5
3-0! Holy shit! I did not see this one coming. Austin Ekeler and Evan Engram are manhandling the opposition. I guess this team is good?!?! 129, 133, 132 is the kind of consistency that gets you going places in the power rankings. Well done.

1. Dueling Pylons (2-0-1) - Last week: 2
I know I shouldn't do this. I really, really shouldn't do this. The last time the Pylons hit #1 in the Power Rankings was Week 7 of 2016. But I think this ranking is fair at this point. This is a star-studded roster that's putting up points.


Week 4 Matchups

 BAD NEWS BOSH v Dueling Pylons
Tweeting in the Trenches v Pork Chop Express
Street Pigeons v The King's Crusaders
Philly Peppers v Ouch! My Hamstringy!
The Old Ball Sack v Team BG
Bo$$town Cutter v Stanky Monkeys

EFFL Game of the Week

 Tequila Party Gnomes v Geno 911 - This game is a turning point. One team will see their season slipping while the other gets back to .500 and can seriously consider making a playoff push. Lots at stake in the original pepper rivalry match. The last two champs face off here.
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Tuesday, September 17, 2019

Back At It

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