Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Who Has the Power?



Beef of the Week: No one man should have all that power! I just don't understand the whole Ezekiel Elliott thing. Him and Dak combined for over 70 points all in my grill. Fucking infuriating.

But I don't understand what is happening. How does Zeke always get a judge that rules in his favor? How does Goodell always get a judge that rules in his favor?

Let's look at the facts:




OK, now really let's look at the facts, with some nice bullet points

  • Triflin' ho screams at Zeke for wanting to bang other chicks
  • Law enforcement determines that there was nothing worthy of pressing charges
  • A year later, the NFL interrogates the woman regarding what she alleges Zeke did to her
  • NFL suspends Zeke
  • Zeke appeals and wins
  • NFL appeals and wins
  • Zeke appeals and wins
  • NFL appeals and wins
  • Zeke appeals and wins
This shit is ridiculous. A smart man here cuts his fucking losses. How much do you lose in game checks from being suspended 6 games? Seems like it's about $600k. Go pay this girl $200k if she tells the NFL she fabricated the whole story (which she almost certainly did). You play, you only lose 2 game checks instead of 6. Seems like a no brainer.

She won, bro. Take this L. She said she was gonna ruin your life, and she did not stop until you became a fat slob that can't even where his cutoff anymore. Beating up on San Fran ain't shit.

But Zeke is an idiot. This will not happen. I guarantee that this drags on. Ultimately the NFL is going to win. Zeke will be suspended, but not before giving it to me raw. 2 days later and I'm still sore. It got so bad that Pylons were out here pushing coaches


There were some GREAT videos this week.

How bout this lady rubbing on rookie Aaron Jones' junk:



Sammy Watkins caught fire:


FitzMagic got suplexed:



But how bout those Eagles? That's a good team! Maybe even the best in the NFC!

I've gotta admit, I was a little slow to get on board with Wentz. He was down with the like of Bortles, Flacco, Siemian, Case Keenum, and Osweiler in QB rating last year. After a 3-0 start, the Eagles had a horrendous run where they went 2-9. People forget that!

Dude's been legit in 2017, though. Escapability, accurate deep passing, guys who can catch the ball. It's been fun to watch, and anybody not on board yet has no excuse. Only team with 1 loss in the league. Football Outsiders gives the Birds a 41.9% chance of being the #1 seed, and a 66.3% chance of getting a bye. Might actually have a shot this year.


Power Rankings

 Another week in the books, and another week the King lays the hammer. Bad news for the lowly Pylons

1. The King's Crusaders (6-1) - Previous: 1
Nothing new to report. Loaded up on Jaguars and appears to be working.

2. Pork Chop Express (4-3) - Previous: 2
Shockingly only 4-3. Allowing by far the most points. I still think you're OK.

3. Tequila Party Gnomes (4-3) - Previous: 4
The King of Monday night wins. Always seems to get it done on Monday night and looking very strong right now.

4. Cash Me Out Wide (4-3) - Previous: 7
I wouldn't say leaving Amari Cooper on the bench gets you votes for "GM of the year". Team is playing well. Nelson Agholor is a top 15 WR. How?!?!

5. Geno 911 (5-2) - Previous: 5
I'm concerned about your Packers. That Aaron Rodgers injury hurt you probably as much as it hurt me.

6. Team BG (4-3) - Previous: 6
Terrelle Pryor sucks something fierce, but OJ Howard waiting in the wings could be big. Done a decent job avoiding the injury bug thus far.

7. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-4) - Previous: 3
Inconsistency is the biggest problem here. I still think you're OK with those RBs. Nothing new to report. Will be up and down.

8. Tiny Hands Bigly Tweets (5-2) - Previous: 14
Cowboys aren't going to play the Niners every week. I'm sure you'll put up 65 this week.

9. Bo$$town Cutter (2-5) - Previous: 8
Not sure what has happened here. I still think you've got a good roster, but just can't pick up any wins right now. I think you'll fight back, but running out of time.

10. The Old Ball Sack (3-4) - Previous: 10
Whole roster makes me cringe. I wouldn't feel confident throwing out anybody on your roster at this point other than Aaron Jones. That's saying something.

11. Team Bartholomew (3-4) - Previous: 9
Fallen on hard times. Like Cutter, I'm surprised with this record. I think your roster is better than the record indicates. Lost Beast Mode to a fight and a kicker to an injury. Ouch.

12. A Lot O'Tatz (2-5) - Previous: 12
Really gave it to Tatz. You and I are in the exact same boat. Lost a high pick to injury. Other top picks are performing. Getting absolutely nothing from anyone else.

13. Dueling Pylons (2-5) - Previous: 11
See: EEB. Would've beat 5 other teams. Still scoring some points, but it's just not enough right now. Needs to find some magic quickly and about to get smoked by a flame grilled whopper from the King.

14. Stanky Monkeys (2-5) - Previous: 13
You've gotta be frustrated. Players are just not scoring points right now. Haven't found the combination to put it all together.


Week 8 is likely going to be a turning point. A bunch of teams are on the verge of 6 losses, and that's really bad news. 7-6 may not get you into the playoffs. Things are starting to heat up. Good luck to everyone!
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Monday, October 16, 2017

Back on the Map



Yo, fuck this! That's now 3 of 14 teams to already have their first round pick lost for the season. And it sucks. I never, EVER draft a QB early. I finally decided to go for it and this is what happens. Sad Aaron Rodgers wheeled off the field for the final time in 2017.

Like a good neighbor... State Farm is thereeeeeeee. With a new collarbone! But it wasn't. I also didn't make that up. Same shit, different year. So many guys constantly get hurt in football. It's inevitable. But I just was not prepared for this.

It's like when Brady blew out his knee in 2008 on week 1 as I puked in a parking lot on Main Street in Newark, DE. Went and saw Finch with Matt at the Troc on Saturday night. Blew my pants off. What a show. After partying all night, I drove down to Grotto's to watch football. I was so fucked up on the turnpike. Don't even know why I went. I got to Grotto's, couldn't even muscle down a beer, watched Brady get bent in half by the Chiefs, ate half a slice of pizza as Matt and EEB laughed at me, then went and threw up in the parking lot and drove home.

I felt equally as sick yesterday. I'd argue that day in 2008 was the last day the NFL saw its best player get knocked out for the entire season. I don't know how to deal with this. I listened to the audio on Red Zone all day and couldn't even watch. But it's to be expected at this point. Just making it a bit more fair for the rest of the league.




Yuu HAVE to watch it with the sound. HAVE TO!


Absolute gold.

Here's some other fun stuff from the weekend:













PUT ME DOWN!!!

One of the things that I've found so crazy thus far is how inconsistent everything has been in the NFL has been. Literally no "expert" or even Vegas, knows what the hell is going on.

From resident oddsmaker TPG, the Delaware Park teasers went 13-11 this week. For reference that's a 12 point window around the spread for each of 12 games. Exactly 1 of the 12 games played Sunday had a final score in that 12 point window.

Look at what the ESPN guys did: http://www.espn.com/nfl/picks  - Straight up, the leader through Sunday had 6 of 13 picks correct. It's just a total crapshoot right now. Atlanta was the first 13+ point favorite to lose straight up in over 5 years.


Beef of the Week: The Steelers are dirty mother fuckers




Here it is in slow motion:



This is absolutely ridiculous. The Steelers always get away with this and there's a play like this almost every single week. Here's Ryan Shazier earlier this year:




There are plenty more like this, but this hit on Alex Smith is absolutely disgusting. Maybe I'm just a bit more sensitive to injuries, but I thought we were finally past the point of guys intentionally trying to hurt other players. We're not. Guy should be suspended for the entire regular season.


Power Rankings

 Things are a bit sorted, but not really. Still looks like the same two at the top with the rest of the field wide open. But first:

Gambino is 5-1!!! Has anybody else seen this?!?!? How is this possible?

1. The King's Crusaders (5-1) - Previous: 1
Despite finally losing, King is still at the top. Following the Chiefs. Hopefully they go in the tank soon.

2. Pork Chop Express (4-2) - Previous: 2
Just beat #1, but so did the Steelers. They're not the best team. Clear top 1-2 in the league as I've said all season.

I'll be honest.. Just wingin it from here on out.

3. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-3) - Previous: 9
Seriously, who knows. Your RB trio is going to carry you. WRs leave a bit to be desired, but with Josh McCown at the helm, nothing to fear.

4. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-3)- Previous: 6
OH CAPTAIN!!! OH HENRY!!! I like the squad! I think your team has the arrow pointing up. Fitz and Cousins are carrying  you. Win turned into a blowout Monday night.

5. Geno 911 (5-1) - Previous: 8
I'm sure this is the highest I've ever had you. I don't believe it. Ertz is a stud though. Losing Odell hurts.

 6. Team BG (3-3) - Previous: 3
I still like your team. The Patriots combo is on fire now. Team has been putting up points. Could have something in Perine.

7. Cash Me Out Wide (3-3) - Previous: 14
I need a special power ranking for you that is outside the rankings. Point total by week: 73, 123, 55, 75, 135, 152. The variance on that is astronomical.

8. Bo$$town Cutter (2-4) - Previous: 5
Fallen on hard times. Outsmarted yourself leaving Carlos Hyde and the win on the bench in favor of Duke Johnson and biased homerism Mike Gillislee.

9. Team Bartholomew (3-3) - Previous: 4
Team age is really starting to show. But I still think your team could easily move up. You've avoided injuries and have 2 of the top 10 players in the league. Tough week with byes.

10. The Old Ball Sack (2-4) - Previous: 11
Team is in the shitter. Can't figure out who to start. Only bright spot is Deshaun Watson, and that run of good luck has to come to an end sometime.

11. Dueling Pylons (2-4) - Previous: 7
Ugh. Nothing more to say.

12. A Lot O'Tatz (1-5) - Previous: 12
Didn't realize how bad things had gotten. Defending champion SHAMED! Olsen is hurt. The Falcons look like trash without Kyle Shanahan. I don't know, man.

13. Stanky Monkeys (2-4) - Previous: 10
Snuck out a win, but things have not gotten better. Sammy Watkins is a ghost. Now Sanders is hurt. Matt Ryan has the same number of picks as INTs.

14. Tiny Hands Bigly Tweets (4-2) - Previous: 13
No way. If this team makes the playoffs, I will be stunned. Put up 71 points and got a win. Now Jameis is hurt too. I have to give you credit. Still picking up wins.


Hope you enjoyed the blog comeback. My apologies for the lapse last week. The standings are CLOSE!
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Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Karma Haunts Imbesi



BREAKING: Ezekiel Elliott wins injunction from Texas court. NFL barred from imposing suspension for duration of lawsuit (likely all season).

Thanks everyone for Zeke and DJ. Where do you want me to pick where our draft party is next year?


These are the words sent from one Phil Imbesi on September 8th, right before the season began. Since that fateful email went out, Phil has lost David Johnson, C.J. Fiedorowicz, Dalvin Cook, Jordan Matthews, Michael Crabtree, and Davante Adams was almost decapitated. Zeke has his suspension looming still. Team is in absolute shambles.

I have to admit. I'm upset about Dalvin. Guy looked good and was really fun to watch. As soon as he got up and went over and hugged coach Zimmer, I knew he was done. There's work to be done.

Also, I've decided the blog will be published on Tuesday nights from now on. I'm tired of having an incomplete picture just to get the blog out. Deal with it.

Monday night was wild. Not just because Travis Kelce, chief douchebag did this:


But, in case you missed it, arguably the worst bad beat I've ever seen. And in true hilarious fashion, Lobitz had Redskins +7. Watch this final play:


That's BRUTAL. The clock was on 0:00 for at least 10 seconds. Absolutely disgusting. That's the type of shit that happens on Monday nights. It's a miracle it didn't swing a fantasy game in the EFFL.

But my favorite.. FAVORITE moment from Sunday was this absolute EXPLOSION from Philip Rivers


What in the world is he yelling into his helmet? Best "caption this" in the comments will be featured in a one-on-one interview for the blog next week.

You know who really sucks? Ben McAdoo. Guy tried to channel his inner Jim Mora "Playoffs?!?!? I'm just trying to win a damn game!" It didn't work. He should resign and save us all the misery. Get back to BBQs and power tools. I'm not going to post the clip. It sucks.

This is how you really don't care.


Football has provided tremendous enjoyment this year. Parlays have been terrible, but oh well. Seems like there's some incredible stuff happening every week, but...

Beef of the Week: Doug Pederson

It's a miracle Doug has escaped this long. REFUSES. REFUSES to give LeGarrette Blount the ball. It was so bad last week that the crowd cheered every time he got on the field. I don't understand why it's so hard to feed your horse. He's running over everyone.

4 PM games are dangerous. I was hammered before the game even started. This led to a lot of yelling. More like pleading. I lost count of how many times I screamed "PLEASE DOUG! PLEASE!"

Then this FINALLY happened:


I lost my shit. As he's rumbling I immediately burst into the Big Lebowski bit "DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS?!?!? DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS LARRY?!?!?!" I didn't even try to change it to Doug. I stopped myself short of screaming "when you fuck a stranger in the ass" in the middle of a crowded bar. That's the loudest I've yelled for a sporting event in at least 5 years. It was glorious. There must be more of that.


Power Rankings

1. The King's Crusaders (4-0) - Previous: 1
Could this be a runaway. Preseason #1 King is obliterating the competition. 572 points to date. Only one other team is over 450. Must be nice.

2. Pork Chop Express (3-1) - Previous: 2
Got banged by Terrelle Pryor Sr. Have another one of those weeks and you could fall. Still OK for now.

3. Team BG (3-1) - Previous: 5
Team finally looks like it's coming together despite Derek Carr breaking his back. Solid, unspectacular team that could surprise.

4. Team Bartholomew (2-2) - Previous: 4
Gurley looks like a total stud, which moves you up in my book. The Gurley-AJ combo may be the best 1-2 in the league. Tough loss this week.

5. Bo$$town Cutter (2-2) - Previous: 3
I'm seeing a few cracks. Team scored less than 100 points despite over 40 from the kicker and defense. Played a tough schedule thus far, so should pick it up soon.

6. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-2) - Previous: 6
Team is starting to come alive. Hitching the wagon to the Redskins looks OK so far. Alvin Kamara could become a real player.

7. Dueling Pylons (1-3) - Previous: 12
Finally got in the win column. DP is right in the middle of the pack in points scored despite the slow start. Team has improved each week, which has to count for something.

8. Geno 911 (3-1) - Previous: 9
Can't believe you're 3-1. First time since 2013. I think you could potentially move up. Team is playing well. 

9. Tweeting in the Trenches (2-2) - Previous: 10
Another team I feel is solid, but unspectacular. Consistently improving and the 3 RBs haven't bit the dust yet. Still massively concerned about WRs.

10. Stanky Monkeys (1-3) - Previous: 11
Welcome to Sammy Watkins hell. 2 points in a critical game?!? Never seen that one before. Team is healthy just very inconsistent. Should be in it all the way.

11. The Old Ball Sack (1-3) - Previous: 13
Someone had to be the best of the worst. Other than Jordy Nelson, team is really struggling. Perhaps DeShaun Watson can rescue you. Not looking good.

12. A Lot O'Tatz (1-3) - Previous: 8
Not sure where you can turn. Alshon and Julio just are not delivering at stud levels. RBBC sucks the BBC. Might be time to burn that waiver priority to get a good player.

13. Tiny Hands Bigly Tweets (2-2) - Previous: 7
Probably a bit harsh, but this is more about who's left standing on your squad. Good news is you already have some wins under your belt.

14. Cash Me Out Wide (1-3) - Previous: 14
I have no idea what's going on with this team. 326 points scored through 4 games. Drafted QBs in rounds 5, 6 and 7 and cut all 3 before Week 4. That's not a recipe for success. Amari Cooper is terrible.


Been a wild ride thus far. Last place and 2nd place are separated by all of 2 games, which makes things fun. Looking forward to more wild yelling this Sunday. Good luck everyone.
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