Tuesday, October 29, 2019

Past the Halfway Point


No, that's not Ryan Fitzpatrick. That's the largest chunk of turf I've ever seen caught in a facemask, compliments of James Conner.

Alright, you selfish sons of a bitch. Leave me in the trenches taking grenades. This past month has been a whirlwind. I'm buying a house and have been totally swamped with work. I know that the league has been deprived of a blog, so I'm here to alleviate that need.

Finally, after years, TPG and Kirk Cousins are reunited. Your captain. Oh captain. My captain. Here's Kirk dressed up for Halloween.


And here's an image of TPG from just a few Halloweens ago:


It truly is fate. Is TPG this year's team of destiny? Is it going to be a 3-peat for Cousins in the EFFL? That remains to be seen, but the correlation is staggering. I also appreciate Dosh attending the party as a white guy. Perhaps Pete Caroll. I don't know.

There was also a lot of kicking on Sunday. Nick Chubb had a ball fumbled due to his own teammate getting it kicked out. Deshaun Watson got kicked in the face and made one of the most incredible plays you'll ever see.






Meech did, in fact, attend Bills/Eagles. No word on if he officially contracted a disease, but all signs point to yes.

And how about this evisceration of Blake Bortles. Our boy Leonardo did not hold back at all:



Beef of the Week: The Cleveland Browns

It's a miracle they made it this long. Probably because of not blogging for 3 weeks. They're horrible. I am STILL in denial. I can't believe that a team with that much talent on both sides of the ball can be so horrible. But this is the QB:


I've seen him described over and over as a used car salesman. I think it may be true. He looks disheveled! I miss Cam Newton's horrible outfits. We're left with this guy trying to get you a sweet deal on a 1982 Chevy Nova. What the hell happened? Freddie Kitchens could be in over his head. I'm sick of seeing this team. It's week 9 and I still think they're gonna be good. Half the season is over!

I wish they'd go away so I can get over this mental hurdle. It's bad.


Power Rankings

Look, I appreciate everyone taking initiative via email to kick start the blog. Phil with some epic trolling of an absolutely pitiful offer from Pork Chop Express was hilarious. Things are heating up. Only 5 weeks to go in the regular season, so we've gotta think playoffs now.

14. Street Pigeons (1-7) - Last week: 14
This team is bad. One of the worst we've seen in a long time. 3.5 games out with 5 to play. It'll be over soon. Your initiation season has gone as expected.

13. Team BG (1-7) - Last week: 10
This team caught some tough breaks this year. Especially this week against King. You've scored more points than I have, so to be in this spot is unlucky. I think your team is good enough to run the table, but even that may not be enough.

12. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-5) - Last week: 12
Scored more than Pidge, but 100 points behind the next closest team. But you're only 1/2 game out of the playoffs! It's been a roller coaster season, and finally back healthy things could improve. But the WR position has been nothing short of a disaster.

11. Geno 911 (4-4) - Last week: 13
Started two players who were inactive. This will not stand. Pay attention or the league will impose sanctions. Beat Pidge 83-70 in one of the worst games of the season in the EFFL.

10. Bo$$town Cutter (5-3) - Last week: 11
Started 0-3 and has now won 5 in a row. I don't have any idea how that's happened. But this team has been playing much better. I'm not surprised things have gotten better, but I still think there's work to be done to get into the playoffs.

9. Dueling Pylons (4-3-1) - Last week: 8
Finally put together a reasonably respectable showing in Week 8. Injuries and byes have not been friendly, but this team has shown potential early in the season. The WRs have to come through for this team to be successful. Next 3 against Fusco, EEB, and Mike Y is not good.

8. The King's Crusaders (4-4) - Last week: 7
Latavius Murray exploding is something we can't all afford the luxury of. Certainly in contention and has also dealt with a bit of injury. I think this team is going to either just make it or just miss the playoffs.

7. Stanky Monkeys (3-5) - Last week: 9
Just dropped 170 points, so this team is certainly capable. 2nd week over 160 on the season. But has failed to crack 100 3 times. That type of inconsistency hurts. Will be interesting to see if this team keeps its good performances going.

6. BAD NEWS BOSH (6-2) - Last week: 6
Remarkably consistent over the past few weeks. I did not expect the Fitz/ARob combo to be serviceable, but they've been OK. Are you drinking at 10 AM on Sundays now? I think you'd be wise to do that.

5. Pork Chop Express (4-3-1) - Last week: 5
Very inconsistent team at this juncture. Has explosive weeks and then duds right after it. The Jets are also tanking now which does not help matters. But DK is coming on, and if the Seahawks ever decide to throw the ball, that could help.

4. Philly Peppers (3-5) - Last week: 4
The injury bug has bit hard. Mahomes, Adams, Fuller. All these guys going down has your team in a tough spot. But this team should be good. It's just a matter of if it'll be enough at this point to get into the playoffs. A lot of teams competing for a few spots.

3. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (6-2) - Last week: 3
Cooled off a little bit after the 5 game win streak. Tough when Fusco drops 175 on you. But this has been one of the most consistent teams, and at 6-2, I have no doubt you'll be in the playoffs. Last 5 are BG, Pylons, TPG, King, Pidge. You'll be in play for the bye.

2. The Old Ball Sack (5-3) - Last week: 1
A desperate cry for help after the #1 curse got him. Started off 5-0... commish put him at #1 and immediately an L3. Scored over 135 in 2 of those 3 too. But yea, that's tough. I finally obliged and moved you down. Poor TPG is now in the crosshairs.

1. Tweeting in the Trenches (6-2) - Last week: 2
This was specifically requested by Mike Y. So blame him. The 175 point outing was bullshit. Not even going to get into Aaron Jones. DUPY lucked out with your entire team on bye, but I'm sure the Giants will score 700 points and Evan Engram will go off for 8-165-2. I can't believe Lobitz cut Brees. Your QB situation was really bad.


Week 9 Matchups
Dueling Pylons v Tweeting in the Trenches
Street Pigeons v Philly Peppers - Habanero v Habanero
Stanky Monkeys v BAD NEWS BOSH
Geno 911 v Pork Chop Express
The King's Crusaders v Bo$$town Cutter
Ouch! My Hamstringy! v Team BG


Game of the week: The Old Ball Sack v Tequila Party Gnomes
A 2nd revenge game for Mike Y after the hotel room incident. He already dispatched Meech with ease. On an L3 I expect him to do the same.

We'll have 1 more week of power rankings after Week 9. After Week 10 we'll switch to the playoff view. Good luck!
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Tuesday, October 8, 2019

5 weeks in the books


It's gonna be a short one this week. High Holidays and all.

I'm not sure if this guy is dead



 But he's dead.

Someone, for the love of God, take me to this place:


I need to be at the Phog with Snoop, followed by extracting Claws with a Claw.

Beef of the Week: Russell Wilson Talk

This is more a beef about what's NOT happening. Over his past 17 regular season games, Russell Wilson has 40 TD and 4 INT. Dude just gets completely ignored as one of the best because he's not as flashy as Mahomes or Watson. But he's a beast. Wonder if anyone will ever notice.


Power Rankings
The league is super top heavy right now, which means everyone is still in it. There's 1.5 games separating 6th from last.

 14. Street Pigeons (1-4) - Last week: 14
Back in the loss column. Last in points. Well deserved spot in the cellar. Mess with the bull and you get the horns.

13. Geno 911 (1-4) - Last week: 9
As expected, continues to take Ls. Better weeks are ahead.

12. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-2) - Last week: 11
I don't know how TPG does it, but now over .500 despite being 2nd to last in points. This team should hit full mast down the stretch.

11. Bo$$town Cutter (2-3) - Last week: 13
Plowed me. Nothing else to say. Had an unstoppable week.

10. Team BG (1-4) - Last week: 8
Boyd finally woke up, but what an absolutely brutal loss. Negative points from Baker. You win that game 9 times out of 10, at least.

9. Stanky Monkeys (1-4) - Last week: 6
Really struggling after showing some signs of life. Needs to pick things up pretty quickly.

8. Dueling Pylons (2-2-1) - Last week: 2
This team is straight trash. Hasn't scored a TD in 3 weeks.

7. The King's Crusaders (2-3) - Last week: 12
Just needed a bit of a kick in the pants. Responded well. Matt Ryan still stinks.

6. BAD NEWS BOSH (4-1) - Last week: 10
Haven't seen anything to indicate this team is better than I thought previously. To nobody's surprise, complained profusely about a kicker.

5. Pork Chop Express (2-2-1) - Last week: 5
Not sure how we ended up here. I don't necessarily think you have the 5th best team. Lot of congestion in the middle.

4. Philly Peppers (2-3) - Last week: 3
Still putting up points. Mahomes scoring 21 feels like a huge letdown. Talent is still there.

3. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (4-1) - Last week: 7
Playing well. Putting up points. I like what I've seen the last couple weeks. Again, I'm not such a bad guy.

2. Tweeting in the Trenches (4-1) - Last week: 4
Aaron Jones 48 points?!?!? Come ahn!! That Ekeler well is going to dry up quickly, so it'll be interesting to see what happens here.

1. The Old Ball Sack (5-0) - Last week: 1
Tried to jinx this guy by ranking him #1. Instead put up 190. The league has two "men" to thank for this assault on the league. Don't ever mess with the fantasy gods.


Week 6 Matchups
Street Pigeons v Dueling Pylons
Philly Peppers v Geno 911
Bo$$town Cutter v Team BG
Stanky Monkeys v Tweeting in the Trenches
The Old Ball Sack v Pork Chop Express
The King's Crusaders v Tequila Party Gnomes

EFFL Game of the Week
BAD NEWS BOSH v Ouch! My Hamstringy! - I fully expect this matchup to play out with both gentleman covered in wing sauce, dollar bills, and diseases.  I'd bet neither team breaks 100.
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Tuesday, October 1, 2019

One Month In



3-0 Bills v 3-0 Patriots. A tale as old as time.



 I don't know what you thought would happen, but it would never be the Bills winning. Here's some classic highlights from the Bills Mafia.



 I hate the Falcons. HATE, the Falcons. Meech is banned from picking them ever again. Can't happen, folks. Also, shout out to all the people that went down in their survivor pool on Colts and Rams. Deuces.

What else happened? The Dolphins are still horrendous. The Vikings still haven't thrown the ball this season (YOU LIKE THAT?!?). Leonardo Fournetti, everyone's a favorite sauce guy, popped off for 225 yards. Bucs/Rams had 95 points.

Club Dub also was lit:



 One of my biggest regrets was not doing the special Jewish DFS lineup on Sunday. It was the Jewish new year, and a lineup featuring Josh Rosen, Julian Edelman, and Tarik Cohen would've won me millions. Don't let me forget next year to get this right.

Dolphins dancers are back.

View this post on Instagram
A post shared by hiim6 🌙 (@baldfuckingbarbie) on


If I do not see Meech on a pole outside Hard Rock Stadium with Dreams and Nightmares blaring in the background, he will be eating a habanero again next season.


Beef of the Week: Headhunters

I've had a chance to cool down a bit. Sunday featured some absolutely vicious helmet to helmet blows. Burfict was suspended for the season. There was obviously outrage because other hits didn't lead to similar punishment. But that's not the point.

"Football is a violent game!" Of course it is. You have massive human beings running full speed into each other. That doesn't feel good. People get hurt all the time.

People also have lives outside of football. Helmet to helmet hits are penalties for a reason. That stuff has no place in the game. You're taught not to use your helmet to hit for a reason.. it can go bad for both parties. If it makes the game safer to not use your helmet, just do it. If you need your head to tackle, you suck at football. I've seen enough. They need the targeting rule like in college. Nobody is going to learn unless it costs them money... a lot of money.


Power Rankings
Every team is within 1 game of a playoff spot. Things remain wide open.

14. Street Pigeons (1-3) - Last week: 14
Alright! Finally in the win column despite a less than stellar performance. Can't complain about allowing 80 points. I appreciate your love for guys with II in their surname.

13. Bo$$town Cutter (1-3) - Last week: 11
Likewise got into the win column. Must feel good. It was a nail biter and Michael Thomas came through for you. I still remain optimistic, but would like to see you put up some points.

12. The King's Crusaders (1-3) - Last week: 7
Not sure what's going on here. Way too much inconsistency. I'm expecting more going forward, but questions must be asked at this point! Is this team going to be OK with Jordan Howard as its best player?

11. Tequila Party Gnomes (2-2) - Last week: 13
Last Tuesday I wrote "maybe Melvin Gordon will show up to work one of these days". The next day, he arrived. You're welcome. Still hanging in there despite getting a shitty draw yet again. Hopefully Leonardo's hamstringy doesn't feel like a bit of fettuccine. Delivered in the EFFL game of the week. Love to see it.

10. BAD NEWS BOSH (3-1) - Last week: 10
Your team may be better than this ranking, but your complaining knocks you down at least a spot or two, maybe more. We'll never know. I'm blocking your number.

9. Geno 911 (1-3) - Last week: 8
This team is all over the place. I don't know what to make of it. I feel like this team should be better, but the results haven't been there. There's a 70 point Ertz/Kamara week coming. Hopefully it's not when we play.

8. Team BG (1-3) - Last week: 4
It's been a precipitous fall. Things have not gone well over the past two weeks. The Damien Williams injury has been a pretty big blow. Hopkins and Boyd should turn it around, and I still expect you to ultimately get into the playoffs.

7. Ouch! My Hamstringy! (3-1) - Last week: 12
People say I'm terrible to trade with, but look what I did.

6. Stanky Monkeys (1-3) - Last week: 9
This team has performed much, much better. Tough loss this week. Wentz/Dalvin/Evans has been an awesome trio thus far. If some of the bench/secondary guys get going, could definitely be one of the better teams in the league.

5. Pork Chop Express (2-1-1) - Last week: 6
From last week's blog: "I'm sure you'll win this week. Every time I move you down, you win." I just know that's how it works. I wish you used Royce Freeman. That Chubb 88 Yard TD gave you the win. It was the best run I've ever seen.

4. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-1) - Last week: 2
Not a bad showing. Maybe jumped the gun a bit. Melvin Gordon coming back is going to hurt a lot. That's one of the main reasons for the drop. I still think you're OK, but it's going to be harder.

3. Philly Peppers (2-2) - Last week: 5
That Patriots defense has been lethal. Outscoring Mahomes! Think you'll be OK. Especially if Adams is now back. He had a rough first couple of weeks.

2. Dueling Pylons (2-1-1) - Last week: 1
#1 jinx is a real thing. Did it to myself! Good news is that this extreme outlier was on a week when 155 points wouldn't have been enough. Makes it easy to get over this fluke loss. Maybe shouldn't have traded Godwin.

1. The Old Ball Sack (4-0) - Last week: 3
109 points! Stupendous. You're 4-0. I can't justify keeping you down much longer. Let's see how long this run at the top lasts.


Week 5 Matchups

 Dueling Pylons v Bo$$town Cutter - perfect matchup during the High Holidays
Ouch! My Hamstringy! v Geno 911
The King's Crusaders v Stanky Monkeys
Team BG v BAD NEWS BOSH
Tequila Party Gnomes v Pork Chop Express
Philly Peppers v Tweeting in the Trenches

EFFL Game of the Week
Street Pigeons v The Old Ball Sack - This is a revenge game for AC. Mike Y gets a chance to avenge his slap in the face and actually sleep in a bed on Sunday night. I expect his best perfromance.
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