Week 11 Disaster

I think we can all just agree that life is better when the Browns are losing. Just as a note of how bad the Browns can be, the Texans ran the ball 54 times on Sunday. 54! And Arian Foster wasn't even playing! Remember when I said blogging sucks after a loss... well this fucking sucks. I have less than 0 desire to blog this week. Heading into the Monday night game a total of 3 teams had cracked 100 points. The only consolation that my team sucked is that many others did as well, just not as bad.

Minor comment, but NBC producers missed a tremendous opportunity Sunday night during the Pats-Colts game to drown out Al Michaels and Collinsworth by blasting Weezer's flannel anthem "My Name is Jonas" every single time Jonas Gray touched the ball. He was not on an EFFL roster and had the most points of any player in Week 11 and finished just 1 yard shy of 200. Damn impressive.

From good players to terrible players... Here's a string of numbers: 11, 1, 30, 6, 8, -2, 10, 6. I know what you're thinking... Cro, that's a Fibonacci sequence! It's actually not. I'm sorry. That's a string of Maurice Jones-Drew's rushing yards by game in 2014. He's run for a total of 70 yards on the season. That's sad, man. Should've hung em up before it got this bad.

Week 11 sucked. You know how many teams out of 26 scored more than 20 points: 9. That's terrible. For as terrible a day as it was for fantasy football everywhere, and the Eagles, there was plenty of excitement. I'd be foolish if I wasted any more time not mentioning Emmanuel Sanders taking one of the biggest hits I've ever seen. I don't know if there's a proper adjective to describe it, but here are a few: pulverized, eviscerated, obliterated, and as Arnold Schwarzenegger would describe it: Erased.

Embedding a YouTube video would not do it justice. Here's the link in HD:

http://www.nfl.com/gamecenter/2014111607/2014/REG11/broncos@rams#menu=gameinfo%7CcontentId%3A0ap3000000428928&tab=recap

This showed up on Wikipedia after the hit:

Dude was 100% erased. To make matters worse, after he's down, the referee just throws his hat on him! Used his hat as a white flag. He's perished. There's nothing more we can do for him. Erased. I've seen it about a dozen times already, and I still can't watch it without yelling OHHHH! out loud. Unreal hit.

This isn't NFL, but this is some classy shit right here! Minnesota assistant coach eats ice cream bar during blizzard hahahaha. Oh man, people are great when you don't have to be around them.

I usually like to be original, but this comment from Barstool was just too damn funny. Here's the video:

Here's the caption: BEAST MODE. That chick on the ground had to be thinking to herself…“I didn’t sign up for this shit. Thought it was gonna be a fun little game and then we’d drink some cosmos after and gossip about boys. Didn’t expect to get my pussy rocked playing free safety.”

Additional comments: "Can she play quarterback? Asking as a Jets fan". "Def does anal." That's some funny shit right there.

More non-NFL related funny. This week out of New York, where "Man smacks the soul out of a girl on the NY subway" The 8-ball never lies. My favorite part is the Steve Madden discussion. Nothing wrong with them, but the bragging like it's high class is hilarious. That's like me, Cro, bragging that I wear Express tees, not because they look good, but because of the quality. You see this tee?!?!? 2 for $30, son! Get off me! Can't touch my shit!

Back to the NFL. I'm still appalled at what happened on Sunday, and I need these things to try and forget. Unfortunately, I must return to complete the blog at some point.

But first, if you missed this, I feel bad for you:

Beef of the Week: NFL RedZone Stats

This is a really a 2-part beef. First of all, why do they insist on sorting fantasy players by some stupid scoring system that nobody uses? 0 PPR with Fractional points. Nobody plays in a league like that, do they? It's very frustrating. When the NFL figures out a way to let you customize the scoring on your set with your fantasy players like DirecTV has, it will be a huge step in the right direction.

The second part of the beef is not with the ticker, but with the stats. Hanson comes in, THIS JUST HAPPENED AT THE MEADOWLANDS. Obviously it's an Eli pick. But then, underneath the score that pops up it shows "Eli Manning 4 INTs". Which is probably right, but then Hanson comes on and INSISTS that he only has 3 picks. Somebody cannot be right. And the numbers seemingly should be coming from the same source. Why can't they just get it sorted out and feed the same info? This should be simple. Instead, it's infuriating.

If you want to see GIFs of all 5 Eli picks, here you go: http://www.brobible.com/sports/article/five-interceptions-eli-maninng-threw-today/

**** LEAGUE NEWS AND NOTES ****

- Keep in mind that anyone who is added to your roster from this point forward is not eligible to be kept in 2015.

- Please be aware that after the regular season ends, teams that are eliminated from the playoffs cannot make transactions. PLEASE DO NOT SCREW UP THE WAIVER PROCESS.

- And lastly, again, players cannot be added to your roster after 1 PM Sunday. League rule 3E, per the EFFL Rulebook, which has been distributed and can be viewed from the top of the blog. I'm sorry Team Toliver. If we want to revisit this rule in 2015, we can vote on it. That's fine. But as it stands, that is the rule. I feel like an ass for having to enforce rules. I'm sorry.

Playoff Standings

*1. DA BEARDS (9-2) - By virtue of the ridiculous Marshawn Monday night effort, you own the tiebreaker over Pork Chop. As a result, you have officially clinched the #1 seed and a first round bye. D-Weeze is currently on cruise control. Now Mike Evans is emerging. Rodgers is playing on another level. He's got 5 straight games with 26+ points. He's got 28 TDs versus 3 INTs. Laughing at Nick Foles' 2013 season. He's already had 7 games with 3+ TDs and 0 picks. I'm a little concerned that your guys will hit the rookie wall, but overall I definitely think your team has stepped it up.

2. Pork Chop Express (7-4) - Despite the loss, on the verge of the playoffs. Can certainly still get in at 7-6, but one win will officially lock it up. Won't get into tiebreak procedures yet, but still looking fine. Andrew Luck v. Jaguars next Sunday is pretty scary. I can't believe you started Cordarrelle, though lol. You deserved to lose, just as I did, for starting Vikings against a Bears defense that allowed over 50 points 2 weeks in a row. Trends mean nothing. You have a huge wild card in Josh Gordon, however. I think you're looking good heading into Week 12.

3. A Lot O'Tatz (6-4-1) - While I said 8 wins is the magic number, 7.5 will do just fine. Just need one more win to punch your playoff ticket, but your team looked awful human in Week 12. To make matters worse, Julius got hurt. I think there are not going to many more weeks where your entire team just does not show up. Good to get these weeks out of the way now. Get Fusco and Mike Y in the final two weeks. I don't know if 6-6-1 will be good enough, so go get that win.

4. Team Bartholomew (6-4-1) - As you indicated to me, your team finally showed up. That's good. The bad news is that Mike Evans bent you over. I think the tide is starting to turn for you, which is a good sign heading into the playoffs. Like EEB, just one win will do it. And since Dosh already has the bye, at this point you're just jockeying for seeding. But AJ is back. Cobb is on fire with Rodgers. And DeMarco is rested up for the stretch run. I still like your team a lot. Don't panic.

5. Stanky Monkeys (6-5) - Got a big win over A Lot O'Tatz. With a number of teams hot on your heels, it was important to get that one in the bag. Could potentially lock up a playoff spot in Week 12 depending on other results. But you control your own destiny. 8 is currently the number, so two wins and you're definitely in. Despite losing to Cutter, he hasn't beaten Fusco, so points scored is the tiebreaker, which you own. My concerns remain, however. Jordy and Forte continue to carry your squad, but there must be contributions from other areas.

6. Bo$$town Cutter (6-5) - Arguably one of the biggest victories in Week 11. Finally your Lacy/Alshon vision came to fruition. But the Sanders injury is concerning. Had you lost in Week 11, the injury might hurt a little more. 2 big matchups with Tatz and Fusco in the final two weeks. You may end up knocking somebody out of the playoffs. Or it could be you. I think Tatz could pose problems, but you have a better team than Chris. If Peterson comes back, you've gotta be considered a favorite.

7. Tweeting in the Trenches (6-5) - Just need to be less terrible than your opponent. That happened in Week 11. With both Julius and Sanders banged up, it could be the Demaryius show for the next couple of weeks. That's exactly what you need, because there's very little production elsewhere. Surely OBJ thinks he's killing it despite the Giants losing. Real team player. EEB and Cutty in the final two weeks is pretty tough, so it was real important to get that win in Week 11. As with the other 6-5 teams, 2 wins and in. 1 and we'll see.

8. The King's Crusaders (5-6) - Since nobody at 5-6 owns head-to-head tiebreakers, we go to points. Clearly with the most points among the 5-6 teams. With the Pylons and Jays in the final two weeks, this team must feel that they have what it takes to make it to the playoffs. The Week 12 matchup in particular is absolutely massive. The loser of King-Pylons will go to 5-7. 6 wins probably won't be enough to get in. Nothing really new to say about your team. Up there in points. Still very dangerous I think. The Steelers bye, however, couldn't come at a worse time.

9. Dueling Pylons (5-6) - The Pylons own the head-to-head tiebreaker over Gambino and Mike Y, so as a result, this team occupies the 9th spot. But the Pylons are fading quickly. 2 critical losses in back-to-back weeks were bad enough. Gronk is the only guy holding this team together. The Pylons can't stop making bad lineup decisions. Last two against King and Pork Chop is pretty scary. Likely needs both of those to get in. More bad news is that the Pylons have not beaten a single team in playoff position, so could be up against it in tiebreakers. All 5 wins are against teams ranked 10-14.

10. Geno 911 (5-6) - Owns tiebreaker over Jay Gruden, so occupies the 10th spot. As usual, I continue to think you have a terrible team and will not make the playoffs. But you got the win you needed. Has TPG and Stanky Monkeys in the final two, so 7-6 is doable. But as is the case with the Pylons, not in a great position from a tiebreak perspective. It's amazing a team can start Jonathan Stewart and Jerricho Cotchery and still win. Amazing.

11. Big Brother's Bitch (5-6) - Also got caught up in Vikings hysteria, but took it on the chin even worse. Started Kyle Rudolph and Greggy Jennings who combined for a total of 1 point. Add to that Pierre Garcon's 1 point, and you had no shot. CJ Anderson does look nice though, which is encouraging. Rough final two weeks, so it's not looking all that great. Also have not beat anyone you'd be likely to end up in a tie with. Most likely needs 2 wins to get in, and the team isn't playing well.

12. The Smokin' Jays (4-7) - Got the win you needed to survive. As I indicated with other teams, I don't think 6-7 will ultimately be enough, but you're still mathematically alive. But something more important happened with your victory over TPG. You officially removed yourself from costume contention. You own tiebreakers over both TPG and Team Toliver. As a result, you mathematically cannot finish behind Toliver. So you've avoided the costume. More to come.

13. Tequila Party Gnomes (4-7) - Man, I didn't see this coming. This team has been absolutely ravaged by RB injuries. Spiller, Gio and Foster looked like an unbelievable trio. Not a single one played in Week 11. But the loss to the Jays carries some significance. At this point, only two teams are costume-eligible. TPG and Toliver. Since he owns the tiebreaker over you, there's only one remaining scenario. If you lose two and he wins two, you're in the costume. Any other result sees Yashar as Brigma. Also still alive for the playoffs, but not looking good.

x - 14. Team Toliver (2-9) - With the 9th loss of the season comes the end of the road. Team Toliver will not be in the EFFL Playoffs this season. Never recovered from ravaging injuries and didn't discover any gems on the waiver wire. That is not a recipe for success. As indicated above, you need two wins and two TPG losses to avoid the costume. That's all that can save you at this point.

Week 12 Matchups

I fully expect a few more teams to lock up a playoff spot and few more to be eliminated in Week 12. Only 1.5 games separate 3rd from 11th. Here's what's on the slate.

#1 DA BEARDS (9-2) v. #12 The Smokin' Jays (4-7)

#2 Pork Chop Express (7-4) v. #14 Team Toliver (2-9)

#3 A Lot O'Tatz (6-4-1) v. #7 Tweeting in the Trenches (6-5)

#4 Team Bartholomew (6-4-1) v. #6 Bo$$town Cutter (6-5)

#5 Stanky Monkeys (6-5) v. #11 Big Brother's Bitch (5-6)

#8 The King's Crusaders (5-6) v. #9 Dueling Pylons (5-6)

#10 Geno 911 (5-6) v. #13 Tequila Party Gnomes (4-7)

Good luck to everyone in Week 12. It's getting awful close to the end.

We Go 0 to 100.. Real Quick

Pictured: TPG after finding out he's lost to bottom-feeder Team Toliver.

And obviously, this needs to be posted here:

@massot15 eat a dick
— Cole Beasley (@Bease11) November 9, 2014

For as unpredictable as the NFL is, Sunday's games went remarkably as planned. That's pretty much the truth except for the Steelers-Jets game. I don't think you can look at a single other game and think to yourself "I didn't see that coming." That includes the Bears getting absolutely pounded yet again, which makes me laugh. If there's anything I've expressed over the years, it's my distaste for Jay Cutler. Guy is so full of himself with no justifiable reason. He hasn't won shit. I hope he continues to lose.

Mike Tirico makes jokes like "go figure this league." So, out of 10 games there was 1 upset. What a league!

Yet as much beef as I constantly have, there are things that I think set the NFL apart. One of those things is the post-Monday night game discussion on the field between Steve Young, Trent Dilfer, murderer Ray Lewis and some token host. It's real. It reminds you of a conversation you'd have with your boys about football. It's not biased. It's not based on fantasy football. I'd love to see a bunch of former players on the field talking about the game after every game.

Why is the Joker playing Grab-Ass with Jimmy Graham? I can't for the life of me figure it out:

I also need to take some time to acknowledge the absolutely ridiculous season DeMarco Murray is having. It's only week 10 and he has a 400 yard lead on the guy in 2nd place for rushing yards, Arian Foster. He's having truly one of the great rushing seasons in NFL history, and even if you hate the Cowboys, you have to appreciate what he's doing. There are exactly 5 other running backs with half of the yards he has. He also has run the ball 77 more times than the guy in 2nd, but still.

In the process of acknowledging achievements, I also want to make a note of something you've probably already forgotten by now. Andy Dalton had arguably one of the worst QB games in NFL history on Thursday. Never before in the history of the league has a QB had 33+ pass attempts, a completion percentage less than 31% and yards passing less than 90. It's never happened... until Andy Dalton did it. Unbelievably bad. It ruins football.

Here's an Andy Reid lookalike:

In high school, some fat kid, whose name escapes me, did the exact same thing when Andy was head coach of the Eagles. It was the best costume I've ever seen. 10 years later, it's no less funny. People need to do this all the time.

Side beef: Why do the college football playoff rankings come out on a Tuesday when teams play on Saturday? Is it that difficult to list an undefeated Florida State and Mississippi State team as the top two? Come ahn.

Beef of the Week: Coaches who do not coach

You may be thinking "how can this be a beef?" During the Eagles game, Sanchize threw a pass that brought two receivers inadvertently together. When he came over to the sideline, Chip grabbed him, explained what he saw, explained what Sanchez should have seen, and he hopefully learned something. That's coaching. When Eli throws a pick, you get the garbage you see at the top of the screen. That's a Hall of Fame coach doing absolutely no coaching and just throwing a temper tantrum. I wouldn't be surprised if these things are the reasons coaches get fired. You shouldn't be free from coaching because you developed a game plan during the week. Chip continued to coach Sanchize even in the 4th quarter. Guys love that. He'll be successful in the NFL forever because of it.


*** LEAGUE NEWS AND NOTES ***

- As indicated last week, please be aware that anyone added after this week is not eligible to be kept.

- Also, please be aware that if you do not make the playoffs, you are not permitted to add players after Week 13. Subsequently, when you are eliminated from the playoffs, you are not allowed to make any moves.


Playoff Bracket

It's remarkable. Right now, 8 teams are either 5-5 or 4-6. Not a single head-to-head tiebreak comes into play. Remarkable yet again.

x - 1. DA BEARDS (8-2): Officially clinched a playoff spot. The 5-5 teams play each other too much. 8 wins is the current magic number to qualify for the playoffs. I talked too much shit. Rodgers and Marshawn unloaded for a combined 10 TDs. 10! You can't change your team name after every game. The fact is that this was only the 2nd time all season that you've broken 120. You were 2nd to last in points scored entering the week. While a playoff spot is all but clinched, I think you still have a ways to go before you're considered a top contender. 1 more win or a combination of other team losses locks up a playoff spot.

2. Pork Chop Express (7-3): Speaking of things you didn't see coming, Dosh and Ben as 1-2 after 10 weeks is certainly at the top of the list. My tone has not changed. It's Luck and Dez, with Ingram now emerging. There's no contribution from other players, but that may be enough. Those 3 could legitimately lead this team to a championship. I still think the potential for inconsistency is there, but Dez is absolutely unstoppable. Facing the King in Week 11 in a must win for him is probably going to be tough, but should still be in no danger of missing the playoffs. Win and in.

3. A Lot O'Tatz (6-3-1): The league's hottest team continues to roll. I pegged EEB as the team to beat this week and he told me to shut my mouth. But it's true. Consistently putting up tons of points with no end in sight. It may be a stretch at this point to get a bye. The only downside is it just presents an extra opportunity to get upset... possibly by a clown team like the Pylons. A win against Stanky Monkeys would almost certainly lock up a playoff spot.

4. Team Bartholomew (6-3-1): Did not see this drop coming. This team has a big problem. And that problem is at the QB position. Cam Newton absolutely stinks. As of right now, in the past 3.5 games, Newton has 2 TDs and 6 picks. AJ Green will get it together, and you still have the best player in the league, but I'm starting to wonder if it might be time to bench Newton for Hoyer. I still think you're fine for the playoffs, but I no longer think you're in contention for the bye. A lot of eggs in the Carolina basket, but, like EEB, really should need just one more win to officially get in.

5. Stanky Monkeys (5-5): Lost, yet still moved up in the playoff rankings. As a result of a 5 way tie, head-to-head is not applicable. Highest points among those 5, so winds up in 5th place. EEB, Mike Y and Gambino in the final 3. Winning 2 of 3 will probably get you in. Plus knocking out Nick is a lot of fun. I still like your team and expect you to get in. I also would love to see you knock off each of the 3 aforementioned teams.

6. Big Brother's Bitch (5-5): Despite having lost to both the Pylons and TITTY, the fact that nobody remaining still owns a tiebreaker over all others brings you all the way up into 6th. Of course, you play Cutty in Week 11 in what could almost be an elimination game. If you lose, you're in rough shape, as one of Pylons-TITTY must get at least a tie. You don't own head-to-head tiebreakers against any teams around you, so I think you'll have to win your way in. I could be wrong.

7. Bo$$town Cutter (5-5): If Tirico wants to blow his load on an unpredictable league, let's direct him to the EFFL. I thought for sure you'd have it out for Sam Woody. But it wasn't meant to be. The Ronnie Hillman well ran dry, and as such, so did your team. The real wild card could be Peterson, however. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit bitter, but so be it. I don't know how you say to a guy "sure you beat your child's nut sack with a tree branch, leaving a 4 year old bloodied and bruised for weeks... But you can come back to work in 8 weeks". Get out of here.

8. Dueling Pylons (5-5): As indicated above, thought DA BEARDS would be a pushover. When two players drop 10 TDs on you, you have absolutely no shot. Pylons have a massive, massive game in Week 11 against TITTY in a rematch of last year's championship game. It's been a long time coming, and this is a must win for both teams. With the King and PCE in the final two weeks, the Pylons need to make moves quickly. What a huge matchup this week.

9. Tweeting in the Trenches (5-5): Believe it or not, if this were week 13, Sproles Monday night performance would be the determining factor between Pylons and TITTY. Got a huge win against Tatz and now right back in the thick of the playoff hunt. The two-time defending champ needed to stay alive, and did just that. Pylons, EEB, Cutty in the final 3 weeks. Win all 3 and you're in. Win 2 and it still may be good enough. You have no idea how bad I want to win this game after the past 2 years.

10. The King's Crusaders (4-6): Nobody owns a tiebreaker among the 4-6 teams, so it goes to points scored. Only a game out of 5th place, so there's nothing to really be upset about. Final 3 of PCE, Pylons and Jays probably inspires no fear. This team has never missed the playoffs in the history of the EFFL, and if it happens this year, it arguably will be undeserved. This is one of the best rosters in the league, but can't get its defense to perform.

11. Geno 911 (4-6): I don't think you're really surprised you're in this position, but the tiebreaker over TPG is important right now. Your team is doo-doo. Even with arguably the waiver wire pickup of the year in Forsett, it doesn't matter. The matchup with Yashar in Week 11 is probably your season. You're low in points and don't have tiebreakers against many teams. If you can't beat him, you probably have too tough a road to climb. It's an outside shot, but if you do lose next week, Yashar will have the tiebreaker over you. That means that he just needs to make up 1 game in the final 2 to have you in the costume.

12. Tequila Party Gnomes (4-6): Lost against league bottom-feeder Team Toliver, but like Stanky, still moved up. Owns head-to-head tiebreaker over King. I'm sure he's showing you no sympathy as he's had to deal with his share of injuries all year. After healing a 2010 wound of "81 IN BLUE. TOP OF YOUR SCREEN", Tron was bound to come back and lead his team to victory. The good news is that the teams right at the cut line all had a miserable Week 10, so things are still up in the air. You get all 3 of your RBs back, which should pay major dividends.

13. The Smokin' Jays (3-7): All of the sudden, this team is hot! Larry Fitz is back from the dead. It's still an uphill battle, but it's only two games to the last playoff team. I still look at this roster and think "no way", but you never know. Arizona defense looks real nice. And a critical game against a TPG team also fighting for a playoff spot. I think you need to get to 6-7 to have a shot to get in, but I think you've sealed Yashar's fate in the costume.

14. Team Toliver (2-8): Not officially out of it yet! Got the must win against TPG to stay alive. It's crazy how much the Tron injury hurt you. And the Woodhead injury. Anquan has quietly had a great season, which is encouraging as he's keeper eligible. But the team is playing well, which is a good sign. Even if it doesn't work out this season, having Boldin and Hopkins as keepers is pretty solid. I'd love to see you knock off Gambino in Week 11. Must win to stay alive again.


Week 11 Matchups

There are so many great matchups in week 11. It's amazing the schedule maker saw this coming. Bunch of games right at the cut line. Through 10 weeks, only 1 team has had their fate decided. That's pretty remarkable.

#1 DA BEARDS (8-2) v. #4 Team Bartholomew (6-3-1)
#2 Pork Chop Express (7-3) v. #10 The King's Crusaders (4-6)
#3 A Lot O'Tatz (6-3-1) v. #5 Stanky Monkeys (5-5)
#6 Big Brother's Bitch (5-5) v. #7 Bo$$town Cutter (5-5)
#8 Dueling Pylons (5-5) v. #9 Tweeting in the Trenches (5-5)
#11 Geno 911 (4-6) v. #14 Team Toliver (2-8)
#12 Tequila Party Gnomes (4-6) v. #13 The Smokin' Jays (3-7)

Good luck to everyone in Week 11. It's going to be intense.

Get At Me Dog

You'll have to forgive me for the delay in the blog. No fewer than 3 games came down to the final seconds of the Monday night game. All of them had a huge impact on the standings given all of the tiebreaker scenarios. Poor TPG had his boy drop the game winning pass and he lost by 1. Again. EEB came all the way back to tie it and couldn't break through. Lobitz squeaked out a 1 point victory AGAIN on Monday night.

Sunday was the worst day of football I've seen in a long time. Just absolute garbage. Kinda like country music, aka "stupid music for stupid people." How do I know it was bad? Let's take a look at a few games:

Dolphins-Chargers: 0 combined points in 4th quarter
Chiefs-Jets: 0 combined points in 4th quarter
Rams-49ers: 3 combined points in 4th quarter
Browns-Bucs: 6 combined points in 4th quarter
Broncos-Patriots: 6 combined points in 4th quarter

With 6 teams on a bye, a Thursday night game, a Sunday night game, and a Monday night game, that means there were only 10 games at 1 or 4 on Sunday. Of those 10, 5 had 6 points or fewer in the 4th quarter. As I said... garbage.

There weren't even any good GIFs from this week's slate. The only good thing I've seen is the Gus Malzahn "U Can't Touch This" dance seen here:

In case you were wondering, yes. There exists a video of 5 year old Cro dancing to the same Hammer classic with fake background. It's on VHS. And perhaps that will make an appearance should the Pylons win the 2014 EFFL title.

Here's the ridiculous Gronk catch:

Obviously the play of the day here #loljets



And of course this gem:

I'm so glad someone else saw this and GIF'd it:

There's far more to discuss related to the EFFL, but first:

Beef of the Week: Statistical Analysis

WHOA! HOLD UP! Yes, I may do statistical analysis on a daily basis for money, but TV networks and the internet seem to do nothing more than confuse you nowadays. Everyone has a conflicting opinion. Yes, there are different ways to interpret the data. But I'm sick of these stupid fucking team rankings that make no sense.

"Kansas City is #5 in the NFL against the run". WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!?!? Are they 5th in total yards allowed? 5th in yards per carry? 5th in yards per game? 5th in rushing TDs allowed? There's no context whatsoever. I'm trying to decide on a running back and every site puts out different information to prove their point. Oh, don't start this guy because he's playing against the #5 run defense. That's horseshit! There's no such thing! You absolutely must have context, and more often than not it just does not happen. Get a true analyst on there (not Nate Silver) and give yourself some damn value.




*** LEAGUE NEWS AND NOTES ***

- The trade deadline is Thursday at noon. November 6th. That's it. Unless an overwhelming majority of you want me to push it back to next week. But no more than that.

- After Sunday, November 16th at 1 PM (week 11), any player added to a roster cannot be kept in 2015. 

- Please make sure you are versed in league tiebreakers, which are sure to come into play. Quick rundown: If one team owns head-to-head over all other tied teams, rank that team first. If tie not broken, use points scored. If exactly two teams are tied on points, use head-to-head between those two (if 3 tied on points, rocks-paper-scissors tournament). If still tied, coin flip. Revert to tiebreaker #1.


And finally, the long awaited EFFL Playoff Preview. Remember, only the top seed gets a bye. 7 teams make the playoffs.

1. DA BEARDS (7-2): In sole possession of first place despite being 2nd to last in points scored. Yes, that's right. I said it. Dosh has scored even fewer points than Sam. This team has taken over the title from Nick as luckiest in the league. Still looking great for the playoffs but must get it together quickly. But last two games are against teams 13 and 14, so at this point certainly leaning towards in rather than out.

2. Team Bartholomew (6-2-1): While a tie was not ideal, it certainly makes things easier on the commish when running the scenario generator. Heading into Monday, I honestly didn't expect you to pick up anything, so a tie is something at least. You have to be concerned with the Panthers performance and leaving Vereen on the bench proved costly. Still room for improvement, but 1.5 games up in the playoff race is far better than 1. Only fitting that Tatz would tie A Lot O'Tatz.

3. Pork Chop Express (6-3): If Andrew Luck isn't the NFL MVP, he's certainly the fantasy MVP. Luck hasn't had fewer than 20 points in a game, and has scored 27+ in 6 games already. It's a huge advantage. If Mark Ingram keeps it up, this team may not need secondary contributions. Went all in on Luck and it's paying off. Right now the only 6-3 team in the league, which is exciting. The more wins over the borderline playoff teams the better.

4. A Lot O'Tatz (5-3-1): Same boat as Tatz. Could've ended up empty handed, but a tie is always better than a loss. I had 2 last year, and they helped me get into the playoffs. I still think you don't have much to worry about. Remaining schedule doesn't appear too intimidating, and I think 2-2 should probably be enough. I think 7-5-1 gets in. Nice to see your team finally cool off and hear your Julius Thomas rants.

5. Bo$$town Cutter (5-4): I have to be honest here. I'm surprised you're 5-4. Not because you don't deserve it, just because after an 0-3 start I thought you'd be buried at the bottom. As Brady goes, so does your team. I'm sure you have no problem with that. Between him and your two Broncos, it's been an impressive 6 week stretch. I'm sorry for thinking you'd lose. A slip up next week against the Smokin' Jays would be unfortunate. Beat both other 5-4 teams so the current #5 seed.

6. Stanky Monkeys (5-4): Really nothing could be done. King is the hottest team in the league right now and it shows. A 38 point underdog, even that line wasn't enough. But it was to be expected. No Jordy, Forte, Matt Ryan, Fred Jackson. Things will get better much quickly, and you're still in a pretty good spot. It's going to be so sweet when you eliminate Nick in Week 13. Took out the Pylons so owns the head-to-head tiebreaker.

7. Dueling Pylons (5-4): Picked up a huge win against a competing playoff team in Mike Y despite a less than stellar performance. Finishes off against 4 teams that are also in the thick of the playoff race. If not for some terrible managing in Week 7, this team could be much hotter, but 3 of 4 is a step in the right direction. Right around the middle of the pack in the standings. Right around the middle of the pack statistically. This team needs to show some more consistency to get in.

8. The King's Crusaders (4-5): Probably thinking to yourself that it's about time, and it's hard to disagree. 340 points over the last two weeks is absolutely excessive, AND YOU CUT BIG BEN! He's scored 90 points in the last two weeks, which would have given you an even more ridiculous line. Right in the hunt for the playoffs and certainly now in play for the highest regular season points prize. Trending up in a major way. 5 way tie for 8th goes to highest points. Winner here.

9. Big Brother's Bitch (4-5): Came up short in a very important matchup and now must make up ground. I have no idea what is wrong with Pierre Garcon this year, but he's been a disaster. Through 9 games, only 62 targets is a pace of around 115. Last year he had 182. He even averaged more his last 2 years in Indy. Woody, Cutty, Lou and EEB to finish off the season. Most likely will either play their way in or out. Next week's game with Woody is gigantic. 2nd in points, so #9 it is.

10. Geno 911 (4-5): Are you feeling the heat yet? Talked all kinds of shit all week. "Why is it an upset if I beat Cutter?" "I can't believe that Alex Smith trade actually worked." Why would Cutter start Pats defense?" He still beat you! You're obviously not far out of a playoff spot at this point, but only 2 teams have a worse record in the standings at this point. These races are far too close. Barely ahead of Matt in points right now, so would be #10.

11. Tequila Party Gnomes (4-5): For the 2nd consecutive week, lost by 1 point on Monday night. I hate to even bring up Rivers, but it's unfathomable that the #4 QB can put up -2 points. He needed exactly 0 for TPG to win. Absolutely one of the more excruciating defeats I've seen to date. Losing to Dosh has to hurt twice as much. Plenty of time left, but missed opportunities sting. At least you're ahead of Chris.

12. Tweeting in the Trenches (4-5): Interesting that if TPG had won, you'd be all the way ahead of King, Big Brother and Geno, due to head-to-head, but not in a 5 way. Got over 40 points from the kicker and the defense and still didn't do much. What a finish down the stretch: Tatz, Pylons, EEB, Cutty. All teams that are playing very well. I think it's going to be tough for TITTY to get back into the playoffs with the remaining schedule and the uncertainty surrounding the team. We'll see.

13. The Smokin' Jays (2-7): Unloaded on poor Yashar with a performance you surely were hoping for all season. Of course it doesn't hurt when your QB puts up 40 points. It may still be too late to reach the playoffs, but you never know. Final 4 are all against teams in contention and may need to win all 4 to have a shot at getting in. I still think your team would be near the bottom of the power rankings and it's a long shot, but not dead yet.

14. Team Toliver (1-8): Put up their best performance since week 1 and it still wasn't enough. B.Berger was merciless. The loss all but sealed Team Toliver's playoff fate. I'm not under the impression at all that 5 wins will be enough to get into the playoffs. But at this point it's just a fight to stay out of the costume at the 2015 draft. To make matters worse, Sam now owns the tiebreaker, so will need to win at least 2 games in the last 4 to avoid it. Has Matt, Gambino, Lobitz and D-WEEZE to finish the year, so it's not over yet.


Week 10 Matchups

I say it every week that there are critically important matchups, but it's true. Here's what we have in Week 10.

#1 DA BEARDS (7-2) v. #7 Dueling Pylons (5-4)
#2 Team Bartholomew (6-2-1) v. #12 Tweeting in the Trenches (4-5)
#3 Pork Chop Express (6-3) v. #6 Stanky Monkeys (5-4)
#4 A Lot O'Tatz (5-3-1) v. #10 Geno 911 (4-5)
#5 Bo$$town Cutter (5-4) v. #13 The Smokin' Jays (2-7)
#8 The King's Crusaders (4-5) v. #9 Big Brother's Bitch (4-5)
#11 Tequila Party Gnomes (4-5) v. #14. Team Toliver (1-8)


The commish went 3-3-1 with Week 9 picks. As a result, I'm giving up. I will say though, that I expect at least 3 "lower seeds" to defeat higher seeds. The 4-5 teams could really use a win.

#selfie

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All About My Billz

Two Weezy references this week in the NFL. Sammy Watkins is a weekly Weezy reference. http://i.ytimg.com/vi/2bjawRpa45s/0.jpg. And on a completion to Dwayne Allen, the announcer identified him as "Dwayne Wayne".

I didn't even know where to start the blog this week. This is one of those weeks where reality sets in. It's time to admit your faults, cut your losses, and move on. This is true in both fantasy football and real football. Here are some typical examples.

- Rex Ryan is an idiot. Fire his ass and move on. He sucks so bad and always acts like everyone's against him.

- Derek Carr is not a franchise QB. Cut him and move on.

- Charlie Whitehurst has no business playing football. Cut him and move on.

- Michael Crabtree is a sorry ass receiver. Woody, please keep using him.

- I will no longer be using Reggie Bush.

- Kyle Orton has shaved all facial hair. Cut him and move on.


Most of all, the Browns came crashing back down to reality, getting absolutely embarrassed by the winless Jaguars. Browns fans appear to be the best in football at providing entertainment for the rest of us. I usually don't link to stories, but this one is just so funny and appropriate: http://deadspin.com/heres-an-unconscious-browns-fan-in-the-jacksonville-par-1648239796

Top comments:

- He's got a Frye jersey on and his team just lost to the Jaguars. This is the correct response to that situation.

- That is Charlie Frye.

This is a Browns fan. Now, for Jaguars fans:

This is actually happening in Jacksonville. Great idea or greatest idea ever? The 2015 EFFL Draft will be taking place at the pool in Everbank Field in Jacksonville. See you there.


******* LEAGUE NOTE **********

League members: Be aware that due to the NFL's ridiculous scheduling, the Lions and Falcons will play at 9:30 AM EASTERN SUNDAY . The 1 PM Add/Drop rule holds, but in case you need to make any lineup decisions with players on those teams, they must be made by 9:30. I guarantee many are not aware of this start time.

Who wasn't a fan of Chris Berman's nicknames back in the day before he went to the well one too many times? Natrone Means Business, Jon Kitna Kaboodle, and Eric "Sleeping With" Bienemy were some of his all time classics. If he was still doing this gag, I would hope he would take advantage of the low hanging fruit out there for arguably one of his greatest puns... namely Patriots receiver Brian "Don't Scuff My" Tyms.

And what the fuck is wrong with Joseph Randle? Guy needs to steal some undies and cologne? There's no chance that security camera is going to see you sneaking a tester bottle into your bag. And the funniest part of the whole Randle shoplifting thing is what the officers found in his bag. Ironically, the cologne he stole was Gucci Guilty. Had his plea written right on the bottle. I'm still waiting for a shoplifting crime funnier than crab legs. This was pretty good.

Mini-Beef: Al Michaels... The guy continues to pronounce players' names incorrectly. He can't (refuses to) say the word Manning correctly. He can't say Crabtree either. Look, I get it. You're from New Yawk. BUT YOU'RE INTENTIONALLY PRONOUNCING NAMES WRONG! How does his employer let him get away with it? You know how I know he's saying Manning wrong? Because the guy named Manning doesn't say it that way, Al. You're entitled to add an R to the end of every word. You're even entitled to say things like Bronco Defense and Bear Offense, even though that's clearly inaccurate. But why are you pronouncing players' names wrong? WHY?

I also do not care if I had the exact same beef last November.  He refuses to listen and it just validates the criticism.

I'm also not even going to go in on Sean Payton again because the guy just doesn't get it. 9 targets to Travaris Cadet on 20 snaps is perpetuating domestic violence.


Beef of the Week: The West Virginia Mountaineers

I'm taking my beef outside of the professional game this week. I think many of you know where this is going.

The date was December 1, 2007. TPG and the Pylons had traveled to wonderful, wild, West Virginia to see some shit. Temperatures were well below freezing. The moonshine was flowing and fried bologna was the dish of choice. The #2 Mountaineers at 10-1 were 28.5 point home favorites hosting the unranked Pitt Panthers. A win would send the Mountaineers to the national championship game. Blackouts would be encountered. Couches would be burned. People would be impregnated. It was supposed to be the party of the century.

But the football gods were not with us that day. As 5 EFFL members witnessed collectively in horror, LeSean McCoy rushed 38 times as Pitt defeated West Virginia 13-9, in one of the worst football games in history. The crowd of over 60,000 left the stadium in stunned silence (except for a sly snicker from TPG). The game was voted by ESPN as one of the 15 biggest collapses in college football history and sent shockwaves across the country.

7 years later, the Mountaineers took out #4 Baylor this past Saturday. It was their first win over a Top 5 team since the bowl game following that 2007 loss. Fans celebrated wildly. Tear gas was brought out. Couches were burned. THAT WAS MY FUCKING CELEBRATION!!! Now you can win?!?!? In a meaningless game? That was 7 years of frustration absolutely unleashed on the streets of Morgantown. I'm pissed. You can never go back.

Let's get to the fucking power rankings. Fuck.


14. The Smokin' Jays (0-7) (Last week: 14): I'm going to keep bringing this up until you win a game. 13 straight losses and counting, breaking the EFFL record held by Stanky Monkeys. It's now been a full calendar year since the last victory. That's Lions territory. Get a red hot Tatz in Week 8, so staring 0-8 in the face. The showdown with Yashar might be your only chance. DO NOT TRADE JAMAAL CHARLES TO YOUR BROTHER.

13. Team Toliver (1-6) (Last week: 13): Curiously started an inactive Calvin Johnson. Thought things might be different after a ridiculous game from Nick Fizzolk. Unfortunately the Niners look like doo doo, and as an extension, so does your team. Hope is fading quickly. At least you get Sam in week 9, but losing to Cutter was a huge blow. With the Niners on a bye in Week 8 and Pierre and Tron banged up, it might be tough to even field a team.

12. Tweeting in the Trenches (3-4) (Last week: 12): Should feel lucky to be at 3-4. Demaryius is on one of the more wild heaters we've seen in awhile. 107 fantasy points in the last 3 games is absolutely absurd. You actually made some nice pickups in Davante Adams and OBJ, so that will serve you well. Shows the importance of being active on the wire since Zac Stacy doesn't even play anymore. You've got a shot.

11. Dueling Pylons (3-4) (Last week: 10): Yet another frustrating week for the Pylons. The fucking owner can't get out of his own way. Terrible lineup decisions, as the bench dropped 112 points. With the optimal lineup, the Pylons could have maxed out at 141 points with the right lineup combo and gotten the win. Had arguably the worst start to the draft of any team, but rebounded nicely during the blackout phase of the draft. Will keep in mind for 2015.

10. Pork Chop Express (4-3) (Last week: 9): I still don't see it. Luck and Dez did their usual thing, and the rest of the roster did as well. Scrubs Keenan Allen and Bishop Sankey combined for 16 points. You might want to heed the advice at the top of the blog. This team should be getting some players back from injury at some point (probably when you play me), but right now I think this team needs to be cautious.

9. Geno 911 (4-3) (Last week: 6): Clearly was way too high in the rankings last week. This team of old guys put up a pathetic performance in Week 7, and there could be more where that came from. The real concern is that none of your starters other than broken Jimmy Graham have had their bye week yet. Weeks 10 and 11 are going to be pretty rough, so you might want to pick up the wins now. Thankfully the Pylons come to town in Week 8.

8. Bo$$town Cutter (3-4) (Last week: 11): Nice jump this week for the Billz. The real reason is not because of what happened, but what should happen. The Percy Harvin trade was huge for Doug Baldwin, and it looks like he could have a huge 2nd half. Ronnie Hillman is also looking pretty solid. Everybody has a Broncos combo. Getting Baldwin in for Frank Gore makes this team look more solid than it has in awhile.

7. DA BEARDS (6-1) (Last week: 6): The luck continues for D-Weeze. Nobody on your team really did anything, but still emerged victorious yet again. Having a lot of rookies can be a good thing, but one thing is certain: they're inconsistent. There will be some nice weeks, but on a week-to-week basis, you don't know what to expect. Thankfully for you, Rodgers is on fire right now, but Lynch is not getting it done. I think the King could come in and surprise next week.

6. Tequila Party Gnomes (4-3) (Last week: 7): Your team is better than Dosh's. Used 2 Bengals and they got shut out. That's unfortunate. Also lost CJ Spiller for the season to a broken collarbone. You'll no longer be tempted to start him, so it's a blessing in disguise. Sammy Watkins looks legit, tho. I remain concerned about your depth and lack of action on the waiver wire. But you have good starters. Good enough to contend, I think.

5. The King's Crusaders (2-5) (Last week: 4): Really tough loss for the King, and I think it's time to start recognizing that this team may not be who we thought they were. McCoy and Maclin were on a bye, yes, but that's no excuse. It wouldn't have mattered anyway. Every year there's one team that continues to take it on the chin on defense. That was already the 4th time you've allowed over 135 points. I'm sorry. It makes fantasy football not fun.

4. Stanky Monkeys (4-3) (Last week: 3): Really disappointing week from the Monkeys despite another monster Forte performance. As is the case with Pork Chop, your first two picks worked out great, but the other pieces need to step up. The Fred Jackson injury definitely hurts, but I think better days lie ahead. Pretty much your entire team had their worst game of the season. Things will get better.

3. Big Brother's Bitch (4-3) (Last week: 5): Still hovering in the top 5, this team finally put together a nice week. Reggie Wayne's performances have to be a little concerning at this point, but Lamar Miller is playing very well. As is the case with a number of other teams the depth is concerning, and I haven't seen much impact from anybody added via waivers. Julio will play better, and this team will do better. At 4-3, definitely one of the better teams in the league.

2. A Lot O'Tatz (5-2) (Last week: 2): Clearly a premier team in the 2014 EFFL, and certainly in play for the 1st round bye as well as top points. I've said it since after the draft, and have been saying it for 7 weeks. Absolutely no running back. It's holding you back. Definitely right there with Tatz for best team in the league. Golden Tate has been phenomenal as has T.Y. Hilton. Still dropped 120+ on the Pylons with Julius only scoring 6 points. Can't wait for your matchup with Tatz in Week 9.

1. Team Bartholomew (6-1) (Last week: 1): Another day, another dollar. Jeremy Hill and Cecil Shorts did absolutely nothing. Still puts up 120. AJ Green refuses to see his team go in the shitter, so he'll be back soon. It sucks you can't trust Kendall Wright. 26 points, 1 point, 18 points. That's a trainwreck. Another team that hasn't had any byes yet, but the rest of the schedule looks cushy. You've already played #3, 4, and 5 in the power rankings.


Week 8 Matchups

#1 Team Bartholomew (6-1) v. #14 The Smokin' Jays (0-7)
#2 A Lot O'Tatz (5-2) v. #8 Bo$$town Cutter (3-4)
#3 Big Brother's Bitch (4-3) v. #12 Tweeting in the Trenches (3-4)
#4 Stanky Monkeys (4-3) v. #13 Team Toliver (1-6)
#5 The King's Crusaders (2-5) v. #7 DA BEARDS (6-1)
#6 Tequila Party Gnomes (4-3) v. #10 Pork Chop Express (4-3)
#9 Geno 911 (4-3) v. #11 Dueling Pylons (3-4)

The Smokin' Jays and Team Toliver need to get some wins. With the playoff cutoff right now at 4 wins, time is running out to bridge the gap. Even winning out might not be enough at this point. And for fun, I'll add some predictions.

Winners:

I like Team Bartholomew to move to 7-1 while sending the Smokin Jays to 0-8 and the brink of playoff elimination.

I like Bo$$town Cutter to upset A Lot O'Tatz with a surprising Week 8 blowup.

Big Brother's Bitch should handle TITTY well and continue to rise.

Anything less than a victory for the Stanky Monkeys will be a massive shock with San Fran on a bye.

As indicated above, I think the King gets back into contention with a victory over DA BEARDS. Dosh also should change his team name given he's shaved. One of his boys referred to him as "Papi Champagne".

TPG and Pork Chop is my game of the week. Each team with a lot to prove still, but I think TPG takes it.

And the Pylons WILL rebound against Geno 911. One of the most heated rivalries in the EFFL, the Pylons are 10-1-1 against Geno in the last 12 meetings dating back to 2007.


Good luck in Week 8. Looking forward to another exciting week.

Haters Wanna Hate, Lovers Wanna Love...

Where's the blog?!?!? Are you alive?!?!? Yes, I am alive, and I am sorry that the blog had to wait this week. Occasionally real life responsibilities get in the way. I'll try to avoid such nonsense in the future.

You all know what went down. The Eagles absolutely whooped up on the Giants after the Giants did nothing but talk shit all week. JPP said the Eagles could easily be 0-4 instead of 4-1... and then the Daily News has the nerve to run an article that "shows employees cheering the Victor Cruz injury". The picture was snapped within an instant of the ball going over Cruz's head. No way they could know yet that he was injured. I didn't think such garbage slander was posted in legitimate newspapers. But that's fine. A win is a win.

This is just funny to me. Jameis approved.

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It's alarming how many bad teams there are in the NFL. Not like it's a surprise, but it's a complete joke. The Redskins, Rams, Jets, Raiders, Jaguars, and Bucs are a combined 4-30. Of those 4 wins, the Rams beat the Bucs, the Jets beat the Raiders, the Redskins beat the Jaguars, and the Bucs miraculously beat the Steelers on a last second play. If not for that final play, these 6 teams would be a combined 0-28 against the rest of the league instead of 1-27. It's a bad product, and there's not enough talent to go around. But the league will keep shoving this garbage down your throat until you stop watching.

Also funny to me was Julius Thomas scoring a TD against the Jets and screaming "IT'S SO FUCKING EASY". It is, Julius... You're playing the Jets.

You may have gone to sleep Monday night to avoid more garbage Rams in prime time, but Team Toliver finally got their first win of the season in dramatic fashion. A 46 point deficit with Kaepernick and Anquan Boldin against Zac Stacy was not too tall a task. Nobody wants to be winless, but we now have a favorite for 2015 costume wearer.

Beef of the Week: Stadium Fights

This shit has been happening way too often lately. Tailgating is fun as shit. You get to drink all the beer, make runs to a port-o-potty (or use your car door as a shield), and cook frozen meat with absolutely no seasoning. The last time I tailgated, I was chugging Fireball and had chest pains the entire next day. It's a great time. So why at a fucking Packers-Dolphins game is there a parking lot brawl?

What could have possibly been said?!?!?? FUCK YOU MAN! Davante Adams is gonna be a better pro than Jarvis Landry!! I mean these teams have absolutely no connection whatsoever. It's just uncalled for. Unless you get peed on. That's basically it. This just happened in San Francisco. Guy taps other guy on the shoulder to let him know there's a free stall. He winds up partially paralyzed because some cholo in a Frank Gore jersey decides that's worthy of a beating. Keep it civil. I just don't get it. Go to the game, enjoy yourself and come home not in jail or minus some blood.


Things are starting to take shape through 6 weeks as one team has been pushed to the brink already. But there are others not too far behind. Let's get it.

Power Rankings

14. The Smokin' Jays (0-6) (Last week: 14): Another week. Another loss. Actually put together a pretty solid week, but ran into a red hot buzzsaw in EEB. That 42 points is the most Torrey Smith and Larry Fitzergald will combine for the entire season. I guarantee it. 2 year losing streak now at 12 games, and I don't see an end in sight unfortunately. With Mike Y and Tatz in the next 2, 0-8 is a real possibility. Playoffs are almost certainly out of the question, but avoiding the costume is not.

13. Team Toliver (1-5) (Last week: 13): Hooray! Finally picked up win #1 in dramatic fashion. You have Cutter and Sam in the next 3 weeks, so you're not out of this thing yet. Still only 2 games out of a playoff spot with 7 to play, so keep your head up. I'm sorry for texting you. I was not trying to jinx you. At least you have an excuse with all of the injuries. Hopefully your team will start to get more healthy and things will turn around. Don't start Jets. It's a terrible idea. Also, through 6 games, Danny Amendola has a total of 5 fantasy points. And you get points for catches.

12. Tweeting in the Trenches (2-4) (Last week: 9): I don't know what to do with this team. I thought it was bad, then it explodes. I thought it was better, and it's really not. TITTY is the lowest scoring team in the league, averaging just 93 points a game. This team has nothing but Demaryius, and that's the reality. I don't think you're going to make the playoffs without making some moves. I've also received multiple complaints from league members about you carrying too many defenses. Perhaps you can deal one of those.

11. Bo$$town Cutter (2-4) (Last week: 8): Another team I probably had too high last week. I think some of the shine has worn off the Cutter squad. The secondary pieces are just not there. I still can't believe Larry Donnell dropped 30 points on me. I've never heard anyone in my life ever kick themselves over not trading for a kicker until this week. You learn something new every week. I think Sanders will have better games, and I think you're ahead of the bottom 3 teams right now.

10. Dueling Pylons (3-3) (Last week: 12): It appears the Pylons may finally be getting their shit together. Gronk appears his usual self and Mohamed Sanu looks like he could be a keeper. After the Peterson debacle, the Pylons have reconfigured their roster based on one fact alone: Do you date a white girl? Floyd, Sanu and Cooks all fit the bill. This team has faced too much adversity to be involved in any more off the field scandals. Unfortunately, for this team to be a contender, the guys on the bench are going to have to step it up.

9. Pork Chop Express (4-2) (Last week: 11): I didn't think you were going to pull out the victory, but there it is! You should just cut Keenan Allen so you're not tempted to use him. I asked, and you couldn't answer. Why does a guy in San Diego play wearing long sleeves? It makes no sense. I could see your team moving up as the season goes on, but the consistency just isn't there yet. Will be nice to see if Jordan Cameron gets his act together.

8. DA BEARDS (5-1) (Last week: 6): The luck finally ran out this week. To make matters worse, lost Victor Cruz to injury. I think 8 is awfully generous at this point. Rodgers and Lynch should carry this squad, but as I've said all along, where are the other points going to come from. Maybe I'm being naive in not trusting Kelvin Benjamin, but I think you'll remain competitive. The record is not indicative of the strength of this squad I believe.

7. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-3) (Last week: 7): You indicated to me that you'd sacrifice a fantasy defeat to the Pylons for an Eagles win. I appreciate that. I'm starting to get a little bit concerned about TPG. Spiller and the Bengals D combined for -3 points. Foster and Gio are out there killing it, but it appears the Bills well has run dry. I still think there is potential for big weeks ahead, but I want to see something first. Your next 3 opponents are a combined 13-5, so this will be a telling stretch.

6. Geno 911 (4-2) (Last week: 10): I've said it since the beginning. I think Steve Smith might be the steal of the draft. He's unstoppable. As has frequently been the case, he's been outstanding when the team is committed to getting him the ball. Romo sucks. Doug Martin sucks. But I think overall this is an above average team. Given that, #6 sounds appropriate. Also, don't trust Brandon LaFell. Guy is as inconsistent as they come.

5. Big Brother's Bitch (3-3) (Last week: 5): #5 might again be a little bit generous at this point, especially since you just got clowned by Gambino. Had a disaster of a week, but there's nothing you could have done. Things should get better with Brees back, but he's quietly had a pretty disappointing season. Too much Redskins for my liking. As "good" as Andre Ellington has been, he's only had one week with 15 points or more. That has to improve for this team to succeed.

4. The King's Crusaders (2-4) (Last week: 4): I'm starting to waver on the quality of this squad, but going forward I still lean towards this team being better than some right below. Teams have dropped over 125 PPG on you, which is just unfair. McCoy finally got going, but it was at the expense of Maclin. It's fair to wonder whether both can be successful in the same game. Percy Harvin stinks. He's got a total of 74 receiving yards in his last 4 games. But Jordan Reed looked good, so there's something.

3. Stanky Monkeys (4-2) (Last week: 3): I don't think it's any coincidence that the top 3 teams in the EFFL Power Rankings were the top 3 scoring teams in Week 6. The Forte/Jordy combo is absolutely killing it right now. And all of that is without Matt Ryan doing that well. Even better news for you is that the Bills appear fed up with Spiller and are using Fred Jackson like a machine. The guy is gonna be 34 in February, and he's still a top 10 RB. Not even LT did that at that age. Although I'm not sure that having 3 Rams is the way to go.

2. A Lot O'Tatz (4-2) (Last week: 2): Yes, there is a lot o'Tatz at the top of the rankings. Refused to break up the Manning/Julius combo, and that certainly looks like the right move at this point. Julius is only on pace for 29 Touchdowns. If I set a line right now at 19.5 TDs, would anyone dare take the under? TY Hilton looks great, too. You're pretty close to #1 right now, honestly. Let's see a little more consistency from the secondary pieces, and it could happen.

1. Team Bartholomew (5-1) (Last week: 1): I don't know how long DeMarco can do it. Steven Jackson and Kendall Wright combined for 3 points, AJ Green is injured, and still put up almost 150. Now Ridley is out for the year, which opens the door for Shane Vereen. I thought you drafted well, you have the best record in the league,and are right at the top of highest scoring teams in the league. I don't see any reason why that wouldn't continue. And you have this;

Week 7 Matchups

#1 Team Bartholomew (5-1) v. #9 Pork Chop Express (4-2)
#2 A Lot O'Tatz (4-2) v. #10 Dueling Pylons (3-3)
#3 Stanky Monkeys (4-2) v. #7 Tequila Party Gnomes (3-3)
#4 The King's Crusaders (2-4) v. #12 Tweeting in the Trenches (2-4)
#5 Big Brother's Bitch (3-3) v. #14 The Smokin' Jays (0-6)
#6 Geno 911 (4-2) v. #8 DA BEARDS (5-1)
#11 Bo$$town Cutter (2-4) v. #13 Team Toliver (1-5)

Some big matchups this week with playoff implications. King v TITTY and Cutty v Yashar could put a couple teams in a bad way. Best of luck in Week 7. Only a couple more weeks until the playoff preview.

Long As My Bitches Love Me

This was one of those weeks where I was up late blogging. With so much hanging in the balance, I had to see how it turned out. The result was one of the best plays I've ever seen. Marshawn Lynch's miraculous 30 yard catch and run gave Dosh a 1 point lead and victory over Ben to keep him undefeated. The play was absolutely insane. Here's the video if you didn't stay up to see the play.

http://www.nfl.com/videos/nfl-game-highlights/0ap3000000406997/Wk-5-Can-t-Miss-Play-Hustle-Wilson

Mike Tirico absolutely blew his load everywhere, and there were so many missed penalties on that play. Only Dosh. And Cutter had Doug Baldwin come through to pick up a surprising victory. Amazingly, 10 of 14 teams are 2-3 or 3-2. If you expect things to be settled before Week 13, it's highly unlikely to happen.

0-5 is not a good look. And unfortunately for two league members, that's the position they're in. But there are plenty of weeks left in the season. I guarantee the Jets and Jaguars are worse off than you two. They have no hope. And they're complete laughing stocks. It's blatantly obvious that a league like the NBA has way too many teams. There's just not enough talent to go around. I'm starting to wonder if the same is true about the NFL. Maybe it's incompetent GMs. Maybe there truly isn't the talent. But it's alarming that when teams draft in reverse standings order, that teams still can't get enough players to compete. It makes no sense.

No fewer than 3 EFFL games were hanging in the balance in the 4th quarter of Monday night's game. That's awesome. That's exciting stuff.

There weren't many funny GIFs or players telling the opponents to mow their lawn this week. I do think it's funny, however, that there are multiple name to name combos in the league. Seattle has Wilson to Willson. Green Bay has Rodgers to Rodgers. Just a fun fact. I also think that offensive lineman JR Sweezy has the best name in football. But let's get beefin. It's bad this week.

Beef of the Week: Detroit Lions

I got absolutely obliterated on Sunday. I acted like a complete fool as the day went on. 10+ hours of drinking. My girlfriend wanted to kill me. The more I think about it, the more I convince myself that the Lions are to blame. This team is supposed to be the lovable losers. I still have my 2008 Lions pocket schedule. I don't even think they make those things anymore, but it's a celebration of the only winless season since the league expanded to 16 games. I treasure it.

What the fuck is this team trying to do to the fans?

Jim Caldwell is the most boring man in football. He looks like a fat Mike Tyson. The guy is completely, utterly, beyond clueless. How do you blow a two TD lead at home to the Bills? That's just unfathomable. The Bills! The Bills are so incompetent that they benched LAST YEAR's 1st round pick for a guy who was sitting at home on his couch. Kyle Orton is known more for his neck beard than anything he's done on the football field.

Here's a list of actual things that happened:

- The Lions signed former Eagles kicker Alex Henery. What did it take for Henery to lose his job in the preseason? A guy making one 51 yard field goal. One. He was so bad, the Eagles surely would've signed an EFFL member if they could nail a 50 yarder. The Lions love Eagles retreads, so naturally they bring in this scrub. He promptly misses 3 field goals. In a dome. He was cut before the game ended.

- Somebody in the stands had a green laser pointer. Who doesn't love green laser pointer during sporting events? The Lions had help from the fans, very possibly causing a missed field goal and possible interception. It still didn't matter.

- Some guy named George Winn, out of football last year and never before touching the ball in an NFL game, was the focal point of the offense. What in the world is that game plan? In the first quarter, Reggie Bush was ripping off 30 yard catch and runs, and they chose to keep him on the sideline in favor of Winn while Bush was still healthy. It didn't work.

- Reggie Bush injured himself and had to be removed from the game.

- Calvin Johnson injured himself and had to be removed from the game.

- The Lions called 40 pass plays against 17 runs while never trailing in the game until 4 seconds remained in the game.

- The team went 1-11 on 3rd down.

- A total of 2 players had more than 17 yards receiving, and one of those two had 0.

All of the above happened, and STILL the team had a shot to kick a game winning field goal with just 25 seconds left. Henery missed. The Bills then immediately hit a 20 yard pass, and Dan Carpenter nailed a game winning 58 yard field goal. It was absolutely gut wrenching. I can't imagine how Lions fans are feeling. That's the type of game that makes you want to quit football.

*** ETA ***

I almost forgot the most important part of the whole story. Following the Carpenter field goal, Bills defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz was carried off the field on the shoulders of Bills players. If that name sounds familiar, it's because Schwartz was the Lions previous coach, They carried the ex-coach off the field on his former turf!

I also already hate Odell Beckham Jr. Guy acted like a complete fool after every catch. Fits in perfectly with the Giants. On to the power rankings.


Power Rankings

14. The Smokin' Jays (0-5) (Last week: 14): This team has shown absolutely no signs of life. And to make matters worse, arguably the team's best player, Rashad Jennings, went down with a sprained MCL. Perfect timing with Jamaal Charles on a bye next week. Lot O'Tatz comes to town next week, and certainly staring 0-6 in the face. Now lost 11 straight games dating back to last season. What has happened to this past league champion?

13. Team Toliver (0-5) (Last week: 12): Week 1 was great. It's been a disaster since then. And just like the Jays, lost their best player to injury. Pierre Thomas finally showed up with a 30 point week after Sean Payton read my beef of the week. Next week? Bye. The trip to Europe was no doubt more fun than this fantasy season. This team needs to hit the waiver wire hard. And finally cut bait on the Redskins backup kicker.

12. Dueling Pylons (2-3) (Last week: 10): The Pylons have fallen on hard times. Teams continue to unload on the Pylons, but that's no excuse. Wasted a glorious Russell Wilson performance. This team just isn't that good right now. The WR position is saddled with inconsistency and lost 2 starting running backs to injury. The good news, at least, is that Gronk finally looks healthy and is very strong at the QB position. If Justin Hunter can get it together, it might help. TPG, EEB and Geno 911 the next 3 weeks. Time to put up or shut up.

11. Pork Chop Express (3-2) (Last week: 9): What a brutal loss. Just brutal. Picked up Donald Brown. He promptly got injured. Eric Decker may have a giant penis, but he sure is a pussy. The 6 RBs on this roster combined for 6 fantasy points. You might want to address that. I'll keep pointing to draft night. The same thing happens every single year. Tatz shows up with whiskey. He's a bear, so he's not affected whatsoever. Matt has some and it takes him about 6-8 rounds to feel it. You get in, black out by Round 4, and have to be removed from the draft. Gonna be the Luck and Dez show all season.

10. Geno 911 (3-2) (Last week: 8): I guess you wanted to make sure I dropped you in the rankings? I considered placing you even lower, and surely you'll make your way there soon. Amazing what happens when Jimmy Graham and Steve Smith don't put up 30 points. Got absolutely bailed out by DeSean on Monday night. Other than Graham, if you asked people to draft a team of players nobody wants, it would be this team. What can I say about this roster that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan... it looks bombed out and depleted.

9. Tweeting in the Trenches (2-3) (Last week: 13): Of course I said I "didn't see the upside" and Demaryius drops a 42 point bomb. He could've had another 70 yard TD too! That would've given him 56 points. Unreal. Clearly won the Stafford-Ball trade with the Pylons. Can't believe I bailed you out like that. Getting absolutely nothing from the RB position right now, but Andre Williams could end up being a huge pickup. Bet Pork Chop wishes he hadn't cut bait so soon.

8. Bo$$town Cutter (2-3) (Last week: 11): Another of course moment. Of course Larry Donnell drops 30 points on me and follows it up with a big fat 0. I'm a little concerned that this is the best your team can play. I'm cautiously optimistic right now. I can't even imagine how much you enjoyed Brady playing hot potato with Edelman. And if Riley Cooper has finally decided he wants to play, that could be a big boost. Trending up after a slow start.

7. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-2) (Last week: 7): The fantasy gods giveth and the fantasy gods taketh away. After getting a very lucky win last week, took a Lot O'Tatz to the face. Poor EEB just kept giving it to you. Foles looked like doodie yet again, and Spiller had a classic 10 carry, 8 yard performance. I'll let you borrow the jersey if you want. I thought you had it right starting a D against Brady, but it wasn't to be. Things will get better in a hurry as we face off in Week 6.

6. DA BEARDS (5-0) (Last week: 5): I still don't understand why you deserve to move up. Your opponents have scored an average of 94.4 points against you. You should feel fortunate to have the record you do. Nobody wants Marques Colston. I just don't have any idea how you can keep up the record. But wins are wins, and once you have them, you avoid wearing a costume to the draft. I could make an argument for you being even lower.

5. Big Brother's Bitch (3-2) (Last week: 4): I know it's tough to move a team down after a win, but I think that's the deal here. I thought you were closer to the teams below, and I still believe that to be the case. Andre Ellington massively benefited from the Cardinals getting buried by the Broncos, and I don't know if that can continue. I think you'll continue to be at or near the top, but I'm just not sure if I see a championship caliber team yet. I think there are some better teams out there.

4. The King's Crusaders (2-3) (Last week: 1): Perhaps #1 was too much, but it seems like this team should have a better record than 2-3. Started the Steelers' water boy, stadium ushers, and terrible towel sewers, and it still didn't help. The Steelers scored a total of 17 points against the pathetic Jaguars. How does that happen? McCoy looks completely lost. I'm almost happier I have Peterson, as I'm not even tempted to start him. Stevan Ridley looked good though, but Crabtree is indeed a sorry ass receiver.

3. Stanky Monkeys (3-2) (Last week: 2): You clearly did well in the first two rounds with Forte and Jordy. VJax finally came through for you, and Brian Quick looks like he could be the real deal. What a pickup that was. Poor guy had to experience the same thing on back to back days. His team jumping out to a massive lead, only to see it squandered at the last minute. At least the Eagles still won. Had allowed by far the fewest points in the league, so something like this was bound to happen.

2. A Lot O'Tatz (3-2) (Last week: 6): Certainly deserving of a rankings bump. I don't even want to bring up the trade I turned down. I've also changed your team name so that you're now Irish. You have to be feeling confident knowing that the Broncos have already had their bye. I also can't believe how good Golden Tate has been. That should continue with Tron out. Lucky for you, it looks like the Browns are trying to get a lot of Tatz as well. The strategy and team name are paying off.

1. Team Bartholomew (4-1) (Last week: 3): Every time I've moved you out of the top spot you've proven me wrong. The real concern at this point is how much slop will the Cowboys feed DeMarco. For a guy with a long list of injuries in his history, a 400+ carry pace is not a good thing. Even left Kendall Wright on the bench with 26. Despite what I may have thought previously, this is still the team to beat. I'd venture to guess that you'll win most weeks when Greggy scores 2 TDs. Well done.


Week 6 Matchups

#1 Team Bartholomew (4-1) v. #4 The King's Crusaders (2-3)
#2 A Lot O'Tatz (3-2) v. #14 The Smokin' Jays (0-5)
#3 Stanky Monkeys (3-2) v. #6 DA BEARDS (5-0)
#5 Big Brother's Bitch (3-2) v. #10 Geno 911 (3-2)
#7 Tequila Party Gnomes (3-2) v. #12 Dueling Pylons (2-3)
#8 Bo$$town Cutter (2-3) v. #11 Pork Chop Express (3-2)
#9 Tweeting in the Trenches (2-3) v. #13 Team Toliver (0-5)


Week 5 was a wild week with 3 matchups coming down to the wire Monday night. Given the matchups this week, I wouldn't be surprised to see some more close games. Good luck to everyone. Only a couple more weeks of the power rankings and then it's playoff preview.