Pictured: TPG after finding out he's lost to bottom-feeder Team Toliver.
And obviously, this needs to be posted here:
@massot15 eat a dick
— Cole Beasley (@Bease11) November 9, 2014
For as unpredictable as the NFL is, Sunday's games went remarkably as planned. That's pretty much the truth except for the Steelers-Jets game. I don't think you can look at a single other game and think to yourself "I didn't see that coming." That includes the Bears getting absolutely pounded yet again, which makes me laugh. If there's anything I've expressed over the years, it's my distaste for Jay Cutler. Guy is so full of himself with no justifiable reason. He hasn't won shit. I hope he continues to lose.
Mike Tirico makes jokes like "go figure this league." So, out of 10 games there was 1 upset. What a league!
Yet as much beef as I constantly have, there are things that I think set the NFL apart. One of those things is the post-Monday night game discussion on the field between Steve Young, Trent Dilfer, murderer Ray Lewis and some token host. It's real. It reminds you of a conversation you'd have with your boys about football. It's not biased. It's not based on fantasy football. I'd love to see a bunch of former players on the field talking about the game after every game.
Why is the Joker playing Grab-Ass with Jimmy Graham? I can't for the life of me figure it out:
I also need to take some time to acknowledge the absolutely ridiculous season DeMarco Murray is having. It's only week 10 and he has a 400 yard lead on the guy in 2nd place for rushing yards, Arian Foster. He's having truly one of the great rushing seasons in NFL history, and even if you hate the Cowboys, you have to appreciate what he's doing. There are exactly 5 other running backs with half of the yards he has. He also has run the ball 77 more times than the guy in 2nd, but still.
In the process of acknowledging achievements, I also want to make a note of something you've probably already forgotten by now. Andy Dalton had arguably one of the worst QB games in NFL history on Thursday. Never before in the history of the league has a QB had 33+ pass attempts, a completion percentage less than 31% and yards passing less than 90. It's never happened... until Andy Dalton did it. Unbelievably bad. It ruins football.
Here's an Andy Reid lookalike:
In high school, some fat kid, whose name escapes me, did the exact same thing when Andy was head coach of the Eagles. It was the best costume I've ever seen. 10 years later, it's no less funny. People need to do this all the time.
Side beef: Why do the college football playoff rankings come out on a Tuesday when teams play on Saturday? Is it that difficult to list an undefeated Florida State and Mississippi State team as the top two? Come ahn.
Beef of the Week: Coaches who do not coach
You may be thinking "how can this be a beef?" During the Eagles game, Sanchize threw a pass that brought two receivers inadvertently together. When he came over to the sideline, Chip grabbed him, explained what he saw, explained what Sanchez should have seen, and he hopefully learned something. That's coaching. When Eli throws a pick, you get the garbage you see at the top of the screen. That's a Hall of Fame coach doing absolutely no coaching and just throwing a temper tantrum. I wouldn't be surprised if these things are the reasons coaches get fired. You shouldn't be free from coaching because you developed a game plan during the week. Chip continued to coach Sanchize even in the 4th quarter. Guys love that. He'll be successful in the NFL forever because of it.
*** LEAGUE NEWS AND NOTES ***
- As indicated last week, please be aware that anyone added after this week is not eligible to be kept.
- Also, please be aware that if you do not make the playoffs, you are not permitted to add players after Week 13. Subsequently, when you are eliminated from the playoffs, you are not allowed to make any moves.
Playoff Bracket
It's remarkable. Right now, 8 teams are either 5-5 or 4-6. Not a single head-to-head tiebreak comes into play. Remarkable yet again.
x - 1. DA BEARDS (8-2): Officially clinched a playoff spot. The 5-5 teams play each other too much. 8 wins is the current magic number to qualify for the playoffs. I talked too much shit. Rodgers and Marshawn unloaded for a combined 10 TDs. 10! You can't change your team name after every game. The fact is that this was only the 2nd time all season that you've broken 120. You were 2nd to last in points scored entering the week. While a playoff spot is all but clinched, I think you still have a ways to go before you're considered a top contender. 1 more win or a combination of other team losses locks up a playoff spot.
2. Pork Chop Express (7-3): Speaking of things you didn't see coming, Dosh and Ben as 1-2 after 10 weeks is certainly at the top of the list. My tone has not changed. It's Luck and Dez, with Ingram now emerging. There's no contribution from other players, but that may be enough. Those 3 could legitimately lead this team to a championship. I still think the potential for inconsistency is there, but Dez is absolutely unstoppable. Facing the King in Week 11 in a must win for him is probably going to be tough, but should still be in no danger of missing the playoffs. Win and in.
3. A Lot O'Tatz (6-3-1): The league's hottest team continues to roll. I pegged EEB as the team to beat this week and he told me to shut my mouth. But it's true. Consistently putting up tons of points with no end in sight. It may be a stretch at this point to get a bye. The only downside is it just presents an extra opportunity to get upset... possibly by a clown team like the Pylons. A win against Stanky Monkeys would almost certainly lock up a playoff spot.
4. Team Bartholomew (6-3-1): Did not see this drop coming. This team has a big problem. And that problem is at the QB position. Cam Newton absolutely stinks. As of right now, in the past 3.5 games, Newton has 2 TDs and 6 picks. AJ Green will get it together, and you still have the best player in the league, but I'm starting to wonder if it might be time to bench Newton for Hoyer. I still think you're fine for the playoffs, but I no longer think you're in contention for the bye. A lot of eggs in the Carolina basket, but, like EEB, really should need just one more win to officially get in.
5. Stanky Monkeys (5-5): Lost, yet still moved up in the playoff rankings. As a result of a 5 way tie, head-to-head is not applicable. Highest points among those 5, so winds up in 5th place. EEB, Mike Y and Gambino in the final 3. Winning 2 of 3 will probably get you in. Plus knocking out Nick is a lot of fun. I still like your team and expect you to get in. I also would love to see you knock off each of the 3 aforementioned teams.
6. Big Brother's Bitch (5-5): Despite having lost to both the Pylons and TITTY, the fact that nobody remaining still owns a tiebreaker over all others brings you all the way up into 6th. Of course, you play Cutty in Week 11 in what could almost be an elimination game. If you lose, you're in rough shape, as one of Pylons-TITTY must get at least a tie. You don't own head-to-head tiebreakers against any teams around you, so I think you'll have to win your way in. I could be wrong.
7. Bo$$town Cutter (5-5): If Tirico wants to blow his load on an unpredictable league, let's direct him to the EFFL. I thought for sure you'd have it out for Sam Woody. But it wasn't meant to be. The Ronnie Hillman well ran dry, and as such, so did your team. The real wild card could be Peterson, however. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit bitter, but so be it. I don't know how you say to a guy "sure you beat your child's nut sack with a tree branch, leaving a 4 year old bloodied and bruised for weeks... But you can come back to work in 8 weeks". Get out of here.
8. Dueling Pylons (5-5): As indicated above, thought DA BEARDS would be a pushover. When two players drop 10 TDs on you, you have absolutely no shot. Pylons have a massive, massive game in Week 11 against TITTY in a rematch of last year's championship game. It's been a long time coming, and this is a must win for both teams. With the King and PCE in the final two weeks, the Pylons need to make moves quickly. What a huge matchup this week.
9. Tweeting in the Trenches (5-5): Believe it or not, if this were week 13, Sproles Monday night performance would be the determining factor between Pylons and TITTY. Got a huge win against Tatz and now right back in the thick of the playoff hunt. The two-time defending champ needed to stay alive, and did just that. Pylons, EEB, Cutty in the final 3 weeks. Win all 3 and you're in. Win 2 and it still may be good enough. You have no idea how bad I want to win this game after the past 2 years.
10. The King's Crusaders (4-6): Nobody owns a tiebreaker among the 4-6 teams, so it goes to points scored. Only a game out of 5th place, so there's nothing to really be upset about. Final 3 of PCE, Pylons and Jays probably inspires no fear. This team has never missed the playoffs in the history of the EFFL, and if it happens this year, it arguably will be undeserved. This is one of the best rosters in the league, but can't get its defense to perform.
11. Geno 911 (4-6): I don't think you're really surprised you're in this position, but the tiebreaker over TPG is important right now. Your team is doo-doo. Even with arguably the waiver wire pickup of the year in Forsett, it doesn't matter. The matchup with Yashar in Week 11 is probably your season. You're low in points and don't have tiebreakers against many teams. If you can't beat him, you probably have too tough a road to climb. It's an outside shot, but if you do lose next week, Yashar will have the tiebreaker over you. That means that he just needs to make up 1 game in the final 2 to have you in the costume.
12. Tequila Party Gnomes (4-6): Lost against league bottom-feeder Team Toliver, but like Stanky, still moved up. Owns head-to-head tiebreaker over King. I'm sure he's showing you no sympathy as he's had to deal with his share of injuries all year. After healing a 2010 wound of "81 IN BLUE. TOP OF YOUR SCREEN", Tron was bound to come back and lead his team to victory. The good news is that the teams right at the cut line all had a miserable Week 10, so things are still up in the air. You get all 3 of your RBs back, which should pay major dividends.
14. Team Toliver (2-8): Not officially out of it yet! Got the must win against TPG to stay alive. It's crazy how much the Tron injury hurt you. And the Woodhead injury. Anquan has quietly had a great season, which is encouraging as he's keeper eligible. But the team is playing well, which is a good sign. Even if it doesn't work out this season, having Boldin and Hopkins as keepers is pretty solid. I'd love to see you knock off Gambino in Week 11. Must win to stay alive again.
Week 11 Matchups
There are so many great matchups in week 11. It's amazing the schedule maker saw this coming. Bunch of games right at the cut line. Through 10 weeks, only 1 team has had their fate decided. That's pretty remarkable.
#1 DA BEARDS (8-2) v. #4 Team Bartholomew (6-3-1)
#2 Pork Chop Express (7-3) v. #10 The King's Crusaders (4-6)
#3 A Lot O'Tatz (6-3-1) v. #5 Stanky Monkeys (5-5)
#6 Big Brother's Bitch (5-5) v. #7 Bo$$town Cutter (5-5)
#8 Dueling Pylons (5-5) v. #9 Tweeting in the Trenches (5-5)
#11 Geno 911 (4-6) v. #14 Team Toliver (2-8)
#12 Tequila Party Gnomes (4-6) v. #13 The Smokin' Jays (3-7)
Good luck to everyone in Week 11. It's going to be intense.
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