This was one of those weeks where I was up late blogging. With so much hanging in the balance, I had to see how it turned out. The result was one of the best plays I've ever seen. Marshawn Lynch's miraculous 30 yard catch and run gave Dosh a 1 point lead and victory over Ben to keep him undefeated. The play was absolutely insane. Here's the video if you didn't stay up to see the play.
http://www.nfl.com/videos/nfl-game-highlights/0ap3000000406997/Wk-5-Can-t-Miss-Play-Hustle-Wilson
Mike Tirico absolutely blew his load everywhere, and there were so many missed penalties on that play. Only Dosh. And Cutter had Doug Baldwin come through to pick up a surprising victory. Amazingly, 10 of 14 teams are 2-3 or 3-2. If you expect things to be settled before Week 13, it's highly unlikely to happen.
0-5 is not a good look. And unfortunately for two league members, that's the position they're in. But there are plenty of weeks left in the season. I guarantee the Jets and Jaguars are worse off than you two. They have no hope. And they're complete laughing stocks. It's blatantly obvious that a league like the NBA has way too many teams. There's just not enough talent to go around. I'm starting to wonder if the same is true about the NFL. Maybe it's incompetent GMs. Maybe there truly isn't the talent. But it's alarming that when teams draft in reverse standings order, that teams still can't get enough players to compete. It makes no sense.
No fewer than 3 EFFL games were hanging in the balance in the 4th quarter of Monday night's game. That's awesome. That's exciting stuff.
There weren't many funny GIFs or players telling the opponents to mow their lawn this week. I do think it's funny, however, that there are multiple name to name combos in the league. Seattle has Wilson to Willson. Green Bay has Rodgers to Rodgers. Just a fun fact. I also think that offensive lineman JR Sweezy has the best name in football. But let's get beefin. It's bad this week.
Beef of the Week: Detroit Lions
I got absolutely obliterated on Sunday. I acted like a complete fool as the day went on. 10+ hours of drinking. My girlfriend wanted to kill me. The more I think about it, the more I convince myself that the Lions are to blame. This team is supposed to be the lovable losers. I still have my 2008 Lions pocket schedule. I don't even think they make those things anymore, but it's a celebration of the only winless season since the league expanded to 16 games. I treasure it.
What the fuck is this team trying to do to the fans?
Jim Caldwell is the most boring man in football. He looks like a fat Mike Tyson. The guy is completely, utterly, beyond clueless. How do you blow a two TD lead at home to the Bills? That's just unfathomable. The Bills! The Bills are so incompetent that they benched LAST YEAR's 1st round pick for a guy who was sitting at home on his couch. Kyle Orton is known more for his neck beard than anything he's done on the football field.
Here's a list of actual things that happened:
- The Lions signed former Eagles kicker Alex Henery. What did it take for Henery to lose his job in the preseason? A guy making one 51 yard field goal. One. He was so bad, the Eagles surely would've signed an EFFL member if they could nail a 50 yarder. The Lions love Eagles retreads, so naturally they bring in this scrub. He promptly misses 3 field goals. In a dome. He was cut before the game ended.
- Somebody in the stands had a green laser pointer. Who doesn't love green laser pointer during sporting events? The Lions had help from the fans, very possibly causing a missed field goal and possible interception. It still didn't matter.
- Some guy named George Winn, out of football last year and never before touching the ball in an NFL game, was the focal point of the offense. What in the world is that game plan? In the first quarter, Reggie Bush was ripping off 30 yard catch and runs, and they chose to keep him on the sideline in favor of Winn while Bush was still healthy. It didn't work.
- Reggie Bush injured himself and had to be removed from the game.
- Calvin Johnson injured himself and had to be removed from the game.
- The Lions called 40 pass plays against 17 runs while never trailing in the game until 4 seconds remained in the game.
- The team went 1-11 on 3rd down.
- A total of 2 players had more than 17 yards receiving, and one of those two had 0.
All of the above happened, and STILL the team had a shot to kick a game winning field goal with just 25 seconds left. Henery missed. The Bills then immediately hit a 20 yard pass, and Dan Carpenter nailed a game winning 58 yard field goal. It was absolutely gut wrenching. I can't imagine how Lions fans are feeling. That's the type of game that makes you want to quit football.
*** ETA ***
I almost forgot the most important part of the whole story. Following the Carpenter field goal, Bills defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz was carried off the field on the shoulders of Bills players. If that name sounds familiar, it's because Schwartz was the Lions previous coach, They carried the ex-coach off the field on his former turf!
I also already hate Odell Beckham Jr. Guy acted like a complete fool after every catch. Fits in perfectly with the Giants. On to the power rankings.
Power Rankings
14. The Smokin' Jays (0-5) (Last week: 14): This team has shown absolutely no signs of life. And to make matters worse, arguably the team's best player, Rashad Jennings, went down with a sprained MCL. Perfect timing with Jamaal Charles on a bye next week. Lot O'Tatz comes to town next week, and certainly staring 0-6 in the face. Now lost 11 straight games dating back to last season. What has happened to this past league champion?
13. Team Toliver (0-5) (Last week: 12): Week 1 was great. It's been a disaster since then. And just like the Jays, lost their best player to injury. Pierre Thomas finally showed up with a 30 point week after Sean Payton read my beef of the week. Next week? Bye. The trip to Europe was no doubt more fun than this fantasy season. This team needs to hit the waiver wire hard. And finally cut bait on the Redskins backup kicker.
12. Dueling Pylons (2-3) (Last week: 10): The Pylons have fallen on hard times. Teams continue to unload on the Pylons, but that's no excuse. Wasted a glorious Russell Wilson performance. This team just isn't that good right now. The WR position is saddled with inconsistency and lost 2 starting running backs to injury. The good news, at least, is that Gronk finally looks healthy and is very strong at the QB position. If Justin Hunter can get it together, it might help. TPG, EEB and Geno 911 the next 3 weeks. Time to put up or shut up.
11. Pork Chop Express (3-2) (Last week: 9): What a brutal loss. Just brutal. Picked up Donald Brown. He promptly got injured. Eric Decker may have a giant penis, but he sure is a pussy. The 6 RBs on this roster combined for 6 fantasy points. You might want to address that. I'll keep pointing to draft night. The same thing happens every single year. Tatz shows up with whiskey. He's a bear, so he's not affected whatsoever. Matt has some and it takes him about 6-8 rounds to feel it. You get in, black out by Round 4, and have to be removed from the draft. Gonna be the Luck and Dez show all season.
10. Geno 911 (3-2) (Last week: 8): I guess you wanted to make sure I dropped you in the rankings? I considered placing you even lower, and surely you'll make your way there soon. Amazing what happens when Jimmy Graham and Steve Smith don't put up 30 points. Got absolutely bailed out by DeSean on Monday night. Other than Graham, if you asked people to draft a team of players nobody wants, it would be this team. What can I say about this roster that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan... it looks bombed out and depleted.
9. Tweeting in the Trenches (2-3) (Last week: 13): Of course I said I "didn't see the upside" and Demaryius drops a 42 point bomb. He could've had another 70 yard TD too! That would've given him 56 points. Unreal. Clearly won the Stafford-Ball trade with the Pylons. Can't believe I bailed you out like that. Getting absolutely nothing from the RB position right now, but Andre Williams could end up being a huge pickup. Bet Pork Chop wishes he hadn't cut bait so soon.
8. Bo$$town Cutter (2-3) (Last week: 11): Another of course moment. Of course Larry Donnell drops 30 points on me and follows it up with a big fat 0. I'm a little concerned that this is the best your team can play. I'm cautiously optimistic right now. I can't even imagine how much you enjoyed Brady playing hot potato with Edelman. And if Riley Cooper has finally decided he wants to play, that could be a big boost. Trending up after a slow start.
7. Tequila Party Gnomes (3-2) (Last week: 7): The fantasy gods giveth and the fantasy gods taketh away. After getting a very lucky win last week, took a Lot O'Tatz to the face. Poor EEB just kept giving it to you. Foles looked like doodie yet again, and Spiller had a classic 10 carry, 8 yard performance. I'll let you borrow the jersey if you want. I thought you had it right starting a D against Brady, but it wasn't to be. Things will get better in a hurry as we face off in Week 6.
6. DA BEARDS (5-0) (Last week: 5): I still don't understand why you deserve to move up. Your opponents have scored an average of 94.4 points against you. You should feel fortunate to have the record you do. Nobody wants Marques Colston. I just don't have any idea how you can keep up the record. But wins are wins, and once you have them, you avoid wearing a costume to the draft. I could make an argument for you being even lower.
5. Big Brother's Bitch (3-2) (Last week: 4): I know it's tough to move a team down after a win, but I think that's the deal here. I thought you were closer to the teams below, and I still believe that to be the case. Andre Ellington massively benefited from the Cardinals getting buried by the Broncos, and I don't know if that can continue. I think you'll continue to be at or near the top, but I'm just not sure if I see a championship caliber team yet. I think there are some better teams out there.
4. The King's Crusaders (2-3) (Last week: 1): Perhaps #1 was too much, but it seems like this team should have a better record than 2-3. Started the Steelers' water boy, stadium ushers, and terrible towel sewers, and it still didn't help. The Steelers scored a total of 17 points against the pathetic Jaguars. How does that happen? McCoy looks completely lost. I'm almost happier I have Peterson, as I'm not even tempted to start him. Stevan Ridley looked good though, but Crabtree is indeed a sorry ass receiver.
3. Stanky Monkeys (3-2) (Last week: 2): You clearly did well in the first two rounds with Forte and Jordy. VJax finally came through for you, and Brian Quick looks like he could be the real deal. What a pickup that was. Poor guy had to experience the same thing on back to back days. His team jumping out to a massive lead, only to see it squandered at the last minute. At least the Eagles still won. Had allowed by far the fewest points in the league, so something like this was bound to happen.
2. A Lot O'Tatz (3-2) (Last week: 6): Certainly deserving of a rankings bump. I don't even want to bring up the trade I turned down. I've also changed your team name so that you're now Irish. You have to be feeling confident knowing that the Broncos have already had their bye. I also can't believe how good Golden Tate has been. That should continue with Tron out. Lucky for you, it looks like the Browns are trying to get a lot of Tatz as well. The strategy and team name are paying off.
1. Team Bartholomew (4-1) (Last week: 3): Every time I've moved you out of the top spot you've proven me wrong. The real concern at this point is how much slop will the Cowboys feed DeMarco. For a guy with a long list of injuries in his history, a 400+ carry pace is not a good thing. Even left Kendall Wright on the bench with 26. Despite what I may have thought previously, this is still the team to beat. I'd venture to guess that you'll win most weeks when Greggy scores 2 TDs. Well done.
Week 6 Matchups
#1 Team Bartholomew (4-1) v. #4 The King's Crusaders (2-3)
#2 A Lot O'Tatz (3-2) v. #14 The Smokin' Jays (0-5)
#3 Stanky Monkeys (3-2) v. #6 DA BEARDS (5-0)
#5 Big Brother's Bitch (3-2) v. #10 Geno 911 (3-2)
#7 Tequila Party Gnomes (3-2) v. #12 Dueling Pylons (2-3)
#8 Bo$$town Cutter (2-3) v. #11 Pork Chop Express (3-2)
#9 Tweeting in the Trenches (2-3) v. #13 Team Toliver (0-5)
Week 5 was a wild week with 3 matchups coming down to the wire Monday night. Given the matchups this week, I wouldn't be surprised to see some more close games. Good luck to everyone. Only a couple more weeks of the power rankings and then it's playoff preview.
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